View Full Version : Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Hi,
I thought I'd start a thread on this as it's something that has come up recently for me, that I might be suffering from and there's very little about it on the forum elsewhere. Apparantly Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Depression, etc go hand in hand with this, so I guess there must be some others out there that have this too?
I had a PM from another person regarding my thread about the therapy I'm starting soon DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) which is used primarily to treat this. Not many people seem to know much about it, so I've been Googling... always a bad idea :blush: . It's quite a stigmatised, misunderstood and complicated condition so a bit scary.
I'm finding it a bit hard to accept that I might have this, but some of the symptoms I've read about seem to match up with me. At first my thoughts were "Nah, that can't be right" but the more I read about it, the more I think I could be. This is the MIND leaflet on it:
Understanding borderline personality disorder (http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+borderline+personality+disorder.htm)
I wonder if there are any other people that suffer from this that can shed any light on this condition?
Jim
Under~The~Stars
05-03-07, 17:12
Hi Jim,
Well done for starting this thread :)
As you know I've already spoken to you about this. I too may have BPD, and it is really scary. I will be seeing my therapist again in under 2 weeks so am going to ask more about it then. I think if you do have it, and find out more about it - it may make you feel a bit better about it as information can help.
I totally agree that there is loads of stigma attached to this condition, which isn't fair.
Just hang in there, and well done for making positive steps. Let us know how you get on with the DBT.
Take care and speak soon :)
:weep: Looks like it's just you and me Louise :weep:
Ahh well, at least we are not totaly alone. :)
Under~The~Stars
06-03-07, 22:26
Yeah Jim it looks like it :blush:
Oh well you're right - at least we're not totally alone :)
You hang in there - pm me anytime.
Take care :hugs:
xBettyBoopx
07-03-07, 01:17
Hi Jimbo and Louise
I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but I have looked at the symptoms in the past and I think I have it too. I did an online test and it came out that I had it. I am agoraphobic and cannot get to my doctor but I will try and speak to her over the telephone (we have phone consults here), I only live about 500 yards from the drs but I can't get there.
Anywhoooooo....................hope you're both ok:winks:
Take care
Elspeth
QueenVictoria
07-03-07, 02:58
i've thought that i have it, it's really weird.. lol
Under~The~Stars
07-03-07, 13:30
Hey Elspeth, Vic, and Jim,
Elspeth - I'm sorry to hear that you can't get to the doctors because of your agoraphobia. You should phone them, I think that's a good idea - even if it's just for a chat about how you are feeling. They may even be able to do a home visit. If you do phone let us know how you get on! :) Feel free to pm me anytime too.
Vic - If you think you might have it hun, then go see the doc. Can't remember if you told me if you were getting counselling? Pm me if you want to chat hun.
Jim how are doing today?
I'm ok-ish today, had my GP apt earlier which went ok. No major panics or anything so far today. My meds are slowly being increased and played around with atm, so I have to start taking yet another tablet in the evenings now. :emot-puke:
My DBT starts tomorrow and I'm very very anxious about it. :emot-eek: So I'm just chilling out and listening to some relaxing music. :cloud9: (wanted to use that smiley for ages!)
I've kinda been preparing myself for tomorrow by writing down my whole life story on Word so I have it clear in my head :madness: lol. So when we go through that whole initial part of therapy where the "so tell me about your life" question comes, I can be ready. A lot of bad stuff happened to me and I want to be prepared for talking about that without cracking up.
I think I'm gonna post it all here if I'm feeling brave enough. It's gonna be an epic post tho, lol!
Stay cool :shades:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
07-03-07, 14:20
Hi Jim,
Glad your GP appointment went ok. :)
I knew you were starting your DBT tomorrow - was going to post just one specific post saying good luck etc, but suppose I will just write it now lol. :)
Good Luck for tomorrow, and you will be fine. I know you will be nervous about it, but just keep telling yourself - it's yet another step forward, and they will probably just be explaining stuff to you, and asking you questions like you said. I think thats really good that you have written everything down about your life, as at least then you have it written down, and if it's too hard to say you can just show them the paper - thats what I always do lol :D It's better than missing things out, that you feel you can't talk about. But I'm sure once you get to know the therapist you will be able to talk about more. Just take it one step at a time.
It would be really brave of you to post it all here Jim, that is entirely up to you. I already have loads of respect for you, for mentioning BPD in the first place.
Onwards and upwards pal :) Starting the DBT is a step closer to where you want to be.
Take care - let us know how it goes!! :hugs:
This is a mammoth post... my entire life story... but here goes.
Some of this stuff I've only talked about with my counsellors and psych's, so I can't believe I'm posting it on a public forum! I find it highly embarrassing for me to tell people, but maybe it will help some other people understand a bit.
I guess first you have to know a bit about my life and how I grew up to understand why I might have this condition.
My childhood was very traumatic and in hindsight I think this is what has caused my problems now. One of the main influences in my early life was my father. My dad had a severe mental illness with psychopathic tendencies :S (Classed then as a major personality disorder) This resulted in some very traumatising and horrid experiences in my early life. Physical and mental abuse, threats of me being killed and threats of my family being killed, all as forms of manipulation to satisfy himself. I witnessed a lot of physical violence towards my mum and she probably physically had a worse time than me. I have two younger sisters who although they didn't get any physical violence from him they had a lot of mental torture. He often used threats of killing us as ways of manipulating mum. He always used to say my middle sister (J) was his favourite and he didn't love the rest of us. He used to do some very crazy things like he'd often pretend that he didn't know who any of us were and would lock us out of the house. The list of crazy things that happened is enormous, I could probably go on for pages! I guess the main feature was that, I was a fairly naughty kid, nothing abnormal or different from any normal kid of my age I think. But whenever I did anything wrong, I would get a serious beating and a lot of real bad stuff happened to me, way out of proportion and totally wrong. At the time, I didn’t know any different so I thought this was normal. I was totally scared by my dad and used to stay out of his way as much as possible.
My mum obviously wanted to get away from him but was terrified of what he might do if she left. He had gone through years of seeing psychiatrists while all this went on, but never believed there was anything wrong with him. He apparently used to wind up the psychiatrists and most of them gave up on him. As an example of some of the stuff he did, one particular psych he hated the most, he actually found out where he lived and left the carcass of a dead pig on his doorstep! Some utterly crazy stuff went on. Eventually he ended up sectioned after an incident at work, he was a dentist and became convinced he had killed one of his patients while under anaesthetic (he hadn't) which sent him into a complete breakdown. While he was hospitalised, the psych's advised my mum that this was the best time for her to try to get away from him and she should issue divorce papers and they would try to help him deal with it.
The divorce case went on for 3 years and various crazy stuff went on like restraining orders after assaults on my mum, break ins to the house and various stuff to freak the hell out of us. He actually changed his name to something crazy like ‘Irey Hedoscova’ saying he was the reincarnation of a dead russian KGB agent or something, and the courts had to address him as that throughout the case. Crazy legal system we have eh! The police were virtually no help and there was nothing they could do in terms of him being declared mentally dangerous as his condition at the time was described as a Personality Disorder and that meant he was in control of his actions. They did nothing about the physical stuff as that was just seen as domestic violence which the police do nothing about virtually.
This all went on till about the age of 16 for me, until he eventually left us alone. I guess you could say my childhood was a very bad time in my life. We still occasionally get the odd crazy stuff happen like my sister receiving a 'with sympathy' card for her 18th birthday and a xmas card last year addressed to my 2 sisters but not to me. It affected us all pretty badly, my youngest sister was luckily too young to realise what was going on and has turned out pretty much ok. J has ended up with fairly serious OCD but pretty much has it under control now.
I kinda went off the rails a bit while the divorce went on, started getting into drugs and doing everything under the sun and more. I was a fairly intelligent guy and did well in my GCSE's but college went totally wrong and ended up coming out with awful grades cause I never went to any lectures. I didn't go to uni, which I probably should have. Ended up unemployed for ages, smoking an unbelievable amount of pot over the years, doing acid, pills, speed, basically anything I could throw down my throat.
Eventually friends moved away and my life moved on, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (still don't) I ended up moving to Southampton and getting a job in the financial world. I hated it and never enjoyed my work life, eventually stopped all the drugs except for the occasional joint. Left one job because I found it too stressful but ended up in yet another job in finance that was probably worse.
All the time, I knew I wasn't right, I always felt like I was different from everyone else and that the person people saw on the outside was totally different to the me on the inside. People always say I come across as a very confident and self assured person, but inside I'm the total opposite. Very shy, withdrawn and always feel like if I allow people to get to know the real me inside and all the crazy stuff that happened to me, they would run a mile. I guess I have learned to ‘put on a brave face’ despite how I was felling inside. This has resulted in me never really being in any proper relationships, except for a few drunken one-night stands that I've totally regretted afterwards, I've never been in a proper relationship with someone who really understands me and I trust or love.
Things got worse over the years and I knew I was probably depressed and started to get scary thoughts of seriously hurting myself and ending it all. I kinda see my whole life as a complete disaster and that I've never achieved anything important, as though I took the wrong path and wasted it all away and the world wouldn’t miss me if I was gone. I was scared to tell anyone about this and rarely saw any doctors but certainly didn't talk to anyone about it. I just struggled on and just about coped with it. The occasional outlet of serious drinking binges and the occasional self harm, but nothing that caused any lasting scars or anything.
Then about 2 years ago or more, I think, the anxiety started, I've always been a very shy person and not been very outgoing, I have a few very good friends that know some of the stuff that went on in my life and I could semi-trust. But I'm not one of those people that has hundreds of friends that everyone is desperate to see. I started avoiding going out in social situations as I just felt out of place and uncomfortable the whole time, a bit like an outsider.
I started getting migraines, and when I had the first full on classic migraine, I went totally blind and that was the first full on panic attack I had. I thought I was having a stroke or brain tumour or something. I did go see a doc who just said yeah it's a migraine, nothing to worry about, just take paracetamol. But I didn't see the link between the headaches and panic, stress or depression in my life at the time.
In my most recent job, it's very stressful, I worked with millions of pounds of client's money and had a very high responsibility. I'm a total perfectionist and if I made a mistake no matter how small I would punish myself for months after and I just couldn't ever switch off from work. I would go home and spend the whole night not sleeping and worrying about what would happen the next day. This resulted in more migraines and panic attacks, but at the time I didn't realise that it was panic, I began to think I was going crazy. The pressure at work increased and I made more mistakes, which in turn made me worse. I got into some big arguments and kicked up massive stinks about stupid things and the way the company was run. This just added to my stress and depression. I began to have terrible sleeping problems, not sleeping for days at a time, which obviously caused my mental state to deteriorate. I started getting panicked about even going into work and had a lot of time off where I just made up excuses like I had a cold or was feeling sick and didn't go in.
All that kept building up and in hindsight I should have realised something would snap. Basically I had a week off cause of constant migraines and work forced me to go see my doc to get a sick note. He questioned about some of the reasons that I might be getting them and came across the stress thing, but I still didn’t talk about my depressive thoughts. He signed me off work for a week and asked me to come back again to have a better chat with him. I knew that all my work would be piling up waiting for me when I got back and It was then that everything came crashing down around me, I started to feel utterly suicidal, that I just couldn't cope with it any more and that I really would rather be dead than carry on living this terrible life I had created for myself. When I went back a week later I finally bit the bullet and confessed about how I was feeling and he asked a load of the typical depression questions which I answered yes to all of, and he said I was definitely depressed. I went away with a prescription for prozac…
That was when everything went totally haywire, I started on the prozac and ended up having a bad reaction to it. Rashes, sweating and in a state of constant panic 24/7. I didn't sleep in about 5 days, the whole time I was forcing myself to go to work. It was my birthday on the 11th July which was the full on worst birthday ever! The next day I was in work and just couldn't do anything, I had no concentration and I was in a total panic, I just sat at my desk staring at my screen all morning completely freaking out. I eventually, e-mailed my boss that I was having a panic attack and went home. Went back and saw another GP that afternoon who kinda said, yikes, the rashes and stuff probably mean you are allergic or having a bad reaction and stopped it straight away. It took about another week before the effects of it wore off.
