Is this thought disorder? [Archive]

CArl_34_m_UK

09-04-16, 15:41

Hi everyone.. I need help with getting someone to understand what my problem is..

ok so a little background...

Just over a month ago I mad a huge mistake and did some cocaine after too much to drink. I have done it in the past but nothing regular and only when offered it after too much to drink. I know it's wrong but and will never do it again but the last time I did it, I had a huge mental anxiety attack\panic attack that has never left me. Or is some physical damage done? I mean I have had this feeling constantly.. not on and off. I have seen 2 psychiatrists and am due to start therapy.

It's been about 5 weeks now and symptoms have changed over time but wheat is now preventing me from living a normal life is some sort of either thought disorder or what seems to me to be some realization about 'time' that there is no answer to.

As time passes, the moment that was once the present becomes part of the past; and part of the future, in turn, becomes the new present. In this way time is said to pass, with a distinct present moment "moving" forward into the future and leaving the past behind.

My mind is in a constant agonizing mental block, trying to make sense of this continual change in events and time. I meant constantly!

This all started with a simple movement of my hand, which my mind then questioned.. where did that movement go? It has disappeared but where has it gone?

This is being applied to every single moment of my day to day life – constantly. It’s like my mind cannot grasp the concept of this continual change is what is present. There is no way to answer this. This is life yet my mind is no longer satisfied with this simple answer. I’m stuck in this paradox of being alive having to live with this.

I can no longer let my mind go to my memory or think of ‘past’ events as I just cannot make sense of it. The same applies to future. I cannot think of the ‘future’ because it is no longer simple – my mind cannot make sense of it

It causes a feeling of panic and intense insanity. I have lived the past month having to block out every part of my mind as there is no escape from this – this is reality. How do I escape reality? Or how can I cope with how I now perceive life? It is such a drastic change\state of mind that it has completely consumed my life and is now a constant state of mind.
I know that this is irreversible. It’s like a realisation that I just can’t make sense of, rather than a thought process. I feel trapped inside my own body and there is nothing I can do. I feel ‘stuck’ with having to be alive because I cannot make sense of what I’m feeling and I don’t actually like the concept of being alive!. My mind cannot escape from itself, nor cannot I simply think of something else. This whole concept\ realization has detached me from reality and I cannot remember what life was like before this. Part of my brain\mind is running on autopilot with the way it has known life to be for 34 years but in parallel to that, he other part is trying to battle against itself, as if it is trying to stop itself. Like trying to stop a moving train.
I feel like life as I knew it has gone and I can’t ‘unsee’ this.
Any ‘normal’ part of life has now become irrelevant – children, partner, family, work, eating, drinking, sleeping. Everything is a constant reminder of what ‘life’ now is to me – just one continual change that my mind cannot accept

I need help to at least cope with this or rid me of the constant feeling of insanity. The anxiety, feeling of panic, feeling trapped with being alive is at the surface of my mind and body constantly and has been for 5 weeks. It is mental torture.

I know this is a long post but I need serious help. It's become a physical feeling in my mind and I feel as though I'm being forced against my will to live with something that I cannot accept\understand.
This is not an 'on and off' thought process. It has consumed me and like feels like a realization about life itself. I'm actually hating being alive because it all seems so complicated now.

When my children (or anyone) talk to me for example I'm not focused on what they are saying rather wondering where the constant movements of their mouths are disappearing to. I cannot explain the mental agony of this - my mind trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle constantly.

I need someone to understand what I'm trying to describe here. I hope and pray this is something which can be treated - it has stripped me of my whole life

PanchoGoz

09-04-16, 16:54

Hi there. I've had similar thoughts, and have sometimes wondered about this past, present and future thing. I haven't been stuck with it like you have, I've been stuck with other odd thoughts and realisations.

Remember that the more you try not to think about something, the more it comes into your head. You're very very scared of being stuck like this so you strive to take your mind off it, but in order to do that you have to bring these thoughts to mind so that you know what you want to avoid, if you see what I mean. You're body is trained to react to this thought with fear and so you it goes round and round.
You have a normal healthy mind! You're aware of this problem and you're scared of it, and that means you're normal. One day you will forget this and it will be in the past. Just let the fear come in and go through you, don't put any blocks up. Also you could have a word with your doctor to discuss treatment options, you might find CBT very helpful.

I hope you find some comfort from this

CArl_34_m_UK

09-04-16, 21:14

Firstly thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have been battling this on my own for 5 weeks and you have given me some hope in the scariest time of my entire life.

My biggest fear is that for some reason this whole new realisation is something that will not go away. I know my mind will never accept it and it is the only thing causing me mental agony. My mind is literally trying to constantly stop time almost, rather than just accept life how it is. Like trying to stop a speeding train with your bare hands.
I have always been a deep thinker and I feel it's turned on me in the worst possible way because there is no escape from life itself so how do I deal with that?

Is there any likely hood of this being anything else? I'm genuinely concerned I've triggered something and that no one will understand how deep it is. Illegal drugs can damage your mind so what if my drunken mistake has ruined my mind and life? What are the possibilities here?
I'm due for some cbt for this but the therapist I'm due to see is away for 2 weeks typically so I'm unable to start anything yet.
Thanks again

PanchoGoz

09-04-16, 22:00

I can say with near certainty that it is just anxiety and nothing else - there's nothing else it can be. You must find that there are some times in the day this goes away, even just for a couple of minutes? If you can think of times it hasn't been happening because you've been distracted, you can use that as proof it's just anxiety.
You won't be stuck like this forever because the mind will eventually get bored of this state - it has to. Many years ago I had a pervading fear of tetanus and thought I would never ever recover because it was ingrained into me. It went after a few months and I never thought of it again. It was replaced with other fears to be fair, deeper existential ones.
This is just a phase that you are going through and it will pass, however hopeless it feels right now. I know how how horrible it is and a lot of us here will be able to empathise, you really feel utterly trapped. Try to distract yourself as much as possible. It's hard to see things another way when you've got so used to this new state of thinking so don't try to force it. Go along with it, and if you actually try to engage with it more, you might find it lessens. Your mind will get bored quicker if you help it along! That may sound unbearable right now but you will gradually desensitize. You'll get there, it's just anxiety :)

Phuzella

09-04-16, 22:19

Have you ever looked into meditation, mindfulness, that kind of thing?

CArl_34_m_UK

10-04-16, 05:01

I will be honest and it never has truly gone away since it started..not for a moment of distraction. I just cannot make sense of life and the constant change of time and what is an ever changing present. It has definitely gotten worse and I'm unable to sleep to even escape. I'm on my 4th consecutive day of no sleep which is also concerning me. How long can a human go without sleep? I can't even remember what tiredness feels like l it's been so long. My mind is constantly wired with trying to accept that I'm stuck like this.
I think one of the biggest issues is for me personally, this is as scary as it gets. This is not being able to accept life itself rather than some thought process in day to day life.
To be afraid of getting ill or losing a loved one seems like heaven right now. This just feels too deep to go away. I can't even cry because that is such a simple emotion and my problem is on another level to things so normal as that.
I think as this is the scariest possibility for me, that I'm concerned my mind won't allow itself to change to something more relieving. I just can't snap out of it for a second and I honestly can't remember what it feels like to be who I was without this. I've become scared of life and even existing

MyNameIsTerry

10-04-16, 05:51

You want the DP/DR board for this, I've seen others talk about things similar. One has recently come back and started a thread so it would be worth having a read. Pancho has been through some of this and has given you advice & explanation but perhaps if you see what others are saying, you might look at this differently?

