Controlling our thoughts and feelings

[skylight2007]

Hiya all, for the past few days I have been sitting reading so many posts, whilst I have not had a panic attack for years, I wanted to share with you all my meaning of understandng ,coping with the feelings hope it makes some sense!!!!
Its a very strange concept to understand negative energies, and by this I mean how I internalised my thought process the feelings I had experienced.
Writing became a huge part of my healing, and the biggest fear of all was to face the feelings.
I never knew the journey that I was about to take, was on of an emotional roller coaster. Everything about my personality was about to change, from living in fear to living in trust!!!!!!!!
I just didnt trust my feelings, and I certainly had lost my own identity, I was not a person in my own right, I had lived in a controlling environment filled with violence and emotional abuse, spending my whole childhood witnessing this and hiding from it, but still putting up a good strong front, to be the peace maker, and never knowing how to deal with confrontation, and being super hypersensitive. I always felt as if I was living the lives of someone else, I was I was living the lives of my parents, I felt like them, internalised their feelings and emotions, and their fears.
Facing my anxieites and panic attacks my parents never ever knew, I had the most horrnedous nightmares, and flashes in my head, each night as I lay my head on my pillow, my mind was on them, whats going to happen next, I would hear loud voices in my head and people laughing, and suffered severe sleep disorders, fearing sleeping and never waking up, I had so much fear but had no control to do anything about the situation with my parents.
The challenge for change;
As a growing adult I knew that love, acceptance, trust saftey, honesty, were never a part of my childhood. control, manipulatin, anger, jealousy, suspiscion, hatred, lack of trust, dishonesty, pride, arguements, insults, silence, fear of talking, fear of laughing, fear of having a good time, guilty for laughing, guilty for feeling happy, everything was back to front to what we percieve is a healthy upbringing.
No trust , No saftey just fear of living with two people who where cleary disfunctional emotionally but still carryed on as normal , the life of hiding behind closed doors.
The healing journey was to learn HOW TO LOVE, AND HOW TO FORGIVE. MOSTLY HOW TO FORGIVE MYSELF!!. I had to learn all the good qualities of what love looks like and feel like, and it took years to do so, weaning off years of controlled thinking and feeling worthless.
As time progressed, the inner challenge of beliefs began to transform, I became more open with others, respected those people who I would never had looked at in my past, those on the streets, drunks, drug addicts etc.. by heart was growing in understanding and compassion. I was getting in touch with my own feelings, my own beliefs, creating if you like, or developing my own sense of self worth and slowly but surely , I had my own personality hope that makes sense. I learned that love was the fundemental truth that I needed to learn about myself and as my thoughts and feelings changed, my panic became a thing of my past, it came from my past, it was created by my parents, I lived with it and now its not part of me, why, because I am now someone who has my own feelings, my own ideas and someone who always encourages others to be better people someone who had developed positive qualities of trust, honesty, can say sorry, can admit my mistakes, has strong opinions but without disrespecting others, a healthy balance of doing for others but not forgetting about myself, can cope with strong emotions, deal with conflicts, enjoy my own company as well as others, and has learned how to manage my stress without it taking control over me. The trusting has become stronger because I have become stronger and I can discriminate between what is my truth and what others want me to believe, meaning I can reflect on what is fear and what is love and I choose always to live in Love.


love skylight.

[mirry]

Skylight, that was a lovely post, everything you wrote made sence to me. My childhood was just like your discription of your childhood.
I like the way you describe everything as back to front , thats exactly how my childhood with my parents was like.
Extream emotions, extream behaviour, judgemental comments, an oscar award in pretence, different people inside the house and different people outside.

I am retraining my beliefs, I am my own person now and I believe im making a slow recovery, I still get panics now and then but I strive to be everything they are not.

[skylight2007]

Hiya there mirry!! thank you for your reply, and for your kind words, I am glad your trying to retrain your beliefs and trying to be a better person than your parents, one of things that I loved you saying is the pretence!!!! funny enough I cant tell you how the whole family begins to collude pretending that nothing is happening, due to this is made me think how was anything ever going to change, when the adults never took any kind of responsibity to CHANGE,. It so sad that soooo many children today are suffering like this and when they become older they often repeat what they have learnt or suffer from severe anxiety Mirry.
If no one ever takes responsibility for their actions then how is anything going to change and whats worse even though their is a huge pretence going on, denial, it taught me many years ago to deny my very exsistance!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my feelings, and hide like my parents.
Even though they could never admit, and this is the pride I spoke about, their actions and attitude and beliefs about themselves were apparent and not so hidden.
Both of parents could never admit they did anything wrong, and never admit they made mistakes. I have been on such an internal journey to become a better person.
Yes Mirry everything about thier beliefs were topsy turvy, back to front because, both saw THE BAD IN THE GOOD , AND THE GOOD IN THE BAD is that distorted thinking or what!!!!
If a person has lived a life of control whether it be any of the 4 forms of abuse, how are they ever going to know what is a healthy relationship , this explains why so many people often end up in relationships like their parents, like history repeating itself and it is not uncommon for that to happen. my answer was to learn the opposite of what I learned.
The journey Mirry to retrain your beliefs is a constant healing journey, and if you have the determination and the will to make those changes, then your life can only become better and better and hopefully the anxieties become less with more understanding of your own growing beliefs.