I started trying to go back into work but I would either get on the bus and start freaking out and feeling paranoid that everyone knew or I wouldn't even get as far as the bus stop and turn back for home where I felt safe. Around then I started self harming more seriously, cutting a lot deeper and more regularly.
I haven't been back to work since and have been signed off since then. I started seeing a normal counsellor cause I didn’t have any clue what the heck was going on and why I was feeling like this. We went through all the stuff above about my childhood and I started to kinda see the link between what was happening now and all the stuff that happened then. I now sort of understand how all this had led up to what happened. A lot of the emotions I get now are similar to how I felt when I was a kid and I think the way I have learned to cope with stress in my life is not normal. But the whole counselling thing just made me worse. I spent the days constantly thinking about my past and feeling worse and worse. Eventually on an alcohol fuelled binge I took a load of sleeping tablets to just get away from it all. Nothing too bad happened, I didn’t go to hospital or anything, just ended up sleeping for about 24 hours and feeling like c**p for a few days afterwards but it scared the heck out of me and I told my GP, who I was seeing fairly regularly by that time. She at that point referred me to a psychiatrist and I started on Citalopram. He confirmed my GP’s diagnosis of Depression and also Panic Disorder, I got put on the waiting list for therapy, but it was long and would probably take months to get an apt.
My anxiety and panic just seemed to keep getting worse and worse and I’m a total agoraphobic now and panic whenever I am out of my house. Nothing much happened with the citalopram, just made my sleeping worse and my panic and anxiety slightly worse for a couple of weeks. They kept on increasing the dose up to 40mg but it just wasn’t doing anything in my opinion. So I switched to paroxetine, very similar happened with that, I worked up through the doses but it didn’t really help. So my psych decided I should switch to Venlafaxine recently. I thought I could just come off the paroxetine and would be fine the same as I did with the citalopram, but made a big mistake in reducing too quickly. I don’t think I’d realised that it was actually helping me with my depressive thinking and suicidal thoughts and it all returned big time within a week. I ended up taking a big overdose of sleeping tablets and ended up in hospital this time.
So here I am up till today! I’ve started the venlafaxine now and some of the depression seems to be easing I think, but the panic and anxiety is still there. I’m on a very low dose cause they have to increase it slowly, but I already have my doubts whether that will work either.
…well that’s my life story, not a great one really. But an epic post!
As for BPD, as mentioned earlier in this thread, the therapy I was referred to was called DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy), after finding out what it was I quickly discovered it’s primarily for BPD. I freaked out when I heard the words ‘personality disorder’ obviously after what I knew about my dad. Saw my psych who said he thought I was showing some of the symptoms of it, which is why he’d referred me.
I'll go through the common symptoms and how I think they fit me, perhaps how he made his diagnosis.
Self harm and repeated attempts of suicide;
A scary and difficult one for me to talk about, it's quite a private and embarrassing thing for me to share with other people. I have self harmed for a lot of my life, I can't really remember when it started but it's only recently that it became more severe, causing permanent scars from cutting. I guess I started it started as a kid as a form of attention seeking, I always had this wish to be injured and I longed to end up with a broken arm or leg or something so I would get some love and care from other people. This resulted in a lot of over exaggeration of small injuries and a lot of trips to A&E for bumps and bruises and lots of completely clear x-rays. But now, it’s definitely not for attention seeking in my eye’s, I constantly hide my cuts and don’t tell a lot of people about it. I still don’t know why I do it, I guess it’s the only way I know to deal with some of the terrible emotions I feel and is an outlet for them. It kinda somehow makes me feel better in the short term after I have done it.
Frantic efforts to avoid being alone, due to an intense fear of being abandoned;
This does sort of fit me, although I don’t have many people left who can abandon me. They say people with BPD will often get aggressive about being left alone. I’m definitely not like that, I’m a very placid and non aggressive person. I do like a lot of time on my own, but knowing there are other people in the house (my housemates) makes me feel a lot more comfortable for some reason.
Relationship problems where you may see the person you love as absolutely wonderful, able to do no wrong one moment, and then wholly bad the next;
This doesn’t really fit me, probably because I haven’t really been in any long term relationships. I guess I did kind of did go through this a lot with my mum and ended up in some horrible arguments with her for no reason, saying some awful hurtful things, but I do really love her and realised afterwards I never really meant any of them.
A very uncertain, shaky self-image or sense of self;
I do feel a bit like I’m different from everyone else and I don’t really know who I am sometimes. Hard to explain to someone, but I guess this does kinda describe me.
Two or more areas of your life where your behaviour could cause you harm and be seen as impulsive. Examples would be: spending money extravagantly and having huge debts, having unprotected sex, abusing drugs or alcohol, driving without due care, or binge-eating;
I don’t really fit this, except for the drug abuse earlier in my life and the self harm mentioned above.
You may have moods that are very difficult to come out of. For example, you may go through long periods (usually lasting a few hours) of extreme irritability, restlessness, unhappiness or anxiety;
This describes me perfectly, my mood swings around all the time. One minute I can be freaking out and panicking, the next I can be totally down and depressed, then extremely bored and empty, then the next life doesn’t seem so bad.
Terrible feelings of emptiness;
All my life I’ve felt like this. Never really knowing who I am and what I want to do with my life.
Anger that's inappropriate, intense or difficult to control. You may lose your temper a great deal, experience constant anger or be involved in physical fights. You may feel particularly angry when you think you're being criticised;
This is not really me. I did used to get very defensive about being criticised at work and it came up a few times in my reviews. I don’t think this is a major problem for me, anger is not something I have a problem with, I’m never lose my temper and am a very restrained and chilled out guy usually.
Periods of paranoia or feeling unreal when under stress. This might be accompanied by an almost complete lack of physical sensation. At difficult times, you may experience yourself as having more than one personality or feel you are in a trance-like state;
I do get very paranoid during panic attacks, especially that people know I’m panicking or anxious and feel that they are all looking at me. I do kind of feel numb a lot of the time and find myself going off into a trance where I just worry about everything and anything constantly. I do kinda feel like there is the me that I let people see on the outside and the scared and frightened me on the inside that people don't know about, not exactly two personalities tho.
Relationships come up a lot in the descriptions of BPD. The whole relationships side I don’t really have a lot of experience with as I’ve never really been in one, but I can see I could potentially end up in some sort of damaging relationship and be very upset and hurt if it ended. Probably why I'm not in one.
Well, that’s me… If you made it this far you deserve a gold star! Thanks for reading!!!
Jim
Yikes, did I actually just click submit. :S
Wow Jimbo you're one brave man. I really hope things get better for you. In the face of adversity you've come through.
Phew, thank goodness its gone onto a new page now. :blush:
Under~The~Stars
07-03-07, 15:43
Jim,
What a very brave post that was, and well done for being so honest - that must have been really tough for you, but you did it!
I'm so sorry that you had such a tough time in your childhood. I know it may not seem like it right now, but you have come through it all really well. There were times when you wanted to end your life, but you didn't, and that showed real courage. You have a lot of inner strength Jim, you may not see it right now - but it's that strength that is going to pull you through all of this.
Thankyou so much for writing about your life, I know it has certainly helped me and given me an insight into how you have been feeling etc - all I can say is how you thought and felt was very similar to me.
You know how you described about some of the symptoms of BPD that you have and others which you don't. Would it help if I did the same? Just to see where we are similar etc?
Jim, you are a very brave man - please keep fighting this fight as you can win! Just take small steps at a time.
You can pm me anytime you want, if you ever just need a chat or anything - I will always listen. Your not alone in any of this.
Well done again - bet you feel a little better now that you have said it, and it's not been to a doctor - in my eyes that's a good place to start. You have recognised it all, and learned a lot from it too. You will get there :)
A massive step forward for you will be tomorrow, and I wish you all the luck in the world - you keep fighting this! You can beat it!
(((((BIG HUG)))))
Thanks, it would be cool to hear about some of your experiences and symptoms. Don't feel you have to post, I know how hard it is to talk about these things and they are often complex and interweaving issues that can't be easily explained in a quick post.
I'm still not entirely sure / willing to accept it is BPD, but at least I'm open to posibly accepting it now. I still don't know a lot about it, all I'm going on is the stuff from MIND and google (sigh... i know!).
I feel like I'm ready for tomorrow, but still a bit scared. My printer is broke so I cant print any of it off, but I guess I'll just try to let things unfold naturally as they go with the therapist. I'm just taking one small step at a time. I don't want to go in there and start realing off pages of stuff, lol. I still have no idea what he's like, only seen his name on a letter so far.
You guys deserve ((((HUGS)))) for actually reading that epic, taking the time to reply and caring! Thanks for the encouragement for tomorrow. :hugs:
Cheers,
Jim
I've just copied and pasted this next bit from my therapy thread. I guess you know my story now and this was my therapists explanation of BPD:
He said basically there are 2 sides to everyone’s personality. A logical mind and an emotional mind, these 2 overlap and in the middle where you have the wise mind. Everyone has a balance of the two and some people are more emotional and some people are more logical, both types are totally normal.
BPD occurs when you get a person who is on the emotional side of the scale and who have had what they call an 'invalidating environment' while growing up, like not feeling loved, neglected, abused, etc. Because often the emotions they experienced were 'invalidated' or ignored, perhaps told they were wrong to experience them, like being told not to cry or not experiencing enough care and understanding of them when they were upset or not enough praise when they were happy. People with BPD learn to cope with emotions in the wrong way. This means that a person with BPD has a problem controlling their emotions and will often seem to move between extremes of the 2 personality types. Either experiencing intense and uncontrollable emotions like sadness and fear or numb and unable to experience other emotions like love or happiness.
He wasn't interested in hearing all the stuff from my past, the therapy is sposed to be focussing on the way I feel now rather than going back over all that stuff. But he would listen with a sympathetic ear if I wanted to talk about it.
It's not that I want people to feel sorry for me or get attention that I posted all that, just want people to understand what I think may have caused the problems I have now. I think I've pretty much got it all sorted out in my head as to why... but now I just have to work out how to sort it out... easier said than done. :P
Jim
Under~The~Stars
08-03-07, 18:11
Hey Jim,
Just wanted to say that I really appreciate you posting here about all of this.
I felt really alone before, but now I don't feel as alone. Thankyou for being so brave and honest.
Your right in what you say - you are beginning to understand why things are how they are , and now you need to find out how to change things for the better. You will get the tools, and support on how to change things from the DBT. But just remember that you don't have to do it all on your own. We are all here to support you. You can pm me anytime :)
:yesyes: Cheers Louise, that post made me feel really good! :cloud9: (ahh, my favourite smiley again)
:hugs:
Jim
skylight2007
08-03-07, 19:14
jim, hiya there, phew!!!!! I have just finished reading your post about your life, thank you for taking the time to share your story, you have said so much and have experienced so much, it just makes me think how amongst all the negative feelings and experineces you had, their is within you a certain strength. I understand about only showing the world what you want them to see, Our we really ugly inside, I dont think so Jim, its the feelings and experience that we hide because their is always that thought about what will others think of us and will they run a mile.
I have been thinking alot of this post regardine boarderline personality disorder and because of this I now wonder if mum suffered from this. I could never ever understand why she would never remove my violent father, the things he did and put us through , she just couldnt see the pain, this is idealisation I believe and the fear of being alone. There is alot for me to think about with your post, but really just wanted to say thanks for the courage to share your life and letting us into your private world. sincere wishes and hope your therapy goes well for you.
