MrsDavies
23-04-16, 21:08
Just as the title says really, there is hope, you won't be like this forever, there is always a way, no matter how bad you feel there is a way out....
Apologies in advance as this will likely be a long post BUT if you feel things will never get better I ask that you please read it, if I can help but one person on this website, my job will be done.
I am a 20 year old female and I was a severe HA sufferer. My journey began back in September 2014. I was having a normal shower on a normal day in a normal house when I noticed a normal mole that I've had under my armpit for as long as I could remember. I'm not sure why I took so much interest in it on this particular day but for some reason I felt compelled to find out what kind of mole it actually was courtesy of Google Search. Once I'd finished my shower, I went downstairs and started tapping away, within seconds my heart was in my mouth, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I was convinced that my mole was characteristic of Melanoma. Advanced Melanoma I might add, incurable, no chance of survival, had spread to my brain via my neck... I'm sure you get the drill. My head would NOT stop this negative thought pattern that had begun. I contacted the doctors and got seen as quickly as possible, shaking, I walked in and showed her.... Normal. Nothing wrong. Normal mole. Nothing to worry about. I walked out of that office with the biggest smile on my face, I was free, I was fine, I was well.... Until 20 minutes later that is. By the time I had walked home, walked into the door and sat down I was back up again and decided to rush to the local pharmacy just to double check and be sure.
Well, that was it, that was my life for the next year or so. In that time, I managed to convince myself that I had -
Cervical Cancer, Bowel Cancer, Colon Cancer, Burst Appendix, Acoustic Neuroma, Dementia, Alziemers, Broken Back, Curvuture Of The Spine, DVT, Blood Clots, Bone Cancer, Neck Cancer, Lymphoma, Breast Cancer, Menigitis, MS, Mouth Cancer, Infection Of The Brain, Eye Tumour, Heart Problems, Lung Cancer, Vaginal Cancer, Anal Cancer, Luekimia and lastly, but most prominent, a Brain Tumour (that was/is my worst health fear). Note that all these illnesses were in there worst form imaginable (incurable, stage 5, no chance, 6 months to live. They were never curable or had good outlooks in my mind).
This list is only my own, I have also feared for the lives of my family and pets. Each of these imagined illnesses came with there own 'symptoms' or so I thought. This is was kept me in the anxiety cycle, symptoms. They are awful, horrible and REAL. They are scary and only add fuel to the fears your currently going through and make it hard to believe it's 'just anxiety', man that is such a hard word to hear 'just anxiety' when your so anxious but hey it's true! But you can't see that when your in such a vicious cycle. I know symptoms are defintley the most worrying part of HA for most people so I will list ALL of the symptoms I can remember having during my time with anxiety over the course of a year -
Dizziness, Ringing/Rumbling/Clicking Ears, Headache (Tension, Migraine), Shooting Pains In The Head/Face, Electric Shock Type Feelings (Different Parts Of The Body), Hot Flushes, Cold Flushes, Acne, Head Rushes, Tingling (Different Parts Of The Body), Numbness (Different Parts Of The Body), Vertigo, Jelly Legs, Nausea, Being Sick (After A Panic Attack), Peeing A Lot, Sweating, Chest Pain/Vibrations/Flutters, Body Aches & Pains, Twitching, Stomach Pain, Fatigue, Crackling/Clicky Neck/Head/Face, Shaking Internally & Externally, Frequent Bowel Passing, Weakness, Derealisation, Depersonalisation, Fear, Worry, Intrusive Thoughts, Constant Mind Chatter, Fidgety, Breathless, Tight Chest, Tense Neck/Shoulders/Head, Back Pain, Leg Pain, Lump In Throat, Crying, Petrified, Nervous, Pounding Heart, Palpitations, White Coat Syndrome, Extreme Phobias, Enhanced OCD, Saddness, Feelings Of Dread, Fear Of Going Crazy, Metallic Taste In Mouth, Breast Pain, Withdrawal, Ear Pain/Increased Wax/Plugged Ears/Full Feeling, Pressure Feeling On Head/Face, Memory Problems, Diarrhoea.....
