View Full Version : Introducing myself
Hello, I am Jon.
Not sure what to say, without sounding too desperate. I am 54, have suffered bouts of anxiety/depression all my life. I am in the 4th week of a big one, back on meds, seeing therapist. I am unable to work at present, and don't think I will ever work again, which is terrifying. I don't know how to fill the hours of the day, and can spend hours shaking. Unlike so many of you who seem to have partners, I live alone. The future just looks like much more of the same.
I have come to this site hoping there might be people in on-line real-time chat, but it doesn't look like that gets used a lot here, even though I'll have to wait 5 days till I'm allowed on.
Thanks for listening,
Jon
venusbluejeans
18-04-16, 16:11
Hiya JonBrave and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.
I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:
Jon,
I suffer with depression and Anxiety, I am 58 and also live alone. Because of my Mental Illness I am losing my business that I have had for 13 years.
More than likely I am going to have to file for disability soon.
So I understand your predicament
Dear Sookt,
I am in a similar position to you, I have run my own business for even longer, but now it is running out, it will fold, and I don't think I'll be able to find a job elsewhere. My sympathies to both of us.
Do you go to the Chat Room here?
Jon,
Sorry about your business, I feel your pain. No I never go to the chat room.
But I will follow this thread if you have any questions ?
I guess all I can say is, I don't think my nerves/anxiety would allow me to hold down a job even if I could find one. And after being my own boss, I think working for someone else would be too tense. Same sort of thing for you?
What will you do with yourself? I find the time --- day time especially --- hangs so heavily, the hours go so slowly. You?
J.
I am in the same boat that you are - I could not work for any one else.
Let see, what do I do with myself ? read ( which is hard to do ), meditate, get lunch, watch a little TV, get to bed early to escape my rotten life.
Besides this site I belong to two others and I post on them and read others battles with Mental Health.
Are you on any medication ?
T.
Dear Sookt/T,
Thank you for responding, so honestly.
I can relate to reading sometimes being hard --- when I'm bad I can't concentrate, I'm sure that's true for you too. Yesterday & today I made myself do a jigsaw puzzle, it's something you can do when other things seem too hard. I also recommend Microsoft Solitaire "FreeCell", which is free if you use Windows. When I can do either of these, even for a while, it beats just shaking!
What area has your business been in?
I had been on meds for many, many years. TBH, I am unsure whether they make much difference to me. As in, I still get these bad periods even when I am on them. So I had stopped a while back, but now with this terrible bout I am back on, though still finding they seem to make no difference to the anxiety I am going through. But I'll try anything! You?
I can only hope you had a better day today.
J.
Hey Jon,
Jigsaw puzzle can eat some time up to get through the day and solitaire is another good call. You actually shake, that cannot be any fun. But I must say that my arms and hands sometimes shake. I am on medication, saw my doctor today and she upped my dosage. I don't think the meds. are ever going to work for me either.
The highlight of my day was lunch out by myself and a 30 minute walk around a couple of blocks - I FEEL SO LONELY :(
I had a consulting business. I provided my construction knowledge, experience and education supporting insurance companies and law firms in construction Defect claims. If we could not settle the case in mediation and it went to trial I would testify as their Expert Witness.
Jon – actually I am very scared I have lost everything, my health and passions. Not only do I suffer with anxiety but I also suffer with Major depression. I think about ending it all a lot.
On a lighter note what kind of business did you own?
If you are going out of business is there some kind of Government financial support. Don’t people in the UK retire at 55 ?
T.
Idontwannago
20-04-16, 01:09
Hi Jon,
Pets are one of the most helpful things in my opinion. They give you a reson to get up, they give you something else to focus on and are great companions when you get lonely or shaky. I have a cat that demands to be fed in the morning and she sits on my lap when i watch tv. I also read, play games like candy crush, surf the internet and attempt to do craft if i am in the mood. Pinterest is a brilliant website for hobbies, craft or anything you can name.
Hope this helps :)
First reply to sookt/T,
Wow, your business sounds impressive, but stressful. Having to interact and speak in court is real hard if you're not feeling well.
I am so sorry you are obviously feeling so down. I can empathise with all that you say: the loneliness, coupled with the lack of anything to do all day long, really get through to you. I too have always suffered from depression, I don't know which of that & the anxiety cause the other. I know the scared feeling, and then the dark thoughts that come.
