My Citalopram Journal, yet again.

[LiveAboveIt]

Discontinued Citalopram 20mg 31 Days ago after tapering down to 10mg for three days. Obviously the taper was nearly non-existent, but I was terrified of what I thought were Citalopram side effects. At this point I'm not even sure it was the Citalopram, because the reason I was put on them was because I was near suicidal after quitting Effexor XR 4 Weeks earlier.

I do believe that 20mg Citalopram was too high of a dose for me to start on, as many of the tough side effects had subsided after lowering to 10 for 3 days and then discontinuing, but the withdrawal proved to be far too much for me.

I already had anxiety issues before starting the pill, including that which was caused by the Effexor XR withdrawal. I would say that for the first two weeks or so I was alright, still struggling with old anxiety and what I believe to be Citalopram startup. It was around week 3 of being off of the Citalopram that I noticed things started to go bad. My anxiety felt artificially increased and I was feeling anxious about things that were completely irrational. I was aware of it, but couldn't stop the feelings/thoughts. I began to slowly fall into unstable moods where I would become incredibly hostile/irritable for no reason and I was crying at just about everything. This is not like me at all and I was not like this before the pills or while on them.

I noticed that I began to have constant negative thoughts that are popping into my head. I've had depression and anxiety in the past, but these thoughts are lethal and carry such a heavy weight to them that almost seems impossible to ignore.. The worst part is that they make sense.. Its constant negative thoughts about the state that I am in and that I won't ever be able to stop them and I will be stuck like this forever and this is the new me.

I tried ignoring the thoughts, accepting the thoughts, nothing worked. They have become completely obsessive and the more I try to ignore them and get on with my day, the more they attack me. They are all-encompassing, which I pray was just withdrawal and hopefully being on medication will help them cease or become much less powerful. It makes me feel very alone and that I'll never be able to cope or treat the fact that I'm afraid of my own thoughts. I've never had uncontrollable thoughts and worry before, it's always been choice.

So, today with the support of my fiance, we decided to have me reinstate 10mg of Citalopram. I pray that this goes smoothly and that I am not just a lost cause falling further and further into this abyss. I have some wishful thinking and hopes that the Citalopram will help fix whatever is going wrong in my mind to give me anxiety over my own thoughts or make them feel not so important so I can dismiss them easier.

I'm so tired of being a mess. It was only about 5 months ago that I was a very confident, humorous, and altogether stable 27 year old guy. I don't know what's happened to me and I hope that it can be undone so I can go back to normal. But after three months of this constant anxiety and pill swapping I have lost almost all of my hope and belief in recovery, but I'm hanging in there because I don't really have a choice.

I hope everyone is doing well.

[Shazamataz]

Hi Live,

I hope this goes well for you. Maybe just a 10 mg dose of citalopram will be enough to keep things in check?

I am wondering, though, why you stopped the Effexor?

Fingers crossed for you!

[LiveAboveIt]

Thanks, Shaz.

My GP increased my dose of Effexor too quickly. I was on 37.5mg for around 4 days, then raised to 75mg for around a week, and then was increased to 100mg which caused incredibly ramped up anxiety, so I was told to go back down to 75mg and then I started having crazy bad panic attacks and adrenaline dumps.

I wasnt aware of how you can become stable/unstable on meds and I was then told to just taper off of it. He gave me 20mg Prozac to bridge it with after tapering down to 37.5mg and had me counting granules. I developed severe akathisia about 2 days after starting the Prozac and quit both medications on day 4, because of the state it had put me in.

I struggled for about 4 weeks before being put on Citalopram 20mg.

---------- Post added at 19:21 ---------- Previous post was at 17:33 ----------

So, I took the Citalopram 10mg about 3 hours ago or so. At first it didn't feel like it did anything. But then I'd say about 2 hours afterwards I started to feel really, really tired. Almost drugged. I notice myself staring off into space and being very forgetful. It does seem like maybe a sliver of the anxiety has ceased and I feel more mentally stable for some reason. I still feel drugged, but my anxiety is no longer locked on me fixating on ONE thing, it's back to being scattered and jumping around, just normal anxiety.

I hate how drugged it makes me feel, but hopefully this is the way forward and not just a false mirage. Still having trouble believing that it did anything after only 3 hours, but maybe it really was withdrawals. Meds are so strange an illusive.

I've been considering trying Zoloft for longer than 3 days, does anyone have any experience with it? I hate feeling so drugged on these, but I guess they all cause that, right?

[Shazamataz]

When I tapered off escitalopram/lexapro I noticed that almost exactly 3.5 hours after taking my dose I felt a surge of increased anxiety for a while. Looked it up and that's when it's fully absorbed. In your case, if you ARE experiencing withdrawals then it would make sense that a couple of hours after taking it you would feel different.

I really hope this works for you. I too feel my brain has been screwed up with meds and just hope things settle eventually.

Good luck!

[LiveAboveIt]

Thanks, Shaz.

Day 1, An update: I noticed the tiredness that started about 2 hiurs after reinstating the 10mg Citalopram turned into feeling really drugged. The anxiety intensity seems to be slightly reduced but is still constantly on my mind. Im also have abrupt flashes if high anxiety flashing at me when Im reminded or thinking about the anxiety. My brain feels really unstable. This has to be due to the Citalopram/withdrawals because I have never felt this before or had issues with it.

Insomnia is back along with the jaw clenching. Only got around 4 to 5 hours last night, have been getting 7 to 8 hours before reinstating, so thats a bummer.

