paulina
05-04-16, 13:37
Hi,
I am new to this forum, as I am seeking help from people who experienced similar issues.
I have recently discovered my bf is suffering from anxiety.
We had issues from the very beginning; we started dating when we were still at the university, so in our early 20s. He was very kind and good person (that's why I got interested in him in the first place), but also often very cold (hiding emotions, not great with expressing them) and not very interested in being intimate (he had problems, now I know, due to anxiety).
It made me feel terrible. I did not know what the issue was, as at the time. I had other men interested in me, but I picked him. I started to feel like there was something wrong with me, as he would give me so many excuses, which sometimes would feel very personal and kind of attacking me (that I am too emotional, and he is just aloof from nature; that my sex drive is ridiculous - is asking to be intimate 1 or 2 times a week really ridiculous for a new couple of 20 something year olds?).
It really disturbed me emotionally and I ended it with him after 8 months. I couldn't help feeling like there is something wrong with me. He did become my best friend in the process though, so we spend our last year of university studying together and seeing each other basically everyday. But I saw him as a friend, I felt that even though I still loved him, I could never be in a relationship with him.
After finishing university, we went separate ways - I went to different city to do masters and he stayed at our university to do a PhD.
We were still in touch and we saw each other a few of times during this period. I missed him a lot.
After I ended up working in the same city as he is doing his PhD. Partially cause of him, cause we had obvious bond still going on and I think we released that more and more as we were apart.
We got back together and have been together since then (over 1.5 year now). We have been living together for a year.
Things are as tough as before, but we both grew up and matured since first time, so I am able to manage feeling rejected a bit better. As I started to have more chats (and arguments too, sadly) with him. I started to realise there is something he is not telling me. He was always so closed up and hiding feelings. It was a long process of slowly realising what is the issue. He (partially) admitted he suffers from anxiety. He told me he was this way since he can remember... He also told me he feels awkward in social situations. I knew he is a bit shy and needs a drink to be more comfortable when we go out, but I would have never guessed how uncomfortable those events make him. He masked it so well. He says it feels anxiety all the time, so I can't even imagine how difficult living must be for him and also achieving so much (He gonna get PhD this year!)
After realising all that, I asked him to go to doctor. This was welcomed with great opposition and saying doctors wont fix him as there is not enough money for NHS psychologists and he will just get prescription for drugs, not actual help. He said he will work on it himself. I knew this will end nowhere, but I felt like I nag him too much already. I let it be for some time. It obviously did not help. I got him some self-help books and started reading myself, to understand better what can I do. This led nowhere too. He really didn't want to read the books, but after nagging him again he started reading, but it wasn't much help either.
So I found about direct counselling service at the university he studies. He has a visit in 2 weeks. I had to beg him for 2 weeks to ring them to get appoinment.
I know one visit won't help, he needs a lot of therapy from what he has told me.
Sometimes I just feel like he does not want to get better. I got all this opposition from him when I just try to help, so he can be happier and we can make it work. It really hurts.
It is something new for me, cause I never had this kind of issue myself or dealt with it in my family/friends environment. Could somebody who has some experience advise me if I am doing thing wrong? What else can I do?
It hurts so much sometimes, that I feel like leaving him, but I feel that would be cruel, cause he admitted that I am the person in his whole life that knows most about him and he opened up to me (notice, it took him years and me pushing it to finally reveal his problem).
I feel like he is in denial quite often and tries to ignore it. If he wanted to get better and I could see he is not opposing as he does, I would have never let myself have thought of leaving.
Should I keep fighting or is it lost fight? I lose energy too :( I do not have depression, but feel very upset cause of him very often.
I already take vast majority if not all of our household responsibilities. I cook daily, I do the shopping, I pay all the bills, do laundry, clean. Any event we go to - I plan for. Any weekend we go away I plan it. It gets very tiring.
I though it would help, but it changed nothing. I would do anything to help him.
Please advise me. I will be so grateful for some different fresh perspectives. I have nobody to ask. I know he would get angry if I told anybody from my friends or family. He takes it very personally and does not know people to know. He comes from a very cold and closed up family, that does not share their worries and/or emotions, so I guess that is why he never reached for help sooner :( He probably never had anybody to discuss it with either.
