Silverspork
12-03-16, 00:34
Hello all,
Just signed up here, but I have been browsing these forums for a few years now, reading about other folk's situations.....trying to relate and also getting some solace in reading other people's stories.
History
I'm a 30 year old male, geologist, in good shape (been lifting weights 4-5x per week for 10 years or so), great family, great friends, awesome girlfriend, etc......everything should be in place for me to be content with my life.......
.....but I am not. I was diagnosed with depression sometime in high school, and put on Zoloft. I have been on and off SSRI's since then, currently I take 30mg Celexa. I see a psychiatrist now, and was also prescribed 25mg Seroquel for sleep. Prior to seeing the psychiatrist, I had only been treated by GP's. She (psychiatrist) does not believe I am really depressed - I have dysthymia and GAD. I believe the GAD is the root of my dysthymia. I also think I have OCD, developed as a result of my health anxiety and the compulsion to check things obsessively (like feeling my lymph nodes 100+ times a day, staring at the inside of my mouth in the mirror with a flashlight for an hour at a time looking at things, etc.).
I was also diagnosed with ADD (so officially, I have ADD, dysthymia, and GAD), which makes sense because I have always found it tough to sit still and do normal ''desk work'', which is why I guess I became a geologist (I'm outside a lot and being active, specially during the first years of my career).
I was able to get through college fine though, my ADD has never been at any extreme levels where I would show symptoms on the outside. I just have an overactive mind that does not slow down......In comes Adderall......prescribed 10mg 2x per day. I quickly began abusing it, which went on for nearly a year. I had enough self awareness (and disgust of myself) to know that I was an addict and I called my Dr and told him about it and told him to not prescribe it to me anymore. The anxiety I got after it (Adderall) wore off was horrible, which led me to basically turn into an alcoholic during that time.
I have also been a marijuana smoker since college (nearly daily). I've stopped multiple times with no issues (for periods of a few months). It has always helped me sleep. I am a musician (my ADD is probably why I used to play guitar for 8+ hours a day in high school and college) and they both seem to go hand in hand. I also just like being high, I won't make an excuse.
I have an addictive personality (guitar, gym, weed), but I very rarely smoke during the day (it's usually only on weekends when I do.....although I have gotten stoned while working in the field on occasion, my cross-sections always come out looking like penises), it's always at night after work/the gym. I go lift then come home and stuff my face and relax. This has been my routine for almost 10 years.
Besides marijuana, I've never been "into" drugs, other than Adderall obviously. I never used to drink more than once a month (give or take a day or two) because I was so into the gym lifestyle that I never wanted to hinder my "gains". I have always eaten healthily. My GP and my psychiatrist both know I use marijuana and do not seem to care nor suggest that I stop. I have a medical marijuana card (it's legal in my state). However, I do find it odd that they (doctors) haven't brought marijuana up again in discussion after I initially told them about my use during my first visits.
I do not find my condition/situation to be any better during the periods when I'm completely sober. I am considered by the doctors to be healthy and living a healthy life style - so I have tried every typical lifestyle "change" that is suggested to people struggling with depression/GAD.
Health Anxiety
About 2.5+ years ago, I began to have lymph nodes in my neck swell up, as well as other symptoms in my mouth (i.e. stinging below tongue, over other areas in mouth, etc.). The nodes have remained enlarged for 2.5 years now. During these 2.5 years, more have slowly enlarged and remained so. However, one node on the side of my neck/under my ear has come and gone about 3x now.
During this 2.5+ year period I've had the following tests/procedures:
MRI of neck
CT scan of neck
MRI of brain
2 ultrasounds of neck
Comprehensive (I would hope?) blood tests from hematologist (he analyzed for a lot of different parameters I had never heard of and have long forgotten)
2 nasolaryngoscopies
EKG
other routine blood tests, including: CBC, thyroid function, the basics
excisional biopsy of enlarged node on my lower left/side of neck
fine needle biopsy of enlarged node below jaw/left side
I've seen 3 ENTs, 3 oral surgeons, a hematologist, and a neurologist. Basically, all of the tests have come back as normal, with the exception of the imaging tests, which indicate enlarged nodes. I also apparently have GERD and an enlarged/swollen sphenoid sinus, but not severe enough to warrant medication or treatment.
Present Day
As I mentioned above, my GAD preceded my lymph node adventure, but since it began the GAD has gotten worse, fairly steadily. I've spent so much time and money trying to get some answers as to why my nodes are enlarged. If they didn't cause physical symptoms, like the sensation that I have grapes in my neck/jaw, and a neck stiffness/fullness feeling (they aren't large enough to see visually from the outside), I may have been able to have forgotten about it and put it behind me by now.
