View Full Version : Brave New World: Recovery Diary
Hi all. Due to the success (and occasional disastrous failure) of previous recovery diaries, I've decided to start a new one.
Far too much has happened in the last few months for me to explain in one post, but here are the highlights:
I commenced medication for ADHD and asperger syndrome. It's Strattera, 25mg/day. My life changed drastically from day one, as I kind of "woke up" from the horrible, anxious, confusing fever-dream that I'd been living in, and began to see the world - and other people - how they really are. The severity of my anxiety has massively reduced, and to be honest I don't know how I survived before. The medication seems to have made me a lot smarter too and I can process way more information than before.
I've had serious woman trouble which has resulted in me cutting a number of former friends out of my life. I've been stalked, betrayed, used for sex (yes women do this a lot!), used for comfort and affection, my life has potentially been in danger and my recent ex pretended to be pregnant when she knew I was going to dump her.
I can't return to work as I am facing four disciplinaries at once, surely the company record, and I have suffered mental abuse at the hands of a former friend who we'll call Lauren.
I'm facing the DWP in court soon, and will most likely also be facing the NHS in court later this year.
Life is extremely hard at the moment and the old me would not have survived it. I'm fighting across so many fronts even I can't keep up at times. But this is where it all changes - this is my resistance. Everything has changed in a short time, but in the words of Muse, I'll reveal my strength to the whole human race.
The universe has started a war. So I'm giving it a war it won't believe. :yesyes:
Last night I went round a few pubs and bars at the last-minute invitation of two women I haven't seen since school, one of whom I didn't even know and couldn't remember, although I didn't tell her that. This is really abnormal behaviour for me.
We had a really good time, our friendship was natural and I was quite relaxed, a far cry from how I'd have been a year before. The DJ called out that it was some girl's birthday and I smiled and nodded to her - she seemed to appreciate this very much but eye contact, especially from a woman I don't know, seems to burn my soul and I cannot cope with it. This has cost me a lot of opportunities - but at least I acknowledged her, which is more than I can normally do.
I'm seeing an old college friend tonight, which again is weird for me, as I have barely spoken to him in 16 years.
I'm applying for jobs with imminent deadlines and fighting my natural, fear-based procrastination. This procrastination is linked to my inability to talk to women I don't know -- it seems to be at the heart of my problems. It's probably my "aspie" side.
I'm effectively trying to "recover" from autism and ADHD, which I don't think anyone has attempted before.
My social life seems to have picked up somewhat. It's become clear that I have never put consistent effort into going out and getting to know people. I just cannot seem to do "small talk" - a known symptom of aspergers. It's like the software just isn't there in my brain. Small talk seems trite and boring, and it makes me apprehensive, like I am permanently afraid of making a mistake. I've got this urge to do exciting things and talk about really important stuff. This is definitely exaggerated by my ADHD.
Having aspergers and ADHD is like having Mr Spock and Captain Kirk living in my brain: one side is dispassionate, logical, intelligent, reserved, wary, forever seeking to understand humans. The other is creative, dynamic, charming, outgoing and bold. I'm in a war with myself. How does someone integrate such opposite traits in order to find some kind of balance?
Wish me luck - I'm applying for a job with a very high wage, and it's got to be submitted in the next two hours.
Catherine S
21-03-16, 14:30
Good luck with your job application Adam :yesyes:
Thanks Cath :D
I just completed two applications for high-profile jobs in less than three hours, including farting about with my computer and then my emails not working properly. Both applications have hit the 5pm deadline. How's that :D
Catherine S
21-03-16, 17:11
That's progress i'd say, you're doing fabbo :D x
Haha thanks, not good enough apparently, I've already been rejected from one of them on the basis of (you've guessed it) lack of experience!
Apparently the only way to get experience is to volunteer, which is to do a job for free!
I'm currently with an advocate going through the DWP's 100-page response to my appeal for PIP. Apparently having aspergers, adhd, gad, arthritis, a blind eye, needing cbt and life coaching and five medications, does not make me disabled enough.
This may sound arrogant to some, but I've been told by my advocates that my intelligence hides my disabilities. I am apparently smarter than the NHS and the DWP, and they are using my own intelligence against me. I'll post more on this later as it is likely to be relevant to a lot of people with hidden disabilities.
To say that today was supposed to be a boring day of rest, it was pretty lively.
I've been under so much stress that yesterday I thought I was having angina. Today, the girl I'm having trouble with at work was able to message me in a Facebook group chat with other people from work, where she attempted to ridicule me and my previous relationship. The nutter from work has clearly either got eyes for me, or got it in for me, or both, and it's clear beyond all doubt that I am right to want to leave that place and never go back.
I don't regret telling her to die, although I'm not proud of it either. I told her there's no wonder she was right about my ex, she clearly recognised a woman with the same "alley-cat morals" as herself. I felt emotionally broken and had a calming talk with a friend from the group chat, who I'm going out for coffee and a chat on Friday.
I've just made a very stressful journey as I accompanied my dad to one of his talks (he's a local historian) and he hadn't brought a projector screen, or bothered to ask if the place were going has one. I've just had a nightmarish, against the clock journey home and back again to get one. I'm dripping with sweat. If you were just overtaken by a large Peugeot going fast enough to travel in time, sorry, that was me.
I've been working on my fiction lately and got a shedload done, including trying new things such as my first ever Merlin fanfic! My writing group says my style reminds them of Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle but I haven't read any of his stuff. I was aiming more at Lovecraft and Dan Abnett to be honest.
I keep having blips. It's weird, because ever since I've been on the Strattera, I've possessed a new level of insight into myself and other people, and I can see how my anxiety works in a detached, clinical way. It really is remarkable how badly the anxiety has imapired me. These days, I don't feel I "need" to be anxious any more, but it happens independently, usually when I'm tired or over-stressed, and its impact can be severe. It makes everyday things into a struggle, like wading through treacle.
I become withdrawn, afraid, fidgety and can't really seem to do anything. It can last an hour or a week, depending. The Samaritans have been amazing, I don't always want to tell my friends certain things so I talk to them, and I still plan to volunteer as one when I'm stronger in order to give some time back to them. I carry way too much stress to bear without cracking, so talking is an extremely good release.
I have realised that a lot of my symptoms are down to the "shock" of adrenaline, which seems to poison me. Realising this has made a big difference.
The blips are less frequent, less powerful and don't last as long these days. I am definitely, definitely improving across the board.
An interesting scenario: I'm stuck between being disabled with anxiety/autism, and breaking the "glass barrier" these conditions create, which would lead to recovery and rehabilitation.
At the moment I'm neither one thing nor the other, I'm not totally disabled but I'm not completely fixed, and for someone like me this is rather dodgy and unpleasant. Google "cognitive dissonance" for an interesting read.
I seem to have struck up a friendship with the girl at my local petrol station. I suffer very bad anxiety when talking to someone I like but I managed it! She's got a boyfriend, but she also works in a bar and she offered me free drinks. She was playing with her hair while talking to me. It's not going to go anywhere, but it is helpful to me, and it's always good to have a new friend.
It's good to hear that things are improving for you. I always enjoy reading your posts - they are so well written and show that you have such a good understanding of yourself. I hope you continue on this happy road x
Catherine S
26-03-16, 23:21
My sentiments exactly 23fish :yesyes:
ISB
Thank you both, it means a lot!
I did something I said I'd never do. I'm very lonely, so I joined Tinder, a dating app. I got one match more or less straight away, which I gather is quite good (online dating is extremely difficult for a man as it is very hard to get much attention), and now have several more. I've been exchanging messages with my first match for a couple of hours. She's pretty and seems like a nice person but it turns out she has quite a serious disability. While I'm hardly going to be put off by that, I'm worried I'll do what I usually do and go charging straight into a relationship.
My relationships have all been really exciting and are quite often the talk of the unit at work, as I manage to find women as crazy as I am (which is no mean feat, I'm pretty famous for being "a character"), but almost without exception it ends up with me being very hurt. Sometimes it even ends up with sworn vengeance, but fortunately not all my girlfriends come from Salem.
Well, I've started this, so we might as well see where it leads. I haven't been murdered yet; maybe my luck will continue to hold!
Thank you both, it means a lot!
I did something I said I'd never do. I'm very lonely, so I joined Tinder, a dating app. I got one match more or less straight away, which I gather is quite good (online dating is extremely difficult for a man as it is very hard to get much attention), and now have several more. I've been exchanging messages with my first match for a couple of hours. She's pretty and seems like a nice person but it turns out she has quite a serious disability. While I'm hardly going to be put off by that, I'm worried I'll do what I usually do and go charging straight into a relationship.
My relationships have all been really exciting and are quite often the talk of the unit at work, as I manage to find women as crazy as I am (which is no mean feat, I'm pretty famous for being "a character"), but almost without exception it ends up with me being very hurt. Sometimes it even ends up with sworn vengeance, but fortunately not all my girlfriends come from Salem.
Well, I've started this, so we might as well see where it leads. I haven't been murdered yet; maybe my luck will continue to hold!
Married man here but I know a few folks that have used/are using tinder. The word on the street is there's a reason it's called "Tinder"..... it burns easily! Great if you want a hook up or speed dating though.
Positive thoughts
I was on tinder and pof, I just seemed to attract all the married/ single men who are after a hook up ! I must have that kind of face lol
Let's see your face then and see what type of face you've got. Everyone together: "Photo! Photo! Photo!" Hehe x
I've heard that loads of men are creeps on dating sites. Why would someone go on a dating site when they're in a relationship? It wounds my aspergers mind.
I've got a date! The girl I've been talking to seems nice. To be honest a lot of women I've spoken to on dating sites are really boring, they have no conversational skills, and at first the person I'm meeting was like that, but she's warmed up a lot.
I have also figured out why I have so many problems with nutters. I'm genuine, when almost no-one else is, and I try to make people feel good about themselves. You'd think this was a good thing, but some people are so broken that they try to break you too.
---------- Post added at 19:21 ---------- Previous post was at 16:54 ----------
Addendum to the above. I have now got quite a few matches and am chatting with several people. This is going against my aspie code of honour as I consider this to be tantamount to cheating, even though I'm not in a relationship with anyone. The aspie code is rather inflexible.
For all the complaining I do about dating sites, I seem to do really well on them, considering lots of men find dating sites worthless and frustrating. I guess I must be easier to like than I think, and when I stop consciously trying to think what to say to people and let my brain prolapse onto the page, I seem to get results.
Go, broken aspie brain. Go.
Ok, this is where my recovery diary turns into a bloody novel again.
I've had to say "bonjour" to the girl from Tinder as she was crazy and was bringing me down. This has led to a lot of questions. These are my answers based on the knowledge I have now. They are not meant to be inflammatory, arrogant, rude etc, but they are blunt:
* Why do women use online dating?
Men typically have to make the first move because "it's tradition" (a neat way of sidestepping gender equality?). With online dating, we don't have to go through the horror of approaching someone we don't know, and if a woman is on a dating site, she is (probably) single and looking for sex or a relationship or both, no mystery.
Many women I've spoken to on dating sites make out that they "pull" (attract other people) all the time. Why would a woman who can go out and, without making any effort, pull three men in one night need to go on a dating site? Sorry, it doesn't add up.
My opinion is they are 1: Less popular than they say and 2: Having some kind of problem in life, even if it's just having young kids which means they can't socialise. Of course, there's also 3: They really do pull all the time but only meet morons -- although why they think online dating will be different is beyond me? Surely it's more dangerous?
* Why do women use online dating if they're not going to go on any dates?
I've found that both parties arriving for the date is like finding the holy grail. I've lost count of the number of times a woman suddenly disappears, or suddenly cancels, a day or two before the date. Other times, as in this case, the conversation suddenly breaks down and that's that.
Maybe sometimes I've upset them or scared them off; sometimes they've done the same to me, and I just stop messaging them. I am pretty sure the majority are players who want loads of men messaging them, while some will be staff, some will be men pretending to be women and some will be bots. (Some women have told me they use dating sites to "talk to friends" - a sure sign she is leading men on. Who uses dating sites to make penpals?) EDIT: I forgot, most people on dating sites (of either gender) are players and probably have several dates arranged.
Whatever's the case, I've now learned to stop telling people I've got a date, as that is the kiss of death, nearly every time.
* Why can't women on dating websites make conversation?
This is the biggie for me -- women send very short messages that you can't do anything with. They send closed replies and ask closed questions. As an aspie, I hate idle chit-chat (although I am okay at it), and a woman replying "Haha x" to everything is definitely idle chit chat and seems rather rude. You don't find much out about people with closed conversation, it's like they don't really care or think they'll somehow be harmed by telling me stuff. Do they think I'm Michael Myers?
On the plus side, when I start doing this back, women who are interested will sometimes raise their game a bit, but honestly, genuine, interesting conversation is rare.
* What is it about me that brings out the inner nutcase in people?
This will sound arrogant, but compared to the number of responses, messages, matches, meet mes etc that other men seem to get, I'm Hugh Hefner. However, I get treated as if I'm Herman Munster. So while I get more initial attention than some men, I get about the same number of actual dates.
The more a woman likes me initially, the deeper she'll be corrupted by the Powers of Chaos. I am probably doing a lot wrong (such as using online dating in the first place!) - I get on with most people, but I am stubborn and I don't take kindly to people who play games with me. I think my messages sometimes get misinterpreted, and I frequently miss warning signs in the things people say to me, or in the way they act towards me.
My friends and family say I get in way over my head too quickly, and I tend to take on the problems of people who have no intention of taking on mine. And I typically end up with the first person who will date me, which is not really a guarantee that we'll be a long-term match.
I guess my next post will be some kind of self-analysis, so I can see what I'm doing wrong. This will be invaluable -- I can't carry on the way things are now, I'm gonna be 40 soon and I don't like cats very much.
My apologies for anyone who finds this post offensive.
I've got a job interview next week!
I haven't spoken much about my real-world issues. I'm currently off work sick as I am desperately unhappy there and feel manoeuvred into a corner by my employers, and the medication has changed me so much I lost the plot for a while. This led to my involvement with some very bad women. I'm effectively being stalked, or at least harassed, by a former friend - let's call her Asmunda (the human name of a daemon from a Warhammer novel, heh). If I go back to work I reckon I could be dismissed. I certainly can't go back to being on Asmunda's team. I'm desperately in debt, I can't work full time due to my conditions, and the DWP decided I don't need any further support. Getting a new job will turn my life around - it will solve lots of problems at once.
After making last night's post about online dating, I decided to turn the questions around on myself. I must be making critical mistakes in the way I behave, and it's time to figure out what they are.
* Why do I use online dating?
I find it extremely difficult to speak to people I don't know, particularly women. To talk to a woman I'm attracted to, especially to ask her out, is effectively impossible. Online dating takes this impossibility away, but I still don't send many messages out and tend to get frustrated and fed up within 1-2 days.
My ex girlfriend said that when she joined Plenty of Fish, she met someone for sex the same day she joined. I find that in order to even meet someone for a drink, we usually exchange messages for 1-2 weeks. That said, once things get going, they move faster than I can cope with, like calling me "babe" before we've met, offering sex on the first date (but usually within the first few messages, long before meeting) and announcing love or introducing me to their kids on our second date. Many also play mind games and are probably dating other men. EDIT: I have encountered women who wanted to meet straight away. This was invariably a mistake as they were not looking for a relationship.
I therefore use online dating because I am afraid of approaching women I don't know in real life. Instead of summoning "20 seconds of the most insane courage", I put up with weeks of hassle and abuse, considering that to be the "easier option". Wow.
* What do I do that brings out the bad side in people?
I get into people's heads. I don't know how I do this, or why. I think it's a defensive mechanism: I am looking for ways to please people. I can find hidden goodness in people, but I also find hidden violence, or trauma, or nastiness.
I am 100% sure that much of it comes from the man-hatred society has these days. All my friends are girls, and every day on Facebook is a bombardment of pictures showing what men should do for women, and that men are inferior to women, and that women don't need men but men need women. Everything, everything, is somehow a man's fault. Their lives turn to bullshit not because of their own obnoxious behaviour, but because men are too crazy and stupid to see how perfect they are, and are somehow oppressing them.
I'm not sure how I come across online. But in the real world I am known to care too much (most of the time). When I get close to a woman, I don't (usually) make sex banter, I don't call her beautiful or treat her like a princess. I hang out with her. I learn from her. But I give a lot of affection and attention: I message and call, I play with their hair, I sing songs to them, I defend them against men a lot scarier than I am. I share my journey, my vulnerabilities, my tears and my happiness. And this completely screws people up.
They don't know how to cope with me because I'm outside their prior experience. They can't learn me, or adapt to me, because they just don't live like that: they're "happy" as they are, and they don't change for no man. A human being of either gender who genuinely wishes to grow and improve is rare. They simply aren't used to someone who loves them for who they are and doesn't want to control or corrupt them.
I therefore come in for serious abuse, stalking behaviour and harrassment because they know I give a damn. This is a really messed-up world we're living in, where people hurt the ones they love.
I'm taking a break now but the self-analysis must continue.
I had one of the best ever "therapy" sessions today. I saw my life coach and we discussed dating and relationships. I told her what happened with the girl from Tinder, that we'd arranged a date, had a disagreement and blocked each other on Whatsapp and Tinder.
She explained a great deal about dating from a woman's perspective, and said that the girl I'd been speaking to sounded genuine. This may be why I misunderstood the girl's behaviour -- I've been with some very bad people and I just do not know how to recognise someone who is decent. My life coach taught me how to look at dating from the point of view of a woman, especially one who's been through bad times, and she taught me the difference between the behaviour of a decent person, and that of an alley-cat.
She urged me to contact this girl again, even though I believed all hope was lost.
I sent a text message to the girl saying that I now understand how my actions affected her, and that I misinterpreted her and failed to understand her. I believed she was the same as people from my past, but she is nothing like them, and I shouldn't have judged her the way I did.
I said that I humbly apologise and asked if she wanted to get to know me all over again.
She accepted my apology. We've been messaging for the last four hours. We agreed to cool things down and get to know each other gradually, then meet next week for coffee.
So it's true: my way wasn't working, and there is a better way of conducting myself. I have snatched victory from the jaws of defeat and I've learned that there are good people out there. Now I know how to recognise them.
It's hard being an aspie-especially on social media and on dating sites when it's impossible to gauge nuances of meaning. Take things slowly and steadily and good luck!
Hi Pulisa. Thanks, I will :D
I'm in a blip! As usual, there are about ten factors, including the job interview, having to go to my current employer next week to discuss my return to work, my over-tiredness and my online dating experiences. I don't have many blips any more, and it's shocking to revert to how I used to be, even if it's only temporary.
If anything, I think it's the change in perspective following my life coaching that's triggered the blip. Change is very difficult to cope with, even when it improves my life.
The girl from Tinder says she likes how I realised my mistake and then fought to get her back. We're still talking and have slowed things down. My new understanding seems to be paying off on Tinder as I am talking to about six people at once and I get replies to virtually every first message I send out. This definitely strains my sense of honour, but to be honest, I've been played so many times I've got to keep my options open, and all or most of the women I'm talking to will be doing exactly the same. I might end up adding a section about online dating to the Citalopram Survival Guide, but to be honest I'm not sure why I do "well". I must come across much better than I thought I do.
Online dating, though... it feels like I'm cheating on people I barely know, or that I'm doing something immoral. It's not really for aspies.
It isn't really, No Poet. Have confidence in yourself offline? Don't try too hard?
I'm trying, Pulisa, but I guess I don't really know how to have confidence in myself. If I act confident I am occasionally told I'm arrogant. If I don't act confident I get ignored, overlooked or used. Finding the balance is gonna be a journey in itself.
I've just been invited to a second job interview! The trouble is, they want to see evidence of my school and college grades, and I kind of exaggerated my success...
This is why aspies don't usually lie, the universe loves biting us in the arse!
I've had to say goodbye to the girl I was supposed to be dating as she was a nightmare. I have deleted quite a few of the other people from Tinder as well. A couple hadn't responded to my messages, but most make very one-sided conversation that I cannot really do anything with. They don't ask any questions, they respond with very closed answers, they just hold everything back and show no trace of personality or spark of excitement.
I also got a drunken message last night from some woman telling me I've got a pretty face. I appreciate the sentiment, but it would be nice to be complimented by someone who is sober for a change - I tend to be the bloke women only notice when they're plastered.
Maybe this isn't because I am second-rate, or only attractive through beer goggles. I've been told by friends I can come across as TOO confident, as in I don't need anyone else and am happy doing my own thing. Not everyone knows themselves as well as I do, and they said this can be intimidating. This is interesting, as it contradicts how I generally feel - my self-worth is very low.
In other news, I've got quite a bit of writing done and I seem to have vanquished the blip. This phase of my life is all about starting again and rebuilding from scratch. It's proving difficult, frustrating and rather unrewarding, but then again, these are only the foundations. Success, when or if it comes, should be all the sweeter because of it.
Just a reminder... Tinder in literal sense is a material used to start a fire. The dating app is "Tinder" name is fitting because while you can start the fires of love and lust (mostly the former), you're also playing with emotional fire. I've used online dating and I met my wife through POF so there are some merits to it BUT like I also said, I have some war stories to tell as well. Get yourself straight and in a good state of mind to deal with the inevitable BS that you will encounter and be careful... don't get burned!
Positive thoughts
Thanks Fishmanpa. I'd wager your success story is one of the few; the majority of men and women using dating sites seem to have significant problems, primarily that they're not looking for dates or relationships. But I salute you and wish you happiness :)
That said, I have a date in two days but I'm sweating it because she is gorgeous and a bit older than me. I am constantly worried I am going to put her off somehow - it's the classic self worth issue, and it's definitely been making me feel low, scared and depressed. But the only way out is through. So I'm phoning her tonight and hopefully I'll become more confident.
I really am having outrageous luck with Tinder. It buries Plenty of Nutters. I just got a message now from a stunning young woman who seems to have the same interests as myself, and another has been hammering me with messages as she loves the same TV programmes and she's a car nut. I've also become quite close to a fourth person but she is way more laid back than I am, and it's developing very slowly. I still feel like I'm somehow misleading or cheating on people.
I definitely don't judge people by their looks, but ever since I cut my hair, started dressing better and started smiling and looking people in the eye, I have had attention from a lot of women I would normally have thought "out of my league" due to their looks, experience, confidence or popularity. It sucks that I cannot afford more life coaching or behavioural therapy, and my self worth issues are pretty serious. I might have been a popular person, instead of lonely and frequently bored.
I also can never go back to my current job. The senior management want to open an investigation into "Asmunda", the colleague I've been having problems with. The manager also said she felt that I am not well enough (emotionally, mentally) to come back yet, which was a surprise. If they get Asmunda in a room she is going to go apeshit and there is no way on Earth I can face what she'll start.
So depending on what happens tomorrow, I may be typing my notice and handing it in on Thursday, and never going back to that witch-haunted viper's nest again.
Job Interview
I had a job interview yesterday. I didn't get the job.
The Date
I also had a date yesteday. She was amazing, too good to be true - quite literally. She was the only woman I've ever spoken to via online dating that knows how to communicate with a man. I didn't realise how rare this is. It was the best first date I've ever had, and I was uncharacteristically gooey-eyed over her, which she seemed to love. We had some very passionate kisses, we both got horny, then she dropped the bombshell.
She says she finds me attractive in every way, loved kissing me and wants to see me again, and can see herself in a relationship with me. However, she can't see me again for a while as she has "a few other dates lined up" and her "life is getting complicated" because of them.
While I can be brutally honest with people, I am certainly not used to the opposite sex being this honest with me, and I found it condescending and rather insulting. I said I've recently come out of a relationship with a player and do not want the same hurt and humiliation from anyone else. So I thanked her from her honesty, and she's now joined the growing blocked list on my social media. I did wish her "good luck with the other five".
Unfortunately, she is not the only bad experience I've had in the last ten days. The only positive has been the number of women who responded to me, or messaged me first, but ultimately this came to nothing.
I have deleted Tinder and am finished with online dating forever. Online dating simply doesn't work for an honest man who wants a relationship. It apparently can work for players who want sex - most of the women I've met wanted first date sex. Really it's a tool which only works for women, and the question remains, why would a popular, attractive woman use online dating?
It occurs that I am still living life in an autistic, anxious way. I'm falling back on pointless or negative habits like online dating. I'm spending time chasing women when I should have been looking for a job. And the women have, as predicted, played their games and run rings round me, because I think and behave in a straight line. Honour is not a concept most people understand, and it's certainly not something they respect.
Work
I don't really want a job. I know I need one, but most jobs just sound like they suck in every way. I'm in a real situation here. And I certainly can't go back to my old job, not now.
I've become way too negative, too cynical, too hardened. I definitely have a problem with the opposite sex now. I act from the expectation of failure. Effectively it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is a very tough time, and I need to make fundamental changes to get out of it.
It's time to stop running.
I'm returning to work next week. I'll face whatever disciplinary procedures they want to put in place for the mistakes I've made and the vast period of absence. They aren't going to sack me, and in fact they have offered me a slightly beneficial change of hours.
I'm going to ask to change teams to get away from "Asmunda" (which is something they're already thinking about) and see if they can change my shift pattern altogether. The company is in trouble because of redundancies elsewhere and now the existing staff are constantly being bombarded by calls, so I am also going to ask for an increase in working hours. Even 4 hours a week will be hugely beneficial, and if I can get 25 hours a week I'm sorted.
In the meantime I will apply for jobs at a slower pace so that I don't burn out or get super stressed.
I am avoiding dating altogether and I am going to instead focus on creating new friendships at work and rebuilding ones that have lapsed or been burned. I also intend to figure out exactly why I get stalked, harassed and generally treated like an idiot by certain members of the opposite sex. Every man has horror stories which they are usually reluctant to tell, but I have way more horror stories than anyone I know of either gender.
I believe it's because I behave decently, which they don't trust or understand any more than I trust/understand decency from them. I also get too close to people, and even my friendships become very physical, with an inappropriate amount of kissing, hugging, hair stroking, flirting and sex talk. Effectively I am giving out "come and get me" signals, at the same time as I'm sending "touch me and die".
I also say "no" to a lot of people who are used to the world falling at their feet. This is not going to change, and I am just going to have to become strong enough to deal with the tantrums and bitterness my honest and straightforward stance can provoke.
My honour is not for sale.
My downhill slide has not only been halted, I seem to be gaining strength once more. This has followed my decision to return to work, but it's also followed my unsuccessful date.
My family and best friend all think I'm nuts for turning her down, but as I said, I have had some very damaging relationship experiences and there was no other way a person in my situation could react.
I consider myself to have some form of trauma related to my experiences over the last year. Trying to find a relationship under these circumstances is only going to make things worse as a relationship founded in trauma will collapse in the first few weeks.
I seem to have "scratched the itch" to meet people. I've proven that I can communicate better than I used to. I am more understanding of others. On the other hand I am also less forgiving and less tolerant.
I think I am becoming abusive myself: I can be snappy, impatient and very hostile with my family, especially my dad. This needs to stop now or I'll become like my ex girlfriend, and only perpetuate the pain she created.
This may actually be my greatest test since I became ill with anxiety all those years ago, as it will decide what kind of man I become for the rest of my life.
Are you back to work tomorrow? How long have you been off? I hope it goes really well for you x
Hi 23fish! Thank you! I've been off now for approximately 5 weeks, and I've realised this much free time is what's done most of the damage! People with anxiety or obsessive/repetitive thoughts or behaviour must be kept occupied, not allowed to stew in their own worry!
I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow. I fully intended to go in. However I've got a job interview right in the middle of my shift, and it's for a handsomely-paid admin job with the NHS, and if I can get in there I'm probably sorted for life (considering 1 in every 2 NHS staff seems to be some kind of highly paid manager or senior administrator). It will destroy so many worries and problems if I get this job.
I am very concerned about the threat of retaliation from "Asmunda" at work when my managers start grievance procedures against her. I suffer from severe arthritis, I don't have violent friends and I don't think like a murderer, so I will most likely be vulnerable to whatever she does and I will probably be unable to defend myself or my family.
She appears to suffer from severe, pronounced bipolar disorder (which may or may not be linked to borderline personality disorder). She hears screaming from an unrecognised voice in her head. She has a history of stalking and mental abuse against men. Literally the only reason she hasn't come after me in this manner is I never slept with her. (This is one benefit of being a man who turns down "easy sex", the other being a sense of empowered self-respect.) These are the reasons I am unhappy my employer is proceeding with the grievance.
I've drawn up a list of things to discuss with my employer and I am asking for a phased return to work, with a change of teams and working hours. I haven't discussed it yet as it depends whether I get the NHS job tomorrow.
The NHS job sounds perfect. I'll have everything crossed for you x
Thank you, let's hope I don't screw it up :)
It means a lot that people are supporting me. Not everyone is going to agree with or like everything I say, but I'll be able to look back on these tough times and see how far I came to beat them.
Had my interview at the nhs. I was in there for less than 15 minutes. They were ticking items off a sheet, there were some items left unticked and I didn't know anything about something which may be essential to the role.
So, poor preparation and nerves may have got the better of me.
I used to be good at job interviews!
Edit: I rang my boss today to advise her I want to come back next week and that I want to work with her to make sure I am always in compliance with what my employer wants. I have spent most of my life doing whatever the hell I want, and this is why I am constantly in opposition to the rest of the world.
I've been told repeatedly I need to "play the game". Rather than continue to fight this, and get depressed about it, it's time to look upon this as a new challenge and a new way of life.
Got a phone call from the NHS - they said they liked how I came across and said I gave a good interview, but I "didn't score highly enough" as I "didn't provide as much detail with my answers as the other applicants".
I have realised exactly where I'm going wrong in life.
I've spent so long ignoring my own instincts and listening to other people's opinions. Shave your stubble off. Don't talk too much. Don't over-share. Dress like this, not like that. Do your hair like this, not like that. She doesn't like you in that way, she's just being friendly. I have lost potential jobs and potential relationships because I am trying to be someone I'm not.
When I go on dates, my brain literally explodes everywhere, I talk too much, I talk too fast, I laugh at my own jokes and am generally snogging my date's face off within an hour. They nearly always want to see me again. In my interview in 2013 I described myself as "a weapon - just point me at the target and let me go", and I got that job, the interviewer thought my comment was hilarious and ballsy. I trust people too much, love people too soon. And I stopped doing all of these things, and my life began to suck.
I contacted an old friend who I fell out with last year and thanked her, in hindsight, for being my only true friend through a dark and lonely time. I apologised sincerely for cutting her out. I said I love her loads and miss her every day. I offered to be here for her whenever she needs me. I told her every time I hear a certain song I think about the friendship we cultivated and used to treasure - and then I sent her the Potato Song from Lord of the Rings.
Needless to say, we are now friends again.
I'm no longer everyone's bitch. I'm the No Poet, I don't kiss the universe's arse, and I run from nothing and no-one, especially from myself. I've fought my way from the darkest depths and I will overcome. I will strive. I don't care if it takes days or decades, I will banish the generalised anxiety disorder, I will tame my ADHD and I will re-program my asperger traits.
I spread hope, not hate.
I'm back.
My doctor is now arranging what may turn out to be the lifetime, fully comprehensive support I have always needed.
My blood pressure has returned to normal levels and I am no longer considered at risk.
"Asmunda" has been spreading crap about me at work, but I trust people to know that anything I might have done or said was due to her provocation and general nastiness. I no longer fear her and in fact feel a bit sorry for her.
My anxiety and intrusive thoughts seem under better control and I am coping a lot better in general.
I am connecting better with old friends and no longer feel so alone. Nor do I feel in conflict with the world. The improvement in stress and anxiety levels is pronounced.
Good to hear such a positive post today. What is the support your GP is arranging? Let's hope you don't have to wait too long x
Hi 23fish, thank you :D
It's support for every aspect of my life: therapy, support getting my own place, advice on what support and benefits I may be entitled to, etc. This should help me stay in employment and will finally enable me to move out of my parent's house (I'm nearly 37 and while I've stayed with girlfriends for like a week at a time, I've never moved out of my parent's house.) It will also involve social support, so I'll no longer end up in short-term relationships with nutcases, I won't make so many social faux pas and eventually I'll be able to get a better, full-time job.
Work are going to phase me back in and I now have every 6th Saturday off as part of shift changes. I'll find out soon whether I can get an increase in my hours which will help with the money worries.
I downloaded Terraria on the PC for seven quid on Steam and literally cannot stop playing it -- my arthritis is significantly worsening as I'm sat in my uncomfortable computer chair for hours at a time. I'm trying to get out more and be more social, to combat this.
My brother, who suffers from schizophrenia, seems to spend all day every day doing nothing. I bought two Playstations, a link lead and two copies of Doom and Final Doom, and when it all arrives we are going to co-op the hell out of it, like we used to do with friends back in the 90s. For all that we loved the games, my brother and I never played together on co-op. It will be a way of reconnecting with happier memories and will give my brother something to do. I plan to get him out into the world more in future.
Back at work tomorrow. I'm quite tense, but have been far less anxious or distressed than I used to be about work, as my attitude and perspective have changed a lot. The next couple of days are going to be easy as I won't be doing much; I've been off for so long I need re-training. This is going to be really weird, and getting up at 6.30am is gonna be hard...
