Loneliness that never ends

[Pete_uk]

I could spread this thread over several existing threads but I wanted to clump it together.

I'm 33 and have never had a girlfriend. If I went to a pub (which I wouldn't want to do on my own anyway) I would sit there as I do anywhere else and just stare into space. Well I don't know what to do or say I've only been in a put with friends three times. I hardly see them any more anyway. I'm socially retarded in that respect.

I've been on quite a few dating sites over the years. I have had a few leads but nothing lately. I've only been on Plenty of Fish for about five years and again, a few leads and even one phone call but nothing after that. I've never been one for groups of people or noisy places.

I don't even know why I'm writing this really, I'm not sure what I expect anyone to do. I'm quite depressed and anxious about other things as well and I believe a girlfriend would take me away a bit from some of these problems.

[Beckybecks]

Why not join a church? You'll meet friendly people and feel welcome. They have social gatherings and organize functions. You'll make friends and get involved.

[mnaha]

Sometimes loneliness isn't caused by being alone,loneliness is caused by the way others treat you . I feel for you and the way you feel but I can tell you having someone in your life just to have someone doesn't always take care of loneliness.

Its only if things work out between the two of you . Find someone if you can because you want company and companionship but don't find someone just because you feel the way you do. Its the wrong reason and leads you to choose someone to be with that makes you feel more lonely than the way you feel already. I hope you feel better soon and that hole you feel in your life is fulfilled for you . Sometimes other people aren't the answer they are only a crutch to hold you up when you were happier alone. Take care.

[fishman65]

Hi Pete, I can empathise with how you are feeling and your story strikes a chord with me. I spent many years yearning for someone to share my life with while watching friends seemingly happy in their relationships. I felt like some kind of freak. I would get drunk often when out with friends and it was only towards the end of a night that I would attempt to 'chat up' girls. By that time all they saw was a drunk.

This went on until my circumstances changed after a breakdown in 1994/95. I began to attend a Mind group where weekly meetings introduced me to other people with mental health issues and that's where I met Mrs F. I was 30 and she became my first girl friend, we have been together since.

As has been touched on already, a relationship in order to not be alone is perhaps not what you need and certainly won't guarantee an end to loneliness. However it is sometimes a situation we settle for if being alone is in itself the problem. Relationships where a couple remain 'in love' for good are very rare if they even exist at all.

My advice would be, try to put yourself in situations where you could make friends. Then 'if' something further develops, all the better but don't lose heart. I after all didn't go looking for Mrs F, it just happened when I least expected it.

[Pete_uk]

Thanks for the replies.

I don't really understand why someone would not want someone in their life if they are lonely

[debs71]

Thanks for the replies.

I don't really understand why someone would not want someone in their life if they are lonely

Sometimes people can feel lonely even by having a lot of people around them, so I understand what mnaha is saying.

It sounds silly, but it kind of depends on the particular loneliness that you feel.

I live with my parents, have a couple of close friends who I chat to online (they live quite a way from me), a great extended family, but I still feel very lonely and alone sometimes, mostly due to my mental health problems. I think depression, anxiety, panic, etc. can be very isolating, and also make us feel so lonely, but also make it very hard for us to be socially active, have the confidence to form new friendships (or even aquaintances) and make a more intimate connection with others very hard to achieve.

I can totally empathise with how you feel.

In saying this, sometimes people who are lonely don't want to get close to people, or have someone in their life as despite their loneliness, they are afraid to let someone in....find it hard to get close and trust someone, especially if they have been hurt before.....sometimes loneliness is a complex thing.

I agree with the general feeling here. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself about finding a girlfriend. I think that seeking friendships and making aquaintances first is the way to go. It is a cliche that we can just go out and find romance, in my experience at least, and it is true what they say that when you are not looking for love, you find it. Often we find someone through connections, social activities, when we are not looking for it or expecting it.

I do also relate to the social awkwardness thing too. I was painfully shy, right up until my mid-twenties. I never had a boyfriend. or even men as friends. I didn't even know how to talk to men. It was only when I left home and went to Uni that my social life opened up, I became more socially confident and things changed a bit for me.

A lot of social confidence is practice and 'just doing it'. I know that sounds stupid, but it is true. The more you go out, be around others, the more you become used to talking with others and making new connections, and so your personal confidence rises.

Please trust me when I say that if I could do it, anyone can, as I was horrendously shy for many years.

Please don't despair about all of this. You are still a young man, and have years ahead to change things and find someone. :hugs:

[Pete_uk]

Thanks debs :hugs:

[debs71]

You're very welcome, Pete.

Things happen and change when you least expect them, I promise. :winks: