Cant-cope
04-02-16, 01:24
As my name states, I can't cope!
I am going out of my mind!
This is a very long story so please bare with me...
I am a stay at home Mum with a 4.5year old little boy who started school in September, I am also 6 months pregnant.
I suffer with server OCD, depression and anxiety and have a history of bi-polar.
I have had 3 breakdowns and counting... The first when I was pregnant with my Son, I stupidly came off my medication and ended up having a breakdown when I was 4 months pregnant. Now here is where it gets complex, I have 2 house rabbits who are my babies, one in particular is extremely important to me, he literally saved my life when he came to me 7 years ago, I was ready to die after loosing my beloved hamster Pippa, I wanted to join her but Jimby came in to my life and gave me something to live for and we have a profound bond and have stuck together through thick and thin, my OCD is very much centered around keeping them safe. The breakdown I had in my first pregnancy was due to finding a rodent bait box in the new house we just rented, I started seeing poison everywhere and convinced myself that they were going to die so I became totally unable to cope and my husband had to quit work to care for me full time as I was ready to throw myself in front of a train, because we had just moved I was between mental health services so the 'support' was non existent and it took 2 months for me even to be able to speak to a psychiatrist.
We eventually had to move as couldn't afford the rent anymore so moved in with my family, which was ok for a short time but in October 2 months after my son was born I had another breakdown, again this was bunny related.
There is a disease rabbits can get called VHD, which is awful and makes the rabbit bleed to death internally over a couple of days, there is no cure once they contract it, they will die. The disease can be transferred via inanimate objects, carried on shoes etc and is extremely hardy. They are both vaccinated against this disease but in October 2011 I found out that 2 rabbits who were vaccinated and lived around 15 mins away from me died of vhd, I totally lost all confidence in the vaccine and was convinced they would die, things got very hard at home as no one could deal with me constantly cleaning and worrying about where everyone had been and having to disinfect them on entry to the house so we ended up moving out.
Things just kept getting worse the more convinced I became that they were going to die and to cut a long story short I fought like crazy with the help of OCD Action to get into Bethlem Royal Hospital. I spent around 4 months there as an inpatient coming home at the weekends, things were not easy as my Nan died due to an extremely fast onset of pancreatic cancer when I had been there a few weeks so that made it harder and to this day I can not accept she is gone. I received intensive CBT for my OCD and it was awful but it definitely helped I was able to come home and live a relatively normal life for sometime till now...
There is now a mutated strain of vhd, which the current vaccine does not cover, they have created a vaccine in Germany which is able to be imported into the UK, I have hunted down vets who have ordered it but found out today that it is out of stock as the company who manufactures it did not realise there would be such high demand.
Things have got so bad I can not cope, it got to the stage I couldn't move around my house for fear of spreading the disease, it all came to a head when I was unable to move, totally immobilised on the bed unable to even move my legs for 7 hours, I could not get up to go to the toilet so held it all day, didn't eat or drink and obviously being pregnant that is not good at all. I had also self harmed.
When my husband got home from work we got on the phone to my cpn who basically told me that I had to go to a psychiatric hospital where I would be assessed or j would be sectioned, I was unable to go out then return home due to being petrified I would take the disease back home so he promised that I wouldn't have to and that a bed would be found for me after the assessment, well on arriving at the hospital they were not even going to assess me as I had not seen my cpn in person so would be against protocol to see me, they wanted to send me home which set me off again, they eventually agreed to assess me but then said there were no beds and I didn't qualify for an acute bed on the ward so I would have to go home, to which I replied I would not re enter the house and would sleep in the car, so we had no choice but to go through a&e, where I ended up on maternity as that was the only bed available, I stayed there for the night and saw a doctor in the morning who said they would look for a crisis bed for me, this was promised then fell through twice and they eventually deemed I was too high risk and would have to go on the ward. So I was transferred to a psychiatric ward on the Thursday, which turned out to be a huge mistake!! I didn't want to stay and the doctor told me that if I didn't agree to stay he would section me, I had a complete meltdown and convinced myself I was going into premature labour as I felt like I was having contractions so ended up being taken back to hospital via ambulance which they then decided it was bought on by stress and I was not going into labour so was taken back to the ward. I couldn't sleep in my room as I felt it was dirty so I literally sat on a hard chair at the table all night until I saw the doctor the following day. She first of all said that I could try going home during the day and they would hold my bed for me, then discovered the bed could not be held so I would have to stay so one of the staff helped me clean my room top to bottom so I felt able to go in there, I stayed that night and tried to make the most of it, only to discover that one of the patients there was extremely unwell and (this is gross- read with caution!)