I am genuinely worried about encountering that girl again. To adapt a quote from Rambo, "God knows what damage she's prepared to do". And I have changed so much I will be re-learning everyone from scratch. I will have to figure out how to behave, and be careful what I say to people. The first few weeks will be an exercise in damage limitation, and I'll be rebuilding some burned bridges.
I have realised that a lot of the problems I have at work are related to avoidance. I am essentially trying to get the working day over with by pretending I'm not there, which is why I make mistakes and do things I shouldn't do. I need to face up to the anxiety I feel when I'm at work and just deal with it, and not keep avoiding it or pretending I'm not there.
I've started writing out my novel submissions. As usual, now I'm writing for someone else instead of just my own pleasure, I'm finding it frustrating, stressful and anxiety-provoking. This is another problem I've always had. I need to stop letting the stress knock me off-course, and learn to slow down and take my time.
Hope it goes well tomorrow. You sound so well prepared. Take your time and remember, this time tomorrow you will have done the hardest day x
Thank you! It means a lot to have your support :D
Well, that certainly wasn't what I was expecting! Forget my earlier complaint that men don't get compliments, I got loads today for turning up in a suit with my new rugged look, and I even made a couple of my friends blush by complimenting them back!
I got invited on a night out on the 30th.
I was offered sex by two of my colleagues! Jokingly of course, but I am pretty sure they'll be serious on the 30th when we're drunk, because that's how ladies seem to "play the game". Joke when sober to get the idea into his head, then when drunk you can go for it and blame the alcohol (or him). Thing is, I really like one of them, so I would go for it if given a chance.
I somewhat exaggerated my success with women while I've been off and they completely believed it, which is very flattering, and I learned some very interesting things about the way they see me from their comments about it!
An extraordinary day, well worth the crappy four hours of sleep I managed to get due to nerves.
Sounds like a good day. Hope the rest of the week continues in the same way x
It was a really good day! :D
I'm wearing my suit with a black shirt and no tie, and I've been getting stares from some of the ladies! My confidence has swung from near zero to sky high. I've never had so many compliments. I guess men don't usually take that much pride in their appearance, so maybe women notice the few who do?
I'm going on my next night out wearing the clothes I'm wearing now!
Additional to the above.
I had a very sobering return to work interview lasting 90 minutes. It was a good meeting but left me emotionally exhausted, and I learned too much to process:
* I am seen as a bit of a player due to the number (and, ironically, the severity) of relationship issues I've had!
* I give way too much attention (romantic and sexual) to some of my colleagues and in some cases it is "messing with their heads" -- the management feel this is why the whole Asmunda shitstorm kicked off. Effectively, I'm making people dependent on me. This is also ironic, as I used to be the one depending on others, and I've been the one complaining people are messing with MY head. I need to dial it down and look at the impact I'm having on others.
* They said I am one of the best advisors on the unit! But my stats are crap and I don't do what anyone tells me, so on paper, I look like one of the worst. I also cause chaos every day, and while literally no-one has any complaints (because it brightens a boring job), other people's performance suffers because they're talking to me -- the unit just grinds to a halt.
We're going to work closely together so I can work with my employers, not against them, and improve my stats across the board. (I won't actually be working this week, I'm pairing up with people to gradually ease myself back into the job. It's changed a lot in six weeks.)
They said my future with the company, and my level of success, is "entirely up to me". I've got some serious work to do, but they still believe I can be the best even after all the crap I've caused.
What a mess!
It's good that your employers were so open and honest with you. I would take some time to think through what they said and then go along with what they suggest. I do that all the time at work _ just tick the boxes and think about payday! X
They were honest, and they told me this to help me, not to hurt my feelings. I guess I just never saw myself the way others do. I've wondered for a while if any of us are the person we believe ourselves to be.
I've got volunteer work with the NHS tomorrow and at Healthwatch soon. Life just got busy again.
I've missed the buzz from other people. I've missed the energy and excitement of being at work. Maybe on some level I have sensed the effect I've had on others, and without it, it's like an addict not having access to his drugs. I'm not a bad person and I don't want to hurt anyone. I guess I just need to learn to live without the Chaos, and enjoy the peace?
I guess I just need to learn to live without the Chaos, and enjoy the peace?
That's a very interesting statement. There are some people (and I know and have known many) that thrive on chaos or any other word you want to describe it. Some cause it in a negative way and some, while it's not detrimental in the negative sense, are just disruptive even without intent. Some people create drama just to feed the rush it gives them (ever watch Jerry Springer?) but like you said, your behaviors aren't/weren't malicious in any way, they just pointed out out the disruption it causes.
You're obviously liked and they see your potential. Refocusing the positive energy you possess could prove to be very beneficial for your career.
Positive thoughts
Yeah that's exactly it. I thrive on the chaos, because there was always chaos in my head and I needed to create more "fuel" for it, as I crashed when the chaos stopped. That was a block to my recovery. I'm now learning how to live in peace.
By creating chaos, I seem to have dragged everyone with me. I guess it's like a kind of vortex, or gravity. Instead of using this to help people and settle in a relationship, I've kind of trailed them behind me, complaining that no-one noticed me or cared about me while I was disregarding their feelings.
The way I see myself has completely changed, which in itself is difficult, but the way I see others has changed too. I must be very careful how I conduct myself.
I thought women weren't supposed to be that interested in men or sex, so why does it "mess with their heads" when I hint that I want sex or sing songs for them? My advice to men: don't sing to women, especially songs that use their name a lot, it will get you in trouble later on.
Heh, my phone changes chaos to Chaos because it's learned how much I talk about 40K :P
Again, very interesting post. I mentioned I had some internet dating war stories and what you're talking about is familiar to me. Personally, I'm not the chaotic type. In general, I'm a pretty chill guy but for some reason, I always ended up with the woman that were chaotic (in the broad sense of the word). Lot's of drama and intensity... I don't what it was but I was attracted to it or it seemed to find me. The women that drove made me crazy were the ones I found I was most attracted to. I was in a long term relationship with a woman who turned out to be bi-polar along with some other things... She was absolutely beautiful but she would push every button I had too. It was during those times that the physical passion was the most intense.
I recall in therapy talking about it and he said "Did you ever think you're actually that way yourself?" That took me back and I countered with what I said prior about being pretty chill and he said "But for some reason you desire it or want it in your life... Why?". Whoa! That was a wake up call!
From that point on, whenever I would meet someone and things got interesting, I would bring up mental health and ask certain questions to ascertain their situation. By doing so I was able to avoid the "chaos" so to speak. Doing so also allowed me to meet my wife who is the most wonderful person I've ever met and the polar opposite of chaotic. She's cuckoo in the sense of being an artist but in a goofy and very charming way.
So I really think you're onto something. It's about changing your mindset, being conscious of your behaviors and why you do them.
Positive thoughts
Mate, I could ask you questions about that all day. Until this epiphany, I thought women were the ones who chased dangerous and undesirable people - it's the eternal lament of the "nice guy". I didn't think there was any such thing as a "bad girl", and I definitely don't think they're as common as "bad boys", but I think there are still plenty out there.
The way it was explained to me (by a woman) is that men know when they've met a crazy woman, but they "ignore it" and "put up with it" because that's "how the game is played" (a phrase I have heard endlessly these last few months). I believe men are far less choosy about who they're with, as some men have very strong sex drives which overrides all warning signs or other considerations, and to be fair, dating, relationships and sex are simply a "numbers game" for men for many, many reasons. It's harder for us to actually get with someone and we are expected to do a lot of work and put up with a lot of crap. I personally hate trying to get a girlfriend and that's why I have put up with atrocious abuse when I get one.
Women are supposedly "programmed" to be choosy about their partners, so they are far less ignorant of bad behaviour, and I suppose there's the threat aspect, where men are typically more threatening than women, so men are less likely to run screaming as soon as their girlfriend loses it. And also, since men make the first move and we've been socialised to act like the cast of american pie, women simply have more choice and more opportunity than we do.
My friend said that she is shy, doesn't need sex much and doesn't really enjoy socialising. She said "I'd still be a virgin if I was a man". She said "It's sod's law that men want it and have to work for it, but women aren't particularly bothered and can get it when they want it". EDIT: I don't know many men, and in fairness most of them don't seem to have problems meeting women, but from what little I know of peoples' lives, my female friends are typically having more sex, even though they "don't need men" and have 20 times less testosterone and all have kids. When men get into relationships they seem to stop needing sex. How much do men actually need sex? Probably not as much as they think they do! Behold the phenomena of supply and demand...
Now I seem to have dropped dynamite in the middle of human convention, because I am the man who is addicted to bad girls. You too, Fishmanpa. We're anomalies. The human race doesn't like anomalies. We make them think, and most of them don't seem to want to think about anything. I "mess with their heads" by noticing the colour of their eyes, and singing songs about them, and running to them when I'm upset or afraid, and by not having sex with them under any circumstances. (I'm not sure which of the things I do attracts trouble the most. How can NOT having sex, and NOT kissing, and NOT getting into a relationship cause more drama?)
I misinterpret the actions of nice girls and find them bland, boring and moving too slow. Bad girls are typically more intelligent and have charisma, they frequently pursue us and they're not just "nappy-changing machines".
Of course a woman who pursues men is gonna have success -- it doesn't happen often for men, so if he realises someone is hitting on him, he'll take things as far as he can go (probably inflating her ego, but he'll be the one who everyone thinks of as being the one with the ego).
Why are humans such a mess? I can tell you right now why so many people have mental health problems. Everyone's lying to people, and many are lying to themselves as well. The truth can be terrifying, but fear can be faced. Why remain trapped in a lie? I choose not to, I choose the truth, and that's why I am recovering. EDIT: Even though it may not seem like it, and doesn't always feel like it.
Volunteering went very well today, as I was representing Healthwatch in a one-man assessment of a medical facility. It was a brilliant experience and it was very rewarding.
I am volunteering at Healthwatch tomorrow manning their phone as they have become inundated with work.
I may have made a mistake. I contacted an old flame (call her "Veronica") and invited her on the night out next week. I've always had a massive crush on her, and while she's told me in the past she wants to be just friends, she is very possessive towards me and when drunk she once implied she wanted to get intimate, which I declined, as I'm not wanting to be used.
I'm not sure why I did this as I should really be moving on from her. But she's said she would like to come. She's a total stunner, and the last time we all went out, everyone thought she was my girlfriend.
I know truth is more important than illusion, but illusion can be a powerful tool...
I'm potentially in serious trouble at work. They're investigating me for a new (potentially fifth) concurrent disciplinary.
My conversation at work regarding sex on Monday has been reported by one of the women involved as making her feel "weird" and "disgusted". I emphasised that she didn't seem weirded out or disgusted when she was taking part in it and telling her friends about it.
I believe my team manager gave me some kind of coded warning about this during my return to work interview on Tuesday, where she said I should keep my distance from my female colleagues and not get into any kind of flirting etc, as I never knew who would make a sexual harrasment claim against me.
I won't go into details as this is personal and humiliating. I definitely have a sense of someone having their cake and eating it - exactly the same as the women I've dated or had relationships with over the last year. I feel like I'M the one who has been sexually harassed.
I reckon they'll sack me for this as they appear to operate a zero tolerance policy. I may have to quit my job on Monday morning.
I've had a massive showdown with my parents over what's happened at work. I and my female colleagues are in real trouble with the company. In fact, I could have been suspended by now and I think I will lose my job over this. I haven't revealed some of the things that happened. I should have told my parents everything but couldn't face it. They would react much worse - they typically make a bad situation into a disaster for me.
Trouble, danger and excitement seem to follow me around. I am not the instigator a lot of the time. In fact, in this instance I think I am the victim. I feel violated and dirty, like I've been the victim of some kind of sexual degredation by what happened yesterday. What happened on Monday was fun and banter between friends. It was inappropriate and it's bitten us in the arse. My employers have breached the Equality Act and sex discrimination law over the way they've handled it but in fairness my role in it has been "downgraded", although I am still at risk of dismissal.
I was back at work for ONE DAY when this kicked off. I need to leave and not go back, and I've known that for months.
Without the support of my parents, who yet again are actively blaming me and do not appear to care about what's happening to me because they seem to think I deserve it, I'm going to hand my notice in tomorrow. It's time I was done with this wretched job and the users and betrayers and nutcases, before I end up dead or ruined.
I need to leave home as well. My parents are incapable of supporting or understanding me and I need help, not blame or punishment or judgement. It's time to forge my own way, and become completely independent.
I've written my notice and several complaints to go along with it. I've been very careful with the wording on my notice as future employers can request to see letters of resignation when requesting references.
My human rights have not been respected and I have been thrown under the bus while the women involved were not being investigated until my representative pointed out that the company's investigation breached sex discrimination law. In the words of my mum: "Adam, you know that a man will always carry the can for things like that. It's not fair and its not right, but that's the world."
I've started patching things up with my parents, but I need to throw myself into finding a new job.
I'm going in. This is not going to be pleasant.
Nothing happened at work today. There were no representatives and my team leader was "coincidentally" on an emergency holiday (probably expecting me to drop the hammer today).
I've had time to calm down. Nobody who was not involved in this incident knows about it so there is no gossip. I need to leave for my mental health. If I stay at this place I'll end up with depression, or sinking back into severe anxiety. We'll see what happens tomorrow but resigning is the only solution I can see.
Had a two hour meeting. It's clear the management like me very much, and my ops manager agreed that I have been protected as far as they could get away with, but they feel that they must intervene in all the problem areas at work in order to resolve them so I no longer struggle or go off sick. However I might still lose my job anyway and their proposed resolution will definitely make new enemies. My protection is over.
I have not been specifically complained about after all. It's complicated, and the severity of what I've done has been downgraded, and they accept I was spurred into doing what I did by a group of colleagues. But I "bring the storm" and am always in the middle of things, and I am still vulnerable to being led by others.
So I'm handing in my notice, as I simply cause too much trouble and cannot face making new enemies on top of everything else. And I just plain don't like the job.
My NHS complaint should be resolved within a week (which probably means the next six months) so there is some good news.
I resigned yesterday. I'm now unemployed, with no more reason to fear disciplinaries, or a certain female colleague - the only things I need to worry about are getting a new job, and mastering my autism and anxiety symptoms, as I can clearly see where these have caused me to let myself down, repeatedly, in many aspects of life.
Finally, after six years with the company that I used to hate, I am free to start a new life and chart my own destiny!
My volunteering is going extremely well (my fourth day tomorrow) and I may have a temporary job starting tomorrow night. My writing has drastically improved and the tutor at my writing group said my "skill evokes a sense of awe"! :D
I'm officially declaring my emotional breakdown to be over. The darkest time in recent years has ended and I'm moving into brighter days!
Unsurprisingly, I'm in a blip. The cold, rainy weather certainly hasn't helped, but in spite of everything, I was feeling confident and positive as I always knew I'd be better off out of that job. It seems that every time I REALISE I am happy and confident, I suffer a massive reverse. This definitely needs sorting out in therapy. I'm aware of the irony of beating the breakdown only to head straight I to another blip!
I might have a nice little side job starting tonight which will certainly help my ailing finances, so with my volunteering position, I'll effectively have two part time jobs.
I'm broken up about my ex from 2014, Kelly, as I have always been in love with her and I know that I'll never see or hear from her again. She was super-intelligent, a fantastic singer, she was crazy and chaotic and exciting, but I couldn't cope with all the disasters in her life. She had a sexy accent, she was beautiful and sexy as he'll, and she was really into me despite all my problems at the time. It's galling to know I had that remarkable super-woman and I couldn't cope with her. I don't know how to let her go. Part of being an aspie is to obsess and ruminate, and these days I'm doing it about people.
The war against my anxiety is definitely in a better phase, and I still believe recovery is around the corner. It's just a very long corner, and it involves heartbreak, something I'm just not equipped for.
I'm starting to "get my head around" my situation and am coming up with a recovery plan:
* I need to move on from my ex, Kelly.
* I have moved on from my lunatic ex who pretended to be pregnant, but the psychological damage remains to be healed.
* I am moving on from "Asmunda" as I no longer need to see, hear from or think about her ever again - "she's out of my life". I'm not sure how I feel about this yet.
* My experiences with dating, relationships and sex have been so bad they are effectively traumatic. I've lost all trust and faith in women, and I am attracted only to women who are damaged or dangerous in some ways. I am not mentally strong enough to deal with this type of person; they trigger the worst of my mental health problems. I need to get my head out of my arse, take things slowly, move on from (and forgive) the people listed above and meet some decent women, avoiding the "bad girls", who I now know how to recognise.
* Working in a call centre for six years has also caused psychological damage. I was discussing this with friends yesterday. Call centres micro-manage your time, everything is monitored against the clock and you never know when they're listening in. They're quick to punish and rarely reward. It's a faceless, never-ending job with an invisible workload which never seems to diminish
* My self-esteem, self-worth and general confidence have repeatedly built up to insane heights, then smashed into worthlessness, all in very short spaces of time. This is confusing and highly damaging, and is provoking symptoms of depression. I need to earn more money and defeat the DWP in court so that I can afford to pay for REGULAR therapy.
* While I am definitely "recovering" from autism, ADHD and anxiety (to varying extents), I need considerable, ongoing support. The DWP's decision to stop my PIP has meant I have been having one therapy session every 2 months, instead of every 2 weeks. I've been carrying the weight of the world on my own.
* I need to stop acting like a man-whore, a nutter and a scrubber, as I am none of these things, and have only become them to survive and to "fit in" (this links into the earlier point about needing to meet some decent people).
Sounds like you have been doing some serious thinking and know exactly where you are with everything. I think you should read today's post every morning as a reminder of how far you've come and the steps you've identified. Keep going - you can do it! Take care x
Well done Adam, sounds like you're getting there! :)
Whilst I know that relationships can be extremely damaging, from my experience all my major blips have been related in some way to work situations and in different jobs too.
I think taking that big step away from a potentially toxic job is admirable as with it comes a sense of freedom once you break the shackles of cause and effect (job-money-home-poverty etc).
I think it's one of the most liberating things to stand by your convictions and realising it's time to get out, I've had a couple of those, the last being redundancy. Terrifying at first but once a deal was negotiated and I realised I didnt have to go back again it was like a huge weight lifted, I hope it does similar for you.
I'm now of the opinion that being 'forced' to work is probably one of the main causes of MH issues :)
Thanks guys, it's always good to know people care :)
I would definitely describe that job as toxic. It might be my aspergers traits making me think things are worse than they really are - that people are more of a threat to me, that my disciplinaries were more serious - but whether it's me exaggerating things, or the job really being that bad, I needed to get out of there.
I haven't reached the sense of relief or unburdening you achieved, AndyB510, but I guess people don't respond that quickly when something has been bothering them for years, as we're so used to living under that shadow and we don't trust the daylight. I've got my court date to fight the DWP in June, and I am still waiting to hear about the result of my NHS complaint (this is at least the fourth time they've missed their own, increasingly vague, deadlines). I cannot get on with my life until I know the results of the NHS and DWP cases.
There are a few things I need to let go of so that I can go into my next job and my next relationship expecting happiness and success, instead of betrayal and failure.
In the meantime, I'm trying to stay social and I have been hammering away at my writing!
I've been reading some of the more popular "Creepypasta" stories floating around the internet -- and my quality of writing, motivation to write and willingness to experiment with new themes/ideas have rocketed. I spent most of last night writing, all of this morning reading, and I'm starting to rebuild a following for my writing online.
Writing seems to be the one thing I can do that exceeds all my other skills. No, it doesn't exceed them, it eclipses them. I want to be a paid author. I'm willing to work hard and edit my own work. Writing gives me pleasure and excitement beyond almost anything else, including sex. It's been staring me in the face all these years, and I've ignored it in favour of playing games and working in mindless, dead-end jobs.
I might start working on some kind of fiction for No More Panic.
I have barely done any writing today, and haven't applied for any jobs in the last 3-4 days. I needed some time to recover from last week, but now all I'm doing is playing Terraria and reading Creepypasta and Warhammer 40,000 stories. The more "downtime" I get, the further I go from my planned course, and end up doing repetitive things that make my days blur into one.
Of course, not really wanting a "real job" isn't helping - I don't just need a break from women and relationships, I need a break from the world. I've carried so much stress that even now, after a few days to myself, I am still snappy and taut, albeit nothing like as bad as before.
My relationship with my family has improved, and rather than being like a feral dog with people who cross me, I am starting to be more understanding and more confident.
The NHS is offering me counselling in May which is a huge victory and means I won't have to pay £30 per session, like I've been doing. So I can group my sessions closer together which will be much more helpful.
Time to get my head in gear and start updating my CV.
---------- Post added at 19:59 ---------- Previous post was at 16:17 ----------
Poet's star log, supplemental. I sat down and wrote, from scratch, a CV tailored to a local part-time job and submitted it by email. There are two or three other jobs I haven't looked at yet, but at least one has been sent.
My parents seem content to let me look for part time work so I can continue volunteering and, in the long run, get my writing into a shape that can be submitted somewhere. Writing the Citalopram Survival Guide should be enough to get someone's attention. I guess I'm still limited by the old fears.
My anxiety can blow up to become severe. Blips are much nastier now than they used to be (is that just because I can't remember what they were like?). On the whole though, I have never been as "free" of fear as I used to be. I entirely believe that I still act like an anxious person because it's the only thing I've ever known how to be.
That's why I am always surprised when other people say I'm one of the most confident people they know. I don't feel it. I don't think I particularly act it. But I'm doing something that makes me look alpha. Even writing those words makes me feel awkward and embarrassed - I've been held down for so long by others that the notion of being powerful seems like a bad joke.
I guess we've all got our own power. The key to life is figuring out what this power is and how to utilise it for the best (not to use it as a weapon of domination).
I was supposed to be volunteering today but have put it off til tomorrow. I've got out of the habit of going to bed at a reasonable hour, so I'm shattered every day. On the plus side I've started drinking more water and am working at losing weight. I must have gained well over a stone through comfort eating. Most of the things that made me feel like that are over now, for better or worse.
The NHS were supposed to have given me a decision last week. The person responsible for making the decision has passed the buck (again). This means the NHS have dragged my complaint out for seven months when their timescale is 25-40 days. The person supposedly making the decision has passed on it twice, and key people have gone on holiday when I was supposed to be receiving a decision (also twice). They are clearly taking the smeg.
I'm taking it to the Ombudsman and my MP, Sarah Champion. I'm still mentally and emotionally burned out from the last few months but my advocates are going to do the lion's share of the work, I just need to be able to see it through.
I've spoken to my solicitor who is advocating when I go to court against the DWP in June. Unfortunately he is very old and is having a pacemaker fitted! So God knows what's gonna happen with him, but he's representing me for free, which kind of tells you something about the DWP's decision to cut my disability.
Despite me making progress across the board, I'm still many years away from being able to live a "normal" life, and I'm rapidly approaching 40.
You are in fact doing really well and you do have to contend with your Asperger's diagnosis which I know you hate . I know my daughter hates her ASD but we work with it and don't try to "beat" it because it won't work and will bring even more frustration and anxiety to an already challenging world.
I don't think you need to work to a timescale. Take things at your own pace and get yourself settled again. I'm glad things are better with your parents-they only want the best for you.
Thanks Pulisa. It's good to hear people telling me I'm doing well. Anxiety used to be called the doubting sickness and with good reason. It's not so much that I find being an aspie frustrating, it's more that society tells me I'm wrong and disabled when in fact it's society that's sick and corrupt. People with aspergers are generally law abiding and honest. Since when was honesty a disease?
I'm volunteering again and I'm going to a parents/teachers group which should be interesting. I'm in my suit, wonder if the yummy mummys will like it :P
---------- Post added at 15:12 ---------- Previous post was at 12:10 ----------
Poet's star log, additional. I have started to accept that I have experienced abuse in my relationships and personal life that require specialist support. There's a darkness in me that needs to be exorcised, otherwise I will be abusive towards others. I also need to finally face up to my fears about losing loved ones. God knows what will happen when I open that Pandora's box, but it must be opened and emptied out if I'm ever gonna have a shot at a happy, well adjusted life.
I just defeated an attempted "depressive" blip. Last night I came up with some surprising insights into the way I feel and the reason I still have blips. My therapy starts in a couple of weeks so I'm writing it down. Therapy is going to be very painful, but this time I will actually be fighting my problems at their source, not just fighting the symptoms.
As part of the "new me", I have started working on fiction that I'm going to try to get published. It's spun off into ideas for two other stories.
I've finally unleashed the 20K series onto the internet which is my prequel to Warhammer 40K and the Horus Heresy. While I've written stories based on 20K before, I haven't started it off properly until now. Actually launching the series officially caused me to feel low and exhausted (or it might have been sitting in the sun writing all day) and I feel this is because I suffer so much doubt and negative self talk.
The only way to beat this is to keep going, to keep writing, and to tell those thoughts to jam it up their arse.
I'm going to investigate "demand avoidance" as my therapist mentioned this to me two years ago and I never followed it up. I'm wondering if this is the reason I procrastinate, experience high levels of stress whenever something needs to be done, and why I freak out whenever I'm asked to do things I don't want to do.
I'm gonna make an appointment with my gp and see if she can send me somewhere for diagnosis. It could be considered moot at this point, but it will help me against the dwp and could help me to move forward in life.
I've also started to wonder if what I think of as "depression" symptoms might be several different issues all overlapping. So effectively I have at least two issues each causing flare ups of depression at times. It will help to be able to sort this mess out into order so I can decide which order to fight it in.
I push a bow wave of frustration, stress, upset and anger with me, I never really move on from things and carry them with me. It's hard to think that "Asmunda" and my ex Kelly are truly out of my life. I guess I never really saw anything in my life as ending and felt I could always go backwards. But going backwards is a mistake and I my creates more pain. I need to learn to accept people are gone and to let them go, to move ahead with my life and not look back on what I think I'm missing.
Very long update here. Today, for no particular reason, I can see the roadmap laid out before me.
The Bad:
* I've allowed myself to run out of mirtazapine, arocoxia (an arthritis medication which I need to take daily) and strattera (my ADHD/autism medication). This is potentially bad news - strattera in particular has a very short half life and it needs to be taken every day, as I can revert back to full, uncontrolled ADHD within five days. (This in itself is actually not that bad -- it's the raging anxiety and intrusive thoughts that are the problem, and my mood can crash all over the place when coming onto or going off strattera.) This is the single stupidest thing I've done in, oh, a week?
* Sitting around writing for hours every day is provoking my arthritis (although the constant temperature changes are partly responsible too).
* My writing still lacks direction and focus. I tend to make stories go on for too long, although to be fair, nobody has ever criticised me for this. It just makes it harder to finish things, which makes it harder to get motivated for new projects as I'm scared they'll go on forever.
The Good:
* I've received a lot of extremely positive comments for my writing. My writing group tutor said my writing "evokes a sense of awe that you can write like that". My former colleague who I've become close friends with said she loves my writing style, funny, informal, interesting - and she normally can't stand sci-fi. Someone commented this morning that I "have a real gift".
* I've produced so much writing this week I think it's close to my record. I've been working on two stories simultaneously (sometimes three).
* I have started to become able to face up to "depressive" thoughts and feelings, and am starting to make sense of some of them. It seems, as with everything in life, I am allowing myself to get muddled up by carrying too many things at once. I don't know how to prioritise when everything seems so important. I realise that this is what's chased me out of jobs in the past. I'm capable of ridiculous feats when I get focused, it's getting focused that's the problem. I therefore now stand a chance of completely eliminating the "depressive" moods and blips.
The Plan:
* Discuss my situation with my new therapists in two weeks.
* Keep battering away at my 20K fiction, learning to anticipate praise rather than bad comments (since I've had plenty of praise and no criticism yet).
* Write my horror story that I want to try submitting to publishers. Just write as much as I want, as much as I can. If it gets dragged off-topic, I can always edit that out. And if I start branching into new ideas and new avenues, I can always turn them into different stories. (This is why I never run out of ideas for long - I inspire myself as I write.)
* Discuss various issues with my GP and seek further diagnosis and support.
* Discuss increasing my dose of strattera - every dose increase has been beneficial, but has wildly changed my life, so this needs to be done with extreme caution. Here Be Dragons.
The Confession:
I couldn't write about this before, but I need to confess why I left my job. Anyone who knows me and has advised me in the past is going to kick my arse over this. I'd be surprised if my life coach ever spoke to me again after I tell this to her.
On my first day back at work after six weeks off, I was chatting to my colleagues (all girls) and as usual, someone turned the conversation towards sex. I mentioned that I'd been dating and had taken personal pictures at the request of a girl I'd been dating. Now either I said "Do you want to see them?" (for a LAUGH, not because I was serious), or one of my colleagues asked to see them. It's 50-50, I wasn't paying attention as we were joking and I was relaxed.
Two of my colleagues were hassling me to see them. Ironically, my new-found confidence kicked me up the arse. I got my phone out (a big no-no at work) and showed them. This is when they both offered me sex, and began complimenting me loudly, including to other women. They called a third colleague over, I warned her but she still looked. A senior manager heard about this event and got a witness statement from the third colleague. She covered her own back and made out she felt disgusted and weird, and that she had to tell her partner as she felt she'd done something wrong. (This is completely contrary to the way she behaved at the time, hence she's covering her arse.)
I was taken into a room a WEEK later by two female managers, one of whom I hated. They asked me excruciatingly painful questions, going into far too much detail. The woman I hate, who allegedly slept her way to power (getting a male manager fired in the process), seemed to be loving every minute of it. I literally came out of the meeting feeling like I'd been sexually assaulted, as the conversation went into my romantic and sexual activities with people in and outside of work. (No work meeting should involve the employee saying "I never shagged her! What would I want to shag her for? I'd rather drink Mr Sheen.") EDIT: With hindsight, maybe the evil manager was enjoying listening to me. You've never heard anyone get angry as creatively as me. I even heard her say "I love listening to him".
I'd been thrown under the bus and was solely carrying the can for something which involved myself and three women (again this is common in sex-related situations, the man carries the can). They did downgrade the severity, as it was clear that I'd been egged into it and all three women who'd seen the pics were very complimentary towards me. It was agreed that I'd been preyed on, but I still clearly had to face disciplinary action for using my phone and showing pornographic pictures at work. There was no way I was going to survive that. Not after everything else.
I started crying when I phoned up to quit a few days later. They told me I'm very popular, a very good agent, and that they wanted me to stay, but they admitted they couldn't protect me any more, and I cannot guarantee I won't do something even crazier in future. Even if I can control myself, I was being mobbed at work - I could handle it in theory, but not in real life. Not yet.
So, I returned to work, I got it out for the girls, I left. Always leave your audience wanting more, I guess?
My doctor has agreed to refer me back to the neurology unit to assess me for Pathological Demand Avoidance and Attachment Disorder. My therapist mentioned that I fit all the characteristics of PDA years ago and it is effectively co-morbid with aspergers syndrome. I need to get all the evidence I possibly can to support my request as my GP says the neurology unit will simply say "no mental health problems were found" if I don't go in there loaded for bear. This is from the mouth of my own doctor.
I got chatted up by an extremely attractive woman in the pharmacy yesterday, but I am still struggling with my social skills in terms of chatting to women I don't know (I held my own pretty well though). I simply do not trust the opposite sex at all and need specialist help to recover from what people have put me through.
I've accomplished great feats of writing in the last week and am getting ready to start submitting to publishers.
I'm back! Was a bit burned out from the hot weather, all the writing I've been doing ad the stress of life in general. My birthday was really nice and I've now got a lot of extra Warhammer 40,000 lore to plough through which will help with my fiction.
An ex girlfriend I've stayed friends with got in touch last night to ask how I'm doing. I explained just a few of the things that have happened lately and she was shocked at what I've been through and how much I've changed in response to it.
I'm facing two emerging problems, both of which are serious.
1. My sense of self worth and self confidence are so low they're practically poisonous.
Having all my family singing happy birthday to me and people sending me greetings on Facebook can actually make me feel worse and requires a conscious effort to stay bright. I don't really trust it when people are being good to me and giving me attention.
You'd think getting random attention from attractive women would help, but that's where my next problem comes in.
2. How am I ever going to trust a woman again?
Whenever people find out women have been giving me any kind of attention they immediately downplay it. "She was only being friendly. She was leading you on. She just wanted a bigger tip." This makes me feel utterly worthless and I get it all the time. Worse, people later change their minds (long after I can do anything about it) and say "I've been thinking... yeah, she was into you" or "Yeah, she probably was giving you a sign". Then it's my fault that I've missed these signals!
If I got into a relationship at this point I would screw it up because I don't trust anyone. The possibility of meeting someone I can trust seems ridiculous. I don't see women as having any sort of conscience or compassion towards men. Yeah, I really have had that many bad experiences. I believe that they cheat without compunction and have far more opportunities than men (particularly me, with autism and anxiety) to do so. Even the latest scientific research backs up these fears: women cheat more often, are far more likely to lie about it and are far less likely to get found out. This confirms my "lack of conscience" statement.
