TieraLR
06-04-16, 01:07
Did I really "beat" it? Does anyone ever get rid of it and never, ever think of it again? Probably not. It's terrible. Scary. Debilitating at times. But I consider myself lucky. I've only suffered for about 6 months. Am I cured? Nope. Is it over? Nope. Am I happy and so much farther than I thought I would be when all these shenanigans started? Yep.
Let me start by saying that the reason I am posting this is because I spent hours and hours (and hours) reading some of the threads on this website while I was flailing in the water, trying to figure out how I was going to live with this curse. I found SO many people who felt just like I did - who went through the same things I was going through - who made it out alive.
Sounds super dramatic, right? But, man, when you're right in the thick of it - sometimes you DO wonder if you'll survive it, or if it'll take over your entire life.
Any of my fellow sufferers can agree when I say that acceptance from others, understanding from others is KEY - and nearly impossible to find. There is just no way that someone who is not suffering could possibly understand what we are feeling. They don't understand that we aren't making it up - we aren't seeking attention - we aren't crazy (although we think we are sometimes.)
Searching the internet for symptoms and causes is usually the worst thing for people like us, am I right?? So how refreshing to come across sites like this - where we aren't being told that we have cancer, or a brain tumor, or stupid, or making it up. Here we can find people who share our harsh, unwanted reality.
As such, I want to add in my two cents. I want to share my story. I want to help someone the way everyone here has helped me. I want to start from the beginning - I want to give you the details.. because that's what matters to us.
"Yes, but did you feel THIS?? Did you think THAT??"
I want just one person to know that it's alright. So here I go --
I've always been a little uptight. Had to be the best at everything, hate to lose. I like things neat and in place. But I was never afraid of being in front of people, being in crowded stores, going somewhere new. Attention never bothered me. Some might even say I'm a bit conceited! So I guess I'm definitely not your typical (stereotypical) anxious person. Yet, here I am.
I went to Germany in September with my boyfriend to meet his mom's side of the family (she lives here in the US, of course, but I had to meet Grandma!)
First time out of the country, first time flying, first time that far away from my family, surrounded by people I didn't know, speaking a language I didn't understand. You probably expect me to say "And that's when it all started.." right?
Nope.
I came back just the same as I had left. And stayed that way for about a month thereafter. My point of talking about my vacation is to highlight how I had the oddest, most bogus onset ever.
I was at home, doing nothing. I had been having trouble sleeping, like big time, so I decided to take one (literally one) tiny puff of Mary J to get me to sleep. I had been doing this for about a week and it was working great! So on this night, I took my one (literally one) puff, smoked a cigarette and drifted off. I woke up just a bit later, though, and my left arm felt completely numb.
I tried to shake it off, but that didn't work. I tried laying in a different position, but that didn't work either. So, I went to my parents! (I mean isn't that what all 27 year olds do when they don't feel good?)
Mom (who knows all too well about this anxiety BS) said "Dear, you probably slept wrong on it." I said, "You're right," and made an about face. No sooner than my back was turned to her, it started. My first ever panic attack. The room spun around me once, very quickly. I turned back around and said "No, something's not right." And that was that. I couldn't breathe (or so I thought - I was actually hyperventilating.) My parents ushered me to sit on the bed. My eyes were suqeezed closed. My dad was standing, holding my right hand. My mom was sitting, holding my left. I just repeated over and over "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God." I remember frantically rubbing my feet forward and backward over the carpet because I was certain that if I stopped moving, I would pass out and I would die. I said "Mom, am I having a heart attack?? Call the ambulance!"
This went on for about 10 minutes. And without my realizing it, my breathing got slower and slower.. closer and closer to normal. My mom asked over and over "Are you with me?" And it got easier and easier to repeat "I'm here." Eventually it slowed enough that I wasn't afraid anymore and I was able to open up my eyes. And there was the world, just as I had left it. My dad holding my right hand, my mom holding my left. By this time, the paramedics had come and checked me out. They said I seemed fine, classic panic attack, but they would take me by ambulance anyway.