The reason I say that is because whilst this is the scariest thing possible to YOU, I've seen others describe many different things that are the scariest things to THEM. And the feeling of insanity I can certainly understand as I was lost to hundreds or OCD compulsions a day a few years back and guess what? Yes, I said exactly what you just have - I can never get even the tiniest bit better, I'm cursed for life. Been there, done that, come out the other end and realised how I thinking was flawed because I was trapping inside such a horrible situation. Several years on and thing are much different. I can say this to people, just as many of us on here can.

24/7, I understand. My primary disorder is GAD and it has been non stop at the worst stages. There was no respite in the day, ever. Only sleep was respite and we can't be conscious during that to feel it. I just fought on through the day hoping it would soon be over.

24/7. Have you heard of Sensorimotor OCD? A typical example of it is feeling you have to control every breath you ever take. However, the subconscious always controls breathing so these people have to sleep at some point despite being afraid too. A test for them in CBT (Behavioural Experiment) is to hold their breath for as long as possible. At some point their subconscious takes over and forces them to gasp for air. They didn't do that.

The same applies to anything 24/7 like this really. We can't see how we can change, but we can.

If you look at the DP/DR board you will find people who don't quite fit to the standard impression we have. For instance, those who believe they are travelling between dimensions or those that believe they have woken up (like The Matrix) and now can't accept life as it is. The latter is very similar to part of your theme.

These people often find DP/DR is a result of severe panic or emotional trauma. You have had a panic event. DP/DR is a form of escape from the trauma (not quite like Dissociation though) and it can be extreme too. I know others on here who have found it extreme, but it does go away as Pancho says. Because of the traumatic circumstances that created it, the body is on a very high alert stage and tries to retreat away and in time it will desensitise and return back down. That's what I've seen in a few people I know on here who have been through it anyway and Pancho seems to be stating the same or similar.

There are ways to work on this. Acceptance, exposure work, Mindfulness, etc. Nothing is quick or easy though, or painless (emotionally) with these disorders.

I can't say for sure this is an anxiety disorder BUT I say this for a reason. It's NOT a Thought Disorder, if you look at the criteria for them what you have explained is nowhere close to any of the criteria. AND you are not suffering delusion either or psychosis for that matter, you really wouldn't be on here if you were - you would be lost inside it. In delusion you wouldn't fight it at all either, you would believe it no matter how much evidence was put in front of you.

Thought Disorders mean more complex treatment. You've seen two psychiatrists, both trained to diagnose the various disorders that come under this medical Thought Disorder banner, they haven't diagnosed you with them, have they? What did they diagnose? With a Thought Disorder, I would certainly expect some meds of some sort.

Thought Disorder is a wide ranging bracket and it can cover areas of other mental health disorders. This is why I say I can't say for sure whether it's an anxiety disorder, but I would agree with Pancho that it is a definite strong possibility. Depression is covered under some of the criteria that can present in Thought Disorders, for instance. Along with depression there are ones more connected to being a Thought Disorder e.g. bipolar, manic disorders, etc.

Another possibility could even be a DP/DR disorder. It's NOT a Thought Disorder, it's a Neurotic Disorder which is the overall category that all anxiety, Acute Stress Reaction, PTSD, adjustment disorders, etc all fall under. It's not Acute Stress Reaction though, that only lasts a few days.

So, something of an anxiety, panic or depression related theme seems most likely. There's obviously the same style of thinking seen in anxiety & panic disorders. All of this moves things away from what you were fearing towards something more commonly seen on here. I mainly said "not sure" because of the possibility of a DP/DR disorder, which as said before is in the same main category with anxiety disorder anyway.

Have a scan at the DP/DR board. I mean no disrespect to Pancho's excellent posts, and I know Pancho has helped many on here understand this too, but I just know I've seen a few people raise threads with themes that seem to crossover with yours and Pancho came back on here after then so may not have seen some of them. A few members spring to mind. I think they may just help you understand it a bit more but they really will only be adding to what Pancho is telling you. I bet Pancho will know of some too with being around here longer. I wonder if all of this will help you to accept it more for what it is and worry less about it being something more sinister, which it isn't? You are fighting it right now and as Pancho said, it doesn't work. It's the same for all anxiety disorders, challenging in positive/neutral ways works, as does acceptance and observation, but fighting against it so that it scares you is a negative and negative feeds negative with disorders of this nature.

CArl_34_m_UK

10-04-16, 08:30

Wow thank you so much for all the effort you've put in to that response!
I did not expect the feedback that I've read from you guys and I cannot express how grateful I feel for someone to put that much effort in to a response and I want that to be very clear :):yesyes:

I will say that before this new symptom of being scared of life\time\exisiting\constant change in the state of time, I definitely had (have albeit with this new symptom) DP\DR. I knew nothing about it and only after matching my symptoms to others on forums did I realize what I had. That actual feeling doesn't feel so strong now as my whole mind is consumed by what I have now. The first DP/DR was a case of feeling detached and in a day dream etc etc. Now with what I have now it has removed that. The psychiatrist I saw said it had DP/DR also but I didn't have enough time to focus on the main life affecting issue I have now. I only had an hour and after he'd gone through my background\life story, I didn't have time to stress that what I'm feeling right now is what I need help with. I have some CBT in about 2 weeks so I'm hoping I can try to explain then - although I don't know how I will make it that long.
I am due to be prescribed an anti psychotic next week hopefully which I've been told will help too after taking it for 2weeks to feel the effect. He thinks it's obsessive thinking which I can understand to a certain extent but the thing that I think is affecting me most is getting a psychiatrist to realize that even that fact he is talking to me is freaking me out inside. Like that the constant movement of his mouth and words is exactly what my problem is. Or the disappearance of his words as soon as they have been said. I think this is part of what scares me, that I'm in a total paradox of being unable to be helped as the actual task of understanding the help being given, is unable to be absorbed due to the problem I have.

I have tried the acceptance thing when this first started but the complete terror and panic of it when I let it through was so much that I felt I should self admit myself to a mental health ward. It is mental agony for my mind to try and find an answer to life itself that is just not there. It's like being forced to solve a puzzle that cannot be solved with a gun to your head. And there is no end to it once it starts as every movement you do during the panic and terror is actually making it worse. As extreme as it sounds, the only solution to being scared of life itself is to end it. I know that is normally associated with depression but this is logically. There is this realization about life which I cannot make sense of and in turn has made me not like the concept of being alive

I do feel it's too much to be able to get someone to understand if I'm honest but I have to hope that I'm able to during the CBT.

