Relationship OCD.

[frazm88]

First time posting on this forum as I mainly spend my time in the general anxiety one.

I find this one to be more relevant to my current situation.

I had been dating a girl for over a month up to the weekend there, which has now unfortunately ended, I believed it was down to anxiety but it seems to appear ROCD.

I would wait hours on end for messages from her simply because she was busy with work or the gym amongst other things, I had came to terms with this over the couple of months we had been talking.

On the couple of occasion (3 I believe over the month or so) this led me to seeking reassurance that I had not screwed things up. Through either my general chat or sending multiple text messages.

Anyway, it came to Friday and she was meant to be picking me up from a gig, my mate opted to drive to the gig and therefore I let her know I wouldn't need a lift home, between this text being sent and the end of the gig my mate went walk about and I lost him, I then text her asking if it possible for her to come through. The trip would be roughly 2 hours long, and she said this was unfair and she couldn't, which was fair.

Then my uncertainty stepped up to the plate, leading me to sending two messages, one asking if she would still come on Sunday for a Valentines meal I had booked and the other asking if I had screwed things up. She had obviously fallen asleep.

I then sent a third text in the morning apologise for the above texts. Still no reply. At which point I guessed I had ruined it all.

I eventually after a further two texts grovelling , I got a reply.

I had completely spiralled into panic and uncertainty mode and once again asked if she would be coming on the Sunday.

A number of hours later I got a reply asking if we could cancel. To which I never replied out of pure embarrassment from my actions through the day.

I've not heard anything since, and I've completely ruined it. My head keeps obsessing over the thought that this is all my doing and I can't sort this.

I don't know if telling her the reason behind my actions will bring her back round or throw her completely in to the distance.

My friends have all advised me to leave it be and if she comes back then it was meant to be, if not then it wasn't, I just don't know if I can leave it at this.

thanks for anyone that has read through this and I'd appreciated any pointers.

thanks,

fraser

[Fishmanpa]

Hey Fraser,

I responded to your other thread about this with:


Just a month of dating, the circumstances, events, text contents and the cancellation is the writing on the wall. Best to lick your wounds and move on tbh. I'm sure there are other "good things" in your life.

Listen to your friends and what I advised. I wouldn't attempt any more contact as she made her wishes clear. Best to work on yourself so you're in a better place next time you meet someone.

Positive thoughts

[MyNameIsTerry]

Silence doesn't appear to be making things clear, it could mean to allow the relationship to drift into nothingness and end but perhaps she wants some space? Why not give her some space and ask?

She may have felt a bit overwhelmed. In that situation, if you had kept texting she might have felt pestered but after a few days she might have had a think and feel different.

The question is whether you care enough to bother asking or whether it's just a bit of fun and you can walk away because it wasn't worth anything more?

[frazm88]

It has been pretty much 5 days now and I've not heard anything from her.

I guess what I'm scared of is if I do reach out and receive nothing back....

[MyNameIsTerry]

If you reach out and receive nothing back, you are in the same position as you are now.

It is possible she doesn't want to continue and you can ask her why but she may not want to discuss it. This is a failing on her part as people should respect each other enough to give an answer (and at least end things in the proper way, not via a text message!) but if she is just unwilling, you will have to come to terms with it and accept that you will never know.

[frazm88]

Yeah I guess I have nothing to lose in a way.

I agree with fishman in a way that I should just leave it but the what ifs in my head believe it's worth chasing at least until I get an answer.

Ps. I don't mean chasing via multiple text messages :/

[MyNameIsTerry]

I don't mean feeling pushed into it by anxiety, I just mean the normal curiosity anyone in a relationship would have.

Look at what you said:


A number of hours later I got a reply asking if we could cancel. To which I never replied out of pure embarrassment from my actions through the day.

I've not heard anything since,

How do you know she didn't feel like she needed some space because she made an assumption you were coming on too strong at this stage (and not knowing it's anxiety driving it, how would she?) and all she has seen is her text being ignored? How do you know she isn't thinking you've decided to call it off because you are unhappy she has backed out of the meal?

It could be just miscommunication for all anyone knows. It happens. How about a different kind of non anxiety "what if"? What if this is just miscommunication and you walk away from a relationship you want over it when you could resolve it?

It's up to you, you know her, but perhaps consider all the possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions?

[frazm88]

I don't mean feeling pushed into it by anxiety, I just mean the normal curiosity anyone in a relationship would have.

Look at what you said:



How do you know she didn't feel like she needed some space because she made an assumption you were coming on too strong at this stage (and not knowing it's anxiety driving it, how would she?) and all she has seen is her text being ignored? How do you know she isn't thinking you've decided to call it off because you are unhappy she has backed out of the meal?

It could be just miscommunication for all anyone knows. It happens. How about a different kind of non anxiety "what if"? What if this is just miscommunication and you walk away from a relationship you want over it when you could resolve it?

It's up to you, you know her, but perhaps consider all the possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions?

Thanks for your help Terry, it is appreciated getting someone else's view this not only from the anxiety side of it but from another point of prospective.

I'll reach out and see how I get on, at least this way I will have closure either way.

[Phuzella]

If you do text her, just keep it light. Just asking how she is or something :)
And if you don't hear back, leave it.

[MyNameIsTerry]

If you do text her, just keep it light. Just asking how she is or something :)
And if you don't hear back, leave it.

Yep. I think not replying would be a likely sign she doesn't want to go further. Sad that she can't do the right thing though, if so.

[frazm88]

thanks Guy's I emailed her and she has got back to me saying she wasn't sure why I wasn't speaking to her....

Not sure where to go from here.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Aha!

Why would she say that if she wanted to finish with you? She would just say she didn't want anymore contact or just ignore, yet she must have got back to very quickly there given you only just said you would try?

For all you know, she could have her own insecurities that she hasn't opened up to you about and has been worrying about this. Think about it, why would she care that you weren't speaking to her if she didn't want to either remain friends or remain in a relationship?

Good luck!