Why is it so hard?

[Rennie1989]

Hiya all

I have the internet back in my room so I now have the freedom to type what I want without people looking over my shoulder.

Since feeling panicky again (since the beginning of Janurary this year) it has really brought me down. I started of as this possitive person with ambition and lots of energy and confidence, but now I am back to what I used to be: quiet; self conscience; paranoid (well, worse then before) and generally panicky.

I have loads of bad luck recently. Since my break up with my boyfriend I have not found anybody new and I am not used to being single and not being loved, that's set me back a bit. Also I have liked many people who have turned around and said "I don't like you like that." and on one occasion I was led on, which made me depressed for a while. Also the career I want involves alot of competition and I am not a competitive person so that has upset me alot.

When I said I have changed, on Tuesday at college I was really quiet. I couldn't lighten up. Loads of people kept asking me what was up with me but I didn't want to tell them why ... I can't tell them I have panic attacks :ohmy: so with them constantly asking me I started to get annoyed. I suppose I'm not used to the attention as I never got that at secondary school. Also I got a fairly big pay check during the holidays when I worked extra time (over 70 pounds) and it didn't excite me ... which I found odd.

I'm getting annoyed with myself now. I can't be happy, I'm too scared to be happy. I am constantly feeling panicky. I'm loosing a good friend of mine because he can't understand how I feel and he makes me feel guilty because I can't see him as I have a job. It's getting to the point where I think "What's the point?", I have no future, I can't get the job I've wanted since I was 13 and I feel basically ... depressed and suicidal.

Also the most depressing thing is that my suicidal thoughts are coming back. When something goes wrong again it brings me right down where I think to myself "What shall I do?" as in what can I use to end my life. I don't want to end it, I try to think to myself that there is a future, I just jave to be patient.

Sorry for the long post, I can't tell my friends what I have said as I don't want to upset them. But I just want a little support :(

[sarah1984]

Hi Jadey and hugs,
Sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time recently. As for people who lead you on/friends who put you on guilt trips and can't make the effort to understand how you feel-well, they're not worth bothering about! It's always difficult to split up with someone, but hope you don't mind me saying, it sounds as if your bf made you feel good about yourself, but that's not the right reason to be going out with someone. Believe me, depression's a terrible thing, but it won't last for ever and I'm sure you have much to live for-it sounds as if a lot of people are concerned about you at college, so you're well-liked! I think depression has made you feel down about your job-you said you've wanted a particular career since you were 13, and if you want something so badly, the discovery that there's some competition involved wouldn't put you off completely. Don't feel you have to justify yourself to anyone and pretend to be bright and bubbly-we all go through hard times when we aren't ourselves.
Take Care,
Sarah x

[honeybee]

heya hun.. i really feel for you, i'm sure it'll be just a blip.. we all have our ups and downs.. i'm generally a really happy person and even i've been feeling really cr*p this week.. just want to cry a lot but i know it will get better.. just having a couple of bad days that's all.. we can't give in and give up... and suicide definately isn't the answer.. you will get through it hun.. big hugs to ya

[Rennie1989]

Thanks for understanding.

Sarah - it sounds like you've been through this yourself. but thanks for the message, i dont feel so alone now.

Honeybee - yeah i was walking to college today and i felt like i wanted to really cry. i was actually quite scared because all i was thinking was suicide, it wasn't on purpose though. i dont want to commit suicide because i have a loving family and i would never want to hurt them like that. i just cant stop feeling so depressed and suicidal.

[honeybee]

oh hun.. there's a great book called 'mind over mood' by Dennis Greenberger, PhD and Christine A. Padesky, PhD... it might help, i highly recommend it. x

[Rennie1989]

Thanks for the recommendation. I may be going into town tomorrow so I will have a look :read:

[Keitharcher]

Hi

Well it seems to me that you have managed to get yourself on the down spiral, no matter what you do it seems to feed your panics and depression. I know its not easy but you have got to reverse the screw thread, instead of going downward, go upwards. How to do this , hard one that. You probably have heard this a hundred times before, you have to be positive, you have to accept that life is not so bad after all and you have to accept that its not you whos to blame for anything at all, its all them others. In short, you have to re-learn to laugh and to look forward to whatever it is, it could be another chip on the plate, a movie that you want to see, a song you want to hear, the birds in the sky, the sun. Look for the little good thinggs in life pretty soon they will bebig things and you will not feeling down anymore instead you will be on the way up.. How do I know this will happen, that is the easiest question of all to answer, I was so down and in such a deep weel that i thought there wasnt enough rope in the world to pull me out of the way I was thinking. I was wrong, I took my own advice and pretty soon I was so pleased with life and everything about it, i now consider myself cured. If I can do it so can you, you will have my full support and best whises along your journey to full recovery

Keith

[Rennie1989]

Keith

Thanks for the message. I do try and be positive but I'm too scared to be happy encase something brings me back down again, it seems to happen to me alot now.

It's times like this which seems to go on forever ='(

[Keitharcher]

Jadey

You gotta take the bull by the horns, life is full of ups and downs, accept the downs with a shrug. Dont forget you are really fire proof, the only things that can hurt you are those that you let hurt you. It may sound selfish but theres only one person you need to ensure is allrigh and thats you. This illness can be treated in the same a cold can. You cannot cure a cold you can only make the symptoms easier until the cold cures itself. Make your symptoms easier, see the good in everything be ultra positive, and use the best medicine of all laughter. I know you can beat it, I am behind, the whole site is behind you, therefore see you on the other side of the door marked cured pretty soon

Keith

[Rennie1989]

I did think I was cured aaages ago but just before my break up with my ex-boyfriend I had my first panic attack in a year and I slowly went back to what I used to be ... but I'm now worse, getting depressed over nothing and very paranoid.

I'm so confused and scared about what's going on with me :ohmy:

[kate]

Jade,

I can sympathise with you so much, I've been where you are on several occasions.

From my own point of view, although I thought that suicide was the only way out, when I thought it through logically, I realised that I didn't actually want to be dead more that I didn't want to live feeling like I did. When you are so low down it feels that there is no other answer.

BUT, in my case, the feelings do always eventually pass and life doesn't look quite so bad!

Have you asked your GP about getting some counselling?

Hope things improve for you really soon.

Love Kate xx

[Rennie1989]

Kate

I just called my college counsellor to book an appointment. Although I still feel a bit down I feel slightly better knowing that I'm doing something about this.

I emailed the college on Saturday and explained why I was scared to seek help and this bloke replies

"Unlike your GP to us you are very important."

I basically said that I felt unimportant when my GP told me to get counselling which I had to pay for myself and she didn't seem to want to help me unless I was severly self harming (I was at the time, but scratching my arms) or planning to commit suicide.

I will message back and let you know what happens.