View Full Version : Is it too late?
I don't know how I'm supposed to live like this. Ten or so years of intricately wiring an unhealthy thought process and coping mechanism into my mind and I'm petrified of it and its power and whether I have the ability to let go of it seeing as it's been some sort of twisted comfort zone for me and I don't know how to be without anxiety. It's just so uncomfortable living in constant fear and doubt, regardless of what's going on beyond me in the world I am fixated by my own brain and thoughts and find it very hard to be anything but consumed by it. I know so well that this is the anxiety trick but as it's been my default mode for most of my life I have no idea how I'm meant to drop this thinking when it's been huge in my life. This is the fear. The fear that this is stuck or is going to get worse. I can't see a way out. This fear curdles my stomach and makes me want to call it quits. I see no other option. My intrusive thoughts being used as a twisted coping mechanism for any anxiety I might feel, completely traumatising me over and over again, cementing such horror in my memory and debilitating me from 'normal' living. My anxiety is my anxiety. I'm scared of myself and that I'm in control of my being even though half the time I feel a world away. It's a very scary existence. It's like I don't want to rid of the anxiety like I should be thinking about it. The more intense it gets the more fearful I get because I feel less in control of myself and I get a very manic and congested head. I feel I spend my days trying to sooth anxiety with better perceptions but I'm not living. My occupation is trying to keep myself going. I don't know who I am at all I'm just a jumble of reactions to my surroundings and my anxiety. Take that away and I couldn't tell you my character to begin with. Any shred of light I get I rush because I see it as temporary so I can never forward plan because I don't trust myself to be able to do anything on a permanent basis. I see everything as doomed and a lot of catastrophe in the future, a lot more mental struggling and battling and just don't know if I can do it and feel I'm so stuck and traumatised by my patterns that it's pretty impossible. At this point in my life in trying so hard to get better perspectives but in my bid to really crack my anxiety I feel like I'm further tightening the vicious circle. I honestly feel that because the same thoughts come back it's like a way of telling me my life is doomed and something bad is going to happen like I need to get out now. I just feel completely fuzzy headed in what I'm meant to do and my sheer fear of the thought that I'll keep coming back here throughout my life has put a dead end to my recovery. I just want my brain to be erased of all memory and to start all over again. I've somehow really got to start trusting myself so I can laugh these thoughts off, my anxiety gets so intense that I feel unsafe in control of myself and confused and completely victimised. I just don't know how I'm not going to fall into this trap now it's so regimented. I'm not suicidal as I want life to work out so much but I feel like I should exit now so that I don't have to go through this torment anymore or having to feel like everything's temporary and manic before it all crashes to this again. How on earth can I undo this?!
Chocolateface
01-03-16, 14:20
Well you have taken the first step by admitting there is a problem and you need help to sort it and you should feel proud about that. I think you need to have sessions with a counsellor to find out why you feel like this and then you can work on ways to help your thought process.
I can relate so much to what you have said in the way that anxiety takes over and the bad intrusive thoughts manifest themselves in to bigger things. I agree it is a horrible way to llive and we waste so much time on it but how do we stop. I too catastrophise events and get scared by where my brain goes sometimes with it.
I hope you find some peace and solace soon
Clare
You're overthinking - a big symptom of anxiety. We think of all aspects of our life, the worst bits and bring them all together into one unsolvable problem. Do you feel if you could just switch your thinking off, things would be ok? If so, this is good! You recognize your thoughts, just your thoughts, as being out of control, not you yourself. You've got a big spinny washing machine of thoughts going round and round all the time exhausting you, and you can't solve these problems when you are in this state. Perhaps tell yourself you can't think about these things clearly till you are better, they will have to wait till you're better before you address them. Just plod through till then...that's how I deal with my overthinking sometimes.
It's great that you can articulate your thoughts so well. Does it help to type them out or talk them through?
How on earth can I undo this?!
Reading your post history makes me feel rather helpless as these are just words on a screen and your situation seems to be complicated and a bit above what a forum could adequately address. I know you were in an in-house facility for a little while. It got you through a very critical period but it doesn't have seemed to have made a lasting impact on moving forward or how to do so effectively.
All I could suggest is to get help in the form or therapy and meds. Again, these are words on a screen and saying to think positively or the like is not really helping. As was said, you articulate your thoughts clearly so while your anxiety is clouding things, you do have the mental ability to address your thoughts and feelings.
I truly hope you find peace.
Positive thoughts
I really appreciate your responses. I know I'm not going to get help from here alone, but I have had therapy for the last ten or so years with meds. Therefore, I am panicking that I am stuck. I fully know that its my thought processes, and I was too young to realise how I was cementing them when I was younger and feel so stuck! The thing is, its me stopping my own recovery. It's like I have a fear of moving forward because it seems like I always end back here anyway, which I know is a terrible way to think and its like I'm fulfilling my anxiety further more. I just don't know how to drop such intrusive thinking when even though I know not to be scared of it, it absolutely haunts and petrifies me, disabling me from living.
Chocolateface
01-03-16, 17:53
I totally understand what you mean, for years you have thought one way and now you have to learn to think another. It will be hard and take time, can you set small goals like find one aspect you don't like your thinking on and concentrate on changing that thinking process first, then add another and so on.