Do you no have any good days? Do you have any friends you can see? Do you live in a city, where maybe there are some activities you could attend? Do you want to share what meds you are on?
I managed to go into work today. I just bury my head about the business's future and do some work. I feel much better than sitting at home.
Your comment about us retiring at 55 in the UK made me smile :) It's 67 now, and probably 70 by the time I get there, so no! Besides, probably like you, it's not just the money, it's having something to do all week that I need.
I can only hope your mood picks up. Remember, it's not just the circumstances, it's how you react to them that's the issue for mental health.
Wishing you the very best,
Jon
---------- Post added at 21:06 ---------- Previous post was at 20:59 ----------
Second reply to Idontwannago,
I too have a cat, she's adorable. Though at the end of the day she only really cares that she gets fed! People have suggested a dog, because it makes you have go for a walk etc., but I really don't like pooches.
What in the world is "candy crush"? (Yes, I could look it up, but that's not the point.)
I'll check out Pinterest sometime. Most of my interests are intellectual/games rather than crafts or similar.
Thanks for your suggestions!
Jon
Jon,
Glad to see your back, been checking the post have not seen a response form you so I assumed that you moved on lol
Yeah my business can be very stressful at times. You never told what business you have ?
Thanks for the concerns regarding my moods. Bye the way I have a Cat, I love dogs but they can a pain in the arse also - real needy.
I actually don't remember having any great days for ever. The medications I currently take are 300mg Limictal, 45mg Remeron, 1mg Ativan 3 X a day, 1mg Rexulti and 3mg Lunesta for sleep.
What Medications are you taking ?
Sincerely,
Tim
We can retire at 62, 65 or 67. If I lose my business I am going to file for disability and retire at 62, less $$$ than 67 but I have no other choice.
Idontwannago
22-04-16, 01:02
Jon,
Candy crush is a game wher you have to match 3 pieces of candy in a line. You can get it as an app for your phone, ipad/tablet or play it online (i think) it is a puzzle game that is quite addicting.
Dogs are a lot more friendly/needy than a cat. They want to keep you company and like to play. If my place allowed dogs, I would get one in a heartbeat. Keeping fish is also a calming hobby to get into. I used to have a tropical fish tank. They kinda have their own personalities.
Working or volunteering helps me a lot with my depression because I am actually doing something than trying to sleep the day away. I work in Admin at an employment agency. Not my favourite job, but it does pay the bills and gives me something to do
@Idontwannago
Many years ago I did tropical fish tank. It looked great when it was all fresh, but try as I might it didn't stay that way. I can honestly say I never saw a fish which had a personality!
If I could sleep in the day I probably would to pass the day away atm. But I can't. I wonder how you got employed, because my anxiety/depression wouldn't let me, I don't think, unfortunately.
---------- Post added at 17:31 ---------- Previous post was at 17:16 ----------
@Sookt,
If you mean you were waiting to see whether I made a post here in response, thank you!
I thought I did say what I do, but maybe not. I write software, we have a couple of products we sell to businesses. It has been going for a very long time, but now it's running out, and, no, I can't invent anything new now.
Sorry you don't find you have any good days. I was feeling a bit better, went into work some days this week, but now I'm right back where I was. Horrible day today, which is Saturday when I'm usually at my best :(
If you don't mind me saying, you do seem to be on quite a lot of meds. I don't know most of them, and we use different names here anyway. I have spent most of my life on SSRIs of one kind or another, Prozac, Citalopram, Sertraline. I had stopped them, now for this bout in the last 4 weeks I have gone back onto Mirtazapine. That's supposed to be good for anxiety, apparently, but tbh does not seem to be making much difference.
I feel very low and anxious today. Life is tough.
J.
Hi Jon,
WOW writing software sounds daunting, you must be one smart son of a gun ( cowboy jargon ). Sorry you are not feeling well today neither am I. Yeah I am on a lot of meds., we both are on Mirtazapine ( also called Remeron in the US ). I have also ran the gamut of SSRI's and SNRI's.
I not feeling that the Remeron is doing much either, what dose are you on ?
I heard some bad news today. I good friend of mine who suffer like we do with Mental Illness has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He is going in for further test next week to see if It has spread. I could always count on him as someone that understood and never looked down his nose at me with my own struggles. He is a smart Attorney who lost his law practice 30 years ago because of this EFFIN disease called Mental Illness.
Positive thoughs for him !