Love skylight
Thanks Skylight,
It makes for some difficult reading, your a star for actually gettiing to the end of it all and replying. I really hope it helps other people realise what this condition is. Apparantly it is more common than a lot of people realise. 2-3% of the population, from what I've read, and a much higher % of people who suffer from panic and anxiety disorders actually have this too.
It's not a widely recognised condition so probably a lot more people have it than is actually diagnosed.
I think the main indicator of it is having had the 'invalidating' childhood which causes the problems in handling your emotions. Staying in a difficult relationship isn't always because of BPD, I know my mum doesn't suffer from it, but she had real trouble leaving the relationship with my dad more because of fear of what might happen. In my case, I'm more fearful about getting into a relationship because of the fear of the emotions of getting hurt, if that makes sense?
Thanks again for reading,:hugs:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
08-03-07, 21:46
Awwww Jim, I'm glad what I wrote made you feel good - I meant every word hun :) And you got to use your fave smilie too! :D
I will pm you what I was going to pm you - the symptoms etc that I have. And we can chat more if you want to.
(((((HUGS)))))
Under~The~Stars
08-03-07, 21:48
Jim, now I feel good because I made you feel good LOL if that makes sense! :cloud9: (I stole your smilie sorry LOL) :D
Just thought I would share that with you :hugs:
skylight2007
08-03-07, 23:22
This means that a person with BPD has a problem controlling their emotions and will often seem to move between extremes of the 2 personality types. Either experiencing intense and uncontrollable emotions like sadness and fear or numb and unable to experience other emotions like love or happiness.
Hiya there Jim, I spent the evening thinking about your post especially the above, I agree I am finding it hard to understand BPD, but I cant stop thinking of my dad!!! I use to describe my father as a jekyll and hyde personality, now I understand violent and abusive men do swing from one extreme to the other, like he did, and my father well during his mood swings, he just seem to mix all his emotions , he just couldnt stand any laughter, any happiness, anything good, he just seemed to hate these emotions in his family, I use to find this extremly confusing, and the guilt of trying to feel normal just wasnt happening for myself and my brothers. He also had this concept which he would keep preaching, that the world outside was a human jungle, and we should never ever trust anyone on the outside, because from his point of view, you just couldnt trust anyone . Ironically in the home he was the abuser and we couldnt trust him. Everything about him was back to front, upside down.
Because of your post I am just exploring, and I dont know if my father had this condition, its hard to know, but its got me thinking!!!
He also suffered from depression and was a heavy heavy drinker, well I was brought up with an alcoholic father, that only made him worse, but he suffered abandonment and lost his mum when he was 9, I have tried to understand him and maybe he had this disorder who knows, but it might explain what you were saying, many people have it but never been diagnosed.
I hear what you were saying about getting hurt in relationships,, maybe that is something that may be explored in your therapy.
I am glad you started this post, and I am really trying to understand BPD, I just have this feeling this is what my dad had. Thanks Jim.
Love skylight.:hugs:
Hey Skylight,
Having an abusive father is horrible, I know, sorry you've had to deal with it too. :hugs:
It took me a lot of counselling and seeing my psychiatrist to find that I might be showing some of the traits of this disorder, so I'm be no means an expert on it... yet. :winks:
I think so called 'personality disorders' are so wide ranging and there are a lot of different types, but boil down to "A personality disorder may be diagnosed when it's felt that several areas of someone's personality are causing them or others problems in everyday life".
I guess it's just a 'label' that psychiatrists use to diagnose people who behave in socially or personally unacceptable ways, so your father could well fall into that sort of thing. I know my father was abusive, he was eventually diagnosed with a 'personality disorder' albeit more serious and totally different to mine.
The anger toward family members part of BPD comes from fear of abandonment or rejection. I'm not sure where the anger from your father came from so it might not necessarily be BPD but could perhaps be, and what you described to me sounds like some sort of 'personality disorder', especially the part where you talked about how he deals with emotions and how they could change suddenly.
Any sort of anger, except towards myself, is not really a symptom I have or has caused too many problems for me personally. I am the total opposite end of the scale, anger is an emotion I am pretty good at over controlling, for me being assertive when I should be is more of a problem.:blush:
This quote came from the bpd part of the US NIMH (National Institute Of Mental Health) Website (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm):
People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
For me, I would say this is not really a symptom I have, things like this have come up from time to time in the past for me. But I do have a lot of fears of abandonment, rejection and losing relationships. For me it doesn't normally come out as anger, thankfully, but it does cause me some intense and difficult to deal with emotions.
I think the whole relationships thing is going to dealt with in detail in the DBT I'm doing, which is great. Hopefully it will help me with the fears I have about that. :yesyes:
The most important thing for me, is dealing with the anxiety and panic disorder side of my condition. :shades:
Jim
Yikes, that came out a bit long and sounded a bit me, me, me. :blush:
I guess what I was trying to say was, your dad sounds like he does have some sort of personality disorder, but not neccassarily BPD.
To get better, he has to want to get better tho, and accept he has a problem, which is the hardest part.
Jim :hugs:
skylight2007
09-03-07, 10:08
:read: morning jim, I shall get back to you later!!! :yesyes: :byebye: iinteresting!!! you got my brains cells working overtime!!! love skylight
skylight2007
09-03-07, 10:13
Hey jim dont worry, what you said was just fine, it didnt sound, all me me me!!!:hugs: I understand the points your were making!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wrote about my controlling thoughts and feelings in my post, I spoke about my parents their, so maybe you could have a read. love skylight
Thanks Skylight,
I had a read through your post: "Controlling thoughts and feelings" (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=18297), you sound exactly like me in the way you grew up and the way you felt you were constantly struggling to control your emotions and feelings. Especially with your feeling 'hypersensitive', sleep problems, anxiety and panic attacks.
I think mishandling the way we control our emotions is the main part of BPD. It's described as a 'disorder of emotion regulation'.
You obviously made the link between what happened in your childhood and recognised this was what was causing you problems. It took me a long time to see this link myself. I knew I'd had a terrible childhood, but didn't see the link between that and how I'm feeling now. I just felt that all that was in the past and forgotten about, I didn't realise how much it had affected me.
I'm glad that you have come through it, you sounded like you were feeling much better now?
Jim :hugs:
skylight2007
09-03-07, 15:38
:hugs: Jim, thanks for reading that post , sounds familiar doesnt it.!!! and am I feeling better, you bet Jim its taken years, I think for some of us we never ever realise just how much of the past links with our anxieites today, I learned that when I was doing my writing therapy.
I do feel my father suffered from this Jim, on one hand he would tell me how much he loved my mother, and on the other hand he was violent. His fear was obviously based on mixed emotions, that love hate thing, good bad, etc...... his fears of abandoment and rejection, were totally confusing, he needed my mother for his own insecurities whilst at the same time, controlling her with fear an us, were for my mother she became totally dependant on him, losing all her confidence, because he insulted all her friends, who in turn never came back, he destroyed family occasions, such as birthdays, outings, and christmas. Any thing good he just destroyed our memories of what happiness could feel like.
I find the information you have written here fasinating, been a thinker, dont know if thats a good thing, but its certainly making me look back to how my father use to be.
What you mentioned Jim about overcontrolled anger!!!!!!!!!!!! now that rang a bell for me!!!
I witnessed so much violence and unacceptable behaviour , with the distorted perceptions from my dad, I had internalised my anger rather than acting it out like he did. I only ever witnessed anger as a destructive force, being acted out verbally and phyiscally. only when I began writing did I come appreciate anger in a healthy way, its ok to talk about strong emotions and still feel safe!!!!!!!!!! which is were I am at in my life now.
And of course my fathers anger was how everyone else was making him feel, everyone else was responsible for how he acted and behaved, even normal things Jim like I said , being happy, being sad, we made to feel guilty for being normal, because he couldnt comprehend between what was acceptable from what was not acceptable . hope that makes sense. All his emotions were distorted and muddled, sometimes I wonder how come I am sane!!! :D
I hope you continue to share how your coming along, I feel as if your gonna
be making more connections and moving forward in your therapy. Thanks so much for sharing Jim. This post is real eyeopener for me!!!! love skylight:hugs:
Aww, thanks, I'm glad it's been useful to you. I get to use my fav smiley again. :cloud9:
I will definately keep posting how things go. I've got my other thread (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=17242) on the DBT itself. I know it's gonna take a lot of work to learn to deal with this.
I've got a big test for my panic coming up this weekend (see my other post (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=18343)). So the anxiety side of me is getting on top of me a bit right now.:unsure:
It's inspirational how you managed to get through it and get your life back. I hope I can do the same. :D
Jim :hugs:
How you diong today Louise? Hope things are ok for you?
Jim :hugs:
skylight2007
09-03-07, 16:19
:hugs:Yes Jim this post is very interesting to me and it seems to put some things into perspective for me.
Thanks for the nice compliment hon, remember Jim as you heal and you begin to make more connections, you'll find a strength that you have now, only gets bigger, your whole understanding will change , this often happens very slow, and you will get your life back on track, and be the person you want to be.
Oh yeah about that test of yours, hahhaa, have replied to that and just think this a challenge of many, but just think about how you will feel when you come back here and tell us all about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:yesyes: The confidence is there and believe that everytime you change something, its safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! have a great time jimbo!!! love skylight. :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
09-03-07, 19:36
Hey Jim,
Sorry I haven't been in touch today - had a busy day with going to the doctors and stuff :weep: It didn't go very well today unfortunately.
How are you today? :hugs:
Haven't pm'd you yet, but you will already know that LOL, but I'm going to get started on it in just a minute or 2 :)
:hugs:
Bah, lost my post: Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage, blah, blah
...sigh, I think this was it:
I'm ok-ish, have meds on the mind today (lol) and anxious about my trip away this weekend.
I'm in a worry, worry and more worry mood tonight for some reason. :(
My depression is talking and I wish I could just sleep through the rest of today so I don't have to deal with it. :weep:
Jim
What happened at the doctors? Hope it wasn't too bad. :hugs:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
09-03-07, 21:19
Hey Jim,
Are you going away this weekend?
I imagine you will be feeling really nervous about it, but try not to, just go and do it and have a great time! (easier said than done) :) And imagine how good you will feel after it as it will be a huge achievement. And also, the thought will be worse than the actual thing :)
The GP said today that she thinks I maybe have got BPD as am definitely showing a lot of the symptoms. She said to speak to my therapist about it when I see him next week, as he knows more about it than she does. So, wasn't feeling too great about that, as there was still a part of me thinking that maybe I didn't have it. However, it's looking more like I do. My GP had never heard of DBT :weep:
I pm'd you. Speak soon :hugs:
Hey, thanks for the pm, :winks:
Replied to your pm before I read this,
Don't worry about your GP, mine knew nothing about DBT either, most people I've ever spoken to about it have never heard of it. Maybe your therapist can help, if not try to get referred to see a proper psychiatrist. I know that sounds a bit scary, and mine is, lol. But they can definately diagnose you and get you the proper therapy. I think there are other types of therapy for BPD not just DBT. It could just be that in my area that's what's most easily available. I'll try and find out about some and post anything I can find here.
I'm determined to go away this weekend, so I'm going to try to go for it. I know it's going to be very hard work tho. I'm trying not to think about it at the moment, I'm not going till sunday.
Feeling a bit better right now, I realised I was hungry so I made some comfort food, which is helping. :)
Jim
I had a quick google, (:lac: I know!). There's lots of stuff ofc, but I still find the MIND information leaflet (http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+borderline+personality+disorder.htm) about BPD the most useful and trustworthy.
Here's the part about treatment:
What sort of treatment can I get?
