Am I just in denial?!

[char123]

Hi,

This is my second post on this board and I think that I have OCD (pure O) but I haven't been diagnosed with it as I don't want to go to the doctors. Anyway, my mind seems to be non stop at the moment with trying to decide if I'm attracted to my own brother or if it's my mind playing tricks on me. I feel like I'm at war with my own thoughts and I'm not really sure what my 'real' thoughts and feelings are anymore. At the moment I'm trying to reduce the thought that I'm attracted to him by reminding myself that they're just thoughts and the fact that I'm scared of them means that I will never act on them.

But here's my new issue that my mind has brought attention to (to make me feel like I actually am or will be attracted to him). So when I was younger maybe like 5 years ago I remember obsessing over the idea that I was gay and I remember getting over it by telling my mum and she saying that it doesn't really matter if I am and then realising that it won't be the end of the world. And now I'm quite open to the idea that I could be gay or whatever (I'd prefer not to be but it doesn't scare me). I find other women pretty but I'm not sure if I 'like' them in a sexual way but I think im quite open to the idea of 'experimenting' and finding out- lol sorry if this is too personal :')- so anyway now I'm afraid that accepting these thoughts about my brother will mean that I'm just in denial and I actually am attracted to him! Honestly, I really don't want to be and I feel like it would ruin my life if I was!!! Also, I think this is the reason why I'm afraid to accept these thought because I'd feel like it would subconsciously normalise them and mean that I am or would become sexually attracted to him :/

I hate having these thoughts and I just want to be normal!! So why does my own mind fight with itself in making me even consider this? In the past year, I have had the thoughts that I've got illnesses, wanted to hurt people and that Im attracted to children but these eventually pass and I move on to another. But this one about my brother has probably been in the back of my mind for like 6 months!! I'm just so afraid that I actually am and I'm using pure O as an excuse to having these thoughts :( I'm so messed up and scared these thoughts will never go away.

Thanks for reading!! I'd appreciate any reply on what you think :) what do you think I could do to stop this thought? I'd actually be happy to just move on to another odd thought but non are as distressing as this one.

[MyNameIsTerry]

There is a difference here. You obsessed over being gay and finally accepted that there is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual and that it is a very normal thing, it's just sexual preference. So, you dealt with the fears by accepting it as a possibility and nothing bad either way. You are open to experimentation and you are still quite young so you are bound to be finding yourself and so if you choose to experiment, you will learn whether your openness to bisexuality may become your choice.

Your brother on the other hand is a different matter. You know that sexual activity with your brother would be immoral. It's far from normal or acceptable and so your deeper beliefs that guide you, those which tell you right from wrong, are telling you this would be wrong. Your worries over sexuality were not wrong, they were options. This isn't an option, it is wrong and this is why it scares you more because you are concerned that you are trying to accept it on the same terms as how you accepted the possibility or gay or bisexual choice.

You reasoned with the other thoughts and found they were not something to fear because there was nothing wrong with any of those choices.

With this one the logic is different because you need to factor in morality.

However, intrusive thoughts are simply that and they can all be accepted without accepting their content. This would have been the same for the violent thoughts and the POCD thoughts, there were immoral, illegal, etc and so you had to accept those in a different way. The same applies to the noes about your brother.