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lilac kitten
25-09-04, 22:26
Hope this isn't too long, but here goes....

All my life I've been picked on, but I've always been quite strong and answered back in an adult fashion, however, todays 'pick pick' has topped the lot.

I'm adopted and have been all my life. I am in touch with my birth mother and although we are not 'mother and daughter' things are OK.

Story ... My son is six and friendly with an adopted family. We live doors apart. I spoke to the parents recently about their childrens adoption and they said we'll talk another time - walls have ears!! I accepted this - but they had still heard my story. I knew my situation wasn't the same as theirs and accepted this - in fact I thought no more of it.

Today one of the children confided in me, saying 'I'm adopted'. I responded with 'Oh right' Then she said she'd been bullied because of it - I responsded with 'you should really be telling your mum and dad'. She said she had. Then she started talking about her past life - not too much, but I responded with 'you are special to the parents you have now and they love you very much. That was all the conversation we had. However, I went to drop some things off the kids have left behind. The father, instead of being polite, came at me very intimidatingly saying how I'd 'bloody annoyed him' by telling his kid that I'd met my birthmother and how life as an adoptee only got better and that she should seek out her family. He basically went into one. I wouldn't mind but I said nothing of the sort - in fact I told him only his wife knew the full story about me - not his kids and explained the whole conversation.

He wouldn't let me speak and just talked down to me like I was a 10 year old or someone who had harmed his kids. I thought he was going to tell me off for giving them grapes inbetween meals!!

I then spoke to a neighbour, who suggested I phone and ask to meet him and his wife to sort this out once and for all, however, he said the matter was over and done with, he believed 'my version of events' and that was the matter over with goodbye.

Its hard enough for me suffering from panic attacks and depression, plus social phobia. I have to log everything even going to Tesco. I keep crying because I feel I have done something so wrong - yet I havn't. In my opinion he should have asked for a chat and we talk like adults, but he treated me like a 10 year old telling me off. And god knows what his wife is thinking of me. Seriously though I did not mention anything about my past to this child.

Just after dark I saw a figure bobbing around at my front door. I went and had a look and his child was standing there apologising for getting me in to trouble. I just smiled and said 'foget it - over and done with lets not mention anything to do with the subject again' The child said she had questions - I said ask your mum and dad.

I'm so upset, because I never said what I'm accused of and I certainly wouldn't intentionally hurt anybody or stand on their toes - yet this man treated me like a criminal. I know the situation is very very sensitive.

This is just one reason I trust no one and feel isolated and that everyone hates me - people see me, see I'm petite and think they can pick pick pick and speak to me like a little kid - I'm 37.

I handled the situation well, but it just makes me think, if I get this over adoption, what if a child was to make other false accusations. Bear in mind this child is 11 and I said no to her watching my sons spiderman video which is a 12 rated because I wasn't sure if parents would approve. I'm not a bad person. These do gooders are nothing but bullies and are threated by the real nice 'chilled out' people like me - well I need to big myself up right now!!

Thanks for listening, but as a person with panic attacks, etc., I don't need to be spoken to like a piece of poo. I've even been careful in wording this post - you never know do you ....

Lilac
x

Meg
25-09-04, 23:17
Hi Lilac ,

You right . You did handle it extremely well .

The Dad certainly hasn't come to terms with their situation at all which is why he resorted to agressiveness, he didn't know how to handle it at all.

**In my opinion he should have asked for a chat and we talk like adults**
Agreed, but we cannot assume or expect everyone lto live to the same standards of politeness and courtesy that we do ..

Do you think any of this might have been fuelled by childrens chatter ?










Meg

It is impossible to get out of a problem by using the same kind of thinking that it took to get into it.
- Albert Einstein.

sal
26-09-04, 01:06
Just a short reply as trying to get Sam back to sleep.

Totally understand where you are coming from and what you are saying.

Will reply but would like to do it when i get Sam settled.

Can understand how you feel as i was adopted myself.

Will be in touch tomorrow.