I experienced all of these intermittently at different times depending on my current fear at that time. I just couldn't get my head around how it could be anxiety. I saw doctors, nurses, pharmacists, out of hour doctors and spoke to mental health nurses, family, friends, people on here and other anxiety type websites, I read books but no matter how many times I heard it, I couldn't believe it, not fully. I'm here to tell you that 99.9% it is ANXIETY. I remember feeling like no one else had it as bad, had as many symptoms, had such bad symptoms, had my particular symptoms.... Classic 'what if' thinking and classic anxiety thinking. But guess what, it's just not the case. There ARE people who are going through what your going through, there IS someone with that symptom and there WILL be an end to your troubles. Always hope! I remember one particular day which was one of my worst whilst in the grip of HA. In the morning I was convinced I had bowel cancer, by afternoon it was oral cancer and by evening dementia. I even went as far as checking my tissue after having a poop for blood!
My recovery is fairly recent, in the last few months to be precise. Now, four things significantly helped me overcome anxiety, some of which you may not agree with and wish not to follow and that's fine, I only mention what's helped me in the hope it could help others or at least give them hope and reassurance. In no particular order -
1 - Family/Friends/Forums - My family helped me immensely, they stood by me no matter how many times I asked for reassurance on the phone for the 10th time about that pea sized lump on my bikini line (it was an ingrown hair :blush: ). They provided me with love and feelings of not being alone which is so important. My husband has been my rock and my daughter my inspiration to get better. This website has also been a huge help, this was my safety net to stop me from googling, I found reassurance, comfort and hope here so thank you all :)
2 - Faith - I am a Christian and prayer is very important to me as is Church, these all helped me immensely and gave me so much hope and comfort. Going to Church on a Sunday made me feel safe and cherished and I truly feel my prayers have been answered.
3 - Mental Health Nurse & CBT - Having someone to talk to every week who I knew wouldn't judge or think I was crazy was a massive help. Simply chatting can take some of the strain away. CBT also helped me make more sense if my thoughts and what was going on in my body in regard to the physical symptoms of anxiety.
4 - Medication - Now, I know a lot of people are reluctant to go on medication and I'll let you in on a secret, I was too! I wanted to look after my own thoughts and didn't want to rely on meds but you know what, these have been one of the biggest helps for me. I wish I did it back when I first started with anxiety and maybe I wouldn't of lost a year to the retched condition. I cannot describe just how much it has helped me. All of the above helped but the medication was what I had been needing, within a day of my meds being prescribed I was 80% calmer, 90% in control of my thoughts and feeling soooo relaxed which I hadn't felt in a LONG time. Since starting my first dose a few months ago and in combination with all of the above, I am now mostly FREE of HA. I am in control of my thoughts the majority of the time, able to concentrate, enjoying life and nature, enjoying doing things, relaxed doing things, full of energy, not worried, able to rationalise, a LOT more sensible in terms of my health (I can now attribute a runny nose to a common cold instead of an exotic type of flu which will slowly kill me or spread infection to my brain) and basically HAPPY which is all I could hope for and more. I am so so happy. Of course, I still have those tendencies to over anylise and have irrational/intrusive thoughts but I can mostly clear them now in the space of a second and get on with what I was doing rather than dwelling for an entire day!
The purpose of this post is really to say, there is hope, I'm not saying my personal recovery will be of any help to you, everyone is different and what worked for me may not work for you BUT something will work for you and you will find a way, keep fighting... I know it's hard to, I know you just want to curl up in a ball and cry but fight. Don't let it win. Search for your recovery, find what works for you, don't expect it to come over night, it may take a day, week, months but it will come! There is a way out for all of us if we just don't give up. I know how hard it is to get out of bed in a morning, I know the minute you wake up your probably have those intrusive thoughts and you already feel your heart pounding but get up, get dressed, put your makeup/aftershave on and make breakfast. That's fighting it, that's saying you may have physical control of me right now but I'm still getting on with my day. Even that is a huge step in the right direction.
Apologies for the long long post but I had to share my hope with you all. I wish you all the very best and if you have any questions please do ask or if you simply want to talk, I'm here.