On the other hand, I cannot "play the field" as I do have a conscience. I do have standards. I do have that inflexible Aspergers moral code. I've tried the random hookup thing and it damages me mentally. I cannot do the friends with benefits thing as it also damages me (I cannot accept any mental conflict - I believe love and sex are for a relationship, but friends with benefits is not a relationship, so the loving part of me is engaged and receives a middle finger in its face from the other person). I also "connect" with the other person every single time, which means that they want to ditch me but somehow can't, so they get nasty or weird with me (or I do with them).
I'm in a proper mess and I cannot hope to resolve this on my own. I'm still caught in a stasis of autism, anxiety and perhaps other undiagnosed conditions. There is still so much work to do and it's just endlessly gruelling. I'm still up for it though, there's no way this will beat me. I'll take on the entire universe if I have to.
We'll see what the counsellors say in my first session on 19th May. All I need is just one boost, just one encouragement, and I'm good for a few days.
Some positive signs. I have got at least two female friends who apparently have my best interests at heart. I'm meeting one of them next week to have lunch and go for a walk.
One of my friends is rather plain talking and she pointed a few things out that I already knew or suspected, although she did it rather bluntly. She advised me to avoid any form of relationship and be careful who I'm friends with while I am "obviously delicate" as she said people "can tell immediately" will take advantage. She is now the fourth of my female friends to warn me about that in the last six months and this time I'm going to listen.
Some people think aspies have no emotion. I seem to have significant issues hiding mine.
Ok, I've learned a few things.
I am seen like Tom Hanks in "Big": a young person in an adult's body. While not everyone will appreciate that, as it implies immaturity, I still have that spark of youthful enthusiasm that some people forget by the time they're my age. You can literally see the character of my friends, colleagues and girlfriends change as they gradually get used to me. They laugh more, make immature jokes and do all sorts of silly things that they wouldn't have done in a million years if I hadn't "corrupted" them.
My younger sister and a few of my friends have said this is where my relationship problems start. I tend to go for very damaged or very narcissistic types, who have had horrendous life experiences. When they realise that I am not putting on an act they "cling" to me, as apparently not many men behave as well towards women as I do.
This is where these damaged people "break" as they don't want to let me go, even as they perpetuate the cycle of abuse they've been through. I gradually become broken by their behaviour until I start to resent or even hate them. When we split up, I do not "play the game" by pursuing them in any way, so in essence I am "a question left unanswered", which plays on their minds.
And because I leave if they say they want me to go, or because I will dump them if they push me too far, they get confused because they want to always be the one who dumps the other person - they cannot understand a man who does not want to be with them and does not want to pursue them for sex.
So once again it comes down to me "not playing the game" - but why would anyone want to play such a vile and pointless game? Why do non-autistics spend their lives deluding each other, and engaging in weird, time-wasting social dances like this? Surely everyone's lives would be easier, simpler, smoother and far happier if they stopped jerking each other around and just got on with things?
I've now got three different friends helping me. One is walking me through things like how to give respectful compliments, how to interpret what people say to me, the kind of things women look for in a relationship. Another is giving a plain-talking spin on things I've been through. The third is someone I'm going to be spending time with in real life as she is not very social so I have managed to get her to come out with me for a day out next week (we're helping each other).
So there are at least three women in my life who aren't planning to murder me or break my spirit!
The same cannot be said of the gits at ID Software. My computer's performance is rated as "extreme" but it falls far short of the minimum requirements to play DOOM, which arrived this afternoon. I checked the prices on the absolute minimum required specs and it's looking like a £400 overhaul is needed. For a £30 game.
Curses! I want to kick some demon butt.
The hilarity continues!
My new car has apparently been vandalised again, making it the second time this car has suffered (apparently) intentional damage since I bought it in March. It's the fourth time a car I owned has been vandalised since December 2015.
It can't be anything to do with my evil ex or her friends and hangers-on. I've occasionally described them as her circus, but they're not a FLYING circus. I haven't had any contact from her since mid February.
I believe someone who lives near my friend is the person damaging my car. I don't know why. If you believe top gear, the whole world views peugeots as worthless, yet in the last ten years I've owned 406s, 407s and 307s, all visibly modified, all vandalised in some way (usually just little things like nicking badges, smashing lights etc, occasionally something serious). These "worthless" and "crummy" Peugeots attract resentment as easily as any Lamborghini...
Peugeot is like a metaphor for me. The hoi polloi would like to pretend I'm inferior, or that I don't exist. And yet everyone seems to know who I am, what I'm up to, and at this moment I have as many enemies as friends. Somehow I survive, but no matter how busy I am living my own life, there's always someone who wants to interfere.
My counselling starts this Thursday. That should be interesting. Things are so complicated these days, it will take an hour just to discuss the people and events from my life, without even going into my diagnoses and treatment! I'm going out with a friend today but I'm working on a list of things to talk about. I can already see where I've gone wrong: I've been involved with way too many people and it's easy to write me off as a player or Romeo who can't handle or finish what he started. There is some truth in that, unfortunately.
I have noticed my dad often gives very conflicted and contradictory instructions in life, to the point where you kind of just stand around not knowing what he wants you to do. You literally cannot ever win with him. I think I have inherited this trait and I am giving off such mixed and confusing signals, nobody knows what I really want from them. This would go a long way towards explaining the disasters in my love life - although it doesn't explain why my love life has only been diasastrous since the end of 2014. (Maybe it's because I've been seriously looking for a relationship since then - before that time I was happy being single.)
So this is definitely the "relationship phase" of my illness/recovery. I'm stuck at this point without professional support. It will be very interesting to see what happens to my life when I finally move past this sticking point.
I've been working on a letter to my doctor to get myself referred for Pathological Demand Avoidance and Attachment Disorder assessments. Unfortunately it's turned into another epic and I keep deleting and re-writing whole paragraphs. I realise this is almost like catharsis, yet it is also a symptom of my obsession with my problems. I guess I need to accept that there's a long way to go and I will still be displaying all sorts of negative traits and symptoms for the forseeable future. At least that way I can stop worrying about them.
I seem to be less affected by instrusive negative thoughts. I am rapidly losing my fear of this arthritis medication and no longer dread taking it, or worry about how I feel the next day. I am starting to get a better handle on the intrusive suicidal thoughts, which still appear to be a fear of death which is grotesquely distorted. I am not suicidal, I can't be, and that seems to be gradually sinking in.
I am understanding how the physical and cognitive effects of my conditions interact. It's almost like a graceful ballet between them. Attacking them with blunt force has helped but not fixed anything. I'm learning to become an artist myself, an artist of reconstruction, re-shaping the thoughts and fears, challenging them through to their conclusion and finding ways to disprove them and reduce their impact.
I keep bogging down complaining and railing against things. It's no wonder I do. It's how I vent the stress. I need to do it in order to calm down and gradually get a handle on things. Then once it's done, it's permanently done, since I've said everything I needed to say.
A fascinating day of breakthroughs. I had a meeting with my solicitor who's representing me in my PIP appeal. The advocates said I appeared far less nervous and stressed than last time I saw them, but I am making lots of hand and arm movements and gestures all the time. I have noticed that myself. It's a symptom of aspergers that I didn't display very often. Now I'm doing it a lot.
I've noticed that my general anxiety and distress levels are much lower than they've realistically ever been. I think my nervous energy is being channelled into aspie hand movements. This isn't a bad thing, it's an indication that the balance is definitely starting to swing in my favour!
I am also becoming instinctively able to fight off blips and intrusive horrible thoughts! I am not sure when I started to do this - it's been about a week I think. This is a major breakthrough and could signify the end of my bad thoughts and maybe even my blips.
I think fate is showing me that I might actually do it - I might vanquish the illness once and for all.
Another good day.
I woke up with low mood and the beginnings of a blip. I realise now that this happens when I have a lie in and doze for a while - therefore I need to take better charge of my sleeping (and waking) habits. I was having a sad, intense dream about an ex I have squarely moved on from. That was strange. I think my inner feelings of sadness, frustration, loss and grief need to be let out and this is one way they do it, escaping from my iron control while I'm sleeping. I no longer fear this. I'm no longer a victim of "that morning feeling".
I went out for a drive and a walk with a new female friend. We connect very well and we had a really good time. We swapped war stories about failed relationships and about work. We discussed some of my writing including a couple of stalker novels and stalker-related horror stories.
I am worried that women don't typically do this kind of thing not because they don't have it in their nature, but because society says men must do the chasing. Therefore women find it much easier to replace men, so they don't dwell on one person. If women were required to chase men, I reckon the majority of stalkers would be female. This means stalking and harassing behaviour are affected by nurture, not nature. Worryingly, Gemma agreed with this.
It's equally worrying, yet somehow strangely flattering, that I have had problems with exes and female friends who didn't let go. I reckon this is because I am not really like other men, so even if a relationship ends, maybe they go back to the world of men who want sex or treat them with contempt and maybe they miss the way I used to treat them? Maybe I'm bigging myself up here. But people never, ever treat me the same way they treat others.
Gemma is a "nice girl" and she is still grieving for a relationship that ended 3 years ago. Decent people do not stalk, do not wish to replace someone immediately and do think about/grieve for their ex. This further supports my theory that I have fraternised with scum in the past, because they were users and meaneaters who didn't seem to care about anything except satisfying badly-thought-out impulses. It also confirms that I am essentially decent, as I behave the same way Gemma does.
So I have made a new connection with someone who I can talk openly and honestly with, who is a genuine friend with my wellbeing in mind, and who is helping me to get out of this rut and become the man I think I'm supposed to be.
Therapy starts tomorrow. I just realised I don't know where I'm going. Or when.
My parents are away for a fortnight so it's just me and my brother. That is actually pretty cool except for the keening sense of loneliness when people are missing.
When I look out at the night sky I miss Cara. She was my lunatic ex I was seeing from October last year to mid Jan this year. We'd stay up talking on the phone for six hours every night. She only slept two hours a night and was grateful for the company. I got used to looking out at the night sky after we'd hung up and listening to the distant traffic on the motorway as the sounds rose and fell on the night breeze.
Cara treated me appallingly. If the things she did were a crime, she'd have faced a firing squad long ago. But she was the last person who made me feel loved and needed and attractive. I guess that's the abominable thing about people like her. They prey on the vulnerable. They know what you want because they worm their way into your head and lodge there like a parasite or some infernal entity trying to take possession. And then when you wake up and run for your life, they curse you and pursue you until they realise how easily they can replace you.
Will I ever find forgiveness for her? Why would I want to? Shouldn't I always remember her with fear and hate? Is that my armour against her - the armour of contempt? Or do I look back at her as a poor broken thing who only understands hatred, and by hating her, I'm only giving her what she knows? Am I perpetuating the cycle of abuse by distrusting and fearing other women?
Did Cara make me like her?
Counselling went well. She is a trained autism specialist. There was so much to discuss that I didn't even get into my anxiety, mood issues or intrusive thoughts except briefly mentioning them. So our second session is actually going to be another "getting to know you" session. She made tons of notes and I did warn her I would "seem a bit of a man-whore because I'm going to be saying a lot of women's names". She was initially confused because of the number of people I talked about. And there are still people she's yet to hear about. She was lovely though, very supportive, she did understand everything, but she didn't say much because she was listening to the mess tumbling out of my mouth.
Ironically, the anxiety/depression issues, which kept me firmly out of the world for many years, now seem the least of my worries. But they are still the reasons I haven't achieved much in life; they're still the reason I fell. They're still the enemy, and "an enemy deserves no mercy" as the saying goes.
I am definitely going through some kind of transition. I am definitely, definitely improving in some ways. Maybe it's down to the weather (although we're still having our share of cold, grey, rainy days). Maybe all the talking, the ranting, the venting, is finally paying off.
There are people I need to let go of. It finally feels like time to start.
Sounds like a really positive start x
It is. Thank you. I'm starting to believe a lot of my so called issues are just "white noise", a sideshow distracting me from the main event. My therapy must focus on the underlying problems and not the circus of my social life.
Cara,
You changed my life when I met you. I thought I'd finally found The One. I loved your voice. It was sexy, energised, I've never heard a nicer voice. We would talk for hours. I was enthralled by your life. The things you'd done. I was fascinated - hooked. I ignored the obvious and very serious warning signs. I felt unloved by my friends, unwanted, unpopular. I was surrounded all the time by attractive women who letched and perved over every man at work except for me. I felt invisible.
You made me feel not just special, but heroic. You elevated my confidence to heights undreamed of, right before you'd bring me crashing back down. Even me, the ultimate black and white thinker, used to ever-shifting moods, even I became damaged very quickly. You'd say things that made me feel sick and shaky; you poisoned me with lies.
You cut me off from my friends and family, and made me doubt them. You saw I was hurting and vulnerable. You cultivated my weakness, you encouraged my pain, you spun lies and mixed them up with truths so that your web of sin was stronger than reinforced steel.
You created a life that didn't exist and made me bond with it. I knew it couldn't be true. My family knew you were a vicious liar. They despaired that I might be tied to a creature so terrible as you, as surely as a man selling his soul to the devil. You are a rapist of the heart and spirit. You are an abusive bitch who exists in pain and thrives on spreading that pain.
You knew I was learning. You knew I didn't know which way was up, and that my anti-autism medication had wiped my mind clean. You taught me to play mind games, and I played them on someone who had been important to me, and it broke her. She became my enemy, or I became hers. I told her we'd had sex on the first date and I told her it was good, because I was learning that some women don't have a conscience. I was losing mine. I was becoming like you - like the others. I was wearing down. Whatever nobility was in me was dying on the vine because you and the others had cut me off.
You told me your friends wanted me then accused me of messaging them behind your back. You told me you never cheated on me but you "kept your options open" and were fielding requests by men left right and centre. When I dumped you, you told me you had more power over men than I'd ever have over women. I said it wasn't about power, it was about love and respect. Two concepts you'll never understand. Then you invited me to threesomes with the same friends you accused me of cheating with, and didn't understand it when I told you to go to hell.
You used me for sex. You used me to fight your ex, who you no doubt wound up as much as you did me. You replaced me, and told me how much sex you're having with the new stooge.
You were broken. Things had happened to you that turned you into trash. I thought that I could save you by loving you. But in your own words, love isn't enough. You are going to hell and you love every minute of it.
This doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about you. My friendships are destroyed, not that many of them were real friends anyway. My trust in women has been nuked and I don't see a way to ever regain it. You were good looking, sexual, and you knew it - you used it every chance you got. You hated the fact that I got at least as much (overt) attention as you did. You hated that I was smarter and faster than you, and I caught you up so quickly. You despised me for being the only man to dump you. You knew that I could surpass you in nearly every way despite my situation.
Maybe that's why my other friends don't support me. Maybe they feel our friendship is tenuous, because I always thought they were so much better than me, when really I eclipsed them. Maybe there's some conspiracy where you are all trying to keep me down because doing so makes you feel less broken. You don't care that this breaks me, none of you do, because you don't have conscience. My granddad fought alongside the French Resistance in WW2, and he said the British soldiers were scared of these women, because "There's something missing in a woman who kills - there's something terrible. Cold. Brutal." You are like that. You are cold. Your soul is the void. You're the opposite of everything I believe in.
I loved you, Cara. I would have died for you. Instead I told you to die and I cast you free. I hate you for what you did to me. I can't forgive you - I don't know how. I don't know why I'd even want to. But until I cut this last thread, you will have your victory over me. You are filth. You are less than human. Listen to how I talk now. Are you happy with what you made?
I will lose the anger. I will lose the hurt. I will find someone and build something special with them. I will rebuild what you and all the others ruined. I survived anxiety so bad that I've hardly ever heard of anyone suffering as much as I was. I will survive this, because that's what I do.
I will replace you.
"I won't let you control my feelings any more, and I will no longer do as I am told, and I am no longer afraid to walk alone. Let me go, let me be, I'm escaping from your grip. You will never hold me again."
I have had uncomfortable reminders this week not to ever go back to my past (on top of all the previous reminders which I've ignored). Certain people who were special to me, and who I had some kind of close bond with, no longer see me the same way, if they ever really did.
I am angry and bitter nearly all the time. I am jealous and resentful. I think it's worsened by my life situation: I simply do not have many friends who want to spend time with me. Not necessarily because they think I'm a moron, as I probably don't come across in real life the way I may be doing online; they're just not really that bothered. I feel like I've spent much of my life chasing ghosts.
I used to get invited to things all the time. I had opportunities to meet new people, to progress at work. I even had the opportunity to get published based on my first-ever submission back in 2000. I passed every single chance up, or if I took it I despised it due to being anxious and undiagnosed Aspergers. I couldn't fit in.
Now that I've changed, the opportunities are no longer there. I could meet new people but it involves going out and I don't know anyone who still goes out, or who would invite me if they were, even if I asked. I'm not a bad person, I guess I'm just lost in stress and fear.
My DWP court date is a month away. In one month, I will never need to worry about that again, even if the court finds against me. I'll know where I stand after a nearly 2-year-long nightmare. I can finally start moving on.
The problem is with my NHS complaints. It is now going to the Ombudsman. The NHS has pointlessly dragged it out for 7 months when their turnaround time is 45 days. They aren't updating me. It's with a clinical director but nobody knows what he's doing or why there have been one delay after another since November 2015. It's also going to my MP. So I will need to re-live this twice: once with the Ombudsman, once with my MP, then maybe a third time if it goes to court which is looking more likely.
I cannot move on from the main obstacles in my life. I am constantly pressed under the weight of fear, uncertainty and anger. I cannot be free of them, as they keep coming back, they keep bringing up the worst and most horrible events in my life, they shine a light on the hidden horrors of my anxiety and dysthymia. They paint me as a victim, as disabled, as weak, as a fool, as someone with no hope.
But there is hope. Of course there is. Our society is now dominated by money-minded, soulless machine people. It remains to be seen if the human heart, if human courage and human endurance, can survive in the machine and eventually triumph over it. If this were a sane world it would; but if it were a sane world, that machine wouldn't exist in the first place.
Things will get better. These problems will be resolved one day. Then maybe I can pick up the pieces and rebuild my life. I just hope I have the patience to put up with it for the next few weeks.
Yesterday was emotionally difficult as you can tell from the above post, but it was actually a good day. I managed to get my brother out - we went with our friend for a meal. It was a taste of what life would be like for us if we were "normal".
I listened to Rialto's "Summer's Over" this morning and had an epiphany. I was the man who had everything. I went from one relationship with a beautiful, intelligent and desirable woman to another without looking back or worrying about them. At work I was constantly surrounded by the most alpha females and I was way more alpha than them, which effectively created a "following". I was earning a decent wage and despite my impairments, I was better at the job than nearly everyone else. I had disciplinary after disciplinary and walked out with the minimum possible reprimands each time. Everyone knew me. The managers tore their hair out about me, yet they still protected me to the point where I could effectively do and say what I wanted. It was no wonder I attracted alpha females -- I just waltzed through life not noticing other people.
Now I sit here on my own writing on my computer about how bitter, angry and lonely I am. I blame everyone and everything else without taking any responsibility. I talk about how my exes can replace me, yet I have always been the one who replaced people. I talk about being unattractive and socially awkward, but I seem to hit it off with nearly everyone I speak to, and I am offered sex, love and relationships on most of my first dates. I whine about how on nights out women don't make the first move when literally all I need to do is say hello - hardly a trial of Hercules.
I don't know how to say goodbye. I hang onto people, onto memories, living in the past and trying to recreate old glories instead of forging ahead and creating new ones. The thought of letting someone go is the same as accepting that a family member is dead -- it is a central horror to my illness and it is something I am not mentally or emotionally capable of doing. But I must.
Last night I sent a message to my former friend A____, thanking her for her friendship, wishing her the best for her future and saying goodbye. She thanked me for the same things.
My friend Andy says I don't just burn my bridges - he says some of my former friends and exes "barricade the bridges but you just say f*** it and blow them sky-high". I'm not sure how this figures into my problems. All I know is, I need to let go of these people now, as our friendships ran their course and cannot be repaired in my opinion. They were friends of the old me. They are from my former life. This will sound cold and harsh to people. Maybe it is. Maybe that's my real problem. But there is such a distinction between me now and me then. Where are these people, where have they been through my breakdown and the nightmare of Cara, if they really cared about me? Perhaps their friendships towards me were as (unintentionally) shallow as mine were with them.
I am definitely in danger of becoming depressed if things carry on. I need to set them free so I can be free.
Got some writing done today and recovered from my very late night last night (up while after 2am watching The Terminator with my brother). It was a relatively nice day today and I could have done more. In fact that seems to be part of the problem. I am "waiting for things to get better", as if a life opportunity is suddenly going to present itself from nowhere. I am sacrificing hours, then days, then weeks, then years, expecting myself to suddenly change: lose weight, become more confident, go out more, get published.
I also realise that being here, jobless, lonely, with no money and no prospects, seems to be a recurring issue in my life. It's like part of me WANTS to be stuck at home. But I'm always so miserable and dissatisfied when I am as I want more from life. I wonder if it's the "demand avoidance" side. I NEED stress, I need targets and deadlines and duress. I need the buzz from interacting with other people. These are the things I seem hell bent on isolating myself from. I pick solitary people to be my friends rather than outgoing, popular people. I'm in no way slagging my remaining friends off, just saying I only hang out with one particular type of person.
So it comes down to me being my own worst enemy. I make stupid choices, I waste too much time. I need to figure out WHAT I want from life, what I need from life, and what I must do to get it. And when it looks like I'm in with a chance, I must not screw it up or run away.
I'm still half in, half out of the world. It's caused me to lose my job and nearly all my friends. (I still think most of them weren't all that geniune.) I had what I wanted and I squandered it thoughtlessly. I cannot blame other people for that. There was a time I was relatively popular and when I was managing my debt. I chose the wrong path. It's not too late to backtrack and make another choice.
With respect... your journal is an amazing and interesting look into the mind of someone suffering from mental illness. The internal back and forth, the intense emotions, the self loathe, love and many other aspects are so eloquently stared and written. Many "artists"... those that write the written word, music and create art are often tortured individuals mentally and you are an "artist" with your words. Even myself... I draw on those painful times and it's those times when turned into art, be it music, words or physical creations turn into something in which the heart can be felt. I feel your pain, joy, optimism and doubt. Well done!
Thank you for sharing. What you're writing can be helpful to those suffering as well as those that treat them.
Have you ever considered submitting your journal to a psychological institution for study and analysis?
Positive thoughts
Thanks for your feedback, Fishmanpa. It's interesting because according to the NHS I am not mentally ill. I've got neurological conditions. Apparently the difference between mental health conditions and neurological conditions is vitally important to the NHS as it determines who I am referred to and what help, diagnostics and support I am entitled to. At the end of the day I don't see the practical difference, as both types of condition leave you up shit creek with the exact same issues.
My therapist once used the word "tortured" to describe me. I believe it's because I want certain things from life, yet I somehow seem to sabotage them every time. This dilemma is at the heart of my problems. Nobody has been able to help me with it yet. I get distracted by petty things like Facebook and ex girlfriends. I guess the mental health services think they're fixing me by helping me with those things, when really those things are a sideshow, distracting us from the underlying problems. I've got too much time to sit and complain. I should be out there doing things.
I think if my diaries ever got out they wouldn't have time to publish them. There are at least three or four women who would kill me first!
More revalations. I know this is probably obvious and I probably mentioned it before, but my obsessive nature is the key to my suffering. This is something I have never faced directly. I brood and obsess about things that have happened, or might yet happen, and I especially brood about people. I struggle with "defeats". In the past, I have steamrolleted over other people's feelings with my blase, self obsessed approach. The reason I had any friends at all is because people know me, and know I intend no offence. They've respected me in ways I never noticed. It's small wonder that I am not invited to more things: I don't always think about others so they don't always think about me.
I watched a horror film called Doghouse last night and it perfectly describes my romantic life and my social life. If things carry on the way they are going, I will meet the wrong person, I will cross her, and she will be responsible somehow for my death. I cannot, must not, carry on down this route, as it will only end one way. This isn't just paranoia. Things could have gone this way with Cara.
I'm also going to discuss the strattera medication. I am starting to wonder if it is having some kind of emotional or cognitive impact that is NOT good. Or maybe it's just trying to unlock or release bad feelings, and I'm simply not dealing with them correctly. Either way, from the moment I started taking strattera, my life has broken down, and I'm not doing enough to rebuild it.
I'm going to start planning my free time now so I am not wasting it. I'm going to divide time between fitness, writing for pleasure, writing to get published, socialising, helping around the house etc.
Amy,
You were my only true friend last year. You were the only one who messaged me, who asked how I was, no matter what amazing rant I would go on during difficult times, or how hard it was for you to understand what I was going through. Others claim to be my friends and act like they have some entitlement to my life. You never did either of these things. You were just yourself. Loyal, compassionate.
I used to describe us as D'Artagnian and Constance from The Musketeers. You said you never saw it, so you didn't know who I was describing. I said they were loyal and loving friends. Constance was brave. She had a strong heart and a courageous soul. I guess I was saying that I love you. And I think that deep down, you loved me too. I think both of us made hints that the other either missed or pretended not to notice.
I was lonely and disoriented. The strattera really cleaned my clock. I had to learn everyone again. You were always there. I could always run to you. I shared everything with you. How can two people share what we did and not feel some kind of love for each other? Everyone thought we had something going on, or might have.
What's ironic is that my love, like all my emotions, is honest. It doesn't need to be romantic love, or best friend love, or unrequited love. I loved you because you were my best friend. You were my shield against the world's bullshit. You were faithful in your friendship. I could count on you. I loved you for who you are. There were no machinations and no motives.
I guess I changed too much. You had things going on in your life. I leaned on you too heavily. I've learned not to do this so much. I've learned to split things between different people so that I don't overload just one. I wish you were still with me as I move into my new life. Of everyone I've lost, you might be the only one I don't resent, or fear, or hate in some way. Not even a little bit. I just miss you.
But like I said, I changed too much. Bridges were burned, then blown up. I must carry on without you. It's not bitterness on my part. Or maybe there is some; I've become an embittered man, carrying a burden I don't know how to shed. You changed too. Less friendly. Less interested. Not wanting to share. Not wanting to know. I guess I hurt you, and I am truly, sincerely sorry.
Our fate was sealed when I met that witch Cara. She made damn sure I was isolated from all my female friends, which is to say all my friends full stop. There was never any going back. I disrespected you and didn't try hard enough to make amends. There won't be another chance.
Everything has its season. We were friends throughout last year and you were especially there when I was lonely and scared in summer 2015. But summer's over. Of everyone I need to let go of, you're the hardest to say goodbye to. I miss you more than Kelly, or any of the others. I tried to keep nobility in my heart but it got twisted after too many bad experiences. Knowing you're out there still is almost harder than if one of us had died. There's still a veil we can't cross.
We had insane chemistry, we could talk all day non-stop and not get bored, but meeting someone else like me might truly finish you off. You need someone different. I'm sorry. I'll always think of you. I didn't appreciate our season while it lasted, just like I never appreciated college or Kelly or any of the other stages in my life. All I can do is remember the lesson learned by remembering you.
Take care my friend. x
I was borderline depressed and it was because I was saying goodbye to Amy. That's not me "fearing death" or anything, I was unable to let go of someone who meant so much to me. I messaged her today apologising and asking to be friends again. She didn't reply so I tried again hours later. She just replied. She's wary and mistrustful and says it's stressful to be my friend. She's got too much going on in her life.
I told her I understand and that I'm sorry. I said I didn't want her as a counsellor, I want her as a friend and I miss her. And then my phone battery died!
I am also visiting another friend I screwed over. I'm seeing her on Friday night. The lesson is becoming clear: my past is ruined, it's gone, and I am very lucky to have kept one friend. It will be my typically outrageous fortune if I manage to keep another! But if Amy says no then I will move on. I tried, and if I fail this will be an honest failure with clear reasons. I can deal with that - because I went balls-out for it, rather than simply moaning about it.
I spent four hours finalising my complaint. I shook hands with Healthwatch and now that we have sent my complaint to the Health Ombudsman they can take no further part in it, whatever happens. I'm still going back to volunteer though. Healthwatch Rotherham have become my second family. It's a time of endings but there is hope for the future.
I triggered the biggest laugh I or any of the staff have had in weeks today. I overheard something that I found so funny I was just giggling for ten minutes, setting the others off. I needed it. It purged some of the pain.
I've just spent two hours typing everything up for my MP, Sarah Champion, and submitting it to their office.
So my NHS complaint is now done - everything is now in the hands of the Ombudsman and my MP! All that remains is to type up what's happened with the DWP and submit that to Sarah's office. Then I'm off to court to face and hopefully defeat the DWP next month.
I feel like Sarah Connor at the end of the Terminator, driving not into the sunset but into the gathering storm. Judgement Day is coming for me. I trust that God is still on my side.
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/6AAzWLN3gDs/maxresdefault.jpg
Since I started this diary my life has careened onto a totally different path. I've become more hardened, more cynical, more angry, but also more confident in myself and my place in the world. I've trashed my old life, but that life was leading nowhere and needed to be trashed. I've lost love, but in many cases I probably never really had it in the first place.
I considered that the universe had declared war on me. I accepted the challenge. Then I spent two months complaining about it instead of working to change it. It's not fair to blame laziness -- there was definitely an element of this, but it mainly comes from a lifetime spent running away from things and denying them. Dealing with the level of stress I've been under is nearly impossible sometimes.
I was still massively messed up because of Cara and "Asmunda" (real name Laura, screw the code names, if they find this they can bite me). I missed them both and wanted them back in my life. I've started moving on from the people, but not from the damage they caused. That's for the future.
I left the job and company I absolutely despised. While my money worries increased exponentially, I have never once regretted leaving and would never, ever go back.
I've managed to get an old friend back and I have made a new friend who I am going out with once a week.
My complaint about the NHS is going to the ombudsman and my MP - it is largely out of my hands now. My year-long association with Healthwatch is over (except for when I volunteer with them).
I'm facing the DWP in court and have my parents, a solicitor and an off-duty member of Healthwatch coming with me.
I still miss Kelly and I love her. I'm not sure how she really feels about me - I know she loves me in the romantic and sexual sense, same as I do her, but I am not sure this is enough. Does she still think about me? I did a great injustice to her, even though I am starting to realise she was technically abusive in our relationship. (EDIT: I'm not sure this was intentional. She pretty much cut me off from my family by making me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with them. And there was a long time where I had to watch everything I said to her.)
I've had dates and flirts from extremely attractive women so my opinion of where I fit into the dating game has had a massive boost. I'm not stupid enough to equate someone's looks with their suitability. But I'm getting into a position where I may be ready to start dating within a few weeks. I can only erase the bad by meeting good people.
I'm probably going to contact Kelly again and apologise. This is likely a mistake, but I love her on many levels. The fact that she's a raven haired beauty with a sexy accent and the most amazing brain does have something to do with it; but my love is pure and honest. If she did do the things from before which were abusive, I can always invite her to take a running jump. My wrath is similarly pure and honest. (She might even be able to help me in court against the DWP...?) EDIT: I messed her about all over the place earlier this year when it seemed like we might be in the running to get back together. I think I really hurt her feelings in the way I handled things.
Tl;dr - things were grim but they may be getting better.
A couple of challenges today, passed successfully: I typically get very anxious on Thursday afternoons and evenings, and I've managed it well the last two or three weeks. Today I feel that I've got a much better anxiety response. I also read a quote which triggered the existential part of my anxiety and I'm also getting better at relaxing and coping with that. Existential anxiety was a major factor in my relapse back in November 2013.
I realise that when I fall or relapse into anxiety (I fell in 2009 and relapsed in 2013) it typically takes 18-24 months to feel like I am recovering. This recovery is different. I feel stronger, more stable, more secure. Less afraid. Less down on myself.
I messaged my ex Kelly asking if she will still talk to me. I haven't got her number so I did it through Facebook. (That means it'll take her two or three days to reply, if she ever does.) I deleted her as a friend in February this year. I really cannot recall my logic for behaving the way I have towards certain people. I was angry, confused, scared, looking for revenge. I didn't feel she "loved me enough" or took me seriously. Now I'd be happy just to talk one more time. If she does want to talk, I'm going to invite myself round to see her. I don't know how I'll feel if she's met someone else. Kelly seems to be the type of person who can't be without a man, even if she's far more intelligent than most of them.
I'm hoping I appeal to her on that basis if nothing else. She's good, but I can keep up with her. I always loved how quick I had to be when dealing with her. It made me feel sharper and more focused. It'll be interesting to see how we interact given how far I've come since we last met.
I think I'll be pretty crushed if she's met someone though...
---------- Post added at 20:05 ---------- Previous post was at 18:21 ----------
Kelly replied! I wasn't expecting anything, at least not for like three days.
I apologised sincerely for "jerking her around all year" and explained that I was angry and hostile at the world. I said no excuses though, I said I'm sorry and I miss her. Seems she is happy I got back in touch. This whole "getting in touch with exes" thing is something the girls from work used to play all the time, but I'm a novice at it, and I'm only doing it because I have true feelings for Kelly.
