View Full Version : Why can't I let go? I just cement self hatrid
I feel I let go of one destructive horrifying worry to gain another. I'm back to feeling huge resentment in myself for a past lie. I know I will get over it when something pops up but I can't deal with these negative feelings of guilt etc. people do things like this all the time but I just can't sit with it I feel sick. I just want to be the nicest person and I knew at that moment my drunken emotional state allowed a thought to become words. I can't deal with this self destruction, this helps with the feeling that catastrophe is round the corner and that I don't deserve happiness and high levels of insecurity. It's toxic.
try cutting down on what you drink?
Allow yourself to be human and flawed.
You're not a robot right ?
You're not perfect ?
So you showed you were imperfect, you made a mistake.
But at your core you're a good person.
Aren't you ?
You're a good person because
you "just want to be the nicest person"
you wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings
and you'd feel terrible if you did
it bothers you if you've hurt someone
you know what it feels like to feel crappy so you have empathy for other people
Etc etc
Keep adding to the list of why at your core you're a good person.
Not so bad after all are you.
Keep writing and accepting the reality of who you really are and be cranking your self esteem up and liking yourself more as you do it.
Welcome to being flawed, imperfect, not a robot and an occasional idiot like the rest of us.
I know that at the end of it all everyone makes mistakes and I'm no worse off, but I have this perfection expectation of myself. I need to be on top form at all times, I need to always be honest, to be there for people, to be kind, to be helpful, successful, attractive, etc. The thing is, sometimes I get crossed between all these pressures and being honest, because its not sustainable. So if I don't feel good enough I used to exert lies with my ex, nothing that would affect him, but ways of making myself appear better because I don't feel like I am enough as my honest self. I look back and feel like I was being manipulative and vile. I don't want to be like everyone else who thrives off all this false living etc and I can't cope with it but at the same time I can't cope with my own expectations because they are hugely unreachable and unreasonable. I don't see in the middle, I see black and white. If i make a mistake, I'm the worst person in the world. End of. I feel unworthy or undeserving of anything. This continues the vicious cycle that is me feeling like I need to appear better than I am. I feel manipulated by society and completely lost in others. I don't know who I am and dont know how I am supposed to find myself in a world with such negative influences. I feel if I do one thing wrong in someones eyes I can't cope, I need them to like me, I need to react passively to everything, I need to leave everyone with a great impression of me or I am failing. I feel doomed for happiness because I want to run away from my worst enemy, me.
You wanted to be liked and you lied. It was a very human thing many unhappy people would do. I and probably everybody here can relate to and understand it.
I like it, I've felt like that. I also like that you've been honest about it. We are all learning lessons all the time and that's just one of yours. You're not a bad person, that's just you learning something. Next time you might choose differently because you know it will only lead to you not liking yourself very much. And that's that, be understanding with yourself.
What you're believing people value isn't helping you. I think you need to start entertaining the idea they may like the more honest, flawed you who they can relate to. Maybe that equals being valued by others and not being perfect and everything to everyone. Be who you are and be proud of it. Let those who want that gravitate towards you and those that don't can get lost. You might find yourself surrounded by more real people and not superficial ones so will no longer feel the need to be superficial.
When you make mistakes - "I made a mistake. Good, a reminder that I'm the real flawed elik that people like. I also see my mistakes as lessons. I'm thankful for all of these lessons and the experience it gives me. These lessons make me a better person. "
Chocolateface
18-02-16, 20:29
Everyone wants to be liked and to do their best it is human nature. Accept you for who you are we all make mistakes the secret we all must learn though is to not let the little mistakes eat us up. Learn from them move on, and keep going, you are a strong kind person that can do this
Thank you for your responses. However, I worry because I will get over this concern and move on to the next like a revolving viciously negative cog. I can't let go for good. I had this same anxiety over the same thing a few months ago and its back. All this anxiety and insecurity frightens me and paralyses me to the spot because I can't live through it. I am so scared of making more mistakes and thats where I am scared of myself and the states I get in, that it makes me want to call quits on life before I do anything else I won't like. I'm point blank petrified of my future that I am completely frozen.
"However, I worry because I will get over this concern and move on to the next like a revolving viciously negative cog. I can't let go for good."
You worry.
"I had this same anxiety over the same thing a few months ago and its back"
This has worried you before.
"I am so scared of making more mistakes and thats where I am scared of myself and the states I get in, that it makes me want to call quits on life before I do anything else I won't like. I'm point blank petrified of my future that I am completely frozen."
