AngelicAntlers
01-02-16, 22:08
Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum but a chronic lurker to ease my own anxieties seeing that I'm not the only one out there that's gotten to this level of panic and seeing that so many others are kind enough to support and soothe unrelenting fears.
My bad anxiety started almost 3 years ago when I moved into my first place with my best friend, I spilled water on the carpet and mold/mildew something that lived in it burst into life and I got sick enough that I couldn't breath every time I went into the house.
I went to the doctor after we'd ripped up the carpet and I started to get better and she said that if I can't breathe again to come in and they'd figure something out.
A few months later I had super bad earwax to the point where I couldn't hear out of one ear [ew I know, first time this had ever happened to me] After I had it cleaned I had issues with my hearing and was prescribed a nasal spray to try and clear up whatever was in there. This gave me the WORST sinus infection/headache/horribleness of my life. I'd never been that sick.
This is when my lymph node under my jaw swelled up, and this is when my lymphoma fears started.
Despite the fact that I KNEW the lymph node swelled up because of the sinus infection I poke and prodded and worried it because it wasn't going down and it HURT. [likely because of all the poking and prodding] and from my constant checking the muscles under my jaw became super sore, unbeknownst to me at the time as I thought it was all around that lymph node.
Along with the constant poking and prodding I coughed up a tonsil stone-which in turn made me focus on cleaning out my tonsils hoping that it would make the lymph node under my jaw go down. One of the tonsils started aching horribly [because of the constant cleaning I'm sure]
And with my good old Dr Google I found an enlarged painful tonsil is also a sign of Lymphoma! Cue my HA going through the roof. Everything became a possible symptom, every doctor visit soothed me briefly but a few weeks later I'd be back at it.
I had an ultrasound that showed none of my lymph nodes were outside the normal range, I was on antibiotics for my tonsils that soothed them [though I still get tonsil stones and whenever they get too full the lymph node under my jaw gets achy] I gargle salt water and that seems to help keep that lymph node from hurting.
I've been told by an ENT that all the nodes were in normal range and they aren't concerned, I was told by one of the doctors that if it was anything scary it would have shown itself by now [almost 3 years later] and another told me directly that it's not cancer. He's been so kind and so patient with me as my HA gets worse and worse.
All this while I've been taking small sips of alcohol periodically, because THAT is something I focused in on as well-a super rare symptom that other people on the internet seem to have for other non-cancer related reasons sometimes.
I think that any pain I experience from alcohol is in my head, because I'm expecting it to be there though today I scared myself very badly and exacerbated my HA to the nth degree.
At first when I had a sip of alcohol I would wait for the pain to be in my jaw, and of course, pain in the jaw. It wasn't anything like the people on the Lymphoma boards described, which is instant and debilitating. It was a twinge or a spark of pain, nothing insane and it wasn't consistent. Sometimes I'd get a twinge or a spark or an ache but not always; I could have wine and be fine or sometimes I'd be waiting and there-there's a pain, in my leg, or in my jaw or in my neck.
Then I thought-oh maybe in my neck, so the pain would twinge in my neck. Or my jaw-a twinge in the joint of my jaw.
Recently I strained my back, so my attention focused in on that. I had a sip of alcohol and high on the left side of my spine there was an ache.
Oh my god-an /ache/ that's a bit closer to what the other people were saying: My scumbag brain tells me, betraying my trust and sending me into a horrible spiral of HA.
I went into a spiral of fear even though the back pain was there the next day, so, kinda obviously a pulled muscle that was being irritated, either by my flopping about like a fish or the tension of my anticipation or alcohol drying me out or something.
Cue having another sip the next day and having nothing happen-with my headphones and relaxation tapes of a kind woman telling me to stop ruining my life with anxiety and focus on my breaths.
But today I gave in and had another shot of alcohol, then started putting away dishes to distract myself. I was doing it quite vigorously, possibly quite tensely when an ache started, then a burning. It was in my lower back, not in the same place as even the day before and I was focused on that portion of my body-- and here I am now, an hour of googling and worrying and driving myself into an absolute state of terror.
I'm sorry for such a long winded back story and rambling and everything but I really needed to get this all off my chest. I'm still worked up over this burning in my lower back even though I KNOW that if lymph nodes were affected they would be consistently hurting in the same place every time I drink, or every second time I drink or third-it wouldn't move around all over my body, particularly places that I focus on.