I didn't spend much time in the hospital there. They asked a few questions, ran a few tests, and said it's a panic attack. Have a good night.
I went home and went to bed.
The next morning, my alarm went off for work. I reached up to turn it off and noticed that my hand was shaking uncontrollably. I sat up and noticed that I couldn't contain this weird, unwanted energy. I called off.
All I could think of doing that day was running a marathon or curling up in a ball. I chose the latter. The world was so scary that day. All I could think of was having another panic attack. At any time. Based on anything. Every part of my body shook (though not completely visibly.) I couldn't focus on anything but my heartbeat. Anything but my trembling hands. Anything but what was about to go wrong!
This continued for 2 days. On that night, as I sat on the couch, I felt an abundance of this energy creeping back up on me. I wasn't going to hyperentilate, but I was certainly going to lose my mind. I called my mother in to sit with me. She watched as I sat up, and laid down, and went to the door because I was hot, then sat under a blanket because I was cold, then talked and talked about nothing, breathing heavily, never making eye contact. The only time I could settle was to hear her constant voice. She sat and talked (about anything, nothing, how she was going to make spaghetti - every ingredient, every step) until I finally fell asleep.
I went back to the hospital the next day. Although it wasn't as present, the energy never left. They ran some blood tests, said I was super healthy and gave me a script of Xanax.
I went for ice cream with my parents, took a Xanax and slept like a rock.
The next few weeks were torture. I could function. I went to work every day. My performance was lacking. I spent more time than I ever should have looking up symptoms and trying to figure out how to get rid of this shit. Some days, I would take Xanax 3x during a work day (I'm a light-weight. They gave me .25mg - I took half at a time). I was good for nothing. I went to my boyfriend's parents and we had to take dinner to his room because I couldn't even sit with 3 people I knew well. I went to the Dollar General and freaked out in my head because there were so many people - what???
Absolute torture.
At any moment, I was sure to have a heart attack, a brain aneurysm, some tragic disease was surfacing. Why? Who knows, but I was sure of it. And more of the same for weeks.
One thing I knew for sure was that I wasn't going to try anti-depressants. I didn't need those. So when I went to my first psych appointment and he told me I could have my pick of 5 anti-depressents, I picked Prozac because I knew my mom took it before, filled the script, went home and promptly told my parents I had no intention of taking them. Ever. I wasn't depressed.
I started to feel better. I went to a few therapy sessions and boasted that I was dealing with this just fine on my own, non medicated, with simply breathing techniques (which definitely DO help!) I had quit smoking (because one more cigarette was sure to cause my cardiac arrest) and I SURELY had not touched any weed (not that I ever really did in the first place.) I ate only healthy food (because the bad stuff was gonna give me immediate diabetes/high cholesterol/whatever).I went to my PCP and told him the same. He suggested I take Lexapro and referred to it as "my pill" which, to me, means he had some sort of deal and was not prescribing it specifically because he felt it would work well for me and my symptoms. I promptly quit seeing him.
But these were all excuses not to take medicine. Sure, I was much more functional after those first few weeks.. but I was only getting better at hiding the fact that my brain was going at 100Mph at ALL TIMES telling me I was about to die, that my boyfriend was in a wreck if he didn't text me on time, that he just didn't LOVE me anymore, that I was forgetting something, that something bad was going to happen to someone else. Anything. My brain was telling me anything it could to keep me from focusing on anything else.
I continued this way for a few more weeks until I started really, really developing the physical symptoms of anxiety. The heart palpitations that catch your breath. My limbs would go completely numb. My HEART would actually hurt like it was being pricked with a needle. I would get a weird taste in my mouth. I would get weird pings in my head. I would have trouble with memory. I would have to suddenly run to the bathroom. I couldn't stay in one spot for too long. My muscles were spasming. I can't even think of everything else. I couldn't take it. I made an appointment.
Doctor Cho. I know the likelihood of anyone reading this being in my area is slim to none - but please to not EVER go to Dr. Cho at Centerville Clinics, thanks.
I walked in there, said I was suffering with anxiety and that these chest pains (I put my hand over my heart) were really bothersome. He said "You are not having a heart attack, that is the wrong spot. I prescribe Celexa." He would not let me talk (I mean literally cut off my every word). I am not one to back down and I am not overly emotional (at least I wasn't) but right then, I wanted to cry. I just wanted help and he did not hear a word I said. I took his papers, left his office and vowed to never go back to him again. I didn't even bother filling the prescription.
I started searching online to find natrual remedies. F** you guys, I'll do it myself. I came across not smoking (done) healthy eating (done) exercise (wellll...) and magnesium (what??)
So I bought Magnesium. I won't take this time to sing its praises, but check it out. Do your research on Magnesium for anxiety. Thank me later.
But it stil just wasn't cutting it. I made one more appointment based on a recommendation of a friend of mine who also suffers.
He listened to me. He heard me. He prescribed me Celexa.
Fine.
I didn't really have a choice. Let me be clear - quitting smoking, eating healthy, relaxation techniques, drinking lots of water, all these things made NOTICEABLE improvements. Please do them. But there was a point where I had to give in to the fact that I did need just a little more help.
Now - since .125Mg of Xanax makes me feel just fine, I was hoping I could cheat the system and take like half a dose of AD - and guess what, I can! I wanted to do this for reasons such as ramp up and come down withdrawal symptoms and such.
I'll be simple when it comes to my experience on Celexa. I just want to say that I lived through the ramp up and I am fine. I read so many horror stories! Please just give things a try. Everyone reacts differently. Trust me, I was scared to DEATH of taking an AD. I still kinda don't like it, but I feel just fine. As in normal.
I started up 5Mg. I couldn't feel anything for a few days, then I noticed I felt just a bit calmer. I upped it to 10Mg and by the end of that week, I felt zombie-ish. I didn't have any motivation to do anything. I went back down to 5Mg, and I have been fine ever since.
The only memorable side effect I had was a bad headache for about a week while I was on 10Mg. That sucked. Also, I felt like it did something rash to me when I took my first dose - but that is just not likely, and I'm pretty sure I panicked. I will be more than happy to answer any questions about it, I just don't want to dwell on it right now.
I guess the bottom line is this - I was so scared. I was scared to live with it, and scared to fix it. I experienced so many of the side effects, it's not even funny. To the point where you KNOW this just can't be anxiety. I had the EKGs, MRIs, all of it. But you have to dive in, figure it out. Everyone is different, so tweak it til it works. Here is my current anxiety Rx (and I feel 99% back to normal)
-I wasn't eating breakfast. That is a BIG no no! So each morning, I now have a yogurt smoothie and banana
-I eat healthy, balanced meals 5 days a week. I'm talking turkey burgers and brown rice for lunch, small portion dinners. I still don't go wild, but I eat whatever I want on weekends. It balances it out.
-I love Magnesium. My first try was a Magnesium oxide tablet (half a 250Mg) each night. I think it maybe did help me sleep, definitely an overall better feeling after a couple weeks, but I felt there was more to it. I now drink I powdered Magnesium citrate drink every night before bed. Now THAT's the stuff. I'm super relaxed, sleep through the night, and the overall effects after a few weeks are amazing. Barely any anxiety.
-Good ol Celexa. I hated it. I didn't want it. But I accept it now. 5Mg every night
-Yoga. I just started this, but I already feel great. You need to fill up your day. Less time for nothingness. It is where anxiety is born. You don't gotta yoga - just find something to interest you!
-Support. My mother is amazing. I just talk and talk to her about it. My boyfriend is coming around.
-My best advice is to accept it. When you know what it is, you don't have to fear it. You know it's coming and you learn how to turn it around.