Hi sookt,
Yes, like you, I seem to have been on everything. Interesting that Remeron is Mirtazapine and you are on it, it seems to have become "the flavour of the month" over here, I had not heard of it till six months ago, now all the docs prescribe it. I'm on the maximum dose of 45mg over these 4 weeks. I read it's supposed to be good for anxiety, but I haven't found it's made a blind bit of difference.
Sorry for the news from your pal. If you even have a friend who suffers & understands that's more than I have. My friends mean well, but haven't a clue what it's all about. Just be a good friend to him, given his news.
Software writing has been my life. But as you say, now that I am not well "daunting" is a fitting description. If I cannot concentrate 100% it's worse than impossible, I can actually do harm by introducing mistakes. So it's very hard to do atm.
I do notice --- and have always noticed --- that I am *really* bad in the mornings/early daytime. Mood can lift in the evening. Makes working hard. Do you have that pattern --- I gather it is pretty common for anxiety/depression to be worst early on in the day?
J.
Yo Jon,
Remeron is not a new drug, it has been around for a while. I wonder why so many Docs. are prescribing it, it does have fewer startup side effect than all the other drugs you & I have both been on. I, like yourself have not really felt any difference but I plan on giving it 6 weeks before I pull the plug, I am on 45mg also bit just for 1 week. I stated off on 30mg for 3 weeks before the dosage was increased.
Yes like most suffers we have the high anxiety in the morning, makes it hard to get out of bed to face the world. I can understand why you would not want to go to work with it being so damm hard to concentrate. I wish you had more support from your friends, most of mine just don't understand.
Thank you for your kind thoughts towards my suffering friend, needless to say he is very worried right now.
Chat soon - take care of yourself, I know how hard that can be with our disease.
Tim
Jon,
Long time no chat, how has the forum been treating you ?
How are you feeling these days ?
Tim
HI Tim,
Came back --- so nice to see you chose to post. I see that actually you posted last time, so it was really my turn --- sorry!
Right this minute I have taken another bit of vallie so am calming down --- for a couple of hours. I'm afraid I'm still in a real state. I went into work yesterday & today, so you'd think I'd be doing "better", but far from it. Sorry to sound negative. It's a constant fight against the anxiety all day every day. A while back I got better in the evenings, now they seem to be just as bad.
People ask me just what I am so anxious/ill over. In truth, I think now that I am anxious/ill over just how anxious/ill I feel all the time. Which I know is circular. Does this ever end? Even my therapist said "If I thought you could do something to get yourself out of this at the moment I would tell you so, but I don't think you can". She described me as too scared to live and too scared to die. I try, I expected going to work to pull me out of this as it has done in the past, but it isn't doing that.
Do you get it as bad as this --- anxiety every waking hour? I get the impression others here have periods, but mine is just all the time --- the only relief is valium or sleep.
Sorry to sound unrelentingly negative. It's therapeutic to just write some words. How is it going for you? It's a shame you don't come into chat.....
All the Best,
Jon
---------- Post added at 19:13 ---------- Previous post was at 19:12 ----------
Oh, P.S., if you feel like it, do post every day, I'll try to answer, gives me something to do!
Jon,
Sorry to hear that you are suffering so much with anxiety. I also suffer with it 24/7 since I have GAD. I just ordered a book off Amazon titled "At Last a life" by Paul David http://www.amazon.com/At-Last-Life-Paul-David/dp/0956948103
It's highly rated in this forum and on Amazon. Paul himself battled and beat anxiety then decided to write a self-help book on how he did it, he suffered for 10 years.
The 45mg Mirtazapine knocks we out to sleep for 10 hours a night,. does it help you sleep ?
I don't chat because I type too slow, I hunt a peck
Let’s stay in touch.
Tim
Hi Jon
I'm 60 years old, I am a nurse and have been unable to work for 2 years.
I love nursing, my identity is gone.
I have been struggling with trying med after med.
I have been volunteering teaching English as a second language but this week i have not felt well enough to go.
The days are very long, sleep is poor.
I enjoy this Forum, lots of helpful people on here.
The games and puzzles are fun.
I love golf and would love to be able to play again.
Keep in touch with us, please.
Nice to meet you.
