View Full Version : Darkest Days
I'm feeling so down today, I've had enough. It feels like I'm heading back down into the darkest days I've ever had.
I've got so many threads spread here and there about my various problems, I thought I'd start one here cause my depression feels like it's getting too much to handle again. I just need to get this out, maybe it will help.
I feel like I want to cry but I can't let it out, I just keep feeling more and more down and my thoughts are racing out of control. I'm scared what I might end up doing to myself. I'm desperately trying to fight the urge to harm, but I don't know if I can hold out. I know I'm not thinking properly but I just cant seem to stop these thoughts.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell my doctor how I'm really feeling cause I know I might end up in hospital for my own safety and the thought of that really scares me. My housemate is downstairs and I'm hiding away in my bedroom as usual, I don't want to scare him by telling him how I'm feeling. I just want it all to stop and I don’t know how.
I'm coming off of paroxetine because I'm sposed to be going onto venlafaxine, but I'm not seeing my doc till next wed to start them, I don't think I can handle this till then. Every minute feels like an hour and I just want to sleep so I can be unconscious from all this but I can't.
I'm really sorry if I'm upsetting or scaring people, I just have to get this out somehow. Any hugs (guys need hugs too) or ideas what I should do, cause I just can't think properly.
Hey you, you ok? Sending you a big hug if that will help! I don't really know what I can say to try and make things seem a little better for you - is there someone that you can talk to about how you are feeling that can go to your house and just sit with you.
I know it is easier to say than do but would it be better for you to have your release through crying than by harming youself. I know sometimes that when I feel sad but hold back the tears, i just feel worse and worse!! Ususally putting some of my fave music on helps with the whole catharsis thing and does help.
Nothing I, or anyone else can say is going to make you feel better but please get some help sooner rather than later hunny or of you dont want to talk - just go sit with your housemate as then you are less likely to hurt yourself! I don't really know hunny - just trying to make some suggestions!
Hope you feel better soon and keep writing - you will get there in the end, I promise you and you will be so much better when you get there.
Big hugs
DShell x
Hi Jimbo,
My advice would be to speak to someone to ease the pain. OK, you can't talk to your housemate but what about somebody neutral and understanding?
No Panic 0808 808 0545
Saneline 0845 767 8000
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Samaritans 08457 90 90 90
I know how bad it can be - a few steps in the fresh air can help too.
I did go down sit with my housemate, he realised straight away something was up with me and had a bit of a chat.
He made me a cup of tea and I ate some food, I hadn't eaten all day, I'm feeling a bit better now.
I just hope I can get through the next few days. Allthough I'm scared to, do you think I should call my doc?
Sorry again guys, I feel like an idiot now. :(
Hi Jimbo and hugs,
Sorry to hear you're going through such a bad time at the moment-if I were you and you really can't wait any longer, I would try getting an emergency appointment with your doctor today. It's a particularly difficult time when you're coming off one med before going onto the next-I know myself, but be positive, venlafaxine could be the one for you.
Take Care,
Sarah
Don't feel like an idiot Jimbo - you did the best thing you could and that has obviously helped you a bit!! Stilll try and get an earlier appointment with your GP though!
You have a great housemate doing that for you hun and I'm sure just knowing that will make you feel less lonely and more supported.
Keep smiling hun x
Hi how are you doing now? im sorry i didnt catch your thread abit sooner.You did the best thing coming on here and mailing how you are feeling,just expressing how you are feeling can sometimes help as you are "releasing" instead of having it build up inside you.Just break your time down abit so it dont seem so daunting hour by hour,even minute by minute if you have to.Is there something you could do that you enjoy,good dvd, a book or even listening to your favourite band.Even mail on here all night-youll be in good hands!See your doctor when you can they can help you.Sorry if i havnt come up with anything different.
Let us know how you are and course guys need hugs so sending loads.Dont be hard on yourself.
Wendie j x
I'm still feeling quite upset, but a bit more in control again. I played a bit of golf with my housemate on the x-box and it took my mind off everything for a while. I phoned up my mum told her how I was feeling and I'm going to go stay with her in a couple of days. It does mean I have to face a train journey down there tho. :S
I'm still too scared to phone my doctor. I think it must be me coming off these meds, I was coping till today but when I got up this morning everything just went crazy for a bit. I guess there isn't much she can do anyway. I've given all my other meds to my housemate and asked him to hide them to reduce the temptation of doing something stupid.
To add to the stress, I also had a phone call a bit earlier to say my website was down and it appears hackers have got in and destroyed the forum I run, so I had to phone up the hosting company and ask them to restore a backup... sigh.
Thanks for being there guys. If I start to feel really bad again, I'll come on and post again or venture into the chat room if I feel brave enough.