It takes time. It takes patience that we sometimes just don't have. But it can be done. Please please please please feel free to talk to me! Ask me questions! Tell me your story!
I will do whatever I can to help.
Let me start by saying that the reason I am posting this is because I spent hours and hours (and hours) reading some of the threads on this website while I was flailing in the water, trying to figure out how I was going to live with this curse. I found SO many people who felt just like I did - who went through the same things I was going through - who made it out alive.
Sounds super dramatic, right? But, man, when you're right in the thick of it - sometimes you DO wonder if you'll survive it, or if it'll take over your entire life.
Any of my fellow sufferers can agree when I say that acceptance from others, understanding from others is KEY - and nearly impossible to find. There is just no way that someone who is not suffering could possibly understand what we are feeling. They don't understand that we aren't making it up - we aren't seeking attention - we aren't crazy (although we think we are sometimes.)
Searching the internet for symptoms and causes is usually the worst thing for people like us, am I right?? So how refreshing to come across sites like this - where we aren't being told that we have cancer, or a brain tumor, or stupid, or making it up. Here we can find people who share our harsh, unwanted reality.
As such, I want to add in my two cents. I want to share my story. I want to help someone the way everyone here has helped me. I want to start from the beginning - I want to give you the details.. because that's what matters to us.
"Yes, but did you feel THIS?? Did you think THAT??"
I want just one person to know that it's alright. So here I go --
I've always been a little uptight. Had to be the best at everything, hate to lose. I like things neat and in place. But I was never afraid of being in front of people, being in crowded stores, going somewhere new. Attention never bothered me. Some might even say I'm a bit conceited! So I guess I'm definitely not your typical (stereotypical) anxious person. Yet, here I am.
I went to Germany in September with my boyfriend to meet his mom's side of the family (she lives here in the US, of course, but I had to meet Grandma!)
First time out of the country, first time flying, first time that far away from my family, surrounded by people I didn't know, speaking a language I didn't understand. You probably expect me to say "And that's when it all started.." right?
Nope.
I came back just the same as I had left. And stayed that way for about a month thereafter. My point of talking about my vacation is to highlight how I had the oddest, most bogus onset ever.
I was at home, doing nothing. I had been having trouble sleeping, like big time, so I decided to take one (literally one) tiny puff of Mary J to get me to sleep. I had been doing this for about a week and it was working great! So on this night, I took my one (literally one) puff, smoked a cigarette and drifted off. I woke up just a bit later, though, and my left arm felt completely numb.
I tried to shake it off, but that didn't work. I tried laying in a different position, but that didn't work either. So, I went to my parents! (I mean isn't that what all 27 year olds do when they don't feel good?)
Mom (who knows all too well about this anxiety BS) said "Dear, you probably slept wrong on it." I said, "You're right," and made an about face. No sooner than my back was turned to her, it started. My first ever panic attack. The room spun around me once, very quickly. I turned back around and said "No, something's not right." And that was that. I couldn't breathe (or so I thought - I was actually hyperventilating.) My parents ushered me to sit on the bed. My eyes were suqeezed closed. My dad was standing, holding my right hand. My mom was sitting, holding my left. I just repeated over and over "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God." I remember frantically rubbing my feet forward and backward over the carpet because I was certain that if I stopped moving, I would pass out and I would die. I said "Mom, am I having a heart attack?? Call the ambulance!"
This went on for about 10 minutes. And without my realizing it, my breathing got slower and slower.. closer and closer to normal. My mom asked over and over "Are you with me?" And it got easier and easier to repeat "I'm here." Eventually it slowed enough that I wasn't afraid anymore and I was able to open up my eyes. And there was the world, just as I had left it. My dad holding my right hand, my mom holding my left. By this time, the paramedics had come and checked me out. They said I seemed fine, classic panic attack, but they would take me by ambulance anyway.
I didn't spend much time in the hospital there. They asked a few questions, ran a few tests, and said it's a panic attack. Have a good night.