Love Sal xxxxx

minny
26-09-04, 09:55
I think youve handled this situation brilliantly and yes its a shame that other people dont take the same approach. My dad was in a sort of similar situation, by that I mean a situation that required delicate handling! He and his brothers and sisters were all adopted by my nan and grandad. Everyone admired my grandparents for keeping the family together. As my dad grew, his curiosity about his natural mother grew. He confided in a friend who suggested like you that he speak to his mum and dad. He did and although his mum handled the situation well, his dad became verbally agressive and intimidating. It scared my dad a bit but his dads reaction was enough to lay the subject to rest.
A few years down the line however, the subject was brought up again by my dads girlfiend (now and still his wife). My grandads reaction was the same. To cut a long story short, my grandads feelings were questioned and he eventually admitted that he feared losing his adopted kids if they traced their mother!! After a lot of digging for information on my grandads behalf he was finally reassured that this is a very natural but obviously a gut wrenching fear that a lot of parents who adopt children feel. Nowadays though there are unlimited amounts of support groups available to both parents who adopt and the children and familys too! I assume your neighbour has access to these but its amazing how many people dont!

Im in the process of tracing my dads natural family as he has terminal cancer and its rapidly progressing. He hasnt much longer to live so I hope I strike it lucky. Family and friends reactions to this have all been different. Some have been supportive and others quite hostile!
Every opinion and reaction is individual.

You deserve a "big up" to you Lilac! You come across as a very loving thoughtful person and you did nothing wrong!

Hope things run smoothly for you!

Minny..x

seh1980
26-09-04, 12:14
hi there Lilac,

I think you did exactly the right thing!! I don't see how you could have been more careful with what you said. The father had no right to speak to you like that and it is obviously him who has issues of some kind. It's so wrong that it is now YOU who is feeling guilty as you have no real reason to. You are right that there are always these enraged people who want to have a go at others with no real argument. You know that you did nothing wrong so don't worry about it mate...

Sarah :D

sal
26-09-04, 14:34
Hi Lilac

You handled the situation very well and he had no right to talk to you like that. Its unfortunate the child has gone back and lied about what you said, but may deep down its the only way of getting across to her parents. She obviously wants to talk about it but it sounds like they have swept it under the carpet and it is a taboo subject now.

It must be hard for the child wanting to talk and wanting some answers and maybe by her age now she is getting curious about her birth parents and felt the only way she could broach the sujbect was using you as the scape goat. I dont she thought at all about the consequences it would cause you.

You know yourself that when you are adopted you always wonder about your birth parents, are you like then, have they got other children now, the reason why they gave you up.

You handled it rightly and if he wasnt prepared to listen then that is his problem. He says it is all forgotten now, which as adults we can but there are children involved who want answers but yet again it seems they have been told to forget it, which you know yourself we just cant do.

I feel really sorry for the children and it seems they will not be able to make any form of trying to contact their birth parents until they are old enought to do it without their parents consent which is really sad.

I can also see their parents been insecure as it must be hard when a child wants to see where their roots are from, but it in no way excuses them for how they have treated you.



Love Sal xxxxx

nomorepanic
26-09-04, 15:02
Lilac

Hope you feel a bit better today and we cheered you up a bit in chat last night.

It is a difficult situation that you are in and let's hope that it blows over now and no-one else accuses you of putting thoughts into the childs mind.

You did nothing wrong and you must remind yourself of that ok?

Nicola

nomorepanic
26-09-04, 15:04
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Im in the process of tracing my dads natural family as he has terminal cancer and its rapidly progressing. He hasnt much longer to live so I hope I strike it lucky. Family and friends reactions to this have all been different. Some have been supportive and others quite hostile!
Every opinion and reaction is individual.
<div align="right">Originally posted by minny - 26 September 2004 : 09:55:22</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Minny - so sorry to hear about your dad. How are you tracing the family - have you heard of Genes Re-united ?

Nicola

minny
26-09-04, 15:14
Hi again!

It would be so nice if everyone thought along the same lines as the people in here but unfortunately, life isnt like that. Ive been a registered childminder for 9 years and a youth worker too. I was also a classroom assistant for 5 years and Im now a foster carer. Its sad but I hear experiences like yours all the time. Some of the children who've been put ito my care have stories that will tug at the toughest of heart strings and its times like these you wish you had the illusive magic wand. Adoption can be a wonderful thing but it also has its issues. Communication is the key and your neighbour could do well to take a leaf out of your book! :)

Love Minny..xx

minny
26-09-04, 15:23
Ooooops! Missed your post there Nicola!

Ive had no luck tracing my dads family so far and much of it is to do with the family being divided on the issue! I personally feel that my dad has a right to search. The main reason he wants to search is for health and genetic reasons. We have no history of family illness or congenital problems. Ive lost 6 members of my family in 18 months all to cancer and 2 members died aged 35. My dad is only 56. He feels its important to search for his natural family for the medical history alone although he has his personal reasons too of course. I have tried Genes re-united and Im signed up so fingers crossed!