Once again thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
Love skylight:hugs:

[fightingonstill]

Skylight, that is a lovely post to read and i am so glad to hear how much youve overcome!
I am also in the process of re training my mind. I am fighting out all the negative low self esteem and inputting healthy positive attitude though i am finding it a real struggle to be honest, though i wont give up!
Nikki x

[kimmy]

I love your post, it was very genuine and sincere. Well done for all you have achieved. I try to think more positive and rarely have a panic and just mild anxiety sometimes. BUT I try to stay positive. When I was at my worst I used to say positive affermations to myself- changing the negative thoughts I would plauge my mind with. With this my thought process began to change and I appreciate all I did for myself!

[Wenjoy]

Hi - I know where you are coming from - I had a very sad childhood being knocked about by my mother as she knew no better way of punishing a bad child and grew up with social anxiety eg couldnt eat out coz as a child I was punhished and made to sit at the table for hours until Id eaten everything - felt worthless and unloved and am gradually learning to forgive my mother as she thought she was being a good mum as I was her first child - however I still have problems loving myself - I never feel worthy of even my husbands love - I feel I am a let down to some people but I know Im a decent person - I think our childhood shapes us and our future and if you realise this, as I have, then you hav eto try to move on and forgive - not easy at all!! Wenjoy x

[PUGLETMUM]

awww wenjoy that is so sad, and i completely understand about how the things our parents did had a negative impact(this was created for me by my father) on us and how it has left me with a lifelong inferiority comlex because im the only one of 3 that this has happened to! plus then we have such an impact on our loved ones that it is sometimes virtually impossible to feel positive.

saying that though, i definately agree with whats been said,that it does all stem from these negative thoughts, and that replacing them with positive ones is always going to help. but like you say wenjoy you can actually understand where its all come from but on a regular basis STILL feel like c***.

emma

[pauline]

What a lovely, thoughtful, upbuilding post that was Skylight.

I was just wondering how many people on here who suffer with anxiety and panic have had a childhood's just like yours.

I myself was brought up in children's home and then fostered when i was 7 to people that should never of been allowed to foster. I was never told i was loved only abused and shouted at. I agree that how you are treated as a child affects you for the rest of your life. But i do also see that it is only up to us to change things. I have 3 grown up children and it is only now that i am beginning to see that they love me, that it is unconditional love that they feel for me. Even though at times i have not been the best of mums. I know that i have made mistakes with them and have said i am sorry, they still love me. Thats such a good feeling. I really believe that is why now after 17 years of panic and anxiety that i am getting better. Because i can see that i am loved and it does not matter if i feel anxious with my children they accept me for me. Knowing that you are loved makes all the difference.

I have spent all those years trying to hide from the fear, i was ashamed that i have anxiety and thought people would not love me, not like me. But that is not the case. People who genuinly care accept you warts and all. lol

Take care

[sweetpea]

Just wanted to say your post is amazing...v inspiring. You've been on an incredible journey and you sound so positive.

"From living in fear to living in trust..."

I like that... very powerful. Can I borrow it?!

xs

[skylight2007]

Just wanted to say your post is amazing...v inspiring. You've been on an incredible journey and you sound so positive.

"From living in fear to living in trust..."

I like that... very powerful. Can I borrow it?!

xs

Yes hon you can keep it!!!!!!!!! hope your well sweetpea!!! thank you for your lovely reply, hope it brings more awareness and understanding. Love skylgiht

[skylight2007]

Skylight, I am fighting out all the negative low self esteem and inputting healthy positive attitude though i am finding it a real struggle to be honest, though i wont give up!
Nikki x

Hiya there fightingonstill, thank you hon for your lovely reply, sometimes when we challenge our thoughts, to continue to do the positive, the old beliefs often pulls us back, I found this a normal process a bit like trying to give up an old habit, you have the right attitude not to give up!!!! and always be kind to yourself for the efforts you do make, all too often we never ever give ourself credit for making those hard changes, and it can be easy to sink back into the negative, remember it is only the old feelings that your challenging, and that can be hard, but it does get easier alongside the strength , and confidence , building self esteem like you said, that inner strength will continue to grow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! each time you persist in challenging your negative thoughts!!!!! Love skylight

[skylight2007]

I was just wondering how many people on here who suffer with anxiety and panic have had a childhood's just like yours.

