Tangaroa
19-04-16, 15:21
Hi - I am not sure if this is in the correct thread but here goes anyway,
I have been suffering with anxiety of varying degrees over the past three years and it has gradually got worse over that time. I tend to obsess and overestimate the likelihood of future (bad) events occurring and cant stop worrying about it.
To make matters worse - I have just made the worst mistake of my life and feel at the lowest point I have ever been - my anxiety is in overdrive 24/7 and I am not sure I can see a way out. I am sure that there are many people that will say that I deserve to feel the way I am for what I have done - maybe they are right - but I am struggling to cope and think rationally while doing the right thing.
So here is my story: I have a girlfriend of 8 years that I love very much. We are perfect for each other and fit perfectly within our kookie little ways. I cant imagine myself with anyone else and I wouldn't want to either. When my anxiety is at its worst she is the light at the end of the tunnel the person who can make the world seem like a good place again.
The problem - In February I went on holiday with some friends to Las Vegas. I had been having issues with anxiety and insomnia so I was looking forward to it and thought it would be a good opportunity to relax. Unfortunately I am the sort of person that when I start drinking I do not know when to stop - one night I got so drunk that I was stumbling over - my friend said he had never seen me like that. A girl approached us in the bar and began chatting, she seemed freindly enough so we chatted back to her and played a bit of pool. After a while my friend left me in the casino bar to go to bed (I said I would be up shortly after finishing my drink). Once he was gone the girl made it known she was a prostitute (there are many of them inthe casino bars in LV) and I drunkly accepted her services. I was so drunk that I had to stop after a few minutes and leave. The next morning as I sobered up and realised what I had done I felt terrible - the worst human being in the world.
Initially my anxiety was in overdrive in case I had caught an STD/HIV etc, after waiting for the incubation period to pass I was tested and it was negative. My relief was short lived. I had decided that the best course of action was not to tell my girlfriend. I didnt want to hurt her and I thought that I would just alleviate my own guilt (probably temporarily) by telling her. This may have also been a selfish act, I really cant decide. But I decided to live with the guilt if I could.
Next - my anxiety begins to create irrational, very unlikely future scenarios. My friends said they are planning to go to Las Vegas again February next year and stay at the same hotel. This is the same hotel I met the prostitute in. I have become paranoid that my friend will be in the hotel bar again next year and so will she, she would approach him as a potential client and he would remember her from last year (he would recognise her in this situation). Once chatting she would remember him and that night and let slip what happened. I know this is really, really unlikely, but my brain just wont let go that 'it could happen'.
The consequences - my anxiety is in overdrive I am hardly sleeping (maybe 3 hours of poor quality sleep per night). No matter how much I try to convince myself that nothing will happen I am unable to get away from the 'what if' or 'it could happen' scenario. I cant live like this for another 10 months to find out that actually nothing happens as is usually the case with my worries. I cant see a way out - if I tell my girlfriend and hope she forgives me we could try to rebuild. But would the 'what if' scenario still play on my mind while I break her heart for nothing? I couldnt bare the thought of other people knowing and spreading rumours - it is not fair on her. Maybe she has a right to know anyway? I am not sure I can cope anymore.
If you have read all of this and made it to the end I realise that not many people will have sympathy for my situation. It is self inflicted by a momentary, reckless and selfish act. I hate myself for what I have done, believe me. Most of the issues people have (including myself) with anxiety is not because of something they have done. Yet I have caused this mess and I have given my anxiety something to feed on - and it is consuming every minute of every day. I am not sure why I have written this, I expect plenty of negative comments (and deserve them - I doubt you can say anything I don't already know) - maybe just to get it off my chest? a confession? a cry for help? I dont know.
The only thing I know for sure is that I am an idiot. Three months ago when my anxiety hit I could always overcome it knowing I had a good life with an amazing, loving girlfriend. Now I have no back up, no go to place to make me feel better. My girlfreind knows something is up and is constantly trying to help and reassure me - this now only makes me feel worse for the betrayal. I have let her down and I am not sure I can live with it. I am physically and mentally falling apart..............sorry for the length of this post and thanks for reading
I have been suffering with anxiety of varying degrees over the past three years and it has gradually got worse over that time. I tend to obsess and overestimate the likelihood of future (bad) events occurring and cant stop worrying about it.