Talking treatments
Psychotherapy is a relatively long-term talking treatment that aims to find the roots of present feelings and behaviour in your childhood. The relationship you have with the therapist is seen as an important reflection of your past and present relationships. Exploring this relationship can help to break unhelpful patterns of behaviour. The in-depth nature of psychotherapy can make it particularly appropriate for those diagnosed with BPD.
Some forms of counselling are quite similar to psychotherapy. Psychodynamic counselling, for example, places great emphasis on childhood experience. (See Further reading and Useful organisations, further down, for sources of more information.)
Cognitive behaviour therapy is a more short-term treatment that aims to tackle practical, everyday difficulties with problem-solving techniques. It works towards identifying negative thinking patterns and replacing them with more positive ones.
New therapies have been developed which combine elements of cognitive therapy and psychotherapy. These therapies, for example dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) and cognitive analytical therapy (CAT), have been found to be particularly useful for people diagnosed with BPD.
People often have high expectations when they enter a talking treatment. It's worth bearing in mind that therapists aren't miracle-workers and that change can take time. If you find it painful to be separated from others, you might want to think about how you will manage breaks in the therapy early on. You could ask when the breaks will occur so that you can look at how you will cope beforehand. There may be times when you think your therapist is wonderful and times when you may hate him or her. It may help you to express these feelings, so that you can look at them together. If you are interested in pursuing a talking treatment, you could talk to your GP about seeing someone through the NHS, or getting treatment subsidised.
Therapeutic communities
The NHS runs some inpatient therapeutic communities that specialise in treating clients with personality disorders. (See Useful organisations, further down) In a therapeutic community, staff and residents share responsibility for tasks and decisions. If you decide to go to into a therapeutic community, you will need to be prepared to talk about your life with others before the group decides whether to give you a place. This can be hard, especially if it's the first time you have talked in front of a group in this way. Once part of the community, you would be encouraged to talk about your feelings about others' behaviour in group discussions. This may seem difficult at first but it can be very beneficial. It may give you the opportunity to see how others react to you and what you say. You can then think about what you like and what you want to change about yourself. Some, but not all communities may offer you individual therapy and, possibly, medication.
Alternative therapies
There are a whole range of alternative therapies, which some people find useful, from acupuncture to yoga. (See Further reading.)
It goes on to talk about medication etc. I would recomend having a read through the whole leaflet if you are suffering from this, or any of the symptoms, there's so much useful information in there:
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+borderline+personality+disorder.htm
Jim
skylight2007
18-03-07, 12:25
:hugs: Morning Jimbo, hope your well !! I know you've started your therapy, but I was doing some reading last night , I just thought I'd let you know that on the LINKS on the right under misc there is a website http://www.bpdworld.org its all about borderline personality disorder, I browsed through it and it looks very informative, with helplines and forum!!! I found the information very interesting hope you do too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:hugs:Sky
Thanks for that Sky,
I've had a quick flick through. It's a very imformative site, lots of useful stuff on there. I'd definately recomend that site to people to have a look at to better understand BPD.
I've been looking for a signature for my posts, I might steal one of their quotes. :)
I'd feel a bit of a deserter posting on their forums tho :blush: . Couldn't leave all the good people on NMP :hugs:
I'm having a bit of a tough time at the moment, but getting through it somehow. Been self harming again :mad: and getting myself worked up into a right state. Feeling ok at the moment tho, just taking each day/hour as it comes. :)
Jim :hugs:
Yay, got my new signature. :D
skylight2007
18-03-07, 13:40
:hugs: Hey Jim, you won't be deserting ANYONE!!! hahah, remember that site on the links pages, is just another support for ya!!! We know your not going any where, hope not!!! , but I do feel it will help you ALSO!!!!
hmmmmmm now whats this about self harming?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I understand how hard things can be, but may not fully appreciate how you may be feeling at times, god knows understanding our feelings can be hard!!!!!perhaps you could ring those people and have a chat to someone on their helpline, just a thought mate!!!
I think your right, take one day at a time eh!!! please take care of you ok!!!!!!!
Love sky:hugs:
skylight2007
18-03-07, 13:43
:yesyes: Yep, that says it all doesn't it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!:hugs:
perhaps you could ring those people and have a chat to someone on their helpline, just a thought mate!!!
I have so many helplines and stuff to call, but it's so hard when you're feeling like that. The last thing I feel like doing is phoning someone.
I think the secret for me is to speak to someone before I get too far into that state of mind, but that's hard too.
I shouldn't really post about that sort of stuff, it only scares people and 'I'm told' it reinforces the behaviour when people respond to it in the wrong way. I feel ashamed about it, I wish I didn't do it.
I could go into some massive explanation now of why I think it happens, but I think it's better to just put it behind me and move on, otherwise I end up worrying about worrying about it.:wacko:
(Changed the signature twice before I settled on that 1, lol)
Jim
Well I have been diagnosed with BPD and I hate it!!!!a lot...oh I have to go and when I come back we'll talk more about it.I am soooo glad to read a thread about this because with this condition I feel terribly lonely!
Pretzel
You are not alone Pretzel, :hugs:
Some of the other people who have posted on this thread have it too. It sucks doesn't it, it's taken me ages to come to terms with the fact I have it, or at least some of the traits of it. :sad:
Glad you found it, we are all trying to help and support each other.
Would be good to know how you're getting on with it and maybe some of our other posts might help. I've got my other thread (here) (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=17242) where I'm posting about the therapy (DBT) I'm getting, which might help you a bit.
When were you diagnosed, are you getting any treatment for it too?
Jim
I have been diagnosed officially in 2002 they had been talking about it earlier.I still don't think I am totally all they say to be a BPD but I too have some traits I guess.Last year I was in intense 6 months therapy for it (DBT) and it actually helped but I don't think it can ever go away and it my case it gets all tangled up with the anxiety and panic,also depression and I don't know what is what anymore but one things for sure I have trouble keeping my friends but no trouble making them and I feel like I am constantly being abandonned.I just moved in a new city wich threw me rigth off the balance but I am now seeing a psychiatrist for the first time since 2002 for meds...we'll see they were never before able to find a med for me so I'll be suprised if they do now.I have to keep hoping....ah somehow...because I get terribly hopeless,alone and suicidal.The worst is looking at me you never tell I have anything psychologically wrong with me so people draw easely to me but...draws away as fast.I think I should learn how to handle my relationships.Ok I go on and on this is it...just so good to vent.Thanks for listening....Pretzel
Hey thanks, don't worry about 'going on and on', have a scroll back a few pages and read some of my epics. :blush:
I'm kinda at the start of all this, It's only been recognised in the last 5-6 months that I have the BPD traits on top of all my other problems. I'm just starting the DBT therapy, will be for a minimum of 6 months. I'm trying to stay positive that it will help, but it is hard.
I too get all tangled up with the depression, panic and anxiety disorders I have, which makes everything harder. I've been having a particularily hard time with the depression and self destructive thoughts recently. The lonelyness gets to me too, as I'm totally agoraphobic now, it makes it virtually impossible to go out and meet people.
I've pretty much lost my job and my life has totally gone down the tube over the last year or so. I even have trouble getting into relationships, let alone losing them.:blush: I've lost a lot of friends, but thankfully I have a few true friends who have stuck by me no matter what.
I've been going through different meds and have yet to find something that completely cures the depression and anxiety. I went through Prozac, Citalopram, Seroxat and now Effexor. Will be upping the dose next week and also starting antipsychotics, so will let you all know how that goes.
Good to have another fellow sufferer here, we are not so alone now. :hugs: All we can do is keep hoping and trying to stay positive I guess. :)
Let us know how things get on with your psychiatrist.
Jim
Under~The~Stars
18-03-07, 19:25
Pretzel (((((HUGS)))))
You are definitely not alone with this :hugs:
I agree - it's tough, however just try and keep your chin up, no matter how hard it is at times, things change - don't give up the fight :winks:
We are all trying to help each other. I hope it's good to know your not the only one suffering with this?
Things will get better for you :hugs: This is what you are like at this moment in time, however, it won't always be like this. I have problems with relationships too.
Take care :)
Under~The~Stars
18-03-07, 19:28
Jim :hugs:
Just wanted to let you know that I think your a star - your coping with all this very well :hugs:
I've pm'd you too obviously but just wanted to let you know on here :D
You have loads of courage and inner strength - keep fighting mate! :hugs:
Thanks Lou, :hugs:
I'm trying, it's hard work and have my bad days and good days. Just have to keep plodding on I guess and enjoy the good times when I have them.
Jim
Under~The~Stars
18-03-07, 20:06
No problem pal, just you hang in there :hugs:
I know you're trying, and because you are you will benefit from all of this.
I really think this whole thing makes us stronger people :hugs:
The bad days will get less and less if you keep fighting this :winks:
Oh Jim I forgot to mention..I have been a self mutalater since I was 13 with the cutting and that can be very addictive and hard to control so don't feel bad but I have been able to get it somewhat under control in the last few years and espacially since the therapy.I know you will find it beneficial.
Thanks,
I'm the same, I've been doing it to some extent as long as I can remember. It's only over the last year it's become more serious for me. It's also included a couple of overdoses. It's so frustrating that it happens, I just can't seem to control it or stop myself sometimes. I've had long periods where I've been able to stop, but it seems to keep coming back with a vengance. It's one of the most upsetting things for me. I scare myself at what I do sometimes. It's my primary goal in my therapy to be able to stop.
I'm glad you've managed to at least get it under control. Hopefully the therapy will help me too. :emot-pray:
Jim :hugs:
It will but you will have to let it help you and a LOT of work!!!!You can do it don't get discouraged...Pretzel
I know it is gonna take a lot of work, I really want to get myself sorted out and get some sort of 'normal' life. I'm determined to at least give it a go, even though I have my fears / doubts about whether it can actually help.
It's still early days with the therapy, I'm only doing the initial assesment sessions right now, start the proper group stuff in April. I sometimes have fears that I wont be able to cope with it. The group sessions worry me most, I'm not good at talking about my emotions face to face, particularily with lots of other people. But I'm going to try my best.
Jim
Under~The~Stars
19-03-07, 11:29
Jim :hugs:
How are you doing today?
It will take a lot of work to get better, but no-one ever said it would be easy :winks:
You are determined to give it a go - thats great :yesyes: You can at least try it, as it's better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all :winks: (not that you will fail - it's just a saying LOL :D ) You will benefit from it :hugs:
Try your best with it mate, no-one can ask for more, and just be true to yourself, you can get there! :yesyes:
I'm ok-ish today... I think... :shrug:
Went back to bed after getting up really early and was having one of my super long lie in's till my e-mail beeped. :blush:
A little worried about the doc's tomorrow. Got a lot to talk about.:wacko: So I'm feeling a bit shakey right now thinking about it.
Jim :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
19-03-07, 12:37
It's good that you are seeing your doctor tomorrow :)
I totally understand you feeling shakey and anxious etc thinking about it, been there so many times! :blush:
You just have to take the whole thing one step at a time. There is loads to talk about, however, instead of getting it all muddled up with what you are going to say, then why not write it down?
Try and distract yourself as much as possible today - go and put a good film on or something :yesyes:
I will probably speak to you before tomorrow, however if I don't then let me know how it goes tomorrow, and good luck, you will be fine. Your doing well by asking for help, and discussing these issues. These are all steps forward :yesyes:
Thinking of you mate :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
19-03-07, 12:38
Sorry if I woke you up this morning!! :blush:
No problem, it wasn't exactly morning so I needed to get up. :blush:
I am going to write some of it down, then I don't have to worry about it so much today.
