View Full Version : Exhausted...just wanna be okay.
Savvy_Darling
09-03-16, 23:08
Ugh, as I'm writing this I don't feel too good. It's like a mild nauseating feeling. I'm home alone and I get worried and needed to talk to someone. Whenever I'm feeling really anxious I hate being alone because if something happened to me no one would know.. Which freaks me out. Plus when I'm alone my mind seems louder with worry.
I posted a couple weeks ago about being worried about a lymph node.. That's what I believe it is anyways. Haven't gone to the doctors yet about it because that in itself is a chore. I hate being so scared of the doctors.. I get myself worked up about all the bad things they could tell me and at that point I don't even wanna go because is rather be ignorant to what it could be. I don't think I could handle actual bad news very well so like I said ignorance is bliss.. But then I'm stuck wondering.. My past worries have gone away but this lymph node on the back side of my neck hasn't.. Doesn't seem to be any bigger and sometimes I feel like it's shrinking and other times it feels the same. Whatever it is, it's the size of a pea I guess and moveable and I can push my finger down on it. Not a visible bump but something felt under my skin. I'm sure my poking isn't helping the matter either.
I had a slight dull ache in my ear and then it turned into mucus in my throat and hoarseness and dry mouth.. Difficulty swallowing. Sneezing more often. That was last week and as of now the throat feels fine again and basically no mucus but I'm getting the dull ache in the ear again. My boyfriend was also experiencing the same throat issue which made me feel better and that it could have been some bug going around. His younger sisters seem to have some type of congestion going on too. But beside the earache, this random off and on nausea feeling has been happening since I guess Sunday. It's not constant and it's not intense I just feel weird and like I'm car sick almost... I also feel like I have a lot of nervous energy in my stomach like the butterflies feeling. I just lay down and it helps some but I get up and it's a little worse. I don't think it's a pregnancy thing because I just had a regular period not even a week ago. And when I had sex after I used protection and was careful as always... (Better not be pregnant). My boyfriend said he has been having an upset stomach and his sisters apparently had something too but I worry he just tells me this so I relax.
I just honestly feel exhausted from thinking I'm dying from cancer not diagnosed yet. That fear was made worse when I went to see the movie Deadpool. In the movie he had fainted all of a sudden and when he went to hospital was diagnosed with a late stage spread cancer.. (Other than that part it was a great movie). I guess rationally I could think the positive side and that's that my possible lymph node got big because of a cold type thing coming on and it just hasn't gone down yet.. That's what I'd love to believe and when I force myself to the doctors that's what they will tell me but I've also been down the wonder anxiety lit path of lymphoma or neck cancer or some type of cancer spreading in my body and to my brain. Isn't that lovely right? I'll have my good moments of confidence of I'm making my appointment and I'm fine it's just some type of bug going around.. To the bad moments of I'm dying slowly.. Going to the doctors is the final nail in the coffin.. Enjoy what's left of your life. Like night & day..
My ear is feeling achey again right now so here I go again worried.
I haven't been on google so I guess that's a pat on the back for me.. I refuse too.. It'll only fill my head with more worse things and I can't emotionally handle it.
I hate being a procrastinator.. And an health anxious wreck.. I need to make an apt that's the only thing that can truly help me but I'm scared to find out what's wrong... :weep:
My cats are so sweet to me though, I get upset and start sniffling my black one come over and head butts me. He knows I'm upset.
I'd appreciate kindness and positive sentiments but if no one replies at least I got it all out. Thanks for reading , I know I write a lot, it just feels a little good to write out what I'm feeling.. And when it's to an audience that can actually relate to you. (not non anxious people who kinda blow you off & say ur fine or stop worrying) it's even better feeling.
glassgirlw
10-03-16, 02:12
Hey there....didn't want to read and not comment. I can say you're not alone....the queasiness can definitely be anxiety related and it sounds like you may be anxious about several different symptoms. So probably operating at a higher level of anxiety than normal maybe? Happens to me too. I think I get hyperaware of every twinge and then it just snowballs. I don't do doctors either so I feel for you there. Have you tried distractions? Anything to put your mind on something else? I like to do craft type things so sometimes I will do that....love to read so if I can concentrate and focus I will do that...or sometimes just a hot relaxing bath helps me. I'm sorry you're struggling. I know it's frustrating!!