Also - does anyone know how long it is possible to not sleep for? I'm on day four with no sleep and my brain is completely alert on adrenaline due to this as it really is 24\7. Even the concept of sleep freaks me out and is part of being alive.
Every movement\breath in bed is reminding me that I'm alive and time\movement is disappearing in to thin air which I cannot make sense of and it's constant panic

PanchoGoz

10-04-16, 10:13

Sleep will come, you will just fall asleep at some stage, you can't put yourself in any danger by not sleeping for a few days. Your body will sort that out for you. I know it's so hard to explain and no one will be able to fully experience what you are experiencing. For now, at least this thought process is something you could live with temporarily, as it's just thoughts, you're not in any physical danger and things can carry on much as normal. Try to reduce that adrenaline by letting your body go floppy as many times as you can remember, unhunch your shoulders, relax, examine your breathing and breathe from your belly, not your upper chest and shoulders. Simulate relaxation, sit down with some crisps in front of the telly or something, even if it feels impossible, just pretend and try to kid your body into relaxation.
Some examples of other members with similar problems as Terry mentions:
Constantly thinking about existence
Unable to escape from reality
Fear of universe
Senserometer anxiety as Terry said
Feeling like the tongues it too big for the mouth (again a constant worry)

All these things were someone somewhere's biggest fear and most terrifying worry, but it's different for everyone. Different scenarios but same fight or flight reaction.

CArl_34_m_UK

10-04-16, 14:01

I know it is hard to understand but I'm scared to watch tv or do any normal distracting activity..

Seeing all movement on tv and people moving around just irritates my perception and the ongoing problem I'm having to live with.

I like if someone walks from one side of the screen to the next then my mind is trying to make sense of where that time has gone. I literally cannot distract myself from it. I can't distract myself from 'life' and what that comes with. This is my paradox with this.. there is no escape. I feel like it's more than anxiety.

Thank you so much again for the advice

LiveAboveIt

10-04-16, 20:13

That's the problem, buddy. You fear it. As much as you fear watching TV or doing these things, you need to force yourself to do them anyway. This is how you will slowly begin to lower your anxiety, by showing your mind that there is nothing to be afraid of. Work on these things first before you try to figure out how to stop thinking about life/time, as living despite the anxiety will lower your overall anxiety level as you manage to conquer different fears. Your fear is going to be there regardless, so just try. It's the whole idea behind exposure therapy.. Right now your mind is wired to fear these things, but if you continue to do them regardless, it will force your mind to secondguess whether these are actually worthy of threat and with each success of doing these things anyway, it will begin to chip away at your overall anxiety.

You will find that as your anxiety lowers, the thoughts will begin to carry less and less weight. You won't ever figure out why you fear time/movement, as it really doesn't matter, it's just your mind becoming chaotic because of the severe levels of anxiety will honestly will become less intense on their own in time, even if you can't see any way out in the present moment.

I've had a very similar issue as you.. I was stuck in my mind, felt unreal and was constantly questioning EVERYTHING in life, it was almost a fixation on some sort of Nihilistic thought process.. I couldn't find a POINT to anything and did not believe I was real, or anything else around me. I couldn't make sense of how I felt or why I felt so confused and unreal. All I did was try to figure it out and panic in circles and this honestly does nothing, the anxiety tricks you into thinking that you need to figure out why you feel this way and how to remedy it, anxiety puts your mind into a problem solving state.. But what you need to realize is that this is JUST anxiety, it causes you to think all sorts of craziness, including thoughts that dont make sense at all. The best thing you can do is accept that it is anxiety, accept that you feel this way, and try to focus on the fact that nothing else matters.. The thoughts are all bluffs, being afraid of time/movement is just an overactive mind and severe anxiety.

The hardest part is accepting that it's just anxiety and not something existential that nobody has ever suffered with before and it convinces you that there is no way out. It takes time and might not work immediately because your mind and body are used to being stuck in this state/way of thinking, but if you constantly challenge your thoughts and remind yourself that it is JUST anxiety and the thoughts don't actually matter, you will slowly chip away at the armor.

Time hasn't changed, movement and words are not suddenly disappearing. This is your mind being in a state of extreme anxiety and it's attaching to ANYTHING because it's trying to find a threat. It managed to catch on to a thought that ran through your mind about time/reality/movement and has since attached itself because you fear it.

Every single person that goes through this believes that they will be forever stuck in this state.. EVERY SINGLE ONE. It's just a part of anxiety and it WILL pass, even if you can't learn to find acceptance. Just like another poster said, your mind will eventually become bored/used to this state, the mind is incredible at adapting to situations overtime, even if you refuse to believe it.

You've got this, man. You aren't alone and it won't last forever, I promise.

CArl_34_m_UK

11-04-16, 10:04

Thanks for taking the time to reply!
I have taken on board everything you've said (and everyone else also). It has helped. I'm not sure how right now, maybe it's just the words of support and knowing that these things are understood. I'm really interested to know what the therapist will make of it and if he's heard of this particular thing before. I guess there are thousands of variables which make up 'anxiety'.
I know what is causing me the most pain is that one half of my mind is trying to fight against the other. Like one half is running along with life as normal but the other half is trying to make sense of one thing and before it can even try, then another change has occurred. If effect one half of my mind just wants life to stop and it won't. I know that makes no sense but it is very real for me and I can't explain how mentally agonising that constant conflict is. I do know it's anxiety but at the same time I don't know how to 'unsee' this.
I will take your advice with the tv etc and try to force my mind out of it.
A huge part of it is that there is no answer to what I'm being bothered by. That relief of someone answering a question that troubles you will never come. Even sleeping freaks me out now!
Cheers guys you seem to know what you're talking about

LiveAboveIt

11-04-16, 20:01

How are you doing, Carl? Im stuck thinking about how strange life feels and cant seem to get the anxiety off my mind at all, just constant anxious thoughts pushing through. Wish I wasnt so aware of not wanting the thoughts, so I wouldnt struggle against them so much.

Do you struggle with this as well? Have you managed to find any respite?

Mojo61

13-04-16, 20:34

You will eventually come to accept that there is no answer to your question, just like you accept the fact that the universe is endless - how can anything be endless, but we accept that it is and we don't bother our brains trying to understand the unfathomable.

CArl_34_m_UK

13-04-16, 21:18

Hi liveaboveit .. yes I definitely do have all sorts of thoughts about how strange life is. So much so that I've been hit with constant anxiety about everything
Mostly for me is the constant change of what is 'present' and the fact that it instantly becomes 'past'. The continuation of this has me on the verge of insanity 24x7. I wish this had never crept in to my head because when you are almost disturbed by life itself, it becomes mentally agonising.
I have been told by a psychiatrist consultant that it is obsessive thinking. It can be treated with meds and/or therapy so if you can ask for help then do it asap. I feel mine won't go away as I now see life in a whole new aspect but who knows. I don't get any respite but I have no choice but to live with it. I would swap for a physical injury any day. At least I could still laugh and be the same person but this has taken the 'me' out of me, literally overnight and my family and friends are so worried. I was the life and solenoid parties and cracking jokes. Now I'm just a walking human shell. It's terrifying

---------- Post added at 21:18 ---------- Previous post was at 21:12 ----------

You will eventually come to accept that there is no answer to your question, just like you accept the fact that the universe is endless - how can anything be endless, but we accept that it is and we don't bother our brains trying to understand the unfathomable.