Jim :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
19-03-07, 12:57
Good for you Jim! :yesyes: It will definitely feel like there is less pressure if you write some of it down :winks: After you write some of it down give yourself a treat, and relax as that's a positive step. Tomorrow is going to come whether you worry or not - so why worry? :winks:
I started writing my journal the other day - it's tough being honest in it about things as I know it's not only for my eyes, but I have been very honest, maybe a little too honest :shrug: , but thats a step forward for me. I need to accept things in order to be able to move on, and by being honest with myself and my therapist - that can only be good right? :)
I feel bad about waking you up, sorry :blush: You've been having trouble sleeping recently and then I go and wake you up! :doh: :blush:
It's done, written down and ready for tomrrow. I am feeling a little better now I guess. :)
Glad you are doing your journal, even though it's not just for your eyes, it's only your therapist that's going to see it. It is good you are being honest, well done. :yesyes:
Don't feel bad about waking me up, :winks: It wasn't just you, someone else posted on another of my threads at the same time. I think half the problem is my sleep pattern is all over the place so getting up at 11:30 is good, I'll probably sleep better tonight now. :)
Jim :hugs:
skylight2007
19-03-07, 13:22
:hugs: Jimbo and louise!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as a great believer in writing down how we feel, I think its just great that your both doing this. Louise its a very hard thing for anyone to be honest about themselves, but that to me is the first step to ACCEPTANCE, and acknowleding you have feelings that need to be explored within yourself. I am really proud of both you, so I really wish you both so much love and luck in your healing journey, big time. :yesyes: :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
19-03-07, 14:12
Jim :hugs:
Well done you for writing it down! Your a star! :yesyes: I'm proud of you mate :winks: Glad your feeling a bit better :hugs:
You better be relaxing now mr!! :okay:
I felt better after writing in my journal too :winks:
I hope you sleep well tonight, and I will try not to wake you up again LOL :winks:
Under~The~Stars
19-03-07, 14:17
Hey Skylight :hugs:
I too believe it really helps to write things down :winks:
That is exactly what I'm trying to do Sky, accept who I am, so that I can move on :blush: It's definitely not easy, but no-one said it would be. Just have to take things one step at a time.
That was really nice of you to reply on here Sky, thanks for your kind words and encouragement, much appreciated :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
20-03-07, 11:41
Good luck with the doctors appointment today :winks:
It will be fine :hugs: Just take what you had written down yesterday and discuss it - you will feel much better after you get it off your chest :hugs:
Let me know how it goes, will be thinking about you :hugs:
I went earlier, it was ok, was still very anxious as normal.
I took the notes and did use them a bit. Talked about everything I wanted to.
Took my BP, which meant showing my arms :sad: :lac: , it was high 154/90. First time I've ever had high BP, it's normally low, she put it down to anxiety at the time.
Increased my meds and is going to talk to my psychiatrist about adding antipsychotics to the mix and phone me back. I was a bit against taking the ones that she'd suggested and wanted a new one that's not been around long (probably costs the NHS a fortune, lol). She doesn't often prescribe it so she wanted to discuss with the psychiatrist.
I've also had this worry about being addicted to paracetamol and codeine, which she thinks I am. :mad: So have to try reducing them very slowly.
She put my mind at rest about some of the stuff that was worrying me at least. :hugs:
I'm so glad I have an understanding GP who actually listens to me. :)
Jim
Under~The~Stars
20-03-07, 14:31
Well done for going and taking your notes, and talking about the things you needed to talk about :yesyes: Thats really positive, and a big step forward :yesyes:
You were anxious about the appointment, but you worked through the anxiety - big achievement :winks:
Try not to worry too much about your BP, I got mines taken a few weeks go, and my BP was high too. My GP said it was down to me being anxious aswell :wacko: Did she mention your arms? I was quite bad the last time I got my BP done and refused to lift my sleeve - luckily I had long sleeves on that were quite thin material, and she still managed to take my BP :blush:
Let me know what she says about your meds?
Well done for mentioning about the paracetamol and codeine, at least now she can try and help you cut down etc slowly :hugs:
I have an understanding GP too, it really helps :hugs:
How do you feel now that your back and you managed to go etc, and spoke about lots of stuff that you needed to speak about? :hugs:
I feel ok about it right now. It wasn't as bad as expected.
Bit distracted because I feel a bit weird from increasing the meds. Bit dizzy :emot-puke: and feeling a bit 'odd' (and there's me going off on one trying to defend Seroxat side effects on another thread, lol:blush:).
She had already asked if I had been harming so, although there was a big pause when she said she needed my arm for taking my BP, she didn't say anything about it. I had a thick jumper on so there was no getting out of it. She's seen it many times before, I had to show my arms every time I went for weeks at one point. :mad:
No phone call yet, but she said it would probably be tomorrow, providing she can get hold of the psychiatrist.
Bit anoyed about the codeine, It was the last thing out of all the meds I'm taking that I thought would become a problem. :mad:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
20-03-07, 15:35
I'm glad you feel ok about the appointment, as it never is as bad as we expect is it? :hugs:
Just give the meds some time, you'll feel better soon I'm sure :hugs:
It's good that your GP knows all about the self harming, and she obviously is very understanding about it, which is good :)
Let me know what is said about your meds when you get the phonecall - whenever that may be.
Don't be annoyed with yourself about the codeine, it's amazing how easily we can become addicted to things :blush: At least you will get help with it now :hugs:
I did something very stupid at the psychologist appointment this morning, I think I might have got myself into a bit of trouble :lac:
I did something very stupid at the psychologist appointment this morning, I think I might have got myself into a bit of trouble :lac:
:noangel: What did you do then? :lac: PM me if needed. :secret: I'm sure it can't have been too bad?
Woa, I'm feeling odd right now. Feels a bit like I'm at the bottom of a swimming pool looking up and everything is a bit wobbly and dizzy so it might take me a while to reply:wacko:... lol
Jim :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
20-03-07, 17:53
Woa, I'm feeling odd right now. Feels a bit like I'm at the bottom of a swimming pool looking up and everything is a bit wobbly and dizzy so it might take me a while to reply:wacko:... lol
Jim :hugs:
How are you feeling now? :hugs: Try not to worry, it will just be your meds kicking in - the side effects will get better I'm sure :hugs:
I will pm me you what I did this morning :wacko:
Yeah, it's just the side effects. Just feeling a bit weird, seems to come and go. It's making me a bit anxious at times.
It's only day1 at this dose so I guess it can only be expected.
Jim
Under~The~Stars
20-03-07, 18:25
Try to distract yourself if you can, and give the meds some time. As you say it's only the first day of it being a higher dose, so it's to be expected :hugs:
Still feeling a bit weird, but not as bad as yesterday.
My doc phoned earlier and can't get hold of my psychiatrist so she cannot prescribe the tablets I wanted to try. :lac:
She caught me in the middle of an afternoon nap, so without really thinking I agreed to try one of the others she talked about.
Went down to the chemist to get the prescription and started having a big panic while sitting waiting. :weep:
Really anxious about trying these now, as the most common side effects are sposed to be anxiety, agitation and insomnia. :wacko: Just what I'm sposed to be avoiding. :lac:
I've taken one a little bit earlier, so I guess I will find out in a bit. :huh:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
21-03-07, 15:10
I'm glad you're not feeling as bad as yesterday :hugs:
Don't worry too much about the tablets, just give them a try and see if they help. You can always try other ones later on, once you see your psychiatrist again. Or even speak to your GP. When do you see your psychiatrist again?
But do you know why you panicked while sitting waiting for the prescription? If you know why - then that's a good thing. It could have been because you were wary about trying them, or wary as those weren't the ones you wanted to try?
Well nothing bad has hapened yet. Nothing noticeable at all tbh, still feeling a bit anxious and shakey from the incident at the chemist. I definately don't feel any calmer.:lac:
I don't know why I panicked. Maybe it could be because I was worrying about the tablets, but I went into a full on 10/10 on the richter scale. I very nearly ran for it for some air at one point. It seemed to take forever for them to make up the prescription, I just wanted them to hurry up so I could get out of there as fast as possible. It was virtually empty in there and the assistants were mainly just stood around doing nothing. I just had this intense feeling of paranoia, like they were all looking at me and I was about to pass out or something awful was going to happen to me at any second. :wacko:
Now I just feel stupid for panicking over nothing, and anoyed with myself for not being more assertive on the phone to her about my worries. :weep: I don't know how I ended up saying yes to these ones, they were the bottom of my list out of the ones I wanted to try. She's not back till friday, so I'll have to wait till then if I need to speak to her. :nonono:
Under~The~Stars
21-03-07, 16:11
(((((BIG HUG)))))
Don't feel stupid about panicking hun, it happens to us all :hugs: It will take a while for you to feel less anxious as that's what the panic does, but it will wear off :hugs:
Don't worry about your GP, or about the tablets. Speak to your therapist about how you feel about it all, and see what they say? Just give the tablets a shot, as they wouldn't have prescribed them if they didn't think they would help :) Then, when your GP gets back on Friday if you feel you want to discuss it with her then do.
Thanks for the hug, I needed it. :winks:
Things just got much worse, I just had an e-mail from work. :wacko:
I've been off for 8 months now, they want to have a meeting with me to discuss 'how we can move forward from here'.:unsure:
Seriously scared now. :weep:
Under~The~Stars
21-03-07, 16:33
Here have another (((((HUG)))))
Don't worry about work, they will just have to see what's happening and what is best for you. When is the meeting?
I was at college, and the same thing happened to me. They got in touch with me to see what was best to do about things. In the end I ended up leaving as I knew that was the best thing for me to do at that time. I can always go back and do the course at another time, when I am more able to complete it.
I'm not sure what the meeting will involve, however, don't look at it as being a bad thing. Just explain things to them, you don't have to go into lots of detail about it :hugs: Don't think about it too much, just see what they have to say :)
Not sure when the meetings gonna be, I mailed them back saying I wasn't sure if I was well enough for it and would get back to them about it. :huh:
I know I definitely can't go back to work right now, and I'm not sure it would be healthy for me to go back to that job at all. They'll probably dismiss me eventually for 'capability' reasons, but at least I can just about survive on benefits for now.
I'll have a chat about it with the therapist tomorrow and see what he thinks about it all.
The tablets didn't help at all, made me feel worse, mega anxious for a few hours and had a pounding headache. :sad: Gonna try 1 more tomorrow and if that doesn't help I'm gonna give up on them and maybe think about trying something else.
Under~The~Stars
21-03-07, 23:47
I think it's good that you emailed them back saying you weren't ready for a meeting, as you have done what you have felt was right for you :hugs: Don't be put under any pressure, just see how you feel :hugs:
If you don't think that job is very helpful then it's good you recognise that, and when you're ready you can do something about it. There is no pressure on you to go back to work just now. You will know when the right time is :)
Sorry about the tablets, well done for giving them a shot though, and speak to your GP if they're not helping :hugs:
Good Luck with your appointment with your therapist tomorrow, discuss things with him. Let me know how it goes? Will be thinking about you :hugs:
Hope you sleep well :hugs:
Thanks,
Have a (((HUG))) back from earlier. :hugs:
I don't think I'm gonna be getting a wink of sleep tho tonight. :wacko: I think it's those tablets. :lac:
The whole work thing is a bit of a mare, so much has gone on there, me not being honest about how I feel about the job, saying I do want to go back when I'm not sure I do, lots of aggro between me and the HR team.
From their point of view they want to get rid of me, cause it's been going on so long. From my point of view I'm not well enough to go back, I would panic even going near there. I feel so mixed up about it, I hated the job, it was very stressful and I couldn't cope with it, but maybe I'm just thinking that because I'm ill?
I just don't know what to do about it, I'll feel like a failure if I lose my job and the thought of going back makes me feel anxious even thinking about it.
I just feel confused about the whole thing and it's really got me worked up into a state before. I haven't heard anything from them for a while so I'd not thought about it for ages. Now they've suddenly said they want a meeting, I'm freaking.
