A positive experience [Archive]

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Suziewuzie

10-04-16, 09:59

I noticed there's a few new people posting here lately, and I know how desperate I was to hear positive stories when I first started so I thought I would share my own in the hope it makes people feel a little bit of hope for the future.

I was started on Citalopram after being unable to tolerate the start-up effects of sertraline. I was started on it for anxiety & severe panic attacks which left me unable to go to work & unable to leave my house. At my worst point I wasnt sleeping, wasn't eating, wasn't going out, was plagued by intrusive thoughts and genuinley believed that I was going mad. I spent many dark days googling my symptoms, sure that I was schizophrenic or something worse.

After 4 weeks on citalopram I had the occasional good day but then I became deeply depressed. I struggled to get out of bed, nothing made me happy, I felt completely unable to connect with anyone. The anxiety had eased but I felt like I'd been left with something much worse & it scared me. I never thought I'd be able to live a normal life again, go for days out, belly laugh at things. I was hopeless.

When I very first 'got bad' I wrote a list of goals that I wanted to achieve - go back to work, go for a night out - just little things like that. Now after more than 10 weeks on citalopram I've finally ticked everything off my list and am living a normal life. I don't feel scared all day every day, I don't have intrusive thoughts, my heart doesn't race as soon as I open my eyes in the morning, I don't feel total despair, I can sit and feel complete peace, I can laugh at things, I can open up to people. I feel almost like my old self & that's all I ever wanted.

I'm still scared that my anxiety will come back, but I know that if it does then I can deal with it and I wont go back to those dark days.

My GP told me I could expect to see improvement in 2 weeks, but honestly it took at least 4 weeks before I saw any improvement and even then it was small. It's been such a long & rough road and I'm so happy that I'm finally almost through it. Everyones journey is unique and what we all think of as being 'cured' is different but for me it's this - just being able to sit here on a sunday morning feeling peaceful, enjoying the sunshine, not feeling terrified of the week ahead.

I didn't just rely on the tablet to make me feel better, because I believe it's the way that I think which makes me the feel the way I do, and tablets can't change the way I think. I read self help books, I listened to audios, I wrote about how I felt, I set myself daily tasks and I practised meditation. But I couldn't have mustered the energy to do all that without the tablets so I'm really grateful.

Anyway - sorry for the essay! If you're just starting out on citalopram, just hang in there. I promise it gets better - just probably not as quickly as you would like! X

Mojo61

10-04-16, 10:31

Thank you for you positive post Suzie. It is great to know that you are finally getting to enjoy life and look forward to things, as that is how it should be. You have given me encouragement not to give up hope because I'm only 9 days in on citalopram 10mg and it is doing nothing except making me more anxious and lacking in motivation. I know it is not an instant cure, but if I can at least see a glimmer of light I will be happier.

---------- Post added at 10:31 ---------- Previous post was at 10:28 ----------

It's like you say - it is a beautiful Sunday morning out there yet I'm still laying in bed feeling anxious, sick and miserable. I'd love to once again open the curtains and look out at the beautiful sunshine and think "Ohh, what shall I do today?" :(

Suziewuzie

10-04-16, 10:41

I'm only on 10mg too & the first month was really tough. After 4 weeks I actually decided to stop taking it because I was so sure it wasn't helping me at all. But I'm so glad I stuck with it!
It's cruel that these things take such time to work & make us feel worse along the way but it's worth it when you finally get back to your old self x

---------- Post added at 10:41 ---------- Previous post was at 10:33 ----------

Thank you for you positive post Suzie. It is great to know that you are finally getting to enjoy life and look forward to things, as that is how it should be. You have given me encouragement not to give up hope because I'm only 9 days in on citalopram 10mg and it is doing nothing except making me more anxious and lacking in motivation. I know it is not an instant cure, but if I can at least see a glimmer of light I will be happier.