Mugs
mindful anxiety
06-05-16, 16:40
Hi Jon,
Pets are one of the most helpful things in my opinion. They give you a reson to get up, they give you something else to focus on and are great companions when you get lonely or shaky. I have a cat that demands to be fed in the morning and she sits on my lap when i watch tv. I also read, play games like candy crush, surf the internet and attempt to do craft if i am in the mood. Pinterest is a brilliant website for hobbies, craft or anything you can name.
Hope this helps :)
I second this idea. It may not solve everything but it will put you in a better place mentally to allow for creative thinking and emotional relief.
Also, doing volunteer work at local organizations or even just making a different routine can sometimes lead to unexpected encounters and opportunities.
You could get a new dog and seek out a really nice nature trail to walk him on every morning. You may meet someone who walks the same trail everyday for the same reason.
Life has a way of surprising you when you think it has shown you everything.
Stay positive.
Jon,
Watch this video based on the book I suggested above https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7ggYze1IWk
HI Mugs & mindful anxiety - nice to meet you both.
Tim
Catsjulieanne
06-05-16, 19:09
Hi all, joined this forum a few days ago and its very helpful. I have been off work (in the offices at a local hospital) since early March, recently started on Mirtazapine (16 days ago) and feeling dreadful. Shakes, sweats, aches, confusion. I agree Mugs the days are unbearably long and the nights are sleepless. I live in the UK, am 45. Feeling isolated and scared.:weep:
Dear All,
You're all hi-jacking my thread of introducing myself ;) [Joke, meant nicely!!] But for those who are new you might wish to start your own "introduce myself" thread, so that people are talking directly to you. It's up to you... :)
@Mugs Sorry to hear you are struggling. Yes the days can seem so long. That is why I want to work, no work it's hard to know what to do with yourself.
@mindful Trouble is, I hate dogs, sorry :( Love my cat, but she doesn't think much of walking.... ;) I know I should be more outdoory, but unfortunately I'm not, I'm more "cerebral", which means a lot of sitting at home :( It's hard to change your underlying personality....
@Catsjulieanne Was real nice talking with you in Chat Room yesterday. It went quiet when you left! Sorry you're having such a bad time on the Mirtaz, like I said it might be exacerbated by what you are doing without too. I don't think Mirtaz has done that to me, but then again I don't think it's necessarily helped much either. Seems like Mirtaz is the global flavour of the year from GPs atm, we're all on it...! See you in Chat.
@sookt I will put that book on my list (UK Amazon!), and will watch the vid. I need to scroll back to see your messages, I'll post this now and then continue below....
---------- Post added at 19:52 ---------- Previous post was at 19:34 ----------
Jon,
Sorry to hear that you are suffering so much with anxiety. I also suffer with it 24/7 since I have GAD. I just ordered a book off Amazon titled "At Last a life" by Paul David http://www.amazon.com/At-Last-Life-Paul-David/dp/0956948103
It's highly rated in this forum and on Amazon. Paul himself battled and beat anxiety then decided to write a self-help book on how he did it, he suffered for 10 years.
The 45mg Mirtazapine knocks we out to sleep for 10 hours a night,. does it help you sleep ?
I don't chat because I type too slow, I hunt a peck
Let’s stay in touch.
Tim
OK, so it's Tim!
Doc ramped me up on Mirtaz 0->15->30->45 over two weeks. Didn't find it helped. I didn't like 45, and reduced to 30. Still on it, and still unconvinced. Unlike you/some, even in bad times I still manage to sleep, so that's not an issue for me. Indeed I am sleepy & zonked in the mornings, and sleep long, and then am so shaky, perhaps it is contributing to that. OTOH, I was barely eating at all (and I mean one sandwich per day), so she likes me on Mirtaz for that. Putting on the pounds is not a problem for me like it is for others, I can go down to 133 lbs (or below, went down into 120s once) when I get anxiety...
I love Americanisms, what does "hunt a peck" mean?? And in case I haven't asked/remind me, whereabouts in USA are you?
Just right now atm today, after seeing doctor, and taking a valium, and managing half a day's work, and having friends who are worried choosing to drive 200 miles to come check on me for weekend later tonight, I am perhaps in the best place I have been for 5 weeks! Doc talked me through again about how she feels I am under medicating on diazepam she has given me. I am so aware that benzos are short-term, and that I will have to cope without them, that I am so reluctant to use them enough. But just her saying she wants me to take more has somehow calmed me down, I've only taken 1mg today and am managing still at 8pm. Oh, btw, yes, I am very much GAD too.