Well you're not on the road to showing yourself more understanding and allowing yourself to learn if you'd sooner call quits on life rather than make another mistake :)
Is it making a mistake that you're scared of or the consequences of the mistake ie losing more relationships ?
If that's what it is I can completely understand that. But by learning each time and working at being more understanding with yourself and trying to like and be you in relationships a bit more you can look forward to more successful relationships. That's certainly how you should be seeing your future instead of the catastrophic future you're picturing at the moment.
You CAN see you're picturing your future like this big negative catastrophe can't you ?
It's ok to worry. It's ok to worry about the same thing again 6 months later. Remember the way forward you settled on and let it go for 6 months again.
It's ok to feel insecure and frozen AT THE MOMENT. But those levels change depending on breakthroughs and positive experiences you have.
Just start with a tiny step. Like its a big boulder but in the next 24hrs you'll take one chip out of it, over and over until further down the road it's not as overpowering and scary as it was and you just don't see things/yourself that way anymore.
For today that small chip could just be entertaining the idea that you're not frozen at the thoughts of making another mistake. Mistakes aren't inevitable and you have a great deal of control over whether you make mistakes or not. And that seeing as you're learning from your experiences all the time the chances of you making mistakes are getting smaller and smaller all the time. And that in a year you'll be prime minister.
Ok that last lines a joke. Ignore that bit.
The most frustrating thing is that I can see how anyone else would feel and my advice would be the same as yours to someone else. I'm just so stuck. It's the word I keep using at the moment. It's almost like a stubbornness to go forwards because I end up back here anyway. I have done this for over ten years. What's the point. It's miserable. I don't want to be alive to deal with my regret and shame and to make more mistakes. I feel like the idea that I have control
Over this torments me and I think Intrusively and abuse this idea until I feel sick with anxiety and self doubt that I want to die. Is horrendous but I do it like a ritual and hope that I'll make it out the other side without cocking up. I can't live
My life in this fear but don't know how to let go, don't know how to get on with myself, allow myself to b understanding of me and lower my expectations. I sEt myself apart from everyone else almost as if to fail but I just can't stop it just eats away at my insecurities
You have a funny way of writing. It can be easy to think that you're just one of these people who always has an answer to why you can't be helped and that each day it's something new. But I skimmed your old posts and was really surprised to find that instead of saying a new thing every day you're actually saying the same thing over and over.
This is you a month ago
"I ruminate in a vicious circle and cannot break this cycle. I believe the trauma caused by such thoughts keeps the fear alive, feeding the anxiety.
If I try and reduce anxious thoughts it appears that I latch on to another one as if I don't have something to worry about its not 'right'. I know it's normal to have worry but mine are such harrowing, disturbing and fearful thought processes that it further detriments my own self worth and respect because the way I think makes my self hatred soar."
I think it's a really good realisation for me because when reading your posts it can be very confusing as you're going on about psychosis and have a dramatic way of expressing your points but underneath it all I see the same thing I've always seen when talking to anxious people and the same thing I experienced which is that experience and observation of being trapped in an anxious style of thinking that doesn't really produce anything other than that same anxious style of thinking. Then you're tortured by the past evidence of who you are and you're terrified by the future you fear is in store for you based on who you are.
But it's all based on you seeing this trapped anxious you and your inability to step out and away from it.
Trying to talk to someone who's feeling like that is a challenge because it's hard to show that person there's a way out of that, a different way to see and a different way to feel when that's all you've grown to know. Like being depressed, until you DO feel and see differently you don't believe it's possible.
If you don't believe it because you haven't been experiencing it the idea that you can step outside of that and feel different and feel good can be distressing because you simply don't believe it or feel it's attainable for you.
I can completely understand what it feels like because I was the same way. For a long time I was on my own and I just played my anxieties out in my head one after the next, who that said I was, what it said my future was over and over again. Then in an effort to get better I decided it would be better to be brainwashed by self help material instead which seems logical right ?
"Teach myself to think in a healthier way". There wouldn't be a moment when I wouldn't be playing a lengthy cbt series or many other forms of audio self help on my headphones. It can install some very useful software and mind management skills in your head but at the end of the day I was still thinking about the subject of me/anxiety. I wasn't going to find a better mood or enjoyment, I wasn't going to feed any of my reward systems like feeling loved/liked, laughing, liking myself, seeing an optimistic bright future when I was still consumed with thoughts about me/anxiety etc
I put away the self help and started listening to non- anxiety related stuff like podcast conversation. I listened to people I liked and who made me laugh. I listened to subjects I enjoyed and found interesting. Looking away from "me", my perceived problems, anxiety etc my mind began having the space to recover from the constant barrage of anxiety inducing topics. The new subjects produced different moods and new outlooks. They gave me distance from the "trap".