Mojo61 I do hope you're right. I think it's the fact I've stumbled across something that cannot be answered that causes as as much, if not more mental pain than the actual issue. I don't why my mind chose to wonder where time and movements disappear to and that everything is this non stop constant change. You're correct, we don't bother our brains trying to understand the unfathomable but for some reason my brain is not satisfied with leaving this alone. I do hope the day comes once and for all. I hope we all can return to happy place as soon as possible :)

MyNameIsTerry

14-04-16, 05:43

LiveAboveIt

18-04-16, 06:29

Once you've been on here a while, Carl, you will be able to say you have seen many people say exactly what you are saying here - I can't see a way out of this.

A few years ago I was stumbling through my days touching so many objects and performing tons of rituals thinking I had no choice and all the while my anxiety was terrible. I used to walk along roadsides thinking "I hope that lorry veers off" but as mood changes you realise it's just part of the condition and born out of being sick of being in constant mental pain, the same happens in physical pain conditions too. We don't want what those thoughts say, it's just getting us down too much at that moment.

I can remember having many days where I would think I was cursed to be spending my days like that for ever. Guess what? I'm not anymore! So, when I see anyone saying this on here I know from my own experience that it's just the stage at the time and once you find your way out of that stage you will look back on and know how wrong your thinking was about it.

Right now you feel you have woken up to a new realisation about the world. You haven't. The world was always the same. The problem is the obsessive thinking and probably the neurotransmitters behind it causing constant thinking. This can all be tackled.

I used to think how you are about "waking up" because of my intrusive thoughts. Now I have full control over those thoughts, they know longer make me anxious or control me. I believe, and this is only my thoughts, that once you realise intrusive thoughts you will feel them more than someone who hasn't had the experience of truly experiencing them. I feel them in a more vivid way than before. So, perhaps something has changed BUT this is a nothing like how I was feeling when they owned me.

I feel like Im on a very similar path as your past, Terry. Im struggling with OCD Tendencies and Intrusive Thoughts for the first time in my life. Much like Carl, I cant stop overthinking and being overly aware of reality and the strangeness of my thinking. It does feel like my thoughts control/own me and vice versa.

How do you work through this and become healthy? It feels like my brain is permanently screwed up. My main goal is to be okay with the thoughts and not be bothered by the meta thinking state that I am stuck in. I fall off quie a bit, but I keep on teying because I dont really know what else to do.

Im hoping that this us Citalopram withdrawal, but I cant see this ever just stopping and my mind not thinking this way. Even if its not withdrawal, I just need to figure out a way to cope with this. Hopefully time heals all things.

CArl_34_m_UK

19-04-16, 11:27

Well I've been on olanzapine for a week now and I'm not really sure what I should expect to feel.

The thought\feeling of being alive is still here as much as it was. I still hate the fact the my mind chose this as it's obsessive thought. I mean this is the very top of the ladder! Every other thought\emotion is below life itself. This feeling of being 'stuck' with being alive. It's like I have no choice - you're either alive or not. I suppose the only upside is that I'm not capable of 'rational fears' as my mind is pre occupied with the fact that I'm alive and exist. I saw a different therapist yesterday who didn't understand the concept of this. Or if he did then he just dismissed it as nothing but the truth it this is controlling everything. Everything he said was completely irrelevant as I need to deal with being alive before trying anything below that.
I'm just relying on time now and hopefully the medication with stop this way of thinking. I was hoping the therapist would understand but that got shot down

CelticZebra

20-04-16, 21:25

i wonder if I can suggest some reading material?
The power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Really helped me after I quit alcohol and my GAD resurfaced along with other things.
The Olazapine will probably take effect within 2 weeks and should hopefully start to help your brain 're-wire' it's neural pathways.
Alcohol is more dangerous to the mind than some illegal drugs... Just because they are legal doesn't make them safe!
Meditating and being in nature are useful coping tools when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety, as is looking at slow moving things, like the stars at night or listening to soothing music.
It's a chemical reaction in the brain which will take time to heal and recover from... I hope you can get some sleep which generally helps, I find.

LiveAboveIt

27-04-16, 22:14

Just checking in. How are you doing, Carl?

Im struggling with something very similar.

CArl_34_m_UK

28-04-16, 08:00

Hi LiveAbove it. Firstly thanks for asking..

Well I will be honest (and I know how easy it is to think negative when battling anxiety) I don't feel a whole lot different yet. I've been on olanzapine for just over 2 weeks and I just cannot see a way out of this perception I have of life. As crazy as it sounds to others.. I'm in a constant freak out about being alive. No matter what I'm doing each day, it is always clouded by this anxiety and it's turned in to being scared of being alive! I mean how do I deal with that? I'm stuck being alive..
I have been searching and searching for anything relating to this and cannot find anyone who has experienced exactly this. It's mentally paralyzing stuck in this paradox with not one minute of respite for nearly 2 months now.

I'm very interested to hear what it is that you are experiencing. If you have time, please try and explain in more detail.

One question for the more experienced people on here.. I have been reading up on Cognitive Distortion...
This seems to fit around what has happened to my mind and thoughts. Would I be correct in saying this is a possibility?

jonstannes

28-04-16, 14:15

Try cutting out wheat in your diet (google wheat intolerance) not saying work for you but did for me worth a try will take 2-3 days for you to start feeling better.

MyNameIsTerry

29-04-16, 09:06

One question for the more experienced people on here.. I have been reading up on Cognitive Distortion...
This seems to fit around what has happened to my mind and thoughts. Would I be correct in saying this is a possibility?

In my opinion you won't find an anxiety sufferer without problems with Cognitive Distortion, it's just negative thinking styles that are known to be in mental health disorders.

I learnt them from my local charity walk-in groups as we would do a CBT based module each session. I found the way to learn how to apply them to myself was to use them on here when reading peoples threads so I could pick out their distortions, it's pretty easy once you learn. This helped me deal with the harder task of spotting my own and heading them off.

So, yes it's a possibility. If you are thinking that your thinking processes have been changed permanently, then they haven't as these distortions are learnt behaviour hence we can learn to reverse them.

In what way do you believe you are experiencing them? This could be useful to you to work out as it will help you come up with ways to recognise & head it off in the future. There are specific Thought Records that can be used in CBT to tackle them and these could be something you could work with.

