View Full Version : Hodgkin's and Nodes
I am a long time lurker. I know there are a few people on this board that have the information I am hoping for. I've seen Fish's cancerous nodes in a picture. I've seen some people that had Hodgkins. I want anyone's input.
Before I start, I am in CBT and I see a psychiatrist next week, as I am in between medications for HA. So I know I am seeking reassurance. But I've hit a really rough week and would appreciate it.
I got the flu jab two months ago. One day after it I noticed a 5-7 mm lymph node on my lower neck on the same side as the shot. Called my doctor in a panic. Nurse told me to worry if it was golf ball sized.
That made me feel better, but I also have OCD and poked the node a lot. I have bruised my neck twice from just poking. Longest I have went is 3 days thus far. So I went to an Urgent Care after a poking session.
Doctor knew I had anxiety, said he highly doubted I had Lymphoma and blamed it on inflammation from me poking. Then he felt my nodes and found only the original one. He said he expected more nodes if I truly had Lymphoma.
That was a month ago. I have been working on not poking the node. I went crazy on it again last Tuesday, and it swelled to be a perfect circular node. I stopped for 3 days and it went back to its normal state of about 5mm.
Now here's the question.
It's been two months. I have no symptoms. The node is the same size. It moves. No other nodes are up. Does Hodgkin's grow faster than this? Am I in the clear time-wise? I see people with Hodgkin's that have golf balls show up overnight.
Cancer is an uncontrolled growth of abnormal cells. It doesn't come and go nor does it stop once it starts.
Positive thoughts
My only counter point is that in my mind the nodes are still functional. They are going up and down in relation to my constant barrage of poking, but they never fully go to normal because they are cancerous and currently the cancerous part is 5 mm. And in regards to stopping... perhaps this node is growing so slowly that I cannot notice it. I feel as though it got smaller over time. But maybe it got larger. I'm dealing with millimeters.
Obviously I'm not a doctor. What you said though makes perfect sense. I just wish I knew that they should be like 2 cm in size. I know cancer doesn't follow rules... but... I feel like most people with Hodgkin's have huge nodes. How quickly did they appear? What about for other cancers?
I had a chest xray in November. It was clear. Abdominal ultrasound too. Perfect.
I'm a Stage IV Head and Neck cancer survivor. What you "perceive" as a swollen node is in fact well within normal limits. My node(s) started off the size of a small grape and grew to that of golf ball (over 5cm) in a few months. Medical professionals dismissed your fears. I wish they had done the same for me.
Good going on going for therapy.
Positive thoughts
I am glad that you are still doing well Fish. My anxiety has been going strong for quite a while, so I have been lurking here for a long time. I knew you'd be the first to comment.
I don't want you to relive the day you discovered the node, but did it truly just show up? Just one morning you realized something was wonky, and several months later you had a 5cm node?
You make me worrying about a 5mm node look truly silly.
I've told my story several times. I caught a cold/sinus infection and had swollen nodes.... nothing that hasn't happened dozens of times in my life. Long story short, the swelling went down with antibiotics but one remained and grew. Lucky me!
Positive thoughts
Actually quite interesting. Especially the unlucky and unrelated cold before hand.
You're most likely right. I wonder if Hodgkin's acts the same. I saw a lot of posts from Ronno on this forum. Who knows if he is still around.
If Hodgkin's causes chicken eggs to grow within a month span, I think I'm alright.
You're right, you're not a doctor, but you've seen a doctor, and he told you that your worries are unfounded. Follow his advice.
Agreed.
He said he thought it was normal and just inflamed from poking. But he can't give me a 100%. That's my issue. Perhaps its from my poking, but that's just anecdotal evidence provided by a nervous and unreliable source. Can poking keep it enlarged? I know it makes it MORE enlarged. But it seems like it returns to the same size and doesn't decrease past that.
That's my concern. But I mean... I never give it more than 3-4 days before I go poke crazy.
Can poking keep it enlarged?
Absolutely! Think of it this way. Poke yourself in the same spot over and over. Eventually it gets sore and black and blue. It's a natural reaction to a negative stimulus.
There was a former member that thought he had lymphoma for years.... He poked the nodes in his groin until they were shotty and permanently enlarged. He eventually found a doctor that did an invasive surgical procedure (biopsy) to remove them. Of course they tested negative. He still didn't believe them! I just hope he got help with his anxiety.
Positive thoughts
Thankfully I'm not that bad. I would have to find a pretty sketchy doctor to biopsy a 5mm node.
