Will it ever work?

[danithegirl]

Sorry guys, I have to have a "woe is me" post. I was going to journal this morning, and I still may, but I decided to post on here because I could really use some support.

This weekend was great. Saturday my husband and I spent the day together teaching archery, and then hanging out with my mom (being with my parents always puts me at ease). Sunday was a little worse but manageable. Morning was rough- went outside and cried, but then was productive, and by the evening had friends over to work on a new singing group, followed by dinner with my husband and best friend. Unfortunately we were up late and I didn't get to bed until after midnight. By that point I was so tired and dizzy, which has been happening lately and I'm just assuming it's a side effect.

This morning I woke up and it was back- dread. Chest tightness. The need to not move. My husband came in to say goodbye to me, and the tears spilled. I could not get it to stop. Every time I would calm down, it would just start right back up. My husband kept talking to me and saying it would be okay, told me to get out of bed (I did) and tried to get me to eat (I couldn't). He offered to stay home with me, but I called out about two weeks ago and don't want to call out again so close.

Eventually he left for work and I forced myself to get ready and hop in the shower. I left and the drive to work was just... blah. I couldn't pull my thoughts together, so I just kept driving and wishing the anxiety would go away. My thoughts became sad (What would I do if my husband wasn't around? What if something happens to my parents in the near future?) which has also been happening more and more lately.

I'm just so frustrated because today marks two weeks since I started it and instead of getting better, I feel like I'm getting worse. I have my good moments- usually evenings- but I just cannot seem to kick this constant worry and this constant fear. I know it can take 4-6 weeks to kick in, but shouldn't I be feeling something?

Anyway, I'm sorry. I just needed to vent and get this all out.

[R1CH]

Hi Dani

These are all perfectly normal feelings and thoughts, I promise you that. You are only very early days. I always think the first 3 weeks are the toughest. If its any consolation I had a good weekend (with my boys) and a few good days last week too up until Sunday evening when I started to feel very down with slight anxiety. This morning, boom all back again and I've been crying just walking through the town trying to hide it. You may of seen a post of mine saying I was all better but that was premature. However what I can say is that you will get better and so will all of us. What you need to try and do is to believe in that tablet and think that each day is closer to your end goal. You wont always be like this. Once the meds kick in you will feel more able to do things, have counselling if you need it etc etc. This will seem like a distant terrible nightmare.

I am on 6 weeks tomorrow 1 day @ 40mg from 30mg and I am not feeling great but I know previously it took me 9 - 10 weeks and the sides lasted for that whole timeframe. This time I have been relatively lucky at least I stayed out of the psyc ward this time but today I have been very depressed more as the day has gone on :(

I know tomorrow could be a complete contrast to this.

Stay strong Dani

Rich
:bighug1:

[Mojo61]

Oh Rich, I can understand where you are coming from on this one. I don't post anymore that I'm feeling better as I've been caught out by that one too many times to remember. It is almost as if you are tempting fate by writing those things, and then karma, or whatever it is, comes back to bite you on the arse shortly afterwards.

It's such a shame because we all want to sing it from the rooftops when we finally get that breakthrough, but them something comes along and p***** on your parade! Stick with it mate, all will be well.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time Dani, rest assured things will get better for you in time. It's just the waiting that really sucks isn't it?

[R1CH]

Hi Mojo

Tell me about it uggghhh. I'm going to do the opposite and perform some reverse psychology!!! :)

The waiting sucks big time, I am pretty impatient at the best of times and always like to be doing stuff.

May we all feel better soon.

Rich

:bighug1:

[Mojo61]

Yeah lol, write that you are really feeling the worst you've ever felt and God knows why you ever started taking these horrid things in the first place - and then you will be feeling on top of the world come tomorrow :roflmao:

[danithegirl]

Thanks guys. The fact that there are people out there who understands helps a lot. Waiting does, indeed, suck. And it sucks that I have to force myself to be busy to feel normal. Last year I would spend half the day in bed on Saturdays and think nothing of it. Now if I were to do it (which I can't because the meds keep me from sleeping past a certain time), I would feel so guilty and my thoughts would go crazy and just ugh!

The depression sucks too. Like the anxiety was bad enough- now I have to be sad and numb on top of all that??

[danithegirl]

Day 16, and the last two mornings have been tolerable. Not 100%, but the feeling wasn't quite as apparent as it's been over the past few weeks.

I'm a little distraught, however, because when I'm not dealing with the anxiety, I'm dealing with just feeling "blah." Not happy, not sad, not in-between. That's kind of scary, because I don't know if that's the anxiety subsiding and the depression getting worse, or if it's actually a good sign and things are looking up.

[R1CH]

Day 16, and the last two mornings have been tolerable. Not 100%, but the feeling wasn't quite as apparent as it's been over the past few weeks.

I'm a little distraught, however, because when I'm not dealing with the anxiety, I'm dealing with just feeling "blah." Not happy, not sad, not in-between. That's kind of scary, because I don't know if that's the anxiety subsiding and the depression getting worse, or if it's actually a good sign and things are looking up.

Hey, try not to think about things and analyse whats going on. You will often feel depressed and also anxious when you are starting up and possibly right up to the point the meds start to help. My depression has started to lift now (I think!) but it varies day to day sometimes I feel as flat as a pancake and blah and others kind of on a buzz but anxious. Don't worry these are all normal feelings I promise you that and if things are changing it means the meds are doing something. :D

Keep strong

Rich

:bighug1:

[danithegirl]

Hey, try not to think about things and analyse whats going on. You will often feel depressed and also anxious when you are starting up and possibly right up to the point the meds start to help. My depression has started to lift now (I think!) but it varies day to day sometimes I feel as flat as a pancake and blah and others kind of on a buzz but anxious. Don't worry these are all normal feelings I promise you that and if things are changing it means the meds are doing something. :D

Keep strong

Rich

:bighug1:

Rich, you help so much. I try so hard not to over-analyze, but you know how the anxious mind works. I'm so glad yours has started to lift. I would take gradual good days over every single day of feeling crappy. I just had to walk to my car at work because I felt a cry-fest coming on. Managed to get some deep breaths out before I headed back in (plus it's around lunch time, so everyone was outside and I had no desire to have anyone see me in a crying fit).

[Suziewuzie]

Hi Dani,
When I'd been on them about 3 weeks I started to feel like you said - not happy or sad, just completely empty. My anxiety had subsided by week 4, but I felt like what I'd been left with was much worse. I couldn't feel anything, nothing excited me I just felt emotionally numb. It distressed me so much that I decided to just stop the medication because I couldn't bare it.
I stopped it for a week (which was complete HELL - but that's another story for another day) and now I'm so so glad that I restarted it.
You are going through all of the normal stages, the same ones that I went through, and soon you'll be where I am - able to feel lots of happiness, able to relax, able to have a bad day which is just the same as everyone elses bad day rather than a horrible anxious filled write off of a day.
It took me about 10 weeks to feel OK and I honestly never thought I would - I've made numerous posts on this site asking for help, telling people it wasn't working, analysing every thought and feeling I had. Now I'm out of that patch. And you will be too, just hang on in there x

[danithegirl]

Suzie, thank you. It helped tremendously knowing that this may just be a normal thought of this process. I'm going to continue to keep looking up and moving forward, hard as it may be.