We'll see whether this lasts. Of course I hope it does, but as I've said before so often I can go to bed positive and then it starts over next day back to square one. Fingers crossed.....
All the best,
Jon
the JONster,
Hunt and peck means I have to look at the key board and use one finger per hand - I am very slow compared to a true typist, that's why I run from the Chatrooms :)
Mirt is suppose to boost your appetite, you should be eating more than one sandwich a day.
I have been on 45mg's for two weeks now, started at 30mg's for 2 weeks. I guess I am going to give it 8 weeks at 45mg's before I give up.
Have you ever taken meds. with good results ? I have and boy what a great feeling !
I live in Huntington Beach, California ( aka Surf City ). where do you live ?
Sounds like you are doing VERY well, I wish I could say that :(
Have a good time with your friends tonight - they sound like caring friends to drive 200 miles to check up on you !
I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling Brillant.
Sincerely,
Tim
Hi TIMster,
Sorry I didn't come back yesterday, because I would like to keep up a daily correspondence.
I was feeling so good when I wrote my previous, waiting for my friends to arrive. They were so kind to come all this way.
Bit since then --- even when they were here --- I slumped back to square one :( It's so disappointing. So I'm not doing very well after all.
Most days I do manage to eat more than a sandwich, though it's often a struggle.
Seemingly like many other people, I am unconvinced that Mirtaz does much. I am very shaky when I wake up in the morning, don't know if that's from the Mirtaz the night before, but then again I was shaky when I wasn't on it. I reckon I've done a month on it now.
Yes, in the past, when I went on SSRIs it seemed to give good results. But again like others I have been finding them "wearing off" now. Doc has put me on "escitalopram" (look it up, Lexapro/Cipralex) which is not the same thing as "citalopram" (Celexa/Cipramil), supposed I believe to be good for anxiety. Maybe 10 days, but I'm still as nervous messed as ever, I know I have to give it time.
Surf City sounds good, I live in sleep county "Devon" in South West of England. You'd probably think it "quaint". I live outside town, so a bit isolated. I have 3 or 4 friends here, when I lived in town there were more amenities and people around but I never made friends of neighbours, so who knows. Do you have any friends, how often do you see them?
I have the terrible anxiety that will hit me tomorrow morning, I will go into work some days for a while I hope but it's such a struggle. Same for you?
Your "hunt & peck" shouldn't put you off from chats, I am a computer programmer but only use my two index fingers to type!
Keep in touch,
Jon
YO Jon,
Thanks for your reply I look forward to them - we suffer together.
Sorry to hear that you slumped while your friends were with you. I to don't think the Mirt. is working, I still have a lot of depression and anxiety all day, the mornings being the worst. I have taken Lexapro with no noticeable results.
Devon sounds like a nice place to live, out amongst the trees and nature. How long does it take for you get to work ?
I am going to try a new treatment called transcranial magnetic stimulation ( TMS ) = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuBt2Z1oIV8
Jon I hope you start feeling better, is TMS available in the UK ?
Positive thoughts,
Tim
TMS = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Izin3jTKNik + https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QwCuglKjME
Hey Tim,
Had a look at your TMS video. Looks a bit like a shot in the dark to me, but if it turns out to work for you, good luck. I don't think it's available, or widely available, in the UK.
So down today. Cannot imagine myself back at work, despite couple of days last week. Feel lower than ever. Getting through on diazepam, which they ask me to take, but I know must be short-term. Sure I'm losing weight.
I finally get an appointment with med psych in two weeks, I believe. But she's the one who got me put on Lexapro, it seems to me I've been on everything.
Today I hid in bed, visited a friend for half an hour, walked maybe better part of an hour. Mental health just asks me to keep myself occupied.
I see you're on-line --- what have you done today?
J.
Jon,
I tried to respond to your PM's but I am sure I don't know what I am doing ? The TMS has a 50% success rate - what do I got to lose. I am struggling a lot today Jon also like you.
Keep your weight up, you need your health.
I have done shit today except going on the Depression forms and watching TMS video's on YouTube.
I am falling behind in everything - aw **** it I give up.
Sounds like you were fairly active today, good for you at least one of use was.
Fight the good fight,
Tim
Tim, I have been relying to your via PMs, have you managed to find/read them? :)
I think so ? I keep getting the same three messages. It’s just me not knowing what I am doing ?
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.