Self-betrayal?

[.Poppy.]

Last Monday I was really, really low. I managed to go to work at 2:30 in the afternoon but missed all my prior classes because I wasn't able to force myself out of bed.

In the week and a half since then, I've swung between feeling really low to feeling somewhat fine and wondering how I could have felt that low. Granted, I can go from feeling somewhat fine to feeling awful in about five seconds.

Anyway, I have been going to therapy -finally- and have a visit with my GP today to talk about my anxiety -finally-. It's only like 8 years in the making. :blush:

However, I'm not feeling fantastic right now but am also not as low as I was last Monday. It's like I'm embarrassed of who I was that day, but it's also like mentally I've pushed it out, if that makes sense. So now I've convinced myself that I'm just being overdramatic, that I really don't need the help of a doctor, that I'm fine, etc. etc.

I know this is something I need to do, I don't know why I feel this way, but I am so scared that I am going to go to the appointment, convince myself that I'm really not that bad, and sell myself short I guess.

I feel like an imposter; I just end up telling myself that no, I'm fine, I don't have anxiety, I'm just lazy with no coping skills, I don't need to see a doc and they're going to think I just want attention, etc. etc.

Anyone else ever feel that way?

[Oosh]

Oh yeh, all the time.

I think it's about how long you've been feeling that way. If you were to be going to tell him you felt bad one day two weeks ago he would probably not take you seriously either. But the truth is you've been feeling bad for a lot longer than that, so tell him that.

If you start to think of how you've been feeling over the past years you'll probably start to see yourself that you have a valid reason for a doctors appointment. Be honest about how you've felt over that longer period and are still feeling today. You just thought it was about time you asked for help.

Hit him with both barrels !
Start by being taken seriously. You can then decide if you want his treatment or not but at least you have been decisive and have given yourself the option.

[.Poppy.]

Thanks. I mentioned it to my therapist and she said pretty much the same thing: if it were an issue of me feeling this way only recently it would be one thing but it's been going on for so long. We wrote down a list of things I wanted to be sure to mention, including my history.

As luck would have it, though, I wrote this original post very early this morning when I was feeling semi-okay. I'm still not super-duper low but am much lower now and concerned about coming across as crazy with some of my worries.

But, *deep breath*. As the song goes, "say what you need to say", right? :) I guess I'll just have to try and see what happens.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Does this look familiar, Poppy?


I haven't talked to my parents yet - they're supportive but I'm not good at opening up to them about this stuff and never have been - so I booked an appointment with a therapist at my school as I can see her without having to get their insurance (and consequently them) involved.

I'm absolutely terrified that she's not going to be able to help me or that she's going to think I'm being melodramatic - I don't know. I feel like I NEED to open up and be totally honest but have never really done that before and am introverted/shy so I know it's going to be really, really hard.


Thanks for all the support. I knew if she was half as supportive as you it would go well :)

The session itself had ups and downs, but even the downs were productive. The woman I saw was awesome. She actually has taken accutane (the medicine that is causing all my HA this go around) and knew about all the scary stories. She is also very well versed on health anxiety and just all-around supportive in general.

The "downs" (if you can call them that) is that she thinks I need to build up my support group. I've struggled with this anxiety for so long but really haven't told anyone in person because I didn't think I could handle it. She said she won't push me into doing anything, but she wants me to tell my parents so that they can support me and she wants me to talk to my GP. Partially because I told her my GP is great and can usually put my mind at ease, and also because she thinks I may benefit from medication, at least for a little while. I'm on the fence but she thinks it would be a good start.

She gave me a very detailed printout on anxiety and the by-products of anxiety, as well as a link for a CBT workbook for health anxiety.

Overall, she was just great. I'm meeting with her again next week. I felt a lot better when I was talking to her, now I'm kind of succumbing to my toxic thoughts again but I suppose it's a process.

So, when you say you are worried what your GP with think of you and how your worries will be perceived, can you see how what you are now worried about is no different to what you were worried about over seeing a therapist?

[.Poppy.]

Yes, Terry I suppose I can. :blush:

If I really must think about it, I believe my real underlying fear here is that this is all so real (if that makes sense). Before, I just kind of dealt with my anxiety myself. I have been to counseling services on campus before, but was never totally honest about my anxieties and really just talked about school stress.

Now, I've sort of set the wheel in motion and, while necessary, it is absolutely terrifying. If you've seen my other thread, now I have someone who has actually told me, "yes, you have anxiety and depression". Who has prescribed meds. Who has said that therapy is a must for me, even referred me to a psychiatrist in case long term meds are needed.

Again, all necessary but really hard to come to terms with, especially on those days I feel a little bit okay and hate myself for ever feeling low. Before I could tell myself that I was just a little anxious, that it was normal, that I was being dramatic when I was tearful at random times or had to force myself out of bed. Now that someone says that's not normal, we need to work on this -- ugh. Hard to accept.

[Sunshine2]

It's normal to feel like that. I didn't seek help until I was so low I was going to harm myself due to my depression. It was only then I panicked and rushed to the doctors and cried my eyes out and basically told them I wanted to die. I was worried she was going to think I was being dramatic and silly. And since then I've been on the up. My anxiety flared up due to an incident at work and I felt like I was being silly, it's taking me months to get over and feel like I'm making a big deal out of it. But everyone said it is normal and it is ok to feel like that and it is a big deal. Sometimes you need someone to reassure you it is ok. I would recommend being honest and open with the doctor about how you feel because that is the only way they can help you. I'm on meds at the moment which has helped a lot.

[unspoken]

I totally get where you're coming from. I start to worry that my problems aren't important enough every time I'm in the waiting room at the doctor's. It's so hard because the mind has a way of distorting things so that you forget just how bad you felt once you feel better, and you forget that it's possible to feel better when it's bad.

When you are feeling particularly anxious, write down all your thoughts and physical symptoms and keep that list to remind you when you do see doctors. I think anxiety also causes low self esteem so we think our problems aren't as important as other people's. It sounds like you're on the way to getting some support, which is great. You deserve the support just as much as anyone else, so remember to be kind to yourself.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I start to worry that my problems aren't important enough every time I'm in the waiting room at the doctor's.

Yes, but what we need to remember is that a GP surgery is probably full of fairly minor issues all day long and they don't feel guilty for bothering a GP. Some people rush to their GP for a basic cold and I don't mean people with anxiety either.

So, if the GP sees them, why would they be unhappy with something far more complex and destructive as mental health issues?

---------- Post added at 04:45 ---------- Previous post was at 04:44 ----------


Yes, Terry I suppose I can. :blush:

If I really must think about it, I believe my real underlying fear here is that this is all so real (if that makes sense). Before, I just kind of dealt with my anxiety myself. I have been to counseling services on campus before, but was never totally honest about my anxieties and really just talked about school stress.

Now, I've sort of set the wheel in motion and, while necessary, it is absolutely terrifying. If you've seen my other thread, now I have someone who has actually told me, "yes, you have anxiety and depression". Who has prescribed meds. Who has said that therapy is a must for me, even referred me to a psychiatrist in case long term meds are needed.

Again, all necessary but really hard to come to terms with, especially on those days I feel a little bit okay and hate myself for ever feeling low. Before I could tell myself that I was just a little anxious, that it was normal, that I was being dramatic when I was tearful at random times or had to force myself out of bed. Now that someone says that's not normal, we need to work on this -- ugh. Hard to accept.

Yes, I understand, Poppy. You are having to face it and accept it and that can be scary because once "the cats out of the bag" you have to deal with it.

This is normal. Many people will hide or deny things to try to prevent them from affecting them but they always do so it's better to get it out there.