Marriage/wedding anxiety

[Madgirl12]

Hi everyone,

My long distance boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage :)

I'm not sure about anyone else but I have *never* longed for a big wedding, lots of attention and fuss etc. Even as a child, the thought of lots of eyes on me, walking down the aisle made me very nervous. My bf and I are both introverts, have anxiety/depression and he has mild aspergers. He finds some social situations difficult, but is ok in small groups.

Ideally, we'd elope. However, my mother and other family members/friends would never let me get away with that. People have expectations.

I think one of my primary concerns is just that, people's expectations. If I could just sign a piece of paper and be married to him tomorrow I'd happily do so. I strongly believe a marriage is more important than a wedding.

I remember after my best friend got married, we were talking about the wedding and I remarked that I would hate to have to hang around getting thousands of photos taken, posing constantly etc. I said I'd hate a big wedding. She said, "Oh don't be silly, you'd love it!"

Um, no, I wouldn't. It would sent me into a sweaty, anxious, headachey mess. But if/when my bf and I get married, at the minimum there will be a small ceremony, and I guess, lunch or something for everyone. No discos, no speeches, no bridesmaids or anything. It would have to be cheap too, but hopefully a pleasant experience, but how do I go about this? My brother is getting married later this year, and I think he's pretty sick of all the drama and expense already.

My bf was married once before. I don't know much about their wedding, but I don't think it was a big, fancy event. They broke up amicably and remain friends so he doesn't have too many reservations about marrying me (hopefully!)

Only 1 person knows about this. She wants to come to the wedding too. I told her it won't be a "wedding" as such, just a simple ceremony and some food afterwards. I don't want huge expense and fuss. I'd like a nice dress (probably not traditional wedding dress), a nice wedding ring (don't think I'll have an engagement ring but not bothered) and hopefully a few nice photos to remind me of the day - but doubt we'd bother with a professional photographer. It would be a registry office ceremony I think. I think the nicest weddings are the ones where things are kept simple, not the couple spending thousands of pounds on one day, and trying to set the bar even higher.

Another worry is who to invite? I keep thinking about that, and worrying.

I would want to keep it *just* close family and a few friends. But then I think about the friend who has invited me to her wedding this year (I can't afford to go), or the nice friend of a friend whose wedding I went to years ago. Various friends/friends sisters whose wedding I attended. And distant relatives who are going to my brother's wedding - but I wouldn't have them at mine because I barely know them. And oh, what about their partners? My best friend's husband, other friend's boyfriends? If I invite one I have to invite them all. Some people might take offense as I know their partners reasonably well. Should I care about these things? I can feel myself mentally going in knots thinking about all this. And eloping sounds the best option because it would just be the two of us (and a couple of witnesses) but my mother would never forgive me. So this is the other option - but I worry it will get out of control and I'll hate the experience.

Anyway, has anyone else got married to their partner and had huge fears about the day? How did you go about alleviating these fears and enjoying your special day? Did you have a big wedding, or a small simple one?

Thanks!

[Samantha choc lover]

Hi madgirl

I'm not married, but if i do ever marry i too would have something very simple and low key. At the end of the day this would be yours and your bf's marraige. All that matters is that you're both happy with the arrangements. Everyone else will just haveto accept what you want and be gracious about it. X

[dally]

If...you have to invite any people. I would only invite both sets of parents. Not even grandparents because this sets the ball rolling for aunts uncles friends etc.

It has to be all or nothing.

If you do, I do think you need to invite partner of couples or it is insulting, esp if u know them.

I had a friend, who got married with the big white wedding dress and top hat and tails, but had only two mums and dads, brothers and sister from both sides. 8 people in all.
They hired a small conference room.
Organised a meal.
Played music via CD player. For first dance. So kept with tradition.
Bought a plain cake from m & s. £10.

They did have a professional photographer who took cutting of cake, first dance, family group pictures etc.
So, the 'photo album' looks absolutely no different to people who had 180 guests!!
Without the expense or hassle.

[Fishmanpa]

Besides the anxiety aspect, there's also a financial aspect to consider. Weddings are expensive!

My wife and I eloped. It was our 2nd marriage. Her family in in Ecuador and mine 350 miles and 4 states away. We certainly didn't have the funds to throw a big wedding. We found a beautiful Bed and Breakfast that offered an entire elopement package and it was absolutely wonderful!

A few months later we went to visit my family and had a little party. Worked out fine :) Yes, people expect certain things but it doesn't mean you have to conform. The wedding is between you and your husband... do what works for you.

Positive thoughts

[Plaidlaid]

Hullo Madgirl! I think we have a similar outlook on this thing, so let me tell you my story.
My wedding was five years ago, and I straight up told everyone that it's going to be as simple as possible. We had a registry office ceremony, I wore a small white dress (no clunky bouquets or those terrible veils) and afterwards we drove to the seaside and had a small picnic with closest friends and my mum and da. At registration, there was just 14 people present, us included. At the picnic, 8. It was perfect, just as I had always wanted, and this day is still one of the happiest of my memories.
And then my grandmother pressured me into getting a church wedding (here the government does not accept church registrations as legal, so if one wants to get a church marriage, they do it separately). The two months that led up to the day were an absolute nightmare. The extra fast planning, the amount of cash our family threw into this disaster, the amount of people my gandma forced me to invite personally... but everything pales in comparison to the event. Even now, remembering it brings me nearly physical pain and a wave of nauseating anxiety. My husband and I were separated for a whole 24 hours before the wedding, as the tradition calls for, I was stuffed into a giant dress with a dragging veil, my husband into a terrible over-expensive suit, I was forced to walk down the church isle under the stares of all the people I absolutely did not want to see (nearly 70 guests, for Pete's sake!) sit through a ceremony with my back to all these people (a major terror for me) and withstand the rest of the terrible, humiliating day of forced smiling, accepting insincere well-wishes and pretending to be thrilled while everyone around us got disgustingly drunk. It was agonizing, that's what it was, so when people remark on how great it was that I got to have two wedding parties I reply with: "I had just one.The other one was a torture."
Remember, the wedding is for two people, not for the lot. Do it the way you want it done. I know how terribly hard withstanding pressure from your family can be, but it is not worth it to just give up, believe me!