Urgh, I hate it all, why does this have to happen to me?:wacko:
Under~The~Stars
22-03-07, 00:51
Thanks for the hug, I needed it :hugs:
If you can't sleep then do something to take your mind off it i.e. read or watch tv or listen to music or something - you never know those things might make you tired! :)
Try not to think about your work tonight - talk to your therapist about it tomorrow. Things will work out for you. If it's not the right job for you, you will know that, and there are plenty more to choose from when your ready. But don't go rushing back before you're ready :)
Good Luck for tomorrow, let me know how you get on mate, will be thinking about you :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
22-03-07, 10:44
Morning Jim (((((HUGS)))))
Just wanted to wish you luck for today, hope it goes ok :hugs:
Speak to you later :)
Thanks, :hugs:
Just can't seem to pull myself together today. Feeling serously distracted and have so many thoughts wizzing around. Was seriously thinking about not going and making up an excuse earlier.:lac:
I'm not looking forward to it. :weep:
Gonna have to force myself to go tho.
Jim
Under~The~Stars
22-03-07, 11:23
Awwww hun :hugs:
Write down the thoughts that you have, and let him see them.
Definitely best to go, but give yourself options. Sometimes, it's good if you are finding it really difficult to go and do something, if you say to yourself "right, I'll walk to wherever it is I'm going, then see how I feel when I get there - I don't need to go if I don't want to", then when you get there - do the same thing - "I'll go in and sit, and don't have to go in if I don't want to", keep doing that, it's just a way of not putting any pressure on yourself. The times when I have done it, it has worked. I did it for my college interview etc, and I managed to go through with it as I didn't put any pressure on myself. And I was determined to go through with it, as I would have felt before if I went, rather than if I didn't. I ended up getting chosen to do a higher course than I had applied for, so it was worthwhile! You will get something good out of your appointment too.
Let me know how it goes :hugs:
Well I went, It went ok I guess. Was feeling very unreal, shakey and emotional.
I did talk a bit about work, but he just encouraged me to think about what I want to do, rather than offering advice.
He said the therapy is going to be very much about focusing on my problems rather than ruminating on what's worrying me at the time. The idea is to learn to use the skills so I can deal with these worries myself. It's not going to involve any talking type counselling.
I ended up getting all upset and nearly crying at one point when we were talking about life goals.:weep: It was so hard to think about what I actually want out of life.
It's all a bit mad this therapy stuff, I'm a bit worried what I'm letting myself in for. I'm going to have to do 'stuff', I can't just relax and do nothing! :mad:
I now have a break until middle of april before it actually starts, so I won't get to see anyone till then. :huh:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
22-03-07, 16:09
Firstly, well done for going :yesyes:
I always try and get people to make my decisions for me about important stuff, and always get told that too - "what do I want to do?" But then he's right - it is completely up to you. You can discuss it with people etc, but in the end it's your decision, and thats a good thing, as then your doing the right thing for you :winks: Just take your time, and think about it and don't make any quick decisions.
About what he said regarding the therapy focussing on your problems, rather than ruminating on what's worrying you at the time, that is exactly what my psychologist said to me with the CBT. I didn't discuss very much with my psychologist, and he was always only focussing on the anxiety and panic attacks, no matter what I was trying to tell him, he always went back to that. I kept thinking he was being ignorant LOL!! But looking back on it now - my goal was to help my anxiety, and if he had wandered off that track and talked about what I wanted to talk about then we wouldn't have got very far LOL, as it would have changed every week :D So that's not a bad thing - he's focusing on one thing, and if he can give you the skills to help that then that's great! Then, other things may get better for you if you can sort that out, and it's a big step forward :)
Aw hun, I know it's hard to think up goals at times, but these are just things for you to work towards i.e. go back to work etc. I find that really hard too, but there is always something, you just can't see it right now. Give yourself time :hugs:
The therapy will be a scary thought, but it's worth doing it! Just keep telling yourself that and things will be ok. Just give it a shot and you can only benefit from it :)
What do you mean by do "stuff"?
The middle of April isn't far away hun, and you have your GP, and you have us :hugs: How do you feel about not seeing anyone until then?
What do you mean by do "stuff"?
The middle of April isn't far away hun, and you have your GP, and you have us :hugs: How do you feel about not seeing anyone until then?
Stuff as in, he wanted me to join a music group and perhaps do voluntary work if I'm not going back to work. :ohmy:
I'm feeling a bit alone I guess with no one to talk to. :weep:
I know it's gonna be hard, I'm just feeling a bit out of my depth with it all. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do it, really anxious about it all.
I'm stopping those new tablets today, as they are making me feel much worse. I think that's probably contributing to the way I'm feeling.
Jim
Under~The~Stars
22-03-07, 19:51
I think a hug is needed here, so have a (((((MASSIVE HUG))))) :hugs:
That's not a bad idea about trying voluntary work or something, maybe not just now if you don't feel ready, but it's certainly something to think about, and it will gradually get you used to "working" again, without being under pressure. What do you think about it?
Don't you dare feel like your alone mr!! As your not!! You have us!! :winks: We are here for you 100%. Also, your going to stay with your mum this weekend aren't you? So that's something to look forward to, and you won't be on your own. Maybe you should consider the counselling again? Or even speak to your GP and see what she thinks, as it sounds a bit strange that you won't be seeing anyone until April.
Ther tablets will probably be having an effect on your mood today hun, if your stopping them. Try to distract yourself. Do you have any plans for tomorrow? If not then even set yourself one goal for tomorrow, try your best to do it, and you will feel better. Have an early night tonight, put a film on that you like and watch it (watch something that will make you laugh). I am going to have to go just now, however, I will try and get back on later. If I can't then I will defo catch up with you tomorrow, either on here or msn or both!
Keep your chin up, things will be fine, just distract yourself, let time do some work for a change :hugs: Time is a great healer, and your not on your own! We're here every step of the way :)
skylight2007
22-03-07, 20:02
I know it's gonna be hard, I'm just feeling a bit out of my depth with it all. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do it, really anxious about it all.
I'm stopping those new tablets today, as they are making me feel much worse. I think that's probably contributing to the way I'm feeling.
Jim
Hey there Jimbo , guess the therapy is kinda getting to you hon, just been trying to read most of the post Jim, I am sure its not easy for you, sometimes trying to take in stuff ,you just need time to disgest it all, especially if you've never had this kind of therapy before and its normal to feel overwhelmed , its just getting use to it all Jim, you're gonna be ok.
I remember when I use to write in the earlier days, ok, I wasnt chatting to anyone, therapy wise, I mean, but I use to feel so exhausted for pouring out all those feelings, My brains use to feel like mush!!! I knew it was just me adjusting to the feelings , that were coming up for me....
Give yourself time to adjust Jim , right now you may feel you cant cope with it all, but its early days, it can feel like playing catch up with our feelings but be kind to yourself , you know its gonna be hard, please try not to worry , I know easier said than done!!! :hugs: Sky, ahhhhhhhh louise, hope your feeling ok hon!!!:hugs:
Thanks, http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/love/love0059.gifgroup hug :) .
Going to have a good relaxing night tonight and try not to worry about it all.
The one good thing about those tablets was that my apetite has gone through the roof, I've eaten virtually all the food in the house, lol. So I've ordered a large pizza all to myself. :yesyes:
Mmmm http://www.allemoticons.com/Food/hungry.gif
Jim
Well I've just read this entire thread and some of the others attached and linked etc, taken me ages ! lol Just wanted to say thanks for such honest imformative postings. As we all say it helps to read about others even if their problems are totally different to our own. I've read it all whilst in a state of high anxiety, sweating, pounding heart etc. and its calmed me down ! THANKS don't know why it just has ! I look forward to reading more of your posts.
:hugs: Thanks Eastender, it always calms me down having a read through other posts on here. :)
Hope you had a good sleep Lou and the appointments go well today. Let us know how you got on. Sounds like a big day with all the stuff oyu have on, hope it goes / went ok. :hugs:
I stopped taking the new tablets today cause they just weren't helping and were making me feel worse. I'm waiting from a phone call from my GP to talk about different options this afternoon.
Out of the blue this morning my psychiatrist phoned up and had a long chat with me about everything that has gone on over the last few weeks. :ohmy: It was good tho as he talked to me about some of the scary thoughts and experiences I've been having are just related to anxiety and the high state of emotion I am in. He wants me to try a different antipsychotic which would be given to me in an injection!! :ohmy: He's going to speak to my GP this afternoon before she calls me. Sounds a bit scary as I would have to go have an injection every 1-2 weeks at the docs surgery, but I guess I'd be willing to give it a go if it helps. :S Had a read up on it and it's mainly used in cases where the patient is 'non-compliant' :blush: . I guess he's worried I might do a repeat of the last incident when I took the overdose. :blush: It means an injection in the 'gluteus maximus'!! lol! :huh: :blush:
Jim
Well my GP phoned and we decided not to go down the route of injections for now. Phew!! :)
Decided to try a different tablet, which was the one I originaly wanted to try. I swear I could prescirbe medication better than my GP, lol. :lac:
Gonna start it on Monday but I don't really have high hopes for it working tho, bit dubious about these sort of drugs.
Just got told of by the RLR man for posting in the medical discussion forum. :foot: :blush: Oops, I wasn't even looking what forum it was, i just saw a thread that had something I get too and posted. Slapped wrists for Jim! :blush:
Hope your appointments went ok Lou. :hugs:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
23-03-07, 19:52
Hey Jim :hugs:
That's really good that your psychiatrist phoned you, and you had a talk :)
Good luck with the new tablets you will be trying, at least you are giving them a go - well done :)
My appointments didn't go well, I feel crap :weep:
Aww lou, (((BIG HUGS)))
Sounds like you had a lot on and a lot on your mind this week, so you're bound to have had a tough time.
Make sure you have a good relaxing night, and try to get it all off your mind. A large pizza all to myself and the new bond dvd did the trick for me yesterday. :blush: (There's no fat smiley).
Jim
Under~The~Stars
23-03-07, 20:08
Jim thankyou - you have no idea how much I was needing that hug. I only wish it was a real one :weep:
I can't explain how bad I feel tonight.
I hope your doing ok tonight hun :hugs:
Aww, I know what you mean, I wish I could give you a real big hug, have a few of these too. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
(ahh my eyes, lol :winks: )
I'm feeling ok tonight, much better than i did the last few days on those other tablets and glad I had a chat with my psychiatrist, although it did need a new pair of pants after I answered the phone and it was him!
I'ts never good having 2 apts in 1 day, I've had 2 in 2 days and felt awful before. 1 appointment is a lot to take in, let alone 2. Give yourself some time for it all to sort itself out in your head.
Jim :hugs:
After virtually no sleep last night, had a fairly good day today for a change :) , a little anxiety but had a nice relaxing day on the whole. My housemates were out for the day and I'm alone in the house and not feeling too anxious about it. :)
I got all my essential oils I ordered in the post this afternoon, so they are doing a world of good. Spent the whole day watching tv in bed and just chilling out.
Have got all the candles out tonight and I'm planning to continue my chill out session. :)
Hopefully I'll sleep a bit better tonight.
Jim :shades:
Did anyone watch Holby City tonight? I wonder what people thought about the portrayal of the character with the 'Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder' (alternative name for BPD)?
I found it quite upsetting, I'm more of a casual watcher so I've not followed the whole story line. They only covered a few of the symptoms but it was quite scary to watch, I hope I never get to being quite that bad.:wacko:
Jim
Under~The~Stars
28-03-07, 22:47
I didn't see holby city tonight hun, probably just as well from the sounds of it.
Was it pretty bad?
Have sent you a pm :hugs:
Was it pretty bad?
