Really need some help with Relationship OCD

[lydiawilks]

Hi all!

I am new to this forum, but unfortunately have been suffering from Relationship OCD for about 6 months now. I've always had OCD tendencies but I guess it's manifested in this relationship now because I'm so emotionally invested in it.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, but 6 months ago I started having the most irrational thoughts about his appearance. It was like a voice was telling me over and over again that he was hideous and ugly and unattractive, and it was SO confusing because he is absolutely gorgeous. So when these initial thoughts started I basically had a nervous breakdown and couldn't eat, sleep, work, do assignments etc for a long time. I would obsessively compare his looks to other peoples', whether they be on tv, on the street, guy or girl, whatever. To relieve my anxiety I had to constantly look at photos of him to reassure myself, or subtlety ask my friends for reassurance about how good looking he was. The guilt I felt was overwhelming, and it got to the point that the compulsion to 'confess' was far too strong for me to resist. So I ended up telling him what was going on, and surprise surprise, once I'd alleviated the guilt aspect, the thoughts stopped too!

BUT. Once my brain was sick of the thoughts about his appearance, it decided to change to obsessive thoughts about me still being in love with my ex, or obsessive thoughts about killing his family, or wanting to have sex with strangers, etc etc. It was at about this time that I realised I wasn't just a bad person... Something was actually wrong, and I suspected it was OCD. Sigh!
These thoughts all triggered HUGE anxiety attacks, despite me being on medication for it.

But the worst thoughts came when my boyfriend and I went overseas together. Travelling makes me very stressed, and I suddenly started having thoughts out of nowhere that I didn't love him anymore. This triggered probably the worst anxiety I'd ever had. I felt like I was in a bubble, and like everything was an effort. The idea of not loving him anymore scared the crap out of me. But low and behold, when we came back from overseas the thoughts stopped!

Since then, my obsessions have cycled through all the above-mentioned themes, and I've been dealing okay with them thanks to Prozac, BUT I recently started having the thoughts about not loving him again (these were the ones that scared me the most!). I am fully aware that if I didn't love him I wouldn't be anxious at all, I wouldn't be biting my nails in a mad frenzy as I type this post... I probably wouldn't be posting at all! I'm just so sick of my brain lying to me. I try to tell myself HEY, you were head over heels madly in love with him last night, that doesn't just switch off for no reason...
But no matter how many times I try to mentally reassure myself, the thoughts don't stop. When I'm with him it's a lot easier to gain that clarity though. I guess I just really really want to talk to someone who has experienced this type of OCD. It is so debilitating and even though I'm getting better every day I'm still far from 'normal'.

PLEASE HELP!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi and welcome to NMP, Lydia :welcome:

You will find plenty of ROCD themed threads on here so it might be worth doing a search to see how others have struggled and what advice they were given.

I know I've seen members with confession compulsions with ROCD. I've also seen members say similar things such as fearing they no longer love their partner or finding them unattractive along with the guilt, shame & fear that brought them.

The thing about intrusive thoughts, and these so often plague forms in the Pure O category of OCD, is that they are "ego dystonic" which means the opposite of true character and beliefs. From my own research into my OCD, talking to many others, following many user stories across lots of places and reading articles by medical professionals I've learnt that intrusive thoughts target the things we most fear, the people we love or have strong bonds with or target strong moral beliefs. It makes sense really when you consider the fact these thoughts are aiming to generate as a strong a negative fear response as possible, after all what would be the point in sending us an intrusive thought about something we didn't care about - that would cause no reaction and this is the opposite of how the area of the brain works in looking for the negative response. Getting no response starves the anxiety cycle and it goes. That's one of the ways we work ourselves out of intrusive thoughts.

The comparing you do is just putting more emphasis on the fear being "valid". Notice I say "valid" and not "correct"? It is attempting to keep the cycle going, the validate the need for it's existence but that doesn't mean the subject is correct.

The more you react to these thoughts, the more they will stay. Starve the reaction by accepting thoughts are just thoughts (this doesn't mean you are agreeing with the content, only that the thought is "valid" in the sense it is a thought) or challenge it with positive/neutrals. The latter will achieve the same anyway since that area of the brain that is looking for the response only sees negative. Deny it that and the process becomes "invalid", it will fade away and new beliefs about the triggers will form that are positive or neutral, acceptance will achieve the same too.

Higher levels of stress and overall anxiety levels certainly cause OCD to intensify and become more frequent. I found this and plenty of others on here have said the same. It makes sense really.

[viking111]

Hello!
This looks like strong OCD that I suffer from from time to time. It evolves around your deepest fears and feeds on them. It is basically like normal OCD, but a bit stronger. The reason for this is that you get anxiety about the thought, but that anxiety makes you think that your problem is real and feeds on it, causing even more and more anxiety, it is like a cycle. Everytime you try to rationalise it, you realise you cannot really control it, it just can't instantly. It is just a thought created by your brain and filtered as something dangerous, that's why you get anxiety.
What you must do is just not pay attention to it and it will go away eventually. You might even have to dig deeper in it to face your fear and never get thoughts like those again.

[Girl18]

Hi Lydia,

I'm glad I found your thread. This sounds like what I've experienced before and even do sometimes still. It depends what triggers it. But even though you'll read this forum and see that your ROCD Is spot on to others, your mind doesn't care. That's how nasty OCD is.

ROCD has caused me so much pain and anxiety in the past so I know how you feel.

What helped me was to acknowledge the thoughts and agree with them. For example your mind will throw at you "I think my bf is ugly". Respond to it sarcastically agreeing with the thought like, "oh yeah definitely". You can even roll your eyes. It's tough at first but it helps.

Also Mindfulness seems to really help me when I need it. It is amazing. I think you should look into it.

[Sarahrose19]

Hello Lydia

Rocd is so so hard it literally sucks the life out of everything!

I had rocd with my ex I rember the very first day my thoughts started and I guess they never went away! (Training to be a massage therapist one day in class {oh maybe I don't love my boyfriend now ex} and that was it! ��

Now it's hit my current realtionship I cannot stop obsessions over the way he looks is he ugly why dose he act like this why dose he sometimes talk like he is a girl and much more

The worst one is me obsessing over wether or not I am still in love with my ex it's the worst �� Constantly revisiting our break up constantly thinking of all the good times "maybe I should still be with him" " what if I still love him" " I always try to get him to notice me when I see him" why do I get small butterfly's when I see him this surely means I still love him" and then I doubt and tell my self I'm not been honest I love my ex ������ I wish I could stop

I doubt everything

[lydiawilks]

It is TORTURE. Message me? I'd love to chat. X