---------- Post added at 10:31 ---------- Previous post was at 10:28 ----------

It's like you say - it is a beautiful Sunday morning out there yet I'm still laying in bed feeling anxious, sick and miserable. I'd love to once again open the curtains and look out at the beautiful sunshine and think "Ohh, what shall I do today?" :(

I have felt exactly like this. It was as if someone had turned off all the lights inside of me and nothing brought me joy. I remember driving down a country lane a few weeks ago with the sun shining, windows down, music blasting - and I felt nothing. Nothing at all. And it troubled me so much, I thought how can this not make me feel lovely? All the things that used to make me feel good just stopped making me feel anything. Even little things like treating myself to a big iced coffee with cream from Starbucks - it just felt like what's the point, how did I ever feel joy from this?
But I kept doing it anyway & now I absolutely do :)

I've spent so many sunny days stuck inside & missed out on so many social things because of anxiety. My bed was my safe place & outside was just scary and required so much effort. But you will get there! Don't beat yourself up for it, you need to let your mind have a little rest from the world sometimes x

ss2016

10-04-16, 11:04

I'm only on 10mg too & the first month was really tough. After 4 weeks I actually decided to stop taking it because I was so sure it wasn't helping me at all. But I'm so glad I stuck with it!
It's cruel that these things take such time to work & make us feel worse along the way but it's worth it when you finally get back to your old self x

---------- Post added at 10:41 ---------- Previous post was at 10:33 ----------

I have felt exactly like this. It was as if someone had turned off all the lights inside of me and nothing brought me joy. I remember driving down a country lane a few weeks ago with the sun shining, windows down, music blasting - and I felt nothing. Nothing at all. And it troubled me so much, I thought how can this not make me feel lovely? All the things that used to make me feel good just stopped making me feel anything. Even little things like treating myself to a big iced coffee with cream from Starbucks - it just felt like what's the point, how did I ever feel joy from this?
But I kept doing it anyway & now I absolutely do :)

I've spent so many sunny days stuck inside & missed out on so many social things because of anxiety. My bed was my safe place & outside was just scary and required so much effort. But you will get there! Don't beat yourself up for it, you need to let your mind have a little rest from the world sometimes x

I am in the same position too, but i know things will be better in a few weeks. Glad to hear you are feeling better Suziewuzie. I can not wait for those days to come :yesyes:

Suziewuzie

10-04-16, 11:06

I think when you *know* things are going to get better then that's half the battle. It's just about being patient & waiting for the good days to come then, but you know they will so just keep plodding on! X

Jaysmd

10-04-16, 11:09

Yay Suzie! Good to hear from you. I'm so proud

Suziewuzie

10-04-16, 11:15

Thank you Jay! I was almost scared to post because I feel like I'm tempting fate & will wake up tomorrow feeling dreadful again, but I feel like if I do then So what? It didn't kill me last time & it won't do this time.
How have things been for you on 40mg? X

Jaysmd

10-04-16, 11:18

Getting there very slowly. 4 weeks my arse! 10 and a half weeks and only now things are getting a little better

Suziewuzie

10-04-16, 11:21

Slowly is still progress. They really need to get real & stop telling people that 2-4 weeks will see progress, it's so disheartening. I actually think week 5-6 were the worst weeks for me.

Jaysmd

10-04-16, 11:27

Week 9 and 10 were when I started to notice change. What a long ongoing process

Mojo61

10-04-16, 17:04

What dose are you on now Suzie?

ss2016

10-04-16, 19:48

How did you manage to meditate with high anxiety? I have tried, but I just can't focus and sit still. I am hoping to start doing some gentle yoga again after this 20mg kicks in a bit longer.

Suziewuzie

10-04-16, 19:56

I'm still only on 10mg, I've never increased. I did wonder if I should've done but I feel fine now on 10mg so dont feel the need. Maybe one day I will need to increase though x

---------- Post added at 19:56 ---------- Previous post was at 19:54 ----------

Guided meditation was the only thing that relaxed me at first. I use an app called Stop Panic and Anxiety, I think the website is called Excel at Life, and it has a bunch of guided meditations, self help audios etc. on it. I found body scans really helpful too though they took me a bit of practise x

ss2016

10-04-16, 19:59

LiveAboveIt

10-04-16, 20:54

This thread is amazing, Suzie. I needed it. I'm forcing myself to get out of the house everyday and do things, because I actually feel better when I'm out of the house. Although I couldn't handle the Citalopram, I'm slowly recovering from the anxiety and I feel quite a bit better than I did weeks ago. A little bit more in control, but still struggling. A big part of my problem is I have this irrational feeling of fear that if I don't work out the anxiety now then I'm going to lose myself or fall into a place that you can't come back from. I hate that feeling, it makes you feel very fragile and rushed. But reading about your ability to sit peacefully this morning and just take in the sunshine and feel good really resonated with me. I could almost feel it for a moment, the only thing holding me back are these damned negative worrysome thoughts. Hopefully I can still do this without pills.

