lass
05-03-07, 12:53
There's loads of things going on in my head right now, I'm in a real mess. I've posted about a few things recently, but things are going from bad to worse.
I've been diagnosed with IBS, but this week I've been concerned that I have blood in my stools. Not loads, but I've noticed some (bright red). I know I have an unnatural fixation with my bowels at times, and I guess I look a lot harder than normal people. But having seen it a couple of times this week it's make me look more. I'm usually more constipated, but I've been varying between this and very loose, and it's when I'm loose that I've noticed the red. I just really haven't had a normal bowel habit in more than a year, even when I've been through times when my anxiety is more under control, and this worries me as I don't think it sounds like classic IBS.
Added to this, I am very upset about my friend and her son's diagnosis of terminal illness. I've been asked to help with fundraising which I'm more than happy to do. And obviously I'm wanting to fully support my friend and her family, particularly her other child. Logistically we are very close - she's one of my neighbours and our children are at school together. So, I'm happy to have her other child over to play with mine, I'm happy to give my friend beauty/holistic treatments to help with her stress levels; generally I want to do all I can because it's such a terrible time for them all.
My husband has told me that I shouldn't be involved, because it affects me and subsequently affects him. My HA started when another friend was ill with cancer and she died last September. I was there as much as I possibly could throughout her illness and I did get too attached, and it tooks its toll on me. I know this then has a knock on effect on my family. But I can't turn my back on a friend and say "do you know what, I don't think I want to help you because I'm not sure if I can cope with it" when she is having to come to terms with the fact that her child is going to die. What kind of person would that make me if I could do that to a friend? I just couldn't.
This is causing more tension with me and my husband, and things are very bad between us. He's accused me of talking to people on here and not talking to him about whats on my mind - so the other night I told him I was worried about my bowel problems etc. He just rolled his eyes and walked off.
I tried again last night to tell him how much he's upsetting me, and that I need more support than I'm getting. But he feels that I'm too difficult to live with as he doesn't know what mood I'll be in. I'm depressing him. He's bored of me being like this and that's why he's not supporting me any more. He doesn't like being around ill people. I shouldn't have counselling (they're just nosy people who can't help), I shouldn't take medication (I'll get addicted), I shouldn't take supplements (they don't walk), I shouldn't talk to people on here (we're all nutters and don't tell each other the truth, just what we want to hear).
So I asked him in his opinion what he thought I should do - and he shrugged his shoulders, said he didn't know, I should just snap out of it.
I cried all night, I can't stop crying today. I'm trying to keep it together in front of my children and other people, but as soon as I'm alone I just break down.
I feel that on top of all the things I was worrying about, he's now given me the responsibility of making or breaking our marriage. All he can tell me is what I shouldn't do, and not what I should. He doesn't want to be around me because I depress him and if he could afford to move out he would. It's down to me to change - because he hasn't changed, it's me - he's just the way he's always been and I have to accept that (his words).
To clarify the picture, I work 2 days a week and only 2 people at work know anything about how I feel. I also do beauty therapy from home. I have 2 children that I try to make sure aren't affected by how I feel. I have lots of friends and I'm always busy. In front of other people, I think I come across as very strong and in control (I confess to being a bit of a control freak). Most people would be shocked to learn how I feel inside. Yet my husband accuses me of doing this (anxiety) for attention.
I'm a nervous wreck right now, all jumpy and shaky, confused, I just can't function right at all, my heads in a mess. I'm really scared because I don't know what to do now, I'm completely overwhelmed.
I'm sorry for such a long post and I probably sound a complete idiot. I want to get myself out of this but I don't know how. Please can anyone suggest anything to help?
I've been diagnosed with IBS, but this week I've been concerned that I have blood in my stools. Not loads, but I've noticed some (bright red). I know I have an unnatural fixation with my bowels at times, and I guess I look a lot harder than normal people. But having seen it a couple of times this week it's make me look more. I'm usually more constipated, but I've been varying between this and very loose, and it's when I'm loose that I've noticed the red. I just really haven't had a normal bowel habit in more than a year, even when I've been through times when my anxiety is more under control, and this worries me as I don't think it sounds like classic IBS.
Added to this, I am very upset about my friend and her son's diagnosis of terminal illness. I've been asked to help with fundraising which I'm more than happy to do. And obviously I'm wanting to fully support my friend and her family, particularly her other child. Logistically we are very close - she's one of my neighbours and our children are at school together. So, I'm happy to have her other child over to play with mine, I'm happy to give my friend beauty/holistic treatments to help with her stress levels; generally I want to do all I can because it's such a terrible time for them all.
My husband has told me that I shouldn't be involved, because it affects me and subsequently affects him. My HA started when another friend was ill with cancer and she died last September. I was there as much as I possibly could throughout her illness and I did get too attached, and it tooks its toll on me. I know this then has a knock on effect on my family. But I can't turn my back on a friend and say "do you know what, I don't think I want to help you because I'm not sure if I can cope with it" when she is having to come to terms with the fact that her child is going to die. What kind of person would that make me if I could do that to a friend? I just couldn't.
This is causing more tension with me and my husband, and things are very bad between us. He's accused me of talking to people on here and not talking to him about whats on my mind - so the other night I told him I was worried about my bowel problems etc. He just rolled his eyes and walked off.
I tried again last night to tell him how much he's upsetting me, and that I need more support than I'm getting. But he feels that I'm too difficult to live with as he doesn't know what mood I'll be in. I'm depressing him. He's bored of me being like this and that's why he's not supporting me any more. He doesn't like being around ill people. I shouldn't have counselling (they're just nosy people who can't help), I shouldn't take medication (I'll get addicted), I shouldn't take supplements (they don't walk), I shouldn't talk to people on here (we're all nutters and don't tell each other the truth, just what we want to hear).
So I asked him in his opinion what he thought I should do - and he shrugged his shoulders, said he didn't know, I should just snap out of it.
I cried all night, I can't stop crying today. I'm trying to keep it together in front of my children and other people, but as soon as I'm alone I just break down.
I feel that on top of all the things I was worrying about, he's now given me the responsibility of making or breaking our marriage. All he can tell me is what I shouldn't do, and not what I should. He doesn't want to be around me because I depress him and if he could afford to move out he would. It's down to me to change - because he hasn't changed, it's me - he's just the way he's always been and I have to accept that (his words).
To clarify the picture, I work 2 days a week and only 2 people at work know anything about how I feel. I also do beauty therapy from home. I have 2 children that I try to make sure aren't affected by how I feel. I have lots of friends and I'm always busy. In front of other people, I think I come across as very strong and in control (I confess to being a bit of a control freak). Most people would be shocked to learn how I feel inside. Yet my husband accuses me of doing this (anxiety) for attention.
I'm a nervous wreck right now, all jumpy and shaky, confused, I just can't function right at all, my heads in a mess. I'm really scared because I don't know what to do now, I'm completely overwhelmed.
I'm sorry for such a long post and I probably sound a complete idiot. I want to get myself out of this but I don't know how. Please can anyone suggest anything to help?