Savvy_Darling
10-03-16, 04:43
Glassgirl,
I appreciate the reply :)
Nice to meet someone whose Doctor phobic like myself... I really hate too...
I've seen so many people on here that get tests on tests done and I'm just like how?! Just thinking about going to the doctor and telling them what I'm worried about gives me a whole seperate anxiety attack from the anxiety from my symptoms.
Yes I love a hot bath.. It's the only time o can kinda relax. Or I watch tv until a commercial about cancer comes on and it makes me freak out. :scared15:
Ugh, I do feel like I'm very hypersensitive right now.. I can just feel the nervousness bubbling within me. Like I'm made of butterflies lol.
I can't stop feeling the lymph node which makes everything worse and this nausea feeling gets worse when I start worrying about it then I just feel plain weird and that makes me even more crazy :wacko:
I almost feel like in order for me to go to the doctors someone has to literally make the apt for me and drag me in the car and take me because I just can't willingly pick up the phone and call and make an apt. I like being ignorant but at the same time it's also bad for my anxious mind because I constantly think "well what if it's.." :(
I'm glad I'm not alone , feels good to know that because everyone I live with are 'normal' .
If there was a legitimate cure for cancer I guarantee you I wouldn't be so horribly health anxious... It's a huge fear to me.
---------- Post added at 23:43 ---------- Previous post was at 21:25 ----------
Feeling helpless... Just keep getting these terrible thoughts that my nauseous weird feeling is brain cancer or something to do with cancer that has spread or something serious like that. I just feel weird and feeling weird is making me worry even more more so I don't know whats just anxiety and what's something bad or even some brain infection or God only knows.. May seem crazy to anyone else but I'm really worried :( my head kinda hurts and I just feel in complete fear right now. All these bad thoughts and fears are over powering and rational reasoning. Maybe it's really something bad this time .. ;( praying its nothing and im okay.
I totally identify with the doctor/test phobia. I don't understand sufferers who reassure themselves with test after test after test, I mean I do understand it, it's HA!! .. But it's just total opposite to how I deal with it myself. I like to bury my head and wait for it to go away. Just the thought of a dr AGREEING with my fears and suggesting I get tested is terrifying. I guess it's because what we need and crave is reassurance, but if a DOCTOR can see where we are comming from with out fears it's just compounding........... And then of course there is the life stopping wait for results.
And I identify with the 'what if it isn't health anxiety this time' .... I think that is just an unavoidable part of the illness :-( 'the nature of the beast' as they say.
Other than that I can just tell uni have had most of your symptoms myself, and in this case yours sounds like a virus, which will bring up your nodes.
go see the dr! Or hang out a few more days and see how it goes. Either way, sounds like a virus to me.
You aren't on your own, my HA sounds really rather similar to yours.
Skkyee xx
Lifelonganxiety!
10-03-16, 17:03
Hey there, I've been through a lot of the same feelings you are - all of them in fact!
Never feel alone with these feelings. If there's nobody near you to talk to, then come to this website. There's always someone online and in the chat room willing to talk.
As for what you're feeling, yes I have nodes that are enlarged, quite a few in fact. I would never have known it I didn't have HA and went looking for them. It's perfectly normal, particularly the way you say they are presenting.
As for nausea and head feelings. That's a big anxiety issue, most of us suffer with that at some point. You just have to tell yourself it's anxiety and take deep breaths, it should calm down eventually if and when you realize that.
Savvy_Darling
10-03-16, 18:43
Ugh, I was talking to my boyfriends step dad about doctors appointments and the whole lymph node thing was brought up and he was like I'm not even going to lie if it's a lymph node that's bad" "my mother died of a lymph node turned cancerous"
SOO.. My stomach basically dropped and I feel really sick to my stomach. Now I'm really scared I'm right about cancer this time. I could throw up. I got back from an eye exam which went well & I got some confidence to finally make a docs apt but now I'm sick with fear. Trying not to cry but I'm seriously scared guys.
Lifelonganxiety!
10-03-16, 18:54
You have to make a choice of listening to one story, or the hundreds of people on here that have enlarged lymph nodes all the time, or the thousands and millions of people in the world who have enlarged lymph nodes every day as their system fights off a virus or whatever, or who just have larger nodes.
I have one in my neck that's been up for 20 years.
Keep an eye on it for sure, but don't go to the worst case when there's no need to.
