please help

[ian6989]

hi people I'm new to this forum.

I've battled anxiety for years and have been on citalopram 40mg for about 4 years. I have recently took a turn for the worse and starting to move onto mirtazapine. which i have been having at night 15mg whilst tapering off the citalopram. i have seen a psychiatrist who says it is very very obsessional thinking. but i am not to sure? what it feels like is i have this feeling that enters my mind that i can't get rid of? it just a feeling every now and again it comes and goes but has no logical explanation. every time i get a thought in my head it feels like the thought isn't mine in a way. i hear a voice in my mind that comments on things and says kill your mum when she is around. i feel like my mind goes totally blank. sounds like someone is speaking to me sometimes in my head ? when I'm sat there I'm like i can't figure out how a normal person thinks. now i have it lodged into my head that i have never been well all my life ? i just feel really weird and scared. I'm scared to see my friends etc... its like this feeling is just sometimes there (which it is now) and sometimes its not then i start to think why has it gone away? it feels like a feeling but when it goes away it is a thought. why i start speaking to people on the phone its like this inner voice tells me to tell people to f**k off. i also have a big fear of psychosis and schizophrenia. i just always feel really really odd?? sometimes my thoughts don't seem like my own. they just like pop in my head?? i am awaiting counselling to start on friday CBT. as i have been assured it is not psychosis but i still think it is. its like i don't no what to think of. i don't no how a normal person thinks ? any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Istherehope?]

Hi, it doesn't sound like psychosis because you are troubled by these thoughts/feelings and you are aware of not wanting them. I'm no expert but I think the more we worry about certain thoughts the more they will pop into our heads - like the example of someone telling you not to think about or visualise a pink elephant for the next ten minutes, chances are you wont be able to stop thinking about one. I think one of the techniques with this kind of stuff is to just let the thoughts come and go without judging them or fighting them and eventually they lose their power over you....thoughts are just thoughts at the end of the day however bad they feel, though I realise these ones are feeling particularly frightening right now. There are others who are more experienced with that kind of mindfulness stuff, I'm sure they will be replying too.

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Ps welcome to the site, it's a really good place to get support.

[KeeKee]

Hi, sorry I don't really have much to say, but this could just be major intrusive thoughts. We all get them, some worse than others.

[jadedreams]

Hey there, as Keekee mentioned it does sounds like intrusive thoughts, you might pop over to the OCD part and take a look around there. I suffer from intrusive thoughts too, most about self harm but have had a few about harming others. They can be triggered by seeing an object or just randomly pop into my head seemingly out of nowhere. I used to get them hundreds of times a day but they have calmed down to a few times a day. Still more than I want.

The main thing I have learned through counseling and from others on here is to remember they are just thoughts, let them go on by. The reason they cause you anxiety/worry is because they are the opposite of who you truly are. I have used various mental ways to let them go, think of them like clouds drifting away or leaves floating down a stream. One thing I was heard too was to think of your intrusive thoughts as a train, the train comes in to the station but you don't have to get on board.

Hope that helps a bit, please feel free to ask any questions though.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, it's not psychosis - you wouldn't be questioning it as it would be all consuming.

This is intrusive thoughts and as istherehope? mentioned, the more you try to supress it, the more you think about it because you are instructing your mind to stop an activity and it has to work harder. The white bear exercise is one I know about that, trying not to think of a white bear means you will be thinking about not thinking of the white bear and it's a self defeating cycle. Like the elephant mentioned.

Learning to observe thoughts without interacting means learning to let them go but it takes time & practice. Mindfulness teaches this, amongst many other things. You learn to accept your thoughts as thoughts and that doesn't mean accepting the content because the content is irreverent, it has not purpose so it doesn't need to be understood.

There have been studies to prove that all people have intrusive thoughts, they just don't realise it. When you have a mental health issue like anxiety, you can start to notice them. Some take well known forms like harm based ones like yours. I had these but got rid of them through Mindfulness.

You are not losing your mind and you won't act on them as they are "ego-dystonic". I see you've raised a thread on the OCD board so I'll get more into that on there.