conan
16-04-16, 02:56
hi. i'm conan and this is my first post. reading a lot of the posts on here has made me realise what i'm going through is actually super common, and that has been tremendously helpful in moving my focus off whatever terminal illness i think i have this week and onto working on my anxiety.
my anxiety started at 11 and i got an OCD and panic disorder diagnosis at 15. i have worried obsessively about all manner of things in my life, but i never worried about health stuff until i had kids. now i'm 32 with two beautiful 4yo twin girls and worry constantly that either my wife or i have cancer of one kind or another. in november i was convinced she had ovarian cancer and it is honestly the most severe anxiety i'd ever experienced. up until then i thought i had a handle on it. then she develop acid reflux - it was a very stressful time and it runs in the family - but i was convinced it was stomach cancer. each time i was so completely resolute that i was going to have to explain to my children that mummy was going to die i had started to plan out the rest of our lives, taking note of how she did their hair, making various arrangements. each time she was fine, and then so was i. for a little while, at least.
this week i noticed a mole that looked a little different to before and was maybe a little itchy so i showed my wife and she suggested i got it checked out. my GP said it was probably benign but it had "some worrying features" and i should get it out. seeing my face fall and having some background knowledge of my anxiety issues she offered to take it out right away (she is terrific). after she took it out i started crying. i felt really pathetic but she was and is always very understanding.
so you know the rest. i have googled everything there is to google about melanoma. i have played out my kids' future without me. i am actually doing a little better than i expected because being wrong about cancer this many times has actually started to help me realise that the problems are primarily in my head. but i'm still scared to death.
typing "mole biopsy" in the google search box brings up "mole biopsy anxiety" as about the third most searched topic. unsurprising. it also brings up dozens of posts very similar to this one, which i found vaguely comforting.
anyway. hi.
my anxiety started at 11 and i got an OCD and panic disorder diagnosis at 15. i have worried obsessively about all manner of things in my life, but i never worried about health stuff until i had kids. now i'm 32 with two beautiful 4yo twin girls and worry constantly that either my wife or i have cancer of one kind or another. in november i was convinced she had ovarian cancer and it is honestly the most severe anxiety i'd ever experienced. up until then i thought i had a handle on it. then she develop acid reflux - it was a very stressful time and it runs in the family - but i was convinced it was stomach cancer. each time i was so completely resolute that i was going to have to explain to my children that mummy was going to die i had started to plan out the rest of our lives, taking note of how she did their hair, making various arrangements. each time she was fine, and then so was i. for a little while, at least.
this week i noticed a mole that looked a little different to before and was maybe a little itchy so i showed my wife and she suggested i got it checked out. my GP said it was probably benign but it had "some worrying features" and i should get it out. seeing my face fall and having some background knowledge of my anxiety issues she offered to take it out right away (she is terrific). after she took it out i started crying. i felt really pathetic but she was and is always very understanding.
so you know the rest. i have googled everything there is to google about melanoma. i have played out my kids' future without me. i am actually doing a little better than i expected because being wrong about cancer this many times has actually started to help me realise that the problems are primarily in my head. but i'm still scared to death.
typing "mole biopsy" in the google search box brings up "mole biopsy anxiety" as about the third most searched topic. unsurprising. it also brings up dozens of posts very similar to this one, which i found vaguely comforting.
anyway. hi.