In time I found I'd been away from thoughts related to the trap for a while, even a few hours at first, and I felt that was beneficial. I saw the importance in putting my mind outside of the trap like this for as long as I possibly could each day. When the time I spent outside of the trap became more than the time I was in the trap I recognised the danger of THINKING about the trap at all.
I had experienced refreshing new thoughts, perspectives, views about myself and much more desirable moods and saw that thoughts about the subjects related to the "trap" could steal my mood and the anxiety and thinking style that followed put me back in to the trap.
Today I live outside of it and have mechanisms in place to keep me from becoming locked back into that anxious style of thinking/trap.
I know it's hard to believe and I would be surprised if you said anything other than "yeh but..." but you need to drop feed yourself the idea that what you're experiencing is a lot more common than you think and although you find it hard to believe you can be standing happy outside where you are, you absolutely can and will.
Accept that just because you are in it at the moment and distressing yourself you can by doing new things, thinking new things, giving new perspectives a chance, allowing your attention to forget the anxious style and look at new more pleasurable things, you can step outside of this and put it behind you. You can be looking back on it in your past, FROM a different perspective.
See it like a circle and you're in it going round and round. But what you want to be doing is following a line out from the circle. But that requires NEW things, thoughts, ideas, realisations, perspectives.
I'm sorry this is so long but there's just no way for me to explain what I mean without telling the whole thing. To abbreviate it, to me, would just end up saying nothing at all that would be of any use.
I just want to try to show you what, for me, recovery and getting out of that "vicious circle" looked like.
I think without knowing which way to go, each day you're spending a huge amount of energy staying stuck exactly where you are.
If you can understand that concept of being trapped you have a chance to direct your energy in another direction that can have you moving past this.
It also doesn't matter if it's ten years or ten months. It's a habit that can be broken.
What else ?
It doesn't have to be podcasts lol. It can be anything that gets you away from these anxious traumatising subjects for longer and longer that makes you feel better !
If you feel better in the moment, you'll draw different more positive conclusions about your past and future so that will be that cycle broken too.
And lastly your medication. Quietapine or whatever it was. You sound very bothered by your thoughts. It doesn't sound like the medication you're on is achieving the desired result. I'd want distance from all of those traumatic thoughts if I'd gone to the trouble of going on meds.
Skimming your posts you seem unhappy with your temper and don't feel like it's necessarily the real you. Don't just stay on a med if it's not working. The wrong one can make people feel terrible.
Thank you Oosh, your replies are amazing. I truly thank you for your time and efforts and so much knowledge. Unfortunately I feel very stuck and rooted out of fear of a life of this. My anxiety is my anxiety. It's consuming me and it's what my life has become about and all it is causing is ranges of horrific negative emotion and I can't get away there is a stubbornness in my head that's making ne truly petrifies. I am crying as I write this feeling so trapped by my illness I feel like I have no hope and mountains to climb. The frustration I have in going forward to go backwards I feel is making me angry and I feel completely lost and blurred by sheer terror.
Superworrier
22-02-16, 21:54
elik so sorry your being tested so much I dont have words that I think would really help but I just wanted to say your post touched me and well I have a spare hug :bighug1:
Oosh your words were amazing .
(Thankyou) :)
Don't worry elik i know how traumatic it feels. But don't try too hard, maybe getting better isn't supposed to feel like climbing a mountain. Maybe it's supposed to feel like laughing and liking yourself a bit more :yesyes:
It is hugely traumatic. My intrusive thoughts cemented in my head from ten years ago are like a coping mechanism for anxiety and they are so terrifying that I feel hopeless. I feel so stuck and don't want to battle with it and feel I can't just erase this from my memory.
be strong. it is terrible when your anxiety takes over all your thoughts. I try to watch tv but my mind is racing and concentration is enveloped by my anxiety/ sadness issues. if you want to pm me that is fine if you would like to chat
But even I think rationally for a second it's the fear that I can think like that and that I don't feel control that puts me back in the exact same position and I panic because it feels so stuck it's scarred me
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