CArl_34_m_UK

29-04-16, 10:52

LiveAboveIt

30-04-16, 00:23

I don't feel like my mind will allow itself to go back to how it used to function and think.
It's as if it has unlocked this whole new perception and to go back to how I used to think is almost naive. It's like my mind has seen this new 'light' and this is now what is normal.
My autopilot mind is talking but this feels over powering to everything. Can this be undone? My mind had gone so deep in to itself and complicated life and time and existence.
'Life' and this continual change in time and everything constantly becoming past is being applied 24x7 down to every movement. How others see it now and how I used to be before I realised this just seems so naive and I feel like my thoughts are now correct. To go back to how it used to be would be naive and incorrect. I need to be taught/brain trained to say that this is wrong.
My biggest hurdle is what I'm thinking is not untrue. My mind had latched itself on to the constant change in time and the present instantly becoming past. I don't know what my mind wants from it but it's as if it is not satisfied and wants time to stop. Obviously it won't but I can't make sense of 'being alive'

I can completely relate to the way that you feel.. My issue is a bit different, but sounds like it feels very similar.. Thinking is my problem. Thought terrifies me in a way that I cannot describe. The fact that we are not in control of all of our thoughts and some are automatic.. I dont know why but my mind has become hyperaware of all and any thought. The inability to completely control it is terrifying to me. I look at other people and wonder if any of them have this strange realization about thought and I dont know how to just go with the flow anymore. I question each thought that I have, wondering if its mine, automatic or otherwise. I have brief moments where I forget and act normal, but when I catch myself thinking.. it almost sends me into a panic and I want to control/stop thinking, mainly focused on inner dialogue.

I have no idea how else to explain it and I dont know why my brain is so fixated on thought. Ive literally gotten to the point where I dislike thinking, as it usually has to do with my anxiety or about thought itself, so Im in a near constant state of panic.

This problem makes it very difficult to connect or focus on the real world, because it makes me feel stuck in my head. This has also become a fear and Ive begun to wonder what the meaning of life is. Everything feels so surreal and almost meaningless when you are in a state like this.

Anyway, they have me on 25mg of Sertraline and .5mg Clonazepam twice daily. Only Day 3, but I hope this helps. Im so tired of being aware of thought and thinking about it all day long.

Im beginning to doubt if you can actually switch your mind out of these states to the point that you can no longer relate to how irrational your fear was. Or are we just destined to feel like this while trying to practicing knowing we are wrong.

Its like.. even knowing that thought is normal and nothing is wrong with it, I cant help but feel afraid and foreign towards it. Hopefully just anxiety?

MyNameIsTerry

30-04-16, 06:40

I don't feel like my mind will allow itself to go back to how it used to function and think.

Well there's Cognitive Distortion straight away. The evidence is that the mind frequently changes throughout life including in physical structure. Emotional Reasoning, Filtering, Jumping To Conclusions including Fortune-Telling, Magnification and Minimisation including Catastrophizing, Overgeneralisation, All-Or-Nothing Thinking.

It's as if it has unlocked this whole new perception and to go back to how I used to think is almost naive. It's like my mind has seen this new 'light' and this is now what is normal.
My autopilot mind is talking but this feels over powering to everything. Can this be undone? My mind had gone so deep in to itself and complicated life and time and existence.
'Life' and this continual change in time and everything constantly becoming past is being applied 24x7 down to every movement. How others see it now and how I used to be before I realised this just seems so naive and I feel like my thoughts are now correct. To go back to how it used to be would be naive and incorrect. I need to be taught/brain trained to say that this is wrong.
My biggest hurdle is what I'm thinking is not untrue. My mind had latched itself on to the constant change in time and the present instantly becoming past. I don't know what my mind wants from it but it's as if it is not satisfied and wants time to stop. Obviously it won't but I can't make sense of 'being alive'

Something I said to LAI is that these types of shifts are not like the realisations of someone who has reached enlightenment. Buddhists spend their lives working through a process to reach that, and it can include painful times too. Your mind has reacted with an obsession, a false one, and it includes this false sense of enlightenment with it because that's how it attempts to keep you locked in this state. Anxiety defends it's existence, many of us know this as it keeps shifting it's focus to find a new issue to shock us with, something common with intrusive thoughts.

MyNameIsTerry

02-05-16, 08:07

I feel like Im on a very similar path as your past, Terry. Im struggling with OCD Tendencies and Intrusive Thoughts for the first time in my life. Much like Carl, I cant stop overthinking and being overly aware of reality and the strangeness of my thinking. It does feel like my thoughts control/own me and vice versa.

How do you work through this and become healthy? It feels like my brain is permanently screwed up. My main goal is to be okay with the thoughts and not be bothered by the meta thinking state that I am stuck in. I fall off quie a bit, but I keep on teying because I dont really know what else to do.

Im hoping that this us Citalopram withdrawal, but I cant see this ever just stopping and my mind not thinking this way. Even if its not withdrawal, I just need to figure out a way to cope with this. Hopefully time heals all things.

Sorry, missed your post.

I think in your case a lot of your current situation is due to the Cit reaction and the abrupt withdrawal. I wonder if you had switched to the Sert whether it would have helped with this as such an abrupt cessation is normally for a switch?

So, I wouldn't judge it based on now because you weren't like this a few months back. Cit was when it all seemed to start. There are plenty of us on here who have been through very hard times starting a med and not stayed in that horrible position. I've seen some mentioned even being sectioned/hospitalised due to it but they are much better now.

You will get there, but it may not be quick. It took me a long time BUT I had literally no help, none of this place or the charities and a lot of my inertia was due to lack of understanding as much as fear.

What I remember is what people on here say about being trapped with a broken brain living in hell everyday - I used to be saying that. In my case, as well as the GAD issues, my newly formed OCD from a med was ruling my days and I mean everyday for a very long time. I couldn't see a way out. But steadily things change as you take little steps forward here & there. Be wary of the routines you get stuck in though, they can end up being traps/ruts.

For me it wasn't a sense of realisation, although I did feel my thinking had changed, but more about endless avoidance, mitigation through compulsions and being afraid of every sensation in mind body (including perfectly normal everyday ones). Clawing your way back from that state of shock & sensitisation takes time, and a lot of it in my case.

So, keep doing relaxation work, get exercise, meditate, etc. Bit by bit you will see changes. Once you feel like you have been jolted out of one stage and into a better one, things will seem more possible, although it took me a few of these to be able to accept it.

CArl_34_m_UK

02-05-16, 09:02

Thanks again Terry. You seem to have a lot of time for people on this forum. .me included and it's not often we find people willing to put in such effort. It really is a great help and your knowledge seems to be very high. I just wish I was in a place to do the same. Even writing this is almost agonising for me as it has already become past and my mind is just disturbed by that.
Something new happened yesterday. I felt something almost physical in my head. Whereas I'm continually forced with having to deal with being alive and this continual change in time, I felt this immense build up of what felt like electrical pressure in my head. Not like s headache but it felt almost like an electric feeling with some sort of pressure. It wasn't a headache but it was though my mind had taken too much. Every second of my day is having to deal with being stuck in a paradox of having to be alive when the whole concept of being alive just disturbs me now and I don't like being alive. This has not gone away for over 2 months now but the mental torture of this had never led to this pressure in my head. Could anyone suggest what this might have been? I know it sounds odd but it's like I could feel the electricity of brain activity in my head. I have very little physical anxiety and other than my initial thought problems you'd not really know I'm suffering.
This was very new and the first physical thing I've had to deal with in a long time. I just wondered if anyone new what this was?

