Am I being selfish?

[Beckybecks]

We moved from South Africa to the UK 21 months ago. I left my children behind, my friends, my home and everything familiar. I believed we were coming to a better life as we had experienced a lot of crime and financial difficulties in SA.
I knew I would find it difficult but I tried really hard to settle down and be as supportive to my husband as possible.
We've battle to find accommodatin and work. My husband is stuck in an awful job but feels he has to stay there otherwise we have no income at all.
Currently I am unemployed. Applying for work and mostly not even receiving replies or negative ones only has been such a blow to my self confidence.

Ive always suffered from GAD and HA but it's been so much worse since I've been here. Obviously it's due to our situation and my homesickness. Instead of getting used to our new life and surroundings I just seem to get more homesick, more depressed and more anxious. In turn this is making me ill.

Since things really haven't worked out for us here I feel that we should return to SA where we have family and support and are familiar with the country and people. But I worry that I'm making this decision based on my anxiety and depression. I'm so desperate that I'm looking for a solution and believe that I'll feel better if I can go home.

I would love to suggest this to my husband but worry that I'm just being selfish.
Should I give myself more time? Isn't 21 months long enough?

[Buster70]

Hi , discus it with him he may well feel the same but doesn't want to say either at least you will know how each other feel , it's a problem I have trying to read my partners mind instead of talking , good luck with it

[Beckybecks]

Thank you :)

[NoPoet]

Hi Beckybecks. I had an ex girlfriend who had to flee South Africa due to an abusive husband and police corruption. She brought her kids as they were very young, but had to leave nearly everything else behind.

Coming to live in a new country is a shock in itself. The climate and terrain are very different, the culture is also different. Britain is in the middle of an identity crisis and although it claims to be helping people, our current government is making life extraordinarily difficult for many people. Jobs are very hard to come by, and if you take a "cash in hand" job somewhere, it's likely to be poorly-paid, with no job security, with unpleasant work, and I believe this type of unofficial employment is also illegal (the government doesn't get its cut of your money).

In short, it's no wonder you are struggling. You need to get support in place for every aspect of your life that you're struggling with. First of all, you need to talk to your husband. It doesn't sound like he's too thrilled with his life in Britain. If you agree to stay for a while and try to find a job, you need to consider the following things:

* Get one or more volunteer jobs.

You own't get paid, although the company might cover your expenses. (Most places might buy you lunch and supply cups of tea or coffee for free.) You have a vast amount of choice as many, many companies will accept you if you work for free. You agree your own hours with the company, say three hours a day once or twice a week, and they cannot make you do anything you don't want to do or work longer than you want to.

The advantages of volunteering are significant. You get experience in nearly any job you want, which will massively boost your employability. You can chop and change between who you volunteer for. Occasionally it may lead to the company offering you a job but don't expect this to happen. When you apply for new jobs, they will look very favourably on you if you have given your own time to other companies, and your work experience will be recent. You may make new friends, and it will get you away from your worries for a while.

* Get someone to help you find a job.

There are lots of agencies out there, and as you have been unemployed for more than six months they should be able to help you. You may need to be referred to them via the Job Centre. Bear in mind the Job Centre is pretty awful these days (sorry but any company that tells a disabled person "There's no help for you" can kiss my arse), so you are simply using them to get to someone who can get you a job.

[Beckybecks]

Thank you very much NoPoet, for all that useful information. I will look into the voluntary work positions, although I would prefer to receive some money for working..... :) but it's a good way to meet some people I agree.

I've been on job seekers benefits, we both were, for about six months. I had no luck even though I applied for hundreds of jobs and my husband finally got work so they told us I was no longer allowed to apply for the benefits.

I don't want to sound ungrateful as I really appreciate that the Government helped us while we were trying to get settled. However I had no idea that the job situation would be so tough. We're registered with many employment agencies. I apply for everything suitable but most of the time don't even get a reply.

You're right it has been a huge shock, but I thought I would've got over it by now and since I haven't and it's causing me so much anxiety and misery I've been thinking it might be a good idea to go back to SA now.

Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself into it........