I went home and went to bed.
The next morning, my alarm went off for work. I reached up to turn it off and noticed that my hand was shaking uncontrollably. I sat up and noticed that I couldn't contain this weird, unwanted energy. I called off.
All I could think of doing that day was running a marathon or curling up in a ball. I chose the latter. The world was so scary that day. All I could think of was having another panic attack. At any time. Based on anything. Every part of my body shook (though not completely visibly.) I couldn't focus on anything but my heartbeat. Anything but my trembling hands. Anything but what was about to go wrong!
This continued for 2 days. On that night, as I sat on the couch, I felt an abundance of this energy creeping back up on me. I wasn't going to hyperentilate, but I was certainly going to lose my mind. I called my mother in to sit with me. She watched as I sat up, and laid down, and went to the door because I was hot, then sat under a blanket because I was cold, then talked and talked about nothing, breathing heavily, never making eye contact. The only time I could settle was to hear her constant voice. She sat and talked (about anything, nothing, how she was going to make spaghetti - every ingredient, every step) until I finally fell asleep.
I went back to the hospital the next day. Although it wasn't as present, the energy never left. They ran some blood tests, said I was super healthy and gave me a script of Xanax.
I went for ice cream with my parents, took a Xanax and slept like a rock.
The next few weeks were torture. I could function. I went to work every day. My performance was lacking. I spent more time than I ever should have looking up symptoms and trying to figure out how to get rid of this shit. Some days, I would take Xanax 3x during a work day (I'm a light-weight. They gave me .25mg - I took half at a time). I was good for nothing. I went to my boyfriend's parents and we had to take dinner to his room because I couldn't even sit with 3 people I knew well. I went to the Dollar General and freaked out in my head because there were so many people - what???
Absolute torture.
At any moment, I was sure to have a heart attack, a brain aneurysm, some tragic disease was surfacing. Why? Who knows, but I was sure of it. And more of the same for weeks.
One thing I knew for sure was that I wasn't going to try anti-depressants. I didn't need those. So when I went to my first psych appointment and he told me I could have my pick of 5 anti-depressents, I picked Prozac because I knew my mom took it before, filled the script, went home and promptly told my parents I had no intention of taking them. Ever. I wasn't depressed.
I started to feel better. I went to a few therapy sessions and boasted that I was dealing with this just fine on my own, non medicated, with simply breathing techniques (which definitely DO help!) I had quit smoking (because one more cigarette was sure to cause my cardiac arrest) and I SURELY had not touched any weed (not that I ever really did in the first place.) I ate only healthy food (because the bad stuff was gonna give me immediate diabetes/high cholesterol/whatever).I went to my PCP and told him the same. He suggested I take Lexapro and referred to it as "my pill" which, to me, means he had some sort of deal and was not prescribing it specifically because he felt it would work well for me and my symptoms. I promptly quit seeing him.
But these were all excuses not to take medicine. Sure, I was much more functional after those first few weeks.. but I was only getting better at hiding the fact that my brain was going at 100Mph at ALL TIMES telling me I was about to die, that my boyfriend was in a wreck if he didn't text me on time, that he just didn't LOVE me anymore, that I was forgetting something, that something bad was going to happen to someone else. Anything. My brain was telling me anything it could to keep me from focusing on anything else.
I continued this way for a few more weeks until I started really, really developing the physical symptoms of anxiety. The heart palpitations that catch your breath. My limbs would go completely numb. My HEART would actually hurt like it was being pricked with a needle. I would get a weird taste in my mouth. I would get weird pings in my head. I would have trouble with memory. I would have to suddenly run to the bathroom. I couldn't stay in one spot for too long. My muscles were spasming. I can't even think of everything else. I couldn't take it. I made an appointment.
Doctor Cho. I know the likelihood of anyone reading this being in my area is slim to none - but please to not EVER go to Dr. Cho at Centerville Clinics, thanks.