Hiya there pauline, Thank you for your reply, It a good question and I feel their is always a possibility that some of us may have, for myself during healing I began to read about charities such as childline, Rspcc, domestic violence sites, and the list goes on, I knew from my understand that so many children who are adults today are still suffering with the various forms of anxieties disorders and it seems that panic attacks are very high on the list of symptoms.
I am so glad that you know your children love you, and you feel accepted, yes pauline we all make mistakes, and we can correct them, I always feel we are like guardian angels sometimes, because not only are we parents or carers, but we are also here to guide our children, and quiet often they learn from our examples, childrens minds being like sponges soak up every attitude and feeling, and the more they are loved, Unconditionally , the more they come to accept all parts of them, like you said, warts and all.
And the ability to SAY SORRY!!! is the most wonderful feeling because it means so much more than words to our children.
Thank you also for sharing your thoughts, I wish you well. love skylight

[skylight2007]

I never feel worthy of even my husbands love - I feel I am a let down to some people but I know Im a decent person - I think our childhood shapes us and our future and if you realise this, as I have, then you hav eto try to move on and forgive - not easy at all!! Wenjoy x

Hiya Wenjoy, thanks hon for your reply, I understand how you feel about yourself, and from your experiences their is always the possibility that we tell ourself , we are not worthy of being loved!!!!!!!!!!! or we dont deserve to be loved, or why would anyone want to be with me, whats their to love about me, etc.......... a negative thinking pattern of the way you were made to feel, but the belief is not yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you a let down to some people? can we always be emotionally available to others?

Its ok sometimes to do what you feel and need to do for yourself and yes you are a decent person, with thoughts and ideas of your own, and your continuing to grow and heal. Forgiveness comes in time, but it can be done even the road is often differcult, its road of untangling emotions and feelings, and becoming a better person, for yourself and others. Love skylight

[skylight2007]

Thanks kimmy for your reply too, I am a great believer in positive affirmations, in challenging our thought process. I think its worth persisiting as this does have a benefical affect on our feelings and helping us to focus on good things. Love skylight

[skylight2007]

:hugs: Hiya everyone, for those of you who have been reading my posts , thank you very much for taking the time to read them. During my healing, I wrote these poems, and I hope they may be of comfort to you as are to me!!! Love skylight



Empowering Our Vulnerability











There may come a time in our lives when we may become habitually stuck in our own world. Our reasons may be many where time stands still.



Sometimes it could be a sense of loss, having no direction, or deterioration in our health. We may feel that life is passing us by where our days become months without us realising so.



When our hearts become closed we lose our self motivation, withdraw from those we love and our will to enjoy the goodness of life.



Honouring our vulnerabilities is to accept that our inner healing is not always an easy path.



Sometimes we may not want others to know how we feel. We may feel a loss of personal respect, a sense of resentment, contemplating on what we use to do and how active our lives use to be. We may feel a sense of failure and worthlessness of a life we no longer have.



During these periods of healing we may also feel a continued wave of sadness, despair, loneliness and a lack of human touch and compassion. We may experience moments of no communication and may need support and companionship, but the days go by and the only company we have is our self.



We may experience our Vulnerability as a weakness but when we find the courage to share our deepest thoughts with those who care our insecurities become our strength. We find the love and understanding of others helps us to feel safe and accepted.



Facing the world with a new sense of upliftment we begin to take small steps in enjoying the simple things in life which we have put on hold for so long and our rising spirit begins to embrace the new freshness of living as time begins to move once more.


:flowers: Love skylight

[skylight2007]

Our guiding spirit











Moving ahead sometimes makes us question what are we holding onto. We can feel a sense of security for the things we feel safe in and taking a chance to let go may not always be easy.



There maybe times when we feel we have learnt all that we can in our surroundings and changing our direction increases and expands our ability to grow and to continue to learn.



We may wonder what the future holds but new opportunities grace us when we take a step out of our safe environment.



Our guiding spirit is always encouraging us to evolve and whenever we feel a sense of change it is our loving spirit within, pushing us forward for a new beginning and new awakening.



