franfhm
25-03-16, 12:01
I just don't know what to do anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible sick feeling, the kind I get when I'm really struggling with my anxiety and my brain needs to explode.
As some of you may know, I had an ex boyfriend who used to take great delight in trying to get back together with me, by doing things such as randomly turning up at my house, calling me and texting me at all hours of the day. However when things didn't go his way he would get pretty nasty and make me feel awful about myself. We used to train at the same gym together, and I would go later in the evening to avoid him, yet when he discovered what I was doing he would also turn up later with a couple of girls in tow - so I stopped going altogether and went back to an old gym where I was getting peace and quiet.
Anyway, all of a sudden he stopped all of this texting, randomly turning up etc.. I spent the first two weeks on pins, not sleeping properly as I kept thinking the door was going to go, but this settled. I booked myself a holiday for July and started seeing my friends again. I should have been starting to feel better, but I was just feeling worse. Too many "why's" in my head. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I am. I went out with my friends to watch some rugby, and it all ended up in a drama which I wanted nothing to do with (thankfully I escaped being involved but you are involved because of the friend link). Since this has happened all I can think of is he was right about everything.
To make matters worse, he encouraged me to enter a marathon which is happening in 3 weeks time, which I did. I got my race instructions yesterday and they are full of things to look out for after the race which could indicate you have developed a medical problem. However as I am now having to drag myself to the other end of the country to run this event alone, I am so scared that something may happen to me and nobody will know about it. My mum and dad have looked for somewhere to stay but it was too late and hotel rooms were rediculously expensive or sold out, so I will have no one there to cheer me over the finish line.
My friends all have other commitments such as children and work so they are not able to come and stay in the room I have booked and support me. The more and more I am thinking about this the more I am thinking I can't do this alone. I don't have the mental strength to deal with it. I wasn't supposed to be doing this by myself, yet he pushed me and pushed me to end the relationship and made him move out. So yes, it is all my fault as he says - but how can you go on in a relationship when you bend over backwards to make your home theirs as they have nowhere else to go - yet all you get is accusations that you are cheating on them?!?!
I just don't know what to do anymore, these thoughts are tumbling through my head all the time. I've tried to get answers from him but he really really hates me - which hurts even more as all I have ever done is try to help him out, put up with so much of his bad behaviour due to addiction problems (which were also my fault apparently), but yet he still thinks the way he has been is acceptable because he "loved me".
Sorry for the rambling post, I just can't shut my brain up. I have my last long training run to do tomorrow and I just don't have the confidence in myself to do this anymore xx
As some of you may know, I had an ex boyfriend who used to take great delight in trying to get back together with me, by doing things such as randomly turning up at my house, calling me and texting me at all hours of the day. However when things didn't go his way he would get pretty nasty and make me feel awful about myself. We used to train at the same gym together, and I would go later in the evening to avoid him, yet when he discovered what I was doing he would also turn up later with a couple of girls in tow - so I stopped going altogether and went back to an old gym where I was getting peace and quiet.
Anyway, all of a sudden he stopped all of this texting, randomly turning up etc.. I spent the first two weeks on pins, not sleeping properly as I kept thinking the door was going to go, but this settled. I booked myself a holiday for July and started seeing my friends again. I should have been starting to feel better, but I was just feeling worse. Too many "why's" in my head. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I am. I went out with my friends to watch some rugby, and it all ended up in a drama which I wanted nothing to do with (thankfully I escaped being involved but you are involved because of the friend link). Since this has happened all I can think of is he was right about everything.
To make matters worse, he encouraged me to enter a marathon which is happening in 3 weeks time, which I did. I got my race instructions yesterday and they are full of things to look out for after the race which could indicate you have developed a medical problem. However as I am now having to drag myself to the other end of the country to run this event alone, I am so scared that something may happen to me and nobody will know about it. My mum and dad have looked for somewhere to stay but it was too late and hotel rooms were rediculously expensive or sold out, so I will have no one there to cheer me over the finish line.
My friends all have other commitments such as children and work so they are not able to come and stay in the room I have booked and support me. The more and more I am thinking about this the more I am thinking I can't do this alone. I don't have the mental strength to deal with it. I wasn't supposed to be doing this by myself, yet he pushed me and pushed me to end the relationship and made him move out. So yes, it is all my fault as he says - but how can you go on in a relationship when you bend over backwards to make your home theirs as they have nowhere else to go - yet all you get is accusations that you are cheating on them?!?!
I just don't know what to do anymore, these thoughts are tumbling through my head all the time. I've tried to get answers from him but he really really hates me - which hurts even more as all I have ever done is try to help him out, put up with so much of his bad behaviour due to addiction problems (which were also my fault apparently), but yet he still thinks the way he has been is acceptable because he "loved me".
Sorry for the rambling post, I just can't shut my brain up. I have my last long training run to do tomorrow and I just don't have the confidence in myself to do this anymore xx