I walked in there, said I was suffering with anxiety and that these chest pains (I put my hand over my heart) were really bothersome. He said "You are not having a heart attack, that is the wrong spot. I prescribe Celexa." He would not let me talk (I mean literally cut off my every word). I am not one to back down and I am not overly emotional (at least I wasn't) but right then, I wanted to cry. I just wanted help and he did not hear a word I said. I took his papers, left his office and vowed to never go back to him again. I didn't even bother filling the prescription.
I started searching online to find natrual remedies. F** you guys, I'll do it myself. I came across not smoking (done) healthy eating (done) exercise (wellll...) and magnesium (what??)
So I bought Magnesium. I won't take this time to sing its praises, but check it out. Do your research on Magnesium for anxiety. Thank me later.
But it stil just wasn't cutting it. I made one more appointment based on a recommendation of a friend of mine who also suffers.
He listened to me. He heard me. He prescribed me Celexa.
Fine.
I didn't really have a choice. Let me be clear - quitting smoking, eating healthy, relaxation techniques, drinking lots of water, all these things made NOTICEABLE improvements. Please do them. But there was a point where I had to give in to the fact that I did need just a little more help.
Now - since .125Mg of Xanax makes me feel just fine, I was hoping I could cheat the system and take like half a dose of AD - and guess what, I can! I wanted to do this for reasons such as ramp up and come down withdrawal symptoms and such.
I'll be simple when it comes to my experience on Celexa. I just want to say that I lived through the ramp up and I am fine. I read so many horror stories! Please just give things a try. Everyone reacts differently. Trust me, I was scared to DEATH of taking an AD. I still kinda don't like it, but I feel just fine. As in normal.
I started up 5Mg. I couldn't feel anything for a few days, then I noticed I felt just a bit calmer. I upped it to 10Mg and by the end of that week, I felt zombie-ish. I didn't have any motivation to do anything. I went back down to 5Mg, and I have been fine ever since.
The only memorable side effect I had was a bad headache for about a week while I was on 10Mg. That sucked. Also, I felt like it did something rash to me when I took my first dose - but that is just not likely, and I'm pretty sure I panicked. I will be more than happy to answer any questions about it, I just don't want to dwell on it right now.
I guess the bottom line is this - I was so scared. I was scared to live with it, and scared to fix it. I experienced so many of the side effects, it's not even funny. To the point where you KNOW this just can't be anxiety. I had the EKGs, MRIs, all of it. But you have to dive in, figure it out. Everyone is different, so tweak it til it works. Here is my current anxiety Rx (and I feel 99% back to normal)
-I wasn't eating breakfast. That is a BIG no no! So each morning, I now have a yogurt smoothie and banana
-I eat healthy, balanced meals 5 days a week. I'm talking turkey burgers and brown rice for lunch, small portion dinners. I still don't go wild, but I eat whatever I want on weekends. It balances it out.
-I love Magnesium. My first try was a Magnesium oxide tablet (half a 250Mg) each night. I think it maybe did help me sleep, definitely an overall better feeling after a couple weeks, but I felt there was more to it. I now drink I powdered Magnesium citrate drink every night before bed. Now THAT's the stuff. I'm super relaxed, sleep through the night, and the overall effects after a few weeks are amazing. Barely any anxiety.
-Good ol Celexa. I hated it. I didn't want it. But I accept it now. 5Mg every night
-Yoga. I just started this, but I already feel great. You need to fill up your day. Less time for nothingness. It is where anxiety is born. You don't gotta yoga - just find something to interest you!
-Support. My mother is amazing. I just talk and talk to her about it. My boyfriend is coming around.
-My best advice is to accept it. When you know what it is, you don't have to fear it. You know it's coming and you learn how to turn it around.
It takes time. It takes patience that we sometimes just don't have. But it can be done. Please please please please feel free to talk to me! Ask me questions! Tell me your story!
I will do whatever I can to help.