I love you all very much though I don't know you and hope together we can be less worked up and enjoy life more in the moment with less check check checking.
My bad anxiety started almost 3 years ago when I moved into my first place with my best friend, I spilled water on the carpet and mold/mildew something that lived in it burst into life and I got sick enough that I couldn't breath every time I went into the house.
I went to the doctor after we'd ripped up the carpet and I started to get better and she said that if I can't breathe again to come in and they'd figure something out.
A few months later I had super bad earwax to the point where I couldn't hear out of one ear [ew I know, first time this had ever happened to me] After I had it cleaned I had issues with my hearing and was prescribed a nasal spray to try and clear up whatever was in there. This gave me the WORST sinus infection/headache/horribleness of my life. I'd never been that sick.
This is when my lymph node under my jaw swelled up, and this is when my lymphoma fears started.
Despite the fact that I KNEW the lymph node swelled up because of the sinus infection I poke and prodded and worried it because it wasn't going down and it HURT. [likely because of all the poking and prodding] and from my constant checking the muscles under my jaw became super sore, unbeknownst to me at the time as I thought it was all around that lymph node.
Along with the constant poking and prodding I coughed up a tonsil stone-which in turn made me focus on cleaning out my tonsils hoping that it would make the lymph node under my jaw go down. One of the tonsils started aching horribly [because of the constant cleaning I'm sure]
And with my good old Dr Google I found an enlarged painful tonsil is also a sign of Lymphoma! Cue my HA going through the roof. Everything became a possible symptom, every doctor visit soothed me briefly but a few weeks later I'd be back at it.
I had an ultrasound that showed none of my lymph nodes were outside the normal range, I was on antibiotics for my tonsils that soothed them [though I still get tonsil stones and whenever they get too full the lymph node under my jaw gets achy] I gargle salt water and that seems to help keep that lymph node from hurting.
I've been told by an ENT that all the nodes were in normal range and they aren't concerned, I was told by one of the doctors that if it was anything scary it would have shown itself by now [almost 3 years later] and another told me directly that it's not cancer. He's been so kind and so patient with me as my HA gets worse and worse.
All this while I've been taking small sips of alcohol periodically, because THAT is something I focused in on as well-a super rare symptom that other people on the internet seem to have for other non-cancer related reasons sometimes.
I think that any pain I experience from alcohol is in my head, because I'm expecting it to be there though today I scared myself very badly and exacerbated my HA to the nth degree.
At first when I had a sip of alcohol I would wait for the pain to be in my jaw, and of course, pain in the jaw. It wasn't anything like the people on the Lymphoma boards described, which is instant and debilitating. It was a twinge or a spark of pain, nothing insane and it wasn't consistent. Sometimes I'd get a twinge or a spark or an ache but not always; I could have wine and be fine or sometimes I'd be waiting and there-there's a pain, in my leg, or in my jaw or in my neck.
Then I thought-oh maybe in my neck, so the pain would twinge in my neck. Or my jaw-a twinge in the joint of my jaw.
Recently I strained my back, so my attention focused in on that. I had a sip of alcohol and high on the left side of my spine there was an ache.
Oh my god-an /ache/ that's a bit closer to what the other people were saying: My scumbag brain tells me, betraying my trust and sending me into a horrible spiral of HA.
I went into a spiral of fear even though the back pain was there the next day, so, kinda obviously a pulled muscle that was being irritated, either by my flopping about like a fish or the tension of my anticipation or alcohol drying me out or something.
Cue having another sip the next day and having nothing happen-with my headphones and relaxation tapes of a kind woman telling me to stop ruining my life with anxiety and focus on my breaths.
But today I gave in and had another shot of alcohol, then started putting away dishes to distract myself. I was doing it quite vigorously, possibly quite tensely when an ache started, then a burning. It was in my lower back, not in the same place as even the day before and I was focused on that portion of my body-- and here I am now, an hour of googling and worrying and driving myself into an absolute state of terror.
I'm sorry for such a long winded back story and rambling and everything but I really needed to get this all off my chest. I'm still worked up over this burning in my lower back even though I KNOW that if lymph nodes were affected they would be consistently hurting in the same place every time I drink, or every second time I drink or third-it wouldn't move around all over my body, particularly places that I focus on.
I love you all very much though I don't know you and hope together we can be less worked up and enjoy life more in the moment with less check check checking.