Desperate

[elik]

I'm doing it to myself now, I want answers. I can't live like this, I can't even live with the thoughts of my past even if they were to never return. I feel completely bewildered, lost, confused and out of touch. I don't know how much more I can bare. I feel so dissociated all the time it's like I'm fighting madness 24/7 as I just feel out of sorts all the time which just Spurs on intrusive thoughts because I feel out of control. Just knowing how bad I've been scars me as it is. I think I'm a lost cause, just floating through life trying not to cause anyone any hassle but dying internally from fear and trauma

[Xtrastrongbint]

Hi Elik - Didn't you say you had recently switched meds? This may be the storm before the calm. Honestly, I've been where you are - you are not a lost cause - we all have something to battle and sometimes we have to grit our teeth to make it to the other side. Can I ask whats meds you are on now and what you've tried previously? Can you contact a crisis team or speak to a gp/psych quickly as you're feeling so bad? :hugs:

[shiznit76]

Have you seen your doc? Are you on waiting list for a pysch apt?

[elik]

I just feel like I'm constantly dissociated and bewildered and never in a clear state of conscious and its traumatising me. There's nothing I can do either but I don't want to live under these restrictions. It's so scary and lonely it makes everything seem so surreal and far away that I spend most of my days desperately hoping for this all to clear. I started lithium last week.

[shiznit76]

what was the lithium prescribed for?

[elik]

It's prescribed for chronic anxiety and mood stabilising

[shiznit76]

It may take wee while to get dose right, or kick in. I don't know much about this drug, but most mood stabilisers do take some time. Could ask a pharamacist about it

[wantpeace]

Starting a new drug can have all kinds of weird side effects, the main one being making you feel 100x worse than you were before you started them. I felt suicidal during my lowest points starting up on a recent medication. I seem to be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now though.

Hang in there buddy.

Keep in close contact with whoever's treating you. They'll help you understand the process more, and maybe give you something short term to alleviate the distress.

[elik]

Thank you. It's not so much that I feel worse I just feel completely alone and lost and will what if myself out of any comfort. I can't live like this and I know that and I want more than anything to be ok but I am absolutely traumatised by my past

[PanchoGoz]

You have to have the mindset at the moment that - right. I'm thinking all this weird stuff but it's just going in my head and it's not really harming me, however weird I feel. You're on a drug that could start to lessen this, and you can lean on that for comfort. Let the drug do it's work and go along with it, even if it feels fake or pointless. You have no way right now of glimpsing there CAN be another side to this, there CAN be another angle because you are locked in.
But you can get better because I've been in that state where I thought - that was it. I'd thought myself into a spiral and there was no way out. I called it a thinking trap. I'd thought myself into a hole I couldn't get out of and I'm not even sure what it was about. But that hole, that trap was still just a thought like any other...and years later I'm still here.
I got out of it by just doing what I normally do, work, life, talking about normal things with other people. You stop playing the game and you do eventually forget. For now, faith, eat, sleep, talk.

---------- Post added at 16:18 ---------- Previous post was at 16:17 ----------

Is there something that happened you in the past specifically to perpetuate this? If so can you talk about it?

[elik]

Nothing tangibley bad has ever happened to me, I've created this trauma myself. My thoughts and feelings get so deep and dark and I feel I've spent my whole life surviving and dealing with all these horrendous things and trying to get my perceptions to normal. I honestly feel too shaken up by myself and knowing I'll have to look back at my past of anxiety makes me feel physically sick

---------- Post added at 17:10 ---------- Previous post was at 17:07 ----------

It feels like the majority of my life has been under completely wrong perceptions and I'm lost in them and can't turn back. I just see so many dark places where I've been and I'm struggling to find any lightb in myself and just see constant battle for sanity etc

[PanchoGoz]

I can totally understand how you feel - please know you are not alone. I think myself and a lot of people will read your posts and find certain phrases click, such as having to look back on those disgusting memories.
I thought 2008 was a year I'd never forget, it was the darkest year of my life and when all my problems started - and yet now I never think about it. The couple of years that followed all I could think about were those memories from 2008, and the colours and the smells and the music that went with it. I couldn't listen to certain songs for a long time, but now I can listen to them without thinking 2008! Avoid!
You are in a dark place and wherever you look you are going to see just darkness, your mind will only conjure up memories relating to how you feel now because that's how it's trying to reaffirm your fears. It's plain old fight or flight. It wants to find evidence for your fear and will shoot memories at you and your fatigued nerves will cry and wilt when you are hit by them. But that doesn't make them as bad as all that. You're life hasn't been bad moments all the way through, this is the depression tricking you. You have to just know inside that there is a way out of it, and let time do its thing. You must be so tired from all the fighting and searching and battling, any thinking about this you do will just dig you deeper and further in so please stop engaging in these thoughts as much as you can! Give them no attention! Just do a jigsaw puzzle instead and wait for the meds to kick in. You can do this, we'll see you through!

[elik]

I feel like I always find a loop hole, I'm constantly looking at the world from a jaded perspective. I stand back and say to myself this is anxiety not me, but the feeling doesn't go and no matter what the cause is it's terrifying. I never see things the right way. I am now struggling for what a good perspective is. All I feel is fear. Always. I'm waiting for the silver lining but I'm always going along this dark and twisted road. If I have a moment of clarity it's shattered by a what if thought. I feel like I look at my entire life and it all looks confused and scared and feared like I'm struggling to understand and cope going. I feel I have never been normal and I don't know how I'm meant to go on.

[laughing heart]

Youve pretty much summed up how I feel right now. Hope things get better for you soon. On top of it I am pregnant so I cant even take any meds! Best of luck to you x