Yeah, I thought it was... It's probably a good thing you didn't see it.:winks:
The main story was about a patient who had got involved with one of the doctors who was treating her. I haven't seen the whole build up to it, but I assume he had been holding back from getting heavily involved with her but wanted to. A few kisses etc. Meanwhile the guy in the wheelchair (name??) had looked up her medical history and found out the psychiatric problems she had, and tried to warn the doc involved. He wasn't having any of it. She had gone and thrown herself down ther stairs of a shopping centre in an attempt to get his attention as self harm, and ended up getting a brian heamatoma. He opperated and had to cut off her hair and went she woke up she kinda flipped out about it and went really mad at him. There were bits of talk about the symptoms of it and whether she might be suffering and whether the doc had acted professionaly, etc. He ended up getting suspended from his job.:ohmy: And she got sectioned for the self harm attempt.
Obviously that's the shortened 'Jim' explanation about it, lol.
Doesn't exactly portray us in a particularily good light I guess. :wacko:
Jim:hugs:
Under~The~Stars
28-03-07, 23:28
Doesn't exactly portray us in a particularily good light I guess. :wacko:
Nope :blush:
I'm glad I didn't see it, probably not the right thing for me to be watching just now lol.
Take care Jim, and sleep well hun :hugs:
PanickyPolly
13-04-07, 19:19
Haven't read all these posts but I'm pretty sure I'm BPD. I bit all the critera to a tee. So much so it's like the critera was designed to fit me. Am waiting to get assessed to find out
Good luck Polly. :hugs: Has it been mentioned to you before or have you discussed it with a psych or anything?
Remember that it's not really a condition, just a label that is used to describe a wide range of symptoms. I was so upset when I first found out I have some of the traits of it, it's so discriminated against by the mental health world. :sad:
I definately have it, along with depression & panic disorder etc. It's a right pain, I'm always questioning myself whether it's the BPD talking or really me nowdays.
I'm starting my therapy (DBT) for it very soon, it's gonna be hard work I think. :wacko: I don't hold much confidence in talking therapy 'curing' me but, I'm going to give it a go.
Jim
Hi,
I haven't read all through this thread. A lot to catch up on. I just wanted to say I think you are very brave sharing what you have and I am so impresed with the way you are dealing with things. Good on ya mate!
Happyone
xx
Dying_Swan
14-04-07, 02:01
Hear hear! (Or is it here here?!)
Anyway....I also wanted to thank you for posting this. It has been a fascinating (and yes, very long) read. I think you are an extremely brave and intelligent guy, and a big 'well done' for summoning the courage to talk about such difficult things. You are right in saying that there isn't much on NMP about BPD. I think it is good for us all to learn about something new.
Thanks also to Louise and Skylight for their posts in this thread. Louise - havent chatted to you in a while. I am sorry to hear you've been having a hard time. How are you doing?
I think I'll have to read it all again when I am less tired! But you've opened my eyes to something I know nothing about, so I thank you.
Good luck with everything, and keep hold of that inner strength that you so obviously have. Believe in yourself - you have so much to offer.
Night night xxx :flowers:
:cloud9: (hope I'm not taking liberties by using this!!)
Thanks,
I'm glad you found it interesting, I see so many BPD traits in a lot of people who suffer on this site too. I think it is more common than a lot of people realise. I guess we all suffer to a certain extent since it's just a wide spread of personality types.
I really should have a read back through this thread, it's been a long time since I posted it. I remember there being some eipc length posts on here.
:cloud9: (hope I'm not taking liberties by using this!!)
Nooo, not my pink cloud 9 smiley! :lac::winks:
Jim :hugs:
Dying_Swan
14-04-07, 12:56
Yea I think you are right. I remember reading a little about it ages ago and thinking...'hey! that's me!'. But then I am excellent at diagnosing myself with allsorts. My therapist told me not to keep doing that, so I forgot all about it.
I think it is so important to make people aware of this condition, because, as you say, so many people do suffer from BPD traits. I was also happy to see that you didn't seem to be getting to bogged down with the 'label', and I think that really helps people to be more open-minded about such things. Whilst I think 'labels' (well, having a name for something) is useful in understanding what you're going through, I think it can also make things harder for people to come to terms with. So, well done you for seeing that it doesn't alter who you are, it just gives a name and explanation to some of the things you are feeling.
Couldn't help but notice the time you wrote the last post?!?! You sure are one early riser! I do hope you're feeling ok this morning.
Have a nice day and enjoy the sunshine :)
xxx:emot-highfive:
Last night I was so tired I thought the pink cloud was a duvet! Only when I saw the '9' did I realise it was a cloud lol
Thanks,
My sleep is a bit messed up at the moment, went back to bed after that and was snoozing for a while. Will be popping out into the garden for a bit to catch some sun.
http://www.emotihost.com/glass9/6.gif
Jim
PanickyPolly
14-04-07, 13:24
Hiya guys...glad this thread is doing so well let's keep it up!!! No Jim haven't ben diagnosed with it although my previous CPN seemed to think I had it. Am waiting for an assessment. Really though, when you think about...as you say it doesn't really matter if a shrink says well yes you are BPD as long as we get therapy. I think I knew something was up wit me when an online friend told me she had it and i looked it up and it was just like reading about me. I then did an online test and came out at high risk. I basically tick evry single box of the critera whcih was scary at first but now I think well so what...it's not my fault I'm this way...it's not any of our faults. We're seeking help that's all we can do.
Dying_Swan
14-04-07, 13:46
Good woman Polly. And good luck with getting therapy. Don't even consider 'fault'. It's just who you are and there's nothing wrong with who you are. Let's definitely keep this thread up....I really want to learn more. Not sure how helpful I can be, but I shall continue reading anyhow.
Have a lovely weekend y'all :)
xxx
Under~The~Stars
14-04-07, 21:57
Polly, and Dying_Swan welcome aboard! :hugs: Good to see you :hugs:
Swan, it's been a while since I last spoke to you indeed! Will need to catch up. :) I have been having a hard time recently, just had loads going on, but thanks to everyone here, and a couple of other things I'm trying hard, which I suppose is all I can do really. How are you doing? Hope you are well :hugs:
Polly, I really am impressed with your attitude towards the BPD, you sound like you have a lot of inner strength, keep talking to us, and just know that your not alone. We can totally relate to how you will be feeling :hugs:
Really nice to see that people are interested in this thread, and offering support, means a lot. I'm sure Jim can back me up on that :hugs:
Like Jim did with the symptoms of BPD that he has, I pm'd Jim with mines (wasn't brave enough to post) however, I might post them, will see what happens.
Thanks guys, hope you are all ok tonight :hugs:
Lou xxx :hugs:
skylight2007
15-04-07, 19:59
:hugs: Hey Jimbo, lou and everyone else, its been awhile jim , have to catch up on whats been happening to you guys!!! so far it seems as if you have been getting a suntan!!!:yesyes: hope you did, the day has been sooo beautiful today, here in london!!!!! I am brown enough so dont need to sit in the sun,:D but havent forgotten you guys, will be checking back to see how things are going for you all. lots of love. Sky:hugs:
BBC breakfast today had a lot of news on the recent mental health bill that is being debated at the moment.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6558529.stm
A lot of scary stuff in there for personality disorder sufferers including involuntary treatment and detention. :wacko: I think it's more aimed at more serious PD's like psychopathic types that are prone to violence.
It just seems like yet more predjudice against us to me. :lac:
I guess it would have helped me back when my dad who had psychopathic personality disorder caused our family so many problems.
Wonder if anyone else had heard anything about it and wondered what they thought?
Jim
Hi
Its great that some one has started a thread on personality disorder, I wanted too ages ago but the lack of info to help people here wasnt enough and I didnt want to scare people.
I have been diagnosed with border line personality disorder and im in a mess.
O.C.D, ANOREXIC,SELFHARM,OVERDOSES, all of which is just the tip of an iceberg. people dont understand how bad this illness is.
I hate myself so much, my looks and fly off the handle at anything . I live in a negative world because of my past. They have told us it developed because I had PTSD at 9yrs and left untreated until the preasure cooker exploded in August.
Ive included my story to let you know how it all started.
My life, its very complex and I wont bore you with it. I will bullet point it makes it easier.
Evil mother
Abuse from family friend 9/14yrs.
Anorexic from then.
Left home at 16yrs to get away from both, had my daughter at 18yrs.
Bad marriage, divorce.
Married again when daughter 10yrs old
Father died
Daughter became anorexic and in hospital until she was 17yrs old
Was told many times she wouldn’t make it.
Tried to leave hubby as I hated him, professor looking after her told me if I left and told her she would hold herself responsible and could die, she was never aware I wanted to leave.
Lived with him until May 2005.
Daughter was so happy and started to put on weight.
All through this time I had cod, my house was like a show home and was cleaning 6/8 hours away
Self cleaning , showers4/5 times away
If some one touched anything I would have to start the ritual again.
I worked as a social worker, caring for others instead of dealing with my own stuff, it just got buried away.
I was always angry but didn’t realise, huge rows with hubby but he started them and I would carry on for ¾ days.
I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, which was not treated.
I was not really aware of what could happen because I had so many worries.
5 yrs ago I met tm best friend and soul mate, never been able to trust anyone until I met him, Chris.
When I got divorced it was so natural that we got together, even my daughter said don’t mess this one up mum he is the best for you and I’ve never seen you so happy.
Chris has opened up my heart and allowed me to open up about all my secrets.
We married March 2006.
August 2006, my daughter now 20yrs told us she had been abused by my ex hubby. I’ve lost it and went down instantly . Police are involved and he has been arrested but we have to wait along time.
My daughter is in counselling and getting a lot of support.
Me , well where do I start, I went crazy, Was admitted into a mental unit for my own safety, due to self harm and retreating into myself not knowing what I was doing. I tried at one point to cut my face with a cheese grater.
In the end I was sectioned because I overdosed on home leave and my hubby found me unconscious, by the time the ambulance arrived id stopped breathing. I was in intensive care for the week and hubby told I might not pull through, I did but sectioned against my will and put back in the unit.
I self harm when ever and have done a lot of damage to my body. The pain is unbearable to cope with ,with what’s happened to my daughter.
So there’s the dreadful truth about ness, I told you it would be hard to read.
I hope you can cope with this.
So now its your turn, tell me what has been going on for you.?
Take your time and say what you want too.
Take care
nessxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey Ness,
Firstly a big hug for saying all of that, very brave. :hugs: You've had a very difficult time and things will get better.
You can read my story way back on page 1 of this thread. I should really update as to what has happened since then. That was only up till March but it seems like a lifetime a go. I actually had to check that 3 times, lol. It seems like a year ago, feels like so mych has happened since then.
I had had my big OD back then and have been very up and down since. One thing that has remained constant is the anxiety and panic. This seems to have got worse and I have experienced some halucinations and rather disturbing things while very anxious. I've been put on a low dose of antipsychotic medication to try to reduce that.
I've had a few episodes of self harm along the way. Leading up to easter I was very depressed and wanted to end it all again. Fortunately the doc no longer gives me enough tablets to do any damage now cause I have to see her weekly. Over easter I stayed back home with my mum, who seemed very worried about me, said I was withdrawn and didn't really participate in anything. I felt very much out of my comfort zone while there, but I managed to get through the anxiety and got back home.
Since easter things seem to have taken on an even more bizzare twist, my mood seems to have slowly swung completely round to the oposite, I've been feeling very 'high' for the last week. Have been doing some rather strange things that isn't normally me. Spent loads of money on ebay and loads of cd's from amazon, I have barely no memory of doing that except for the e-mail receipts. The air condtioner I ordered I am quite looking forward to tho, lol!
Sent epic rambling pm's to one of my really good friends on here about some of my weirdest thoughts, then spent ages being paranoid about what I'd said. Thinking back over the last week seems odd, almost a total blur, I feel that I've been acting very irationally. I also got keep getting myself worked up that there is some sort of conspiracy going on with my GP and psychs that I can't really explain.