As I'm typing my housemate just came back from shopping and bought me a big bar of chocolate to cheer me up. :)
Keitharcher
27-02-07, 20:08
Hi Jimbo
It sounds like you are having a tough time of it. Well stop and take stock, if your down like that the only way is up, you will come out the othe end fine. You are doing the right thing getting things of your chest here, this is one place that will not judge you, hoiwever, it will try to help you. My advice is be positive and laugh, laugter is the best medicine in the world, whish I could bottle it i would make a fortune. Dont keep things bottled up, let them out tell anyone, even the bloke sitting next to you on the train, you will find that when you talk this will also help to reduce your problems
Keith
I'm so sorry about all that earlier. Thanks so much for listening and posting back, I think I totally flipped out there for a while. I just seem to go into self destruct mode sometimes and there's nothing I can do about it. :doh: I guess the positive thing is I did try to tell someone about it, I normally end up just keeping it all locked away inside.
I'm gonna try to get an appointment to see my GP tomorrow.
I'm wondering if I can just start the Venlafaxine rather than spending so long coming off the Paroxetine? :confused: I have no idea whether it's safe to do that? I don't know if coming off the meds has caused today, but it's been the worst day I've had in ages.
I'm absolutely shattered now, so gonna go to bed and try to forget about today. :emot-sleepyhead:
Thanks again,
Jim
Hope you sleep well and feel better in the morning darlin - tomorra is another day!
Keep strong - like somebody else said, the only way is up now and you will get there! Just be proud of yourself for how well you have coped today!
Sweet dreams and good luck tomorrow with your dr - your doing the right thing.
DShell x
Well done you! you coped brilliantly last night really proud of you.
How are you feeling today?
Wendie j x
Still feeling a bit down and sad this morning, not as bad as yesterday tho. Just feel a bit of a failure for being such an idiot yesterday. I could so easily have done something stupid and I know I would be regretting it today.
Had a really strange nights sleep, kept having weird dreams where I realised I was dreaming but couldn't wake myself up. I had been looking at the gallery pics yesterday before I went to bed and I remember one weird dream where Piglet had come round my house and was trying to wake me up! Weird eh? Sadly she wasn't there when I did. ;)
I've just booked an appointment to see my GP, so I'm going in at 11:40. Not sure how I'm gonna explain all this, I spose I've been a bit silly coming off these tablets a bit quicker than I was told to. I'm a bit fearful cause I haven't seen her for a while, she was on holiday, so a lot has happened since the last time. My head feels a bit muzzy so I hope I manage to get everything out.
Hi well done for booking an appointment,if you read this before you go just try and be as honest as you can with the doc about everything,let it all out.Then they can see easier whats going on.
Let us know how you get on and well done you!
Wendie j x
Good luck Jimbo and be proud of yourself! x
Hi Jim
Ive seen your other threads re meds, I think you need to be a bit firmer on your GP...Im not sure why he's switching yours meds ???
Paroxetine needs a few months to work but is great for anxiety...But like all others can make you feel horrible to start with...thats why Im wondering why hes taking you off then trialing another??
I made it, ended up pretty much breaking down, with tears in my eyes as I was telling her how I felt. :weep:
She said it's almost definately because I've stopped taking the paroxetine so quickly and it was obviously helping me more than I realised. She said it's better to stop taking them much slower but at least I can start the new tablets and I should feel much better when they get into my system. I'm starting on the new tablets tomorrow and she told me to go home and take a couple of valium so I can get through the rest of today. :blink: :mellow: :emot-sleepyhead:
No mention of locking me up, thank god :yesyes: . She said if I start to feel really bad again, I should make sure I speak to someone, whether it's my housemates, you lot or the samaritans :S scary thought phoning them, I'd much rather come here :hugs:. I promise I will come into the chat room if I do start to lose it again, if thats ok? I've not really been in there before so I don't know what goes on?
I have to go back to see her on friday as she wants to check how I'm doing.
Mooks,
I had been taking 20mg for a few months, then 30mg for about 6 weeks. It was helping with my depression, but not massively and was doing nothing for my panic and anxiety, that was getting worse I think. Which is why he wanted me to switch. Makes sense... I guess. It's my Pshychiatrist thats dealing with my meds, my GP just follows what he tells her to do.
Paroxetine was the 3rd SSRI I've tried and not had much success with them really. I think Venlafaxine is an SNRI? Slightly different I guess, and most of the stuff I've read says it's much better than Paroxetine for anxiety and without a lot of the horror stories to go along with it.
Hi there
im glad your doctor was a help,you did the right thing just letting it all out,as she could see what was going on,and im glad she wants to see you in a couple of days.
Just keep going hour by hour if you have to while the new meds kick in abit and if you feel better being on here than ringing sams then do it,do whats best for you.your in good hands here with lots of people who understand.
take care Wendie j
Feeling ok atm, just a bit out of it after taking the valium. :sleep:
Fell asleep for about half and hour, keep having weird dreams about NMP members trying to get me out of bed to do stuff... lol.