Don't cry :(. I think I have did enough crying for both of us the past two months. I'm worried about my appointment next week too and every one around me tells me it will be fine. When I went to the ER the doctor acted like I didn't even need to follow up unless I wanted more pills.
Bless you SavvyD.. hoped you were feeling a bit better too, sending you a big hug :bighug1:
Savvy_Darling
10-03-16, 19:32
Lifelonganxiety, you're right.. I can't let the bad stories make me completely crazy with fear because there are also less bad things it could be as well. I guess with anxiety though and especially with me I can't get past the bad stories or possibilities.
I have been keeping an eye on it too... It's been like 3 weeks since I noticed it by chance of trying to massage my shoulders & neck. (Whether it's been there longer- I couldn't even tell you) it has not grown and it feels the same like a moveable little pea bump under my skin. Sometimes I feel like it's going down & other times i can feel it staying the same. /:
Also in between the time of noticing I had some type of allergy or cold bug which made my throat all mucous and hoarse. (That's gone now) and the random dull ear ache pain that comes n goes.
Nzxt27, aw man I think we could fill a buckets worth of tears :( definitely don't have a dry eye problem... I'm proud that you have an apt as that's something I can't force myself to do.. And I would almost take relief if the ER Doctor wasn't concerned.. i think they would say if it was a worrisome thing. And ER doctors always suggest following up with your primary doc no matter what, because the ER is just for emergency not your normal doctor.
I hope your apt goes well & again at least your steps in front of me. It's okay to worry.. I worried about my eye exam for crying out loud.
Littlegsmama, I really appreciate the hugs! I could use like 1000 of them for sure :( no one wishes I could feel better and find peace of mind more than myself. I'm so tired of feeling scared and that I'm on death row ALL the time.
Yeah I think they would too. That's what everyone tells me that if it was bad they would ran more test or kept me over night or had me follow up for sure. He recommended me getting a family doctor I don't have one. I never been type to go to the doctor and just that ER trip costed me $3400! I'm hoping I am healthy I am only 32 and don't smoke drink or do drugs.
I'm nervous about my appointment but everyone assures me I'm worrying over nothing so I'm trying to take their word for it. I do feel if you are really worried it probably won't go away till you talk to medical professional about it. I can't keep living this way. I'm not my normal self and want to be back to normal again.
Savvy_Darling
10-03-16, 21:56
Nzxt27--- you sound like me... I don't have a regular family doctor. I just got some health insurance and through my boyfriends mom I picked their PCP as mine but I have yet to make an apt with her. 3400 !!! That's so much!! You should try to get some sort of health insurance through the state.. I see your from the United States like myself and that's what I have. I'm unemployed though /: but I'm the biggest worrier but if I actually got looked at and was told I'm fine I would be so relieved . You basically have that, and I think your apt will be fine with the doc because you were fine at the ER. :) try to be strong until the appointment and at the very least you're being proactive with your health so maybe just relax a bit. 32 and don't do drugs or drink or smoke I'd say those are wise things to be doing! I'm 21 and I don't smoke ,& drink only on special occasion. I don't eat all my fruits & veggies all the time but I also don't eat fast food very often. But I'm still worried about cancer. Its just seems to be everywhere you turn.. On tv, on the news and like for someone whose so health anxious I can't help but worry :(
---------- Post added at 16:56 ---------- Previous post was at 16:50 ----------
side note:
I was feeling around my boyfriends neck and having him feel mine and the lil under-skin bump thing I'm worried about and he thinks it's just my vein as he can see the vein runs through where the bump thing is. (I'm skeptical of that) but I told him to feel his neck for something similar and he found something (not in the same place as mine) so I felt a similar bump feeling thing that's moveable under the skin and somewhat squishy like mine.. Close to the same size too..