It might not even really be enlarged... its just a little firm. An online doctor said that typically they feel like the muscle between your thumb and your index finger if you squeeze it. Its about that level of firmness. So its possible that the poking is just making it firmer and easier to notice, since the 5mm falls within the range of a normal node.
My biggest fear is if it grows over night or something. I have a fear every morning that I'm going to wake up to a lumpy neck. Which is silly, because that fear literally exists every night of my life. I'm just a little more focused on it I guess.
On the bright side, I have not googled Hodgkin's today. Which is amazing for me. In days prior I was googling the course of the disease and the chemotherapy needed and the secondary cancers that can arise. So I was in a dark place.
I just kind of wish that they ranked Hodgkin's like they do Non-Hodgkin's. I just want to know if its indolent or aggressive really.
---------- Post added at 20:17 ---------- Previous post was at 17:57 ----------
I know probably not that many people can answer this... but is Classical Hodgkin's aggressive?
Agreed.
He said he thought it was normal and just inflamed from poking. But he can't give me a 100%. That's my issue. Perhaps its from my poking, but that's just anecdotal evidence provided by a nervous and unreliable source. Can poking keep it enlarged? I know it makes it MORE enlarged. But it seems like it returns to the same size and doesn't decrease past that.
That's my concern. But I mean... I never give it more than 3-4 days before I go poke crazy.
Your doctor is not a "nervous and unreliable source."
Doctor's care for us, but they send people their death sentences daily. He would not be hesitant or nervous to tell you if something was wrong.
Your doctor is not a "nervous and unreliable source."
Doctor's care for us, but they send people their death sentences daily. He would not be hesitant or nervous to tell you if something was wrong.
I am the nervous unreliable source. If a diagnosis is based off of what I said, without directly observing the process of me poking the nodes, then it could be unreliable.
Maybe he thinks I'm poking them for hours a day when maybe I poke them for minutes. Who knows.
I am the nervous unreliable source. If a diagnosis is based off of what I said, without directly observing the process of me poking the nodes, then it could be unreliable.
Maybe he thinks I'm poking them for hours a day when maybe I poke them for minutes. Who knows.
Well, you told him you poke at your node, and he said poking leads to inflammation. Unless you made up the fact that you have poked it, then its not unreliable.
I'm sure you've seen my many posts; I'm a poster not a lurker but I'm final taking a step toward CBT because I can only go so far on my own.
Less about me as such; point is I had this fear for a long time. One of my first fears tbh. I have a node side of neck size of small grape it moves it's softish and hasn't grown in almost a year. I was in tears at all three doctor visits. My doctor wojldnt let me leave until I was convinced i was ok. He said some of us can feel them and are palpable. My groin, under chin mostly.
Just take doctors advice. I'm a poster who doesn't visit doctors now but I'm sick of it. I had a brief chat with a therapist who said until we seek help we will have endless cycle of symptoms then anxiety them anxiety symptoms and then anxiety. She was probably making a sale but she has a point ha.
Also, anecdotal evidence is important in a situation like this. If I go to the doctor with an extremely swollen knee, and dont tell him I was hit by a baseball an hour early, dont you think Im leaving out really important info?
Well, you told him you poke at your node, and he said poking leads to inflammation. Unless you made up the fact that you have poked it, then its not unreliable.
My doctor poked himself in same place over and over and said 'and now it hurts...' His point being focus and obsession with one thing will cause the aches
Good points from you both.
To Josh - I poked until I bruised. So it seems likely that it could cause swelling.
To Reb - Mine is probably like 6mm x 2mm. What does soft mean to you? Mine feels like a squishy sausage with a firmer center. For sure not hard. If I poke it a bunch, it gets firmer and bigger.
I don't know big mine is but it was enough for me to worry at the time. Tip of pinky and I have tiny hands.
I rang 111, asked my nurse friend, went to two doctors.
It's like a soft grape feel. The fact is hasn't grown and nobody was bothered left me feeling releived. It's stil there now! I had someone tell me off like Fishman who HAD neck cancer (may have even been him, on. Yahoo answers?!) he posted a photo of how bloom in' big it got in weeks and I was shut up.
---------- Post added at 22:23 ---------- Previous post was at 22:22 ----------
Yeah mine got bigger when I poked. I was OBSSESED with this. I measured it all the time. I have them. It's there. I keep eye on it but I guess that's normal.
Mine isn't anywhere near grape. Its like half an index finger in the longest dimension. And I poke it really hard because I can push it against muscle to poke it. So that's why it probably feels firmer to me.
At my worst I was sure I was inside my neck I was poking that much aha.
I'm worried about mine perhaps being too hard. Not sure. I'm 26. So lymphoma is really my only worry. I might feel then before my shower tonight. Gently like the doctor.
