KelseyK92
26-03-16, 15:13
Hey everyone.
I'm so depressed. I feel so damaged BY MYSELF, and it annoys me. I've been a hypochondria for a while, I don't know what triggered it, I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a very anxious person in general. It makes me feel selfish sometimes and I don't mean to be self centred because I'm actually a very caring person.
When I was about 10, I had a beauty mark on my face and I hated it! So I would scratch it and pulled it off until it scabbed and then I would pull it off again, now it looks like a pimple scar. LOGICALLY I know that I caused it to look like that, it would be a different story if I never touched it and then it looked like that. But now I'm scared that pulling this freckle (it was small, not a big mole) that I've caused cancer.
I've also done other things to myself, for example, I've prodded my neck so much that I've damaged nerves and slipped a disc where I had tingling all over, I've literally torn my butt hole (lol embarrassing but whatever) and then I complain about it! I've also done other things, I've even used electric pens on my body because I thought I had muscle issues. As a teen I also plucked off all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. It's like an obsessive compulsion and I can't help it!
But I mostly feel bad because my sister has been in and out of hospital with thyroid problems, kidney stones, such bad infections that they thought it was leukaemia, she's had such bad eye problems and optic nerve swelling that they thought that she had a brain tumour or was going blind, she's had a gastric bypass because of weight issues due to her thyroid making it hard to loose weight, she's having a tummy tuck and boob job because her skin is loose due to fast excessive weight loss, she's in and out of surgery. And there I am, damaging myself and then complaining and having panic attacks about things that I have caused myself and then thinking it's something like cancer.
People seem to think that I can JUST STOP DOING IT TO MYSELF but it's so hard, when I'm in that panic mindset, I can't help it. I've been on prozac but they drove me half insane, I'm now on zoloft, they have stopped my panic attacks but this crippling fear and anxiety is overtaking my life. I'm trying so hard to do good. I read self help books, I go to college and I do driving lessons. But here's a quote that I always say, It's so hard to live when you feel like you're dying. I've been on the CBT list for a while and I've not heard anything, I don't know what to do. Can anyone else relate? Sometimes I feel like mental health is worse than being ill because it interacts with your daily life, along with my obsessive thoughts which I have posted about before, it's so hard sometimes.
I'm so depressed. I feel so damaged BY MYSELF, and it annoys me. I've been a hypochondria for a while, I don't know what triggered it, I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm a very anxious person in general. It makes me feel selfish sometimes and I don't mean to be self centred because I'm actually a very caring person.
When I was about 10, I had a beauty mark on my face and I hated it! So I would scratch it and pulled it off until it scabbed and then I would pull it off again, now it looks like a pimple scar. LOGICALLY I know that I caused it to look like that, it would be a different story if I never touched it and then it looked like that. But now I'm scared that pulling this freckle (it was small, not a big mole) that I've caused cancer.
I've also done other things to myself, for example, I've prodded my neck so much that I've damaged nerves and slipped a disc where I had tingling all over, I've literally torn my butt hole (lol embarrassing but whatever) and then I complain about it! I've also done other things, I've even used electric pens on my body because I thought I had muscle issues. As a teen I also plucked off all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. It's like an obsessive compulsion and I can't help it!
But I mostly feel bad because my sister has been in and out of hospital with thyroid problems, kidney stones, such bad infections that they thought it was leukaemia, she's had such bad eye problems and optic nerve swelling that they thought that she had a brain tumour or was going blind, she's had a gastric bypass because of weight issues due to her thyroid making it hard to loose weight, she's having a tummy tuck and boob job because her skin is loose due to fast excessive weight loss, she's in and out of surgery. And there I am, damaging myself and then complaining and having panic attacks about things that I have caused myself and then thinking it's something like cancer.
People seem to think that I can JUST STOP DOING IT TO MYSELF but it's so hard, when I'm in that panic mindset, I can't help it. I've been on prozac but they drove me half insane, I'm now on zoloft, they have stopped my panic attacks but this crippling fear and anxiety is overtaking my life. I'm trying so hard to do good. I read self help books, I go to college and I do driving lessons. But here's a quote that I always say, It's so hard to live when you feel like you're dying. I've been on the CBT list for a while and I've not heard anything, I don't know what to do. Can anyone else relate? Sometimes I feel like mental health is worse than being ill because it interacts with your daily life, along with my obsessive thoughts which I have posted about before, it's so hard sometimes.