rvan
06-04-16, 19:14
Hi everyone,
I am new to this so I apologise in advance if I ramble or anything.
Basically, I have had a rough past, and have had depression before but I Thought I beat it. Due to issues from my past, it meant that I have trouble with relationships and I Run the moment I feel true love for that person or if they show their love for me. I freak out completely. At one point in my past relationship, I ended it because the thoughts wouldn’t stop and it ended up being a huge regret, but I didn’t know at the time that this was down to my illness. We got back together but it didn’t last, even if it went for another few years. I am now with someone whom I have never felt this for anyone before. I truly love this person, and he loves me. Unfortunately, due to the career I want to go into, it means that I am subjected to moving. He lives down south, and for my first job it meant commuting to him for about 3 hours (due to ferries). We ended up making this work so well and it went on for 8 months. I now have an amazing opportunity that’s for the career path I want to work in, however it means 4 hour commute. Surely if I can do the previous one, I can do this, especially if I plan to stay here for only another 4 months. My SO wants me to do this also, and he even said that once he finishes what he needs to do, he can move with me or I move back down if I want to do that. Sounds perfect right?
Only issue is… after I made this move for the second job… my anxiety just hit me like a high speed train. I panicked. ‘Will I lose him?’ ‘Will he stay?’, ‘What if he finds someone better?’, ‘What if he gets fed up?’. This then spiralled to ‘You don’t deserve him.’ ‘You’re better off alone’. ‘You don’t love him’. And now it’s a constant ‘break up with him’, ‘break up with him’, ‘break up with him’. This is down to depression kicking in again. I feel this comfortable dark pit inside and it makes me want to stay there. It makes me want to reject the love he gives me as I feel I just do not deserve it.
It's also getting to the point where it’s comfortable thinking about running away, but when it gets bad I fight it with all my might.
It’s only when it’s subtle and when I am actually ok that it starts making me freak out. Does this go? I seriously hope it does.
Also, with this job, I also don’t want to be here. Originally it’s because I want to spend my life with my SO, but I moved so I can get my independence so we can be secure with each other and he is so incredibly supportive of that. I also moved to get this experience so I can move down and get the job that I really do want. It’s just, I don’t feel *anything*. Nothing for friends, I want to stay inside, I want to sleep (yet I cannot sleep whatsoever), nothing for this job, just… nothing. Fighting for my relationship with my SO is the one thing that is keeping me alive and positive (for the moments that I feel it), but it makes me want to stay comfortable and alone forever.
I know that if I do anything to lose this, it will be the biggest regret of my life and it will happen again and again and again.
I also panic, easily, but I just want to fight this once and for all. I know this is distance temporary which helps but I have had this before with normal (non LDR) relationships. Only difference is, this one, is one I want to fight for. I want to feel what I felt before this panic and just go back to how we were.
My past means that I want to run from something that truly makes me happy, and I’m sick of it. This happens to everything but is latching onto the one thing that I want to fight for. I do not want to ‘give up’ this time round. I put that in speech marks as that’s what my thoughts want me to do all the time but I don’t want to do it now.
Sorry for this read…
Could I have some advice? From anyone? Will this end? Has anyone had this? Could anyone offer any kind of advice?
Thanks,
From someone who wants to get out of this darkness once and for all
I am new to this so I apologise in advance if I ramble or anything.
Basically, I have had a rough past, and have had depression before but I Thought I beat it. Due to issues from my past, it meant that I have trouble with relationships and I Run the moment I feel true love for that person or if they show their love for me. I freak out completely. At one point in my past relationship, I ended it because the thoughts wouldn’t stop and it ended up being a huge regret, but I didn’t know at the time that this was down to my illness. We got back together but it didn’t last, even if it went for another few years. I am now with someone whom I have never felt this for anyone before. I truly love this person, and he loves me. Unfortunately, due to the career I want to go into, it means that I am subjected to moving. He lives down south, and for my first job it meant commuting to him for about 3 hours (due to ferries). We ended up making this work so well and it went on for 8 months. I now have an amazing opportunity that’s for the career path I want to work in, however it means 4 hour commute. Surely if I can do the previous one, I can do this, especially if I plan to stay here for only another 4 months. My SO wants me to do this also, and he even said that once he finishes what he needs to do, he can move with me or I move back down if I want to do that. Sounds perfect right?
Only issue is… after I made this move for the second job… my anxiety just hit me like a high speed train. I panicked. ‘Will I lose him?’ ‘Will he stay?’, ‘What if he finds someone better?’, ‘What if he gets fed up?’. This then spiralled to ‘You don’t deserve him.’ ‘You’re better off alone’. ‘You don’t love him’. And now it’s a constant ‘break up with him’, ‘break up with him’, ‘break up with him’. This is down to depression kicking in again. I feel this comfortable dark pit inside and it makes me want to stay there. It makes me want to reject the love he gives me as I feel I just do not deserve it.
It's also getting to the point where it’s comfortable thinking about running away, but when it gets bad I fight it with all my might.
It’s only when it’s subtle and when I am actually ok that it starts making me freak out. Does this go? I seriously hope it does.
Also, with this job, I also don’t want to be here. Originally it’s because I want to spend my life with my SO, but I moved so I can get my independence so we can be secure with each other and he is so incredibly supportive of that. I also moved to get this experience so I can move down and get the job that I really do want. It’s just, I don’t feel *anything*. Nothing for friends, I want to stay inside, I want to sleep (yet I cannot sleep whatsoever), nothing for this job, just… nothing. Fighting for my relationship with my SO is the one thing that is keeping me alive and positive (for the moments that I feel it), but it makes me want to stay comfortable and alone forever.
I know that if I do anything to lose this, it will be the biggest regret of my life and it will happen again and again and again.
I also panic, easily, but I just want to fight this once and for all. I know this is distance temporary which helps but I have had this before with normal (non LDR) relationships. Only difference is, this one, is one I want to fight for. I want to feel what I felt before this panic and just go back to how we were.
My past means that I want to run from something that truly makes me happy, and I’m sick of it. This happens to everything but is latching onto the one thing that I want to fight for. I do not want to ‘give up’ this time round. I put that in speech marks as that’s what my thoughts want me to do all the time but I don’t want to do it now.
Sorry for this read…
Could I have some advice? From anyone? Will this end? Has anyone had this? Could anyone offer any kind of advice?
Thanks,
From someone who wants to get out of this darkness once and for all