Had an argument and got quite irritated with my mum on the phone for no real reason the other day. Found out she's really ill at the moment which is also worrying.
My mind currently feels like it's just spinning and I can't concentrate on anything long enough to work out wtf is going on. I wake up each day and think, yikes did I really say / do that yesterday. I sort of feel a bit like I'm coming down from this mad over self confident high now and starting to go back to feeling hopeless, but I have been up all night completely unable to sleep tonight.:wacko:
Still struggling with the panic and anxiety especially when outside of my house.
About to lose my job now I've been off for nearly 9 months which is a big worry. Plus dealing with the aftermath of my spending spree isn't going to be fun.
Thats the story so far I guess.
What treatment are you getting Ness? I'm starting DBT therapy sometime this month along with continuing all the meds.
Jim :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
17-04-07, 13:12
(((((HUGS TO YOU BOTH)))))
Very brave :hugs:
One day I might do the same,
Lou xxx :hugs:
Hi Jim
thank you for getting back to me. you asked if Im having treatment, yes funny enough it started today, DPT THERAPY. it was hard and have to do plenty of homework. Not sure where it will all end and how it aall works at mo. Its every 2 weeks and hard work. Will kept you pasted andd let you know what happens.
Take care
nessx
Glad you started your therapy, mine should start soon.
Is DPT the same as DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy)? Cause that's what I'm going to be doing.
Jim
Hi Jimbo
Im sorry im on the same programme as you will be DBT got the letters wrong.
i wil let you know how it goes and what you can expect if you ike.
take care
nessx
Hi
I have BPD too, I'm not as ill as I once was a few years ago but not totally out of the woods as it's the sort of thing that keeps coming back from time to time.
Mine was brought on by childhood bullying (I was kicked to within an inch of my life and then hung from a tree with a rope when I was 10 years old), this lasted from I was 8 til I was 15, then I started going to a gym to toughen up and I got bigger and stronger and then started fighting back....to such an extent that I got a taste for fisticuffs I'm afraid.
I was always being lifted for fighting from the ages of 16 to about 20 and I always found it difficult to get on with authority, whether that be my parents or the tutors at college or the police.
When I was 20 I saw a psychiatrist who just said I had "behavioural problems". I always found it easy to make friends but with the wrong crowd..
I used to have a couple of good jobs, working at a radio station which I did for a few years and then working for the Forestry Commission, both quite well paid and both jobs I loved doing with no real pressure on me.
I never had any problems making friends but they always seemed to be around when I'd just been paid...... and I was only too happy to buy the beers as I was on a good wage and I was chuffed that people were giving me their time... These so called friends suddenly vanished into thin air when I lost my jobs.. (The radio station one I lost cos they scrapped the show I worked on and the forestry one I had to leave after a bad accident(which I luckily made a full recovery from)). Due to losing my job, the accident and my "friends" not being there, I became depressed and my doc put me onto Diazepam.
During this time (when I was about 18 actually), my Mum was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis which eventually confined her to a wheelchair. She then had three big heart attacks between the ages of 47 and 49.
In August 1996, my Mum died at the age of only 52. She took a bad turn one morning, was rushed to hospital at 7am and died at 9.50pm that same night. She'd got septacaemia and it poisoned her bloodstream and went into her brain.
Already mildly depressed, that just knocked me for six and I felt like someone had thrown my head into a tumble dryer.
I started acting totally recklessly, living beyond my means, picking up women for meaningless physical liasions, alienating the few good mates that I did have by telling them that they didn't understand me, I was self-harming by cutting my arms with sharp objects and sometimes even biting into my arm until it bruised. I started getting upset over the least little thing and arguing like hell with my dad over nothing at all most of the time. (Even if I was "normal", my Dad and I would never be the best of mates anyway....).
I was doing all sorts of crazy stuff - I'd get drunk on cheap Thunderbird wine and go into the road and play "chicken" with buses and lorries, I'd run right towards them and then throw myself onto the grass verge with a few seconds to spare.
Was I sectioned? Was I helped? Was I hell. I was given prozac and told to get on with it. My doc at the time was a very bad doc who was only in it for the nice salary. She misdiagnosed my Dad on TWO occasions with physical illnesses. Anyway this isn't the place to go into details or name names, it was dealt with.
Prozac made me suicidal, I went to her and she told me to stick with it and give it a chance. I then demanded that I try something else and was given Citalopram which just made me feel flat and lifeless. Someone recently said I may have been allergic to them? I've read up on several websites that feeling suicidal IS a side effect of Prozac and people were taking legal action against drug companies in the US.
I weaned myself off of Citalopram a couple of years ago, it was hell at first but eventually I didn't need them.
As I'm now med-free, the bad days are twice as bad as they'd otherwise be but I'm able to enjoy the good days now. I've built up a large network of good friends and acquaintances through my passion for music and I've actually been told I'm a very good DJ and I have over 7,000 people a week downloading my podcasts from all over the world.
I'm managing reasonably okay these days due to having a handful of extremely good close friends who are there for me no matter what. I am a strong believer that the brotherly and sisterly love provided by close friends can be stronger than any drug and they're my rocks right now.
Right now at this moment I'm chatting online with another BPD and we've become very fond of each other but I'm aware of all the obstacles that lie in the way of us becoming an item one day. She likes me and I like her but our inner wariness and not wanting to be hurt anymore is a major thing that has to be overcome. I believe that BPDs CAN fall in love if they are open and honest about things and work at a relationship. I'm certainly willing to give it a try. There are a few things that are worrying me about the situation but I'll talk about them later (without going into TOO many details of course).
I think I've given you an outline of my BPD, there's a few situations that I've not talked about as they may be too extreme and upsetting for others but I'm happy to chat by PM if anyone would like to get to know me a bit more.
Cheers
Gordon
Under~The~Stars
05-06-07, 19:02
Thankyou for sharing that with us Gordon. We understand how hard it is trying to cope with BPD :hugs: Nice to have you on board here, hopefully we can all be of use to each other in some way.
I'm sure Jim will post here at some point. Jim and I have become good friends, and we both have the same issues, so understand each other. It's just good to know that you're not alone :hugs:
I'm glad you have support of a few close friends now, in my experience friends (whether it be chatting over a computer, or in real life) can help us so much.
I believe that BPD's can love too. All the best with your relationship with another sufferer, I hope it all works out for you. As long as you are aware of the problems that may arise, which by the sounds of it you are, then good luck to you :hugs:
Lou xxx
Hey Gordon, :hugs:
Well done for posting, it's a brave thing to do. Sounds like you've had some hard times in your life and made it through.
This is a great site and the people here are very supportive.
Have you had any other treatment except for meds? I'm now a few months into a DBT course specifically for BPD and getting on quite well. It's hard work but I am learning new skills and coping techniques that are helping a lot. I think I've still got a long way to go, but I'm getting there slowly. I haven't had any major 'incidents' in a while now.
The attitude from most medical proffesionals toward BPD can be very harsh and it's a very misunderstood condition. I hope you are getting the support you need.
Glad you are getting on well as a DJ, music is one of my great loves too and I'd love to get into a job doing something along the lines of recording or sound engineering.
Jim :hugs:
Thanks Louise and Jim and nice to (virtually) meet you!
I wasn't told by my GPs about DBT, I only found out about it online.
If I start to feel worse again, then it's something I'll look at.
As I said my GP back in the day was uncaring verging on negligent.
I wasn't told about anything. I also suffered from sleep apnoea due to being a bit heavy and it was an ex-girlfriend who actually discovered that I had it, the first time we slept together. I had my tonsils removed and I don't suffer from it now (or if I do I don't notice it now as I don't wake up gasping for breath any longer). I've been told that many docs tend just to leave mental health patients out to dry.
I did have anger management a few years ago, that helped a lot but they stopped the classes due to cutbacks.
Cheers
Gordon
Under~The~Stars
05-06-07, 20:01
Gordon, I wasn't told about DBT either. I only found out about it I was trying to find out more about BPD, and seen that this was an effective treatment for it. I asked my GP about it, and she had never heard of it! :shrug: I am getting psychotherapy at the moment.
I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with your GP. I have a lovely GP now, but there were a couple who I seen previously who didn't understand my situation at all.
Nice to meet you,
Lou xxx
Is lying a major part of BPD and how do you deal with it? I don't lie as I hate lying but I will make excuses when I don't feel like doing things such as pretending to be a bit under the weather physically. I'd never tell a massive lie for the hell of it though.
The lady I've been chatting to was telling me about a relative and told me the relative's name. I then did a search in Google for her nickname she uses on MSN (it's sort of a self-protection thing that I do always, I try to find out about someone) and I saw her on a message board talking about the same relative and the same situation but using a different name for her relative than the one she'd given me. She also does this thing on the phone where she'll say something normal, then nervously giggle after it.
I don't want to doubt her as I know it may be part of the illness but what if she's leading me a merry dance? I have read about BPDs using people for attention. It's not something I've done as I don't have it as severe as some but I guess I have had times where I've craved attention in other ways and felt unwanted.
It's a tricky one, if she does really like me then I'm scared that my doubting of her will drive her away. But I've seen some "warning signs" and they're heavy on my mind right now.
Gordon
I'm not so sure that lying is a big part of it. Perhaps not being entirely honest about things, like you said. I think it's more behaviour in general, we can be very demanding of people without realising it.
From my therapy, the main thing is it's difficult for us, is to gage how intense we are being when dealing with other people. Sometimes we might go in all guns blazing and other times not say what we are really thinking. Getting caught up in the moment with our emotions rather than being rational, or the oposite being very senseless and cold.
I wonder with the attention seeking thing, how she would be getting attention by being dishonest and leading you along? I think the main danger would perhaps be getting too attached and then the relationship souring later and becoming a problem.
In terms of a romantic relationship with two BPD sufferers, it could be potentially damaging to both of you, so be careful. I probably wouldn't use my real family names on the internet so I can understand why the names might not match up. Perhaps you could ask her about it and say that you noticed she had been posting on another site? I think the best thing would to be honest with her and talk about all your fears.
Jim :hugs:
Hi Jim
I called her tonight and calmly asked about it and she said the other photo was her sister's baby. I've accepted her explanation and we're still planning to meet up next month. She did express doubts about showing up but says that she will be there now. I've arranged to meet in London as there's lots of things to do there and it's close to her and I can stay at a friend's house and go for a drink with my friend if she doesn't show up.
She was adamant tonight that she does want to see me.
After all that I've been through, I guess that being unsure about people is part and parcel of my make-up.
Cheers
Gordon
Under~The~Stars
06-06-07, 14:17
Hi Gordon,
I'm not so sure that lying is a huge part in BPD, it's more not being completely honest about things. But not just lying for the sake of it. The things I find hard being honest about is my true feelings, on here I can, but when talking to someone face to face, you couldn't really tell as I have a problem with showing my emotions. I can't cry in front of people etc.
Our behaviour is probably the most distressing thing for us, and our behaviour is sometimes due to feelings that we feel, but find it hard expressing them. Our behaviour can be very impulsive and damaging. We can be very demanding on people at times, like Jim said. I notice it more with my mum, and therapist than anyone else. One minute my therapist can be like a God to me, he can't do anything wrong, I have strong feelings for him, but the minute my needs aren't met or we have an argument I can hate him within seconds. I'm the same with my mum. It's like black or white, there is no grey in between. It's either all good or all bad.
Just make sure you are honest with each other and talk about what could possibly go wrong, before you get too close. I know within myself that I get too attached to people very quickly and that is part of my BPD. Because I am aware of that I can try and distance myself as best I can without getting hurt. I have a huge fear of abandonment. Just make sure you are aware of all of these things, and maybe take things slow to begin with?
The best of luck to you, and let us know how you get on,
Lou xxx
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