I'm so glad to hear how well you are doing, Suzie.

Suziewuzie

12-04-16, 10:41

Thanks Live! I know you have had a really rough time of it, but it sounds like things are starting to change for you so don't give up hope.
I know what you mean about wanting to work out the anxiety & being scared of falling into a place you can't come back from - I feel it too. But keep telling yourself that it WON'T happen, it cannot happen, it hasn't happened yet and it won't ever. Eventually the positive voice will drown out the anxious one.
I don't honestly think I have seen the back of anxiety, I'm sure it will be back, but if I can accept it and carry on regardless then that's enough for me.

Mojo61

12-04-16, 12:24

I'm pleased that you found 10mg to be an acceptable dose. I'm hoping I don't have to increase too at my review next week. I'm only 11 days in though.

Suziewuzie

12-04-16, 12:29

I would be happy to increase if I needed to, and I think if I had a proper GP who reviewed me regularly I probably would have been told to increase but I was never reviewed after starting on that dose so just carried on.
I'm just too scared of side effects to increase now to be honest!

Mojo61

12-04-16, 12:55

But you feel a lot better than you did yes? How long did it take before you noticed a difference?

Suziewuzie

12-04-16, 15:43

ss2016

12-04-16, 15:48

I feel a hundred percent better than I did, though I don't know how much of that is down to the tablets.
Probably after about 6/7 weeks I started having more and more good days with only the occasional bad. After 9 weeks I was able to go back to work, which was the thing that helped me the most I think. And now 11 weeks in total I feel almost back to normal x

Awesome so glad to hear you are doing good!!! You should continue to improve even more as the weeks go on. I felt fantastic by the 4th/5th month. Then I made a stupid move and weaned off. :yesyes:

Mojo61

14-04-16, 16:25

I wish they would stop telling people they "should" notice a difference in 2 weeks too because I HAVEN'T noticed any difference, in fact I'm worse. If it wasn't for this forum I might have been tempted to give up thinking they weren't working because if they were then why wasn't I feeling any better?

Suziewuzie

14-04-16, 19:18

Mojo I stopped taking them after 30 days because I was sure they weren't helping. I just thought after a MONTH on these things, there's no way they're working. So I stopped. It was a stupid thing to do & I had a hellish week, and I'm so glad I went back on them. I feel for you because it's such early days for you & I feel like you're on such a similar journey to mine, I can relate a lot to your posts. My first 6 weeks on citalopram sucked.

Suziewuzie

15-04-16, 15:35

Think I cursed myself posting this thread! I've had a bloody rubbish few days!! Anyone else have sort of anxiety waves? Or sudden thoughts / feelimgs of anxiety? I can be out & about doing something then all of a sudden I get hit by this massive "I AM NOT OK" feeling. Really bugging me.

R1CH

15-04-16, 15:51

I am at the moment suzie, I have this nagging feeling inside that keeps me thinking about how I am feeling and then I start to feel rubbish. I cant seem to stop focusing on it at the moment but I am sure this will wear off in time. It took me 9 - 10 weeks previously so I am not expecting any miracles soon, but I live in hope. At least you had some good days so you just need to remember those. I seem to of been down in the dumps for a good couple of weeks now maybe more.

Stay strong!

Rich

Suziewuzie

15-04-16, 16:46

ss2016

15-04-16, 17:13

It just keeps worming its way into my head, I've no idea why. I even just had a panic attaci in a shop changing room, but I was really pleased that I managed to think "Oh sod off I don't have time for this!" And then it passed :yahoo:
I think I'm going to increase my dose to 20mg myself because I can't see my Gp for a while. Not a dangerous move is it?

Just call your GP and see if they will increase the dose for you. That's what I did and they had no problem increasing and then they wanted to see me in four weeks or ask for an emergency visit. Also weren't you close to your cycle starting? Still could be related to that. If it is related to that moving up to 20mg may help

Suziewuzie

15-04-16, 17:25

I can't get a phonecall consultation now, I have to ring at 8am Monday morning but they rarely have any slots. They never want to follow me up either, they're a nightmare!
Yeah I will wait til next week. It doesn't make any great difference if I speak to my GP tbf she'll just tell me to go for it and then wave me off.