Your all in my prayers :)
Apologies in advance as this will likely be a long post BUT if you feel things will never get better I ask that you please read it, if I can help but one person on this website, my job will be done.
I am a 20 year old female and I was a severe HA sufferer. My journey began back in September 2014. I was having a normal shower on a normal day in a normal house when I noticed a normal mole that I've had under my armpit for as long as I could remember. I'm not sure why I took so much interest in it on this particular day but for some reason I felt compelled to find out what kind of mole it actually was courtesy of Google Search. Once I'd finished my shower, I went downstairs and started tapping away, within seconds my heart was in my mouth, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I was convinced that my mole was characteristic of Melanoma. Advanced Melanoma I might add, incurable, no chance of survival, had spread to my brain via my neck... I'm sure you get the drill. My head would NOT stop this negative thought pattern that had begun. I contacted the doctors and got seen as quickly as possible, shaking, I walked in and showed her.... Normal. Nothing wrong. Normal mole. Nothing to worry about. I walked out of that office with the biggest smile on my face, I was free, I was fine, I was well.... Until 20 minutes later that is. By the time I had walked home, walked into the door and sat down I was back up again and decided to rush to the local pharmacy just to double check and be sure.
Well, that was it, that was my life for the next year or so. In that time, I managed to convince myself that I had -
Cervical Cancer, Bowel Cancer, Colon Cancer, Burst Appendix, Acoustic Neuroma, Dementia, Alziemers, Broken Back, Curvuture Of The Spine, DVT, Blood Clots, Bone Cancer, Neck Cancer, Lymphoma, Breast Cancer, Menigitis, MS, Mouth Cancer, Infection Of The Brain, Eye Tumour, Heart Problems, Lung Cancer, Vaginal Cancer, Anal Cancer, Luekimia and lastly, but most prominent, a Brain Tumour (that was/is my worst health fear). Note that all these illnesses were in there worst form imaginable (incurable, stage 5, no chance, 6 months to live. They were never curable or had good outlooks in my mind).
This list is only my own, I have also feared for the lives of my family and pets. Each of these imagined illnesses came with there own 'symptoms' or so I thought. This is was kept me in the anxiety cycle, symptoms. They are awful, horrible and REAL. They are scary and only add fuel to the fears your currently going through and make it hard to believe it's 'just anxiety', man that is such a hard word to hear 'just anxiety' when your so anxious but hey it's true! But you can't see that when your in such a vicious cycle. I know symptoms are defintley the most worrying part of HA for most people so I will list ALL of the symptoms I can remember having during my time with anxiety over the course of a year -
Dizziness, Ringing/Rumbling/Clicking Ears, Headache (Tension, Migraine), Shooting Pains In The Head/Face, Electric Shock Type Feelings (Different Parts Of The Body), Hot Flushes, Cold Flushes, Acne, Head Rushes, Tingling (Different Parts Of The Body), Numbness (Different Parts Of The Body), Vertigo, Jelly Legs, Nausea, Being Sick (After A Panic Attack), Peeing A Lot, Sweating, Chest Pain/Vibrations/Flutters, Body Aches & Pains, Twitching, Stomach Pain, Fatigue, Crackling/Clicky Neck/Head/Face, Shaking Internally & Externally, Frequent Bowel Passing, Weakness, Derealisation, Depersonalisation, Fear, Worry, Intrusive Thoughts, Constant Mind Chatter, Fidgety, Breathless, Tight Chest, Tense Neck/Shoulders/Head, Back Pain, Leg Pain, Lump In Throat, Crying, Petrified, Nervous, Pounding Heart, Palpitations, White Coat Syndrome, Extreme Phobias, Enhanced OCD, Saddness, Feelings Of Dread, Fear Of Going Crazy, Metallic Taste In Mouth, Breast Pain, Withdrawal, Ear Pain/Increased Wax/Plugged Ears/Full Feeling, Pressure Feeling On Head/Face, Memory Problems, Diarrhoea.....