Use here for support and help to help you along the way
Clare
It's honestly the most stomach churning anxiety. I seem to be trying to keep calm all day but I'm incredibly panicky. I'm so uncomfortable in my own mind and knowing that I'm in control of it and that to get better I need to keep trying to work this down and I just feel so weak
Let's not use the term "cement" anymore. There's no cementing when it comes to neural pathways.
Do the stupid basic stuff to strengthen yourself up. Stop trying to think through this for now because it leads straight to panic. Just sleep lots eat, exercise and be with nature. It's perfectly possible you can forget all this one day, this is all the result of an overactive mind coming to the worst conclusions.
Thanks again your responses are great. It's just that feeling that I've got stuck of everything being so temporary before I ruin something. I Have no routine to my life because I feel 'I don't have long left'. I just don't understand why every time these intrusive thoughts come in I pay them
Attention? I'm scared they won't go and I'll act on them or just suffer all my life. It's truly horrific.
So you feel you can't rely on your moods, they're not stable and you fear good moods will inevitably be sabotaged by the intrusive thoughts, (doubts and fears) you have ?
The thoughts are able to sabotage your mood because they have power. They have power because you fear them and believe you're at the mercy of them.
You've got some beliefs there that need changing. You're not familiar with being able to feel their arrival and feel able to let them have no impact and just drift back off and be forgotten. You don't believe its possible. You need to start believing it's possible and take away the fear/their power.
Just think of them as rubbish subjects. Topics of thought that only end up diminishing you. You recognise this so think "boooring, I want to listen to and think about thoughts that put me in a better place than those do so where can I focus my attention instead ?"
The underlying understanding that they are just one of many different thought types you can have. Where your thoughts go your mood follows so it's within your power to choose out of those different thoughts and choose which direction your mood goes.
Believe THAT, because it is true. Start the process of taking away any power the intrusive thoughts have.
There's been some excellent advice on this thread and others and all of it is sound. What I see as the real challenge is being able to actually use it. It appears to me to be "how" as opposed to "what" to do. I feel that real life support would be beneficial. Someone or several people in place to support you and help challenge the intrusive thoughts when they arise. You can know what you need to do but actually doing it effectively can be difficult on a regular basis.
An analogy could be something like weight training. You can read all about it but when you get to the gym, having a trainer to reinforce the what with the how will yield better results. Some can grasp and retain the training and others fall back into bad habits and need reinforcement in the form of more support from a trainer.
If you're finding yourself faltering, there's no shame in asking for help from a professional. I understand you've done it before but think about getting back on the wagon and doing it again.
Positive thoughts
Its bizarre, I have really understood my illness in recent months. However, now I'm trying desperately to change my ways in order to make more permanent improvements, I am incredibly anxious. I block off my intrusive thoughts and put them to nuisance but I feel intense anxiety like I am looking for something to be anxious about. I'm not used to focusing on day to day activities, I feel I need a disturbing or severe worry to focus my energy on and this is what I want to change. I need to focus my energy on my life, my progression, careers, relationships, etc but I feel absolutely petrified. I am hoping that if I try really hard, this will ease off and this unsettling paranoia feeling will disperse......
jadedreams
03-03-16, 18:04
Hi Elik, I've seen several of your threads on here and you are having a rough time. I can understand some of what you are going through, especially the feeling stuck part. I have dealt with anxiety for 10 years or so myself, but never so bad as the past 10-11 months. I made progress for several months but have felt very stuck for the past 5 months. I too have intrusive thoughts that scare me, when rationally I know they hold no truths - yet they come up and my first reaction is fear.
I think what you said is very true, that we need to focus on life, getting better, careers, relationships, etc. Think of something you want really badly, something positive and try to focus on that some each day. I know for me, getting better is my main priority and not letting this control me. I have family, friends, pets and plans for the future to think about. So when a thought comes up or anxious feelings I'm going to try my hardest to think about those things. What do you want to think about? Try very hard to start focusing on what you want, even if only a little at a time. And as Fishmanpa said, there is no shame in asking for help.. I have a therapist I am working with, so if you need to find one - then please do so.
Thank you for your response. I know, it really is the worst. I feel so wrapped up in fear and I'm trying hard to not look into it but it's there. This is why I have this feeling of doom, because I know I have the capability of these thoughts and don't know when they're next going to hit. I'm truly petrofoed.
---------- Post added at 19:50 ---------- Previous post was at 19:21 ----------
I'm so exhausted and shattered and just feel my efforts aren't going anywhere.
The thoughts are just thoughts, keep reminding yourself that. When a thought comes charged with emotion, tell it, oops, that's the incorrect response to a thought and I will think about it in a minute and see if the feeling has changed. I do this a lot. Then when I "rethink" the thought I see it as just a thought, and often meaningless. At first it appears as a threat. It's important to divorce the emotion from the thought.
The exhausted feeling requires your attention on other things in your life just imagine when your mind is consumed by outside stuff it sort of goes into a receiving mode and rests on that. Outward distraction! People! Get out there and do stuff so your mind can feel normal and you can get a better perspective.
Now I've added the fear of my anxiety being stuck and never getting out of this vicious cycle I feel like I've made it harder for me to move on as any glimmer of hope I get the punch in the stomach that I haven't eliminates my anxiety. I had a terrible anxiety/panic attack last night and I'm still suffering the effects of it this morning. I feel completely hopeless, my efforts seem to end up here anyway and I have no trust in myself to feel confident that I can let this go.
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