My brain feels like it's going to eat itself up :(

[franfhm]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible sick feeling, the kind I get when I'm really struggling with my anxiety and my brain needs to explode.

As some of you may know, I had an ex boyfriend who used to take great delight in trying to get back together with me, by doing things such as randomly turning up at my house, calling me and texting me at all hours of the day. However when things didn't go his way he would get pretty nasty and make me feel awful about myself. We used to train at the same gym together, and I would go later in the evening to avoid him, yet when he discovered what I was doing he would also turn up later with a couple of girls in tow - so I stopped going altogether and went back to an old gym where I was getting peace and quiet.

Anyway, all of a sudden he stopped all of this texting, randomly turning up etc.. I spent the first two weeks on pins, not sleeping properly as I kept thinking the door was going to go, but this settled. I booked myself a holiday for July and started seeing my friends again. I should have been starting to feel better, but I was just feeling worse. Too many "why's" in my head. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I am. I went out with my friends to watch some rugby, and it all ended up in a drama which I wanted nothing to do with (thankfully I escaped being involved but you are involved because of the friend link). Since this has happened all I can think of is he was right about everything.

To make matters worse, he encouraged me to enter a marathon which is happening in 3 weeks time, which I did. I got my race instructions yesterday and they are full of things to look out for after the race which could indicate you have developed a medical problem. However as I am now having to drag myself to the other end of the country to run this event alone, I am so scared that something may happen to me and nobody will know about it. My mum and dad have looked for somewhere to stay but it was too late and hotel rooms were rediculously expensive or sold out, so I will have no one there to cheer me over the finish line.

My friends all have other commitments such as children and work so they are not able to come and stay in the room I have booked and support me. The more and more I am thinking about this the more I am thinking I can't do this alone. I don't have the mental strength to deal with it. I wasn't supposed to be doing this by myself, yet he pushed me and pushed me to end the relationship and made him move out. So yes, it is all my fault as he says - but how can you go on in a relationship when you bend over backwards to make your home theirs as they have nowhere else to go - yet all you get is accusations that you are cheating on them?!?!

I just don't know what to do anymore, these thoughts are tumbling through my head all the time. I've tried to get answers from him but he really really hates me - which hurts even more as all I have ever done is try to help him out, put up with so much of his bad behaviour due to addiction problems (which were also my fault apparently), but yet he still thinks the way he has been is acceptable because he "loved me".

Sorry for the rambling post, I just can't shut my brain up. I have my last long training run to do tomorrow and I just don't have the confidence in myself to do this anymore xx

[Fishmanpa]

My goodness, this "man" (and I use the term loosely) has really shot your self esteem and confidence to hell hasn't he? Sheesh!

Just my opinion? Go!.. do it no matter how hard it may be. Just going no matter what happens is a HUGE victory for you and will do more good than harm in the long run (pun intended). Remember, the worst "what ifs" are the chances we never took due to fear. I have the feeling if you don't, you'll end up feeling even worse.

Good luck and as always

Positive thoughts

[franfhm]

Thanks fishman. He really has shot any confidence I had and it's not getting any better. My hand tremors have come back really badly and I find it so embarrassing. Sometimes it gets so bad I feel my entire body is like a jelly and I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.

I know I have to do the race - well I'm running it for charity and people have very kindly sponsored me (although that is making me cry that people are believing in me enough to give me money to do this) - so I have to - there is no going back. Also it has wound me up enough that I had to leave the gym I liked using to avoid him, so I will be damned if I will give up on my ambition of completing a marathon.

Marathon training hasn't helped my self esteem as my body has changed - I was quite petite to begin with but now I just feel like I am a bag of bones with bags around my eyes. So I feel I have lost the features that people used to compliment me on. I'm trying to find some confidence again but failing miserably x

[Catherine S]

I agree, look at this marathon as a positive thing and not a negative. Think how much self esteem you'll get back from it. I know it's scary but you can do it. Even if your parents can't get accommodation in the town the marathon's being held, can they not just look a bit further out? At least they'll be closer than not being there at all. This event could be the thing that turns your life around.

ISB x

[Moley]

I don't really know what to say fran. But you are a amazing lovely person you deserve so much better than him. I have every faith that you will do brill in this marathon.

could maybe just your mum come with you and stay in the same room with you?

wish I could have more suggestions to make it all better for you. Sending you some (((((((((((BIGHUGS)))))))))

[Elen]

Fran he really has done a number on you.

What we see in you is someone beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring and so much more, I know you won't believe it but that is how I think of you.

As for your marathon, they have to alert you to any problematic signs afterwards but you have been training hard for this so I am sure that you will have no problems. People believe in you because you have put so much effort into your preparation and you have the guts to keep pushing till you get to the end.

Its such a shame that you wont have anyone at the finish line but I would hope that the atmosphere on the day will help overcome this for you.

I think that your chat buddies are pretty good at seeing the real people behind the keyboard and we will all be rooting for you.

Chin up my lovely you can and will do this.

[franfhm]

Thanks all, you really are some of the kindest people I know :)

We did think about my Mum coming down with me - but we'd have to share a bed and my Dad keeps telling me that she always wakes him up all night long and I'm not the greatest of sleepers so we all decided that it wasn't the best idea.

I know when it's done, this marathon is going to be such as achievement and very likely a turning point in my life where I will start to feel better. It just seems so close yet so far away right now, and I've been training for months, so the nagging anxiety doubts are all starting to kick in xx

[franfhm]

A little update :)

I ONLY WENT AND BLOODY DID IT!!!!! I ran a marathon in 5 hours 27 minutes and 28 seconds. It was such hard work and I'm glad it's over - don't think I will be doing another in a hurry, but it's something to tick off the bucket list :)

[Fishmanpa]

A little update :)

I ONLY WENT AND BLOODY DID IT!!!!! I ran a marathon in 5 hours 27 minutes and 28 seconds. It was such hard work and I'm glad it's over - don't think I will be doing another in a hurry, but it's something to tick off the bucket list :)

:yesyes: Way to go! That's awesome! Thanks for updating us!

Positive thoughts

[Buster70]

Well done , I couldn't run to the shop without freaking out , you're on a roll so hopfully things will only get better from now on , take care