... Picked his bum, sniffed it and ate it then proceeded to wipe it on anything and everything around him, I got totally disgusted and didn't want to be anywhere near him and didn't want to touch anything for fear of him having touched it.
He made the entire room smell like s**t and I literally felt sick so tried to stay in my room as much as I could to keep away which meant I missed meals.
It got to the stage where I decided I would have to discharge myself and face going home again, so on Monday I saw the doctor again and she agreed that it was not the right environment for a pregnant women and agreed to discharge me,only problem is the support is non existent, the home treatment team were meant to be involved for a short period following discharge then all that could be done is a flag up to say that I need help but would hardly move me up the waiting list for therapy.
On discharge they didn't even have all my medications which they ran out of over the weekend so I had already gone without for a day which is not good at all, I have been home 2 days now and am yet to hear from the home treatment team, things are really not good to be honest, on arriving home my husband told me he was dreading me coming home and proceeded to make me feel like a complete burden, he had a go at me when I asked him to clean something and i ended up in the bath crying my heart out for hours, I then had to wake him to tell him that we were not working anymore, that he acts like he hates me and I told him I was giving him an out, he said he was sorry and that we wrere going to start over and he would be more accommodating and try to be more understanding, well that didn't even last a day, he has been very stroppy with me since. I am unable to go downstairs on my own so I spend all day in the bedroom but I am managing to go to the bathroom which is something but i am terrified that the rabbits are going to die so keep creating ways in which the disease will get into the house which is creating increased anxiety.
I can not look after my son so my sister and mum have taken on roles to look after him, collecting him from school as I can't go out and looking after him and getting him in to bed, I feel like I am being replaced, I get a very small window to be with him before he goes to bed and is only allowed 10 mins with me before they say times up, they don't listen to what I say as a parent and anything I say gets over ruled but I no longer even feel like the parent cause I am not good enough anymore, I can't even look after my own son, what kind of mother can't even pick their child up from school, cook dinner and get them to bed? A useless one that's who.
Sorry for such a long thread and well done if you made it to the end!!
I am going out of my mind!
This is a very long story so please bare with me...
I am a stay at home Mum with a 4.5year old little boy who started school in September, I am also 6 months pregnant.
I suffer with server OCD, depression and anxiety and have a history of bi-polar.
I have had 3 breakdowns and counting... The first when I was pregnant with my Son, I stupidly came off my medication and ended up having a breakdown when I was 4 months pregnant. Now here is where it gets complex, I have 2 house rabbits who are my babies, one in particular is extremely important to me, he literally saved my life when he came to me 7 years ago, I was ready to die after loosing my beloved hamster Pippa, I wanted to join her but Jimby came in to my life and gave me something to live for and we have a profound bond and have stuck together through thick and thin, my OCD is very much centered around keeping them safe. The breakdown I had in my first pregnancy was due to finding a rodent bait box in the new house we just rented, I started seeing poison everywhere and convinced myself that they were going to die so I became totally unable to cope and my husband had to quit work to care for me full time as I was ready to throw myself in front of a train, because we had just moved I was between mental health services so the 'support' was non existent and it took 2 months for me even to be able to speak to a psychiatrist.
We eventually had to move as couldn't afford the rent anymore so moved in with my family, which was ok for a short time but in October 2 months after my son was born I had another breakdown, again this was bunny related.
There is a disease rabbits can get called VHD, which is awful and makes the rabbit bleed to death internally over a couple of days, there is no cure once they contract it, they will die. The disease can be transferred via inanimate objects, carried on shoes etc and is extremely hardy. They are both vaccinated against this disease but in October 2011 I found out that 2 rabbits who were vaccinated and lived around 15 mins away from me died of vhd, I totally lost all confidence in the vaccine and was convinced they would die, things got very hard at home as no one could deal with me constantly cleaning and worrying about where everyone had been and having to disinfect them on entry to the house so we ended up moving out.
Things just kept getting worse the more convinced I became that they were going to die and to cut a long story short I fought like crazy with the help of OCD Action to get into Bethlem Royal Hospital. I spent around 4 months there as an inpatient coming home at the weekends, things were not easy as my Nan died due to an extremely fast onset of pancreatic cancer when I had been there a few weeks so that made it harder and to this day I can not accept she is gone. I received intensive CBT for my OCD and it was awful but it definitely helped I was able to come home and live a relatively normal life for sometime till now...