Recovering from my illness is not a case of "defeating anxiety" or "defeating depression". They're way too big and to general a goal. I have learned that my anxiety, blips, low moods and intrusive thoughts all follow patterns and require triggers. Every aspect of my illness has a specific role within the greater whole. They interact in a graceful ballet of pain. In effect, my illness is made from many intersecting, mutually supporting parts to form a structure. I am learning to dismantle the structure piece by piece. My illness is far greater than the sum of its parts, but you kill the parts and you kill the beast.
Kelly is avoiding my requests to see her again. I'm not sure if she has lost trust in me, or if she is trying to protect me (eg if she has a new boyfriend). So I asked her outright this morning why she hasn't answered the question. My new friend, Gemma, has told me she believes it's a mistake to get in touch with Kelly again. And it's true, this is another example of me going back to the past, the lesson I refuse to learn.
But going back to the past is helping me to move forward. I haven't heard from Amy in the last few days. But I tried. I know where I stand. It's helped me with the grief and loneliness. I no longer need Amy. I was able to kiss that part of my life goodbye.
Maybe going back to Kelly will help me move on from her. She's been part of my life for a year and a half. I do love her and fancy her, and I definitely value her as a friend. Am I addicted to her somehow? She wasn't easy to be with but she definitely made me feel valued and loved, which is something rare these days. Am I just stroking her ego by going back to her? No, I won't ask those questions. I don't want to know. I trust her. It's time to halt my slide into hatred; Kelly has her faults and so do I. Let's see what she says, and see if I can deal with it, whether she wants to see me or she's replaced me and moved on.
---------- Post added at 12:58 ---------- Previous post was at 11:53 ----------
I've suddenly realised why I'm so hooked on Kelly. She scares me shitless! :D
---------- Post added at 14:54 ---------- Previous post was at 12:58 ----------
I'm unreasonably nervous about Kelly's response. She hasn't read my latest message yet. This is where my conditions kick in, the thoughts keep recurring in a burst of adrenaline. I'm actually working in my volunteer job at the moment and its so quiet, warm and friendly here, yet my heart is absolutely aching. I can't believe there will be a good outcome to contacting Kelly again, but this is a faithless world so I must maintain my faith.
I also reckon my anxiety is not as bad because I don't have a regular job, so my demand avoidance is not being triggered. My parents are away so I also feel a greater sense of personal freedom. Maybe I just need to get my own place, although I am pretty sure I need to defeat the d mans avoidance before this can happen.
EDIT: It's been six hours. Worries about what Kelly will say are replaced by thoughts like "What is Kelly doing?" I hate when my brain gets stuck on one topic.
Final update for today.
The NHS has declined my complaint on all points. Seems pretty outrageous. I haven't been able to read most of it as it creates such stress I simply can't do it. Their response is many pages long. However I have already made an entire page of notes on what little I've read as their response seems contradictory and somewhat unrealistic. These aren't little mistakes they've made. They also enclosed a booklet saying "Complaining can make things better". For whom, I wonder?
Kelly has a new boyfriend. Kind of plays into my belief that women replace men easily. I last knew her to be single in January, so I guess 4 months is a long time to expect someone to remain single (assuming she didn't get with him months ago).
I guess if I'd taken every real-life opportunity I had in the last year, I could have replaced her a number of times over, so I cannot begrudge her for relationship-hopping. The difference is she can do it. I have tried it and it messes me up pretty badly. Who'd have thunk it, a man who doesn't want to get laid a million times, surrounded by women who do. This should help me to stop thinking about her. That's what I need, more than any death march down memory lane.
I've been reading through this diary and I realise that I need to change the way I view life. I used to face things with wit and humour, and I lost both those things. I've laughed out loud at some of the things I've written, and even I can't believe some of the situations I've been in. If my life were a film it would be the most ridiculous, insane farce of a comedy. So the watershed is gone, the milestone reached, and I'm back to being me.
So Kelly is with someone. I took this most unheroically and hurt her feelings. This made me feel like a sack of crap, especially when you look at what a man-whore I seem to be. I was upset because I wanted to be special to Kelly in the way she's special to me. A "friend" recently told me I wouldn't have been.
Kelly told me she does seem me as special and will never forget our time together. She said I'm talented, kind, funny and loving. A pity I haven't acted that way for bloody ages. I apologised for my less than gallant behaviour.
Now don't get me wrong, part of me is devastated Kelly is with someone. But realistically - she and I just didn't work. Not even remotely. And as everyone in my life is keen to repeatedly point out, I must stay away from women until I'm healed, as any kind of relationship would likely end in a disaster of my making.
I do not view Kelly as a "friend with benefits" - for a start, my aspie brain cannot tolerate this, as she would be neither one thing nor the other - not a girlfriend, not a friend - and that causes my brain to break. The main reasons are that I still respect and love her, and I would not demean her in that way. If she were single and I went to visit her, I would most certainly have demeaned her (several times). It's not fair to do this if it's not going to go anywhere.
God, my love life is such a mess, too many people, too many mixed emotions, nothing is black and white which offends my aspie sensibilities.
Had a good day so far. Kelly and I are staying friends and staying in touch, which means I'll probably be crying on her shoulder when my next relationship goes tits-up and she'll be inviting me round the moment her new relationship thunders down the U-bend.
I remember on our first date, thinking that a woman with such good looks (she's ravishing, with smouldering eyes that make you powerlessly take your trousers off) and formidable character wouldn't even notice me at all. She had her head on my shoulder within twenty minutes. I am normally pretty alpha on first dates but I was her bitch for the evening. It was a good date though, I like being scared of the girl I'm dating. It feels familiar.
I cannot knock her for getting with who she actually did a month ago, considering there are more Hell Knights in my relationship history than there are in Doom. I'm the last person to criticise others for their choices.
I have managed the impossible and got my only male friend to come out with me tonight. He's far shyer and more socially awkward than I am. I'm gonna see if I can break the barriers of a lifetime and introduce myself to a woman I don't know. Now this will end one of three ways: she'll become my best friend, she'll take me home or I'll end up running through the streets trailing my jacket like a banner of defeat. (Most of my dates have involved one of the last two scenarios. I'm not joking.)
I'll update tomorrow and see if I can finally, finally say hello to someone I don't know.
An extraordinary night, and an extraordinary reversal of fortune. Or a continuation of my usual fortune, depending on your perspective.
My friend, why is shy and socially awkward, and I suspect he has undiagnosed autism, got quite a lot of attention tonight. The best was when a very attractive blonde who had been shunning men all night started talking to him not long before we left. She had found a joke rubber penis on the floor. She was talking to him and laughing with him. I've never see him interact even this limited amount with a woman before. He was like "Do you think she liked me?" and I replied "Mate, you're the only man she gave any attention to all night and she started talking to you about a penis." I believe I blessed him with good fortune by farting on his head while he was putting his shoes on.
Tonight is the first night I managed to sustain eye contact with women who I caught looking at me. Twice. Then, something rather special happened.
THE BEST LOOKING WOMAN IN THE ENTIRE CLUB CAME OVER AND STARTED CHATTING ME UP.
She can only have been about twenty, but Jesus, she was so good looking it made me feel like Worzel Gummidge. She was looking right at me, I held her eyes (this is painful and personal for an aspie) and tried to smile at her, so she marched over and said "You look really smart". In my experience, compliments from women to men are uncommon, but compliments from a woman I don't know as an opening line are as rare as rocking horse poo.
Unfortunately, neither of us could hear each other over the music and she appeared to bottle it, going back to her friend.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jwgOtZ65w8M/Vc88JIJdu5I/AAAAAAAABNM/bAi6gD1wP38/s1600/infallible.jpg
My stupid old man ears, a lifetime of listening to music through headphones has screwed up my evening.
Afterwards, three girls were dancing practically on my toes and one of them gave me her drink, and her friend started trying to tell me what was in it, but I couldn't hear a chuffing thing. She might have been saying it was rohypnol and ground-up rat's gizzard. We clinked our glasses together and I had a chug. Then I didn't drink any more because I started feeling weird. Maybe it did have something in it after all. My mate seemed to feel I was "being paranoid" because I'm "a lightweight".
Well anyway we're home now, having vastly exceeded our hopes for tonight. It was a good night, would go again.
I've been playing the new Doom with my mate on his Xbox. It really is one of the most exciting, absorbing and fascinating games I've ever played. Going one on one with a Hell Baron and having it catch me out by heading me off as I tried to lead it into a trap, then fighting it toe to toe with the super shotgun and finally winning, was a shouting out loud moment. As a Doom fan of 21 years, this is exactly what I always wanted!
I've had a bit of a downer mood this afternoon. It's not so much the mood that worries me any more, it's the intrusive thoughts. The mood doesn't seem to cause these exactly - I seem to bring them on myself. It feels like the front of my head or brain is clenched and very strong, screaming emotions are trying to overwhelm me and take over. This always seems to happen when tired after a very late night and frequently happens when I am purely happy with no reason to be upset or scared. It creates a massive sense of vulnerability. That might be the core of my GAD exposing itself by mistake when it mounts an attack.
It's like the illness can't stand for me to be happy - like I must be I'll, I must be anxious about something. Like I'm mentally looking over my shoulder. The intrusive thoughts are ingrained into my soul. Looks like I'm going to have to purge the illness one molecule at a time.
And if there is one person with the brass balls to fight the anxiety as far and deep as it wants to go, that'll be me. I'll follow it to hell, rip its heart out and shove it up its arse.
I had to take my methotrexate last night (a once weekly medication for arthritis). I hate taking trex as it used to make me feel sick as a dog and create all sorts of horrible mood problems. I've learned that this is simply the effects of trex on the brain, it doesn't really affect my stomach. I take it right before bed to avoid any potential crash in mood. Sometimes I wake on Mondays feeling low, groggy, with intrusive thoughts. While this is definitely due in part to the meds, I believe it's mainly my response to the meds, and years of "that morning feeling" creating bad habits. Most Mondays I wake up feeling slightly nauseous, but with no effects whatsoever on my mood. If the trex was making me depressed then surely I would consistently suffer the same effects each week.
It's nearly the end of my free reign as my parents return from holiday abroad tomorrow. I find that not having a job has definitely helped with my anxiety (although the stress of running out of money is starting to tell) and overcoming my sense of isolation, loneliness and clinging to the past (by actually contacting people from my past and resolving my feelings for them) is helping more than I expected. My night out has bolstered my self belief considerably and my mate is similarly much more confident in himself, although he's still way too negative in general.
Being able to live my own life without the demands of others, and without my house being busier than an airport, has helped me to relax and has relieved some of my symptoms in ways I rarely experience. So it's been educational for me and I have progressed a lot. I am more convinced than ever that I do have demand avoidance issues.
But I know the first thing my folks will say on Wednesday is, "What have you been doing to find a job..."
I've lost my wallet. I haven't seen it since Saturday. I need it urgently as I need to use my card before the end of May otherwise I'll get charged interest on some things. I was deeply concerned that I might have been pick pocketed on Saturday, as I was briefly in the middle of a group (friends of the girl who gave me a drink), but I am 100% certain I still had it afterwards as my mate and I went to McDonald's. It's nowhere in my house that I can see and McDonald's haven't had it handed in. So God knows where that's gone.
I just realised something about my relationship with my abusive nutcase ex, Cara. This is my fault rather than hers, but she definitely played on it. I was concerned from the beginning that she might replace me, she was always telling stories about how 100% of men seem to find her irresistable. My fears that I was replaceable while she was not became magnified a millionfold during our time together. These fears have been growing like feedback ever since, making it almost impossible to imagine being happy and letting my guard down around women, which would obviously make a new relationship impossible.
It took the events of Saturday night to heal some of this damage (that's heal, as opposed to papering over the cracks). My friend also said he feels a great deal calmer and more confident. His exact words were: "I dunno, I just woke up feeling less... scared. And I haven't been scared since."
I have hit upon an absolutely genius idea to help me in my fight against the DWP. Unfortunately, it's also the most insane thing I've probably attempted, and it's signature Adam.
I've contacted three of my ex girlfriends and asked them to write supporting statements (if they want to). This led to a couple of rather long conversations which brought new revelations. I don't think I would recommend this course of action to others, but if you must, then do not take it lightly. I thought I was the only person affected by these breakups and it is shocking beyond belief to learn what impact I have had on others. While the exes I contacted are definitely still friendly towards me, I seem to have kicked up painful feelings and memories for them as well as myself.
The upshot is, two have agreed and one wants to think about it. A male friend I used to work with has also said he'll write a statement. Update: one has agreed, one wants to think about it, the third will do it but she's buggering me about over it.
These statements are to explain how my impairments have affected me, my friends/exes, and the unusual nature of our relationships/friendships. These are effectively character references which provide additional support to my argument that I cannot hold down romantic relationships, and am impaired socially and in the workplace. My advocates are quite excited that I thought to do this although they advised me the court does not have to accept the statements.
Speaking to my exes has caused some kind of emotional damage. That's one thing I didn't expect. I've always got on well with them. I have occasionally had support from and given support to each of them. The bad weather isn't helping my mood. It is supposed to be a fairly decent summer coming, which gives me some mental breathing room. I feel somewhat blessed that so many of my exes are prepared to stand by me. It certainly says something about them, but also about me. Something affirmative.
I am currently with my advocates discussing the nhs's 12-page rebuttal of my complaint. There is a great deal of self-contradiction and buck-passing in their response and my advocates believe the ombudsman is likely to tear it to shreds. We don't know how this will help me as yet.
I am now receiving support to claim ESA. This will be a small source of income allowing me to pay for therapy, and give me breathing room. I'll be able to get my head together so I can get and keep a job, and so I'll be able to hold down a relationship. So the signs are there that things might get better.
Edit: My advocates have been crying with laughter for the last ten minutes because of the way I described events in my life. I was just being typically blunt. It reminds me that I am right to change my approach with respect to using more humour.
I now have my cousins wife supporting my fight against the DWP. She works with disabled and autistic children and is familiar with many of the difficulties I face in daily life. This means I now have an ex colleague, a teacher, a Healthwatch advocate, my parents, a solicitor and up to three ex girlfriends all writing letters of support. If I don't get back on PIP with all that lot in my corner, I'd really love to see the court's argument why.
I am seeing an advocate tomorrow about signing onto ESA. As stated, the plan is to use the breathing room this gives me to get back into therapy and overcome the emotional trauma of my breakdown and my relationships. The night out and interacting with several women has helped my confidence and shown me there are some genuine women out there. We're out again this weekend where I am actually going to say hello to someone (they approached me on Saturday so I didn't really need to brave the approach myself for a change).
I have been able to fight off my brain's attempt to relapse into a depressive blip. I can see how the "depression" and intrusive thoughts/fears of suicide are linked to anxiety.
Finally, my therapist sent me this email which might benefit some of you:
"Demand Avoidance is a symptom that people get with ASD. It does not need to be a diagnosis in itself.
Having a diagnosis of ADHD/ASD could be more helpful to you *than having a diagnosis or of PDA as it is not typically recognised as an official diagnosis by the NHS.
Your diagnosis is likely to be a complex mix of ASD/ADHD with associated attachment issues. The PDA is likely *symptomatic of having ASD.
Attachment issues tend to start as a child feels neglected in some way and starts to become hypervigilant looking for signs that they are being cared for. If asked to do something e.g. wash dishes *they can rebel as they can feel more uncared for as the carer should be doing the things they are being asked to do."
I've discovered the magic downside to taking Strattera medication. It makes my pits smell quite unpleasant. However it *might* be partly due to my deodorant as I normally only notice the smell on rare occasions (usually in summer), but since I started using the deodorant I've been producing excrement-based choloroform in my pits every day. They could put it into grenades and sell it as a DLC weapon for Doom.
As you can imagine, this has impacted my confidence somewhat. Saturday is grinding back around and I don't want to be paranoid about this. I don't want some amazing brunette dancing with me, getting one whiff of my pits and evacuating her bowels in horror. That might make a fine tale to tell the grandkids (I would probably also submit it to Take a Break) but it's hardly the experience I need right now.
I've been discussing statements for the DWP with a former colleague. Needless to say, revisiting that point of my history has been tough.
One bright point. One of my ex girlfriends told me she didn't think I was as bad as I think I was. I know I've got some kind of grudge against my past. I think of it as a horror show of failure, frustration and depression. The reality is it was like that at times but I had a good family and I did have good experiences. I wasn't dominated by illness 100% of the time. The worst periods seem to be 2003-2006, 2009-2012 and late 2013 - mid 2015.
I remember mid 2012 (when I mutually agreed to end a relationship with Zoe, who was a cold-hearted and obnoxious cow that my family hated) to the end of 2013 being extraordinarily positive. This is indeed due to me getting her out of my life and discovering my own self worth. I was dominated by anxiety but I built up my self confidence and started working towards diagnosis with aspergers and ADHD.
The end of 2013 was a massive knock as I started taking sertraline and had horrible intrusive thoughts about suicide and so forth. It wasn't until 2015 that I was starting to get back together. The commencement of strattera in May 2015 was the turning point. From then on, I was heading for a breakdown, but that breakdown represented the end of my old life. It was the chance I needed to build something new.
I wouldn't place too much significance on the PDA bit-it's always been a contentious issue and most people see it as part of the ASD "package" as your therapist says.
You're right, Pulisa. There's a tendency to focus on labels and diagnoses, rather than the effects of the conditions themselves.
I'm currently with an advocate applying for ESA. I would definitely recommend getting an advocate, as there are some genuinely filthy tricks being played by the DWP. My therapist just told me that she's got patients with severe head injuries who are being declined ESA. I have been advised to pull every stunt I can think of (and I can think of a few good ones!) during my health assessment. I'm going to go in there like the Tasmanian Devil, the assessor will be lucky to finish a sentence and good luck to them getting anywhere near me during the parts where they have to put their hands on me to check my mobility!
Life with ADHD is living in a storm. Life when you're coping with ADHD is to BECOME the storm.
Right. My 45-minute appointment at the advocate's turned into 3 hours. If I drank any more coffee my temporal lobe would suffer an earthquake. Then I went home and worked for another two and a half hours.
The bloody ESA form, which is aimed at disabled people who are struggling to work, is fifty-five pages long. And it's fifty-five pages of repetitive, meandering crap where every single thing must be backed up by paperwork.
Well, if those target-oriented prats at the DWP want paperwork, I'll bloody give them paperwork. I sent copies of sick notes, personal statements from family and friends, copies of prescriptions, letters from doctors. The whole bundle would have been close to a hundred pages. Have fun reading that lot, creeps!
You can't order a meal for two people at KFC without them forgetting the gravy or the hot wings. And that's just two variety meals with one side. Imagine the unholy disaster when some under-motivated, poorly-trained moron who hates his employer, hates his job and probably hates everyone else too, has to comprehend a pile of A4 that weighs more than I do.
Will this "customer experience advisor" step up to the plate, realising that the only way to achieve happiness in life is to take it by the horns, upskill himself and do the best job possible? Or will they look at it, say "I'm not f:curse:g reading that lot, I can't understand half of it" and stick it in the bin?
Find out in the next episode of 'NoPoet's ESA claim form "gets lost in the post".'
Right, I've written six pages of a Reddit /nosleep style horror story. I've made a new friend, a girl from New Zealand, who is also an aspiring author. She's gonna be my guinea pig tomorrow when I've got it into some kind of order. I've incorporated asperger syndrome and ADHD into the protagonist's behaviour without them being intrusive or him being the "magic autistic" you see in many horror books.
I'm off out tonight with my mate Andy. I can't imagine tonight will be anything like last week - my nerve has gone and I've got squeaky bottom syndrome. I also cocked up and had a curry for dinner. My guts are gonna make some eyes water tonight.
Last week the most unbelievably beautiful woman I've ever seen strode across the dance floor and told me I look good. If that happens tonight I'll probably end up dropping my guts right in her face. Well at least it'll clear the way to the bar!
EDIT: We bottled out. This isn't entirely due to social anxiety. I've got loud and repulsive flatulence. My mate's got something wrong with his stomach. And we're both completely knackered. Aren't my mid-30s fun?
---------- Post added 05-06-16 at 00:52 ---------- Previous post was 04-06-16 at 21:22 ----------
I have used every spare minute of this evening to batter my horror story into shape. I've only posted the first part up on Reddit. This is a significant step for me: the sheer quality of Reddit's writers is formidable, especially for one who doubts himself as often as I do. I have fictionalised some of my real life experiences and used them in the story. The story is not autobiographical. The first part just gives background detail. Any comments are welcome:
I found a place darker than my own mind (https://wh.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/4mkw5n/i_found_a_place_darker_than_my_own_mind/)
Despite its title, this story is not triggering, there will be no gore or violence and it is not going to be depressing! Feedback here or on Reddit is welcome. Any /nosleepers who want to offer comments or gold are welcome :D
The story will be updated as often as Reddit allows.
My first personal statement arrived last night. This is from a male colleague describing me when he first met me in 2010. These are excerpts from separate parts of the document:
Adam’s behaviour was quite obsessive and he talked about the same things all the time. Even if it meant us having the same debate over and over again we did because that was part of who Adam is.
*
Adam was shy and awkward and did not seem to know how to be someone’s friend. I had to make the effort to talk to him and get to know him, to this day I am thankful that I did... I will continue to speak to Adam for as long as I can, if people took the time to get to know him and disregarded anything that was different about him then they would find a loyal friend.
It is a powerful reminder that people probably cared for me a lot more than I gave them credit for. This is something I've been told in the past but refused to believe. My therapist, who I spoke to on Friday, indicated that "attachment disorder" symptoms may include not feeling valued or loved by others without constant reassurance. This certainly describes me.
Finally, my friend and I went out for a walk in the glorious sun and two girls who walked past us started singing and dancing right in front of us. I was completely distracted and walked round them without looking, mentally writing them off as lunatics. My friend was convinced this was some weird way of getting us to talk to them. So we didn't go out last night and we still blew a chance to meet women. I am going to need a lot of help with this stuff!
EDIT: I have decided that once this is over I won't be contacting Kelly again. I love her, and she's a good person, but she's exactly the kind of woman I'm running from: she keeps me interested by indicating love, affection or sexual intent, then disappears when I start to respond. She takes days to reply then gives vague apologies, failing to clarify anything I ask her. I love her, but she's dodgy as feth, if not in her intentions then certainly in her actions. I don't need her to love me any more.
EDIT 2: The second part of my story is up. (https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/4mqcnv/i_found_a_place_darker_than_my_own_mind_part_2/) I'm still kind of building up to events and would be interested in any feedback. Again, the story is intended to be very frightening (the scary stuff hasn't started yet) but it is not intended to be triggering.
I've got my first subscribers on Reddit and have had quite a few votes, although given their convoluted voting system, I could have had two votes or fifty. The amount changes whenever you refresh it. I also read part one to my writing group and they had a lot of praise with one or two points to fix. This is really my first "published" (as in posted online) story that is not somehow placed in someone else's universe. I typically write 40K fanfiction. As such I am facing new challenges. I've been extremely motivated. I was up til half three last night writing - the first time I've stayed up so late doing something productive. I am aiming to get myself published and Reddikt /nosleep is my practice run before approaching a publisher.
I'm talking to my therapist in half an hour. It'll be our first catchup in nearly a year. I can't wait to explain how I quit my job because everyone was checking out my junk. (The can't wait is sarcasm.) One of my exes has got a bit weird about writing the supporting statement. Everything else is going ok with regards to the DWP. I've heard from the ombudsman about my NHS complaint but it's just an acknowledgement of receipt. Their investigation could take months.
I am struggling with my previous car insurance company as they are trying to charge me for a policy I cancelled, saying they took out a loan to pay my insurance with their third party partners. Instead of chasing them for their money back, they are chasing me, which means they and their partners both get their money. It smells like some kind of scam. I'm getting my advocates to look into it.
Interesting how all these things are real life problems and have little to do with anxiety or other issues...
My therapist didn't answer yesterday. She emailed me late at night apologising and saying she'd had an accident, so I could call today instead. I've just tried twice and it's going to answerphone. I need to do what I did with my ex, Kelly: I need to draw a line under this and go on alone. I can find another therapist, they might not be as talented but they'll be there if I need them. It's a shame because I was counting on her to help me against the DWP. I've got enough evidence now so it doesn't matter.
Hard to imagine that in two weeks, the battle against the DWP will be over for good or ill. Not having to worry about it either way sounds almost scary. Hopefully they'll reinstate my PIP and I can have regular therapy (and afford to actually repair my car - the crack in its windscreen is as tall as D'Artagnian's sword).
I need to work on my sleeping habits. I was up while 2.30am last night writing my Nosleep story. It is unbelievably cathartic. I'm getting good at disguising real issues and turning them into a narrative. Once it's finished I'm going to include it with submissions to smaller publishing houses looking for horror stories. I should have done this years ago.
In other news, I had a new friend called Gemma but I haven't heard from her since last week. I was hoping that spending time with me might make her more social but I guess not. I really need to meet people who aren't antisocial -- most of my friends in the last 20 years have been withdrawn types who don't like going out much.
I FINALLY managed to speak to my therapist. She said I can ring her any time I need a chat. (This is no guarantee she'll answer!) It was a good catchup covering nearly a year. Things have changed pretty drastically since we last met. She scored me on the ESA benefit chart and even giving the stingiest scores possible, I still come out in the "support" group. This is very good news: it gives me time to get my head back in the game and pay for appropriate support. As I said before, if I got a job or a relationship before I sort my head out, it won't go well. It all depends what kind of hatchet job the DWP do to me.
My supporting statements are coming back and my MP, Sarah Champion, has written to confirm she has been in touch with the NHS about my complaints.
My writing has come on in leaps and bounds, I am starting to hold my own on Reddit and the latest part of my story was described as "terrifying". I've become burned out though, with all the work I'm doing on my writing, my complaints, my PIP and ESA I am doing the work of a full time advocate. People get paid 25 grand a year for what I've done at my own time and expense.
I'm taking a break for a bit and trying to get earlier nights, I'm going to bed at 2.30-3.30am every night now. It's got to stop.
"This is getting ridiculous," as Fat Sam says in Bugsy Malone.
My debt management plan has been cancelled by Step Change as I cannot afford to make token payments - this means my creditors can now start charging me again and can go to debt management companies or court, which will incur extra charges. I must now deal with five creditors (two loan companies, two bank accounts, my former insurance company) on my own, which means another few dozen hours on the phone and writing letters. Thanks, Step Change, your debt management support has been amazing and it's left me in such a better position. Useless :curse:ers.
I have finally received statements from everyone who's participating in my support. This nearly led to me falling out with Kelly who's kept me waiting for days. In her statement, it is clear she had and still has very strong feelings for me, but it seems she's going to do nothing about them. What is it with women when they love you but they let it go? Do they not need love? They are willing to forgo real love for whatever's caught their attention at the moment.
I now have to print three copies of each statement - one for my PIP appeal, one for my ESA application, one for my NHS complaint. I must triplicate nearly everything I've got. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE HOURS, IF NOT DAYS.
My MP has contacted me to say they're chasing up my complaint against the NHS.
So I am now dealing with two departments of the DWP, various departments of the NHS, five credit companies, my local MP, two advocating companies (it was three but Step Change are out of the picture), the health Ombudsman and the courts. I am sitting in front of the computer for hours every day, doing the same workload as a full-time advocate earning £25k! My mum says I should study law at university. I said how can I, I'm too busy with this ridiculous Benny Hill chase!
I have submitted my final batch of evidence to court against the DWP. I have taken a very aggressive approach which I'll discuss later. I'm tired of playing nice, being the nice guy allows you to get torn to shreds, because while you're trying to shake hands, your opponent is going for your throat.
I had my second counselling session which turned up interesting results. We are going to try to "unpick" long term resentment, pain and anger to free me from the past.
The discussion of my history with women was interesting. We concluded that I am too openly needful of love and put too much of myself into relationships without getting anything back except sex. Note for posterity: I require way more than just sex in a relationship. Sorry Cara et al, sex with you is not the considerable privilege you think it is.
The type of woman I have been getting involved with is: alpha, dominant, confident, charismatic, very attractive, very intelligent, very experienced, with a history of problems, a controlling streak, who loves sex, doesn't respect men very much, is somewhat narcissistic, is likely to cheat or take her problems out on me and has her own reasons for wanting to make me need her or rely on her.
That's interesting as I have always said looks don't matter but every woman I've been involved with in the last two years has been very good looking and popular with men. I have learned to equate good looks with danger. Unfortunately I strongly associate danger with excitement, as I may be hooked on my body's constant production of adrenaline. And there is an element of male pride which I never realised, as any man who attracts good looking women will get some kind of buzz.
I am disregarding the attention of women who fall outside the above, rather conflicted type, which reinforces my belief that all women are bad (because I only notice the bad ones). EDIT: This says something bad about me. Weirdly, I am creating a few self fulfilling prophecies at once.
I don't consider myself super attractive, I don't have any money and I drive a Peugeot. I don't understand why I would appeal to people.
Sounds like I'm messed up but not beyond saving.
Looking through my posts almost embarrasses me. Anyone who doesn't live in my head may think my issues are trivial. It seems at times like I've got the world at my fingertips and that I'm complaining because I got mixed up with the opposite sex in very intense and unusual ways. Probably most people reading this will either think I'm exaggerating or stupid.
Anyone living in my head would understand. I may well be on the threshold of total recovery. All I need to do is say hello to someone and it will break 37 years of fear and resentment (unless she screams and runs for it). All I need to do is apply for a job and work my way up. All I have to do... Those are the words that should haunt me. I cannot do these simple things. It's like my mind is wrapped in plastic with no flexibility, no room for manoeuvre. It's like there's a glass wall between me and the world.
Anxiety. Fear. Depression. Anger. Pain. The reasons I joined nmp in the first place. None of these things are the CAUSE. I was born autistic. I am a being of order, born into a world that thrives on chaos. Aspies aren't God's mistake. We're his wards against bull***t. I need to respect my gift, play to my strengths, learn my weaknesses and limit their impact on my life.
I feel like God has not only given me a second chance; with the strattera he's wiped the slate clean. Tabula Rasa. This is a rare opportunity. In dealing with the mountains of crap required for my legal battles, I have achieved the formidable. I have proven to myself that in everything I do, I can excel if I show dedication and just be myself.
My problem is not anxiety. It's autism. Something I misunderstood and failed to respect. Well now I know. I'm going to learn how my aspie brain works and use it to make something good. And this means breaking the glass wall and unwrapping my brain.
And after all these years of pain an underachievement, I will recover, permanently, without the threat or fear of relapse.
You've made your breakthrough now, Adam. Work with your autism, don't fight it and use your skills-of which you have many- to your advantage. Use your insight and intelligence into making a more manageable, comfortable life for yourself which takes account of your autism but lets you fulfil your true potential.
Thanks, Pulisa, that's excellent advice :D :flowers:
Well, this first day of my new life has been a tough one. The mental stress of this week almost broke me and I woke feeling exhausted and depressed. It wore off gradually, I've done a little bit more work but mainly chilled out and concentrated on my horror story. The rainy weather has played on my nerves, it's like whenever it rains and the skies are grey there are electrodes plugged into my temples which affect my anxiety and my mood.
I've just been writing for three hours with headphones in, and even though I'm writing a horror story I've been loving every second. My mood became low and anxious after rejoining the real world. This happens all the time: whenever I disengage from something which I'm focused on I become distressed. I think it's just the return of anxiety and bad memories, which means it's nothing serious. But it's a reminder that anxiety and low mood do still have an influence on my life.
EDIT: I figured out why I've been feeling low today. Dealing with the DWP stuff is morale destroying. I need to forget it until court on the 22nd. Let's see if I can do this.
Life can be very tough and challenging for insightful people with ASD who are also dealing with severe anxiety. Don't be hard on yourself and carry on doing all the things you know help you get above the anxiety.
Thank you. High functioning autism is a blessing as you can live a near-normal life, and a curse because there's just some fundamental "disconnect" between you and the human world which makes it hard to fit in. It's relevant because of what happened tonight.
Tonight me and my friend went on a night out. It wasn't a particularly fun or dramatic night, especially compared to last time. We had to borrow my dad's car and it now smells strongly of chicken.
I still wasn't able to say much to women although two women danced so close to me I had to ask one not to tread on my foot with her killer heels! However this changed at the eleventh hour when I struck up a conversation with a devastatingly attractive girl in a food shop. She starting talking about her own breasts for some reason (among other less sexual stuff). When she and her friend got their food they left but she turned back and we just exchanged this look and said goodbye to each other. It felt really significant. I was happy to have actually connected to someone, but it has hurt me in some way.
My friend managed to ruin the evening by scaring the crap out of me when I was dropping him off. He went on a massive tantrum which ended with him threatening to take his own life. Anyone who's known me for a while will know I have a morbid dread of this topic, it's kind of like a phobia, a deep-seated horror that is responsible for a great deal of my anxiety problems over the years.
I told him that he doesn't come across as depressed - he may well be depressed but he seems angry and frustrated, wanting more from life and not being able to get it. I said he's got the same problem as me, something in our brains that prevents us from taking that next step towards our dreams. He knows I think he's an aspie.
I said this problem, this faulty mechanism in the brain, is causing the anger and frustration and they in turn are causing the depression. I tried to make him understand that if he destroys the problem and is able to move forward in life, he won't need the anger, or the fear, or the depression any more.