LiveAboveIt

02-05-16, 23:06

Sounds a lot like brain zaps to me, Carl. But I have no idea.

CArl_34_m_UK

03-05-16, 20:20

Hi LAI - brain zaps is a new term to me. I will have to take a look.

this was by no mean a quick 'zap'. It lasted about 7 hours so not sure if the term 'zap' is a very short feeling

MyNameIsTerry

04-05-16, 05:40

I'm thinking brain zaps too. I had them when I came off Cit. They feel very strange. It was like a very loud version of a guitar string going "TWANG" inside my head.

If it was in waves rather than continual, brain zaps seem a culprit.

Have you been adjusting your meds around this time?

Thanks for your kind words, Carl. Lots of people do the same on here, giving back is always good. When at the worst though, it's very hard to do but later on it's easier and the more the merrier. I wish I had been on here when I started off with all this, it would have helped me greatly and I've learnt so much off others on here and found it a springboard to more reading.

CArl_34_m_UK

04-05-16, 19:31

I definitely appreciate any help and it's a nice feeling to recognise the kindness of others.
I honestly haven't changed my medication. I've been on the suggested dose of 5mg olanzapine for 3 weeks now. However today they have upped it due to my thoughts/obsessive thinking seems to have gotten so much more intense. Today I'll be taking 10mg.
So regarding the brain zaps thing. .it was for a full 7 hours. Not coming and going in waves. It really was very odd and never had it before or since. Just a constant feeling of electric and clamping inside my mind. Some may suggest a headache but this really wasn't. It was very unpleasant but not painful as such

LiveAboveIt

08-05-16, 18:45

How are you feeling now, Carl? Any progress as far as your issues with time and space and all that?

CArl_34_m_UK

11-05-16, 19:42

Hi LAI

I'd love to say I'm doing fantastic but I'm not getting any let up.. it's kind of changed to me questioning everything and in turn I've now become so freaked out\scared about being alive. I literally question and try to analyze everything.
I can't put my non stop experience down to thoughts. It is not on an off. .it has become a constant thing. Like a realization on the whole concept of life. I don't even know how I'm typing this message as everything is now so scary to the point of insanity. I don't think anyone will grasp the extent of what I have. This constant 24x7 feeling of being scared and freaked out about being alive and existing. This constant flow of time changing what is present.
I have actually been trying my absolute hardest to keep my life as normal as possible with all of this. I've honestly been doing 95% of what I normally would (some days it is too unbearable and the mental agony is too much). I have two boys aged 4 and 7 - I look after them and go to work as I have to, The problem is my mind attaches this continula change of time to everything and everything is just a reminder that I'm alive. Being alive freaks me out\scares me but doing everything normally is just a constant reminder of this so in a way I don't even know why I'm putting myself through it. I feel I need to accept this but no matter how hard I've tried to accept it, I just can't see a way of ever feeling the way I used to. I feel like my mind has been damaged\changed permanently. It's so upsetting that I have become this way. I had such a happy life and had everything going for me. I feel that my mind has become so complex that I've reached a level of no return.
What is worrying me most right now is that I feel stuck in a paradox because I can't escape being alive.
Did you ever get this non stop\feeling thought that even when you think you feel normal, that your mind is still scared of even feeling normal? I think my head has made it's mind up that it will never get better.. it will never not be scared of being alive. I think this is whats scareing me the most. The fact that my mind doesn't want to get better as to feel 'normal' is wrong. It's not fighting to get better as it feels incorrect to feel normal. I don't know why my mind has done this. It should want to get better and feel normal but even that feels wrong now. How do I escape when feeling 'normal' freaks me out? And the logic\concept being alive freaks me out\scares me:weep:

MyNameIsTerry

14-05-16, 05:02

I don't even know how I'm typing this message as everything is now so scary to the point of insanity

This is the thing, Carl, if it truly was the worst it could be, doing anything would be beyond you. You would be sitting pretty much catatonic in my opinion. So, see this as something positive, the fact that despite all this mental turmoil you can do things and the analysing kicks in afterwards.

It should want to get better and feel normal but even that feels wrong now. How do I escape when feeling 'normal' freaks me out? And the logic\concept being alive freaks me out\scares me

You are not alone there. I've had this discussion a fair few times on here with people saying the same and also in the walk-in groups I used to attend. Over time we retrain ourselves to believe that we should be anxious every day. Now this actually clashes with our deeper beliefs, or you would be anxious and not be questioning things as you would see it completely correct - that would be a delusional disorder or similar. For instance, in the case of someone suffering delusions that they are being watched or persecuted, or perhaps the paranoid version of schizophrenia, you won't find them posting on here about it. They will be truly living in that state of anxiety/paranoia and not questioning anything because they 100% believe what their delusions are telling the to be true. Their time will be spent "living" inside that scenario and taking actions.

A common example used to illustrate a delusional disorder is having a 3rd arm. No matter how many mirrors how many doctors hold up to them or tell them there may never have been a single case in history of it or that it is physically impossible for human beings as a species - they won't believe you. They see a 3rd arm.

That is very different to what you are going through. Why? Well you are on here talking about how this is wrong and how it is impacting on your life. Someone suffering delusions about you theme wouldn't be on here unless they were telling us all about how life is how THEY see it and how we are all delusional ourselves.

Scared of feeling normal is something I've had loads of myself. I've often said on here that I have no fear of death, I really don't although the pain is a different story, but I have a fear of life. Life has at times seemed to painful for me to go on. Everything was a hard slog and I couldn't take another 40 years of pain like that. Sound familiar? For me it wasn't about the realisation you are talking about but it was about the physical symptoms and I started to struggle with the concept of time. My issue with time, which I still have to work on to an extent, was that I either had too much or too little or both at the same time. I started to find myself questioning what time meant and it didn't feel real to me. The impact of this is anxiety, a lot of ambivalence, feeling trapped and not moving forward.

What happens with anxiety is that you learn to exist a certain way. You create new "core beliefs" based around this anxiety. This can be seen in many on this forum, myself included, just in many different ways. These core beliefs are based on negativity and they combine well with Cognitive Distortions and negative language e.g. using "should" instead of "could" when "should" implies a must do and "could" implies the ability to choose so less pressure.

These core beliefs are just new neural pathways and associations between neurons via synapses. The process that builds them built all your previous core beliefs and will build those new ones or adapt old ones throughout the rest of your life. We need to work on changing these to neutral/positive ones and the old negative ones get "mothballed".