I think my worst symptom is the constant anxiety and hyperawareness of every feeling/emotion. Its so intense that I actually notice and feel the transition between being okay and when the anxiety enters my mind and feels all-encompassing. I really hope this passes, I just want to forget.

[LiveAboveIt]

I woke up feeling decent today, but it only took a few moments before the anxiety entered my mind and the thoughts began.

It feels like Im fighting with my own thoughts. I will have a thought about how chaotic my mind feels and how I cant control what I think and then Ill have another thought questioning the previous thought and then I immediately start to panic about not being in control of my mind and how this is the way life is going to be now.

I know that the thoughts are caused by anxiety, but even after the anxiety is handled, am I constantly going to be fighting against my thoughts forever, or will it sort itself out? Im not sure if Ill ever be able to just be okay with the fact that my mind roams through thoughts that I dont want.

I havent really read about anyone else struggling with this, has anyone else had and gotten rid of this?

Im hoping this will somehow go away with the anxiety.

[danithegirl]

I woke up feeling decent today, but it only took a few moments before the anxiety entered my mind and the thoughts began.

It feels like Im fighting with my own thoughts. I will have a thought about how chaotic my mind feels and how I cant control what I think and then Ill have another thought questioning the previous thought and then I immediately start to panic about not being in control of my mind and how this is the way life is going to be now.

I know that the thoughts are caused by anxiety, but even after the anxiety is handled, am I constantly going to be fighting against my thoughts forever, or will it sort itself out? Im not sure if Ill ever be able to just be okay with the fact that my mind roams through thoughts that I dont want.

I havent really read about anyone else struggling with this, has anyone else had and gotten rid of this?

Im hoping this will somehow go away with the anxiety.


A few years ago, I saw a psychologist for my anxiety, and one of the first things he said to me was "that's the thing about anxiety- it's is all in your head." He told me that once we control what we think and shift our thought processes, we can eliminate anxiety, and medication isn't necessary (I disagree and think that counseling AND medication can do absolute wonders, but I didn't say anything).

For what it's worth, I'm going through the same thing, if I'm understanding you correctly. I wake up, say "it's a new day, life is good" and then my thought shifts over to "wait, am I feeling anxious?" and my body follows suit. Then I start thinking about how I've been through this before and got through it, but another thought pops up and tells me that this is the worst it's been, that there's no coming out of it, that even though I felt okay last year, I was never really 100% myself. Then I have to force myself to get up out of bed, even though I'm feeling shaky and have no desire to pull myself together. It's such a struggle, but I truly believe that we'll get through.

[LiveAboveIt]

Thats exactly what I go through, but for whatever reason Im terrified of the thoughts themselves, that I even have negative or worrying thoughts. Ive become hyperaware of the process and each thought that pops into my head terrifies me that its even happening. I always thought that I always controlled my own thoughts and now I cant stop fixating on them, let alone dismiss them. Its the craziest thing and Im worried that I wont be able to forget what Im aware of now. Its almost like all of the random intrusive thoughts has made me afraid of all thinking in general. Its stupid and irrational, but I dont know how to become unafraid at this point. Clonazepam is the only thing that takes the intrusive thoughts away and quiets my mind. Im hoping the Zoloft will do the same when it kicks in, only day 2 right now.

[Mojo61]

Zoloft? I thought it was Celexa?

[LiveAboveIt]

Zoloft? I thought it was Celexa?

Had yet another severe bad reaction after only being on it for two days, left me in a near catatonic state. My whole body was shaking and convulsing and I couldnt sit still. That drug does not agree with me, but atleast I know that it isnt in my head.

[Mojo61]

Oh no! I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you are feeling a little better now.

[danithegirl]

Thats exactly what I go through, but for whatever reason Im terrified of the thoughts themselves, that I even have negative or worrying thoughts. Ive become hyperaware of the process and each thought that pops into my head terrifies me that its even happening. I always thought that I always controlled my own thoughts and now I cant stop fixating on them, let alone dismiss them. Its the craziest thing and Im worried that I wont be able to forget what Im aware of now. Its almost like all of the random intrusive thoughts has made me afraid of all thinking in general. Its stupid and irrational, but I dont know how to become unafraid at this point. Clonazepam is the only thing that takes the intrusive thoughts away and quiets my mind. Im hoping the Zoloft will do the same when it kicks in, only day 2 right now.

I am SO glad this is not just me. I literally told my husband yesterday that I feel as if I've been let in on a secret that nobody else knows, nobody else understands, and while everyone else goes about their life all hunky dory, I'll be here just freaking out in my head, and physically.

[LiveAboveIt]

I am SO glad this is not just me. I literally told my husband yesterday that I feel as if I've been let in on a secret that nobody else knows, nobody else understands, and while everyone else goes about their life all hunky dory, I'll be here just freaking out in my head, and physically.

You are not alone, I feel exactly the same way. How far along on Citalopram are you?

[danithegirl]

You are not alone, I feel exactly the same way. How far along on Citalopram are you?

Monday will be the start of week 4 on 20mg. I have my follow up the week after that. I go back and forth between holding out until then, or sending a message to the doctor asking if I should up the dose or if we need to try something new or what. Just when I think I'm making progress, I end up feeling worse.

[LiveAboveIt]

Well, as an official update.. I had a severe adverse reaction to Citalopram yet again. I won't get into the details, but my doctor switched me over to 25mg Sertraline for anxiety. Only Day 4 so far, but don't really notice too many side effects. Feeling a little tired/lethargic, facial twitching, mild loss of appetite, and feeling a little spaced out.

Hopefully this one works better for me, it already feels cleaner so far.