It's left me feeling worried, sick and shaken, I didn't want to leave him but he didn't seem as bad.
My friend is much better today. His outburst last night came for two reasons: one, I supposedly get way more attention than him. Two, we bumped into a girl he works with that he has a crush on. Now I am nearly 100% certain she likes him too, but nothing happened. He barely spoke to her and she didn't try anything either. He was raging about it afterwards.
My sister and my few decent friends say they hate approaching men because they are quite often rebuffed, and they can be seen as desperate or psychos. Every time I've got involved with someone who made a move on me, it's been a disaster. It is probably a good thing this person didn't make a move on him.
This has made me realise we've lost the mission. We were supposed to be going out to get used to people and unfamiliar situations, and overcome our terrible difficulties in saying hello to people we don't know. We weren't going out to find love, or get laid, or be Casanovas. It's starting to become a popularity contest between us, with threats of suicide when my mate hasn't "pulled".
The simple, earnest desire to better ourselves and break through the glass barrier has become an obsessive crusade that is going to get someone in serious trouble. It's time to roll things back and start again.
EDIT: I've started having dreams about getting back together with Kelly. These are very emotional, I'd almost say troubled dreams.
My court date draws ever nearer: 22nd June 2016. I still don't know what the meeting arrangements are for me and my advocates. My dad spoke to them this morning while I was at my writing class and I am totally mystified about what was said, as he won't tell me. They didn't discuss anything about our arrangements for meeting on the day. I am under a black cloud of uncertainty. Uncertainty, as anyone with anxiety will know, is poisonous. It ruins our ability to get on with or enjoy life. My anxiety, stress and anger will continue to grow until I end up blowing my top, probably on the day itself.
My dad can't come to court as he is working that day - he gives talks to history groups. You'd think he'd try to rearrange something, but work evidently comes first.
My horror story is struggling, maybe because I simply write too much, and chose a crap title. That said I do have a (very) small following. I chopped 1,000 words off Part 5 as it was struggling to get any upvotes. It definitely affects my mood and self-confidence, but this is my first "live fire exercise" by writing a totally different genre in a world I have created from scratch. If I'm making mistakes that I wouldn't usually, it's because I'm creating something that isn't usual. I've learned a ton of lessons for next time. Low scores for some of my work is something I must accept if I want to live a normal life.
The story feels cathartic in some ways but I'm not entirely sure it is healing me. I've amalgamated Laura, Cara and Kelly from real life into one character. Am I indulging my obsessions with these people, or am I working through it? My mum ascribes my fixation with them to my hormones. I think these women, the Unholy Trinity, have made such an impact I might never fully heal. They were so dominant, so exciting, so sexy, so easily able to run rings round me, that I was fully engaged in battling them on every level. It gave my confused, scrambled life something to focus on. It lessened my anxiety because I was straining to compete. My life started to change when I "caught up" and these people couldn't outmanoeuvre me any more - that's when things somehow got worse.
My writing group have said I'm writing to a publishable standard already. People don't want to read their stuff out after me because they feel they don't compare. This is flattering, but it's not the effect I'm meaning to have. It links into my unconscious ability to "shut people down" - there is something about me that stops other people. I can end conversations in one sentence. I close things down too much. I don't offer enough encouragement to others or get into banter with them enough.
This is all part of my social impairment. I just don't seem to be able to overcome it at this point. I want to join conversations, not end them. Maybe this is why my relationships end: we live three or four years in the space of three or four weeks. I'm accelerating through life at a pace no-one keeps up with. Am I trying to outrun myself?
EDIT: Apologies for the grim tone, things are tough but I'll get through them.
My horror story has had two fantastic comments overnight but one of them appears to have been deleted, or is otherwise impossible to view except in my inbox. The comments I'm receiving seem to be better than the comments on more popular stories. I just wish I'd chosen a better title, it's so anonymous and sounds like some depressing Emo poem.
My stress and anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm falling out with my family and behaving like an arse. I'm going to bed too late, getting up too late, I'm spending all day in front of a computer either working through pages of letters or writing that horror story which is almost as painful to write as it is cathartic.
I know things are going to be better once the court case is over next week... but it occurs to me that I'm failing the test right now. I can't just be a good son and a fun person when things are going well. I've got to maintain courage, humour and self belief at times like this, when the weather is terrible and my situation is desperate. Maybe that's what God is trying to teach me. My situation is so grave I can't believe it is anything other than some ultimate test; I'm being pushed to the limit of destruction, and I'm wrecking my life and my family.
This might be my last week without money, without support, without hope. In eight days I might have won the battle of my lifetime. I might be able to pay off some debt, get back into regular support. Do I stumble across the line, whining and complaining? Or do I cross it with my head held high, summoning whatever nobility is left in me and thanking the people who've put up with my behaviour?
Equally, do I continue to dwell in the darkness of the past, complaining about how certain women have treated me, or do I finally let it go and enjoy eventually meeting someone decent? I have proven I can do the latter, so why hang on to Cara and Laura when I can find someone better?
New to your diary, I love how positive you want to be, don't feel down if you can't always achieve that. It counts for something that your goal is to be positive.
"The simple, earnest desire to better ourselves and break through the glass barrier has become an obsessive crusade that is going to get someone in serious trouble. It's time to roll things back and start again."
It's great that you realized that and changed it. It's easy to miss the mistakes you make when trying to improve at something you're not naturally attuned to.
I'm in a long term relationship so it's been different for me, but I'm trying to improve my social activity in a similar way, it's not easy but when you do it right it's fun. Good luck :)
Thank for sharing!
Hi HalfJack, nice to make a new friend :D
I peeked at your blog and need to come back to it when I've got some time. Your writing style is humbling :)
The hardest part about improving tor social life is getting the ball rolling. For example today in Morrisons, the woman behind me in the checkout queue seemed to want to talk to me but all I did was give her a smile. I've learned that other people have the same difficulty as me at striking up a conversation. This is hard to accept as part of me wants to think things are worse for me.
I want to think things are easy for women and they're all out to get me. So I'm making it impossible for them to get to know me, while claiming they're the ones with the problem.
My horror story is gaining traction as male readers are starting to identify with the character. The story has become a shadow of my life, seen through a mirror darkly. It's become a parable about a man's vulnerability, and how outside forces seek to exploit that vulnerability. Anyone who's been hurt or betrayed might identify regardless of gender. It's surprising how many men identify with a character like the one I created, because I did base it heavily on myself. These are a lot of lessons here.
I keep feeling like I am "trying to be depressed" with the pressure I'm under. It feels a bit artificial, like I am forcing myself to feel that way. I've spent the last hour or more examining my credit rating, paying late direct debits and contacting creditors. They've been ok with me so far and my credit rating isn't terrible as yet; they're giving me the time to get through the court process and see if I can get back on PIP.
PIP should not be used to pay debts back, but my situation is so desperate it's gonna have to be, which again will impact the amount of support I can pay for and money I can live on. Overall though, despite the tedium and mind-bending frustration, talking to my creditors is working, it's just eating away at my energy and remaining cash.
I couldn't get to sleep the last few nights as my body simply wasn't tired even though my mind was exhausted. This is an emerging issue caused by sitting on a computer all day. The weather has rained and been cold non stop for 5 days and is only brightening up now. I'd be able to get out if I knew anyone who actually wanted to go anywhere. I really need to be careful who my friends are from now on, I always end up lonely and marooned cos people never want to do anything. I feel like time is slipping by.
All my choices have led to this point. Will I make smarter choices in future?
Thank you! I've got about 15 more articles written in draft, hoping to release one a week from next week.
It's easy to feel like an outsider, I'm really glad you've been able to see others identifying with your fiction! Many lessons indeed!
It's strange really, a lot of women think men have it easy and that all they want to do is manipulate women for their own gain. Most of my ex's were unfaithful, so I assumed all guys were like that for a while. It is a completely reasonable conclusion after having a lot of heartbreak or betrayal to assume that that's all there is, but it is incorrect. You know that though! So you can (and will) improve it I'm sure.
If it's part of how you see yourself it can be hard to alter that, especially if you see yourself as an outsider. Thanks to a good friend on here I now know that it's something I need to work on too. It's not a dead end though, just part of the process.
I write horror stories too. Maybe we can trade some sometime? No pressure though! Inbox me if you ever do. Mine are all pretty short.
Having a schedule and completing things ahead of time is amazing. Not everyone can do that, so congratulate yourself! Should be some very interesting reading.
It's strange really, a lot of women think men have it easy...
I have actually heard that from some women. Men have more to lose in terms of their kids, their home etc if a marriage or long term relationship breaks up. Single women tend to have the kids so a man needs to be able to bond with them, put up with constantly hearing about their dads and often even meet their dads (which is horribly awkward). Every woman I've been with has seen me as a babyfather as soon as she realises I'm good with kids. My last two exes have been somewhat bicurious so I've had to worry about them cheating with women as well as men. Bicuriosity is practically demanded from women these days and people do not seem to regard it as cheating - the boyfriend may be stupid enough to actively encourage it.*
Since I started going out more and looking around more, I have noticed a ton of women making the first move and I have learned to understand the subtle way they do it. Some of them looking nervous or terrified while doing it which earns my respect. I don't know many men so I can't comment about men who cheat. I do see men in clubs who literally try to dance or get near every single woman, and this spoils it for everyone else (male or female).
A human being presumably be tempted only so many times before falling, since we're not Jesus. So really, anyone can be a cheat.
I write horror stories too. Maybe we can trade some sometime? No pressure though! Inbox me if you ever do. Mine are all pretty short.
The story I'm working on is a /Nosleep horror so it may not be suitable if you suffer from anxiety. I'll PM you the link, feel free to link to yours!
If you read mine, beware of parts 3 and 6, you might find them disturbing. (I was hurting for two days after writing part 6.)
* To soothe the PC brigade's wrath, I mean he's stupid because he's allowing his partner to get sexual pleasure from someone outside their relationship while he can't. Recipe for disaster. (Probably a lot worse if they're both at it, though.)
My parents met the solicitor acting as my advocate today. He is optimistic that my impairments are going to scorely quite highly under daily living but I suppose it depends how biased the court is. He says they're aware Atos Healthcare have a very poor reputation and make mistakes or strange judgment calls so that actually could be an advantage: the solicitor pointed out several strange comments and scores that are lower than they should have been considering the evidence I've provided.
My creditors are holding off for a while and several have put me in touch with specialist teams.
I have been successfully able to demonstrate how my debt is entirely linked to my illness and Healthwatch actually didn't think of some of the points I raised. That's where being an aspie comes in handy - we've got an eye for details like a hawk spotting mice.
I've started writing my response to the Ombudsman and have started off by utterly trashing my previous doctor. It's all been done in a clever way and all my points reinforce the others. A cats cradle of destruction, designed to smash the NHS's defence to pieces.
I saw Laura today which was a bit of a jolt, but I don't think she saw me. Will I ever get over her?
I had a bad blip starting last night and have been in a state today, although I still managed to get out for a few hours.
Blips make me feel like I've suffered physical brain damage. I used to wonder if there was any purpose behind blips. They are like a screaming clamour of negative thoughts and painful memories and sensations - I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted during and after a blip. It's like constant waves of poisonous sensations slamming into my mind. While this is definitely due to my neurological conditions, blips are responsible for preventing my recovery. I can go a week feeling completely fine then wham.
I think I've buried so many painful thoughts, feelings and memories that I "can't keep them underground, can't stop them screaming out". They're like some kind of meltdown, or an internal release of pressure. The crappy weather has something to do with it, and my mate's outburst last weekend has forced me to confront fears long buried. Going to court is definitely playing its part.
I alternate between feeling "truly depressed" and feeling normal. The "depression" seems to be more a kind of dark anger and frustration that I'm misinterpreting. I still clearly need professional help, a pity I've had to wage war on the DWP for nineteen months to get it.
My dad thinks I've got a fantastic case against the NHS ("that bunch of bloody crooks" as he calls them) and Healthwatch have agreed my argument is both logical and watertight. I just can't face all these constant battles all the time.
I'm going to TRY to use this weekend to relax and have fun, but until this court case is over I don't know how I will manage it. Still, I've got good friends, a loving family and some ridiculously talented advocates. I will prove that I am the last person those idiots at the DWP and NHS should have crossed.
EDIT: I seem to be coming down with a cold, which explains the unusual severity of this blip. I get way more anxious and distressed when I'm ill, then as soon as I start feeling better my mood rockets.
Wow, at nearly 90 views per day on average, this thread is being followed by someone... I wish my Reddit story was this popular! Speaking of which I haven't worked on that for a few days as my mood has been too low, and writing part 6 really hurt me in a way I wasn't expecting. I've decided to carry on with a new title and link back to the old stuff, see if this gives me fresh inspiration and more votes/comments.
I still have Cara's number on my spare phone. The temptation to call her is almost overwhelming. I might get company, love and sex after just one call, but it will all be false, and I would probably need to take a weapon with me. Things really are that bad over there. It's not who I am, it's not where my life needs to go. EDIT: She might also go ape**** or cause me some kind of trouble.
Today my mood has definitely improved, and with it, some of my confidence is back. My friend Andy and I were approached by women twice today, what the hell's going on?? I'm getting more attention than Laura and Cara combined. Oh, and a stunning brunette trod on my foot in Meadowhall.
The problem is the "glass wall" as Andy and I have been calling it. It's cracking, but still there. THEY are approaching US and we are still wrecking things by running away. Andy was considerably bolstered by what happened today - he says he's been up and down all week.
Hopefully we can shatter the glass wall for good, and then we can get on with our lives! Between this, and my court case in 4 days, I can retire most of my problems, so this is a massive week for me. I have started wondering what I'm going to think about once these issues are resolved, because they've dominated my life for so long.
This is the downside to being an aspie. You know you're getting obsessed. You know you're being unreasonable. It hurts you, it goes on hurting you, but you cannot take another road. You have to do what you have to do. That's where freedom lies for us. Not in avoidance, but in smashing straight through it, taking fire, surviving fire, laying waste to whatever is in our way.
My apologies, I've have been Out and am a bit?Drinking.
We went to town and it was like student night. There were some women. I've think they were Students
So we ended up going to city and at first it was like Dantes Ibferno if everyone involved had ****ed off home and left let their Kids loose. Nice one, my mate says, you recommended a night at the junior school.
went into this bar and I literally pulled within two minutes with this super fit blonde who was singing to me dancing and stuff, you know all that. But I was wasn't PRepared for that and I was embarrassed because I'd been singing to a take that Light my fire. But Icicles it up because I was embarrassed about dancing to tks that and also I wasn't expecting it, and unfortunately this posses her off. She walked out. And then the ****ing
@o we ended up in this eighties bat and she was there with her mate. They just "happened? To end up standing next to me and her mate kept nudging me with her arm for some.. Reason
SOD THIS KEYBOARD!
What I'm trying to say is, I have offended this blonde because I snubbed her without meaning to. I actually liked her and would have danced with her but I've got adpergers so what do you expect? Andy reckons her mate liked me as well. Her mate put her leg near my head on the stairs, and the blonde kept dancing close and putting her arm out near my face and touched me with her hair, but when I looked at her she deliberately turned away. It was. Like she was playing mind games even though she didn't even Know me. This brought back really bad memories and I found it really creepy.
We ended up getting out of there and running for it . She can ****ing stalk someone else!
WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND WOMEN???
georgewing
19-06-16, 05:50
Good atitude ,i like very much that you are a fighter and you dont complain so much .I heard many people dealing with anxiety that are tired of life and they dont want to live anymore ,this its not a solution .I know on me anxiety its a pain in the ass but you must fight and deal with it if you never give up eventualy will leave .Good luck to you
Hi Georgewing, thank you. You're right, the solution is to get better, not give in. Resist, don't serve. The irony with anxiety is, things are typically far better than people realise. Anxiety and depression cause cognitive distortions which basically mean your thinking is biased. Feeling hopeless is basically a waste of time - hope exists outside of us, which means it's there whether we choose to see it or not.
I've kind of fallen out with my friend Gemma, as she asked how last night went, she doesn't quite believe it. This is the exact problem I had with the other girls from work, none of them want to believe I encounter nut-jobs, they want their love lives to be full of trauma, danger and betrayal and mine to be perfect.
Last night has set me back by several weeks. I feel very vulnerable and it's reactivated a lot of crap for me. To an aspie, just as to someone with social anxiety, having a stranger getting in your space and hanging around you can be very threatening. Why else would two grown men "bug out" and drive away?
Unfortunately, there are sharks in the sea. I feel little desire to go out again, and I'm not dressing smart next time. Every time I dress smart I get a lot of attention which is good, but it turned nasty last night, so it's not worth it. My friend has now witnessed first hand the weird way some people act towards me and he certainly wasn't jealous about that - I now finally have a witness.
Edit: my female friend is so adamant that I'm wrong I have ended up deleting her texts and her number. I require support and understanding from my friends, not a load of crap. She even told everything to her other friend who also agreed I'm wrong. Well, if they've got an IQ higher than 150 and were there, then I'll believe them. Otherwise it's the sin bin for them.
I have talked to my sisters about what happened last night and with my friend today. They tell me I've overreacted to my friend having an opinion. But with what's happened this last year, and admittedly who I am as a person (quick to anger, mistrustful, frustrated that people constantly want to downplay everything), how can I react any other way? When I tell a friend I had a bad experience with a woman, then she goes to great lengths to make it sound like this woman didn't actually give a damn about me, all she's doing is confusing me and making me feel like she can't stand the idea of someone who might actually have found me attractive.
This is a real problem for me. All I want is for her to say "You had a bad experience, it is a bit weird but you'll get over it", instead I get crap like "You misinterpreted it". I know it sounds like I'm on some anti female crusade, I'm honestly not, I just don't get why female friends are always the ones trying to downplay the behaviour of other women. They do it all the time. Does it somehow damage them as a person if some random woman acts weird on a night out? Do the actions of one wound the many? Of course not.
I genuinely, honestly believe they cannot stand someone having a more colourful "love" life (and dancing with a woman doesn't even count as that! Nothing happened with her!). I cannot figure out why people have to play devil's advocate. It makes me so frustrated.
My response is always to see the "friend" as a threat and to want to get rid of them. I miss them and I feel bad for cutting them out, but it's like splinters of the anger stay lodged. I always associate that person with those bad emotions. It's a feeling of betrayal.
Having calmed down slightly from yesterday, I now find myself with one more day to get through, carrying the intolerable burden of my DWP case, before I slay the dragon. Whether I succeed or fail is now in God's hands. As I've said before, this is a faithless world, and I have come to believe that asperger syndrome was created so that some humans would continue to experience loyalty, faith and truthfulness in a world where nastiness and segregation are celebrated. My court case will not change the world, but it will decide the course of my life, and what impact I will be able to have on others. If I succeed, I get my life back. If I fail, then I must declare myself bankrupt and forge my way with no support, potentially falling prey to everyone I encounter, unable to drastically alter my fortune except through excruciating effort.
I've proven to myself that I can meet new people and when I am able to hold my nerve, I can spend my Saturday nights dancing and laughing with some amazing, confident woman, maybe make new friends and start dating again. Develop my self esteem. Build my social skills. Learn to dance, practice my singing. Treat someone I don't know with love and respect to build her self worth. Start looking forward to going out rather than holding the idea of Saturday night in some dreadful trepidation.
I've finally come to that crossroads in life. Recovery lies down one road, despair down another. When it comes down to it, when things were at their worst, when hope seemed eclipsed by black clouds and the roaring crowd surrounded me, I'll look back on this as my finest hour - the day where I gathered everything I had left and stood defiant.
If the universe wants a fight, it's going to get one.
Today is the last day before everything is decided. Nineteen months of pain and uncertainty will be over in a day.
I've been too wired to sleep. Last night I continued my horror story when new inspiration struck. I changed the title, and my latest instalment has garnered more upvotes and more comments in ten hours than any of the other parts managed in over a week. I guess I just need to keep myself occupied all day to prevent the anxiety from taking over: staunching the flow of anxiety has always seemed to be as realistic as commanding the ocean tides to stop, but let's see what happens.
Well, the last day is over, and it's actually gone really well, except for badly hurting my right foot which has resulted in a pronounced limp! I managed to get my Windows tablet working again and have been battering away at my writing.
The latest part of my horror story has proven to be extremely popular (considering I'm a newcomer) and is leaving the previous parts in the dust, so to speak. Goes to show what difference a good, descriptive title makes on /Nosleep! ("I'm being stalked by a woman who can look like anyone")
I received a very powerful comment from a fellow aspie who is further along the road than I am. He is on the same medication (strattera) and had the same reaction as I did, which he called "seeing past the veil" as a reference to something mentioned in my story. He said this new found ability is extremely scary, it "will make you a loner by nature, but will protect you from the evil in this world".
Literally every sentence of his (or her) lengthy comment had meaning for me and I screenshotted it to use it as a guiding light during this dark time.
My mate suggested that on this Saturday, I try to take two women home at once! Er, no thanks, that's not what it's about, and anyway I can barely manage to survive one at a time! :P (He was probably joking as he's a decent bloke)
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/2c/9c/a8/2c9ca8510521ce8fd21000e0b7699838.jpg
---------- Post added at 12:41 ---------- Previous post was at 09:04 ----------
The judge has delayed my case on a technicality until 1st August. I went ****ing mental. My solicitor said losing the plot at the judge may have actually helped me. I called the judge "another neurotypical with a problem" and refused to accept his apologies. My solicitor was disappointed and annoyed as he felt the appeal should have continued and didn't see why the judge declined to go ahead.
The DWP did send someone to represent them. This likely means they think I'll be awarded PIP unless they do their worst.
The nightmare continues.
I spent over an hour on the phone to one of my creditors and they waived £70 in interest charges. I saved £340 on my car insurance last week. So I've cut a considerable chunk from my "potential debts". My creditors have been genuinely amazing and are agreeing to back off for various amounts of time. I urge ANYONE with debts to get on the phone as soon as possible. Most lenders will have specialist teams to deal with people whose debts are linked to their health conditions.
The problem is not so much my debt now, but my monthly living costs - broadband, car tax/insurance/fuel, prescription prepayment card, etc.
The utterly unbelievable decision by the magistrate today has caused problems I simply wasn't prepared for. I can't move on from this mess; I can't pay for therapy; I can't declare bankruptcy in case I end up getting a large PIP backpayment, which means I'll have spent £700 wrecking my financial future for no reason. I also can't afford to survive for another two months with no income.
So I now face having to get a job, which will screw my ESA application, and I'll have to hold the job down with no support except for seven more free counselling sessions. This means more socialising with people when I don't bloody TRUST anyone, and no doubt being led down the primrose path by someone who recognises my vulnerability. Or maybe getting stalked and abused again, that old chestnut which genuinely seemed to be rearing its head last Saturday night.
Why can't the powers that be get ANYTHING right? It's not like this is just a small oversight, this is a major problem that has penalised me unfairly, delayed my appeal by two months and caused considerable inconvenience and distress. I have barely slept these past 2-3 weeks, they're telling me I've got to go through it all again? And my ESA application will most likely be worked at that time, and the Health Ombudsman will no doubt be responding to me then as well, so I'll be right back here, in the line of fire.
They can genuinely, wholeheartedly kiss the fleshy pear of my backside.
I think I am starting to develop a crush on my counsellor. She's a little bit older than me, highly confident, highly intelligent, she's got dark hair and she looks a bit like my ex Kelly, the one I can't seem to get over. She also "gets" me because she's had extensive experience working with autistic people. (If she were also a controlling nutter, she'd be exactly my type! :P)
She drew a series of concentric circles with me in the middle. We made a list of most of my pressing issues, and she drew them in the circle immediately next to me. What she was trying to show was that I don't prioritise things, put them on the back burner or otherwise downgrade their seriousness. I attempt to deal with them all at once. So the next few days will involve me thinking about this and trying to create some sort of structure to my problems so I can focus on one thing and not get bogged down with stuff that isn't urgent.
She counselled a great deal of caution on nights out, particularly after what happened last weekend; she also strongly recommended I separate my attempts at being social from my attempts to get into a relationship, as the former is much more important than the latter at this time. In other words, what I was originally trying to do - feel more comfortable around people I don't know, strike up conversations with women I don't know, maybe broaden my social life a bit - was the right thing. "Losing the mission" as I did has not helped at all, it set me back and led to an encounter that shook my confidence and ended up costing me Gemma's friendship. My counsellor seemed to think going out to get sex was important to me. I wouldn't be unhappy if a night out ended in sex with someone I actually liked, but it's not something I am really looking for. I've never had sex with someone I don't care about.
Oh, and I'm voting Leave, since I haven't heard a single good argument to Remain. In fact, the Remain camp seem determined to smear the Leave campaign, and Remain seems rooted in fear of the unknown. I equate "facing the unknown with courage" with recovery, hope and progress; I equate "Maintaining the status quo due to fear" with illness, depression and stagnation.
I've messaged my friend and told him we should risk going back to the city on Saturday night. We're not gonna progress, and it's definitely not as interesting, to go to the local town, since hardly anybody goes there... and the last two times we went to the city I met someone within five minutes. It's terrifying when someone makes overtures towards you, but it's incredibly addictive.
I need to meet people and actually interact with them, dance with them, talk to them, get to know them. It's not good enough to simply go out, exchange looks with people then come home and spend the next six days wishing I'd done something about it.
I can't face many more weeks of sitting at home writing complaints and dealing with financial problems, with nobody to hang out with and nowhere to go. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home, I love my family, I love writing and I'm loving this hot weather - but I want more from life. New friends, new experiences.
I've progressed a long way in a short time. I no longer doubt that I can or will meet someone. I no longer feel unattractive, unwanted or ugly. I certainly don't feel the need to put myself through the ridiculous farce of online dating (ugh). But I need to prove that I can connect with people, have a good evening with them, dance and laugh and feel close to someone. That I can give them a good time.
Ghosts are on the verge of being exorcised. The old pain and fear and anger are literally hanging on by threads. Will this be the weekend I sever the threads? How long ago it seems that I was pining for my friend Amy, or my ex Cara. How much I've changed within myself. I'm no longer Matt Malone from Game On. I'm starting to belong to the world.
In an extraordinary change of destiny, Britain has actually done it - we've taken back our independence. I was 100% expecting the vote to be Remain. It was very close considering I have barely met anyone who wants to stay - I'd say they were outnumbered ten to one by people wanting to Leave. This means the vote was NOT rigged (as in the Leave decision was allowed to stand), which has restored some of my buckling, collapsing faith in humanity. And that pig-sexer is going, which is a thing to rejoice.
EDIT: I do wonder, though, why the result was so close. I literally know three or four people who voted Remain, and dozens who voted leave.
My horror story's latest instalment hasn't had many thumbs up but I'm receiving an extraordinary number of comments and messages (compared to previous parts) and my writing has affected many people, often in ways I didn't anticipate. Looks like taking the plunge and actually going for it is reaping unexpected benefits. EDIT2: My original focus was on practicing to eventually get something published for money. However with everything that's been going on, and the fact I have no idea where my horror story is going, I've become bogged down and essentially trapped in the story.
I've messaged my friend several times about going to the city tomorrow night. He hasn't responded. If he doesn't want to go, I'm gonna go it alone. That's possibly the most stupid thing I can do, considering I will quite literally be at someone's mercy, but I must face this risk. I've got to control my own fate just as Britain is now doing. I've got to trust that I will meet someone good - someone decent - and not some drunken stalker with a chip on her shoulder. The idea of spending another week of glorious weather sat in front of a computer is tough; I want a life.
My friend isn't going out tonight as he "feels tired". This means if I want to go out, I'll be going on my own, and I've got a really smart set of clothes. Even my autism counsellor thinks it's dangerous for me to go out alone. This is hard to communicate to people who simply see me as a man and therefore believe I cannot be vulnerable, which is total BS. I've got a proven track record of attracting weirdoes and predators who identify my cognitive "blind spots" and hide within them. I'm sure most people are decent and weirdoes are the minority. I must unintentionally seek them out for the thrill and the danger: I cannot defend myself because I'm often unaware that I'm under attack, and I know from experience that you simply cannot predict what a person "scorned" (even if only in her imagination) will do. There's also the double standards element, where if things go wrong, everyone sides with her. All of this combines to create a heady and intoxicating sense of desperate adventure where one wrong move spells doom and the right moves could provide unlimited reward.
Let's see what happens.
Not sure if this is an omen: a girl I dated a few weeks ago, and ended up blocking as soon as I got home, has just joined Facebook and appeared on my "suggested friends" page. Why the hell has that happened?
I think I've seen her car, a really distinctive special edition Peugeot (unfortunately superior to my 307 Feline in every possible way, except mine's louder, so PWN3D) parked at a crappy shed near where I live. Why Kate, is this the successful business you're a designer for?
My friend told me he cried off from tonight because he's exhausted, but also implied it's because I get all the attention and he's sick of feeling overlooked. I implied in response that he should remove his thumb from his sphincter and dance, smile, look around, and try not to look like he'd rather be working overnight at Morrisons.
I also told him that due to "attention" I received last week, he and I ended up walking very quickly back to my car, accelerating out of there at illegal pace, then I spent the following hour cursing all blondes, then we arrived home after being out for only two hours - so if he wants that attention he can bloody have it.
And seeing Kate on Facebook has kind of put me off going out tonight, especially on my own.
EDIT: Decided not to go out tonight, it's not the kind of thing I'm ready to do alone yet!
I messaged Kelly asking if she was still in a relationship. She avoided answering at first then said yes and changed the subject. She asked how my court case went and that she'd been thinking about me. For all I complain about my love life, the reality is, most of my exes are decent and wouldn't "mess about" for a day or a night. It's annoying, but it's a good thing overall, since being around Kelly would mess me up seriously while I'm feeling this damaged. We didn't work while we were together, that ship has sailed, and I can't let loneliness take me off course. I'd rather be friends with Kelly and get no love or comfort from her, than spend one night with her and lose her afterwards.
I am struggling to interpret the behaviour of yet another ex. She constantly points out that she's my ex. But at the same time she makes posts about how she misses her current boyfriend while he's away and finds life harder without him.
Why can't people be straight with me and stop confusing me? Thing is, when people get weird with me and I openly interpret this as romantic attention, they run a mile. When I'm in a relationship or when I don't message them for ages, then the attention starts.
I feel like people want to keep me in their purse. I'm not a bloody credit card, you don't use me when you need something. And yet it's all people seem to do. I'm getting tougher with people now, being more direct, and if someone is confusing me with the type of attention they offer, I'm trying to rise above it and look out for myself.
A friend has recommended I come off Facebook as it is stressing me out; I can't log in without seeing pictures of women from my past. Time to concentrate on moving forward in life, rather than getting dragged into endless online debates, or chasing ghosts.
Another friend dared me to message the girl I previously dated, which I stupidly did. She seems to still have my phone number and this is how she appeared on my facebook. However I o my know this because Facebook tells me so. She hasn't replied as yet. To be honest I'm glad she hasn't. I don't understand why she still has my number though.
A number of things have happened this weekend that made me realise my communication difficulties are somewhat different, and more prevalent, than I realised. They are still a problem because I didn't realise exactly what the problem was. There's a mental inflexibility that I don't know how to soften. At this time I'm not getting enough help, and its not something medication can change. My thought structure is too rigid. I actively resist anyone who thinks differently to me and I am assuming that everything said to me is some kind of attack.
Well tonight I'm gonna switch my phone off. There's a Next Generation and Deep Space 9 marathon - Best of Both Worlds, The Inner Light and In the Pale Moonlight, easily among the best science fiction ever made. Time to slob out and relax with the Trek crews! Some desperately needed r&r!
EDIT: I found this monologue from Deep Space 9 which, worryingly, describes the person I am now. It's not entirely flattering and not reassuring:
https://youtu.be/K-YyL7X4CWw
I'm in a very uncomfortable position in life where every move will somehow screw me.
I've got no one to reliably hang out with, so I have to go out on my own, which means I need to fight 37 years of instinct to do so.
I have proven that I can meet random women on a night out, but I am vulnerable to those whose behaviour I cannot interpret, which is most of them.
I would like to have a relationship because I need company, companionship and someone to spend time with, but my last few relationships have been burning train wrecks and caused me to have a breakdown.
I would desperately love to have a full time, highly paid job, but this will utterly screw my DWP applications, and I need support to pay for intensive and long term therapy, otherwise I am not physically capable of remaining in a job or coping with stress, even though I have always been one of the top performers in every job I've had. My absence rates and disciplinary rates are equally the highest put of everyone, and I typically hang onto my jobs because of my performance and because I flat-out charm everyone involved. You always hear stories of women charming policemen to get out of speeding tickets; I charm female bosses to get out of being sacked.
My life is a confused mess, and if I wasn't facing such direct obstruction from outside forces (DWP, NHS, various exes), the confusion could be cleared up. Instead I spend half my life not knowing what the hell's going on, and the rest thinking "Christ, that was close!"
Ok, slightly less annoyed/frustrated update. My mum has just seen a very rude video that was playing on the screen of my computer. Unfortunately it was a really weird one. So that means I'm never going downstairs again. The joys of being nearly 40 and having the same life as a 16 year old.