Good points from you both.
To Josh - I poked until I bruised. So it seems likely that it could cause swelling.
To Reb - Mine is probably like 6mm x 2mm. What does soft mean to you? Mine feels like a squishy sausage with a firmer center. For sure not hard. If I poke it a bunch, it gets firmer and bigger.
It seems like you're playing some strange game of devil's advocate here. You know what you did. If you poked until you bruised, you can make anything swell. Relax, man!
Thank God for my upcoming psych visit. I'm excited. I want this crap to end.
I palpated the node. I felt it. So I poked with one finger. Could barely find it. I think it's shrinking so I only poked twice. I am feeling better.
---------- Post added at 23:17 ---------- Previous post was at 22:58 ----------
It seems like you're playing some strange game of devil's advocate here. You know what you did. If you poked until you bruised, you can make anything swell. Relax, man!
And yes. I don't even believe what I feel. I overly poke the node because I don't trust what I feel. It's horrible.
that's another thing. you have no accurate way of gauging the size. even if you feel day to day. your anxious mind will automatically tell you its bigger, even if its not.
True. I mean I know it's like 7mm. Could totally be like 3mm. It's probably insignificant in regards to size.
How do you "know"?
---------- Post added at 23:37 ---------- Previous post was at 23:37 ----------
like, it could be 5.25 or 6.378
Yea totally could be bigger. Not sure. But I mean I don't care about the specific size. I just want to know that it goes away.
"Normal" nodes like what's being described are from a few mm to 2cm depending on location and the individual.
Some people feel them, some don't and you don't want them to go away. They are basically the sewer system of your body and help filter harmful things out. Look, I had a total of 25 taken out of my neck, two of which were bigger than golf balls!
Stop poking and prodding, listen to your doctor when he says there's nothing wrong and move on. Get help with your anxiety over something everyone has and needs. It's not cancer... scientific medical tests and medical professionals have discounted it.
Good luck and positive thoughts
If you're in the mm range-that's nothing. My doctor dismisses anything that's not at least a cm and even when it's a little bigger he's not overly concerned. I have many lymph nodes I can feel. Plus, once my lymph nodes enlarge they very rarely go down. It's just what my body does. I have one that is about a cm that I've had for at least 15 years. I'm in my 30s.
Believe me, I've been down the OMG it's cancer road many many times. I'm actually stressing now but typing this to you puts it into perspective.
Thanks all. Yea. It's a weird thing to stress about when I talk to other people. It seems crazy common. Mine was never over a centimeter. So I think it was just doing its job when I got the flu jab.
But since it was a tiny bit larger I noticed it and have the urge to poke it. Never once has it gone over a centimeter. Even poking until I bruised.
I do feel much better today. As I said... I lightly touched the area last night and I couldn't find it. I didn't poke hard so it can continue to get smaller.
---------- Post added at 11:39 ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 ----------
I truly don't understand how health anxiety works though. My family has no history of cancer. No medical history to speak up except higher cholesterol. But here I am worrying. I have only witnessed the death of my great grandparents in my life.
This year I have seen my doctor 6 times. I have been to the Urgent Care 3 times. I have been to a Hematologist/Oncologist 2 times. I have had an abdominal ultrasound, chest xray, sinus xray, 5 CBCs, FISH for CML, Flow Cytometry on my blood to look for clonality related to Leukemia, LDH, and ESR. This all happened in December. Yet I still find one cancer that could evade all of those tests.
Its maddening. My doctor when I brought up the lymph node says he knows I don't have cancer because I have had more blood tests than any of his patients in one year. Ever. He also pointed to the fact that I gained 20 pounds. But I find stories where healthy people have Hodgkin's.
HA sucks.
That's the golden question. If there were an answer, mental illness would be eradicated. Fearing an illness is a legitimate fear. Who wants to be sick, let alone sick with a serious illness? The difference I see is the level of commitment in keeping the fear alive when there's no logical or rational reason for it. It's as if the sufferer grabs onto anything to justify their thought process when it goes against all logic and most times, actual scientific proof. Just think where many would be of they put that same level of commitment into healing.
Positive thoughts
I think that's why I am excited to see a psychiatrist. Perhaps medication will allow positive thinking.
I mean at this point... I feel like this one lymph node should either be multiple enlarged nodes or one large grape size node. I am pretty sure Hodgkin's would have done something in this time thus far.
And its pretty much a guarantee I don't have Lymphoma in my chest, as I had an Xray. I just want this to go away. I want to know that I would be in really crappy shape right now if I had Hodgkin's.
Surely it was the Flu jab? That makes sense right?