I experienced all of these intermittently at different times depending on my current fear at that time. I just couldn't get my head around how it could be anxiety. I saw doctors, nurses, pharmacists, out of hour doctors and spoke to mental health nurses, family, friends, people on here and other anxiety type websites, I read books but no matter how many times I heard it, I couldn't believe it, not fully. I'm here to tell you that 99.9% it is ANXIETY. I remember feeling like no one else had it as bad, had as many symptoms, had such bad symptoms, had my particular symptoms.... Classic 'what if' thinking and classic anxiety thinking. But guess what, it's just not the case. There ARE people who are going through what your going through, there IS someone with that symptom and there WILL be an end to your troubles. Always hope! I remember one particular day which was one of my worst whilst in the grip of HA. In the morning I was convinced I had bowel cancer, by afternoon it was oral cancer and by evening dementia. I even went as far as checking my tissue after having a poop for blood!
My recovery is fairly recent, in the last few months to be precise. Now, four things significantly helped me overcome anxiety, some of which you may not agree with and wish not to follow and that's fine, I only mention what's helped me in the hope it could help others or at least give them hope and reassurance. In no particular order -
1 - Family/Friends/Forums - My family helped me immensely, they stood by me no matter how many times I asked for reassurance on the phone for the 10th time about that pea sized lump on my bikini line (it was an ingrown hair :blush: ). They provided me with love and feelings of not being alone which is so important. My husband has been my rock and my daughter my inspiration to get better. This website has also been a huge help, this was my safety net to stop me from googling, I found reassurance, comfort and hope here so thank you all :)
2 - Faith - I am a Christian and prayer is very important to me as is Church, these all helped me immensely and gave me so much hope and comfort. Going to Church on a Sunday made me feel safe and cherished and I truly feel my prayers have been answered.
3 - Mental Health Nurse & CBT - Having someone to talk to every week who I knew wouldn't judge or think I was crazy was a massive help. Simply chatting can take some of the strain away. CBT also helped me make more sense if my thoughts and what was going on in my body in regard to the physical symptoms of anxiety.
4 - Medication - Now, I know a lot of people are reluctant to go on medication and I'll let you in on a secret, I was too! I wanted to look after my own thoughts and didn't want to rely on meds but you know what, these have been one of the biggest helps for me. I wish I did it back when I first started with anxiety and maybe I wouldn't of lost a year to the retched condition. I cannot describe just how much it has helped me. All of the above helped but the medication was what I had been needing, within a day of my meds being prescribed I was 80% calmer, 90% in control of my thoughts and feeling soooo relaxed which I hadn't felt in a LONG time. Since starting my first dose a few months ago and in combination with all of the above, I am now mostly FREE of HA. I am in control of my thoughts the majority of the time, able to concentrate, enjoying life and nature, enjoying doing things, relaxed doing things, full of energy, not worried, able to rationalise, a LOT more sensible in terms of my health (I can now attribute a runny nose to a common cold instead of an exotic type of flu which will slowly kill me or spread infection to my brain) and basically HAPPY which is all I could hope for and more. I am so so happy. Of course, I still have those tendencies to over anylise and have irrational/intrusive thoughts but I can mostly clear them now in the space of a second and get on with what I was doing rather than dwelling for an entire day!
The purpose of this post is really to say, there is hope, I'm not saying my personal recovery will be of any help to you, everyone is different and what worked for me may not work for you BUT something will work for you and you will find a way, keep fighting... I know it's hard to, I know you just want to curl up in a ball and cry but fight. Don't let it win. Search for your recovery, find what works for you, don't expect it to come over night, it may take a day, week, months but it will come! There is a way out for all of us if we just don't give up. I know how hard it is to get out of bed in a morning, I know the minute you wake up your probably have those intrusive thoughts and you already feel your heart pounding but get up, get dressed, put your makeup/aftershave on and make breakfast. That's fighting it, that's saying you may have physical control of me right now but I'm still getting on with my day. Even that is a huge step in the right direction.
Apologies for the long long post but I had to share my hope with you all. I wish you all the very best and if you have any questions please do ask or if you simply want to talk, I'm here.
Your all in my prayers :)