I've started wondering whether anxiety is not fear - I am starting to think anxiety is doubt. Fear comes from doubt. Therefore fear is a symptom of anxiety and is not the condition itself.
Doubt and uncertainty are not exactly the same thing: when your future is uncertain, that doesn't automatically make it scary. If you feel you can handle whatever life throws at you you wouldn't feel fear - you wouldn't need it, it would be redundant. If you doubt your ability to cope with whatever's coming, that makes it scary.
I've moved away from constantly researching and thinking about this stuff so maybe I'm wrong or behind the times. Or maybe the sun has baked my brain.
Woman trouble yet again. The girl I dated once and ditched (because I thought she was a player) has replied to my message! (The one my mate dared me to send.) She doesn't seem particularly happy to hear from me -- but she still replied. She didn't block me or ignore me. Her response is a bit ambiguous so I need to think how to word my reply to her. This is dangerous territory for me -- I already feel pressured and threatened.
I am volunteering with my advocates today and its extremely busy. Being around all these people is activating my aspie side. I told them about my recent woman troubles (bearing in mind my advocates are my second family) and when they'd stopped laughing, they agreed 100% that the woman on my night out a couple of weeks ago was feeling scorned and potentially trying to get in my face. However they were unhappy how I treated Kate after our date because they said she sounded honest and not a player. I was a bit blunt with her when telling her to get lost.
Edit: I replied apologising for the way I was and explaining that I got the wrong impression of her. I've left it there, let's see if she responds. This has spooked me somewhat as I wasn't expecting her to reply and I feel threatened that she has. It's impacted my mood and made me disoriented and subdued, which combined with the crappy weather hasn't helped at all. This is literally fear of the unknown and in line with my new theories, doubt is responsible.
My advocate has joked that I'm a player, and I am going to have to accept that I probably am. I get mixed up with people without having the blindest clue what I'm doing or what their intentions are. I don't even know what my own are. So maybe it IS me - maybe I go out there, spin people's heads around and leave them confused and jilted? Maybe I'm the one in the wrong and they are angry at me? It would explain a few things...
I just slept for twelve hours straight! I didn't set an alarm and my mum's bought me a new pillow which is a special, super comfortable pillow which she thought would help my arthritis. She was right. It's been so long since I woke feeling like I've slept enough. Most mornings I really struggle to get out of bed, as I go to bed too late and don't get enough sleep.
The girl I dated that one time has accepted my apology! This probably won't lead anywhere. I'm afraid to embarrass myself by asking if she's seeing anyone, but everyone I know has told me I made a mistake by cutting her off, so I guess I'm going to have to think of something. It really was a good first date, and there was definite attraction there, given the last hour of our time together was nothing but kissing! What's bugging me is, every time I've gone back to the past for any reason I've found closed doors and burned bridges, but it has helped me to move forward, since I can't go back.
I posted a new part of my horror story and someone keeps making weird comments that people are upvoting. I think he might be quoting Game of Thrones, but as I don't watch it, he seems like he's got problems.
---------- Post added at 15:20 ---------- Previous post was at 12:56 ----------
The DWP has agreed to pay ESA backdated to the end of April! Unfortunately I still need to get through medical questionnaires and a health assessment, which is likely to be a joke just like the last assessment. So I'll be taking my solicitor and my mum as witnesses and for my mum to provide additional info.
I replied to Kate asking if she met Mr Right on tinder. If she says yes I already know what I'm gonna say to save my embarrassment, if she's single I am going to ask for another date. Screw pride, screw shame, if there's a chance of happiness I'm going to take it.
I bumped into an old friend at Morrisons and were going out for the day soon.
It's even stopped raining!
Kate got back to me. She is dating several men at once. So I was right from the start, she is a player. She's not looking to settle down or to meet Mr Right (in her own words) and is enjoying all the attention. She's no better than the people I've left behind by quitting my job and going on a Facebook friend cull.
Once again, I was right and everyone else was wrong. To be honest I never doubted that I was right, but everyone tried to convince me I wasn't. This has happened so many times in my life. I'm starting to understand that when people say I'm arrogant, or blinkered by my narrow aspergers way if thinking, what they're really doing is expressing their fear that I can be so convinced of something and they can't. I guess this is like my faith that there's a God. It's something that seems so right that part of me actually loses respect for those who disagree or try to convince me otherwise. To be an aspie is to have conviction.
Anxiety is the doubting sickness. The war inside me is between my straightforward aspergers truthfulness, and the complicated BS of anxiety. My anxiety makes me listen to others when the aspie traits are telling me not to.
Tomorrow I'm going to politely imply that I don't need online dating any more. And it's true, the attention I get on a night out can be intense and overwhelming, if I was able to master myself my social life would be completely insane. I don't need Kate.
It's time to acknowledge that I've finally become burned out both mentally and emotionally. I'm spending all day Monday with my advocates working on my NHS complaint as I can no longer face the pages of writing and research needed to respond. I just haven't got anything left. Every single IQ point has been used, my mental RAM is full, my brain needs to be defragmented. Asperger inflexibility keeps you strong and fighting long after someone else might have been defeated, but it also makes a rod for your own back: the rigid inflexibility means you become obsessed, overwhelmed, angry, fed up.
I am also sick of being right about people. I knew Kate was a player. EVERYONE told me I was wrong. I wasn't wrong, they were, all of them. It's time to stop asking for opinions and rely on my own judgement. By the way, when I point out that I was right people immediately become defensive and refuse to discuss it. I seem to be the only one capable of accepting the occasions where I am wrong.
Someone recently told me the path of an aspie can be lonely but it protects you from scum. I'm not actually calling anyone scum, even if they offend my moral code. But I do need the protection. I need to see the loneliness as peac, a chance to get myself together before I have to face the world.
It's hard to see how I can ever have a relationship again as my trust in others is practically non existent. If I had a better social life this wouldn't even be a problem. As it is I only get to go out on Saturdays with an unreliable friend who won't back me up and cries off nights out. He makes literally zero effort and then complains that nothing changes. I'm scared that I am becoming like that.
Life is incredibly frustrating at times!
Kate asked if I met Miss Right. I told her I came off online dating because everyone just wants one night stands, and strongly implied that I discovered months ago that I don't need online dating. Both of these are pretty true statements. A friend asked me if contacting Kate was a mistake. I think it's actually helped. It's proven to me that my judgement is sound, and that trusting my instinct is preferable to seeking other people's advice. Funny how going back to the past has started healing instead of hurting. It must be how you approach it that matters: are you going to the past just to close a door you accidentally left open, or are you going to try to re-live it? Life moves on, not back.
EDIT: I did say I didn't mind keeping in touch and added (as friends only) which was very satisfying :D
I am working hard to compare my writing to the most successful writers on Reddit, to see why their stories were catapulted to fame and mine is struggling to get attention. It's taught me a lot about the way I do things. Lots of points to remember, lessons to learn. In general my writing isn't focused enough on horror; I'm effectively writing someone's life story. Reddit's /nosleep section needs tightly focused horror, not lengthy dramas.
My story is 41 pages and 21,000 words long. It's on its way to being a novel. The upshot is, it's proven to me I can commit to such a project. It definitely has its fans. I need to look at wrapping it up before it outstays its welcome. Even the popular writers get criticised for dragging things out too long.
So the next 24 hours will involve a lot of reading, editing, writing things down etc. Today's downtime has helped a lot. I've got no mental energy left to deal with anything important, so let's hope the weekend is drama-free.
I did a bit of facebook stalking last night and found out my horrible ex, the one who pretended to be pregnant, is still in a relationship; "coincidentally", it's the only event visible on her timeline (to people who aren't her friends) since 2013. I pity the poor sod who ended up with that trollop. Wonder if she's cheated on him yet, or offered him a threesome in a desperate attemp to keep him. It's another bolt on the door to yesterday, and while it wasn't nice to see, it's done me some good.
I messaged Andy and basically pleaded with him to go out tomorrow night. If it's a washout, or we meet another weirdo, I said he never has to come with me again. I need this obsession to be over, ended, so I can stop suffering constant distress - I need to be able to draw a line under the whole "go out and meet people" thing until I'm strong enough to cope with the consequences of doing so.
I've found a way to save the world in my spare time - I downloaded BOINC and my computer is currently spending 12 hours a day finding ways to fight cancer, malaria, HIV/AIDS and so forth. Unfortunately I have said it's ok for the BOINC software to use nearly all my computer's capability, so it's putting out so much heat my room temperature can get uncomfortable, and it makes a lot of noise.
I've calculated that the ESA backpayment next week should be in the region of £600. I've called my life coach to arrange an appointment next week. I've also updated my bank as I owe them a lot of money, and I need to be able to use the account in order to live. Time to get things back on track.
It's that time of the week again: I started off another blip today. There are many factors, but what actually kicked it off was a stray negative thought. That's all it can take to start a cascade. As with everything in my life, I am either well, or in a blip. When I'm well I can function very well, I can do stuff that would break most people. When I'm in a blip it's awful, I retreat into myself, become obsessive, worried, distressed. I can't tell if it's anxiety or depression. The contrast between being well and ill is so extreme it's like I literally become someone else.
I've learned I am always holding back a vast reservoir of hurt, upset emotions. I'm scared to face them in case it makes me seriously depressed, or it just doesn't help at all.
Going back to the past with Cara and Kate has contributed. It's actually helped me to close some doors but it's not good. The list of names continues to grow. It's like the Great Book of Grudges from Warhammer: the list of entries is ever-growing, and the actual striking out of an avenged grudge is so rare it is a celebrated event (and the Dwarves, like myself, actually prefer not to count anything as avenged, as they find it more satisfying to pursue justice).
I've also found my illness is like a vast, stormy sea. In many ways this is a metaphor for both my anxiety and depression: a consuming, breathless, drowning feeling. I genuinely think this entire illness might be a childhood fear of death which was never healed and has instead turned rotten. I certainly do not think I am depressed or anxious due to some kind of brain damage or imbalance, despite my neurological conditions. I think I was just more prone to fear and doubt as a child, and nobody ever really tried to stop this, so it escalated.
I may still be running from the monster in the cupboard. In this case, the monster is replaced with something more practical and realistic - like drowning or asphyxiating. This actually ties in with health anxiety, in which "fear of suffocation" is a major factor. My entire problem could simply be that, magnified to infinity.
My mate isn't going out tomorrow night. My encounter with that creepy woman has put him off almost completely. I know it was only some drunk woman acting up, but it spooked me too. So I'm not going either! **** it, we can have a social life later, 7 Days to Die just came out.
-----------------
Edit: Uh-oh. I ran out of strattera yesterday and my pharmacy, which owes me six weeks worth, is closed until Monday. I'll almost certainly be withdrawn, or almost withdrawn, by then. This stuff must have a really short half life as it is very quick to get on or off. Its actually not a disaster; I had to come off it once before and after five days with no withdrawal effects, I was back to being completely adhd. Thing is, I'll then potentially have to go through three days of blips while I get back onto it!
I am still not sleeping well. While it is partly stress, it's partly due to my new habit of going to bed way too late, and also because my body isn't tired. The constantly crap weather means I can't get out for walks round the block any more.
I am exhausted! I was feeling so messed up today I phoned Samaritans and just vented about the impossible stress load I'm under: money, relationships, jobs, not to mention the intrusive thinking and the sheer, shocking severity of the anxiety. It took such a load off my mind, and it was the first positive conversation I've had in so long, that I feel much better albeit knackered. I simply don't seem to offload stress any other way than venting to another person.
Looking back over my relationship history, combined with so many unfortunate experiences in recent weeks, has definitely hurt me. I'll probably be ok in a few days. It's scary how bad blips can be and once the blip takes over the anxiety and low mood are so overwhelming it doesn't really matter what started them off. All I can do is get help via Samaritans or a therapist, and try to hold on in the meantime. It truly is like being caught in a storm at sea.
I'm so exhausted, people are starting to annoy me. My dad made the cardinal mistake of saying "Are you depressed?" like this is nothing, and I had to ask him so many times to stop asking that in the past I ended up getting really nasty with him. I've got a lot of issues related to my dad that need resolving.
My life coach will talk to me by phone on Monday and we'll be arranging an appointment. Can't wait to tell her I had to leave work after I "got it out for the girls" - I don't think she'll want to carry on with me after that, but we'll see.
Sorry for being so negative. I'm just very tired, very stressed and feeling burned out.
---------- Post added at 22:48 ---------- Previous post was at 20:56 ----------
I've just had another creepy experience with a woman, and I'm sat safely at home watching a film with my parents!
A girl I dated once, more than two years ago, has "accidentally" called me twice on whatsapp, saying she meant to call her dad. I didn't know who it was at first as I don't have her details. I previously deleted her number and removed her from Facebook after I started getting weird Facebook messages and a drunk phone call off her over new year 2015-2016.
What's she still doing with my number after all this time? Why am I getting late night phone calls off her? Is it a genuine accident, or is it weird? My aspie senses are crawling, and while my dad has told me in no uncertain terms not to worry and to forget it, I have learned to rely on my gut. And my gut says either stalker, or yet another woman who's trying to get in my head so that I don't forget her, even though this person is in a relationship and there was a man in the background who I assume was her boyfriend??
---------- Post added 03-07-16 at 00:46 ---------- Previous post was 02-07-16 at 22:48 ----------
Update to the previous post. I mentioned to the girl that I was surprised she still had my number after all this time. When I checked half an hour later, she'd blocked me on Whatsapp. I blocked her back and deleted all trace of her from my phone.
Reading all this back makes me sound paranoid, like an overreaction. Not everyone deletes people's numbers from their phone and everyone makes mistakes. And it would be an insult to your intelligence if I didn't admit I am tactless when dealing with these things.
But, this kind of thing has happened on at least three occasions with this same person in the last 6 months. I removed her from Facebook months ago and deleted her number over a year ago. I didn't recognise her number or her voice. My brother saw me as I answered her second call tonight and he laughed at how mystified I looked.
I knew before I even answered that it was going to be a woman and I'd end up not knowing what to think.
So there it is, how to get creeped out by a member of the opposite sex on a Saturday night while you're sitting in your living room with your parents.
EDIT: How the hell do you mistake "Dad" for "Adam"? How do you do it twice in a row? My brother is now calling me Dadam.
A much, much better day. Speaking to the Samaritans last night has had the same effect as a Royal Navy helicopter airlifting me out of a sinking ship in a storm. My stress levels remained very high until my brother made me watch a film with him, then we watched a terrifying M Night Shamalayan horror about two kids staying with their weird grandparents. The films engaged me so strongly it dissipated the last of the blip like cobweb strands.
Hearing from that woman spooked me. My family are downplaying it but manage to acknowledge that it's weird. I've blocked her on everything, and I also blocked Kate. My Whatsapp is populated with failed relationships who I can block but cannot seem to erase from my Contacts list, even though I don't have their numbers on my phone and don't want them any more. My friend is grudgingly impressed about the number of women on my block lists (without checking, it's somewhere between 10 and 15 across Whatsapp and Facebook, and there are other candidates for the list). This does not seem to be the route to finding happiness with someone but what can I do? They are blocked for reasons.
I'm going to make a routine for every weekday to ensure I have a structure to work from. This should result in reduced time wastage and decrease my anxiety (people with aspergers struggle when they don't have guidelines or timetables to follow). My therapist has been telling me to do this since 2012. She'll probably crack open the champagne when she hears I'm finally doing it!
Tomorrow I find out if my doctor will support my ESA application. There's a great deal to sort out, but if my doctor supports me, I'll at least have some income and can start therapy again.
The weather is absolutely gorgeous today, and my mood has correspondingly boosted. My doctor agreed without any issues whatsoever to issue me a 3 month sick note; I took this to the job centre, asked them to forward it to the DWP by HOTT (which means it gets auctioned as priority). Later I need to ring the DWP and advise them it's been sent to them. I should have over 2 months of ESA paid by midnight tonight, wiping out one of my bank overdrafts and allowing me to pay a few direct debits, get my car windscreen repaired (the crack's total length is over 12 inches now) and be able to afford fuel.
I even managed to socialise a bit. I went to a church open day, had a chat to the volunteers and had some lunch there. I love being in churches. It feels so welcoming and safe. They remind me of my dad. He's a historian so we've been in quite a few.
I'm now at my advocates, Healthwatch, poring over my response to the NHS's whitewash of my complaints. A lot of head scratching, research and stress.
I've withdrawn from strattera so my adhd is making it slightly confusing, and without the massive pickup effect of strattera I'm struggling with tiredness in the mornings. It's funny, because ADHD by itself is not a terrible or painful thing. It's my anxiety that's the problem. Psychosis runs in my family so I wonder if there's an element of this in my anxiety - maybe that's why blips seem to change my personality. Maybe I'm quite literally resisting the onset of psychosis?
I'll be back on all my medication by tonight.
My ESA money is definitely being paid tonight. I'm calling my life coach shortly to arrange our next session. This session will be aimed at helping me to move on from the people in my old life, and allow me to develop new awareness of myself - what I want, how I feel, why I react to people the way I do - and new understanding of how I impact on others.
Claire caught me with my trousers down on Saturday. (This is a metaphor.) I didn't know who she was or what she wanted. It ended up stressing me out. She isn't the only one who's done this lately. I need to get my head back in the game. From now on I'm going to KEEP everyone's numbers, no matter what happens. The universe keeps sending these people back to me and I need to know who they are when it does.
My time with my advocates was extremely enlightening. They've got another volunteer, a very pretty and charming 20 year old, and I swear I saw her giving me sneaky looks. I was dressed really well today.
I believe I'm pursuing the NHS and DWP with such vehement hatred for two reasons:
1. I'm scared of having nothing to "hang on to" - in other words nothing to fight, no-one to rail against, no-one to obsess about and get angry with. I am scared of the freedom that comes from letting go.
2. This is really about Kelly. She was the first girlfriend I was able to actually have feelings for. I am angry and bitter that the lack of appropriate help meant she and I split up. In truth, we split up because I was desperately unhappy in the relationship - Kelly was really controlling. My conditions did play their part but in the end, while I loved Kelly, I didn't like being around her. (I'm just realising this now.) She's just another ex who lured me with sex, then played on my emotions to get me to stay long past the time I should have left her.
I need to break this obsession with Kelly. I need to move on from her. It's causing such a bottleneck in my life. Now in fairness she is super intelligent, absolutely beautiful, has a really nice accent and oh God, those eyes. Not even my aspie defences can protect me from her. I'm going to end up in a Moby Dick situation (heh, he said Dick), with me being Captain Ahab, pursuing her to my own destruction. I will always love her and probably always want her back, but in the end, her love is bad medicine. And that's exactly what I don't need.
I've become a published author! I helped to write a mental health booklet for Healthwatch Rotherham and it's already in print. I won't get paid for it unfortunately.
A highly successful Reddit user who's now an author is reading my /nosleep horror story today. I've been analysing his work and comparing it to mine. It's shown me a few things that might have made my story more competitive. My actual writing isn't the problem: I just haven't plotted the story out, or tried to comply with what people want from a /nosleep - it takes too long for the creepy stuff to happen, and there's perhaps too much humour.
I do think my scary scenes are as good as his. One reader described my story as "terrifying", which is probably the best compliment a horror writer can get. It's all ammunition for next time!
The DWP has paid my ESA money. I now have some control over my destiny!
I have been calling creditors and started making larger token payments towards my debt. I felt like crying with joy that I finally have this capability. My creditors have been utterly fantastic. All of them have specialist teams trained to deal with disabled or less capable people, and they've been so sympathetic and given me plenty of chances. I've also sorted out online banking with my two banks, and am now far better organised than before. Still a few things left to do, but my strattera and the life lessons I've learned in the last year mean I am far more capable of handling money than I used to be. Maybe one day I'll be able to look after myself, financially speaking.
Interestingly, withdrawing from strattera did not make me any more anxious or depressed, and it did not create new impulses to waste money. However it did make me feel very childish, like I wanted to do lots of silly, annoying things. I was battling against these impulses with some success. I have learned some really useful life lessons, and am now capable of retaining (most of) the skills and knowledge even without medication. I've come back onto strattera without issues, but it's a relief to know I may still be capable without it.
However I am struggling in other ways now that the stress and anxiety are clearing up. I become "depressed" and suffer agitation and intrusive thoughts. I have a real problem coping when everything is all right. I can't handle the mental freedom. It creates symptoms similar to depression and agoraphobia. But these feelings are "false" - I know they aren't real, and I know they are simply the natural Aspergers reaction to having no guidelines. I need to learn how to enjoy the tranquility, and use it to recharge. EDIT: Wanting more out of life also triggers my ADHD, because I get fretful and lonely despite being surrounded by my family. This is when I start pining for Kelly.
Speaking of Kelly, I received terrific but painful advice which came with a warning. It seems I was right - she probably used sex and love to snare me, and she is continuing to use affection to stay close to me. We may not have been in love - we may actually be infatuated with each other, since we weren't together long enough for our feelings to have deepened beyond this stage. In the words of my advisor, she was a "terrible" girlfriend and our "disastrous" relationship caused me a lot of damage. (I wasn't exactly the greatest boyfriend either, but my behaviour probably wasn't damaging to her.)
This is not the first mental health professional who warned me that Kelly is continuing to damage me, and is deliberately trying to mess with my head. Kelly is not the first person who has behaved this way towards me.
So I'm faced with three alternatives, none of which are attractive: Either this is what most women do as a matter of course; or there is something about me that "activates" this creepy, dangerous streak in women; or, as is most likely, I still cannot understand when I am being played despite a year of medication and a determined effort to be more vigilant.
This means despite the mental equivalent of upgraded shields, armour, phasers and torpedoes, I'm still piloting a Nova class ship (http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Nova_class) when I thought I had a Defiant (http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Defiant_class).
Just got back from life coaching. She's a perceptive and intelligent woman who clearly knows her stuff.
She said that when I go into the "storm at sea" mode during a blip, I'm slipping into depressed state. She felt my description fitted perfectly with her own experience of depression when she was younger. One major difference is the way I retain hope and can see positive ways out of that state, and how I feel like I am physically and emotionally recovering when a blip is over.
She clarified something my CBT therapist said: my blips are a flare-up of dysthymia, and that I am not clinically depressed, because if I was, I most likely wouldn't be able to claw my way out of it like I do. (So this is why my CBT therapist has always said I probably couldn't be diagnosed with depression, despite how bad I feel in a blip.)
It is frightening to hear that I slip into a depressed state, even if temporarily, but it has finally given some clarity, explaining what is going on. My life coach did not feel this has anything to do with psychosis. She did feel that as we progress and I resolve certain issues, the strength of this blips will start to wane.
She has emphasised very strongly that I need to learn to live in the NOW, not the past, and just as my autism counsellor said, I need to work on healing myself and learn how to forgive and move on from the past.
Regarding my experiences with women, my life coach seems to feel I've had extraordinarily bad luck, and has agreed I go for the wrong women. She is going to help me fix my vulnerability so that women don't play games with me or "keep me in their purse" any more.
Rather morale-boostingly, she said these women probably do find me attractive and probably do have romantic or sexual feelings towards me, but equally they don't want to go the whole way with me. The funny thing is, I don't want to go the full way with most of them either, despite also feeling romantic and/or sexual feelings to some of them. So I've still got the power here: the power to walk away, the power to control my own destiny. We're going to work on how I see people so that I am not trying to inappropriately get affection from female friends, and so that I can stop giving off alternating "come and get me/**** off and die" vibes.
She agreed that my behaviour probably does cause a great deal of confusion in women, which is partly why I have so many problems with them. The next step is to look at limiting the damage I do, learning to appreciate myself without needing female attention, and living in the now.
I might actually have a shot at overcoming my asperger limitations.
---------- Post added at 18:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:05 ----------
Poet's log, supplemental.
Last night I spent a few hours with my only other male friend. He's younger than me and has a zest for life that I've long since buried beneath anger, stress and monotony. I was so inspired, I actually took my PC apart today and cleaned about an inch of dust off everything, and now it's running a lot better. I've done a bit of tidying up and have spoken to more creditors.
I was initially scared my life coach said my blips are very close to how she would describe depression (a black pit with slime on the walls, making it hard to climb out, and a lid on top); but it is very encouraging how I can get out of this state.
It seems my anger and revenge against people and organisations are protecting me from feeling anxious; the anxiety is protecting me from feeling depressed; and the depression is protecting me from feeling normal. I'm running away from peace, tranquility and happiness, because in 37 years of ADHD I have never learned to cope with peace and quiet. I do not feel I deserve to be happy, or loved; I do not feel I am attractive.
Now that I'm taking a greater part in the world, I am finding happiness; I am finding people are attracted to me; I am realising that I have always been loved and I have never returned or even recognised this love.
My understanding of who I really am is changing. I am confronting fear and depression almost daily. I am starting to get somewhere. I must hold my nerve and keep on going, ignoring the negative thoughts, learning to believe in something better.
This could really be the start of recovery. It really could.
Poet's log, supplemental.
I've talked with my sister about a few things. She seems to feel that Laura (a girl I worked with, she's mentioned earlier in this diary) and I had "quite a thing", even though nothing actually happened between us. I wonder if I'd been more confident - if I'd been more alpha - would things have been different with her? It's too late to know. So it's time to put the lessons of the past to good use, making sure there are no more mistakes, no more missed opportunities.
If only I hadn't felt so worthless... that might actually have been what put most people off. I felt I didn't deserve to be loved, and that attractive women wouldn't notice or care about me. A few of the women I've discussed in this diary are really good looking. Society rates women out of 10 for looks (and this score is apparently equal to the woman's worth - so a 10/10 looker is supposedly perfect in every way). I never felt I had a chance with these "perfect angels" - they were "too good for me" and I "wouldn't stand a chance". And I let opportunities pass me by, and these women are practically my enemies now.
Society at once idolises and reviles women. Society just reviles men full stop. And I listened to this ridiculous state of affairs, and allowed it to screw me out of a chance at happiness.
So these are the lessons: Don't ever feel worthless. Don't let other people tell you who is worth what, as they know nothing, they're not God. People who society says are "beyond you" (based on society's moronic, sexist and arbitrary "rules") are not beyond you. Trust what's in your heart, and sod what everyone else says. To quote the Pigeon Lady, "Follow the star in your own heart."
Day two of my War Against Dysthymia.
Today I've spent hours hoovering and tidying round the house, and have worked up quite a sweat. My friendship with the girl from my writing group has become very strong and I'm counselling her as she fights back against severe social anxiety, agoraphobia and depression. I've also kept in touch with Craig who I visited the other night. He's awoken my zest for life, and he's a good laugh to be around. He's intelligent, very quick witted, ideal company for me as I have become very "blunt" mentally speaking, and need someone who can challenge me.
I finally got rid of the crap from my last job. It's been lying in our downstairs front room since I quit in April. With the sun shining, I played appropriate songs, such as the anthem for my old life, "Summer's Over" by Rialto (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJHU8DGALV8), and absolutely ripped all those bad old memories to shreds: page after page of disciplinaries, notes I made, training material, NVQ paperwork. There was a good deal of swearing as I cursed the disciplinary bullcrap and ripped it into pieces.
Everything then went in the bin, including the shoulder bag I used to carry it all in. I kissed my ID badge goodbye, stuffed it in the bin, and said aloud: "That's it, it's over with."
So: goodbye Amy. Goodbye Laura. Goodbye "A-Team". Thanks for the memories. Things were good for a while. There is no doubt that I was "king of the unit" for nearly three years. Now, there's a far more appropriate song to say where I am today. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvgZkm1xWPE)
If my destiny is a ladder, I'm probably somewhere near the bottom. I've lost old friends; I've lost love; I've lost my job. But I've found my courage. I've found my strength. I've learned that people find me attractive. I know that I am loved. I've got a small income with which I am repaying debts, restarting therapy. I've got fire and a knife to keep the wolves at bay.
The dysthymia made one mistake: it started a fight with me. I don't surrender. I don't curl up and die. I'm the NoPoet. Anxiety has therapy because of me. If this speedbump thinks it can prevent me from achieving my dreams, it is very, very deluded. If it thinks it can rise up and sweep me away, I'll drop the ****ing hammer.
That's who I am, and that's what I do.
---------- Post added at 17:19 ---------- Previous post was at 14:55 ----------
UPDATE: I understand more about how the anxiety and dysthymia interact. It's like an intricate ballet. The task of vanquishing one is complicated by the presence of the other. It's kind of like playing World of Tanks. You're driving a Valentine (a British tank with a powerful gun) and you are attacked by a pair of Panther tanks which split off to either side. You go after one, the other manoeuvres round to put a shot in your flank or rear armour.
I'm learning how to dance with my illnesses. Unfortunately for them, I'm a quick study.
---------- Post added at 17:22 ---------- Previous post was at 17:19 ----------
UPDATE 2: Every time I try to load World of Tanks on my PC, a member of my family spontaneously appears and asks me to do something. I must find out how to disable "-summon_familymember" in the options menu...
Since understanding my condition, and the extent to which is has affected my life, things have got better and worse. Better, because I can finally make sense of everything. Worse, because now I've got to do something about it. And that involves facing my worst fears.
I spent the day with my best friend who said he is "borderline suicidal". The problem is, he virtually refuses to do nearly anything to help himself. It isn't just depression preventing him from doing things: he is a stubborn and difficult man, who gets nasty if you try to challenge him (as in, try to get him to see things any other way, or face up to his fears). I now understand why people instinctively tell a depressed person to "pull themselves together", although this is something I would never say; there is a clear and serious need for him to pull his finger out in certain aspects of his life. He blocks everything you suggest. He will not get better, his situation will not improve, unless he starts to take ownership.
I had to drag myself up and rebuild what was shattered and ruined. I've done this, at great personal cost, since my fall into anxious/depressive illness in 2009. It annoys me considerably to see people who won't lift a finger to help themselves. But this is not a compassionate or loving way to be. It's judgemental, harsh and cruel. I do not believe I am a cruel man. So I must overcome my own prejudice, my own bitterness, in order to help my friend.
It's hard enough trying to get through life with everything I've got, without carrying other people too. But if I don't help him, what kind of man am I? What am I becoming, if not a considerate and loving person? So I will help him because I can; I will help him because I want to; I will help him because I must. Maybe it will teach me how to help my family too.
Went out with my friend again today, the one who's been talking about suicide. He seemed very much improved over yesterday. It does seem his illness is connected to boredom with his life (he goes to work, goes home and plays the XBox for hours at a time), and his inability to connect with the opposite sex. I guess he has blips too, and yesterday was one of them.
My dysthymia seems a lot more obvious now, as if it realised the game's up, no more hiding. It tends to "flare up" in response to certain negative thoughts. It feels like I've worn some kind of special visor that makes it glow up in shades of blue, and everywhere I look I see its influence: in my destroyed lack of self-worth, my damped self-confidence, just the general way I speak and think, it's all based on some kind of fatalistic, "I'm not good enough, what I want will never happen and it's a disgrace that I wanted it in the first place" attitude.
I don't mean this to be as depressing as it sounds. I know why I think like this: it's the logical consequence of a lifetime of undiagnosed autism and uncontrolled ADHD. My confidence was actually the highest it's ever been until I left my job a few months ago. My last two girlfriends might have been lunatics but they put me on a pedestal, and I miss the buzz of that.
Being out of the "rat race" has definitely degraded my confidence, given me a kind of agoraphobia, taken the edge off my people skills.
This week is going to see the beginning of a reversal. I'm going to have to go out more and interact with people. I'll do some more writing, and work on my NHS and DWP stuff to get it all finalised, then volunteer. Try to get out with my mum and dad a bit, get them out too. So, whatever test I am now facing, hopefully I'm coping well.
Sent a random Facebook message to a girl who I used to have a crush on at school. I asked why she dyed her hair the way she has. She replied that she's autistic (asperger syndrome, same as me) and is rebelling against the world, as the NHS has flat out refused to help her get a diagnosis. We're meeting up for a drink next week. Bear in mind we never even spoke at school, then just one chance message from me and we end up having a ridiculous amount in common.
I wonder how many people I could have been good friends with in life if I'd just said hello and asked how they are. I wonder how much better the world would be for everyone if we all took the time to talk to do this, not just with people we know, but those we don't. How many potential friends or relationships pass us by each day?
I had planned to get up early this morning, work on my NHS complaints for an hour or so, then volunteer at Healthwatch; I'm definitely developing agoraphobia and losing self-confidence by staying at home every day. However I am fighting off another blip which seems to have been caused by a dream this morning. It wasn't a particularly bad dream (I rarely have those). Instead there was a grey, grim feeling, kind of like when you wake on a misty morning.
My blips appear to be "mixed states" between anxiety and depression. They completely de-rail me, and instead of getting up early I dozed till 11. Dozing definitely seems to be the cause of blips - I do tend to have anxious or mood-lowering dreams while dozing - and it holds me back so much. It puts me off doing things.
I believe I put things off for several reasons. One, I feel like there is "never enough time" - which links into two, I feel like things take too long, for example I'm a very fast reader but I've got hundreds of unread books. Three, I don't like doing one thing at once. I grew up with ADHD and a very capable brain, so I like being able to do multiple things - it assuages my anxiety and seems to help against the ADHD. Four, the anxiety, depression and intrusive thoughts simply screw up all my plans.
