ServerError
17-04-16, 03:43
I'm not exactly sure how to even express how I feel at the moment. I'm just constantly in a state of fear, even when I'm not sure what my specific fears are. It's 3:19am here in the UK as I type this, and I'm considering walking to A&E. The only thing stopping me is that, when they ask me why I'm there, I'm not sure I'll know. It's like nothing is wrong and everything is wrong at the same time. I've received some great help and genuinely reassuring words on here since signing up, but there are some fears - possibly all irrational but real nonetheless - gnawing away at me. I'm actually just going to list them and if anyone can help at all, thank you.
1) For the past six years or so, I've been having these surging feelings, kind of like adrenaline rushes, which come out of the blue. Although I remain fully conscious and can remember the incidents 100% after they pass, my senses still feel strange during the episodes. I don't convulse or anything. I retain my ability to function as normal - although it feels strange. In my mind I see images that feel like memories (NOT hallucinations) that feel dreamlike. Historically, I've quite liked these feelings but now I have anxiety, I'm scared of them. I usually average one every two months or so, but I've had about four in the past 24 hours. It's very rare for me to have them in clusters. I told my GP and she didn't seem concerned - she seemed to think that my vivid description of the events rules out it being any kind of seizure. She said it sounds 'emotional' or 'psychological' to her and didn't even suggest tests. It can happen at any moment, but has been especially common when on the cusp of sleep. I'll be nodding off and then get woken up by an adrenaline surge and then it happens. However, it can and does happen in literally any situation. It's rounded off by sweating despite not feeling all that hot. Then it fades away. I notice no pain and it doesn't seem to involve palpitations or a racing heart.
I'll try to keep my further fears much more brief
2) I've always been a light sleeper and I've always been better at sleeping through the morning than at night, but recently my sleep has almost disappeared. I get a bit of it here and there, but barely any at night. I'm trying to stay calm, but unfortunately I happen to be aware of Sporadic Fatal Insomnia. I'm terrified of this condition. I don't worry about Fatal Familial Insomnia, but the sporadic form terrifies me. I wish I'd never heard of it. I'm worried it's happening to me, and the fact it's so rare isn't helping to comfort me. :(
3) Sometimes I feel divorced from my body, especially my limbs. It's like I still feel attached to them and I definitely have full control of them, but looking down on them just doesn't feel normal. It feels as if they aren't mine, even though I can see they are. Just to be clear, I am NOT experiencing paranoia about someone or something else controlling any part of me, mind or body. It's just a strange perception when I look down.
4) Aside from specific fears, I seem to be in this constant state of unspecified dread. It's there all the time, even when my anxiety is low or I have nothing worrying on my mind. I never knew I could feel like this. It makes me want to constantly seek reassurance, even though I know that just perpetuates the problem.
5) I've mentioned it before, but I fear going mad. I read back what I've written and it feels like the ramblings of a madman. I don't think I'm hearing voices or hallucinating, but the fact I'm scared of it makes me question reality. If one of my housemates makes a distant noise I only just catch, I wonder if I heard a real thing or if it's the start of my descent into madness.
6) I worry that I'm going to end up hurting myself through no choice of my own. Despite all this, I still retain a love of life and of people, and I don't believe I have major depression. I'm on Sertraline and it has definitely helped with my overall mood, which has been quite good, but I worry that I'm on a descent and I'll end up doing something awful not because I want to but because I'll be too far gone to think properly.
7) I'm struggling with CBT. I'm naturally sceptical (not to be confused with pessimistic as I'm generally quite optimistic) and sometimes I almost want to chuckle or roll my eyes at things my therapist suggests. It's just the way I am. I struggle to practice some of it because it just sounds like claptrap to me. (IMPORTANT: if you're engaging with CBT, do not be deterred by my feelings about it - make your own judgement and remember that it has proven effective for many people).
8) I found a skin tag on my right pectoral muscle today. I'm not one to fret about melanoma and skin cancer for some reason, but I've seen anything on my body like this. I tried to pull it off as if it were a regular zit (sorry!) but it's fixed firmly to my skin and is painful to try and remove. It's flesh-coloured and is definitely not a freckle or mole. It protudes about 5mm straight out and can be pushed in any direction to lie flat against the skin. At 3:40am, there's literally nothing I can do and nobody I can ask - does anybody have any thoughts on what it could be.