Turned into a complete nightmare yesterday.
I made a mistake in drinking a can of beer, then another, which then made me decide to go and buy a bottle of whiskey, a very very bad idea.
I don't remember much after that, till I woke up in hospital this morning.:eek:
Aparrantly, I drank half the bottle of whiskey, took all my sleeping tablets and the entire box of valium I had. I must have somehow managed to call an abulance and they found me unconscous by my front door with a suicide note.
My housemates came home later not knowing what was going on and expecting to find me watching tv. Instead they found blood everyehere, I had apparantly cut my arms up pretty good and ended up getting it all over the house. They realised what was going on and called the hospital, and came down to see me. I don't remember any of it, appparantly I was hooked up to machines and in a coma as they couldn't wake me up. I also apparantly ripped out my drip and wires, got up said I was going to the toilet but walked out of the hospital at about 4 in the morning and managed to walk the 2 miles home! All of this I don't remember! My housemate took me back, and I eventually came round at about 7 and they discharged me at 9 and here I am now.
Bloomin eck Jimbo - You ok? How are you feeling now?
Sending you a big huge hug.
Do you normally drink bad? The only advice really is to try and avoid it if you can and ask your housemates to keep hold of your tablets unless you need them!
I'm so sorry hun, dont really know what else to say.
Dawn x
Gosh sweetie what a awful time youve had.
I agree with dawn get someone to have your tablets and ban alcohol from the house for the time being.Alcohol really is a "false" freind easy for me to say i know but just get on here and mail away if you feel tempted.There will be lots of people here to support you.
Have you still got that doctors appointment booked for friday? id really urge you to go however difficult for you.
You WILL get through this let the doctor and everyone on nmp support you.
Let us know how you are.
HUGS wendie j x
Feeling a bit ill, sore, hungover and sleepy, I keep finding bruises all over me, no idea where they came from. Keep getting slight flashbacks of being in the abulance and stuff now. My arms are all bandaged up so I can't see what I've done to them, which is probably a good thing.
Still feeling pretty down, I do wish I hadn't woken up. Now I have to deal with everything again.
I don't normally drink at all, not sure why I decided it was a good idea yesterday. I've decided I'm never drinking again, shame cause I have half a bottle of really nice scotch left :(
My housemates were looking after my tablets, but I found out where they were keeping them and they had gone out so I could easily get at them.
The thing that's playing on my mind, is they said they had told my psyche what I've done, so I'm dreading what'll happen next now. I see my doc again tomorrow, and I'm feeling such an idot now. Plus I don't have any sleeping tablets left for tonight :(
Hi jimbo
im around online if you want to p.m me and have someone to chat to.
Wendie j x
jimbo
im so sorry to hear your having a rough time...can you afford private help??
Its easy for us to preach but i am a victim of suicide, my father last year, all I can say it creates awful pain for those left behind...please please speak to anyone before you go down that path again....
My anxiety and depression gets me so low so I can understand the complete desolation...I think you need more hands on treatment than your getting at the mo xxx
I am feeling ok right now. Had a bit of a doze in front of the tv for a while. Just feeling a bit shaky as the realization of what I actually did yesterday is dawning on me. That I might not be here now if I hadn't managed to call an ambulance and that's not what I want.
My housemates called me downstairs, made me a cup of tea and had a really long chat with me. I scared them half to death and they are really worried about me. They hardly slept a wink last night cause they were worrying so much. They are scared that I might do it again, but next time I might not make it. They said they wouldn't be able to cope if they came home and found me dead or something. I'm pretty much family to them and It would destroy them if I died. I wish I could reassure them that I won't, but I didn't want to do what I did yesterday and I honestly don't know how I actually ended up going through with it. Logically, I cant guarantee it won't happen again, as I'm obviously not in control of my actions at the moment.
They said they can't check on me all the time as they work and think that I should be under the care of someone that can check up on me and make sure I don't do anything like that again until I'm well. Basically they think I should go into hospital for my own safety. They tried suggesting I live at home with my mum. Although I get on ok with my mum in small doses, I wouldn't want to be living there 24/7, and she works more than my housemates so I wouldn't be any safer there.
The thought of hospital scares the hell out of me, but I also understand what they are saying. I hadn't realised how badly my behaviour is affecting them, my family and other people. I guess I'm a bit selfish cause I was only thinking about myself.
One of them is coming with me to the doctor tomorrow because they want to talk to her about it all and get some advice of what they should do.
I'm scared what is going to happen tomorrow as I don't want to be in hospital and I also don't want to upset my housemates or cause them any extra stress. I also agree it's unreasonable that they should have to care for me.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
P.S. Mooks, you posted just as I was writing this, I think your saying pretty much the same thing.
hi jim
Yeah I would agree with what your saying...Its awful for the people having to deal with it.