I believe I am having a blip because I planned to go out into the world. That reinforces my belief I'm developing some kind of agoraphobia. It's really frustrating, it's like someone is throwing ropes round me and physically holding me back. The illness appears to be deliberately trashing aspects of my life.
The girl I'm meeting next week has offered me a job working with her in a care home for autistic people. Apparently they really need new staff and hours are basically whatever I can do. This has also freaked me out because it represents such a change. I'm so used to focusing on myself that I simply don't know if I can care for people. If I take the job, and I'm good at it, maybe I'll be able to take better care of myself and my family? EDIT: God knows what will happen with my ESA and PIP if I take on a part time job.
Also the girl is absolutely beautiful. My friend took one look at a picture of her and said "Mate, she's gonna stab you".
Finally, I don't know WHY I did this, but I bid on some DDR4 RAM which I won, and now I've had to fork out half of my remaining money for it. I don't even know if my computer will support this type of RAM as my processor and motherboard are seven years old, and DDR4 RAM is new. I am really frustrated with myself over this. It's not like my computer even needs RAM - all it really wants is a better graphics card!
Poet's log, supplemental.
Today has been a tough day. Previously I have "hidden" from the depressive side of my illness by focusing entirely on fighting the anxiety. (My blips are nearly always "mixed states".) My new focus on the depressive aspect, which I fear greatly, has made things complicated.
My CBT therapist called and we spent an hour (for free!) discussing where I am now. She says the number of blips I've had over the years have most likely re-wired my brain so the blips will keep on coming. This process is called "kindling".
My blips could be a kind of self-sabotage which stop me from introducing changes into my life. She also feels they are a response to things that I find overwhelming. Maybe this is why I have blips when I think certain things - I find the distress they cause overwhelming. (If this is true, intrusive thoughts really are my main problem.)
She says it is unlikely that I can completely stop having blips, although I should be able to reduce their frequency and severity. They may have become a condition I need to manage, just like my ADHD and Aspergers. It's not a nice thought, but I programmed myself into this mess. Surely I can program my way out?
She agreed that dysthymia is somehow sapping my confidence and self-worth. Things happen that boost my mental well-being then the unchallenged dysthymia drags it gradually back down.
Finally, we discussed the possibility that I am bipolar. She is adamant I am not bipolar I. She said it's harder to say whether I might be bipolar II, but she has always felt I am cyclothymic (a changing of moods similar to bipolar but less drastic).
She reminded me of the sheer number of conditions I've got, and most importantly of all, how long I've had to struggle without appropriate diagnoses or support. She feels these are the most likely explanation for my present illness. I need to learn how to manage these conditions, move on from my past and eventually get back into a job in order to move forward with my recovery and reduce the pressure I'm under.
EDIT: The DWP appears to be paying double the expected amount of ESA. I have printed out all the relevant evidence to support my ESA application. It's about fifty pages long.
My apologies if I am late replying to messages I have been receiving; the RAM in my brain needs an upgrade, as it's full with everything I'm dealing with. I need a bigger brain!
Last night, when I spoke to my CBT therapist, I felt exhausted and troubled. I often do when speaking to her, but not to my life coach or autism counsellor. This is because with those two, I discuss relationships etc. With my CBT therapist, I discuss problems. We talk about the things that are most fearsome to me in order to build understanding. My CBT is basically hardcore, my other therapies are doing little other than servicing my ego.
Today in autism counselling we moved away from easy topics and discussed things that are right at the root of my problems. I ended up crying. It isn't appropriate to post about that here as people will find it triggering; suffice to say most people with anxiety would find these things familiar.
She gave me an ego/confidence boost by describing me in very positive terms; she's also read my horror story (twice) and said, among other very flattering things, that my way with words is "almost poetic" (ironic considering my user name).
Initially she was concerned about some of my intrusive thoughts until we discussed them in a depth I've avoided so far. She guided me through a mindfulness activity that was aimed at helping me to use my enhanced Asperger senses, which I successfully did. It was very interesting. We discussed my blips in depth. She feels they are a manifestation of my Asperger side - the "aspie burnout" caused by getting overwhelmed. My CBT therapist also used the word "overwhelmed" yesterday. Overhwelmed seems to be the word of the moment; I've just been finishing my PIP and ESA stuff, and it's ridiculous trying to co-ordinate it all. I can't even face the NHS stuff any more.
The blips are significant in many ways: the key to understanding, and the key to recovery, are locked up somewhere within them. Understanding is coming. So from now on counselling or support of any kind are going to be difficult for me because I am confronting the deepest, darkest issues, the ones that I've avoided since the beginning.
I think I am suffering from post traumatic distress. I think this is why I keep having blips. I think it's why I am still "trapped" in my anxiety.
I have always been an anxious person with a lot of difficlutes in life, but I've been able to get out there day after day. I have only considered myself to be debilitated by anxiety and depression since a series of horrible events in 2009. Blips are connected to flashes of memory, not always of events, but how I felt during those events.
My illness is caused by flashes of feeling. I have tried to outrun them, to ignore them, to hold them back, to blast them with every atom of courage and fury that I possess, and yet the illness remains. I genuinely don't think I'm as bad as a I used to be, there has been progress, and my resilience is formidable; but the problem remains, and it is connected to memories and intrusive thoughts.
There is now no logical or reasonable explanation for why I suffer the way I do - except to say that I have been traumatised by my experiences, and this trauma has prevented me from getting on with my life. I've been traumatised by death, traimatised by employers, traumatised by women, traumatised by the outrageous difficulties that I have faced.
It's time to finally call it. I think my illness, however it started and whatever it's about, is over; I think that I am PTSD, and only by accepting this, understanding it and putting measures in place to defeat it, will I stand a chance of living a normal life.
PTSD is not all about war and destruction. Anyone who has been through something that they remember with horror can suffer with PTSD. I think that's me.
And I think I'm going to overcome it.
I have notified the professionals who are supporting me that I have evidence to believe I have PTSD. My next session of support is life coaching on 26th July. I'm then in court against the DWP on 1st August, and seeing my autism counsellor on 4th August. In the meantime I will have to carry the fight on my own, as usual.
I have had a much better day today. My friend who previously said he's "borderline suicidal" is also in much better spirits. Getting back to our roots, doing the things we used to enjoy doing, has helped a lot. There have been lots of breaks in the clouds which have allowed me to see how differently I think and behave compared to how I used to. I lost sight of the wonder and excitement of life, burying it beneath piles of problems and complaints.
I haven't heard from Shelley, the girl I was supposed to be meeting on Monday, for two days now. I haven't said or done anything wrong, she's just disappeared. Friends tell me to message her again. Now this is where I think PTSD comes in: I am furious at her. I rage about her inside and am starting to hate her. But I don't hate her personally. I am experiencing all the disappointments, fears and angers of past failed relationships. I haven't moved on, I haven't learned to deal with them. I am constantly angry, hurting, raging inside. This is not some hidden confidence, some inner strength: this is the illness. This is me behaving irrationally because past experiences have been so upsetting, so disappointing.
But I have learned a lot of lessons. I have known too many women who act like this and I know that if she goes quiet, she isn't playing coy, she isn't busy, she's lost interest. That is her choice to make and I am not some egotistical maniac, or controlling psycho - I cannot make someone want me, I cannot give her the motivation to spend thirty seconds messaging me if she can't be arsed. If she's not interested in speaking then I'm gonna delete all trace of her on Tuesday and move on from my past. Full stop. The end. No more going back to old friends, no more conversations with ex-girlfriends or old crushes. No second chances, no more exposing my vulnerable flanks to those who only want to hurt me. If I want to meet someone who's actually interested in me, all I need to do is go on a night out, not mooch around some abstract "friends" list, when most of those "friends" are people I don't really know.
In the words of Treguard, "The only way is forward. There is no turning back."
---------- Post added at 21:24 ---------- Previous post was at 18:52 ----------
Poet's log, supplemental.
I believe I have mapped the extent of my illness and now understand everything that's going on. This is (most of) an email I sent to my autism specialist:
"I have recently started to believe that I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I believe my "blips" and intrusive thoughts are symptoms of PTSD - therefore blips are effectively "flashbacks" to how I used to be. These blips "reset" my condition so that progress is lost.
PTSD would explain the following:
* Why I feel "traumatised" and "brain damaged" (a painful, physical sensation) very often;
* Why I am still re-living horrible flashes of depressed/anxious feelings, and still having intrusive thoughts, despite having "no need" to have these thoughts or feelings any more (in other words, "Why I am still ill when the original problems are long over and I was starting to get better");
* Why my interactions with other people are still so impaired - for example, I struggle with new girlfriends or potential girlfriends because I am still so hurt and angry over things that have happened in the past, and I carry these feelings into new relationships because I cannot let them go (since they keep coming back every time I have a "blip"). This leads me to a "zero tolerance" attitude where I will block or delete someone at the slightest provocation, and this has affected my friendships with many people, most of whom I do not speak to any more. (In fairness I do know quite a few scrubbers who can't be trusted)
In my case, the PTSD has probably come about because I was starting to recover from anxiety and depression. I was recovering because I had the diagnoses, knowledge and medication, and had made many improvements to my beliefs, attitude and behaviour that were reaping significant results.
This made my brain release its stranglehold on my memories and feelings, since it realised the danger was over and it no longer needed to go into "lockdown" mode (to focus on survival at all costs).
Then I became able to feel all the hurt, pain, fear, anger, rage, sorrow, disappointment - the trauma - that my brain had suppressed for so many years, through so many trying times. However, these feelings were still being controlled by my aspergers neurology (my aspie side had been trying to protect me from these intense and painful emotions, as I was not "designed" to handle them). Therefore they squeezed through the dam wall in painful bursts ("blips").
Starting on strattera made it possible for me to experience my entire emotional range without restrictions. My aspergers neurology was no longer able to hold the floodgates closed, because the medication was forcing them open. I became aware of what I had been through, what I had lost, how some people were still taking advantage of me, and the challenges still to come. I had to adapt to new feelings and new thoughts. This in itself, while positive and pretty amazing, was also overwhelming, frightening and very difficult to handle alone.
The fears of death etc are genuine fears I've always had, and have simply become distorted as I've never received appropriate help or comfort for them.
So that's my explanation for the years of hell. It fits everything in, doesn't leave any questions or loose ends, and most of all it gives me hope. I believe this is what the Americans refer to as a "slam dunk"."
Another good day in some ways: getting out with my friend, getting some sun. However I do have bad road rage. Where does it come from? Am I a violent and hateful person? Not by nature, I think. Part of my illness is a deep, black reservoir of hatred which I believe comes from all the years I was bullied, kept down; all the pain and the loss, all the games people played. So it's not how I was born, it's how I've become. I often see people arguing on telly and in films and wonder how they can be so opposed and yet not feel rage, hatred or fear of the other person. This clearly suggests I've got a problem.
I've deleted Shelley as I genuinely, 100% believe she has lost interest (also confirmed by a friend), and I'm not spending weeks mooching over someone I don't even know.
When I start chatting to a woman I find they can be very intense, very into me, then as soon as we swap numbers or (worse) arrange to meet, it's the kiss of death. This is exactly the same as online dating. It leaves me feeling confused and betrayed - why would she ask to meet up with me, why would she be so intense and sending me loads of messages, only to disappear?
How am I coming across? Maybe I'm too keen? Maybe I seem like a challenge since I'm not actively chasing them for sex, so they want to see if they can make me chase them? And if I do they "put me in their purse" or just fall silent. But if I make myself hard to get, they won't keep chasing me because they've got easier targets, so what the hell do I do??
I'm gonna have to use life coaching or something as this keeps happening and I don't know what the hell I'm actually doing wrong, if anything. I don't know what these people want. I don't understand the need for games, or the need to show intense interest in me only to fade out as quickly as they appeared.
Interestingly enough, it's rare that a woman doesn't want to see me again if we do actually meet. I wonder how many potential friendships and relationships have been thrown away be weirdoes playing games.
Random thoughts have triggered a couple of depressive, blip-like episodes this weekend. However they are reinforcing my belief that this is something to do with PTSD. There is little reason to still be having them and they are based more on habit: for example, when going to a particular place or thinking of a particular person, task or event. I associate these things with the negative, anxious and depressive thoughts. Therefore one triggers the other. They don't seem to occur without triggers. I don't see how this is functionally different from PTSD.
Seeing things in terms of a trauma response is helping me to make sense of it and it's making my blips seem less fearsome. So this is actually working.
Had a tough night: the heat kept waking me up and my arthritis is crippling me today.
I'm trying to work on my letters to the Health Ombudsman about the NHS's unsatisfactory and buck-passing replies. It's horrendously complex, it discusses problems and mistakes that occurred over many years and the rewards are likely to be minimal - in short it's frustrating, demoralising and potentially a waste of time.
I'm also working on my ESA medical questionnaire. Again it's page after page requesting information I've already provided (the initial application form was 55 pages long!). The criteria are so basic, so simple, that they only apply to a quadriplegic or a person in a coma. They've got nothing to do with my health conditions.
While I do think I'll get something eventually, and 70% of appeals are successful (which tells you something about how well the DWP, ATOS and Capita are doing their jobs!), I am just not sure if I can go through months of appeals, letter writing, meetings with advocates, evidence gathering, research and court appearances.
Life can be so infuriating at times. When did machines take over from people? When did our country become so heartless? Why do neurotypicals simply shrug and say "That's the way it is" instead of fighting for change? Why can nobody do their bloody jobs?
I've just about reached BS overload with all this NHS and DWP nonsense. To cap it all, the advocates who are supposed to be helping me against the DWP simply are not returning my calls, and time is running out.
I am starting to develop cynical beliefs about the neurotypical world. I'm starting to believe that autistic people are the real human beings - I'm starting to see aspergers neurology as superior in every way to neurotypical. Aspies are the ones who talk plainly, who believe honestly, who don't lie or go out committing murders or stopping disabled people getting benefits. We don't want to cheat on or betray our loved ones. We just get on with things and treat people as people.
I'm glad I'm an aspie. I look at "normal" people and think: there but for the grace of God go I!
Hooray! I'm throwing a party for this survival guide reaching an amazing 10,000 views. Would you like a piece of cake? Unfortunately it's melted in this blazing, gorgeous heatwave! :D
First things first. I've been working hard, putting into practice everything I've learned. I've been invited to barbecues and have actually got a full calendar for the next few days as I'm also working on my ESA application and my NHS complaints, and have got things on with friends. For some reason, working in the Healthwatch building makes me more productive. Just a bit more evidence to get together and a few more letters to write and I'm done, for better or for worse. I'm expecting to finish it tomorrow or Monday.
My mum and I worked for 3-4 hours on my ESA medical questionnaire today and it's still not finished. This is ludicrous, how are people with severe disabilities and no access to support going to stand a chance? I remember when disability benefits were there to help people. Nowadays everyone is regarded as "a scrounger" who doesn't deserve any help. Many of the questions are worded to trip people up which only confirms my belief that the whole thing is a scam.
I have lost my fear of "having nothing to worry about" - I'm in a sea at storm holding onto rocks, and I need to finally let them go so I can realise that I'm not gonna drown - my feet touch the bottom - it's not as scary or dangerous as I used to believe. I am almost craving that freedom now. Freedom to think and feel what I want to feel and do what I want to do.
A growing number of people are telling me to go to university. They said I'd "breeze through it". I am actually starting to consider it (the amount of ego-stroking people gave me has contributed to this), I just need to get the DWP and NHS crap finished first. I am also considering the shorter, cheaper route of going back to college... but I might actually have a chance to experience the university life. It's not too late.
Yesterday I reconnected with my dad and had one of the best days of my life. The last time we went for a day out like that, I was severely ill with anxiety and depression, so bad it is shocking to remember. Yesterday was a chance to finally lay that ghost to rest. And if I'm right, and the remainder of my illness is rallying beneath the banner of PTSD, laying ghosts to rest is the way out.
Facing my darkest issues has been painful and frightening. There have been times when it felt like I was relapsing, or that I'd never recover. But in the words of Fred Dibnah, "It's no use sitting bloody sulking, is it? ... All hope is not lost."
Today I managed to complete my ESA form (thanks to mum for spending hours with me working on it), make progress in my complaint against my former GP, do quite a bit of socialising and get a girl's phone number!
I cannot relax towards this ESA form until the bloody lot is in the post tomorrow morning. Completing it is a formidable achievement and it has cost me emotionally - and I've had to discuss some of the darker aspects of my illness with my parents for the first time. They initially thought I was exaggerating how bad my depression used to be.
And it was very bad. I found a story I wrote in 2006 which was so depressing it actually frightened me. It is hard to understand how I managed to get away from feeling like that. It has reinforced my belief that much of my present illness is down to trauma caused by what I've felt and experienced. If the me from 2006 met the me of today, we wouldn't recognise each other.
As for my "new friend" - yes, she is beautiful and yes, she has a lot of problems, more serious than anyone's I've met so far.
Still, there's a heatwave, everyone's enjoying the sun, I have filled in a metric crapload of paperwork, time to kick back and enjoy another precious weekend!
Had a bit of a depressive blip this weekend, but I'm learning how to deal with them. There is plenty of work to do. Lots of negative associations, bad memories and unhelpful beliefs to replace with positive ones. I forgot to post my ESA form yesterday and now there is a danger it might arrive late.
My nan was taken to hospital today, which has scared and upset everyone. She's 94 and has been in a lot of pain with poor appetite lately. It turns out her heart has been beating twice as fast as it should (even when she's asleep) so they're keeping her in hospital for tests and giving her medication to reduce her heart rate to normal. They've said this would clear up the other health problems she's been experiencing lately. My dad has spoken to her on the phone, my mum and aunties are with her at the hospital and apparently she sounded a bit better.
I'm feeling too mystified to be properly afraid but it has still affected me. I'm praying she'll be sent home in the next day or two, and that we'll get an update soon.
Had life coaching yesterday: I think I'm facing difficulties which life coaching may not be appropriate for. She agreed that I may have PTSD (which she cannot diagnose) but I would need professional mental health support for this. She strongly emphasised moving on from my past so that I can deal with people better and maybe get ready for a relationship, and this is part and parcel of resolving PTSD anyway. However, I do not trust women, and my belief systems are so negatively biased that I do not know how to forgive or move on. Anger gives me strength.
She again emphasised that the women I've known are not necessarily acting against me, although I feel she is perhaps too much on their side - she urges me to maintain my dignity and respect even though people are clearly not showing any to me. She has written off their actions as nothing more than random, thoughtless and selfish, without real motives or reasons, which jars with my aspie brain: I need things to have a clear explanation so I can make sense of them. It also damages my wounded self-worth when she makes out that I am not, and may never have been special to these people. I know I was at some point. For some reason, clinging to this helps. My self-worth is so low, I'll accept anything I can get to soothe the pain.
Interestingly, it emerged that I am feeling like I'm being stalked by three seperate women even though I have had no contact with them for a while - it's like my mind is extrapolating what they are doing, what they are thinking and feeling about me, so they're overshadowing and affecting my thoughts, feelings and behaviour. Again, she urged me to start forgiving them for what they've done and moving on from them since she says they don't need me any more and they won't be spending time wondering what I'm doing.
In my hatred and desire for vengeance against these women, I've become Captain Ahab hunting the white whale: a twisted, obsessed shadow of his former self, motivated only by his anger. I really need to read Moby Dick. I am Captain Picard in Star Trek: First Contact.
Finally, I've reached a milestone: I have decided to go back to college since my grades may not allow me to take the uni courses I want, and uni will cost £12,500 per year when my only income is a disability benefit. I'm looking at GCSEs and AS levels so I'm only tied down for a year (these new grades combined with my existing ones will almost certainly score me a place at university next year).
I called my former college back, a place I've never really been able to let go of (you see the recurring motif here?), and they confirmed they do not accept adult learners. So that door is now closed to me forever. The good thing is I'll be able to move forward and not keep re-treading the past. However, adult learning is ridiculously expensive and I'm not sure which courses to go for. I am facing difficulties because I already have GCSEs and A-Levels (although not all at the grades I wanted). The fact I have some of these qualifications is acting like a barrier. Our country is so screwed up, it's like they are actively trying to discourage adult learning and re-sitting of exams. There's also the sticky question of fees which range from £500 to £3000 per year and I would need to take out a government loan - if I then go onto Uni my debt would be enough to buy a Mercedes AMG outright.
EDIT: One of the women mentioned above, who I am no longer friends with on Facebook, randomly commented on an old Facebook status of a mutual friend which I was tagged into. The last time anyone commented on that status was 2015. It was a real shock, and has messed me up inside. There was a recent episode of Supernatural where a demon took the form of your darkest desire in order to kill you. It made me wonder who would have been sent against me. The answer is obvious: it's Laura. She's always been my hidden, shameful desire. My love for her is poison in my heart. She's the one I want the most.
My nan has been in hospital for several days and is coming home tomorrow. She wasn't drinking enough fluid in order to "not be a nuisance" by having to have people help her upstairs to the toilet. Consequent dehydration made her very ill for a while.
My mum has had an exhausting and stressful time of it. She went to bed early tonight after falling asleep on the settee at 8pm. I don't feel like I have taken enough of her burden, although I have done some things to help out. It feels selfish to exhaust myself dealing with my own issues (which are challenging but not exactly life-threatening). I've been kind of destressing and avoiding the world by playing 7 Days to Die.
Well tomorrow I'm back in the world. I'm back at Healthwatch to "finish my complaint" for the millionth time. I'm in court on Monday to fight for my PIP. Even when that's done I'll still have to go through it all again to fight for my ESA. It's like my soul has started to reject the DWP and NHS stuff. It's soul-grinding and seemingly never-ending. The truth is, the people in charge of these organisations don't care about anything except their own money. You just have to hang in there until you've survived the automatic bullshit they spew out.
I guess it isn't just "letting go of the past" that I need to do in therapy: I need to get myself physically and mentally prepared for getting back into work.
Woke up feeling absolutely knackered - this seems typical for a day where I'm supposed to be going somewhere - but my arthritis was also playing up. Arthritis slows me and reduces my range of movement. It's like our bodies are elastic, but my arthritis has replaced this elastic with string. String clearly has no elasticity - it will let you go so far but no further.
I have sought debt advice on a debt management website as I am planning to make one-off settlement offers to my creditors (if I get any kind of PIP backpayment on Monday). I need to get this debt finished with. It's ruining my life and crippling my future. It just needs to be gone. The strain is too much, too oppressive, and it is damaging my health. If they won't accept settlement offers I am considering paying them anyway and then declaring bankruptcy.
I need to get the NHS stuff finished for the same reasons. It's holding me back, preventing me from achieving release. It's doubtful the Ombudsman will do anything but symtpathise, but I feel I have very serious complaints with metric tons of evidence to back me up, so I will feel very aggrieved if the Ombudsman doesn't find in my favour.
I'm so held back by the spectres of the past. It's very frustrating. Still, I've had a BBQ invite for tomorrow so this weekend is gonna be a stress blowout. Monday is what worries me; they cannot possibly find in the DWP's favour, but there is a chance they will.
My nan has not been released from hospital. While she showed signs of recovery, my mum thinks she is "fading away" - she doesn't think my nan is going to get through this. The hospital was trying to get my nan to be more mobile but she's 94 and my mum says she hasn't been mobile for two years.
I said maybe she's fading because of where she is and maybe she'll get better when she gets back home with us but my mum disagrees. She said "if this is the end, I want her to be here with us".
My greatest fear has always been that someone dies and I don't care because my asperger side cuts me off from the emotions. That isn't the case here. I don't know what to do to help or comfort anyone but I definitely feel it. I feel like complete crud because I'm supposed to be at a bbq and playing 7 Days to Die on co-op at my friend's house. How can I do these things and take any pleasure from them knowing that my nan might not have much time left?
I am so sorry about your grandma. Just because you have aspergers doesn't mean you don't care. You just have a different way of showing it.
We all show are emotions s in different ways you have every right to the way you feel.
EDIT: Hi dale12345, thank you, it means a lot :)
My nan has been ill again today. I've just made her a cup of tea and am cursing myself for being out sunning myself and playing split-screen 7 Days to Die with my mate. While I've got to live my life, I cannot abandon my nan, especially if her life is almost over. I'm sitting in my dad's computer room typing this and crying where no-one can see me. I was so afraid my aspie side would force me to stay away and close off. It hasn't. I am feeling honest human pain, and it is so different to anxiety or depression. Now more than ever I am reminded that I'm no longer "homo sapiens aspergensis", I am a man with the same feelings as everyone else. I hate how it has taken my nan's suffering for me to realise this.
As is now becoming a weekly occurrence, I got unwanted messages from a woman late last night while I was watching Star Trek: the Wrath of Khan with my brother. This time it was my closest female friend sending me inappropriate sexual messages then claiming her friend sent them.
One of the worst events so far happened today. Someone was deliberately driving in a manner that would provoke me and the worst road rage I've ever had came screaming out. The situation became quite serious. My mate (who agreed the other driver was provoking me when I'd done nothing wrong) was begging me to back down and go.
I am sick with anger. My life coach asked what colour my depression is. I said grey, because it's based on fear. My anger, as I discovered today, is black. It's hungry, it smoulders like the remains of a bonfire only to flare into life. It completely takes me over. My nan may be dying; I'm in court for the most important appointment of my life tomorrow; I don't know how to move on from no less than three women from my past; my entire life has narrowed down to these next few days, because this is when everything is going to change.
I don't know what the universe expects from me. I have no defences left to stop the anger from breaking loose. The last thing I needed was some idiot getting in my face, needlessly provoking me. I am infected with anger, rage, sadness, and they are screaming to be let out. I must hold the line, face the hated DWP tomorrow, then spend time with my nan and help my family to deal with whatever comes next.
The line must hold; but it has never come so close to breaking.
I'm not just going to run rings round the DWP's representative tomorrow; I'm going to rip apart every point they make and find multiple ways to use it against them. Captain Ahab will hunt his whale; I will focus all the hatred, all the malice, all the poison in my soul into one unstoppable laser and expend it against the DWP's heart.
If they can defeat me when every cell in my body, every neuron in my brain, is switched on and working in aggressive harmony - if they can speak more eloquently, and express more pain, and want to win more than I do - then they deserve to beat me.
But they won't win. I am right and they are wrong. In the words of Horus, "We are not right because we are mighty. We are mighty because we are right."
The human heart and the human soul will triumph over a system designed to grind them into nothingness.
To battle.
All you're feeling is perfectly normal for what you going to . Remember when other people are *******s doesn't mean it's your fault . Just some very cruel people in this world. You're going through a lot right now , give yourself a break.
Thank you Beth. Whatever else happens, a large part of the pain will be over in the next few hours. There's a poem quoted in Deep Space 9 which seems appropriate now, as I head to the court to face the DWP:
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1r9xljkCg0)
Cannon to the right of them,
Cannon to the left of them,
Cannon in front of them,
Volley'd and thunder'd.
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of death,
Into the mouth of hell.
---------- Post added at 12:34 ---------- Previous post was at 09:05 ----------
https://www.oxford-royale.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Victory-banner.jpg
I have been awarded a much higher rate of PIP, backdated considerably, guaranteed until at least 2020.
The DWP can consider its arse kicked.
My nan has had a much, much better day today. I thought she was dying yesterday. Now, God willing, it seems like she's not finished yet! This is wonderful news and everyone is so happy.
As for the PIP appeal: the court appears to have stuck two fingers up at the DWP. The wording of their decision is pointed and extremely specific (presumably to prevent the DWP having any excuse to contest or misinterpret it). They stated that I am "very severely impaired". The appeal committee acknowledged in court that these impairments are not immediately obvious and that this makes things more difficult for me. They also acknowledged the extent of my arthritis and the amount of treatment it needs. They failed to hold my attempts at self-improvement against me. They appreciated that I was trying to build a life for myself. Their decision clearly states that it is based on my testimony and the evidence I have provided. (The DWP had not taken any of my evidence into account.)
The DWP representative only spoke for two minutes right at the start. He said the DWP had raised and lowered my scores without providing any explanations, then admitted "there seems to be a lot of confusion" at the DWP's end. I seized on this immediately. "Well, in contrast to the DWP, I am not confused and I do have the facts." I also said my Atos Healthcare report was the greatest work of fiction since War and Peace.
So with hearty congratulations all round - my dad was so emotional he kissed my hand for some reason - and with my nan's health apparently on the up, it's time to move on from this 19-month nightmare and learn to live without the pain.
My mood has been up and down since defeating the DWP. You can't go from hating, fearing and suffering something for nineteen months (particularly after the damage the DWP have caused) and suddenly feel all sunshine and roses. I simply don't know how to stay confident and happy. This is not necessarily a bad sign - it's not entirely due to depression or illness - it's habit. I have always obsessed and worried over things. Existing without the shadow of some massive, overwhelming problem is frightening because it shows me how big the world is.
These days my blips are typically mixed states between anxiety and depression. I reckon this is one reason they're so hard to fight. It's certainly why I used to constantly be confused about what exactly is wrong with me.
The anxiety has gone back to being somewhat unfocused (hence "generalised anxiety disorder"). Unfocused anxiety is worse because you've got nothing to hold onto - nothing to fight, nothing to hate. Your intrusive thoughts are cloudy, they're impressions rather than words or scenarios. It's like I'm experiencing the illness without any illusions - this is what anxiety is when you strip it's camouflage away. Learning how to cope with this "primordial anxiety" will be a major step towards victory.
I told my autism counsellor about the dark side of my character: my anger, my road rage. It may be wishful thinking but she seemed quite "into me" after I revealed this. It certainly livened the session up. She explained to me how anger is often the culmination of other emotions. We discussed my anger in great depth. We also discussed my fear of death.
We discussed the impact my nan's health, the DWP, the NHS and other factors have had on my state of mind. She offered advice regarding paying my debts and seemed to feel my creditors will have already "written off" the money I owe them. My credit rating is already screwed and I don't need further credit.
The DWP awards team called me yesterday and said my back payment will be in my bank by next Friday at the latest. Speedy and efficient service all of a sudden. However, stupidly, they didn't know how much the back payment would be. Shouldn't they have that info before calling people?
I've spent eight hours working on my NHS complaint and am now almost finished. My ombudsman response is likely to be eight pages long, plus an additional 20-25 pages of supporting evidence, not counting the 50 or so pages I already sent to them.
I'm currently on the phone to the DWP to discuss what happens to my ESA now that I'm also on PIP. Nineteen minutes on hold and counting.
I am still struggling to adapt to the lack of worry/uncertainty about my PIP. It is harder for me to live without fear than it is to live with it.
I visited my nan in hospital. The nurses forgot she was in the toilet and left her in there for 45 mins :curse::curse::curse::curse:
My nan was upset because she wants to come home and wants to know when. So would we - my nan has not been eating or drinking for weeks and I am not sure the hospital has even investigated this yet, the bunch of morons. I told my nan that when she comes home, if she calls, we will always be there.
I've managed to overclock my graphics card (a venerable GTX 460, whose imminent replacement is likely to be a GTX 1060 or 1070). My bedroom is now like the Sahara. Maybe overclocking isn't such a good idea. Still, it's only got to last a couple of weeks.
My ESA is going up as I'm on high rate Daily PIP. This means I will be receiving a significant backpayment of ESA. If I pass my health assessment with Maximus, which I do need to have (surprise surprise), my ESA money goes up considerably. So all things are progressing ok on the money front.
As a treat to myself I'm having my car wheels painted black, my brake calipers painted red and some of the interior plastics being re-coloured, all done by my friend who has made a very professional job of his Peugeot 308. It does mean my car will be off the road for a week but I can cope.
brucealmighty
05-08-16, 23:35
hope your car turns out well, I am old enough to remember the mighty 205gti coming out and wishing I had one - instead of a mark 2 cavalier at the time.
glad the money front is improving, its not everything but it really helps when you are stuck
good luck
I still have a Peugeot 206 after eventually having to consign my 205 to the scrapheap a few years back...All power to the Peugeot! I'll be hanging on to it for as long as I can-it's very reliable and all that I need. I'm not into changing my car every 2 years or so just for the sake of it
Thanks fellow Pug fans, I'll upload some pics of my car for comparison when I get onto a proper computer. This is a Microsoft Surface tablet running Win RT 8.1. It's very confusing to use, almost completely lacking in useful features, Microsoft have a track record of abandoning their own products and my Microsoft account is locked for some reason. I use this thing as a word processor and nothing more.
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I tried to make a modification to my dad's car just to see what it would sound like. This was unauthorised and completely idiotic of me. It's resulted in metal body panels getting twisted, not by a crash or anything, but by me losing my grip on something heavy. This is probably going to be horrifically expensive. I cannot understand why my parents haven't gone mental. Maybe the stuff they know about my problems has finally made them more sympathetic. I'm starting to believe the ADHD is like an imp or a demon living inside me and driving me on. I know what I'm doing is stupid or wrong but I simply cannot resist it.
I've been working on my fiction again. The nightmare against the DWP has properly sharpened me up and I am getting better at spotting stuff that needs to be dropped from the story.