My GAD and other problems are not severe enough to hinder me (yet) from performing and completing daily responsibilities/tasks, but it is pretty unbearable. I have been off the Adderall for a few months, and since then my drinking has gone down, but I still struggle to not grab a pint of whiskey after work some days. The past three weeks or so I have managed to reduce my drinking drastically, though with 3 or 4 days where I have broken down and picked up some whiskey.
I always feel so ashamed of myself when I wake up hung over the next morning, even if it isn't a raging hangover (4 or 5 drinks) from the night prior, like I used to experience almost 5 days a week during the time I was on Adderall. I always start off the day great by going to work, going to the gym, telling myself all day that I will not drink, then I come home and sabotage myself by binge drinking. I'm fully aware of what it does to my body, I think more so than average because I am an intermediate weight lifter (315lb bench press, 420lb+ deadlift, at 195lbs 6'3"), and can see what it does to my body and feel it in the gym.
I am at a loss about what to do. I don't feel like my GAD will ever go back down to levels that are acceptable, unless I can get a diagnosis related to my nodes/neck. Conversely, I also accept that I may indeed be going insane. I am different than the vast majority of the health anxiety stories posted on this board though - I actually have a physical manifestation (my lymph nodes) of something going on in my body, and according to all of the doctors, anxiety cannot cause lymph nodes to enlarge. I am not downplaying anyone's suffering who deals with health anxiety, I would not wish it on anyone. It's like a wet turd that you can't wash off of your body. On days when it's windy outside and busy, you can't smell the old turd so much. On still days, it wafts right up your nose. Totally unpredictable.
I do not have the usual "I have a headache, my back hurts, I think I drank too much water, germaphobe, etc." complaints that most hypochondriacs have. Mine are very real, unexplained, and I think it would be bothersome (and worrisome) for most people given the amount of time that has elapsed since the lymph node saga began.
I have also seen a therapist, who suggested I am too functional to need his help, and he was the one who referred me to the psychiatrist.
Sorry this was so damn long, I would love to hear anyone's opinion should they take the time to read all of this. I haven't really spoken to anybody who has gone through this type of thing, at least that I know of.
Just signed up here, but I have been browsing these forums for a few years now, reading about other folk's situations.....trying to relate and also getting some solace in reading other people's stories.
History
I'm a 30 year old male, geologist, in good shape (been lifting weights 4-5x per week for 10 years or so), great family, great friends, awesome girlfriend, etc......everything should be in place for me to be content with my life.......
.....but I am not. I was diagnosed with depression sometime in high school, and put on Zoloft. I have been on and off SSRI's since then, currently I take 30mg Celexa. I see a psychiatrist now, and was also prescribed 25mg Seroquel for sleep. Prior to seeing the psychiatrist, I had only been treated by GP's. She (psychiatrist) does not believe I am really depressed - I have dysthymia and GAD. I believe the GAD is the root of my dysthymia. I also think I have OCD, developed as a result of my health anxiety and the compulsion to check things obsessively (like feeling my lymph nodes 100+ times a day, staring at the inside of my mouth in the mirror with a flashlight for an hour at a time looking at things, etc.).
I was also diagnosed with ADD (so officially, I have ADD, dysthymia, and GAD), which makes sense because I have always found it tough to sit still and do normal ''desk work'', which is why I guess I became a geologist (I'm outside a lot and being active, specially during the first years of my career).
I was able to get through college fine though, my ADD has never been at any extreme levels where I would show symptoms on the outside. I just have an overactive mind that does not slow down......In comes Adderall......prescribed 10mg 2x per day. I quickly began abusing it, which went on for nearly a year. I had enough self awareness (and disgust of myself) to know that I was an addict and I called my Dr and told him about it and told him to not prescribe it to me anymore. The anxiety I got after it (Adderall) wore off was horrible, which led me to basically turn into an alcoholic during that time.
I have also been a marijuana smoker since college (nearly daily). I've stopped multiple times with no issues (for periods of a few months). It has always helped me sleep. I am a musician (my ADD is probably why I used to play guitar for 8+ hours a day in high school and college) and they both seem to go hand in hand. I also just like being high, I won't make an excuse.
I have an addictive personality (guitar, gym, weed), but I very rarely smoke during the day (it's usually only on weekends when I do.....although I have gotten stoned while working in the field on occasion, my cross-sections always come out looking like penises), it's always at night after work/the gym. I go lift then come home and stuff my face and relax. This has been my routine for almost 10 years.