There is now a mutated strain of vhd, which the current vaccine does not cover, they have created a vaccine in Germany which is able to be imported into the UK, I have hunted down vets who have ordered it but found out today that it is out of stock as the company who manufactures it did not realise there would be such high demand.
Things have got so bad I can not cope, it got to the stage I couldn't move around my house for fear of spreading the disease, it all came to a head when I was unable to move, totally immobilised on the bed unable to even move my legs for 7 hours, I could not get up to go to the toilet so held it all day, didn't eat or drink and obviously being pregnant that is not good at all. I had also self harmed.
When my husband got home from work we got on the phone to my cpn who basically told me that I had to go to a psychiatric hospital where I would be assessed or j would be sectioned, I was unable to go out then return home due to being petrified I would take the disease back home so he promised that I wouldn't have to and that a bed would be found for me after the assessment, well on arriving at the hospital they were not even going to assess me as I had not seen my cpn in person so would be against protocol to see me, they wanted to send me home which set me off again, they eventually agreed to assess me but then said there were no beds and I didn't qualify for an acute bed on the ward so I would have to go home, to which I replied I would not re enter the house and would sleep in the car, so we had no choice but to go through a&e, where I ended up on maternity as that was the only bed available, I stayed there for the night and saw a doctor in the morning who said they would look for a crisis bed for me, this was promised then fell through twice and they eventually deemed I was too high risk and would have to go on the ward. So I was transferred to a psychiatric ward on the Thursday, which turned out to be a huge mistake!! I didn't want to stay and the doctor told me that if I didn't agree to stay he would section me, I had a complete meltdown and convinced myself I was going into premature labour as I felt like I was having contractions so ended up being taken back to hospital via ambulance which they then decided it was bought on by stress and I was not going into labour so was taken back to the ward. I couldn't sleep in my room as I felt it was dirty so I literally sat on a hard chair at the table all night until I saw the doctor the following day. She first of all said that I could try going home during the day and they would hold my bed for me, then discovered the bed could not be held so I would have to stay so one of the staff helped me clean my room top to bottom so I felt able to go in there, I stayed that night and tried to make the most of it, only to discover that one of the patients there was extremely unwell and (this is gross- read with caution!)
... Picked his bum, sniffed it and ate it then proceeded to wipe it on anything and everything around him, I got totally disgusted and didn't want to be anywhere near him and didn't want to touch anything for fear of him having touched it.
He made the entire room smell like s**t and I literally felt sick so tried to stay in my room as much as I could to keep away which meant I missed meals.
It got to the stage where I decided I would have to discharge myself and face going home again, so on Monday I saw the doctor again and she agreed that it was not the right environment for a pregnant women and agreed to discharge me,only problem is the support is non existent, the home treatment team were meant to be involved for a short period following discharge then all that could be done is a flag up to say that I need help but would hardly move me up the waiting list for therapy.
On discharge they didn't even have all my medications which they ran out of over the weekend so I had already gone without for a day which is not good at all, I have been home 2 days now and am yet to hear from the home treatment team, things are really not good to be honest, on arriving home my husband told me he was dreading me coming home and proceeded to make me feel like a complete burden, he had a go at me when I asked him to clean something and i ended up in the bath crying my heart out for hours, I then had to wake him to tell him that we were not working anymore, that he acts like he hates me and I told him I was giving him an out, he said he was sorry and that we wrere going to start over and he would be more accommodating and try to be more understanding, well that didn't even last a day, he has been very stroppy with me since. I am unable to go downstairs on my own so I spend all day in the bedroom but I am managing to go to the bathroom which is something but i am terrified that the rabbits are going to die so keep creating ways in which the disease will get into the house which is creating increased anxiety.
I can not look after my son so my sister and mum have taken on roles to look after him, collecting him from school as I can't go out and looking after him and getting him in to bed, I feel like I am being replaced, I get a very small window to be with him before he goes to bed and is only allowed 10 mins with me before they say times up, they don't listen to what I say as a parent and anything I say gets over ruled but I no longer even feel like the parent cause I am not good enough anymore, I can't even look after my own son, what kind of mother can't even pick their child up from school, cook dinner and get them to bed? A useless one that's who.
Sorry for such a long thread and well done if you made it to the end!!