Not sure if it could be the same thing but I gotta tell ya it kinda helped bring some relief to me today after what his step dad said that freaked me out so bad. Like I said it's not in the same place but it feels very similar if not the exact same as mine. At least I can hold on to that thought and kinda calm myself down. Wish it was in the same spot as mine but as he said "we're all different"
Nzxt27--- you sound like me... I don't have a regular family doctor. I just got some health insurance and through my boyfriends mom I picked their PCP as mine but I have yet to make an apt with her. 3400 !!! That's so much!! You should try to get some sort of health insurance through the state.. I see your from the United States like myself and that's what I have. I'm unemployed though /: but I'm the biggest worrier but if I actually got looked at and was told I'm fine I would be so relieved . You basically have that, and I think your apt will be fine with the doc because you were fine at the ER. :) try to be strong until the appointment and at the very least you're being proactive with your health so maybe just relax a bit. 32 and don't do drugs or drink or smoke I'd say those are wise things to be doing! I'm 21 and I don't smoke ,& drink only on special occasion. I don't eat all my fruits & veggies all the time but I also don't eat fast food very often. But I'm still worried about cancer. Its just seems to be everywhere you turn.. On tv, on the news and like for someone whose so health anxious I can't help but worry :(
---------- Post added at 16:56 ---------- Previous post was at 16:50 ----------
side note:
I was feeling around my boyfriends neck and having him feel mine and the lil under-skin bump thing I'm worried about and he thinks it's just my vein as he can see the vein runs through where the bump thing is. (I'm skeptical of that) but I told him to feel his neck for something similar and he found something (not in the same place as mine) so I felt a similar bump feeling thing that's moveable under the skin and somewhat squishy like mine.. Close to the same size too..
Not sure if it could be the same thing but I gotta tell ya it kinda helped bring some relief to me today after what his step dad said that freaked me out so bad. Like I said it's not in the same place but it feels very similar if not the exact same as mine. At least I can hold on to that thought and kinda calm myself down. Wish it was in the same spot as mine but as he said "we're all different"
Yeah I just don't understand why I am still getting tons of muscles twitches from my legs to hands and arms. I don't recall getting many before all this happened and I hate being able to feel my heartbeat all over. Sometimes I can just sit here and feel my body move from my heartbeat it seems like and it's not even beating fast. Idk if I'm just noticing it or what. Weird thing is before I got anxiety or knew I had it I was just a normal person never felt different than anyone else. I admit I don't eat as good as I should but I'm not really big either. I'm
5:10 and weight 210 meduim build. I have lost 28 pounds since all this started around jan10th.
I did stop eating tons of snacks and I use to drink few sodas a day and I cut that out totally for 5 days straight. But I started drinking one a day now. I thought maybe my anxiety kicked up because I quit them cold turkey for a week.
---------- Post added 11-03-16 at 00:15 ---------- Previous post was 10-03-16 at 23:58 ----------
Yeah I don't have insurance and doubt I could get any I made good money last year but quit that job in oct because I was working 60-72 hours a week. It got old. I was hoping to get some help on paying my ER bill. But when I went talked to them they said I made too much last year. I'm currently unemployed too. I had a job interview the day after I went to the ER and I started that job but I couldn't get me head in it at all. I was always worried about my health. I wasn't sleeping then either at all. So few weeks in I just decided to quit I couldn't keep going in doing labor work in the AM when I was not even sleeping a hour a night. I was dead tired back then and couldn't sleep for nothing. Almost like I was fighting it.
Savvy_Darling
11-03-16, 02:25
Those definitely seem like all anxiety related. I know I have been aware of heart beat before and I hate that. Also yea the rocking feeling with heart beat. If I sit quietly and just focus on my heart beat I can feel my body almost sway with it.
And yes before my anxiety got bad I was a normal happy person and didn't worry NEARLY as much as I do about stuff.. I rarely worried about cancer and health issues now I worry about it with any weird sensation or mark or anything I seem off with my body. It sucks. Things I could just shrug off are now things I spends weeks worrying about. :( I felt some weird things which have gone away which I'm sure was from anxiety and stress. It really does take its toll on the body. We aren't suppose to remain in a panic mode like this all the time so I imagine it messes with our body and causes all sorts of things. (Which of course worries us more). Yea I can't get a job with the way I'm feeling.. I wouldn't be able to do it.. Plus I'm worried about dying from cancer all the time it seems so why would I need a job if I'm dying (that's how I'll feel.. So lack of motivation)
I can totally relate to how your feeling it's truly life consuming. Living in constant fear or feeling like your days are numbered.. Horrible feeling :(
I just worry my nausea feeling is connected to the bump on my neck and the random ear aching.. Like when things all happen at the same time like this I can't help but feel they're connected and it's something terminal and I'm not ready to go yet lik I've only had 21 years and I'd wish to live some more.. :( ugh.
glassgirlw
11-03-16, 02:54
I think a big trigger for HA people is others either telling us stories of "people they know" or others telling us we look different....tired, pale, losing weight, etc. At least it is for me!!! Which immediately triggers nausea, dizzy head, and my personal favorite, pounding heart, which then triggers my heart HA. It's a vicious circle of a ride and I would love to just get off of it!!! Honestly the best advice I can give (and what worked for me, as!I also have medication phobia, shocker!!!) Is to just repeat that it's anxiety, uncomfortable but not dangerous. Over and over and over until my brain believes it and symptoms subside. But you're definitely not alone in your fears!!