I can see why your screen name is "Annoyed"... fitting :) You're still spiraling and going back to questioning your logic and common sense and seeking reassurance. Don't feel bad. It's a very common theme I see on the boards. The fact that you are annoyed bodes well as it shows there's a part of you that clearly knows you're being irrational.
I think therapy and meds if recommended would be helpful in helping you address your reactions to what is clearly a benign issue and help the rational part of you win out over the irrational part of you hanging onto a lie your anxiety is telling you.
Positive thoughts
Medication will be recommended. I'm already in therapy. My doctor tried medications, but was hesitant on prescribing any after a few SSRIs seemed to do very little.
And yes, my screenname reflects how I feel. There are countless posts on this board about lymph nodes. There is evidence every where that I am fine. But I cling to those bizarre stories on cancer boards that prove that I could possibility have Lymphoma.
Surely it would have grown. Surely I would be sick. That's what I think. I cling to the logic until I accidentally or purposely touch the node and start at square one.
Blah. Irrational worries again. This sucks. I know it can't be biopsied cause its too small. My doctor will think I'm crazy if I want an ultrasound.
I can't be happy until i know this isn't lymphoma.
I can't be happy until i know this isn't lymphoma.
You already do know. Scientific medical tests don't lie.
Good luck and positive thoughts
Yea but the nodes there. It's taunting me by being there. My anxious mind hates it. I am positive it's smaller than when I first discovered it. But people say Hodgkin's nodes can get smaller and bigger.
Ive been there. I was convinced I had cervical cancer because I spptted (have done since, common on my pill) and it was around time I had first smear test. I would cry. This was my first taste of health anxiety.. I even remember someone joking to me that once. I knew I was ok Id worry about something else. Oh how we laughed. 8 months on im practically a student nurse the amount ive obssesed and read about and diagnosed self with.
Even now, as I take step to therapy I'm worrying about my sinus thing.
I beleive doctors though I'm just scared to go lately.
I just shouldn't be worried. It's so small. But if I touch it I noet it's there. Surely other people don't just have permanent nodes. Why is this the first time I've ever had one like this?
I do! Me! Is it diagonal from ear? You have one the other side too. As Fishman said these are needed for the body to get rid if all the shit and infections. I don't know how I got over it but I was as OBSSESED as you. Even after doctors. But third time I spoke with someone and the raised 'really' eyebrow when I mentioned lunphoma. He did say I was too young for it.
It's like on the bottom of my neck. Kind of diagonal. And Hodgkin's affects young people albeit it is rare. I am just fixated on it.
Yea but
~sigh~ Oh no... You've got the dreaded "Yea but" disease :weep: The treatment is tortuous and long but with hard work and a positive attitude, it is treatable.
Good luck and as always....
Positive thoughts
Is it worst than the what if disease?
Is it worst than the what if disease?
IMO, "Yeah but" disease is the next stage of "What If" disease and much more difficult to treat. "What if" disease can often be put off with reassurance and many times just goes away on it's own. "Yeah but" disease takes the worry one step further, causes obsessive behaviors and even physical symptoms, and no amount of reassurance or scientific medical tests help dispel the worry. It takes a concentrated effort of mental health professionals and medication regimes but it can be eradicated ;) Think of it like mental chemo....
Positive thoughts
Ha. Pretty funny answer. I appreciate the humor.
I asked my fiancée how she doesn't worry. She just said when she dies she dies. Why worry about it?
How do people think like that? I envy that stress free life.
I'm come to terms with the node a little. After reading the posts on here, and reading other things on line, I noticed phrases like "low prevelance of malignancy" and "rarely malignant."
My anxious mind did skip over those frequently. It's possible I might have this node for the rest of my life. When it first came up it was sore. Its mobile. Its soft. Its tiny. I got three doctors saying its nothing.
I guess I didn't fully understand how common it was.
Still very much excited for my psych evaluation. I'm already in CBT. I feel as though medication will help me a ton.
Did a dumb thing. Came home and looked at Daily Post cancer stories about Hodgkin's. People saying that it started out pea sized.
I felt mine. If I palpate like a doctor, it is for sure smaller than its ever been. I reached in with one finger and poked it and it felt soft. It feels like a tiny ball of muscle, but covered in a squishy outer layer.
I only poked for a little.
Are the chances of having Hodgkin's rare? I think it's like 4 in 100,000 at my age. That's a small chance right?
Ok I am good today.
I learned that Hodgkin's usually forms in the chest. Atleast the subtype that I would get. I had a perfect chest xray in December. So I don't think I can logically worry about this.
Its enlarged because I'm poking.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.