Thank you for reading if you managed to get to the end!
I am new to this forum, as I am seeking help from people who experienced similar issues.
I have recently discovered my bf is suffering from anxiety.
We had issues from the very beginning; we started dating when we were still at the university, so in our early 20s. He was very kind and good person (that's why I got interested in him in the first place), but also often very cold (hiding emotions, not great with expressing them) and not very interested in being intimate (he had problems, now I know, due to anxiety).
It made me feel terrible. I did not know what the issue was, as at the time. I had other men interested in me, but I picked him. I started to feel like there was something wrong with me, as he would give me so many excuses, which sometimes would feel very personal and kind of attacking me (that I am too emotional, and he is just aloof from nature; that my sex drive is ridiculous - is asking to be intimate 1 or 2 times a week really ridiculous for a new couple of 20 something year olds?).
It really disturbed me emotionally and I ended it with him after 8 months. I couldn't help feeling like there is something wrong with me. He did become my best friend in the process though, so we spend our last year of university studying together and seeing each other basically everyday. But I saw him as a friend, I felt that even though I still loved him, I could never be in a relationship with him.
After finishing university, we went separate ways - I went to different city to do masters and he stayed at our university to do a PhD.
We were still in touch and we saw each other a few of times during this period. I missed him a lot.
After I ended up working in the same city as he is doing his PhD. Partially cause of him, cause we had obvious bond still going on and I think we released that more and more as we were apart.
We got back together and have been together since then (over 1.5 year now). We have been living together for a year.
Things are as tough as before, but we both grew up and matured since first time, so I am able to manage feeling rejected a bit better. As I started to have more chats (and arguments too, sadly) with him. I started to realise there is something he is not telling me. He was always so closed up and hiding feelings. It was a long process of slowly realising what is the issue. He (partially) admitted he suffers from anxiety. He told me he was this way since he can remember... He also told me he feels awkward in social situations. I knew he is a bit shy and needs a drink to be more comfortable when we go out, but I would have never guessed how uncomfortable those events make him. He masked it so well. He says it feels anxiety all the time, so I can't even imagine how difficult living must be for him and also achieving so much (He gonna get PhD this year!)
After realising all that, I asked him to go to doctor. This was welcomed with great opposition and saying doctors wont fix him as there is not enough money for NHS psychologists and he will just get prescription for drugs, not actual help. He said he will work on it himself. I knew this will end nowhere, but I felt like I nag him too much already. I let it be for some time. It obviously did not help. I got him some self-help books and started reading myself, to understand better what can I do. This led nowhere too. He really didn't want to read the books, but after nagging him again he started reading, but it wasn't much help either.
So I found about direct counselling service at the university he studies. He has a visit in 2 weeks. I had to beg him for 2 weeks to ring them to get appoinment.
I know one visit won't help, he needs a lot of therapy from what he has told me.
Sometimes I just feel like he does not want to get better. I got all this opposition from him when I just try to help, so he can be happier and we can make it work. It really hurts.
It is something new for me, cause I never had this kind of issue myself or dealt with it in my family/friends environment. Could somebody who has some experience advise me if I am doing thing wrong? What else can I do?
It hurts so much sometimes, that I feel like leaving him, but I feel that would be cruel, cause he admitted that I am the person in his whole life that knows most about him and he opened up to me (notice, it took him years and me pushing it to finally reveal his problem).
I feel like he is in denial quite often and tries to ignore it. If he wanted to get better and I could see he is not opposing as he does, I would have never let myself have thought of leaving.
Should I keep fighting or is it lost fight? I lose energy too :( I do not have depression, but feel very upset cause of him very often.
I already take vast majority if not all of our household responsibilities. I cook daily, I do the shopping, I pay all the bills, do laundry, clean. Any event we go to - I plan for. Any weekend we go away I plan it. It gets very tiring.
I though it would help, but it changed nothing. I would do anything to help him.
Please advise me. I will be so grateful for some different fresh perspectives. I have nobody to ask. I know he would get angry if I told anybody from my friends or family. He takes it very personally and does not know people to know. He comes from a very cold and closed up family, that does not share their worries and/or emotions, so I guess that is why he never reached for help sooner :( He probably never had anybody to discuss it with either.
Thank you for reading if you managed to get to the end!