In a really rough spot...

[.Poppy.]

The past few days have not been good to me, I'm afraid. My fears seem to be spiraling and jumping from one thing to another and I'm having trouble reigning them in.

My main terrors right now are:

- stomach pain (and loose stool - sorry if that's tmi!). Stomach pain isn't always unusual to me but the other is. The pain seems to intensify when I'm feeling particularly nervous. I'm trying to tell myself that maybe it's just a reaction to upping my lexapro or a combo of that + my time of the month, but my mind just isn't having it and I'm not sure if it started before I upped my dose this Sunday. I'm seriously in such a state I cannot remember.

- bumps/rash? I posted about this one yesterday. The doc didn't have a clue. They don't itch or burn, but do seem to be popping up more frequently. I have an appointment with the derm in about an hour but am afraid she won't have a clue either and will just tell me to see what happens.

I'm scared that they're either a) some strange new acne thing (which sounds super vain) and that they're going to turn into a bunch of really large cysts or b) some sort of systemic disease/illness/damage that's just appearing on my skin.

I have a couple of red bumps on my face that I've had for a few months now; I can't tell if they're similar/the same. In the past when I had acne it would be pus-filled (again, sorry tmi!) but now I just get little spots that are tiny and hard, or more rarely large and hard. I mentioned them to my derm last I was in and she didn't really seem to know.


I'm not googling as I know that might make it worse, but at the same time I'm terrified of all these made-up scenarios or things that I think MIGHT happen. So basically I've convinced myself that something bad is happening to me, I just don't know exactly what. Which almost seems just as terrifying.

Aside from the doctor's visit and some outside time today, I have mainly been upstairs in my bed, watching Netflix and trying to distract myself by coloring. I'm on spring break right now, so I guess I have time to be a bum.

I'm simultaneously hyped up and exhausted. I feel like I've brought all this on myself and I don't know what to do.

[Beckie4567]

Sending hugs poppy hope your ok x

[.Poppy.]

Thanks Beckie. xx Hopefully I will be, but I'm not really now.

I've also had some minor "symptoms"
- nausea (not sure if it's med related or anxiety related or both)
- twitching/muscle jerks (strangely enough, I'm not worried about these! I know they're anxiety)
- shakiness. Nothing super extreme, but I feel shaky internally and sometimes my hands shake as well. Again, not sure if this is anxiety related or not.
- diet/weight loss. I haven't had much of an appetite recently; even when I physically feel hungry there's not really anything I want to eat. Also, nausea. When I went to the doctor yesterday I had lost about 4 pounds. It's not a massive amount (I was last weighed about two weeks ago) but of course it's still scary.


Clearly I'm in a state. It's hard because I feel like I'm being hit from all directions with various things to fear. And in the brief moments when I'm not terrified, self-esteem issues pop up and that gives me something else to fret over.

I see my therapist Monday and my psych again Wednesday; maybe they can help. Also have a script for a benzo I haven't yet had the time to fill, but am nervous to take in case there are medical side effects going on and I throw another variable into the mix. Maybe they'll have answers?

---------- Post added at 21:20 ---------- Previous post was at 19:57 ----------

Well, I just finished at the derm. She wasn't totally sure what it was. She thinks it could be viral. Hopeful me is hoping she's right - that could explain my stomach issues. Fearful me still thinks it is something sinister.