Afraid of what we're capable of!

[char123]

Hello ,
So for a few weeks I was doing fine and able to rationalise the random distressing thoughts (like if I'm attracted to my brother).By the way I'm not diagnosed with Pure O but I feel like I have it since I go over the disturbing thoughts over and over again trying to think if they're true or not so that's why I'm posting on the anxiety page instead of the OCD forum. Anyway, this week all of my thoughts seemed come back: being attracted to my brother or toddlers and scared of harming my family. The harming thoughts are quite new to me and I found that when I was with my little sisters and they were a little annoying haha, I would have images or the thought of hurting them in some way :( of course I'd hope that I would NEVER do that but I know that I sort of have the power& capability to do it. Like, only ourselves are there to hold ourselves back from doing something- if that makes sense- so what if we lost control or what if I'm actuallyy a psycho?

As well, pretty recently I've heard that somebody I knew has committed suicide and it really hit me hard even though I didn't know them that well. This person was the last person you could think would want to- they were nice, quite quiet but kind and I think I saw a bit of myself in them. So yeah that freaked me out a lot and after hearing that I have a 'bad feeling' that one day I will kill myself. This probably sounds selfish but it has bothered me a lot. It's like I have the 'impending doom' feeling that I'm useless but the idea scares me so much and I really really do not want that to happen!! But I'm the kind of person that is scared of everything like getting a job etc.. so I sort of don't have hope in myself- dont get me wrong I have dreams and ambitions but deep down I know I can't reach them. Also, the fact that this person gave up due to depression/stress (I'm guessing) makes me feel hopeless and think that if I get or have got depression that's it. Are there any of oyu that have recovered from it?? It scares me that we can do that to ourselves aswrll like there's no one to stop you if you want to. And I feel that the fact that these harm thoughts appeared in my mind before I found out about the person is a sign or something that at some point I will kill myself but I'm probs just being paranoid. Ugh, I hate this.

Wow this got long so I'll stop now :) thanks for reading, I'D really appreciate replies and to hear your advice and stuff. P.s I'm a 17 year old girl

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi char123,

My dad had depression for 2 years. He had meds for it but this was over 40 years ago so the meds were the older style ones. He worked his way through it over those 2 years and he has never relapsed. He's in his mid seventies now and as a father of 3 he has gone through his fair share of ups & downs, illnesses, losing loved ones, etc all the stuff that we worry could affect us BUT he has never relapsed. So, people do recover from depression and do not resort to the tragic action someone you knew took - which I'm sorry to hear.

Everything you have ever said about your intrusive thoughts has always made me think OCD in the months I have seen you posting. I've had the harm based ones myself, some sexual stuff, thoughts about going insane, etc. Coincidence is a well known issue in OCD and anxiety disorders in general. Just look at the many HA threads about what people go through and look at TomT and gatsby12's threads on the OCD board as they have issues with coincidence in their OCD.

People with OCD don't "go psycho". I've never heard about a case of a violent person committing acts because of OCD or even a connection with OCD. People who commit such terrible acts have far deeper-seated problems, many of which were in their early development. They don't think the same way we do, they regard a violent thought as just a normal thought to them - BUT don't confuse this with how we try to accept our thoughts as merely thoughts to breakaway from anxiety, they revel in these thoughts and have disturbing behaviours, we don't do any of that and do quite the opposite.

I had some horrific murderous thoughts. I'm not a psycho. They have gone now. I've known violent people, they would laugh when they did it or enjoy it or likely brag about doing it. To them it's a good thing. They only show remorse when they need a lighter sentence when they have been caught AND they certainly don't spend all this time hating themselves and worrying.

What you mention about having dreams but believe you can't reach them just sounds like you need help to work on your self confidence, self worth, self esteem, etc. Mental health issues like anxiety or depression really hammer these and knock us down. We don't view ourselves the way we should or even the way others view us, we are very self critical. You can escape this and get those dreams in real life and the key to that is tackling these underlying areas you struggle in and recovering from your anxiety.