Yeah I'm only 32 and people say 30's are suppose to be the best years of your life. And I felt the exact same way when I had the job is why work if I'm dying. Luckily I had money saved from working so much last year.
Yeah when I'm laying here watching tv like now if I have my leg propped up like foot on bed knee in the air I can slightly see my leg move with my heart beat and my stomach is always moving with it. I haven't been eating as much as I should either. I never have much of a appetite anymore. Today all I've had is chick fi lay meal and a ham sandwich. That's not much compared to how much I use to eat I could put down 3 meals easy a day. Idk if that might have something with my body twitching too is not eating enough. I don't think I have are over my 2000 calories a day in a long time. It's hard for me to get motivation to do much throughout the day anymore too. I mostly just laid here watching Netflix today till my GF got off work. All alone which sucks it makes me think more about this. I just wanna be ok and be my old self again.
Night time seems to make me think more sometimes too. That's one reason I use to not be able to sleep. My leg or arm would jerk right as I fell asleep and wake me up. It sucked.
I mean I still feel stressed some about it but I don't feel like I'm panicking all the time or nothing but more my body twitches more I feel like I'm never going to get better.
Savvy_Darling
11-03-16, 03:12
You sound exactly like me for the most part though honestly we are just worried about different things.
I also sit around most the day and just having to much time to think. I hate being alone like when I'm by myself waiting for my bf to get off work.. and yes night time is worst for me too.. I worry if I'll ever be the same again too /:
At least you seem to be doing a little better , muscle twitches are most likely from not doing much so in our case laying around all day. And stress can make our muscle tense so they could also twitch from being over worked by stress tension.
I hope we both get to be our old selves again :( you're not alone!!
Yes glassgirl, other people's stories or hearing things on the news or reading on websites.. We get triggered and then we believe it's gonna happen to us.
Luckily no one has told me I look different because that would freak me out but I'm often asked "why do you look so miserable?" I got 99 problems and anxiety are all of them!
I'm medication phobic as well and hate pills... I try telling myself it's just anxiety but I'll still have bad thoughts come through and they just ruin it :( thanks though, feeling like I'm not crazy helps.. There are others like me.. It's comforting.
Yeah well I went from different things it started with me getting acid reflux which I'm assuming stress caused it because it's gone now. And I thought I had throat C. C word does run in my family on both sides but heart problems doesn't. Then I thought I had heart disease and it went on by me waking up middle night sweating and left arm numb and heart pounding. First panick attack I've ever had. While I was at the ER the doctor was checking my thyroid and see if I was anime if and before he even got back with results I thought I had thyroid C. And I went to the ER with chest pains from anxiety and panic attacks.
I hope we all get back to our selfs and find out nothing is wrong too. And yeah muscles twitches I hope is nothing but being lazy and go away or from anxiety or not eating enough. I hope they all go away. And yeah we are practically the same in every way besides I think I have other issues then you. But I'm home alone a lot. And sometimes I think that's what kinda got me started on this whole thing.
And yeah people don't say I look different besides I've lost almost 30 pounds and I get told I look better.
Yeah I think
The same thing about getting better. I asked my gf today while she was at work if she thinks I will ever get better. She said yes. It meant a lot too me.
Are you depressed some I think health anxiety causes a little depression. It might be hard to get through it without fighting the depression first. But idk.
---------- Post added at 03:33 ---------- Previous post was at 03:27 ----------
I hate pills too but if it will help then I will try them for a short time. My buddy was telling me about a guy he worked with went thru health anxiety for around a year and he finally the doctor gave him some white pills (idk what they where he didn't say) and after about month or two he was better and didn't even need the pills anymore. He's suppose to be back to normal now. Which means there is hope.
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