MetalYeti
24-02-16, 21:41
Well I nearly made it out of the house to practice tonight, so very nearly. I got further than i have done other times in that I got changed and packed up my kit, but as soon as it was time to leave and I went to grab my car keys I just froze. Again. I'm so frustrated and beating myself up, I just can't seem to get past this thing and I don't know why. I have to drive further than this to work, albeit in the opposite direction, I know i can do it as i've driven it in the daylight but there has always been someone with me. As soon as i visualise myself doing the drive in the dark on my own my whole body just goes "nope". I could just cry (well, I have!) This is really important to me, I want to be able to do this but it's been 6 months and i still can't even make it into the car to go to practice if i'm on my own. I know it doesn't help that i pile uneccesary pressure on myself cos my anxious brain believes that everytime i miss practice all my team mates will hate me and lose any respect for me. I'm pretty sure that's not true but that's what my brain has decided. Every time I fail again it just makes me wonder why i'm doing this to myself and think maybe i should quit, but i can't seem to let the sport go either as it's so much a part of my identity. When i can do it, it makes me feel stronger, but i'm not sure how much that balances out what a weak failure it's making me feel right now. Just....blurgh!