To make matters worse - I have just made the worst mistake of my life and feel at the lowest point I have ever been - my anxiety is in overdrive 24/7 and I am not sure I can see a way out. I am sure that there are many people that will say that I deserve to feel the way I am for what I have done - maybe they are right - but I am struggling to cope and think rationally while doing the right thing.
So here is my story: I have a girlfriend of 8 years that I love very much. We are perfect for each other and fit perfectly within our kookie little ways. I cant imagine myself with anyone else and I wouldn't want to either. When my anxiety is at its worst she is the light at the end of the tunnel the person who can make the world seem like a good place again.
The problem - In February I went on holiday with some friends to Las Vegas. I had been having issues with anxiety and insomnia so I was looking forward to it and thought it would be a good opportunity to relax. Unfortunately I am the sort of person that when I start drinking I do not know when to stop - one night I got so drunk that I was stumbling over - my friend said he had never seen me like that. A girl approached us in the bar and began chatting, she seemed freindly enough so we chatted back to her and played a bit of pool. After a while my friend left me in the casino bar to go to bed (I said I would be up shortly after finishing my drink). Once he was gone the girl made it known she was a prostitute (there are many of them inthe casino bars in LV) and I drunkly accepted her services. I was so drunk that I had to stop after a few minutes and leave. The next morning as I sobered up and realised what I had done I felt terrible - the worst human being in the world.
Initially my anxiety was in overdrive in case I had caught an STD/HIV etc, after waiting for the incubation period to pass I was tested and it was negative. My relief was short lived. I had decided that the best course of action was not to tell my girlfriend. I didnt want to hurt her and I thought that I would just alleviate my own guilt (probably temporarily) by telling her. This may have also been a selfish act, I really cant decide. But I decided to live with the guilt if I could.
Next - my anxiety begins to create irrational, very unlikely future scenarios. My friends said they are planning to go to Las Vegas again February next year and stay at the same hotel. This is the same hotel I met the prostitute in. I have become paranoid that my friend will be in the hotel bar again next year and so will she, she would approach him as a potential client and he would remember her from last year (he would recognise her in this situation). Once chatting she would remember him and that night and let slip what happened. I know this is really, really unlikely, but my brain just wont let go that 'it could happen'.
The consequences - my anxiety is in overdrive I am hardly sleeping (maybe 3 hours of poor quality sleep per night). No matter how much I try to convince myself that nothing will happen I am unable to get away from the 'what if' or 'it could happen' scenario. I cant live like this for another 10 months to find out that actually nothing happens as is usually the case with my worries. I cant see a way out - if I tell my girlfriend and hope she forgives me we could try to rebuild. But would the 'what if' scenario still play on my mind while I break her heart for nothing? I couldnt bare the thought of other people knowing and spreading rumours - it is not fair on her. Maybe she has a right to know anyway? I am not sure I can cope anymore.
If you have read all of this and made it to the end I realise that not many people will have sympathy for my situation. It is self inflicted by a momentary, reckless and selfish act. I hate myself for what I have done, believe me. Most of the issues people have (including myself) with anxiety is not because of something they have done. Yet I have caused this mess and I have given my anxiety something to feed on - and it is consuming every minute of every day. I am not sure why I have written this, I expect plenty of negative comments (and deserve them - I doubt you can say anything I don't already know) - maybe just to get it off my chest? a confession? a cry for help? I dont know.
The only thing I know for sure is that I am an idiot. Three months ago when my anxiety hit I could always overcome it knowing I had a good life with an amazing, loving girlfriend. Now I have no back up, no go to place to make me feel better. My girlfreind knows something is up and is constantly trying to help and reassure me - this now only makes me feel worse for the betrayal. I have let her down and I am not sure I can live with it. I am physically and mentally falling apart..............sorry for the length of this post and thanks for reading