My desperate cry for help!

[Needsupport]

Dear all,
I do not know what I hope to accomplish by writing this as I feel completely helpless at this point. It may be LONG, but PLEASE PLEASE READ and offer advice. I am going through a lot. I suffer from OCD which unfortunately for me has decided to focus on my health. Here is a little background:

Two months ago I was a very happy girl, planning my wedding, hanging out with friends, full of dreams and hopes. I was finally entering my last semester of grad school and it seemed that everything was falling into place. The wedding planning process and school turned out to be overwhelming and stressful but I thought I could handle it. (NOTE: Anyone suffering from anxiety, do NOT let the stress overwhelm you. DO NOT allow yourself to be put in very stressful situations- it will trigger your ocd/anxiety).


Then, I literally woke up one morning and my OCD about HIV returned.I had not thought about it in 7 years. It got worse as the days went on and I finally decided to get tested. The main reason why I was getting tested was due to doctor needles and injections I have received in the past. This made getting a standard blood draw for testing very difficult for me so I opted for a mouth swab HIV test. I took this test twice at a clinic and one at home (I live in the U.S so it is approved for home use as well). This test has caused me so much anxiety and a downward spiral. First, (I don't know if they are being overly cautious) but it just has so many "if you do this- you can't rely on your results as accurate"- which of course sent me into panic mode.

Test 1- girl at the clinic did NOT tell me not to drink water 15 mins prior to taking the test so I could not remember if I had or had not. Test was negative but left me with doubts.
Test 2- SOMEHOW, SOMEHOWWWW as I was swabbing my gums, the test pad hit my wisdom tooth and picked up something from it. Very small but nonetheless- was it a food particle? was it plaque? Apparently, food cannot get into the test pad, "or your results may not be accurate". Test was negative.
Test 3- I broke down and went and bought the same test but for home use. I followed all instructions and it was negative. Relieved? Of course! Until, I find out the pharmacy accepts returns of this test. At this point, I lost it. They claimed they do not put them back on the shelf but that wasn't reassuring enough. The girl even said nobody had returned any of those tests. See, these tests need to be kept at a CERTAIN TEMP otherwise they won't work. If someone bought the test before me, kept it at the wrong temp, returned it, and if they put it back on the shelf and I bought it, the results could be wrong.


Now, I feel that I am completely having a mental breakdown. I had to withdraw from my classes, I can't stop obsessing over this ALL DAY. I get panic attacks. On top of not trusting the tests, I have become paranoid that the tests could have somehow infected me (i HAVE VARIOUS THOUGHTS OF HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED, which I'm hoping are ocd thoughts). I know I can go and get retested but it's really not that simple.
1. It took all the strength I had to get tested. Very scary for me!
2. I am scared of the results if I had something.
3. If my results come back negative and I do any test that requires blood, I will have OCD about THAT test possibly infecting me.
4. I could do another oral swab test but seeing how they have sent me off the deep end- I am not sure they are a good idea. Plus, I fear that somehow they could infect me too. For a whole month, I became obsessed that they had infected me and felt tremendous guilt for taking them. Still struggling with this.
5. I can not test and somehow deal with the anxiety every day as I have been doing.


It has been a little over 2 months that I have been dealing with this and I can NO LONGER TAKE IT. I am also not working, so imagine being home alone all day with severe panic attacks and OCD attacking your brain 24/7. I have disconnected myself from my old life. I cry everyday. I miss my friends, I miss going out, I miss MYSELF so much. I feel like a shell of myself. Please someone give me some advice on what I can do. I will look for a job. SOMEONE OUT THERE PLEASE HELP AND OFFER SUPPORT. My OCD won't let go.

[Holds1325]

I am going to assume you know what the real problem here is, its not HIV its OCD. Most people with HIV go on and live okay lives with modern medicine reducing the HIV antibodies to an almost undetectable level.

However, thats not the problem here, the problem is the obsession. How many times have you actually tested for it? Why the sudden fear? Do you fear death? Life even? Sickness? Are you worried about leaving someone behind?

A little background on the HIV test, what it looks for is Anti-bodies. This is what any test does when looking for infection. The fact that it came up negative 3 TIMES indicates that you have no antibodies for this infection. There are also controls when doing this test that lab technicians know of. If infact the control is off then it means the test results are skewed and therefore they know that and will tell you and you can re-test. They dont just test and throw it out there, they have procedures, very refined accurate procedures. Not to mention if the temperature was off, it would throw the control off as well which would raise a red flag.

Finally, keep your mind from the thoughts of what if what if what if. You 100% don't have it I am going to assume. Not to mention, why let OCD ruin your life when you could be spending time having fun and enjoying it. Thats the thing, dont let OCD win.
You're fine, you WILL be fine.

[Needsupport]

Yes, but clearly the test has limitations as I stated. I am hoping that they are just being overly cautious but I don't know. It doesn't help that when I call their line, nobody can give me clear answers.

Also, I know why let OCD win? Unfortunately, if I could just snap out of it, I would. It is just so hard and with me currently not even working, it makes it even harder. I just don't know if I should go for another test.

[Nicholebear]

Don't go for another test. It won't help. Because even if it comes back negative, you will find a way to think that it won't be accurate.

Have you had sex with your partner without a comdom? Are you worried they have HIV?

Three tests being negative is a pretty good indicator you don't have HIV. This isn't a thing to be worried about

I think most people here really need therapy, including myself. Our health anxiety is based on an underlying issue. I know what mine are, and it helps me a lot. My whole teenage years I was physically, verbally, and mentally abused by my former stepdad. My mind has been trained to be on the defensive. Always worrying about my surroundings.

Well, finally got out of that situation, and have a chance to be happy and not worry, which worked well for a few months. Then my mind fell back into its old habits. Wanting to worry about something. But since there was nothing to worry about, my mind just created its own things to worry about. That's when I became hypersensitive to every change in my body and started causing myself a ton of symptoms. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. But now that I've figured this out. It's a lot easier to cope with it. The rational side is slowly beating the irrational side. I suggest you take a look at your past and current situation, and if nothing stands out, maybe make an appointment with a therapist and give it a shot.

[Needsupport]

Thank you for your response! I am struggling so much within myself right now.
Looking back at my past, I see a mixture of happiness and trauma for sure. I know I have experienced a lot of trauma but I am not sure if I can blame my OCD on that.

I got triggered because I have seen medical assistants just fill up syringes and then let them laying around with me IN THE ROOM! This of course makes me think they can let syringes lying around the room with anyone else and how do I know that that patient won't have something and get up and prick themselves? These syringes are in dermatologist office for a biopsy or dentist office for local anesthesia. We can all agree that medical personnel should NOT just let a syringe unsupervised. It has caused so much panic inside of me.

I am actually terrified to get tested and the fact that I did this THREE TIMES took an incredible amount of courage. I was a mess those days, shaking and crying the entire time. I truly believed these were legitimate tests that would give me answers though.

It isn't just because of my OCD that I wonder about the test results. It's because the tests themselves seem to be prone to human error (as I explained above). I am not sure if they are just leaning on the cautious side though. I really hope they are.

I also have developed this fear that the tests themselves could have possibly infected me. I'm having a mental breakdown over all of this and I really have no clue what to do about it.