I need some help please

[lass]

There's loads of things going on in my head right now, I'm in a real mess. I've posted about a few things recently, but things are going from bad to worse.

I've been diagnosed with IBS, but this week I've been concerned that I have blood in my stools. Not loads, but I've noticed some (bright red). I know I have an unnatural fixation with my bowels at times, and I guess I look a lot harder than normal people. But having seen it a couple of times this week it's make me look more. I'm usually more constipated, but I've been varying between this and very loose, and it's when I'm loose that I've noticed the red. I just really haven't had a normal bowel habit in more than a year, even when I've been through times when my anxiety is more under control, and this worries me as I don't think it sounds like classic IBS.

Added to this, I am very upset about my friend and her son's diagnosis of terminal illness. I've been asked to help with fundraising which I'm more than happy to do. And obviously I'm wanting to fully support my friend and her family, particularly her other child. Logistically we are very close - she's one of my neighbours and our children are at school together. So, I'm happy to have her other child over to play with mine, I'm happy to give my friend beauty/holistic treatments to help with her stress levels; generally I want to do all I can because it's such a terrible time for them all.

My husband has told me that I shouldn't be involved, because it affects me and subsequently affects him. My HA started when another friend was ill with cancer and she died last September. I was there as much as I possibly could throughout her illness and I did get too attached, and it tooks its toll on me. I know this then has a knock on effect on my family. But I can't turn my back on a friend and say "do you know what, I don't think I want to help you because I'm not sure if I can cope with it" when she is having to come to terms with the fact that her child is going to die. What kind of person would that make me if I could do that to a friend? I just couldn't.

This is causing more tension with me and my husband, and things are very bad between us. He's accused me of talking to people on here and not talking to him about whats on my mind - so the other night I told him I was worried about my bowel problems etc. He just rolled his eyes and walked off.

I tried again last night to tell him how much he's upsetting me, and that I need more support than I'm getting. But he feels that I'm too difficult to live with as he doesn't know what mood I'll be in. I'm depressing him. He's bored of me being like this and that's why he's not supporting me any more. He doesn't like being around ill people. I shouldn't have counselling (they're just nosy people who can't help), I shouldn't take medication (I'll get addicted), I shouldn't take supplements (they don't walk), I shouldn't talk to people on here (we're all nutters and don't tell each other the truth, just what we want to hear).

So I asked him in his opinion what he thought I should do - and he shrugged his shoulders, said he didn't know, I should just snap out of it.

I cried all night, I can't stop crying today. I'm trying to keep it together in front of my children and other people, but as soon as I'm alone I just break down.

I feel that on top of all the things I was worrying about, he's now given me the responsibility of making or breaking our marriage. All he can tell me is what I shouldn't do, and not what I should. He doesn't want to be around me because I depress him and if he could afford to move out he would. It's down to me to change - because he hasn't changed, it's me - he's just the way he's always been and I have to accept that (his words).

To clarify the picture, I work 2 days a week and only 2 people at work know anything about how I feel. I also do beauty therapy from home. I have 2 children that I try to make sure aren't affected by how I feel. I have lots of friends and I'm always busy. In front of other people, I think I come across as very strong and in control (I confess to being a bit of a control freak). Most people would be shocked to learn how I feel inside. Yet my husband accuses me of doing this (anxiety) for attention.

I'm a nervous wreck right now, all jumpy and shaky, confused, I just can't function right at all, my heads in a mess. I'm really scared because I don't know what to do now, I'm completely overwhelmed.

I'm sorry for such a long post and I probably sound a complete idiot. I want to get myself out of this but I don't know how. Please can anyone suggest anything to help?

[PUGLETMUM]

hello lass,

firstly you dont have to apologise for your long post, you are in a bad way and that is what you need to do to feel better and that is also why other people come here to do the same.

obviously putting on a front to the whole of your world while youve got all of this emotional turmoil inside is only going to add to your problems, but ive done that too, for whatever reasons but it does make it worse.

so now you are dealing with another person who is in pain and you are beating yourself up about this? what you need in my opinion is more love and support so you can continue to support your friend, but i feel that you do have the right to say that you are finding it too hard to carry on without feeling you are a bad person. but i would say that strong people need to be supported, you cant just go around taking on the woes of the world if you dont look after yourself can you?

i dont think its fair for me to comment on your husbands issues, just to say everyone is entitled to their opinion, but at the end of the day thats all it is. he is entitled to his the same as we are all as individuals are entitled to ours.