Since these neurons can be attached vis synapses to various others, as you recover you work on "unpicking" to an extent as well as building new ones or re-establishing your old pre-anxiety ones. This can mean you see thinking change whereby you get some seemingly odd connections too. For instance, I started to smile or laugh at intrusive thoughts as I was recovering from them BUT I didn't feel anxiety. Some worry that this means they are changing into that monster they fear but if you have been working on recovery they can simply just mean these connections are changing but bit by bit.

Another example is how my compulsions started to come without anxiety, like they were just habits. It was like a dismantling process. Eventually these compulsions just stopped completely.

Some useful stuff for you to read about all this. There may be some overlap as I've just grabbed a load of stuff but it will cover Core Beliefs, the deeper "Schemas", bias, adjusting core beliefs and keeping balanced ones, etc:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Info-What%20are%20Core%20Beliefs.pdf
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/BB-8-Core%20Beliefs.pdf
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Info-adjusting%20negative%20core%20beliefs.pdf
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/WS-adjusting%20core%20beliefs.pdf
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/SE_Module%208_July%2005.pdf
http://psychology.tools/core-belief-magnets.html
http://psychology.tools/schema-bias.html
http://psychology.tools/schema-metaphors.html

Deeper beliefs are saying this thinking is wrong. It clashes with your schemas which are linked to your identity and are very deep. If you truly believed you had woken up to this new world, you wouldn't be fighting with yourself over it. This is where the anxiety is clashing with deeper beliefs about the world & reality. You are consciously reacting in negative ways to this, as we all do until we learn to deal with our anxieties, and reinforcing them. Your anxiety thinks it is doing something "valid" (remember, "valid" not "correct" but your other core beliefs know this is wrong, your schemas don't allow for it so it gets bounced off to your conscious mind to sort out the clashes.

LiveAboveIt

14-05-16, 16:17

Im currently having this issue as well.. Somewhere down the line thinking became a fear. Ive convinced myself that I cant think about anything other than the anxiety, which inevitably leads to me fighting and trying to forget about it on purpose. My mind will continue to remember and pop off more negative thoughts about how I will always be this way and will always constantly only be thinking about this one thing my entire life. Its a constant loop between trying to accept the thoughts and convince myself that thinking about it is okay, and struggling with the fear of not being able to control my thoughts or forget.

I realize that my brain hasnt changed and that I have always had popping thoughts, but my realization of it has changed and suddenly I dont know how to be okay with it, so I fight my thoughts all day.

Its ridiculous and I have no idea how to forget or undo my fear of thoughts. I had a couple of days where I managed to feel almost normal with mild anxiety, followed by a day where its just absolutely back to square one.

Im hoping Sertraline will help and maybe startup is contributing to the instability. Day 19 or so. I dont know if Im strong enough to beat this one.

CArl_34_m_UK

16-05-16, 08:36

The thing is I'm not after reassurance that I'm not going crazy. I don't think I ever thought I was. What I do know is that my mind has turned on itself and now the whole concept of me being alive is causing this non stop feeling of doom inside me.It's the same feeling you get when you deeply realize that you're going to die or being told awful news. I have that feeling 24x7 and I can't escape it because the reason behind it is due to being alive.. so I'm stuck in a paradox\vicious cycle.

What this has developed in to is me being scared about how LONG life is. This can't be right.. who is scared about the length of life? For some reason the concept of being alive non stop for so many years and being part of this as every second goes by, disturbs me so much that I inside my head is screaming. I can't do anything about it.. if you don't want to be alive it's tough.. you're stuck. Unless you choose to end it. Nothing in my life has any relevance to me any more. The whole meaning of life and everything in it disturbs me so much.

What concerns me is why am I disturbed about being alive and now that my mind feels unlocked to this, How will I ever see things how I used to? I look at every part of lie and existence and I just don't see the point of it all. Like really thinking outside the box.. what is the point? Thee is no point to it.

Is this honestly just anxiety? Is it just anxiety that is making me feel this way and if the anxiety was gone that I'd be thinking totally differently and be 'living?' a happy life?

PanchoGoz

16-05-16, 18:47

I can honestly say nothing you have said worries me. All of this is caused by fear - you are scared of what you will think so you're stressed mine is conjuring all the wierdest stuff possible. If you can try to adopt the attitude of "this is how I am right now, I'll just keep doing what I normally do" and just have an automatic reaction of boredom to these thoughts it would help enormously.

CArl_34_m_UK

16-05-16, 21:18

I wish I could have an ordinary reaction like that buy my mind has attached itself to what is the point of anything when I'm going to die one day? Also the whole concept of time and the disappearance of time. I don't know what it is anymore.
I'm appreciating the response from you guys but I feel like this realization has ended my life right now. I just don't want to be a part of this game of life. It's pointless

---------- Post added at 21:18 ---------- Previous post was at 21:10 ----------

I'm in such a deep existential thought process that o didn't think possible. My mind doesn't even want to get better anymore

MyNameIsTerry

17-05-16, 09:20

I agree with Pancho.

As a GAD sufferer my life has become much harder and I've had years where everyday was hard. Dreading waking up, was just part of it. Dreading every part of the day, was just part of it.

Fear looks for your weak points. With some it manifests as a fear or death, with some a fear of hurting those we love and with some fear of life itself. But what I know with mine is that it's not fear or life, it is fear of going through life suffering all this. There in lies the trap because the more you engage with it, the more it remains.

It's hard, very hard, because it's a massive job of acceptance. Acceptance that life is how it always was and that you will live it until the time is naturally ends. We have to relearn how to relax and turn off.

I would really recommend Mindfulness to you. It is excellent for helping with obsessive thinking as it will teach you to become an observer rather than an engager.

CArl_34_m_UK

17-05-16, 11:38

Well I'm seeing my consultant Psychiatrist next Monday for a 6\7 week follow up from when I first seeked help with this. I don't even know how I can begin to explain the way my mind has been working throughout the past few weeks. I have managed to type up some of it while I've been working. In all honestly I don't really expect people to understand this so I'm not going to go there with huge hope. I've been seeing a psychologist once a week but he just keeps telling me I'm doing the right thing by getting on with life and work etc.
I just need to rid myself of this feeling of panic\intense fear when I realize that I cannot escape. Do you think my mind will just accept things for how they are over time? I think that is my only hope right now.. that my mind will accept the old way of thinking. The problem right now is that I see that as naive and almost unconscious. Whereas now my mind feels as though it is conscious and has found a way of lokking at life correctly. Nothing of how I think is untrue so there isn't really an escape from it.
Terry the problem with mindfullness is that my mind can't relax. Especially as doing any activity takes 'time' and my mind is battling against anything that 'takes time'. I've tried doing lots of normal things but my mind is stuck in a vicious cycle right now.

Tardisbrain

23-05-16, 18:29

Hi, CArl, I've justarted been reading your thread and wondering how you are getting on? It sounds very frightening what you are going through. I am going through a terrible time atm, not what you are but I'm stuck with constant anxiety symptoms etc 24/7 after taking an antidepressant. It'seems now been 3 months for me and I feel trapped and hopeless. I do hope what everyone says about it just being anxiety and that eventually with time thints will get better.