A friend who doesn't know about my issues just posted on Facebook "How do people who don't have jobs manage to live comfortably" - yeah, because being treated like an alien and a fool all my life without anyone at all encouraging me or stopping to consider my feelings, and consequently losing every life and employment opportunity presented to me, has been very comfortable. It's surprising how opinionated people can be about things they have no experience with.
I have barely told anyone what's been going on and have told maybe one or two of my closest friends what rates and benefits I'm on. This is another improvement; no more blabbing. It just gives people ammo.
Finally, I've found out that having things to look forward to is highly motivating. I was looking forward to treating myself to a new graphics card and found one £100 cheaper. Unfortunately with the damage to dad's car, this may now be delayed. Life is much more interesting when something is there in the background. This is how I feel in a relationship (when it's going well), this constant, euphoric buzz. A kind of anti-anxiety.
EDIT: How could I forget the other main event? My depressed friend was in a bad way today. I think it's because of someone he is interested in, who doesn't seem to be interested back. He should be starting counselling soon. It won't be a moment too soon - he's in a bad way, much worse than he comes across.
You can't always listen to people like that, he probably doesn't completely understand depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. Try not to take it personally. I know it is hard. Take care of yourself and try not to let the negative stuff in.
People in the UK just don't want anyone getting money that they aren't getting. Circumstances are irrelevant. However my life coach also advised me not to take everything personally. How do I do that? It's going to be tough to learn.
I've been out for the day with my new friend and her dog. It was a really good day but I had a very intrusive blip which knocked me for six. I was actually crying later on. It's this fear of death - I am exploring and challenging it.
My life coach feels my situation has got out of control. She has asked me to pick one person to move on from and forgive her for everything she's done (forgive her in my head, not by contacting her). I picked my ex Cara as she has done a lot of damage. Unfortunately my ex Kelly has been calling me and while I took some initiative by keeping her waiting a day or so, she got the upper hand. I do not understand why she is still calling and messaging me.
I no longer see it as an attempt to be friendly, or some way of rekindling our romance. To my knowledge Kelly is in a relationship and has stated that she never cheats. Then why is she calling her ex (me) and calling him darling? It is clear that Kelly is the one I need to deal with urgently. My state of mind is very poor, I am facing too many things at once and the freedom after beating the DWP is such a significant change I simply am not coping with it yet.
Nobody I know likes Kelly. Nobody wants her in my life. It's time to accept that I should let her go.
My brother may be cutting again (he has a history) and I am worried it's something to do with my behaviour. My life coach says the way I am with my family is more to do with ADHD than depression or PTSD and I must learn to control it now, before it does any more damage.
I started calling my ADHD "the imp" but now I think I need to call it "the demon".
Tl;dr - things are a chaotic mess as usual and I need to fix things now.
I am in a state of mental agitation. It's like restlessness in my head. I am right in thinking that my ADHD is nowhere near as controlled as I thought it was. Getting rid of mental clutter caused by the DWP and my money worries means that I no longer have something to focus my anxiety on and it's become generalised once more. My attention is splitting up again, probably because I feel I am still facing many threats. The ADHD demon is starting to run rampant.
Kelly is still messaging me. While I'm trying to help her with the issue concerning her, my family and close friends think she is looking for excuses to encroach on my life. I feel very messed up over her. It's hard to let go of my feelings, as I'm scared that doing so will make me more depressed and/or anxious.
This is why I can't let go of bitterness and stress regarding other people and situations. I've always had the belief that if I let go of this negativity I will be opened up to horrible anxiety and/or depression. This may or may not be the case -- but I need to find out, because hanging onto the negativity is destroying me. I'm still in "siege mode" and that's how you develop PTSD and other problems. We aren't supposed to feel under siege for this long.
Changes need to be made in how I think, what I do, where I go, who I talk about, who I associate with. If I don't start fixing this soon I am concerned that I'll have some kind of breakdown due to nervous exhaustion.
The problem is prioritising things and making sure I don't neglect my family or true friends as I go.
It would help if the DWP would pay that bloody money because I am dreading calling my creditors. I'm excited and hopeful about it at the same time. I could have my debts eliminated soon. Then again I could end up fighting another series of soul-grinding and costly battles. The trick is to clear my debt while hanging onto as much money as possible; there will be no further payouts of this magnitude and I've got to prepare in case things go wrong at some point. I need to override the demon and learn how to save money rather than blow it all.
When I started this diary I was lonely and confused. Now I wish women would leave me alone!
My mental state veers from "poor" to "recovering". The changing weather is a factor. This is something I was starting to move away from but it just keeps coming back. I seem to have agoraphobic tendencies which mean I suffer very strong intrusive thoughts and mood changes while out and about. The weather can make this much more noticeable. However when the weather becomes bright and warm my mood recovers with amazing speed. I am now virtually certain that changes in the weather activate bad, suppressed memories, which kind of links into the PTSD theory. This means the weather itself does not depress me.
My autism is another factor. When I'm out, I need to go home and obsess with a book or a computer. I enjoy days out more in hindsight - i.e. I feel better when I'm going home and the excess anxiety disappears. This is so frustrating.
My anxiety is becoming more generalised. This is tougher than having something real to focus on. I'm still so scared of becoming depressed, I am very afraid of dying, and now that I am making conscious efforts to beat this it is affecting me way more. I've cried in therapy and even to Samaritans. Unleashing these emotions is helping but for hours afterwards I feel completely messed up. Being able to recognise and deal with these feelings is still new to me (due to my autism) and it can be tough.
I've been avoiding my mate because he's dragging me down, blaming me for the way he is and generally being an ungrateful little trog. I drive him everywhere, give him a life and try to get him on nights out. He doesn't even offer me petrol money even though he knows how desperate my debts are.
I fell out with my sister last night as I want to use a fraction (1/30) of my PIP award to have my car wheels darkened. She feels I don't deserve to treat myself after two years of hell fighting the DWP and should pay my debts off, although I had just spent ten minutes telling her how I'm doing that exact thing (so she wasn't listening).
My family seem morally opposed to everything I want to do with my life because "I don't need it". If I wanted someone to judge me and control how I think, feel and behave - to tell me what I want and need - I've got plenty of unpleasant ex-girlfriends who, incidentally, my family also hated. I could argue that my sister didn't need her new Audi, my dad didn't need a new camera, but the moment I do that they become closed and aggressive. That's neurotypicals for you: do as they say, not as they do.
It troubles me that I am feeling more isolated from my family than ever. I feel alienated by their beliefs, and I am almost betrayed at how little they seem to know me. Everything I've achieved in recent years has been through my own effort and my own suffering, with limited input from them.
My independence is long overdue.
Thanks Beth, me too :hugs:
The other day I promised pics of Gallant, the mighty Pug:
I'm backing away from the world slightly to give myself a break. I'm spending the day pottering around the house and messing about with my computer. This also gives me a chance to practice working on mindfulness, which my autism therapist recently converted me to (previously I wasn't able to practice mindfulness due to my ADHD running riot), and to continue trying to forgive people for things so I can let go of the past.
I'm expanding the number of people I need to "forgive" and I include myself in this. I need to let go of stuff I've done to other people as well as to myself. I'm not entirely my own best friend in life and if I'm ever going to get better, I need to start by healing the fractures inside my personality caused by my different conditions pulling against each other all the time. This will allow me to present a united, confident and certain front to the world. There will be no chinks in my armour any more. I'll effectively be an army of one. Hopefully this will end my reliance on others.
My need to be liked/loved/wanted/accepted has been noted by both my life coach and my autism therapist. They have both emphasised how important it is that I deal with this and teach myself to rely on me - so that means I won't chase the wrong women, won't constantly seek approval from others and will be able to exist as a separate human being with my own identity. Identity problems were highlighted several years ago by my previous therapist. I exist only in other people and feel like nothing when people aren't paying attention to me.
My conditions are so numerous and their effects on me so complex that it's sometimes impossible to believe I can pull this mess together and build a full life for myself. I've got to believe that I can do it. I have been consistently learning and improving over time. Setbacks are part of life. The thing to remember is, you can still make progress even when things are at their toughest.
If I do manage to overcome it all and take my place in the world, there will certainly be books and novels in it. I have been told a few times to publish my life story. There are enough bizarre things to keep readers interested. It would be a sham to do it now though, when there is still so much to do and so far to go.
To battle!
I blew my computer up.
People actually suspect I did this on purpose as an excuse to buy upgraded parts. Why yes, I'll nearly set my house on fire because I want an Asrock Gaming Extreme. I'm currently on my dad's computer (which he doesn't know about yet) and I've spent a couple of hours unwinding with a fan remake of an old Sega Master System game. It's called Wonder Boy 3: The Dragon's Curse. The original game is one of the best things I've ever played. I spent many Saturday nights as an eight year old with my heart pounding and palms sweaty as I battled ninjas and clouds that rain fire.
Unfortunately The Dragon's Curse is keyboard-only and being a modern version of an old game, it's harder than Arnie's frozen turd. God only knows what kind of hell will be unleashed when (if) I reach the Samauri Dragon's castle. I managed to find a new secret character whose quest is so arduous it made me gurn like Albert Steptoe. So it's a combination of nostalgia and frantic swearing.
My recent dip in spirit seems to be linked to my Aspergers. When you suffer an Aspie burnout it superficially resembles depression but it doesn't last as long. A few hours, or a couple of days at most, of doing your own thing and it wears off. It feels like the sun is coming out from behind a cloud. You suddenly switch back on, you become social again (or as social as an autistic person with GAD can be) and you take so much joy in everything. The key is to remember that some "blips" are not connected to illness, they're a natural limitation of Aspergers. I am hitting my own design limits.
That's kind of a metaphor for my whole life. It's like when I am trying to overcome these problems and have a "normal" life, I'm running into physical and emotional limits that seem impossible to overcome. Am I trying to fit a neurotypical life into my aspie soul? Should I be listening to my body and trying to find alternative ways of doing things? Am I engineered to be this way, and I need to find ways to make life work as I am now? Or are my limits simply a challenge to overcome? Can I break free of the glass wall and be like everyone else?
These are serious questions to be asking on a Sunday night when you've just been transformed into Mouse Man by the dragon's curse.
So you think it is your autism that us causing problems.
Yes, in some respects. I think it's more that I am designed to be a certain way and I can only function within my design limits. Trying to exist in the neurotypical world forces me to act, think and talk in a manner that is quite alien. This is where some of the damage has come from. Trying to think and act like a neurotypical wounds the Aspergers mind and spirit. This is why we appear "disabled" to people who aren't autistic.
It works both ways though: to an aspie, it's the neurotypicals who are "broken". We probably don't fit into the neurotypical world because we don't want to, not because we can't. I'm trying to find a compromise between the aspie and neurotypical worlds - if this even exists.
My mood received a boost and a hit tonight. My friend is modifying and repairing parts on my car for a ridiculously low price and I have seen his work. He's good. My computer appears to be ok, it was just the power pack that blew (it was shooting sparks when my mate "fired it up"). He might be able to get me a job working at his place.
I have finished my creditor letters where I am asking my creditors to write my debts off. If they do this, I'll be saving at least 9 grand, possibly more. My credit rating is screwed anyway. My creditors are willing to listen but it might be some time before they can respond. I have done my income/expenditure stuff and emphasised that the DWP will probably stop paying ESA. It's as watertight as I can make it.
The bad news: my brother has a serious problem with alcohol. He buys so much in supermarkets that staff ask if he's having a party. We're talking 12-16 bottles of wine plus 20 cans of lager per week minimum. We are putting two boxes full of bottles and cans out for recycling each week and this is provoking comments from people who see it. Tonight I refused to put a third box out as it's just too much. My family wanted to put it outside the house of a neighbour who's gone on holiday. I again refused as someone will no doubt tell them. So guess who's got to take it to the tip tomorrow? Me, who's had four alcoholic drinks in the last three years.
While I am increasingly worried for my brother, this is making my whole family look like a bunch of wineos and it's creating needless work. Not to mention we suspect he is sneaking measures of spirits as well. We occasionally find empty gin bottles at the back of the cupboard but this is rare. This is not the only thing my brother does which impacts everyone else; he won't change his habits, he isn't looking after his hygeine and he rants about how bad he feels if we try to tell him anything.
This is purely selfish but I have dragged myself through the mud over the years, I've cried and ranted and fought to get better, to improve myself, to be more than I was. It infuriates me to see my dad and my brother both flatly refusing to help out, refusing to go anywhere or do anything, they just want to sit in front of the telly watching football without caring how their bad habits impact other people. And if I voice this, I am immediately shouted down by my family for not showing consideration for other people's problems. Yeah, like they've always shown for mine??
Looks like I'll be discussing my family in therapy this week.
A very, very good day. Getting up at 6am was horrific, especially since I couldn't get to sleep until nearly 1am, but I did it. My doctor is giving me everything I need to help with my creditors and my ESA claim. Such a change from that arrogant prat who used to be my GP!
I then visited my friend (at 8.20am), we walked her dog and went to her allotment, then we went for an epic walk and even rented a paddleboat (the effort of which nearly killed us, and we nearly crashed into two Malaysian girls in a canoe).
I fed an alpaca (which had the same haircut as I used to), a llama and some goats - this is feeding them from my hand - and the alpaca spat on my friend, but it was actually aiming at the llama. We saw a number of women wearing summer skirts and ultra-short shorts, and from the looks on their faces, they all seemed to think they were the ultimate supermodels and I was under their power. Sorry loves, it doesn't work that way with me.
The DWP have paid my money and I am finally able to repay family members who I owe money to. My family see this as a significant step forwards; I haven't been able to pay them anything back for two years.
My memory seems to be slipping at times. This is playing hell with my health anxiety. Maybe I've been focused on computers and legal battles for too long; my brain feels rusty, it's difficult to focus on the real world after being under so much pressure for so long.
I am not truly appreciating the gravity of what I've done. I defeated the DWP largely through my own effort and my money problems could be completely resolved within two months. The magnitude of this is nearly impossible to take in because it represents a release from so much worry, so much suffering, so much pain. I will have a clear blue horizon for the first time in my life. I am having to reboot my own existence.
Well, my new life can wait til tomorrow. Time to play Wonder Boy, and if I don't get Mouse Man through the jungle today after spending two hours at it last night, this computer will find out if it can fly :D
Interestingly I've just been told by a head psychologist that talking therapy isn't proven to do much good for ASD clients. Just wondered what your views were on that, Poet? My daughter's ACT therapy will finish shortly as the therapist is leaving-of course she is panicking and her anxiety is very high. I have been advised to not look for any further specialised therapy but for her to use the tools she has learned. I can see the point of this but it's going to be hard. Does your autism specialist therapist help you more than conventional therapy did? Hope you don't mind me asking?
Hi Pulisa. I'm going to send you a PM.
My nan has been very ill and this was another day where I thought she would die. I was holding her hand expecting her to take her last breath at any minute. While I consciously willed her to live, some vile part of me was wanting her to get it over with. I feel that I have betrayed someone I love with these feelings. That, to me as an aspie and as a man, is the worst crime anyone can commit. Fortunately my nan is ok but there was concern she had a blood clot.
My friend, who's got my car for the week while he modifies and repairs it for me, says it has "run out of fuel" while he was "turning it around". I take this to mean he's been ragging the balls off it on the fast roads next to his house. I was probably stupid to leave it with him. It had ten or twenty miles of fuel left in it.
I don't know why I did this but I texted my ex who I'm struggling to get over. We chatted for a bit, then I told her I had a girlfriend when I actually don't. I feel horrible for having told a lie and don't know why I did it.
On the good side, I went to see Star Trek Beyond today and it's one of the best films I've seen in ages. There were a lot of nods to Star Trek: Enterprise (Idris Elba in an Enterprise-era uniform was a big middle finger to the haters), a brief name-drop for Voyager and one of the aliens stranded on the planet was clearly a Jem'Hadar from Deep Space 9. The ending in particular was so moving I had tears in my eyes.
So a rollercoaster of emotions which has ended with me playing mind games with an ex when there was no need for me to do this. And to cap it all, after THREE DAYS of trying, I finally got further in the super-hard Wonder Boy 3 quest, only for me to find a glitch which trapped me outside the playing area which means I'VE GOT TO DO IT ALL AGAIN (see attached image).
A confusing and difficult day. My nan is in hospital and has had a blood clot the length of her leg pulled out of her body; more NHS incompetence which nearly cost my nan her life. This has been in her for months without them noticing!
My mum has been horrible today. Maybe it's a reaction to the stress she's under. It seems people feel much worse after a traumatic event has been successfully resolved rather than during it, hence PTSD and depression. She had a go at me out of nowhere.
I told my sister that I feel alienated from my own family. I have a serious problem with thinking that people don't love me. This goes deeper than anxiety or depression or PTSD; this is my autism talking. I feel a void inside me which is where my anxiety and confidence problems come from. Meeting a new woman temporarily fills this void. I feel loved and wanted for a while. This is why I get together with the first person who comes along. The void always returns. Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet, or maybe there is something I'm missing, some way to eliminate the void so I don't need someone else's attention to sustain me.
I am 37. This is long past the time I should have moved out. I still rely on other people's thoughts and opinions even though these contradict my own 90% of the time. This is something I've discussed in life coaching. I don't know how to close what I see as a widening gap between myself and my family. It's like they don't know me at all. I definitely felt my family were better than me.
Life events have shown that I am much stronger without their support. I will go further than they dare. I have become a fighter. In some ways I have exceeded them. This makes me upset, but -- isn't the function of a child to exceed its parents?
Autism counselling is helping somewhat. This is a tough and hurtful topic. I'm not sure how many sessions are left. I am suffering "transferrence" onto my counsellor because she is ridiculously attractive, she looks like my ex and she is quite alpha. More importantly, she is always on my side. She compliments me. It's dangerous territory; I'm latching onto her because of her kindness. And that in itself says something about the people I meet.
I hope everything works out.
Thanks Beth.
Things have been working steadily upwards. I am 100% certain that the aftermath of defeating the DWP has left me exhausted and depressed, so I am working on ways of recovering from this.
I have made new friends. I'm going to Scotland on the 5th September with my new friend David (who, technically, is a school friend I reconnected with). We had a brilliant weekend at the Leeds armoury, and ended up getting a boat-taxi for free, so it was an adventure in a new city.
My friendship with Nat, my friend from the writing group, is also going well. We have become quite close and are spending a bit of time together. I'm meeting her best friend soon.
An American girl contacted me on Facebook to talk about a comment I made on a news article about Star Trek: Voyager. We properly hit it off and have been getting closer for the last few days. We chat constantly on Whatsapp and we have even discussed me going over to meet her. Unfortunately the plane journey is eight hundred quid.
My male friends are sick as parrots: from their perspective, I get female attention just by waking up in the morning.
I am being "money-shamed" by my family every time I spend as much as a pound. This has led to me getting nasty with people. I simply cannot be assertive or friendly, I am like a dog that's been whipped by cruel masters until it's turned into a killing machine. My family greatly overstate the amount of support they've given me (I also greatly understate it). They seem to be more than willing to tell me how to spend my own money that I fought, suffered and cried for without their help.
My dad also told me I am "a guest" in their house. Funny, I thought I was their disabled son. What he said is unforgiveable. I'm worried that if things carry on I will start to hate my parents. Once I hate them, history has shown that they will always be my enemies.
My new friendship has been in trouble. Not because of anything I've done or she's done. Both of us have been badly hurt by members of the opposite sex and we are both sort of "retreating" at the same time. She isn't very well today and the weather has been horrendous here which has made me feel low. (There seems to be no reason for feeling like this other than bad memories - it's really weird - it's like my mood crashes for no reason.)
This "retreat mode" as I call it happens to me all the time and it's now time to overcome it. Kim is a lovely, interesting person. In fact it scares me how close we've become in such a short time. Our friendship isn't really "in trouble" anywhere except in my own head -- and this is what I urgently need to resolve. I don't know why I think we are in trouble. All I feel are nebulous, half-formed bad thoughts and bad memories that vanish in the light of day.
So I decided to reboot our friendship. We've had a good laugh these last few days. Both of us want to move forward. We can help each other.
I like her a lot: her personality, her voice, her looks. I am genuinely scared that if we met we could actually work, long-term. There are so many challenges. I know I'm jumping the gun. I've felt this about other women and been bitterly disappointed.
I'm terrified because I like her and I can actually imagine us working.
My friendship with Kim has taught me valuable lessons about myself. The therapists etc are right: I am not ready for new friendships, let alone new relationships, with women just yet. I do not trust them at all and in many cases I simply am not interested in getting to know people any more. I also don't treat potential girlfriends the same as I treat my friends. With my friends I'm crazy, super-confident, bouncing around like a labrador. With potential romances I am serious and my hurt and anger keep intruding.
So now I'm going to treat everyone the same. No more airs and graces. No more lapses into personal darkness. No more heaviness. I'm just going to be me. If they don't like me, then that is that.
Following this advice is helping with Kim. I am not ready for her but here she is. I don't want to lose her.
The girl I call Psycho has been at it again. I cannot seem to go a single weekend without some random messages or hassle from women I don't want in my life. My therapists constantly try to convince me women do not see me as special. If not, why do they do little things months after we stopped seeing each other, stuff they KNOW will get an emotional reaction? If I'm so unimportant and they're so moved on, why don't they stick to their new musclier, more outgoing, more self-fancying, less insane new boyfriends? Why keep poking their noses into my ear?
It's hard to move on from someone who keeps popping out of the bushes to slap your face with a wet haddock.
My new friendship is working much better now. Much stronger, more genuine. She is a very interesting individual and I am maintaining a discrete guard just in case; the way we met isn't exactly normal, and women like her haven't turned out to have my interests at heart in the past, so we'll see how it goes. For now everything seems ok.
I have blocked Psycho. I've contacted a couple of mutual friends to see if they know what her other account names are (several of the women I know use second accounts when they want to cheat on their boyfriends). Nobody is sure. My Facebook wall is private so it probably doesn't matter.
While the things Psycho does are very minor and spread out over a long period of time, I know she's doing them to remind me of her - and probably to provoke me. My family and closest friends initially had the unspoken attitude of "women don't do this to men, stop being silly", but now even the thickest of them are concerned.
My parents have offered me a paid-for holiday for two to Portugal. They can't go due to my nan's health. On the plus side I saw her in hospital and she should be hopefully coming home soon.
I've got weird back pains which I am worried may be kidney stones.
My PC is repaired with a far more powerful power supply unit. I just got the first XCom game complete with all its expansions and am planning to go to war against the alien scum this week. I also got N++ which I've been waiting ten years for. If anyone is interested this is N++'s launch week I believe and it's on sale at 20% off for a short time.
Tl;dr... the ridiculously complicated woman situation continues. However life is generally improving and my state of mind is the best it's been in a long time.
The rebuilding of my life continues. I am starting to rebuild old friendships with some blokes I knew from school and previous jobs. I now have a small group of close friends, three men and two women, who I actually spend time with in real life as opposed to online. Opportunities that I never had before have started to open up to me, including the opportunities to travel. The money I won from my fight with the DWP has made a massive difference; not only will it repay a chunk of debt, I can now buy clothes and perform essential maintenance on my car and computer, as well as not worry about how I'm going to survive another month.
Unfortunately my nan is still in the hospital and has had a very bad day. My parents were so down when they got home. My mum has been warned that my nan is showing the first signs of her body shutting down.
She has started on the road to heaven.
My nan is fighting back. It is a stark reminder that life will always strive to endure, even when the odds seem impossible. As Seven of Nine once said, "Impossible is a word that humans use far too often".
I have had the most epic day of adventure. My new friend Dave is always thinking ahead to his next journey, his next escapade. It is incredibly encouraging. My whole body is exhausted from a day of walking and climbing, things I thought were impossible (that word again) until now. My mind is tired from the mind-boggling beauty of the countryside. We have made memories that have nothing to do with mental cruelty, mental illness or psycho exes. My new friends are forward-thinkers, passionate, intelligent, kind-hearted.
Today was so good I almost feel like I've been dreaming. But this isn't a dream, this is reality, and for perhaps the first time in my life, reality has exceeded the dream. There's a message here.
We are planning trips to Scotland, Ireland, Italy and the USA. Unfortunately the cost of a flight to America is more expensive than an entire week's holiday in Europe, which annoys me no end.
I have several new reasons to go to America. I have the means to go there. Next year we're hiring an American muscle car (which means I need to learn how their road system works and I need to get over my prejudice against American cars) and doing Route 66.
My life has opened up into something that was unimaginable only a few weeks ago.
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/6AAzWLN3gDs/maxresdefault.jpg
With the DWP defeated and my anxiety in desperate retreat, this is literally the closest I've been to recovery. And there's more good news to come.
I have experienced a number of highs and lows in the preceding weeks, but things are gradually sorting themselves out.
* I've now got a girlfriend. She's an American. I have always loved accents and foreign girlfriends. My sisters seem to be the same with men. It must be genetic?
* My ex Kelly has told me she loves me and wants to get back with me -- but she has sacrificed this so that I can be happy with my new girlfriend. A woman has done something loving, romantic and noble for me.
* I will be visiting America at Christmas with my girlfriend. This is the fulfilment of a dream I never, ever thought possible.
* I have made all-new friends and begun to move on from my devastated past. This has involved learning to let go of traumatic memories and experiences. My friendships are two-sided, it isn't just me dominating or using people. These are friendships I have carefully cultivated and am working hard to maintain. I am choosing the future, not the past.
* I've rediscovered my love of cars, computers, technology, gaming and travel. I now have the support and the financial power to explore these hobbies.
* I just stepped up a dose of strattera to 30mg/day. I have dreaded this but my experience has actually been rather pleasant. There are no signs of any horrid intrusive thoughts or crashes in my mood. If anything, my mood has been more stable and more positively biased.
* After being effectively stalked by Laura, a woman I have mentioned a number of times, which was starting to concern my family (at last!) and my girlfriend, I have blocked Laura completely and left her behind.
* More importantly than any of the above, my nan is now home from hospital after many long weeks where we thought she would never come home. Life has prevailed.
There have been many, many positive changes. I am handling money far better than before, and am managing my credit rating, finances, medication and therapy. I am back in regular therapy: my counsellor and life coach have both stated how pleased they are with the progress I've made recently.
Touch wood, things are going better than I ever dreamed they might.
I wondered where you were! What a lovely, positive post. It's great to hear so much good news, and especially about you Nan. Take care
Thank you! :D It's amazing to be able to make posts such as these. There have been positive things before but this is like I am finally starting to make dreams come true.
My relationship is taking a lot of work. I was most certainly not ready for a relationship. I have had to work through a lot of anger, fear and suspicion which has led to several unpleasant meltdowns, the most recent of which lasted nearly a week. Numerous problem areas have been highlighted. My girlfriend has been supportive beyond belief. It really feels like we might make it.
I've been on holiday with a friend and I'm going to the Lake District with him tomorrow. This is the realisation of a dream I've had for years. He's a bit of a slave driver though, the weather won't be pleasant for some of the holiday. My anxiety has been in overdrive about it. But we're visiting Hadrian's Wall and other places I've always wanted to see. God only knows what a mess my anxiety and my arthritis will be.
Before my new relationship got underway, I had "sexual relations" with my female friend who I've been getting closer to over the last few months. Nothing has happened, or will happen, since my new girlfriend came onto the scene. Instead of being awkward or damaging my friendship with that female friend, it has actually bonded us. That is the only time I've had casual sex with someone I wasn't planning to have a relationship with.
Winter is now starting to draw near. I've been dreading it all year for its impact on my mood. But now I am actually starting to look forward to it for the first time in years: Halloween, Bonfire Night, then America, then Christmas. The grey weather has brought with it not dread, as it did last year, but rather the elation that great things are about to happen.
Anxiety and depression are still endemic. But their power is largely broken. Depression has put up the sternest resistance. I am fighting it by learning to accept that I don't have to feel afraid, I don't have to feel broken. I have won the battle of a lifetime in defeating the DWP. I now have a life to live. And I intend to live it to the fullest.
I've just returned from a week in the Lake District. My arthritis was nowhere near as much a problem as I expected (although it was very bad for a couple of hours most mornings); we didn't do much walking, we visited lots of sites including a number of locations visited by the late, great Fred Dibnah. I met Fred's son. I was hoping to get photos of me and him together as my brother is a massive Fred Dibnah fan. Unfortunately the son was nothing like the father and he didn't even want to discuss Fred at all. My brother has schizophrenia and it would have been a nice surprise for him if this had worked out.
We also got the unbelievable opportunity to chat with the owner of Muncaster Castle, an eccentric old chap who I liked a great deal. His blunt, straightforward manner appealed to my aspie side. Most people fudge the truth or hold back. It's good to see some people still wear their hearts on their sleeves.
My relationship is "sort of" endangered. I have made huge strides against my anxiety and depression (some of the problems I have overcome were serious). Unfortunately, this has left a "vacuum" and my nervous energy has found a target in my girlfriend. I've become paranoid that I am depressing her and that she wants to split up. She has said this isn't the case. We are both grappling with problems and our relationship lost its spark, its sense of fun.
I don't really know how to "chill out" in life. I am constantly wound up and edgy. Even the increased strattera dose isn't helping much. However, we are now heading towards winter and that is definitely impacting me; I am also wary of my insane plan to visit America. The anxiety/depression sometimes seem as strong as they used to be. I don't think it's a relapse as such. I think I'm pushing myself outside my safety zone and the illness is pushing back.
Everything is still on, everything is good. But I am having so many new experiences, I am battling against so many issues, that it's overcoming my medication and my self-help. This is not an admission of defeat. Quite the opposite. I need to cope better with change and become more confident/positive about myself. I need to go to bed earlier, get more exercise and start eating better. These are things I can train myself to do. There are still nine weeks before I fly out to Georgia. It should be time to at least make a dent in the core of my anxiety.
There are nine weeks left before I fly to America. The insanity of this is starting to sink in. Two weeks is by far the longest I will have spent away from home. I am cut off completely should anything go wrong. Whatever happens, it will certainly be an adventure.
Vanquishing certain threats, and starting to move away from hate and anger, has unexpectedly created a blip. I'm now free to do and think what I want. That freedom is terrifying. I am looking ahead for the first time with optimism.
But I am still having blips and intrusive thoughts, when I am finally starting to build something for myself. I forgot how bad blips were. It's so annoying to be dragged back forcibly into the past when I am trying to move forward.
It goes to show that any change, even for the better, can cause problems for a person with anxiety, let alone someone with autism. My anxiety feels unfocused, like it used to do in the bad old days, and this makes it more threatening somehow. I feel exhausted within (probably due to my holiday).
I am frightened that I am becoming depressed but the truth is, what I'm experiencing now is probably a reaction to what I've been through over the last few months. This is the aftermath. If this really is just another blip, and I can overcome it, then it will be a very potent sign that I can eventually recover.
Well, that was unpleasant. I was definitely risking relapse. Things have drastically improved in the last week or two,
* I am not currently taking my strattera. I am one hundred per cent certain that the near-relapse was caused by trying to increase the dose. I just cannot tolerate anything about 25mg and to be honest I think I've been struggling on 25mg anyway.
* I have actually coped well without strattera, which is unexpected. I felt like I was recovering from the near-relapse within 2-3 days of stopping it. My ADHD became much stronger of course, but I have striven to master it. While my control is far from perfect, the improvements I've made in the last year are real and appear to be permanent.
* I am still "sort of" in my relationship. We've slowed things down and started again. It seems to be helping us both. I am managing to maintain my friendships without any of the old difficulties creeping in.
* I seem to be moving on from my past. The people I used to cling to (and be afraid of) are no longer relevant and I don't think of them as much. It's scary to realise that it is now almost a year to the day that I met my lunatic ex. My whole world has changed since then. Mostly for the better.
So I held my nerve, moved on from the past and avoided the dreaded relapse. In the words of Captain Sisko, "This is a huge victory for the good guys".
I have managed to avoid falling into relapse for a second time. The changing weather, my (now ended) relationship and various other factors have exhausted me physically and mentally.
My relationship proved to be extremely damaging to my state of mind. I "woke up" and realised I was dating an angry, jealous woman who I could simply never do enough for. Even my autism counsellor advised me that I could not possibly have done anything more than I did - I gave it my best shot and nearly ended up running myself back into the arms of my former illness. So now she's gone, she's not coming back and I am very gradually starting to get back some energy, some positivity.
My woman troubles are now over. I harbour no more fear, mistrust or anger towards women. I know what mistakes I make in relationships, I can see where I need to improve, and from now on I will leave as soon as someone gives me the familiar warning signs - I simply cannot cope with another destructive or abusive relationship. I will protect myself by avoiding people who have clearly got problems, I will take a far greater time getting to know someone before getting into anything with them. My specialists, family and friends have all begged me to avoid relationships for at least six more months. I no longer feel the need to have a relationship at all and would prefer to be friends with people. It's less complicated and friends stick around longer.
I have made a tremendous effort to upskill myself so that I am better at engaging with people, I will some day be able to cope with a relationship, I am paying off my creditors (I now owe five grand less than I did two months ago). My fitness was improving but unfortunately the arthritis is so severe that I simply cannot be as physically active as I used to be -- working on my physical health is going to be a long, gradual process.
It's been a tough and exhausting time, but the thin red line remains unbroken.
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