i really hope you feel better for coming here, because somewhere along the line we all need help so we can continue in our own lives, and there is nothing wrong with that, i think its a fact that there is nothing that can take away what you are feeling, but really there are no facts in how you get better, i feel its just a learning process and for me this site has and is playing a part in that.

all the best emma

[liss]

hello
it sounds like you have a lot on at the moment and you are trying to cope with everything at once
please take care of yourself you really dont have to solve everything today sometimes just getting through the day is enough take care of you and dont be so hard on yourself
when i was teaching i had health anxiety and i had a child in my class with cancer after a few health scares this did settle down and the little girl was such a delight it made me put things into perspective
i know your situation is a little closer to home than mine but just go gently for your own sake and for your family's
i hope i dont sound bossy and i know i dont have all the answers but taking care of you and being kind to you will help you look after your family and friends and most importantly YOU i know its easier to write than do
when i was married i couldnt talk to my ex about this he just didnt understand but people on here will listen which should help remember you dont have to solve everything today
hope this helps
xxx
liss

[Paddington]

Oh my sweet Lass:hugs: ,what a pickle you are in..right first things first..your ibs..the red you are seeing is ok hun,fresh blood is part of it[i have had it for 20 years Lass!!]I also have HA and panic attacks and agoraphobia[which, Mr Lass,does not make me a nutter!!:wacko: ]It can and will get better.I joined here a year ago and was in a right mess,but now ,well,i go to concerts ,i can walk round a shop,i actualy drove last week:yesyes: Now then.you are a classic people pleaser,you will help them to the detriment of your own well being..i suggest that you help your friend but keep somthing back Lass,you could even try telling her you have bad days but on the good days you will help where you can.See easy really!The world will not come to an end if you say 'NO':winks: As for your hubby,well i will comment as i think he is scared of the change he sees in you!This can make people act in a strange way:wacko: I would imagine bfore you were ill you were strong and confident,now you are frightened and discouraged by life,because of the death of your friend and the reaction it has imprinted on you ,your health anxiety!He may be trying tough love..if he is genuinely not bothered by your ill health well that is a different story.And only you know what you want to do about that:mad: I bet you were the main care giver before you were ill too,it is all a shock to our families when people who perceived us one way have to see us thru different eyes,they get all confused,poor souls:shrug: !!Let him read this ,or show him this site,it may help him understand!!Hope this helps a wee bit Lass!Here if you want to natter!.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[spacebunnyx]

take a step back and make sure you look after yourself first and foremost.. x

[lass]

I'd like to thank you all for your replies and your support. It's helped me a lot.

I think I have some big issues to sort out in my life, and my initial reaction is that everything needs to be sorted out now, at once, all in one go. But you're right, I shall take a step back and do this one thing at a time.

Paddington, thank you so much for your information on IBS. I was panicking because everything I've ever read on IBS says "BLEEDING IS NOT A SYMPTOM OF IBS ..." and then goes on to lead me to believe it is bowel cancer. I've got an consultant appointment in 6 weeks and I will make a long list of all the things that worry me so that hopefully he can reassure me on it all.

Hubby is trying hard to be nice to me now - I think he's feeling guilty about what he's said, but he'd never go so far as to apologise! Trouble is, I'm still very hurt and angry. I need to work out my own feelings first before I can forgive and forget.

I can't say NO to people, I'm always scared they won't like me then. This came out in my counselling and stems back to childhood. I have a need to please others, I guess. But in all honesty, most of the time I don't want to say no. I like helping others, I believe what goes around comes around, and hopefully I will have lots of people there if I ever asked for help. Which I don't, because I'm too scared of what people think of me!

Anyway, thank you all again for listening and for your wise words. I'm still feeling very low at the moment but your support will help me through this.

xx

[Paddington]

Hi Lass:hugs: how you doing today?Glad your hubby is treating you better at the moment hun:D Well thats new to me no bleeding with ibs??Ifyou have constipation you will get fresh red blood when you go too the loo as it causes a fissure in your..er.. [well yur bum basically:blush: ]Bowel cancer causes blood in the stool which presents itself as black,not red!Glad it helped hun.Yep ,like me,cant say no ,nor really want to.I have been the same all my life.But you have to allow your self some time for you Lass,try and be kind to yourself,Keep in touch:) love Mary Rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx