Health anxiety is stopping me supporting a terminally ill friend

[cerridwen]

Hi all,
One of my friends (more an acquaintance really; I trained with her a few years ago and we kept in touch) is terminally ill with breast cancer. When I found out I just freaked out. My mum died of breast cancer in 2014 and I have been really health anxious about cancer (and breast cancer) since then.
My friends diagnosis just tipped me over the edge - was suddenly in the grip of a massive health anxiety trip. Very unwell, panic attacks, checking behaviours through the roof.......the whole works. It brought back a lot of grief about my mum's death and the fact that she ignored symptoms until it was too late to get a cure.
I am a bit better now but it's hard because I can't bring myself to phone this person or see her. I feel so guilty and so sick at the thought of her breast cancer. Just writing this post is making me anxious. Fortunately my friend has a close circle of friends and family. But I feel so guilty and so upset every time I think about her. I know she would like to see me. She is in palliative care at the moment. I don't know her prognosis, she could have weeks, months or years.
Any advice? A counsellor friend said I should regard it as exposure therapy and try and brave being in touch with her. At the moment I can't even pick up the phone without shaking.
CERRIDWEN

[Allochka]

I fully understand how you feel. My friend died of lung cancer some years ago, before I had HA. Even so it was a traumatic experience, and I still get chest x-rays every year just in case.
But, if it was traumatic for me, imagine how crazy it was for her, to know that it is heading towards the end?
You are in a difficult situation, but your friend is in even worse. Imagine how glad she will be to hear from you? My husband had kidney cancer (he is ok now), so I frequent cancer board. Many people said after diagnosis, how much they appreciated support of friends, family, even neighbours and coworkers.
I guess it could mean a lot to her, and maybe you'll live with a guilt of not contacting her in that moment.
Seeing your friend struggling with cancer doesn't mean you'll get cancer.
I can imagine hor hard it is for you, but maybe this is more about her this time?
I hope I do not sound judgemental... I'd go to her if I were you...
But whatever you decide - nobody will blame you, because HA is a terrible and powerful thing.

[Fishmanpa]

I can tell you from the other side of the fence what it's like. You find out who your friends truly are when you're diagnosed... and it goes 10X when it's a terminal situation.

When I announced it via social media, I got a lot of support and still get that with my recovery. In real life, people who I thought were close friends disappeared and people who I didn't consider close came out of the woodwork. I don't know why or what their reasons were but it was disappointing to say the least. To this day, those same people who vanished have not lifted a finger nor said a word. I've lost several friends to cancer and I was there for them in any way I could be and that was prior to my own diagnosis.

I guess some can deal and some can't. It also depends on one's personal situation and definition of friendship. It is what it is....

Positive thoughts

[Gary A]

As you say, some can deal with it and some can't. I have a friend with a very serious drug addiction right now and I'm doing my damnedest to help him. It's utterly exhausting and endlessly frustrating. I'm a bit disappointed at other friends who seem to have ducked for cover, but at the same time I just don't think they're built for it. They don't mean any harm, they just don't really have it in them to walk this road.

I guess it's the same with your situation. Some people maybe just aren't built for heart filled talks and saying the right things.

My old grandad died of a stroke in 2009. I loved him dearly, but in the last two months of his life I could not bring myself to go and visit him in the hospital. I couldn't face seeing this broken twisted version of my grandad, it was almost an "out of sight out of mind" type thing. I hated myself for it but I just couldn't do it.

I guess some things really are just too painful to watch for some people.

[Fishmanpa]

I guess some things really are just too painful to watch for some people.

Exactly, and it is what it is. We deal with our personal challenges as individuals have to live with our decisions and actions.

Positive thoughts

[Darwin73]

I went through this exact same thing a couple of years ago. One of my friends developed a cancer I had worried about. When I found out through mutual friends whom she had asked to tell me, I knew I had to pick up the phone and talk to her. I made sure I did it when I was by myself, and like you said, I was shaking. But actually, I had feared it for nothing. At the time, she was quite upbeat (we hoped it was curative) and we chatted about her surgery and treatment, but also about the things we would normally talk about like our families, what we'd been doing recently etc. We'd normally only see each other a few times a year, but in the subsequent 12 months I phoned a few times and she didn't really want to talk. Later, we (group of friends) found out it was terminal. She hadn't wanted to tell anyone. I don't think even her nearest and dearest realised. Anyway, her last 6 weeks were spent in a lovely hospice. I had the privilege of visiting a number of times and sharing some lovely moments and memories. I realised we had far more in common than I'd known before in terms of likes and dislikes, favourite times of year, anxieties and hopes. I'm so glad I was able to spend that time with her. I miss her very much. Please get in touch with your friend - you won't regret it.

[Lin71]

You don't have to 'say the right thing' or have 'heartfelt talks'. Just be there for that person. Just go see them and talk about anything.
A member of my family became terminally ill this time last year. I have to say my own HA and other anxieties went out the window. All I wanted to do was my very best for that person who I knew we were going to lose. I know family is different to 'an acquaintance' but still, that person could maybe use your support. This is about making the right choice for them as well as you :)

Think about how you will feel if this person passes and you never saw or spoke to them. Would you be OK with that? Because its not a decision you can un-make.

I know it will be really hard for you especially with the memories of your mother, i am so sorry for your loss, but personally I hope you're able to put your fears aside.

Also I think a visit in person is easier than a phone call. Phone calls can be awkward, you can't see each other or interpret the situation so well. If you visit, you can make a cup of tea, chat about things around you etc.

Lin x

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. :hugs:

I think in a situation like this you have to ask yourself what you can live with more, the panic & anxiety that you will likely experience before, during & after OR the guilt of not doing so before it is too late.

I never saw my nan before she died. I didn't have anxiety back then but I was a typical young man, busy living my own life finding out about the world. She wasn't ill, she had beaten bowel cancer years before and was in decent health. I put it off and put it off and then one day came a phone call for my mum from my cousin telling me to get find my mum because nan had died. I was gutted. I wish to this day that I had got up off my lazy arse and just gone to spend a couple of hours with her.

In time, such guilt fades to a memory. You still know in yourself what you should have done though but learn to accept that you couldn't have known.

It is a fair ask for an exposure exercise but sometimes we are faced with environmental factors in our anxiety, and we can't get away from them. We just have to make the best of a bad situation and keep pushing through until it's done.

You may even surprise yourself. It will be emotional, and it will hit you afterwards, but some part of you will likely want to become proactive and do things for your friend.

I'm sure she would really love to see you. Do you think you could be strong, for her?

[nirvanainchains]

If you’re a true friend, you would be supporting your buddies for better or for worse. I would be anxious about it if I was in your position but I would 100% be there for my friend.

[cerridwen]

Just an update...I did phone her and I did see her. I continue to see her and we hang out and do nice things, like watch a movie, eat popcorn and laugh together. Or shopping, or just chatting on the phone.
I never intended not to see her but I had to psyche myself up to it and it was really bloody hard. It has cost me greatly in terms of my own health as my HA is through the roof.
C

[Darwin73]

Well done cerridwen! You've done the right thing and you won't regret it :) I hope you and your friend continue to have many more good times together.

[LilGsMama]

You have done the right thing.. these moments will be precious.

Lots of love x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well done for supporting your friend! :yesyes::yahoo: