View Full Version : New to no more panic
Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and would welcome as many of you to comment on my situation.
I am 43 years old (divorced) and living with my 30 year old fiancé. I am generally a very placid person and having been analysed by some behavioural experts I'm told I am risk averse and someone that neither gets overly excited or overly upset by anything.... So why am I on here??
Two and a half years ago I came out of a relationship that ended quite suddenly, I was heart broken that my girlfriend simply upped and left without any prior discussion of any problems leading to her decision. Several lonely evenings later with just my kittens and a bottle of red wine, a friend invited me out to dinner with a couple of his female friends. Reluctantly I agreed to go. It was at this dinner I met Jane (not her real name), she was a great looking woman and we struck up a really easy going raport with each other. We met several times after and eventually some 7 months later moved in together.
Jane has trust and anxiety issues. She has been cheated on by boyfriends and even a former fiancée in the past. I have tried to accommodate them as much as I can, mobile phones have to be face up for example, emails and texts are readily available should she want to read them, people we associate with must not be seen to be "flirtatious" in any way as that would be disrespectful, etc etc.
In a nutshell we are due to marry next April and last night I have basically been dealt the ultimatum, either I put up with her anxieties and we get married or I don't and we don't. I love her very much and I want to marry her but I am struggling to be the bearer of her anxieties when I feel like her common answer is its not her fault it's what some one else has done.
This has become a bit of a waffling rant and my apologies for that.
As a footnote I would say she did seek counselling and made done improvement however this has stopped some time ago and the final piece of advise she was given was if people make you anxious don't associate with those people. I am a teacher of sport myself and I don't understand this, if someone came to me and said they couldnt do something, I wouldn't say don't try then, I'd find a way to help them achieve betterment not run away from it.
"Don't be around people who make you anxious" would leave you housebound and a "shut in" wouldn't it. Yeh, I'd get help from a different counsellor/therapist.
I don't think you should agree to all of her terms like that, I don't think anyone should.
I don't think you can agree to your place in a very insecure relationship. I think you should agree to work with her to create a healthy trusting relationship. I think that's the right thing to do. Even marriage/relationship counselling would be suitable for working out trust issues like that.
I've every sympathy, obviously, I'm here and have been trying to make relationships with social anxiety. I know it's not easy but the direction to agree to commit to is a healthy relationship not one where your partner checks your pockets and answers your phone. What if that doesn't convince her your trustworthy ? What will be next. You can't even be sure that those measures will lead to a healthy relationship where she trusts you.
Ask her if she wants a healthy relationship. Say you'll commit 100% to talking it all through with a neutral person for as long as it takes so she doesn't feel it's necessary to be like that. Absolutely get her talking to a neutral person who'll get her to see trying to get you to commit to a life of phone checking just isn't going to work. She shouldn't want that either.
It's a good place to start. If she's not going to want to put that effort in to change now she certainly isn't in a few years time.
Sorry to be so frank but "what slightly annoys you about your partner at the start will make you want to strangle them further down the line" really is true and in five years time you and your friends might get a bit tired of her answering your phone etc
She doesn't need to feel like that. She can absolutely get help to feel better about things.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and write your reply. We have talked about the future a lot and her feelings always present themselves as "you can't trust people". I don't think her situation is helped by her profession, she is a free lance hairdresser and spends her day being told other people's "secrets" about affairs, mistrust, lies and any other gossip people love to pour out to her. I don't think she can either see or believes it possible to have a life full of trust, where I see trust as a foundation she sees it as a weakness. It really is so hard, as I said earlier I am a sports coach, I am also a sports professional and having lived a life of striving for success to even consider walking away from her feels like a defeat. I love her greatly but I have never had a life with so many ups and downs as I have over the last two and a half years...
Catherine S
16-02-16, 17:25
Hi Morangie
I get that she doesn't want to be hurt, but from what you say it's almost like she's controlling the relationship, but the goal posts will enevitably keep moving and you'll end up walking permenantly on eggshells around her, with resentment on both sides ..not healthy. Why was she hurt so often by all the others do you know? You only have one side of it really at the end of the day. If you both love each other and want the relationship and upcoming marriage to work perhaps both of you talk to a counsellor together?
Take care
ISB x
I'm sorry you're struggling. With respect, this has disaster written all over it.
Having been in relationships (and a marriage) with someone who suffered from mental illness, it's challenging at best, unmanageable at worst. From what you describe the level of mistrust is beyond extreme and frankly it sounds like you're walking around on eggshells as to not give her any reason to mistrust you. That has be mentally exhausting and frustrating.
I will say in my case, had either women showed a genuine interest and put forth an effort in getting well, perhaps things may have turned out differently.
As ISB said, if you both truly love each other and want a future together, perhaps couples counseling would be in order.
Good luck and positive thoughts
Thanks again for the advice, it's not entirely what I had hoped for but it was what I suspected many of those that had lived or are living through a similar situation to mine might say.
Relationship counselling sounds like sound advice.
The one piece of advice that resonates with me the most is whether she wants a healthy relationship, a life of trust between the two of us and hopefully a much wider circle of people as well. I strongly doubt that she would say so much, in fact I fear she is lived in her insecure bubble for so long it has become a strange kind of comfort to her, a way of excluding anything or anyone that challenges her believes and not allowing them to have any bearing or influence on her life. I hope I am wrong and when the moment is right and the heat that is currently present in our relationship has cooled to a more manageable simmer, I am going to ask her. I guess potentially it will either open a new door or close an old one.
it's not entirely what I had hoped for but it was what I suspected many of those that had lived or are living through a similar situation to mine might say.
Both my 2nd wife and I have been on the receiving end of infidelity. I can tell you the hurt and pain is not something I would ever want to feel again and knowing that kind of pain makes it so I would never do that to another person. I've been married for 18 months and been with my wife going on 5 years. The level of trust we have for each other is the strongest I've ever felt in my life.
Trust is one of the cornerstones of any good relationship and I would question the true strength of the relationship if that weren't part of it. Yes, a frank and honest conversation concerning your relationship and future may be in order and part of that discussion would be counseling and a willingness to work on the "us" part.
Positive thoughts
Well last night we were up till the early hours of the morning having taken the bull by the horns and posed the question of where we are going and is happiness and a goal to lessen the anxiety where we are both trying to go. After a great deal of discussion, with me offering to support and be there through what I am sure will be a difficult learning procedure for her and a difficult time for both of us was the feeling that she is reluctant to want to change due to a fear of failure, it's a bit chicken and egg like, she is saying she is anxious about failing to deal with her anxiety... Not great progress, not yet anyway.
I would like to ask this, what is considered normal levels of anxiety, as a percentage of our day to day activity, is a normal person anxious so little of the time it's insignificant or is it measurable by time etc etc, I'm asking because I am curious and it would provide a good barometer to strive towards.
Thanks again for all the messages, support and advice. This is the first forum I have used and it really does feel like a relief to be able to pour out some thoughts....
That's good that you spoke at length and that's definitely progress!. It's pretty common for anxiety sufferers to have a lot of "What Ifs".
I always say the worst "What Ifs" are the chances we never took due to the fear of "What If?".
Triggers vary person to person. There's no way to relate what is a normal level of stress/anxiety for a person as it's totally an individual thing. What can turn one person into a quivering mass of jelly may not phase another in the least.
You obviously love her very much to be taking these steps to learn more about her illness and try to help. Keep at it. Perhaps contacting a therapist you can speak with to help you learn more and understand would be beneficial. Then you could hopefully bring her into the fold on the premise of helping you ;)
Positive thoughts
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