9) I'm getting quite chubby from a poor diet brought on by my malaise and from taking an SSRI (I think this is the main cause), but I'm scared to exercise incase they've missed a heart condition, especially something like hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
I know this is a long one, but if anyone has the time to read and to offer any help, I'd be so grateful. Thanks as always.
1) For the past six years or so, I've been having these surging feelings, kind of like adrenaline rushes, which come out of the blue. Although I remain fully conscious and can remember the incidents 100% after they pass, my senses still feel strange during the episodes. I don't convulse or anything. I retain my ability to function as normal - although it feels strange. In my mind I see images that feel like memories (NOT hallucinations) that feel dreamlike. Historically, I've quite liked these feelings but now I have anxiety, I'm scared of them. I usually average one every two months or so, but I've had about four in the past 24 hours. It's very rare for me to have them in clusters. I told my GP and she didn't seem concerned - she seemed to think that my vivid description of the events rules out it being any kind of seizure. She said it sounds 'emotional' or 'psychological' to her and didn't even suggest tests. It can happen at any moment, but has been especially common when on the cusp of sleep. I'll be nodding off and then get woken up by an adrenaline surge and then it happens. However, it can and does happen in literally any situation. It's rounded off by sweating despite not feeling all that hot. Then it fades away. I notice no pain and it doesn't seem to involve palpitations or a racing heart.
I'll try to keep my further fears much more brief
2) I've always been a light sleeper and I've always been better at sleeping through the morning than at night, but recently my sleep has almost disappeared. I get a bit of it here and there, but barely any at night. I'm trying to stay calm, but unfortunately I happen to be aware of Sporadic Fatal Insomnia. I'm terrified of this condition. I don't worry about Fatal Familial Insomnia, but the sporadic form terrifies me. I wish I'd never heard of it. I'm worried it's happening to me, and the fact it's so rare isn't helping to comfort me. :(
3) Sometimes I feel divorced from my body, especially my limbs. It's like I still feel attached to them and I definitely have full control of them, but looking down on them just doesn't feel normal. It feels as if they aren't mine, even though I can see they are. Just to be clear, I am NOT experiencing paranoia about someone or something else controlling any part of me, mind or body. It's just a strange perception when I look down.
4) Aside from specific fears, I seem to be in this constant state of unspecified dread. It's there all the time, even when my anxiety is low or I have nothing worrying on my mind. I never knew I could feel like this. It makes me want to constantly seek reassurance, even though I know that just perpetuates the problem.
5) I've mentioned it before, but I fear going mad. I read back what I've written and it feels like the ramblings of a madman. I don't think I'm hearing voices or hallucinating, but the fact I'm scared of it makes me question reality. If one of my housemates makes a distant noise I only just catch, I wonder if I heard a real thing or if it's the start of my descent into madness.
6) I worry that I'm going to end up hurting myself through no choice of my own. Despite all this, I still retain a love of life and of people, and I don't believe I have major depression. I'm on Sertraline and it has definitely helped with my overall mood, which has been quite good, but I worry that I'm on a descent and I'll end up doing something awful not because I want to but because I'll be too far gone to think properly.
7) I'm struggling with CBT. I'm naturally sceptical (not to be confused with pessimistic as I'm generally quite optimistic) and sometimes I almost want to chuckle or roll my eyes at things my therapist suggests. It's just the way I am. I struggle to practice some of it because it just sounds like claptrap to me. (IMPORTANT: if you're engaging with CBT, do not be deterred by my feelings about it - make your own judgement and remember that it has proven effective for many people).
8) I found a skin tag on my right pectoral muscle today. I'm not one to fret about melanoma and skin cancer for some reason, but I've seen anything on my body like this. I tried to pull it off as if it were a regular zit (sorry!) but it's fixed firmly to my skin and is painful to try and remove. It's flesh-coloured and is definitely not a freckle or mole. It protudes about 5mm straight out and can be pushed in any direction to lie flat against the skin. At 3:40am, there's literally nothing I can do and nobody I can ask - does anybody have any thoughts on what it could be.
9) I'm getting quite chubby from a poor diet brought on by my malaise and from taking an SSRI (I think this is the main cause), but I'm scared to exercise incase they've missed a heart condition, especially something like hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
I know this is a long one, but if anyone has the time to read and to offer any help, I'd be so grateful. Thanks as always.