Needsupport
18-04-16, 20:35
Dear all,
I do not know what I hope to accomplish by writing this as I feel completely helpless at this point. It may be LONG, but PLEASE PLEASE READ and offer advice. I am going through a lot. I suffer from OCD which unfortunately for me has decided to focus on my health. Here is a little background:
Two months ago I was a very happy girl, planning my wedding, hanging out with friends, full of dreams and hopes. I was finally entering my last semester of grad school and it seemed that everything was falling into place. The wedding planning process and school turned out to be overwhelming and stressful but I thought I could handle it. (NOTE: Anyone suffering from anxiety, do NOT let the stress overwhelm you. DO NOT allow yourself to be put in very stressful situations- it will trigger your ocd/anxiety).
Then, I literally woke up one morning and my OCD about HIV returned.I had not thought about it in 7 years. It got worse as the days went on and I finally decided to get tested. The main reason why I was getting tested was due to doctor needles and injections I have received in the past. This made getting a standard blood draw for testing very difficult for me so I opted for a mouth swab HIV test. I took this test twice at a clinic and one at home (I live in the U.S so it is approved for home use as well). This test has caused me so much anxiety and a downward spiral. First, (I don't know if they are being overly cautious) but it just has so many "if you do this- you can't rely on your results as accurate"- which of course sent me into panic mode.
Test 1- girl at the clinic did NOT tell me not to drink water 15 mins prior to taking the test so I could not remember if I had or had not. Test was negative but left me with doubts.
Test 2- SOMEHOW, SOMEHOWWWW as I was swabbing my gums, the test pad hit my wisdom tooth and picked up something from it. Very small but nonetheless- was it a food particle? was it plaque? Apparently, food cannot get into the test pad, "or your results may not be accurate". Test was negative.
Test 3- I broke down and went and bought the same test but for home use. I followed all instructions and it was negative. Relieved? Of course! Until, I find out the pharmacy accepts returns of this test. At this point, I lost it. They claimed they do not put them back on the shelf but that wasn't reassuring enough. The girl even said nobody had returned any of those tests. See, these tests need to be kept at a CERTAIN TEMP otherwise they won't work. If someone bought the test before me, kept it at the wrong temp, returned it, and if they put it back on the shelf and I bought it, the results could be wrong.
Now, I feel that I am completely having a mental breakdown. I had to withdraw from my classes, I can't stop obsessing over this ALL DAY. I get panic attacks. On top of not trusting the tests, I have become paranoid that the tests could have somehow infected me (i HAVE VARIOUS THOUGHTS OF HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED, which I'm hoping are ocd thoughts). I know I can go and get retested but it's really not that simple.
1. It took all the strength I had to get tested. Very scary for me!
2. I am scared of the results if I had something.
3. If my results come back negative and I do any test that requires blood, I will have OCD about THAT test possibly infecting me.
4. I could do another oral swab test but seeing how they have sent me off the deep end- I am not sure they are a good idea. Plus, I fear that somehow they could infect me too. For a whole month, I became obsessed that they had infected me and felt tremendous guilt for taking them. Still struggling with this.
5. I can not test and somehow deal with the anxiety every day as I have been doing.
It has been a little over 2 months that I have been dealing with this and I can NO LONGER TAKE IT. I am also not working, so imagine being home alone all day with severe panic attacks and OCD attacking your brain 24/7. I have disconnected myself from my old life. I cry everyday. I miss my friends, I miss going out, I miss MYSELF so much. I feel like a shell of myself. Please someone give me some advice on what I can do. I will look for a job. SOMEONE OUT THERE PLEASE HELP AND OFFER SUPPORT. My OCD won't let go.
I do not know what I hope to accomplish by writing this as I feel completely helpless at this point. It may be LONG, but PLEASE PLEASE READ and offer advice. I am going through a lot. I suffer from OCD which unfortunately for me has decided to focus on my health. Here is a little background:
Two months ago I was a very happy girl, planning my wedding, hanging out with friends, full of dreams and hopes. I was finally entering my last semester of grad school and it seemed that everything was falling into place. The wedding planning process and school turned out to be overwhelming and stressful but I thought I could handle it. (NOTE: Anyone suffering from anxiety, do NOT let the stress overwhelm you. DO NOT allow yourself to be put in very stressful situations- it will trigger your ocd/anxiety).
Then, I literally woke up one morning and my OCD about HIV returned.I had not thought about it in 7 years. It got worse as the days went on and I finally decided to get tested. The main reason why I was getting tested was due to doctor needles and injections I have received in the past. This made getting a standard blood draw for testing very difficult for me so I opted for a mouth swab HIV test. I took this test twice at a clinic and one at home (I live in the U.S so it is approved for home use as well). This test has caused me so much anxiety and a downward spiral. First, (I don't know if they are being overly cautious) but it just has so many "if you do this- you can't rely on your results as accurate"- which of course sent me into panic mode.
Test 1- girl at the clinic did NOT tell me not to drink water 15 mins prior to taking the test so I could not remember if I had or had not. Test was negative but left me with doubts.
Test 2- SOMEHOW, SOMEHOWWWW as I was swabbing my gums, the test pad hit my wisdom tooth and picked up something from it. Very small but nonetheless- was it a food particle? was it plaque? Apparently, food cannot get into the test pad, "or your results may not be accurate". Test was negative.
Test 3- I broke down and went and bought the same test but for home use. I followed all instructions and it was negative. Relieved? Of course! Until, I find out the pharmacy accepts returns of this test. At this point, I lost it. They claimed they do not put them back on the shelf but that wasn't reassuring enough. The girl even said nobody had returned any of those tests. See, these tests need to be kept at a CERTAIN TEMP otherwise they won't work. If someone bought the test before me, kept it at the wrong temp, returned it, and if they put it back on the shelf and I bought it, the results could be wrong.
Now, I feel that I am completely having a mental breakdown. I had to withdraw from my classes, I can't stop obsessing over this ALL DAY. I get panic attacks. On top of not trusting the tests, I have become paranoid that the tests could have somehow infected me (i HAVE VARIOUS THOUGHTS OF HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED, which I'm hoping are ocd thoughts). I know I can go and get retested but it's really not that simple.
1. It took all the strength I had to get tested. Very scary for me!
2. I am scared of the results if I had something.
3. If my results come back negative and I do any test that requires blood, I will have OCD about THAT test possibly infecting me.
4. I could do another oral swab test but seeing how they have sent me off the deep end- I am not sure they are a good idea. Plus, I fear that somehow they could infect me too. For a whole month, I became obsessed that they had infected me and felt tremendous guilt for taking them. Still struggling with this.
5. I can not test and somehow deal with the anxiety every day as I have been doing.
It has been a little over 2 months that I have been dealing with this and I can NO LONGER TAKE IT. I am also not working, so imagine being home alone all day with severe panic attacks and OCD attacking your brain 24/7. I have disconnected myself from my old life. I cry everyday. I miss my friends, I miss going out, I miss MYSELF so much. I feel like a shell of myself. Please someone give me some advice on what I can do. I will look for a job. SOMEONE OUT THERE PLEASE HELP AND OFFER SUPPORT. My OCD won't let go.