Jinaiya
18-02-16, 00:20
This is a question I've wondered for many years. I understand that no one here is a doctor, and I'm not asking for anyone to diagnose me, but I am curious if anyone else here goes through anything similar. I'd like to share my story a little, about how I got to where I am today to shed some light on why I often wonder if I have obsessive compulsive disorder even though I do not have "compulsions".
My mother has O.C.D. I remember her method of dish washing very clearly. First she'd soak them in bleach, then wash them in soapy water. Then she'd place them in boiling water, then air dry. She would have pots of boiling water on the stove. It was quite the process. If she didn't have time to do it in this way, she wouldn't do dishes at all and they'd pile up. For her it was all or nothing. She was also a frequent hand washer, and insisted I be bathed in scalding hot water. I do not remember well of her obsessions, though if diagnosed with O.C.D. she must have displayed them. She was also an alcoholic, drug abuser and very physically abusive to me when I was little.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood behaviours, though I was certainly listed as a "problem child". I know I was forlorn, withdrawn. My first obsession probably came from my first boyfriend. When he broke up with me I couldn't take it. I couldn't let it go. I was borderline stalking him (though not to his face). Mostly I walked by his friends house, or his house without trying to approach him. I was a nervous wreck. I got over it eventually, but for the longest time wouldn't look at any other guy in an interested way unless he was oriental (my first boyfriend was from Hong Kong). About a year later, I was completely over it, though break ups since then have never been much fun either.
Next came when I was 16 and had my first panic attack. I was sure my heart was failing and completely obsessed that I was dying. I imagine that would be more in the Health Anxiety category, which I'm almost certain I have, because a lot of my obsessing is about that - BUT - I do obsess over other things as well...
When I moved to the US from Canada, I began having images of being murdered in my home. Really graphic, horrific images would intrude my mind and would make me cold all over, shudder... I'd be laying in bed and picture turning around to a scary looking man ready to slice me up. I wouldn't want to close my eyes in the shower out of fear that when I'd open them, there would be someone standing there. I still go through this but not as intensely. I used to double check that all windows and doors were locked before bed, but I wouldn't feel any "relief" or anything from it as typical with O.C.D.
I suffer from mental images of harming other people. Every time I walk down the stairs with my baby, I'll picture falling with her in my arms. When I've bathed her, I'll imagine drowning her (deliberately). These thoughts cause me great distress, but again, I don't believe I do anything compulsively that matches these thoughts and images.
My biggest obsessions are the health related kind. Right now I'm pretty sure I have a brain tumour and I just cant. let. it. go. It's literally all I think about all day long and I'm unable to distract myself from the thoughts. It's really horrible. I'll work myself up in to tears convinced death is right around the corner even though I have no diagnoses yet.
Sometimes when my husband and I fight, I'll begin to think of really negative thoughts about him or things he may do that I wouldn't be okay with. I'll tell myself to "stop thinking about him, it doesn't matter", but the thoughts play on. Its like a broken record, and the thoughts are always very upsetting, but not necessarily real or true.
At the worry of turning this in to a novel, I'll try to wrap this up!
Just wondering if anyone here experiences similar or if the likelihood of me being OC is minimal because I do not do anything compulsively?
Oh! Probably the ONLY compulsive thing I CAN recall doing (other than obsessively turning to google for health symptoms) is counting. Counting blocks of time before "I'll die". Assuming I'll live to be 70, I'll then say to myself "Okay so you're 32, you can live your live over once more plus 8 years before you're dead" (or variations of that). Or, if I'll tell myself "If you see this number or phrase on the screen (or if THIS song comes on next), you don't have cancer." Weird stuff like that. I'm not sure how much stock to put in to that though because A) It doesn't "relieve me" of my obsessions B) I do not do it religiously
Thanks for any input.
My mother has O.C.D. I remember her method of dish washing very clearly. First she'd soak them in bleach, then wash them in soapy water. Then she'd place them in boiling water, then air dry. She would have pots of boiling water on the stove. It was quite the process. If she didn't have time to do it in this way, she wouldn't do dishes at all and they'd pile up. For her it was all or nothing. She was also a frequent hand washer, and insisted I be bathed in scalding hot water. I do not remember well of her obsessions, though if diagnosed with O.C.D. she must have displayed them. She was also an alcoholic, drug abuser and very physically abusive to me when I was little.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood behaviours, though I was certainly listed as a "problem child". I know I was forlorn, withdrawn. My first obsession probably came from my first boyfriend. When he broke up with me I couldn't take it. I couldn't let it go. I was borderline stalking him (though not to his face). Mostly I walked by his friends house, or his house without trying to approach him. I was a nervous wreck. I got over it eventually, but for the longest time wouldn't look at any other guy in an interested way unless he was oriental (my first boyfriend was from Hong Kong). About a year later, I was completely over it, though break ups since then have never been much fun either.
Next came when I was 16 and had my first panic attack. I was sure my heart was failing and completely obsessed that I was dying. I imagine that would be more in the Health Anxiety category, which I'm almost certain I have, because a lot of my obsessing is about that - BUT - I do obsess over other things as well...
When I moved to the US from Canada, I began having images of being murdered in my home. Really graphic, horrific images would intrude my mind and would make me cold all over, shudder... I'd be laying in bed and picture turning around to a scary looking man ready to slice me up. I wouldn't want to close my eyes in the shower out of fear that when I'd open them, there would be someone standing there. I still go through this but not as intensely. I used to double check that all windows and doors were locked before bed, but I wouldn't feel any "relief" or anything from it as typical with O.C.D.
I suffer from mental images of harming other people. Every time I walk down the stairs with my baby, I'll picture falling with her in my arms. When I've bathed her, I'll imagine drowning her (deliberately). These thoughts cause me great distress, but again, I don't believe I do anything compulsively that matches these thoughts and images.
My biggest obsessions are the health related kind. Right now I'm pretty sure I have a brain tumour and I just cant. let. it. go. It's literally all I think about all day long and I'm unable to distract myself from the thoughts. It's really horrible. I'll work myself up in to tears convinced death is right around the corner even though I have no diagnoses yet.
Sometimes when my husband and I fight, I'll begin to think of really negative thoughts about him or things he may do that I wouldn't be okay with. I'll tell myself to "stop thinking about him, it doesn't matter", but the thoughts play on. Its like a broken record, and the thoughts are always very upsetting, but not necessarily real or true.
At the worry of turning this in to a novel, I'll try to wrap this up!
Just wondering if anyone here experiences similar or if the likelihood of me being OC is minimal because I do not do anything compulsively?
Oh! Probably the ONLY compulsive thing I CAN recall doing (other than obsessively turning to google for health symptoms) is counting. Counting blocks of time before "I'll die". Assuming I'll live to be 70, I'll then say to myself "Okay so you're 32, you can live your live over once more plus 8 years before you're dead" (or variations of that). Or, if I'll tell myself "If you see this number or phrase on the screen (or if THIS song comes on next), you don't have cancer." Weird stuff like that. I'm not sure how much stock to put in to that though because A) It doesn't "relieve me" of my obsessions B) I do not do it religiously
Thanks for any input.