Not that its not awful for you, ive suffered for years so can totally realate to your despair.
All I can say is I wish my Dad had been brave enough to get help before taking such drastic action, Its left behind a catologue of nightmares and life will never be ok for me again. So its takes a very brave person to put their hand up and ask for help.
Hospital is a difficult one, I think ultimately you have to be safe and get help at the same time, helping yourself, rather than others feeling resposible. I only say that as I suffer so much guilt over my dad, that I couldnt help. I have always said to my husband if my depression ever got so bad I eould go to hospital 'to be safe'
See what your gp says, you could go private like Priory or something but costs...NHS is not good in Mental Health unfortunately xx
I'm feeling a bit better today, still a bit sore and feeling pretty stupid.
Thanks to the person in the chat room last night that spoke to me, I had worked myself up and was feeling pretty scared. It helped at least to have someone listen to my ramblings.
I had a call from my cpn earlier checking up on me. Apparantly I'd spoken to a psych at the hospital (I dont remember that) which is why they weren't so worried about me, cause they knew I'd made a mistake and didn't really want to die. She said she thinks it was just a blip because of me changing medication and of course drinking. She reassured me that I'm not going to be put into hospital against my wishes, phew.
I've still got to face my GP later which I'm feeling anxious about, I'm a bit scared I've done some serious damage to my body. I'm more worried about the effect this has had on everyone else tho. I scared a lot of people and I'm not sure they will ever truly forgive me for it.
My housemates have offered to drive me home to stay with my mum for the weekend. They are going away on holiday and they don't want me in the house on my own.
I do have internet down there, but I might not be able to get on, so I might not post for a few days.
Hey guys,
I'm down at home with my mum at the moment so a bit 'out of my comfort zone' in terms of being able to escape from my anxiety. But I think it's doing me some good. Especially seeing some of my friends that I don't often get to see.
I think I'm over the worst of it now, I think the last week was probably the lowest and worst time of my entire life. So I guess things can only get better now and the only way is up. :yesyes:
I've still had my bad moments and feel pretty low sometimes but I can at least see some hope that I can come through this now. I mean, things can't really get any worse than they were.
I am going to be under close supervision, I've got to see my doc twice a week after I get back and be in contact with my cpn regularily. It does feel a bit silly when I have a headache having to ask every time I want a paracetamol. :lac:
My therapy finally starts next thursday, so hopefully that's gonna help sort out my anxiety and emotions, etc.
I'm feeling pretty cosy right now, its sunday morning, pouring with rain outside and I'm nice and warm inside with the fire on. :)
Jim
(btw, don't ever buy a Mac, the keyboards are weird and PC's are much better! :P )
I'm glad you feel that you have got to the other side now and that in itself is a huge huge thing - like you said, the only for you now is up so keep going and be proud of yourself for getting through this week!
Have a good weekend with your mum, enjoy being cozy and take that feeling back home with you!
Keep smiling,
DShell x
Hi so glad you got to your mums and you are feeling abit stronger.Well done you!
Wendie j :hugs:
Just got back from a long weekend away, down with my mum. Went ok, just this nagging anxiety most of the time that I was out of my comfort zone with no easy escape, but it was nice to get away from the whole doctors/psych's/therapists thing and took my mind off everything a bit. Also had my mum set me to work sorting out her Mac and doing various jobs for her... sigh (did I ever say I hate Mac's? Don’t ever buy one, PC's rock!) I guess it took my mind off things for a bit which was good. A few blips here and there of nasty anxiety, panic and sudden low mood swings but I think it did me some good being away from everything down here for a while. Physically I'm feeling much better now, I think my body took a major hit and took a few days to sort itself out.
Wanted to be back home a lot, but now I'm back I just have other worries, like seeing the therapist this week, the list goes on and on! Urgh, I'm a constant worrier!
The whole crazy incident has kind of shaken me up totally. I'm very embarrassed about it! I'm feeling bad about even having posted about it on here. The reaction it causes in people is understandably, not generally good. I understand the 'cry for help' interpretation of it, but some of the stuff people have done, gone out of their way to try to help me out, offer advice, worry about me, etc, etc, is kinda crazy. I don't want to feel like a burden to people and have them constantly worrying about me or even going out of their way to help me. I kinda feel like I've got a scary label 'suicide attempt' stuck over my head now, and people are going to judge me on that, but I don't want to be treated any different.
Bah, I'm just rambling now! :shrug:
Jim
I'm not going to post on this thread any more. It's just a bad reminder of a terrible time that needs to be put behind me. I don't even like the title! :mad:
Hopefully I'll start a new and more positive thread somewhere. :D
Jim
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