---------- Post added at 18:29 ---------- Previous post was at 18:28 ----------

Ah apologies for the spelling mistakes.

CArl_34_m_UK

24-05-16, 09:15

Hi Tardisbrain. .
I'd love to say I'm not suffering anymore but I've still got all the bizarre thoughts about being alive and existing. It really is controlling my life and I've been told its a form of ocd thinking
I'm due to start sertraline this week which is used to treat ocd and anxiety but can take 2 weeks to feel and effect. I'm just so scared for myself. I can't see a way out of this living nightmare. It makes every second of everyday mental torture

Tardisbrain

24-05-16, 09:22

It's worse when you don't see any improvements after such a long time. I suffer from OCD also and I constantly have weird tmrandom thoughts pop into my brain constantly, they just don't shift and even if they do something else will take its place. It also feels like I have so much worries at the same time all arguing against each other and it's as if past of my brain is trying to stop it but loses. I hope those meds are the right ones for you. Unfortunately it was meds that done this to me and the new Meds I'm on don't seem to be helping (almost 8 weeks) I have my fist appointment with psychiatrist on the 1st and I'm really petrified about trying new Meds as that some what caused this problem in the first place. I really hope we can recover from this torture. Do you get any physical symptoms?

MyNameIsTerry

24-05-16, 09:39

I'm due to start sertraline this week which is used to treat ocd and anxiety but can take 2 weeks to feel and effect.

The Sert board is pretty busy compared to the rest so you will get some good support on there from the regulars, Carl.

I wouldn't place too much faith in doctors saying 2 weeks for any SSRI, they often take longer. It will take just under 7 days for that med to reach it's steady state (as much going in as coming out, basically when it is at a stable dose) and the longer effect of down-regulation can take a bit longer than the more immediate effect of allowing your Serotonin to be more available.

---------- Post added at 09:39 ---------- Previous post was at 09:37 ----------

It's worse when you don't see any improvements after such a long time. I suffer from OCD also and I constantly have weird tmrandom thoughts pop into my brain constantly, they just don't shift and even if they do something else will take its place. It also feels like I have so much worries at the same time all arguing against each other and it's as if past of my brain is trying to stop it but loses. I hope those meds are the right ones for you. Unfortunately it was meds that done this to me and the new Meds I'm on don't seem to be helping (almost 8 weeks) I have my fist appointment with psychiatrist on the 1st and I'm really petrified about trying new Meds as that some what caused this problem in the first place. I really hope we can recover from this torture. Do you get any physical symptoms?

I can understand how you feel and you won't be the only one either. LiveAboveIt has just had a very rough time starting Citalopram and been left worse off and is now on Sert. For me, I was getting much better on Cit, then came off and relapsed years later and got put on Duloxetine. Out of nowhere I had far worse anxiety and suddenly had OCD!

It's horrible how some of these meds can make things not only worse before better, but also aren't a good "fit" and make us much worse.

When I was Cit, it took me about 2 months to feel any better and then I noticed a further change in month 3. So, if you are free of side effects it may still work for you or perhaps an increased dose will be recommended?

Tardisbrain

24-05-16, 09:44

Thanks for replying. I really hope so. I think everything I'm feeling is just anxiety but the meds don't feel like they are touching it. I'm also concerned about upping it, I've read so many horror stories and I really don't think I could survive another 8+ weeks of extra suffering

MyNameIsTerry

24-05-16, 10:19

Yes, it's a soul destroying one to have to go through them again. However, people on here say how an increase can be much less in terms of side effects. Going onto that first rung on the ladder for a therapeutic dose can be one of the toughest.

There are horror stories about every med that exists when you get into antidepressants. What you won't see much of are the people who had success because they don't tend to post. People on here will tell you to ignore internet horror stories because of this as people are far more likely to complain about bad experiences than give time to document how much better they feel.

CArl_34_m_UK

24-05-16, 14:18

Well as I have no idea how anti depressants work I'm just going to have to wait and see. Does anyone know how successful they are for treating anxiety? My mind is going like a steam train and I'd love some immediate relief from diazepam but it's near on impossible to get any, purely because it's addictive and doctors don't want people getting hooked. Maybe if I can get my anxiety down then my racing irrational thought processes will calm down. That's what I'm hoping and praying anyway

Tardisbrain

24-05-16, 14:39

You have the same idea as me. I'm absolutely gutted I have to go on meds but I feel there is no way I can grasp at any kind of recovery unless something let's up a little and thatsee what I'm hoping meds will do! I will be using therapy and self help too. I totally feel for you as you are trying to explain how you feel. It's a difficult thing and no one seems to understand. My derealisation was/is bad however it's started to change slightly. My vision was really weird like I was in a dream and all my emotions bar fear disappeared.it sometimes feels like the left side of my body is a fraction higher than my right, almost a distorted feeling. When I'm walking I sometimes feel small and really close to the ground. My vision has cleared up slightly but the feelings of it are still there and my eyes are sensitive. I almost feel like I'm walking around with some sort of permanent stroke if that makes sense.

DPW16

24-05-16, 15:52

Watch the film ''Numb'' it's got Chandler from friends in and is a brilliant portrayal of derealization.
He basically takes a heavy hit of drugs and then wakes up the next day questioning everything etc. Haven't watched in years but was basically exactly like I was when I first experienced it and seemed to help me in a bizarre way.

But what the guys above said is all good stuff.

---------- Post added at 15:50 ---------- Previous post was at 15:47 ----------

Link to film :)

---------- Post added at 15:52 ---------- Previous post was at 15:50 ----------

http://www.veoh.com/watch/v16934851bp2hqNBd

Tardisbrain

24-05-16, 15:58

Thank you, I will try getting around to watching it, I might have to watch it in bits as my concentration is poor. I've only recently just been able to watch a little TV

CArl_34_m_UK

25-05-16, 09:34

My mind and thoughts are in a constant battle with themselves. It's as if I don't like the concept that life is one continual response to what your brain has been taught since you were born. For some reason my mind is trying to rebel against everything as if doesn't like this state or normal life. Everything is an involuntary response from our language to the whole world we live in and for some reason my mind has decided that it doesn't want to be in this 'trap'. Like we are all sheep\monkeys just following the same routine due to what we've been taught in our lives. But what if I don't want to call a cup a cup.. or what if I don't want to go to work and follow the rest of the sheep in life? I know this sounds totally bizarre but my mind for some reason sees 'normal' life very naive and unconscious. following all the rules of life. I can't even explain it properly other than my mind is wanting to rebel against normality and every thing that we know\have learned through life.
Has anyone ever had something so complex? It's like my mind has realized that all we do from day to day is act on involuntary responses from our brain because of what we've been told to do and my mind doesn't like it anymore. It makes me wonder what is the point of life and what is the point of anything. Ultimately it will all come to an end when we die so whats the point of anything?