I really feel like a human disater

[stay_gold]

When I was a child I was abused by a sibling sexually. I kept quiet about it cos it would tear the whole family apart,it would have killed my mum, and I am certain that he wouldn't have done it again because it was a personal vendetta against me, set out to sully my innocence. He is the most histrionic, self obsessed person I've ever known and he resented me because he had to look after me when mum was working and he missed out on stuff, jealous of any attention that I got.

I dealt with it in my own way, head above water, pretty optimistic, never did drugs, never got to promiscuous, never got into crime or any kind of addiction. Most people think I've lived an easy life.

Present day, I decided to open up about it to a closed friend, her first reaction was to tell my mother! I literally had to beg her not to. I understand the view she took but she made it more about her opinion than anything else, my feelings we totally taking a back seat.
She continued to tell me that she was never gonna look at me the same again, everytime she'd see me she'd think about it and that she had a relative that was abused and she never sees her because she felt guilty. I expressed my annoyance at what she said and was told it's the truth and I can't get upset at what she said.

Now she goes on about my anxiety more, makes me feel like a weak person for expressing my emotions, eluded at me being weak because I have dealt with things how other 'strong' people have. (These people have made their mistakes, but I wouldn't hold it against them).

Now I feel like I have morally failed myself, I feel stained and I feel so incredibly judged. I don't need things sugar coated at all but I just feel so bad about myself and that years of development has been smashed to pieces.

Am I being too sensitive? Am I being selfish or self centered? Am I weak? I dunno anymore. :wacko::weep:

[Fishmanpa]

Am I being too sensitive? Am I being selfish or self centered? Am I weak? I dunno anymore. :wacko::weep:

No, you're not weak at all. No, you're not being too sensitive. No, you're not being selfish or self centered. Quite the contrary. You're incredibly strong to have suffered the abuse and learned to live your life in spite of it.

It's your friend that is all those things and I would question the commitment of that friendship. That saying rings true here "With friends like that, who needs enemies?"

As far as your mother knowing? I don't know but I do know that, even though this was many years ago, your sibling should be held accountable. How? I don't know....

That being said, it would be in your best interest to seek some counseling to help you better cope with the trauma you suffered.

Positive thoughts

[Superworrier]

Hi please know your an incredible person to have gone through this and have the courage to speak to anyone about it shows your courage .

Your friends reaction to it are her feelings and her opinions not yours to turn this into how she feels about it is very selfish and not what you need from a friend .
I am so sorry you found the courage to tell her and she is not supporting you .

You don't say how old you are so I don't know how long you have had to carry this awful secret but I do suggest you think of councelling .

Trust me none of this was your fault and your not stained in any way .
Those years of development are strong foundations you built them and your an amazing strong human being please know that and don't let anyone tell you different ever .

:hugs:

[stay_gold]

Fishmanpa, thanks for your reply, I guess I feel week and selfish because I never told my parents. My mum and dad would without a doubt end up doing something criminal. They're not criminals but I know them too well, and mum especially would be broken and severely depressed, she's also really hard on herself.
I am very distant from my brother, he knows that we will never be close. It's a tough position for him. I now his personal life is in tatters so I kinda believe that's his way of paying for it. As for my friend, it's a good way of putting things.

Superworrier, thanks for the compliments, I thought she was making it about her opinion too but my head has been all over the place as I lost a friend to suicide last year, and I haven't had a clear head. It was another let down, I'm so used to dealing with everything alone though so I'll be OK. I helped me see her true colours, she said her relative was strong enough to stand up for what she believed in, so that explains a lot.
I'm in my mid 20s . I don't think it's my fault, it's the way she made me feel on how I went about things. It's making me really doubt myself morally and self loathing is creeping in. Just when I started to feel positive after the suicide.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Whether your mother needs to be told this, or anyone else for that matter, purely YOUR choice, NOT your friends. She may be acting out of shock, anger, etc and if you talk to her she may calm down and see this from the point of view that matters, YOURS!

You have chosen to handle this situation in your own way and whether you wish to change that way is a choice for you to make. BUT your friend only sees the tunnel visioned picture of the situation, you see the bigger picture and know that there will be fallout. Whilst it would be just to deal with this sibling for what they did, it is far from weak to consider other peoples mental health above your own. You could have brought this out for years but you chose to deal with a very complex and emotionally damaging trauma (that I can't see how anyone can comprehend without going through it) and somehow kept your family together. If it is your belief that bringing this out would be more detrimental than keeping it as it is, that truly is your decision and no one else's.

Your friend needs to calm down, see it from your side and understand that taking action could cause damage she doesn't understand to you all, something you have a better judgement of.

I can't understand how your friend judges you as being week in comparison to someone who did take action! Your were clearly a young child and you are still only young now, what did she think a child should do? Children don't understand the situation and their own emotions/thoughts about the situation surely? They can't know what is the right thing to do and so we can't judge a child because they don't act in the way an adult might.

Presumably your friend regards adult sexual abuse and attack victims as "weak" if they don't report it? As she any idea of how hard that would be?

I don't want to be harsh on your friend but I think you need to be very firm with her.

---------- Post added at 11:02 ---------- Previous post was at 10:56 ----------


Present day, I decided to open up about it to a closed friend, her first reaction was to tell my mother! I literally had to beg her not to. I understand the view she took but she made it more about her opinion than anything else, my feelings we totally taking a back seat.
She continued to tell me that she was never gonna look at me the same again, everytime she'd see me she'd think about it and that she had a relative that was abused and she never sees her because she felt guilty. I expressed my annoyance at what she said and was told it's the truth and I can't get upset at what she said.

Now she goes on about my anxiety more, makes me feel like a weak person for expressing my emotions, eluded at me being weak because I have dealt with things how other 'strong' people have. (These people have made their mistakes, but I wouldn't hold it against them).

Bit in red. So, she avoids a relative who was abused because of how SHE feels? How does she think they feel because of that? Perhaps she feel bad about themselves? It's not hard to think they may even think this relative thinks badly of them for being abused or worse. How is that healthy for the victim, to be further punished?

Could it be that she feels guilty because she believes she should or could have done something about it? So, could she be diving into this situation because she has that chance all over again and doesn't want to make the same mistake twice? It's just something to consider because maybe her reaction is based on her perception of previous failure on her part, whether she did or not, and maybe she needs time to think and to talk with you?

There is no shame in expressing emotions. Does she know about your anxiety already? If so, if this just another twist in the above and her not wanting to think about it because of the previous situation she harbours guilt over?

[stay_gold]

MyNameIsTerry, thanks for the response. I agree that she has connected it to her relative and her guilt but it's a very selfish thing to do. She's making it all about her. She was in her mid teens when it happened. She's has always had a conditioned way of thinking, in black and white about everything. I thought she'd understand because of what her relative went though but I got the text book conditioned response. It's made me realise how self centered she is really. I know she looks at me differently now, just from little things said by her and it all comes from her own self loathing issues.
She knows about my anxiety and she never took much notice of it till it was directed at her, now she mentions how I hide it well (not a compliment), and how certain people are stronger than us because they don't have disorders like us(she has mental health issues too). My stance is that I can't help the anxiety, it's not my fault and I'm not embarrassed about it. You can still be a nice person with tact, with a mental illness, it's not like she was in the middle of an episode. It was a normal situation. I had to deal with the I say it as it is cliche nonsense.
I'm just gonna have to accept that's just how she feels and move on.