View Full Version : Not sure if anyone can help?
Hey All,
I was wondering if someone could help me or shed some light...
For years now whenever I get romantically involved with someone it's fine for a couple of days then once I start seeing them more & getting more feelings I start to panic & get the fight or flight feeling....I thought it was my guts way of telling me that they weren't right for me but it's happening in every single involvement im in even if they are good for me & I do really like them. It's beginning to really get me down as I want a healthy relationship & to love someone & be loved myself but it's like I won't let myself so I just don't know what to do....if anyone can help I would be most grateful.
HB xx
Could be lots of things but common themes would be things like feeling vulnerable, insecure, scared of being hurt.
I, at some of the most painfully lonely parts of my life, scared interested people off because I felt so insecure and in such a mess I was pretty sure (believed) that if I got more involved they'd not like me. Despite being in the most painfully lonely place I'd rather that than trust the mess I felt I was with that person only to get rejected. Of course it was all based on my negative opinion of myself not theirs.
At that point I'd not even entertained the idea that it could work.
It happened at least twice.
That's only one angle though. Your self esteem might be buoyant enough that you feel worthy, you just might not trust easily.
Thanks Oosh....to be honest I think it's all of the above, I've had some pretty rubbish relationships previously but I can't judge everyone the same but I'm thinking my subconscious believes differently.
I just am at a loss right now & so so fed up with this stupid feeling I get every damn time!!
HB xx
Thing is all these things are really worked out IN relationships and IN the situations that bother people. Standing back away from them just really means you stand still and get nowhere. Jump in, deal with the reality and tackle how you feel when you're doing it.
Observe what you're doing, how you're feeling, what thoughts and insecurities are running riot in your head and navigate through them.
You feel good about who you are, it's the other person who's lucky, look at all the good things you are !!! Develop a healthy mental approach to any eventually.
I only worked out my issues when I started having relationships. Just do them and get better at them DESPITE how scary it is. I know it's easier said than done.
Thank you :)
I try my best too I just think I've gotten so used to feeling this way and running that it's ingrained in my head as what I should do so every time I try to fight it it only makes me feel worse!
It's like horrible, can't really focus anxiety if that makes sense? And if I do what it wants it goes away...
HB xx
Ok...ive RAN out of a room when a girls family all came in ! (not literally ran lol but scarpered as they came in). I know exactly what it feels like to have the urge to run. (Social anxiety)
I eventually stayed and struggled with how I felt until on occasion something would happen to give me more confidence, self esteem or just make me laugh and I started to see it differently. And I think that happens when you're there.
Sometimes you can't think straight and sometimes you'll relax, see things differently and have some breakthroughs that will change you, when you're THERE. Trust that those moments will come. It won't reduce only when you flee.
Thank you for that :) it's just that sometimes this feeling makes me feel really really awful but when I'm with him i feel excited & happy but once I leave there it is again!! And then when I text him saying that I like him etc I feel great then read it later & think why did you say that, you're only going to run away & hurt him, you're lying so why say it.
See too much contradicting information lol!! I confuse even myself!!
It's like one part of my mind says one thing & another says another thing so it feels like I just can't win!
HB xx
Sounds like you're absolutely fine in the moment with him but suffer from self doubt when you're apart maybe ?
I don't know if there's a particular reason for you having that self doubt ? It could be based on experiences you've had, fears or insecurities but I think people can be affected by self doubt and it's something you maybe just have to recognise and find mechanisms to deal with, knowing that it tries to sabotage you. I don't like to pigeon hole stuff, I think it's a waste of time, but I've seen self doubt linked to ocd before.
I absolutely have to tackle attacks of self doubt frequently, but you can do it. It seems every day I experience it at the periphery of my thinking and I've just learned to sort of shush and ignore it and I know the importance of keeping my mind on track. For me it's a matter of focusing/managing my attention.
See you're noticing this and it's bothering you. You probably listen to it WAY more than you should and as a consequence give it more meaning and importance. Like anybody on this site that's a certain way to become bothered and dominated by something so it goes from something that should be fleeting and insignificant to something that has a big negative effect on your life.
For me, I hear it, but I know now it doesn't really mean anything. Its presence isn't significant in anyway. It's just like that thing I know I need to dodge and ignore on a daily basis. Because I've experienced doing this and forgetting about it I know it's only danger in reality is when I hear it and listen. That sidetracks me from whatever I've been doing/feeling and I can find myself bothered.
Thats all only a theory of course ! Posts only give you a bit of info and it's easy to read things wrong. Like I mentioned earlier there might be a reason you have that critical, doubting voice piping up all the time.
I just wonder if you're maybe prone to that bit of self doubt like lots of people here. You sound like you're great when you're "doing" but not great when you're "thinking about doing". So maybe trust what you feel like when you're doing and develop some tools to keep you from thinking too much about doing or what you did.
You say you're OK in his company. Tell him he's gonna need to give you a piggy back everywhere from now on :yahoo:
Sorry for the late reply! Not sure where the time goes lately!!
Funnily I do have OCD so you've got a good point there...it's not really bad but it's always there & sometimes can be very frustrating, I'm a perfectionist so I think always liking things to be perfect & I think a slight inkling of them not being so drives me to the thoughts & feelings I've had. Don't know how I didn't click these two together sooner!! So thank you.
We had a bit of a mare last night as he was being rather arrogant & it really annoyed me...if there's one thing I hate in men it's cockiness & arrogance!! It's alright thinking you're good looking but stop it there lol.
You were right though, the feeling didn't last all day...just most of it lol. It kind of went away after I went to my friends & was distracted by exercise :) it always seems to help!
But I have noticed I only tend to get like this the deeper feelings get when I start getting more involved if that makes sense? I've been single from about 2009 because of this & im starting to get a little lonely now :(
HB xx
"What if I'm falling for him but it's not perfect and maybe perfect is still out there so get out now", something like that maybe ?
When you're getting in deeper you're feeling more stuck and maybe you're uncertain about being trapped in something that mightn't be as perfect as it could be. They reckon the doubt comes from uncertainty.
Talking about it might just help you think about it anyway and help you notice other stuff that may help you understand.
Well I think my spidey senses were right again this time....turns out that he is a bit of an idiot.
Now to deal with the feelings of rejection yet again & to try & understand why I keep striking out, not sure I can do it any more.
HB xx
Hi Hunnibee,
I'm going through something similar just now, dealing with rejection.
As soon as anyone gets close, either I start to doubt my self importance to them and that ruins it, or I don't think it's perfect enough.
I also find myself concerned to what other people think of how the person I'm dating looks.
I hope your luck changes and stick in you'll find someone :)
Thanks :) I'm glad someone understands, I'm exactly the same as you. Like I always text people back etc & he just doesn't bother or I get something hours or days later & I think well surely I can't mean that much to you if you cannot even be bothered to respond at all but I need to realise not everyone is the same as you or me.
I just feel pretty rubbish right now as I feel worthless like I don't matter.
HB xx
yeah, I'm very similar just now.
I'm trying to put a brave face on it, but I had to delete her from Facebook and other social media for the moment just to get my head cleared.
My self esteem and confidence have hit the floor.
I wish I was as good at listening to my own advice as I was at trying to give it out.
:(
Oh no !
So it's over then ?
So you think that's what the issue was, that you sensed he wasn't all in or something ?
It can all make you expect the same outcome a bit can't it. Maybe that's the pattern you have to break, challenge the expecting it maybe ? I mean something that feels inevitable is maybe a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.
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