Our experiences we leave behind are not forgotten as those skills and abilities help us to combine our new knowledge. We never forget what we have learnt and we take those lessons into the future.



Sometimes the lessons we learn may not be welcomed but they serve a purpose for our spiritual growth and spiritual well being. During those times we may fight against what does not feel right but those changes can open doors to unexpected challenges, forging us ahead into areas where we feel we may not be ready but our guiding loving spirit never puts us in a situation were we cannot cope.



Our guiding spirit knows what we need and you will find that the changes you embrace will bring forth an abundance of support when you least expect it to help you along your spiritual journey.










Embracing Anger











Many situations in our life can make us feel as if we have done wrong

and sharing how we feel is often very hard to those whom we would like to be heard.



Our feelings of anger can leave us living in the past, and stop us from growing.

We have a tendency to want to be loved, held, cherished and understood, but we

stop receiving these acts of love when our hearts are consumed with sadness.



Learning to embrace our anger is to accept and value that we feel the way we do.

Instead of creating an emotional distance from our true self we can learn to nourish and comfort that part of us which we have ignored.



When we begin to embrace the pain that we feel we slowly come realise the beauty

of our anger. Our hearts become open as we begin to hear and welcome that part of

our sadness left untouched and unnoticed.



There is part of us that is truly forgiving, forgiving ourselves for not listening, for not

allowing ourselves the ability to heal and grow, for not allowing ourselves to become

A better person as a whole.



When we nurture our anger with love and self compassion, we no longer blame ourselves or others whom we feel is responsible. Our anger is no longer experienced

as a negative force but a positive energy where we have the ability to take back control in our lives. Instead of concentrating on what we feel we have lost, we begin

To live in the present and value what we do have.

[skylight2007]

Our Gift of Creation.









There may come a time in our life when we may not be aware that some aspects of our past are relived in the present and history can repeat itself without us noticing.



Many moments that we shared were filled with the joys of laughter and the

Sounds of happiness. We cherish these memories dearly and hold them

close to our hearts.



Sometimes we may have memories that consume our hearts with grief and despair, that we choose to forget, but is left unresolved. Once in a while we may find ourselves wondering through those days gone by, searching for an answer were we feel things could have been different and we may feel robbed of a better life we know we deserved.



We may not realise that our memories of good and bad are laced with pearls of wisdom, paving the path for our spiritual journey and opening our hearts to new awareness’s, allowing us to make changes.



We can learn to capture those images within and explore our feelings using our mental pictures as a guide for the future we would like to paint



During our life’s journey we may have neglected just how precious memories are and there may be times when we have truly forgotten that we are a part of someone else’s memory, influencing their own choices , beliefs and values that they live by in the future.



Who we are remembered by are those who are emotionally close and important to us in our life and what they remember is our ability to change what we have learnt and understood from our negative past

Experiences.



When we have understood the power of memories there is nothing within our higher self to stop us from nurturing our gift of creation, for our Holy Father has blessed us with our knowledge of our past, as we live in the present creating healthier memories for our future generation, where history no longer repeats itself.

[skylight2007]

A celebration of life!!!






Whenever our hearts are touched with the passing away of a loved one, we may find it differcult
to come to terms with our grief and loss.

During these times of our inner healing, some of us may experience feelings of deep remorse and regret
and may silently contemplate on things we could have done, or wished we have said. Other times we may sense
a feeling of anger where we feel our loved ones have left us all alone to continue our life without them.

In whatever way we experience our sense of loss, there is a part of us where we feel, we have so much we need
to say and share with them and we may feel our chance has been taken away.

During these times of emptiness, Our aching hearts may be yearning and wanting, as we realise just how much
more we truly loved them and needed them, and our only wish and longing is to have one precious moment,
where we can embrace them, feel the love of their warmth for just one last time and to tell them just how
important they have enriched and enlightened our lives.

As time passes by, we may doubt our hearts will never heal, but to honour our hearts and our loved ones
is to celebrate the meaning of their life with ours, for both of our life’s has a divine purpose.

We can continue to bless their divine presence in the depths of our being, thanking them for all the
wisdom they have taught us in their precious life, and we can raise our hearts with a glowing smile in
rejoicing that their spiritual soul is growing in love and understanding, transferring their healing love to us, whom
they have never forgotten, and as they continue to evolve, they become our divine heavenly guardians, blessing
the same growth for us, by encouraging us to always remember.......................................... .......................

That just as our Holy Divine Father exists, and his life is truly eternal, so too are our loved ones, and..............
just as we believe that our Lord is here, continuously loving us and guiding us, so too are our loved ones present!!!