Panic wins

[wantpeace]

I missed my sons birthday day out today. :weep: Long story short, I started an SSRI recently and I'm feeling more 10 times more anxious and panicky than before I started them.

For the past 10 days, I've been in bed most mornings hiding from the anxiety. I've sarted feeling agoraphobic, scared to leave the flat. When it came time to go to the zoo this morning, so much panic went through me, I found it impossible to get out of bed.

I had already discussed with my wife that it was unlikely I would go, given how I've been, but it hurts a lot. When she left, she said, "You'll regret not going", and I do, but the panic was so full on, I know I couldn't have done it without my kids seeing me in a crumbling mess. They're young and I don't want that. They both asked me if I was coming to the zoo before they left, which was heart wrenching. My wife has sent me a nice text since, but it hurts to have missed out.

I've been prescribed lots of quick fix things by my psychiatrist which temporarily ease the burden from the anxiety but I feel I'm just spending each moment of my life waiting for that next fix.

[Xtrastrongbint]

Honestly, you need to cut yourself a break. Having anxiety and then starting ADs is super hard! I know it's sad that you couldn't go to the zoo but I promise there will be plenty of good times to make up for it. You are still in the side effects window so you will feel bad for a while. Try and think of it as if you had a broken leg..you wouldn't be able to do the stuff you want to do. Honestly, be patient and kind to yourself:hugs:

[debs71]

Starting meds is very difficult. When I started my SSRI (Escitalopram) in 2003, I was at my absolute worst, as starting meds INCREASES our anxiety/panic/depression symptoms, so I can totally relate to how you feel, as I am sure many others can. Like you, I was agoraphobic for a good few weeks and didn't want to leave my bedroom or be alone in the house with my racing thoughts. It was awful.

Hang in there! Try if you can to see this as the eye of the storm.....just a bridge that you have to get over to reach the point of feeling way better, and you will I can assure you. It took me around 3-4 weeks to really see a good improvement in the way I was feeling, but everyone is different.

I agree with Xstrastrongbint - You must not be so hard on yourself and definitely don't lay guilt on yourself. You are unwell, the same as someone who is suffering a physical issue, and it annoys me when people don't understand that. You need not apologise for needing time and space or feeling not up to doing things, even to family or friends, and they should be a little tolerant of that IMO!

Those things can be achieved in time, but take it day by day for now. :hugs:

[shiznit76]

All i can do is agree with the other posts, hang in there and don't beat yourself up, things always seem worse when starting AD's, i always have a horrid time when started new ones. Look forward to them kicking in and getting some sort of relief

[wantpeace]

You guys are great. Thx for your support. Funnily enough a friend of mine sent me a text a short while ago telling me not to beat myself up. He didn't even know what happened today.

Unfortunately, whilst mental illness is recognised much more than it used to be, it can be very difficult for those who have never suffered it to quantify it. Most people can relate to a physical illness because we've all been physically ill at some point.

[shiznit76]

how was your wife about you not going?

[wantpeace]

To be fair to her, pretty good. It's been an exhausting day for her, so she's been a bit curt now and again, but she's doing her best to not make me feel guilty. She tries to understand, but her family have never faced mental illness before. Mental illness is rife throughout both sides of my family, which kind of scares me now and again.

[LittleMissAlone]

Hi

This is very similar to something I've just posted. My problem is my parents though! Dad has just spoken to me as if I'm a child, in my 40s! It doesn't run in my family so they don't get it. Understandable worry though, as no physical illness they can relate to. I've read your responses and they've helped me. So what if I need time to get better? That is my prerogative. I'm 2.5 weeks in on a ad, so early days for me too.

Really hope things have improved for you already. Xxx

[DevilsAngel]

Your child will have a birthday again next year. At this moment in time, youre doing all you can to make life in the future much better for yourself your wife and your children, as easy as it is to say dont feel guilty, its never that simple is it. But once medication kicks in, youll find yourself being able to do little things more and more and lead up to having a big day out.

Your wife and children love you, give yourself time, and try have some patience with yourself. :hugs:

[Chocolateface]

Don't beat yourself up about it, you were not feeling well, no-one would expect you to go out if you had flu or a migraine so you shouldn't go with anxiety if the event would make you worse. Kids remember birthdays as they are unique days however they also remember playing cricket in a park, or a family walk in the rain (don't ask on this one sore point for my now 10 year old from a walk 6 yrs ago we still laugh about it though). When you are up to it do something spontaneous with them and it will create more memories for them.

[wantpeace]

Thx guys. You're all helping a great deal about how I feel. As you know, it's so hard when you're right in the middle of it. I've never had agoraphobia in my life except when starting SSRI's. I love the outdoors. I'm just glad I managed to get my wife cards from the children and chocolates for today. Even though I can't take her out, I've told her what I would have done if I was well. She appreciated that, and said there will be plenty of times in the future to do those things. Sometimes I think I'm never going to get better though.... but that's another story.

[evak2979]

I do not think we can ever shake off our anxious thoughts. I am having a truck of them right now due to starting my new role tomorrow.
However what we can do is redefine how we react to the worry. Instead of fighting it try to accept it. Let it flow through you, hard as it may be. If your tummy aches from stress prod your stress to hurt it more.
Don't challenge it fight it or try to push it away.
Live with it like a 6 year old who is always afraid of the bogeyman in the closet. Don't patronise it question it or hope it will one day GP to college and leave you at peace.
Instead say somethibg like : whatever. I couldn't take my wife out today. I will take her out another day. And if not I might as well cook her dinner every day. If anything it will teach me how t cook better.
Don't fight it. Joke with it, hug it, accept it. Don't fear it - nothing bad will happen from the original fear. It is just a dark cloud in the sky. And there will be more. And then sunshine. And then more. But joke with it like we do when we plan out a day and then it starts pouring down the moment we step outside.. I alwaysaugh and go :figures. but the rain stops and then there is sun and then more rain. It's not about making sure it never rains again.
It is about learning to dance in the rain. Or sometimes carry an Umbrella but still welcome it. And most surely do not blame yourself for it. Like rain your anxiety is not a conscious choice. You are learning how to work with it. But don't fight it. Has rain ever stopped because you wished it to go away?
Embrace that anxious thought and say oh well, Hello, once again. It's been... 4 minutes since you filled my head with nonsense. What have you been up to on the meanwhile? Come on tell me a bit more.
But while you do don't mind me. I'll be cooking for my wife . My attention will be divided between you and it.
Oh you're going away? Cool. See you in 5!
Not sure if that approach helps, but it's worth a try :) it does help me a lot.

P. S. - the tummy trick works. Saved me full trips to the loo today. When my belly ached I tried and went :great stress thanks! Can you also make my arms and legs ache because they feel a bit neglected. It didn't :( it even Made my belly ache stop. I swear. Like a 6 year old. Always doing the opposite of what you tell it to ;)