I will let you know if I have any luck and thankyou for your interest and support! :)

Love Minny..xx

nomorepanic
26-09-04, 15:41
Hi Minny - I think I was posting the same time as you before.

Sorry about all the deaths - that is a lot to cope with in such a short space of time and cancer is such a horrid way to die. We watched Alex's (my partner) dad die of it and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Must have been so terrible to see it over and over again.

Good luck on the hunting ok?

Nicola

Meg
26-09-04, 16:33
Many cancers that are deemed untreatable in terms of recovery have made huge strides in managing the illness pallitively so that having cancer leading to death is no longer a long or painful process.

Pan clinics and hospices and Mcmillan nurses have made such a difference and the sooner they are involved, the better for the patient and the family.






Meg

It is impossible to get out of a problem by using the same kind of thinking that it took to get into it.
- Albert Einstein.

nomorepanic
26-09-04, 16:41
Meg

I agree wholeheartedly. Alex's dad was in a hospice and it was a lovely place, very peaceful and they offered the visitors everything they could want, including free food. There were cooking facilities, dishwashers, washing machines etc and I used to use the facilities there to cook Alex's dad a home-cooked meal.

They do such a fantastic job of making people as comfortable as they can.

Nicola

nomorepanic
26-09-04, 16:46
Lilac

Sorry we took over your post a bit there.

How are things today? [^]

Nicola

lilac kitten
27-09-04, 16:16
Guys,

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Minny - I am so sorry to read about your Dad. I lost mine suddenly earlier this year to an anurarism (sp?). You could try contacting NORCAP - they have a web site. They helped me and they were brilliant.

I think the reason this man is being protective is because the kids come from a bad background and will never see their birthfamily again. I accept that - infact I thought their parents were dead so would never have suggested tracing them. Trouble is he knows my background and is probably wary that I will talk about it to them and encourage them to want to go back - which is totally not the case. I accept their situation. However they will still have questions. This girl said she was bullied for being adopted and that she hated that - I just reassured her she and the parents she has now are special and that she should talk to her parents about it. How can that be so wrong.

I just hate the way that people never talk to me as an equal, as an adult. People who know me well say others are afraid of me because I hold a good conversation and know a lot about nothing - if you know what I mean. I've been through a lot in life, I'm a caring person and so want to be everybodies friend - but I guess sometimes I try too hard and people see cracks in my confidence and strike thinking I'm hard enough to take it - but truth is I'm a bit softy who just wants to be liked.

I don't really get to network like the other parents do because I work full time. They are all in high paid jobs with loads of money, and although my partner and I both work, we don't ever have much spare cash after paying for childcare.

I am approachable, and I think other peoples parents have issues with that. One young lad told him mum he wished she could be more like me because I took him and my sons to the park and joined in playing football and let them have an icecream. She told me what he'd said and said she wasn't happy as she felt I was better than her. But she was honest with me and we discussed it. I think the other parents maybe feel the same - it has been commented on that we always are doing things with our children like playing basket ball, riding bikes and fun things. The other parents just seem to spend time cutting grass, decorating and cleaning their cars at weekends. We still do all that, but its important to find time I think to have fun.

Sorry I've gone on enough, but thanks again for cheering me up. Nic, thats the first time I ever did a chat room ever - it was good fun thanks.

Also, if anyone wants to talk about adoption and feelings please feel free to mail me, I'm not a qualified counceller, but sometimes like with panic and anxiety it just helps to talk to others.

See ya,
Ruth

minny
27-09-04, 16:31
Hey Lilac!

Thanks for your concern about my dad and its good to see you sounding positive. You sound like a great mum too! Infact, if you ever get fed up of the job you're in... come and work with me! :D I get paid for playing with play-doh and finger painting! lol!

Stay strong and positive! :)

Minny..xx

Ps... thanks for the NORCAP tip! Ill take a look!

Caz Fab Pants
28-09-04, 21:22
Lilac,

Not sure where you live or which school your children attend but it doesn't sound like the parents are a very welcoming bunch!!!? You sound like a very dedicated mother who has fallen victim to a common case of envy from what you've said. Dont let them make you feel bad, hold your head up with the knowledge that you are actively raising happy, healthy children.

Try not to let this situation with your neighbours get to you anymore than it has already. It probably wont be easy as they live so close but with a bit of luck it will blow over in time.

Minny - Sorry to hear about all the upset and loss you and your family have had to endure recently. Hope you stike it lucky for your dad's sake. Let us know how it goes.

Caroline :)
x