Besides marijuana, I've never been "into" drugs, other than Adderall obviously. I never used to drink more than once a month (give or take a day or two) because I was so into the gym lifestyle that I never wanted to hinder my "gains". I have always eaten healthily. My GP and my psychiatrist both know I use marijuana and do not seem to care nor suggest that I stop. I have a medical marijuana card (it's legal in my state). However, I do find it odd that they (doctors) haven't brought marijuana up again in discussion after I initially told them about my use during my first visits.
I do not find my condition/situation to be any better during the periods when I'm completely sober. I am considered by the doctors to be healthy and living a healthy life style - so I have tried every typical lifestyle "change" that is suggested to people struggling with depression/GAD.
Health Anxiety
About 2.5+ years ago, I began to have lymph nodes in my neck swell up, as well as other symptoms in my mouth (i.e. stinging below tongue, over other areas in mouth, etc.). The nodes have remained enlarged for 2.5 years now. During these 2.5 years, more have slowly enlarged and remained so. However, one node on the side of my neck/under my ear has come and gone about 3x now.
During this 2.5+ year period I've had the following tests/procedures:
MRI of neck
CT scan of neck
MRI of brain
2 ultrasounds of neck
Comprehensive (I would hope?) blood tests from hematologist (he analyzed for a lot of different parameters I had never heard of and have long forgotten)
2 nasolaryngoscopies
EKG
other routine blood tests, including: CBC, thyroid function, the basics
excisional biopsy of enlarged node on my lower left/side of neck
fine needle biopsy of enlarged node below jaw/left side
I've seen 3 ENTs, 3 oral surgeons, a hematologist, and a neurologist. Basically, all of the tests have come back as normal, with the exception of the imaging tests, which indicate enlarged nodes. I also apparently have GERD and an enlarged/swollen sphenoid sinus, but not severe enough to warrant medication or treatment.
Present Day
As I mentioned above, my GAD preceded my lymph node adventure, but since it began the GAD has gotten worse, fairly steadily. I've spent so much time and money trying to get some answers as to why my nodes are enlarged. If they didn't cause physical symptoms, like the sensation that I have grapes in my neck/jaw, and a neck stiffness/fullness feeling (they aren't large enough to see visually from the outside), I may have been able to have forgotten about it and put it behind me by now.
My GAD and other problems are not severe enough to hinder me (yet) from performing and completing daily responsibilities/tasks, but it is pretty unbearable. I have been off the Adderall for a few months, and since then my drinking has gone down, but I still struggle to not grab a pint of whiskey after work some days. The past three weeks or so I have managed to reduce my drinking drastically, though with 3 or 4 days where I have broken down and picked up some whiskey.
I always feel so ashamed of myself when I wake up hung over the next morning, even if it isn't a raging hangover (4 or 5 drinks) from the night prior, like I used to experience almost 5 days a week during the time I was on Adderall. I always start off the day great by going to work, going to the gym, telling myself all day that I will not drink, then I come home and sabotage myself by binge drinking. I'm fully aware of what it does to my body, I think more so than average because I am an intermediate weight lifter (315lb bench press, 420lb+ deadlift, at 195lbs 6'3"), and can see what it does to my body and feel it in the gym.
I am at a loss about what to do. I don't feel like my GAD will ever go back down to levels that are acceptable, unless I can get a diagnosis related to my nodes/neck. Conversely, I also accept that I may indeed be going insane. I am different than the vast majority of the health anxiety stories posted on this board though - I actually have a physical manifestation (my lymph nodes) of something going on in my body, and according to all of the doctors, anxiety cannot cause lymph nodes to enlarge. I am not downplaying anyone's suffering who deals with health anxiety, I would not wish it on anyone. It's like a wet turd that you can't wash off of your body. On days when it's windy outside and busy, you can't smell the old turd so much. On still days, it wafts right up your nose. Totally unpredictable.
I do not have the usual "I have a headache, my back hurts, I think I drank too much water, germaphobe, etc." complaints that most hypochondriacs have. Mine are very real, unexplained, and I think it would be bothersome (and worrisome) for most people given the amount of time that has elapsed since the lymph node saga began.
I have also seen a therapist, who suggested I am too functional to need his help, and he was the one who referred me to the psychiatrist.
Sorry this was so damn long, I would love to hear anyone's opinion should they take the time to read all of this. I haven't really spoken to anybody who has gone through this type of thing, at least that I know of.